help my daughter do her homework

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The Homework Battle: How to Get Children to Do Homework

By debbie pincus, ms lmhc.

Parents often feel it’s their job to get their kids to do well in school. Naturally, you might get anxious about this responsibility as a parent. You might also get nervous about your kids succeeding in life—and homework often becomes the focus of that concern.

But when parents feel it’s their responsibility to get their kids to achieve, they now need something from their children—they need them to do their homework and be a success. I believe this need puts you in a powerless position as a parent because your child doesn’t have to give you what you want.

The battle about homework becomes a battle over control. Your child starts fighting to have more control over the choices in their life, while you feel that your job as a parent is to be in control of things. So you both fight harder, and it turns into a war in your home.

Over the years, I’ve talked to many parents who are in the trenches with their kids, and I’ve seen firsthand that there are many creative ways kids rebel when it comes to schoolwork. Your child might forget to do their homework, do their homework but not hand it in, do it sloppily or carelessly, or not study properly for their test. These are just a few ways that kids try to hold onto the little control they have.

When this starts happening, parents feel more and more out of control, so they punish, nag, threaten, and argue. Some parents stop trying altogether to get their children to do homework. Or, and this is common, parents will over-function for their kids by doing the work for them.

Now the battle is in full swing: reactivity is heightened as anxiety is elevated—and homework gets lost in the shuffle. The hard truth for parents is that you cannot make your children do anything, let alone homework. But what you can do is to set limits, respect their individual choices, and help motivate them to motivate themselves.

You might be thinking to yourself, “You don’t know my child. I can’t motivate him to do anything.” Many parents tell me that their children are not motivated to do their work. I believe that children are motivated—they just may not be motivated the way you’d like them to be. Keep reading for some concrete tips to help you guide them in their work without having to nag, threaten, or fight with them.

Also, keep in mind that if you carry more of the worry, fear, disappointments, and concern than your child does about their work, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture, and how did this happen?” Remember, as long as you carry their concerns, they don’t have to.

Stop the Nightly Fights

The way you can stop fighting with your kids over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your child do their job. Don’t do it for them.

If you feel frustrated, take a break from helping your child with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your child do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

Create Structure Around Homework Time

Set limits around homework time. Here are a few possibilities that I’ve found to be effective with families:

• Homework is done at the same time each night.
• Homework is done in a public area of your house.
• If grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your child can focus and have more time to concentrate on their work.
• Make it the rule that weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed. Homework comes first. As James Lehman says, “The weekend doesn’t begin until homework is done.”

Let Your Child Make Their Own Choices

I recommend that your child be free to make their own choices within the parameters you set around schoolwork. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise, you won’t be helping them with their responsibilities.

If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle. And believe me, you don’t want a power struggle over homework. I’ve seen many kids purposely do poorly just to show their parents who’s in charge. I’ve also seen children who complied to ease their parents’ anxiety, but these same kids never learned to think and make choices for themselves.

Let Your Child Own the Consequences of Their Choices

I’m a big believer in natural consequences when it comes to schoolwork. Within the structure you set up, your child has some choices. They can choose to do their homework or not. And they can choose to do it well and with effort or not. The natural consequences will come from their choices—if they don’t choose to do their work, their grades will drop.

When that happens, you can ask them some honest questions:

“Are you satisfied with how things are going?”

“What do you want to do about your grade situation?”

“How can I be helpful to you?”

Be careful not to be snarky or judgmental. Just ask the question honestly. Show honest concern and try not to show disappointment.

Intervene Without Taking Control

The expectation is that homework is done to the best of your child’s ability. When they stop making an effort, and you see their grades drop, that’s when you invite yourself in. You can say:

“It’s my job to help you do your job better. I’m going to help you set up a plan to help yourself, and I will check in to make sure you’re following it.”

Set up a plan with your child’s input to get them back on their feet. For example, the new rules might be that homework must be done in a public place in your home until they get their grades back up. You and your child might meet with the teacher to discuss disciplinary actions should their grades continue to drop.

In other words, you will help your child get back on track by putting a concrete plan in place. And when you see this change, you can step back out of it. But before that, your child is going to sit in a public space and you’re going to monitor their work.

You’re also checking in more. Depending on your child’s age, you’re making sure that things are checked off before they go out. You’re adding a half-hour of review time for their subjects every day. And then, each day after school, they’re checking with their teacher or going for some extra help.

Remember, this plan is not a punishment—it’s a practical way of helping your child to do their best.

“I Don’t Care about Bad Grades!”

Many parents will say that their kids just don’t care about their grades. My guess is that somewhere inside, they do care. “I don’t care” also becomes part of a power struggle.

In other words, your child is saying, “I’m not going to care because you can’t make me. You don’t own my life.” And they’re right. The truth is, you can’t make them care. Instead, focus on what helps their behavior improve. And focus more on their actions and less on their attitude because it’s the actions that matter the most.

Motivation Comes From Ownership

It’s important to understand that caring and motivation come from ownership. You can help your child be motivated by allowing them to own their life more.

So let them own their disappointment over their grades. Don’t feel it more than they do. Let them choose what they will do or not do about their homework and face the consequences of those choices. Now they will begin to feel ownership, which may lead to caring.

Let them figure out what motivates them, not have them motivated by fear of you. Help guide them, but don’t prevent them from feeling the real-life consequences of bad choices. Think of it this way: it’s better for your child to learn from those consequences at age ten by failing their grade and having to go to summer school than for them to learn at age 25 by losing their job.

When Your Child Has a Learning Disability

I want to note that it’s very important that you check to see that there are no other learning issues around your child’s refusal to do homework. If they’re having difficulty doing the work or are performing below grade-level expectations, they should be tested to rule out any learning disabilities or other concerns.

If there is a learning disability, your child may need more help. For example, some kids need a little more guidance; you may need to sit near your child and help a little more. You can still put structures into place depending on who your child is.

But be careful. Many times, kids with learning disabilities get way too much help and develop what psychologists call learned helplessness . Be sure you’re not over-functioning for your learning disabled child by doing their work for them or filling in answers when they’re capable of thinking through them themselves.

The Difference Between Guidance and Over-Functioning

Your child needs guidance from you, but understand that guidance does not mean doing their spelling homework for them. Rather, it’s helping them review their words. When you cross the line into over-functioning, you take on your child’s work and put their responsibilities on your shoulders. So you want to guide them by helping them edit their book report themselves or helping them take the time to review before a test. Those can be good ways of guiding your child, but anything more than that is taking too much ownership of their work.

If your child asks for help, you can coach them. Suggest that they speak with their teacher on how to be a good student and teach them those communication skills. In other words, show them how to help themselves. So you should not back off altogether—it’s that middle ground that you’re looking for. That’s why I think it’s essential to set up a structure. And within that structure, you expect your child to do what they have to do to be a good student.

Focus on Your Own Goals

When you start over-focusing on your child’s work, pause and think about your own goals and what do you need to get done to achieve those goals. Model your own persistence and perseverance to your child.

Believe In Your Child

I also tell parents to start believing in their children. Don’t keep looking at your child as a fragile creature who can’t do the work. I think we often come to the table with fear and doubt—we think if we don’t help our kids, they’re just not going to do it.

But as much as you say, “I’m just trying to help you,” what your child hears is, “You’re a failure; I don’t believe you can do it on your own.”

Instead, your message should be, “I know you can do it. And I believe in you enough to let you make your own choices and deal with the consequences.”

Related content: What Can I Do When My Child Refuses to Go to School? “My Child Refuses to Do Homework” — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork

For more information on the concept of learned helplessness in psychology and behavior, we recommend the following articles:

Psychology Today: Learned Helplessness

VeryWell Mind: What Is Learned Helplessness and Why Does it Happen?

About Debbie Pincus, MS LMHC

For more than 25 years, Debbie has offered compassionate and effective therapy and coaching, helping individuals, couples and parents to heal themselves and their relationships. Debbie is the creator of the Calm Parent AM & PM™ program and is also the author of numerous books for young people on interpersonal relations.

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Frank My daughter Nina just turned 8 (Feb 11). She does not like to do homework one bit. Her teacher gives her homework every day except Friday. She loves Fridays because she doesn't like homework. She always hides her homework under her bed, refuses to do her homework, and in the More morning she tells her teacher "I lost it last night and can't find it!". She feels homework is a waste of time, yes, we all feel that way, but poor Nina needs to learn that homework is important to help you stay smart. She needs to start doing homework. How can I make her 2nd-grade brain know that homework is actually good? Is there a way to make her love, love, LOVE homework? Let me know.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach We appreciate you writing in to Empowering Parents and sharing your story. Because we are a website aimed at helping people become more effective parents, we are limited in the advice and suggestions we can give to those outside of a direct parenting role. In addition to the tips in More the article above, it may be helpful to look into local resources to help you develop a plan for addressing these particular issues with your cousins, such as their doctor or their teachers. We wish you the best going forward. Take care.

Rebecca Wolfenden, Parent Coach I hear you. Homework can be a challenging, frustrating time in many families even under the best of circumstances, so you are not alone. When kids struggle with a subject, it can be even more difficult to get assignments completed. Although you didn’t indicate that your daughter More has ADHD, you might find some helpful tips in Why School is Hard for Kids with ADHD—and How You Can Help . Author Anna Stewart outlines techniques that can be useful to help make homework more interesting for kids with a variety of learning challenges in this article. You might also consider checking in with your daughter’s teacher, as s/he might have some additional ideas for engaging your daughter in her homework. Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

So, after reading this I get to say…GREAT…You really do not know my child.  We have done 100% of everything listed in this article.  In the end, my son has utterly declared “I DON’T CARE, AND I DON’T NEED SCHOOL”.  We have attempted a “reward” system as well, and that doesn’t work.  He cares about 3 or 4 things.  Nintendo DS, Lego, K’Nex, TV…all of those he has lost over the past year.  Now he reads, ALL the time.  Fine, but that doesn’t get his homework done.  It also doesn’t get anything else he needs to do done.  We’ve done “task boards”, we’ve done “Reward Systems”, we’ve done the “What is on your list to complete”.  EVERYTHING is met with either a full fledged meltdown (think 2 year old…on the floor, kicking and screaming and crying).  His IMMEDIATE response to ANYTHING that may interrupt him is “NO” or worse.  If something doesn’t go his way directly he throws a fit INSTANTLY, even if the response is “Give me a second” it’s NOW OR I’M DESTROYING SOMETHING.  He’s been suspended multiple times for his anger issues, and he’s only 10.  Unfortuantely we have no family history as he was adopted from Russia.  His “formal” diagnosis are ADHD and Anxiety.  I’m thinking there is something much more going on.  BTW: He did have an IQ test and that put him at 145 for Spacial and Geometric items, with a 136 for written and language.  His composite was 139, which puts him in the genius category, but he’s failing across the board…because he refuses to do the work.

Interesting article and comments. Our son (6th grade) was early diagnosed as ADHD and for the first 3 years of elementary school several of his teachers suggested he might require special education. But then the school counseling staff did a workup and determined that his IQ is 161 and from that point forward his classroom antics were largely tolerated as “eccentric”.  He has now moved to middle school (6th grade) and while his classroom participation seems to be satisfactory to all teachers, he has refused to do approximately 65% of his homework so far this school year. We have tried talking with him, reasoning with him, removing screen time, offering cash payments (which he lectures us as being unethical “bribes”), offering trips, offering hobbies and sporting events, and just about anything we can think of. Our other children have all been through the “talented and gifted” programs, but he simply refuses to participate in day-to-day school work. His fall report card was pretty much solid “F” or “O” grades. He may be bored out of his mind, or he may have some other issues. Unfortunately, home schooling is not an option, and neither is one of the $40,000 per year local private schools which may or may not be in a better position to deal with his approach to school.  Do “learning centers” work for kids like this? Paying somebody else to force him to do his homework seems like a coward’s solution but I am nearly at the end of my rope! Thanks..

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport 12yokosuka Many parents struggle with staying calm when their child is acting out and screaming, so you are not alone.  It tends to be effective to set up a structured time for kids to do their homework and study, and they can earn a privilege if they comply and meet More their responsibilities.  What this might look like for your daughter is that if she studies, she can earn her phone that day.  If she refuses, and chooses to argue or scream at you instead, then she doesn’t earn her phone that day and has another chance the next day.  You can read more about this in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/.  If you are also looking for resources to help you stay calm, I encourage you to check out our articles, blogs, and other resources on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/parenting-strategies-techniques/calm-parenting/.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

Scott carcione 

I’m sorry to hear about the challenges you are experiencing with your

son.I also hear the different

approaches you and your ex are taking toward parenting your son.While it would be ideal if you were able to

find common ground, and present a consistent, united response to your son’s

choices, in the end, you can only https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-after-divorce-9-ways-to-parent-on-your-own-terms/.At

this point, it might be useful to meet with the school to discuss how you can

work together to hold your son accountable for his actions, such as receiving a

poor grade if he refuses to do his work.Janet Lehman discusses this more in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/when-your-child-has-problems-at-school-6-tips-for-parents/.Take care.

It can be so challenging when your child is acting out at school, yet does

not act that way at home.One strategy I

recommend is talking with your son at home about his behavior at school.During this conversation, I encourage you to

address his choices, and come up with a specific plan for what he can do differently

to follow the rules.I also recommend

working with his teachers, and discussing how you can assist them in helping

your son to follow the rules.You might

find additional useful tips in our article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/acting-out-in-school-when-your-child-is-the-class-troublemaker/.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your son.Take care.

I hear you.It can be so challenging

when your young child is having outbursts like this.A lot of young children tend to act out and

have tantrums when they are experiencing a big transition, such as starting a

new school or adjusting to having a younger sibling, so you are not alone.Something that can be helpful is to set up

clear structure and expectations around homework, as Janet Lehman points out in

https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-child-refuses-to-do-homework-heres-how-to-stop-the-struggle/.I also encourage you to set aside some time

for you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/ with your daughter as well.Please be sure to write back and let us know

how things are going for you and your family.Take care.

JoJoSuma I am having the exact same problem with my 9 year old son. His grades are quickly falling and I have no idea why or where to begin with helping him turn things around. When he applies himself he receives score of 80% or higher, and when he doesn't it clearly shows and he receives failing scores. He, too, says that he doesn't do or want to do the work because it is boring, or that he "Forgot" or "lost it". He has started to become a disruption to the class and at this rate I am afraid that he will have to repeat 5th grade. I am also a single parent so my frustration is at an all time high. You are not alone and I wish you and your family the best.

Thank you so much for these tips RebeccaW_ParentalSupport because I SERIOUSLY had nowhere to turn and no clue where to begin. I have cried many nights feeling like I was losing control. I will try your tips and see where things go from here.

It’s not uncommon

for kids to avoid doing homework, chores or other similar tasks.  After

all, homework can be boring or difficult, and most people (both kids and adults

alike) tend to prefer activities which are enjoyable or fun.  This does

not mean that you cannot address this with your daughter, though. 

Something which can be helpful for many families is to set up a structured

homework time, and to require that your daughter complete her homework in order

to earn a privilege later on that evening.  You can read about this, and

other tips, in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and

your daughter.  Take care.

Thestruggleisreal I'm just now signing up for these articles, I'm struggling with my 12 year and school work, she just doesn't want to do it, she has no care I'm world to do, she is driving me crazy over not doing, I hate to see her More fail, but I don't know what to do

FamilyMan888 

I can hear how much your

daughter’s education means to you, and the additional difficulties you are

facing as a result of her learning disabilities.  You make a great point

that you cannot force her to do her work, or get additional help, and I also

understand your concern that getting her teachers to “make” her do these things

at school might create more conflict there as well.  As James Lehman

points out in his article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stop-the-blame-game-how-to-teach-your-child-to-stop-making-excuses-and-start-taking-responsibility/, lowering your expectations for your daughter due to her

diagnosis is probably not going to be effective either.  Instead, what you

might try is involving her in the https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/, and asking her what she thinks she needs, and what she will do

differently, to meet classroom expectations.  Please be sure to write back

and let us know how things are going for you and your family.  Take care.

tvllpit Very effective to  kids age of 5, 7, and 11 years old. Thank you for sharing your idea.

Thank you for

your question.  You are correct that we recommend setting up a structured

time for kids to do homework, yet not getting into a power struggle with them

if they refuse to do their work during that time.  It could be useful to

talk with your 11 year old about what makes it difficult to follow through with

doing homework at that time, and perhaps experimenting with doing homework at

another time to see if that works more effectively.  In the end, though,

if your child is simply refusing to do the work, then we recommend giving a

consequence and avoiding a power struggle.  Megan Devine details this

process more in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/end-the-nightly-homework-struggle-5-homework-strategies-that-work-for-kids/. 

Please let us know if you have any additional questions.  Take care.

jovi916 I'm a mother to a 10 year old 5th grader. Since 3rd grade I've been struggling with homework. That first year, I thought it was just lack of consistency since my children go between mine and dad's house. I tried setting some sort of system up with More the teacher to get back on track, but the teacher said it was the child's responsibility to get the hw done. This year has been esp. Difficult. He stopped doing hw, got an F, so I got on him. He stared turning half done work, but same grades so I still got on him. Grades went up, I loosened up, then he stopped with in school work. Now it's back to not turning anything in, even big projects and presentations. He had never really been allowed to watch tv, but now it's a definite no, I took his Legos away, took him out of sports. Nothing is working. He's basically sitting at the table every night, and all weekend long in order to get caught up with missing assignments. I'm worried, and next year he'll be in middle school. I try setting an example by studying in front of him. My daughter just does her homework and gets good grades. Idk what to do.

I can hear your concern. Academic achievement is important

to most parents and when your children seem to be struggling to complete their

work and get good grades, it can be distressing. Ultimately, your childrens’

school work and grades are their responsibility. You shouldn’t have to quit

your own studies in order to help them improve theirs. The above article gives

some great tips for helping motivate your children to complete their homework.

We do have a couple other articles you may also find useful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/10-ways-to-motivate-your-child-to-do-better-in-school/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/sinking-fast-at-school-how-to-help-your-child-stay-afloat/. We appreciate you

writing in and hope you find the information useful. Take care.

RNM I have the exact same issues with my 8 year old. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. He's a smart kid, he just doesn't seem to care to do his homework let alone if he gets a bad grade as a result. He hates reading, but does More very well in spelling and science. Homework is an issue nightly and the teacher pulled me aside today to tell me again how much he talks in class and that now he isn't writing down his assignments and is missing 3 assignments this week. SMH, I don't know what to do anymore other than to coach him (some more) and take away basketball if he doesn't do his homework.

What?  "Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school.."  I do not see the logic or benefit of this advice.  Homework, by definition, is the responsibility of the student and parent (NOT the teacher).  The teacher does not live at the student's home or run the house.  

In my opinion, the lack of parental involvement with academics often causes the low student performance evident across the U.S.  I do not agree with advocating for even LESS parental involvement.

I completely agree with you. Parental, or adult, engagement at home can be a deal-maker/breaker when it comes to student performance. I subscribe to theories that differ from the author's.

First, if an adult is involved with the child and his activities, then the child will commonly react with "hey, somebody cares about me" leading to an increased sense of self-worth. A sense of caring about one's-self leads to caring about grades and other socially acceptable behaviors (Maslow).

Secondly, I am a FIRM believer in the techniques of behavior modification through positive reinforcement (Karen Pryor). It's up to an invested adult to determine what motivates the student and use those motivators to shape and reinforce desirable behavior such as daily homework completion. A classroom teacher has too many students and too little time to apply this theory.

Letting a child sink or swim by himself is a bad idea. Children have only one childhood; there are no do-overs.

And yes, children are work.

Many experience similar feelings of being at fault when

their child fails, so, you’re not alone. Truth of the matter is, allowing your

child to experience natural consequences of their actions by allowing them to

fail gives them the opportunity to look at themselves and change their

behavior.  We have a couple articles I think you may find helpful: When You Should Let Your Child Fail: The Benefits of Natural Consequences & 5 Natural Consequences You Should Let Your Child Face . Good luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

hao hao It is so true, we can't control our children's home. It is their responsibility. But they don't care it. What can we do it?

indusreepradeep

How great it is that you want to help your brother be more

productive with his homework. He’s lucky to have a sibling who cares about him

and wants him to be successful. Because we are a website aimed at helping

parents develop better ways of managing acting out behavior, we are limited in

the advice we can offer you as his sibling. There is a website that may be able

to offer you some suggestions. http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/

is a website aimed at helping teens and young adults figure out ways of dealing

with challenges they may be facing in their lives. They offer several ways of

getting support, such as by e-mail or text, through an online forum and chat,

and also a call in helpline. You can check out what they have to offer at http://www.yourlifeyourvoice.org/. Good luck

to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

Kathleenann indusreepradeep

Thank you so much for your humble support....

It sounds like you have done a lot

of work to try to help your daughter achieve her educational goals, and it’s

normal to feel frustrated when she does not seem to be putting in the same

amount of effort.  It can be useful to keep your focus on whether your

daughter is doing her work, and to keep that separate from whether she “cares”

about doing her work.  Ultimately, it is up to your daughter to do her

work, regardless of how she appears to feel about it.  To that end, we

recommend working with the various local supports you have in place, such as

her therapists and others on her IEP team, to talk about what could be useful

to motivate your daughter to do her school work.  Because individuals with

autism can vary greatly with their abilities, it’s going to be more effective

to work closely with the professionals who are familiar with your daughter’s

strengths and level of functioning in order to develop a plan to address this

issue.  Thank you so much for writing in; we wish you and your daughter

all the best as you continue to address her difficulties with school. 

is there a blog for parents that went to Therapeutic boarding schooling for their adolescent?

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. "My Child Refuses to Do Homework" — How to Stop the Nightly Struggle Over Schoolwork
• 2. What to Do When Your Child or Teen is Suspended or Expelled From School
• 3. Acting Out in School: When Your Child is the Class Troublemaker
• 4. Young Kids in School: Help for the Top 4 Behavior Problems
• 5. When Your Child Has Problems at School: 6 Tips for Parents
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Don’t Help Your Kids With Homework

Focus on prioritization and process, not the assignment itself.

So much of the homework advice parents are given is theory-based, and therefore not entirely helpful in the chaos of day-to-day life. People are told that students should have “ grit .” They should “ learn from failure .” But it’s hard to know how to implement these ideas when what you really need is to support a kid who has a chemistry test and two papers due in the next 48 hours but seems to be focused only on Instagram.

Some parents manage to guide their kids through these moments with relative ease. Others hire tutors. The large majority of us, however, are stuck at home alone, trying to stave off our own breakdowns in the face of our children’s.

While reprimanding your child for not having started her homework earlier may be your natural instinct, in the midst of stress, it will only make her shut down or lash out. In our experience as teachers, tutors, and parents, the students who feel terrible about procrastinating are more likely to have anxiety and negative feelings that will only fuel their continued procrastination. So instead of admonishing your procrastinator, take a deep breath and try to figure out how she’s going to manage the tasks at hand. Help her make a realistic plan to manage her time. Try to model understanding, even when you’re upset.

Having tolerance for challenges will allow her to approach future frustrations from a more positive perspective. Easier said than done, to be sure, but try to work with your child to identify not only how but why her homework habits are suffering. This understanding will be crucial to helping her transform these habits into more effective ones.

Read: The cult of homework

Because most of us are programmed to focus on present rather than future fulfillment, it’s easy to put off something we dread. Kids who procrastinate almost always do so because they have negative associations with or feelings about a particular task. Unfortunately, avoiding assignments usually lowers students’ self-esteem and makes them dislike the topic that much more, resulting in a vicious cycle of procrastination. Therefore, it’s important both to address why students are procrastinating—what’s upsetting them about the work at hand—and to give them practical tools to manage their time and set priorities.

If you’re worried that your child is the only one in her class who takes ages to get started on her homework, fear not. Students in our classes—and our own kids too, just like many of us adults—have found every which way to put off sitting down to tackle the one thing they know they need to get done. There are all kinds of reasons kids avoid doing their homework. Maybe they’re concerned about what a teacher will think, or that their work won’t measure up to a friend’s. Maybe they’re distracted by something that happened in school that day.

Whatever the case may be, the first step here is determining out what’s stressing your child out in the first place.

If your child fears what her teacher will think if she makes mistakes: She should start off by independently reviewing the material that she feels unsure of, and then reach out to her teacher for further help if she needs it. Assure her that asking questions and making an effort are important to her teacher. Take it from us: Teachers see questions as a sign of an engaged, conscientious, and curious student. No matter the teacher’s temperament or reputation, she will respond positively to your child coming to her with sincere questions and hard work.

If your child fears parental judgment due to bad grades: Remember that although high marks may be important to you, focusing on process and effort is key to your child’s success, not to mention that putting too much pressure on her can lead to resentment. Help your child create a process she can rely on for her work. Better effort will help your child engage with the material and yield better results in the long run.

If your child fears her best friend’s judgment: Start by encouraging your child not to discuss grades with her friends. Middle schoolers in particular tend to share their marks with one another, and it usually just makes kids feel lousy. The “What did you get?” question is tough for all students, especially in the middle grades, when they are looking for affirmation from their peers. Your child’s grades are no one else’s business. While her best friend may do well in history, he may have more trouble with math than your child does. Or maybe he seems great at everything now, but he actually struggles in art class, and in the future he’ll be a terrible driver or have an awkward first date. In other words, we all have subjects—or areas of our lives—that come more or less easily than others. Challenges are inevitable. What matters most is how we approach them.

If your child fears she isn’t capable: First acknowledge how painful this feeling must be. Then reassure her that she is capable and give concrete anecdotes so she doesn’t roll her eyes. Share with her a moment when you thought you couldn’t do something, but you learned to conquer the task. And be honest! Your kid will know that you didn’t really wrestle that champion alligator. Emphasize the importance of determination, effort, and persistence in whichever example of your successes you choose to share.

If your child is exhausted: Prioritize only what’s really essential. Try to help your child go to bed earlier. She can always wake up early to complete smaller assignments if need be. Getting major work done while exhausted is a losing battle for everyone. Help her plan ahead. Create a schedule for completing small portions of a larger assignment over the course of several days or weeks to make overwhelming work seem more manageable.

Read: My daughter’s homework is killing me

Once you figure out what’s driving your child’s procrastination, you can strategize with her about logistics. Start by removing temptation when possible. Of course she’d rather see where her friends went this afternoon than stare at a blinking cursor, and if all it takes is a simple click or swipe for your child to access social media, it’s going to take her eons to finish an assignment. It will be almost impossible for her to develop an argument that flows if she’s tempted by her phone. So all possible impediments to success should be removed. Disabling social-media and messaging apps and having a conversation about the purpose of setting technology limits is an important first step. Putting her phone aside will also help her compartmentalize time so that she can get her work done more thoroughly and then have free time afterward. Technological boundaries may lead to major pushback—especially now, when kids rely on technology for most forms of socializing—but this temporary misery is undoubtedly worth it in the long run.

And emphasize that short-term pleasure equals long-term pain. Empathize with children who do not want to do something that’s hard. Then remind them that the immediate instinct to procrastinate and play video games will make life miserable later. While they may resist and grumble, helping establish rules will ultimately prevent suffering tonight, tomorrow, and next week. Kids thrive in the comfort, reliability, and safety of a structured, focused work environment. It’s never easy, but on evenings when you want to tear your hair out because your child won’t sit down to work, reinforce the message that short-term gratification will only get in the way of long-term goals.

Finally, explain the relevance of the assignment. If kids don’t understand why they’re doing the work, they’re more likely to be frustrated. For example, your child might ask, “Why do I need to know algebra? I’ll never use it when I’m older.” You can tell the truth: “You probably won’t need to know about variables in everyday life, but learning algebra will give you a framework for understanding how to break down and solve complex tasks down the road.”

Learning to work independently, without a teacher’s direct counsel, is key to building academic and personal autonomy. So when your child is overwhelmed, help her figure out why, and then model strategies that foster independence, confidence, and well-being.

This piece is adapted from Freireich and Platzer’s new book, Taking the Stress out of Homework . Every Tuesday, they answer education-related questions . Have one? Email them at [email protected].

Help! My daughter is an unmotivated student

by: Annie Fox | Updated: April 9, 2018

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Dear Annie,

My 12-year-old daughter is an unmotivated student. For several years now, she’s demonstrated an extreme laziness, unwillingness, and hatred towards homework. We’ve had her tested for learning disabilities (none). We put her in professional counseling (no issues). She has weekly tutoring (no help). We’ve tried positive reinforcement. We’ve tried restrictions. Nothing works. But if she thinks she is going to get in real trouble or if there is something she really wants to do she suddenly knows how to do her work.

Fed Up Father

Dear Fed Up Father,

The most telling part of your email is this line: “If there is something she really wants to do she suddenly knows how to do her work.”

It shows that your daughter has what it takes when she chooses to do the work. She’s obviously a kid who likes doing things according to her own timetable and set of priorities. When things are dictated to her, she spends all of her energy resisting them.

Talk to her, without any of the emotion or threats of restrictions. Tell her how her progress in school makes you feel. (Hopefully you can separate how you feel about her, your daughter, and how you feel about the choices she makes.) You love her unconditionally. And you’re worried that if she doesn’t learn to “play the game” (that is, go to class, participate in discussions, take notes, do the homework, study for the tests) — she will have very limited choices for her future.

Find out what matters to her . Is it being able to go out with friends, or talking to them on the phone?

Whatever it is, she has to EARN the right to do it. If she does her work, she earns the right to do the things that she loves. If she chooses not to do the work, she loses that right.

One more thing, and this is important. She may need help with organizational skills including time management. These can severely impact a student’s ability to succeed. Contact the school or the district office and talk to a learning resource specialist.

Part of this problem may be a maturity issue and part of it may be a power struggle . I strongly suggest that you get her the help she needs to succeed and try not to make it your battle. Engage your daughter in fun, non-school related discussions and activities. That will strengthen your relationship with her. She needs to hear much more from you than just “Did you finish your homework?”

In friendship,

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1. Encourage reading in any way you can 2. Treat your child as though he's an author 3. Make math part of her everyday life 4. Teach your child how to listen 5. Support your child's teacher and the school rules 6. Tell the teacher everything 7. Make sure your child is ready for school 8. Spend time in your child's classroom 9. Encourage responsibility and independence 10. Ask your child about school every day

1. Encourage reading in any way you can There is no way to overestimate the importance of reading. It not only enhances learning in all of the other subject areas, it exposes children to a wealth of information and experiences they might not otherwise enjoy. It stimulates the imagination, nourishes emotional growth, builds verbal skills, and influences analyzing and thinking. In fact, according to every teacher I spoke to, reading to or with your child every day is the single most important thing you can do.

You shouldn't worry so much about how well your child is reading in any particular grade. Different children acquire reading skills at different ages and in different ways. But you can promote a love of reading by giving your child lots of fun experiences with print at whatever level she's in. Here are some reading milestones you should look for (remember, your child's skill level may vary), and specific tips on how to help.

MILESTONE 1: Your child begins to read short, illustrated books on her own, for enjoyment.

How to help:

MILESTONE 2: Your child begins to read longer books with fewer illustrations and distinct chapters (chapter books).

MILESTONE 3: Your child can read independently, and enjoys reading a variety of books.

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2. Treat your child as though he's an author He doesn't have to be Hemingway or Shakespeare. All he has to do is grow up thinking that he can put thoughts and words onto paper. And the sooner he starts, the better.

MILESTONE: Your child becomes a confident writer, and isn't afraid to use improper spellings on her first drafts. She knows she can go back and correct spelling mistakes during the revise process.

3. Make math part of her everyday life Leave the flashcards, workbooks, and other skill-and-drill stuff to the teacher. At home, the best way to help your child learn to love math is to play with numbers, and to frequently point out the various ways in which math makes our lives easier. By working with tangible objects, and counting, sorting, estimating, measuring, looking for patterns, and solving real-life problems, children learn to think in mathematical terms, without worrying whether or not they're "smart enough" to do math.

Almost anything you do that involves numbers and/or problem solving will build your child's math skills. Try these activities:

4. Teach your child how to listen Teachers who've been around for 15 or more years say they've seen a definite decline in children's attention spans and listening skills since they first started teaching. Many of them attribute it not only to the fast and entertaining pace of television and computer games, but to the fact that many children today don't have a lot of time to just sit around, listening and talking to family members. Between parents' jobs and children's after-school activities, it's hard, sometimes, to get everyone in the same room for a family dinner once a week.

But being able to focus on what other people are saying is an important element in learning. So, whenever possible, try to build your child's listening skills. Here are some strategies that will help:

5. Support your child's teacher and the school rules Even if you don't agree with them. It doesn't do any child any good to hear her parents say that school is "a waste of time," that school rules are "dumb," or that what she's learning is "stupid" or "useless." Your child doesn't have a choice about going to school, so she might as well feel good about where she's spending her time. She'll be more motivated to work hard and succeed if she thinks you think that what she's doing is worthwhile.

So even if a school rule seems silly or unfair to you, or you think your child's teacher is dead wrong about something, don't make a big issue about it in front of your child . Instead, take your concerns straight to the source.

The key steps toward resolution The best way to approach a problem or disagreement involving the school is to:

Sometimes you just have to accept a less-than-perfect teacher or classroom situation. In most cases, it won't do permanent damage to your child, and it may even help him develop some healthy coping skills. Also, sometimes things that upset parents about school don't really bother the students. So you may want to talk to your child first, before forging ahead with a complaint, or requesting a transfer for your child. In some cases, moving a child from one classroom to another mid-year would be worse — from the child's point of view — than having him stick it out with a weak teacher.

On the other hand, you shouldn't feel intimidated by school personnel. If you feel you have a legitimate complaint (or if your child's health, safety, or welfare is at stake), and your gut keeps telling you to fight for your child, you should do that. Just try to remember, at every step of the way, that the less hostility you communicate, the more likely people will be to listen carefully to your concerns, and work toward a mutually acceptable solution. Let the power of persistence — rather than the impact of aggression — carry your case.

If the teacher calls you The steps outlined above should also be followed if the teacher calls you to discuss problems your child is causing at school. Even if you think the teacher is wrong, or your child insists that she's innocent, go into the conference with your mind open and your demeanor calm and friendly. Most teachers aren't "out to get" their students; they genuinely want to make the child's school year a success.

6. Tell the teacher everything That is, everything that's happening at home that might affect how your child behaves in school. That includes positive changes (such as the birth of a baby, a move to a bigger and better house, or even a vacation to Disney World), as well as negative ones (a separation or divorce, a death or illness in the family, a parent who's lost a job).

It's not that teachers are nosy. It's that most children are not terribly skilled at handling excitement or coping with changes or stress. And they all carry their baggage from home into the classroom. Even something little, like a fight with a sibling in the car on the way to school, can affect a child's behavior or performance at school.

If a teacher knows there's a problem or change at home, she's less likely to react inappropriately when behavior goes awry at school. Under normal circumstances, for instance, a dip in grades might prompt a teacher to suggest extra help or tutoring. If she knows that the child just got a new baby brother, however, she might react instead by pulling the child aside and inviting her to talk about how she's feeling now that she's a big sister.

You needn't go into all of the gory details of what's happening at home, either. All the teacher expects to hear is, "I just wanted to let you know that we're moving to a new house next week, and Allan is pretty nervous about the whole thing" or "If Sheila seems a little hyper these days it's because her aunt is taking her to her first Broadway play this weekend."

What else do teachers want to know?

7. Make sure your child is ready for school All through elementary school, it's the parent's job to make sure a child:

8. Spend time in your child's classroom Even if it's only once a year, and you have to take a half-day off from work to do it. All children get a real thrill when they see their parent in their classroom. It sends a powerful message that you care about your child, and about her education.

Seeing the classroom firsthand is also the best way for you to get a perspective on what and how the teacher is teaching, what kinds of challenges the teacher is facing, what the class chemistry is, how your child fits in within the group, and how she interacts with specific peers. Plus, it will give you a better idea of the kinds of questions you should ask to draw your child out when talking about school.

In most schools, you don't need an excuse to visit the classroom. Just ask the teacher if you can come in and observe. If you want an excuse, volunteer. Teachers are always looking for parents to:

If you have lots of time to give, you might consider:

At the very least, you should plan to make time to attend:

9. Encourage responsibility and independence Both of these are essential to independent learning. And both will make it easier for your child to adjust to the demands of school, and get along with his teacher and classmates. So, whenever possible, let your child do things for himself — and for others.

For example, encourage him to:

10. Ask your child about school every day It isn't always easy to get the scoop on school from your own child. If you ask a perfectly normal, sincere question like, "What did you do at school today?", you're likely to get the classic response: "Nothing."

One reason is that so many things happen in the classroom that it's hard for the average child to answer a question like that. She can't remember everything she did, and even if she could, she wouldn't know where to start. It doesn't help to ask, "What did you learn at school today?" or "How was school today?" either. Both will elicit one-word answers ("Nothing" or "Fine"), because they're too broad and too vague for most children to process.

But it's still important to ask about school, because it teaches your child that school is important, and that you really are interested in her life. So how can you get your child to open up? Here's what other parents say really works:

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Dear christine: how do i motivate my teen, bossing them around won't work forever; we need to help teens manage their own lives., dear christine,.

I have two teenagers, a boy who is in high school and a girl who is in college. My daughter has always been self-motivated and a great student. I’ve never needed to nag her to do her homework, and she has always gotten good grades and great teacher comments.

My son is another story. His study skills are lacking. He doesn’t like school, and he doesn’t work very hard. I have to constantly be “on him” about his school work. We’ve had him tested for learning disabilities and ADHD, and he does not have either, although the tests showed that he does have great difficulty paying attention to things that he is not interested in.

He’s now a sophomore. Still, I’m constantly “helping” him with his homework, figuring out what work he has due, what tests he has coming up, or what assignments he might have failed to turn in. I’m afraid he won’t do it otherwise.

Our son says he does not want me to back off and that he wants me to continue helping him. At the same time, he is not exactly welcoming of my help in the moment. He’s often a little surly when I remind him of assignments, and he usually makes excuses for why he doesn’t have to work on something. He lacks self-motivation, and without me pushing him (and keeping him organized), I fear (1) that he might actually get worse grades; (2) that he won’t get a college degree; and (3) that this will limit his job prospects. Ultimately, I’m afraid that he’s going to end up living at home into his early adulthood, stuck on the couch playing video games.

I can’t help wishing that our son was more like our daughter. I want him to be more independent and self-motivated. Above all, I want him to do well enough in high school to go to a decent college. What do you recommend I do? If I’m honest, I’m looking for permission to keep propping our son up.

Thanks, Parental Crutch

Dear Crutch,

In some ways, you are right to be worried: About a quarter of young men in the United States in their 20s are unemployed. That statistic is mind-blowing to the economists who track these things, given that men in their 20s have historically been the most reliably employed of any demographic. While the trend toward unemployment encompasses young men of all education levels , low-skilled men—like those without a college degree or training in a trade—are particularly likely to end up living back at home. A staggering 51 percent now live with their parents or another close relative. And what are they doing instead of working? (Hint: They aren’t going to school.) You’ve already guessed it; many of them are playing video games three or more hours a day.

So, it’s good that you have college and work aspirations for your son. But I’m afraid that your current efforts on his behalf aren’t going to pay off. Unfortunately, trying to control our children is frequently futile and usually counterproductive.

That’s the clear conclusion psychologist Wendy Grolnick has reached over two decades of watching parents talk to their children. Here’s the gist of her research : The children of controlling parents—those who tell their children exactly what to do, and when to do it—don’t do as well as kids whose parents are involved and supportive without being bossy. Children of “directive” parents tend to be less creative and resourceful, less persistent when faced with a challenge, less successful at solving problems. They don’t like school as much, and they don’t achieve as much academically.

And what’s true for children in terms of parental control is about a thousand times more true about teenagers. Once kids reach adolescence, they need to start managing their own lives, and they know this. Most kids with micromanaging parents resist what their parents want for them every chance they get. They do this not because they are lazy or short-sighted, but because they need to regain a sense of control.

This cannot be overstated: Healthy, self-disciplined, motivated teenagers have a strong sense of control over their lives. A mountain of research demonstrates that agency—having the power to affect your own life—is one of the most important factors for both success and happiness. Believing that we can influence our own lives through our own efforts predicts practically all of the positive outcomes that we want for our teens: better health and longevity, lower use of drugs and alcohol, lower stress, higher emotional well-being, greater intrinsic motivation and self-discipline, improved academic performance, and even career success.

You have an important choice, Crutch.

Choice A: Keep riding your son; keep him organized and on track. He’ll likely get a lot more homework turned in, he’ll study for tests he would have avoided or forgotten about, and he’ll apply to the colleges you put in front of him. The big question in my mind, though, is about what will happen when he’s off at college and he doesn’t have you there by his side to keep him on track.

Actually, in my mind, it’s not that big of a question.

The odds are he won’t make it . An astounding 56 percent of students who start at a four-year college drop out before they’ve earned a degree. Nearly a third drop out after just the first year. If your son doesn’t develop the study skills he needs to succeed (without you), he is not likely to develop them once he gets to college.

Which brings us to Choice B: Back off so that your son can build the skills he’ll need to survive without you. This does mean risking letting your son stumble, but at least he’ll be at home with you when he does.

More on Raising Happy Teens

If you like this post, I think you’ll love my new book, The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction . If you’re in the Bay Area, we hope you’ll join us for the launch at the Hillside Club on February 20, 20! Find more information about Christine Carter’s book events here .

Your son, of course, will not want you to back off. Why would he want to put in that kind of effort if you’ll do it for him? Plus, there is no risk for him right now; he can’t really fail if he doesn’t really try.

I’m not saying disengage from his life. It’s important for you to stay involved and supportive, but to do so without being directive or controlling. Set limits so that he knows you aren’t lowering your expectations. For example, if you expect him to maintain a B average, that’s great. What happens if he doesn’t do that? Decide as a family, and then be firm and consistent in enforcing your limits.

In fact, don’t dial back your effort at all, just shift your focus . Right now, you are propping your son up. Instead of putting all your energy into doing things that your son would be better off doing for himself, put your effort into supporting his self-motivation.

As I explained not long ago to another mom who was overhelping her husband , the way to foster self-motivation in others is to support their autonomy, their competence, and their relatedness. These are the three core psychological needs that, when filled, lead to self-motivation. You can choose to refocus your attention on promoting his self-motivation. Here’s how.

1. Give him more freedom. He needs the freedom to fail on his own—and the freedom to succeed without having to give you credit . Your son can’t feel autonomous in his schoolwork if you are still the organizing force.

Instead of directing your son, ask him: “What’s your plan?” As in, “What’s your plan for getting your homework done this weekend?” Asking kids what their plan is makes it clear that they are still in control of their own behavior, and it helps put them in touch with their own motivations and intentions. Often kids simply need to make a plan—and sometimes if they aren’t asked to articulate their plan, they won’t make one. (Especially kids who are used to being nagged; those kids know that their parents will eventually get frustrated and do their planning for them.)

This not-making-a-plan thing is developmental, by the way—it is often more about their executive function than their motivation. Our frontal lobe, which enables us to make plans for the future, often doesn’t develop fully until our mid 20s. This doesn’t mean that teenagers can’t plan, or that we should do it for them; it just means that they need a little more support practicing planning than might be obvious given their other capabilities.

It’s also really important that we parents pay close attention to our tone of voice, especially if what we are saying could potentially limit our kids’ freedom in some way—if we are making a request that could be interpreted as pressure. Research suggests that moms who talk to their teens in a “controlling tone of voice” don’t tend to get a positive response, and they are more likely to start an argument.

It’s not enough to just stay neutral, unfortunately; although a neutral tone of voice is less likely to make teens defensive and argumentative, it was found to be equally in effective in motivating kids.

What did work? The teens who were the most likely to carry out the request being made had parents who used a “supportive” and encouraging tone of voice.

2. Help him feel more competent. If I were a betting woman, I’d bet that your son feels incompetent compared to his superstar sister. This likely leads to resignation. Why should he try if he’ll never be as good as her, anyway?

Help him see where he’s done really well in the past through his own effort (rather than your nagging). Don’t be afraid to ask him: Where do you feel most confident? And then help him see that it is his own effort that has led to that capability.

Christine Carter on The New Adolescence

The launch of a new book about raising happy and successful teens in an age of anxiety and distraction.

You can also support him in building new competencies. It sounds like he needs to build better study skills, for example. Who would be a good study skills coach for him? It’s important for him to develop his ability to learn and push himself outside of his comfort zone.

2. Finally, support his sense of belonging and connectedness with others , particularly at school. Is there a teacher whom he feels connected to who can encourage him? Or a coach who is also willing to talk to him about his life as a student? Or a peer group who would encourage him to pay more attention to school work? Sometimes the best way we can help our kids is to help them find a community where they can thrive. One way to do this is to enlist the interest and attention of another adult.

Crutch, I’m very clear about this: The time to take the training wheels off is now . When he falls, let him pick himself up and try again. This will build autonomy and competence. You can celebrate his successes—this will build relatedness. Let him learn how to ask for the help he needs; when he gets it, it will expand his sense of belonging and connection to others.

Redirecting your energy towards promoting your son’s self -motivation will not likely be in your comfort zone. But once you get the hang of not nagging and not being so directive, your relationship with your son is sure to be far more rewarding—for you both.

Yours, Christine

About the Author

Christine Carter

Christine Carter, Ph.D. is a Senior Fellow at the Greater Good Science Center. She is the author of The New Adolescence: Raising Happy and Successful Teens in an Age of Anxiety and Distraction (BenBella, 2020), The Sweet Spot: How to Accomplish More by Doing Less (Ballantine Books, 2015), and Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents (Random House, 2010). A former director of the GGSC, she served for many years as author of its parenting blog, Raising Happiness . Find out more about Christine here .

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My Teen Won’t Do Homework. How Can I Fix This?

Meet Jake, a 15-year-old ninth grader, who rarely, if ever, does his homework. Jake’s teachers report that he is inconsistent. He enjoys learning about topics that interest him but seems unfocused during class and fails to complete necessary schoolwork, both in class and at home. Although his grades are suffering , Jake makes no effort to improve his circumstances. His frustrated parents find that their only recourse is nagging and con­stant supervision.

Sound familiar? When a teen won’t do homework , we call this behavior work inhibition. Here are some common characteris­tics of work inhibited students:

• Disorganization
• Lack of follow-through
• Inability to work indepen­dently; more likely to do work when a teacher or par­ent hovers close by
• Lack of focus
• Avoidance of work
• Lack of passion about school, despite ability and intelligence
• Negative attitude; self-conscious and easily discouraged

How can a parent help when a teen refuses to do school homework? First, try to uncover the root of the problem and then devise solutions based on that reason.

3 Reasons Why Teens Don’t Complete Homework and What to Do:

1. missing skills.

The most common rea­son for lack of motivation is a gap in skills. Unplanned absences or a heavy extracurricular load can contribute to skill gaps, even in otherwise bright teens. If you suspect a skill gap, act quickly to have your teen assessed. Your school guidance counselor can recommend the right resources.

2. Poor habits

Poor work habits can also contribute to work inhibition. Try to focus on a work system rather than the work itself with your teen. Set small goals to­gether and teach your teen to set small goals for him or herself. Try to take frequent notice of your teen’s effort and progress.

3. Lack of confidence

Often, students who are work inhibited fear being wrong and won’t ask questions when they need help. Teach your teen that everyone makes mistakes. Help them see these mistakes as another opportunity for learning.

What Parents Can Do to Promote Self-Sufficiency

1. offer limited help with homework.

Parents can offer limited help with homework.  Try to avoid micromanaging the process. When you micromanage, the mes­sage you send is that your teen will fail if you aren’t involved. When you show confidence in your teen’s ability to complete the task with­out you, your teen’s motivation and self-esteem will increase.

3. Resist lecturing

Ask your teen for ways you can help, but don’t lec­ture. Lectures about poor work habits and constant reminders about the negative consequences of unfinished homework can cre­ate more dependency.

3. Empower your teenager

Chores are a great way to empower teens . Delegating demonstrates your confidence in their ability. Try assigning tasks related to an area of interest. If your teen en­joys trying new foods, delegate the preparation and cooking of dinner one night each week.

4. Focus on strengths

Focus on strengths rath­er than pointing out your teen’s faults. When your teen succeeds, give genuine, specific praise. When you need to discuss expectations or problems use a matter-of-fact tone instead of an emotional tone.

Once you and your teen agree on the underlying problem, then the two of you can develop a plan to help create a self-sufficient student.

Martina McIsaac is executive director of Huntington Learning Centers.

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Wait, Am I Really Supposed to Help My Teen With Their Schoolwork?

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. In addition to our traditional advice, every Thursday we feature an assortment of teachers from across the country answering your education questions. Have a question for our teachers? Email [email protected] or post it in the  Slate Parenting Facebook group .

My husband and I have a 14-year-old daughter who started high school this month. We’ve always had a hands-off approach to her education. We expect her to do the work, but we allow her to set her own priorities, and we don’t even look over her homework unless she asks us for help. (We always help her if we’re asked, but we also encourage her to ask questions of her teachers, or work with her classmates, because we’ve found that they’re often better resources than mom and dad.) We wanted her to take ownership of her schoolwork and felt that stepping back and letting her take care of it was what worked for her.

I will admit that during middle school there were late nights when my daughter realized that she budgeted her time poorly, and times she had to improvise projects because we weren’t able to get the materials she wanted because of short notice. But these kinds of incidents taught her to budget her time better or to make sure she let us know when she was going to need special materials. In the end, though, she graduated middle school with straight As, with good study habits, and without any fights about homework.

She just started in a rigorous magnet high school and it seems like every other parent at the school is more involved in their child’s schooling than we are. These parents read everything that’s turned in, and double-check all the math problems, and spend a lot more time and effort on their kids’ school work than my husband and I ever have. And the school’s administration seems to encourage this, saying they want parents to be partners in their children’s education by making sure that homework is being done and assignments turned in.

(For what it’s worth, my daughter is not interested in more supervision. She is happy with the  status quo  and says she’s already proven we can trust her, so we don’t need to start monitoring her homework now.)

On the one hand I agree with my daughter, but on the other hand it seems like our family is such an outlier compared to every other family in my daughter’s program. And we are new to this high school thing so I have no idea if we’re setting her up to continue to succeed or if we’re setting her up to fail. So what works these days: How much parental involvement is necessary for student success?

Dear Outlier,

I’m not going to talk to you. You’re perfect and your kid is perfect. Hyper-supervision never led to success. You’ve let her struggle and grapple and figure things out on her own and now she sounds like she’s emotionally equipped for college not high school. Instead, I want to talk to those other parents you mentioned:

Dear Other Parents, Take a step back! Let your kids struggle and grapple and figure things out on their own. Reading everything they write? Checking all their math homework? Who does that help? Remember, this is their education. They are the learner. If you don’t let them take ownership of their own work, then they won’t learn from their failures. Failures are the best teachers. And maybe worse? They won’t take pride in their successes. This is coming from a parent of 5 who loves his kids as much as any parent. I help them with their homework… to a point! I’m also a teacher who has seen too many near-adults who care less about their education than their parents do, because their parents never let them experience the consequences of their own choices, for better or worse. As a teacher, I insist as much as I can that every parent-teacher conference be a parent-teacher-student conference. I speak also from the perspective of a former “gifted” (“magnet”, “enrichment”, whatever) kid who has lots of good grades and cool projects he can look back on, none of which his parents ever helped him with. I also remember a couple of bad choices and missteps that serve as the real guideposts of my youth, the moments I really learned something. I’m so glad I have both. Please, parents, get out of the way and let your children grow. There will be painful moments, but that’s life. They won’t overshadow the wonders that your kid will perform and the pride that they’ll bring you.

Sorry, about that Outlier, I saw a soapbox and stood on it. In all seriousness, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and have a wonderful kid. Keep on keepin’ on.

—Mr. Vona (high school teacher, Florida)

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I have four children in grades K-4. Is it better to have them do homework right after school or give them time to decompress? I think about myself and how I need a break right when I get home from work. But it also seems hard to motivate after allowing them time to decompress. What is your recommendation?

—Now or Later?

Dear Now or Later,

My recommendation is simple: Ask your children what they prefer.

I have two kids. One of them absolutely needs to decompress after school before launching into any homework. The other wants to complete his homework immediately so he doesn’t have anything looming over him for the rest of the day.

One of the primary purposes of homework in elementary school is to teach children to develop the work ethic, routines, and accountability needed for when homework becomes a more important part of the learning process. Part of this process is for kids to figure out how, where, and when they work best and what kind of studying is most effective for them.

Let your children choose for themselves. Give them a chance to experiment, practice, and change their minds. Now is the time for them to learn these important lessons before the homework becomes a far more important part of their learning day.

—Mr. Dicks (fifth grade teacher, Connecticut)

We recently started the process of adopting our daughter, who’s 11. Her IEP states she should have access to full day mild mental disability (MMD) classes or mainstream with supports (she also has an IEP for emotional and behavioral disorder (EBD)). Both of the middle schools in our district in Indiana only offer half-day MMD classes, and she’ll be mainstreamed the remainder of the day with no guaranteed supports. Instead the school has tried pushing us to only send her to school half days.

On a practical note, my spouse and I both work full time so we can’t only have her in school half days. But more than that, her education has been incredibly disrupted from prior placements, and she needs to be in school. The half day would only give her access to math and English, no science, social studies, or elective classes. It also prevents her from being able to attend extracurricular activities because they have to remain in the school building until the event.

She’s in full days right now but they’ve slotted her into classes where she’s going to struggle, including ending the day in a large general ed English class (despite her being in special ed English in the mornings already, and despite most of her struggles around reading and writing).

I’m not sure what to do here or how to best advocate for her needs. I’m also wondering if this is even legal.

Dear At Sea,

How frustrating! I’m sorry you’re going through this. I cannot speak to the legality of your situation–you’ll have to consult a lawyer or a special education advocate to determine whether the district is meeting their obligation to educate your daughter. However, I wonder if the reason they are denying her additional support in the afternoon is because they cannot.

You have probably heard that there is a nationwide teacher shortage, and special education has been especially hard hit. It is equally difficult to hire support staff like paraprofessionals or teaching assistants who provide services to students with special needs. It’s very possible your daughter’s school is not fully staffed.

So how do you proceed? The first thing I would do is meet with her case manager to discover what her options are. Ask them to be honest with you about why the school isn’t providing more supports. If it’s impossible for the school to offer additional services, look into changing her afternoon schedule. For example, you seem confident the English class is not a good fit. Perhaps there is another, more suitable core class or elective she could take during that time.

I know that some parents in your situation have their children attend programs through private service providers for part of the day, many of which provide transportation from the school. Of course, that would come at additional cost to you. I realize that isn’t ideal, but it might be worth exploring if you have the funds.

I know this is a lot to navigate, particularly when you feel like the school isn’t on your side. It may be time to consult a lawyer or advocate who can help you.

Best of luck.

—Ms. Holbrook (high school teacher, Texas)

Our almost 10-year-old daughter reads well ahead of her grade level and reads frequently. These are good things!

Here’s the issue, and it might seem low stakes, but since she wrapped up reading the Harry Potter books last year, unless assigned at school, she has exclusively read graphic novels that she brings home from the school library. Not bad ones either—think Persepolis .

I grew up reading graphic novels and comic books, as part of a mix of reading other things. I truly do not have a bias against this particular narrative form, in fact I think there are certain stories that could never work in any other form, like Maus .

That said, if there’s one complaint I have about the graphic form, it’s that it has a complete lack of descriptive language.

At this particular point in my daughter’s academic development, post-pandemic, with the constant distraction from devices, and after a summer spent barely reading at all, I’m concerned about backsliding in her reading ability. Especially if she’s not reading stories that require her to learn new words and use her imagination to create a picture in her head.

We’ve asked her to get chapter books from the library every now and then. I’ve even bought her some fun and easy things to read—Narnia, Ray Bradbury short stories, etc. But she’s fighting her mother and me tooth and nail about reading anything more challenging. Well beyond a reasonable amount of pushback. I just don’t know what to make of it.

I’ve probed about what her issue is around books without pictures, just to get a read on what might be going on. She’s says they’re “boring.” Which, okay. But she simply has to read more challenging material, and it seems like she’s determined not to do so.

Any advice? Am I making too much of this?

—Reading is Fundamental, Even Comics

Dear Reading is Fundamental, Even Comics,

Yes, you’re probably making too much of this. Your daughter has discovered graphic novels, and at this point in her life, has apparently fallen in love with them. The same has probably happened to many of her friends and classmates (as it did for my own children not that long ago). The most important thing is that she reads well, loves to read, and continues to read.

In fact, consider yourself blessed. There are hordes of parents in the world who would give anything to have their child love reading like your daughter does, regardless of the particulars of the book in their children’s hands.

This is likely a phase in her journey as a reader, not dissimilar to one that many children experience. You probably experienced similar phases as a young reader. She is most assuredly reading different types of books in school, and as she moves forward in her academic career, she will undoubtedly be reading an enormous amount of nonfiction and challenging literature assigned by her teachers.

She has a lifetime of reading ahead of her. Eventually, graphic novels will become a thing of the past or a smaller percentage of the books she’s reading. Let her enjoy these books now so that she continues to enjoy reading and love books, and trust her teachers to stick those more challenging books in her hands for now.

More Advice From Slate

My 5-year-old daughter does dance lessons with a teacher she adores, Miss Emma. Her Christmas concert was this week, and Emma asked each parent to pay $50 for the concert costume. I’ve just picked up the costume, and it has a price tag for $25 still attached. Emma is a very kind teacher, and my daughter very much wants to continue classes with her, but I feel a bit annoyed. I was led to believe she wasn’t making a profit on costumes, and if I’d known she was going to charge us twice the price, I would have gone to the store and purchased it myself.  Should I say something to her?

clock This article was published more than  5 years ago

This is why it’s so hard to help with your kid’s math homework

Two years ago I walked into a car rental return center in Charlotte and interrupted Adrianette Felix mid-rant.

“I can’t even help my own child do her homework, it’s so frustrating, and I feel so stupid,” she said. “What kind of mother can’t understand first-grade math?”

Man needed help with son’s third-grade math homework and got it from a stranger on the subway

Felix and I spent the next half-hour engaged in a spirited discussion about the state of math education in America; how we got here, why it’s changed; and where experts on math education hope it’s taking us.

The simple answer to why math education has changed, “Common Core State Standards,” is only part of the story. Math teacher  Christopher Danielson  outlines the rest of the story in his book, “ Common Core Math for Parents for Dummies ,” and it goes something like this: Math education in America has evolved in response to concerns about our international competitiveness, first with Europe, and later, with Russia and its space program. Consequently, American math education prioritized the education of professional scientists and mathematicians who could get satellites in orbit and send men to the moon.

While we were busy chasing those lofty goals, we failed to educate most students in the basic foundations of math. To rectify this, the education pendulum swung back in the other direction, toward rote memorization. Cue the era of multiplication-table work sheets and timed math facts, tasks that still make up the bulk of elementary school math homework assignments.

The summer conundrum: Fight brain drain or give the kids a break?

Between 1989 and 2009, in large part because of the advent of  No Child Left Behind , state standards and the testing necessary to measure states’ progress, math education became what Danielson refers to as a “mile-wide, inch-deep curriculum.” We teach many topics in each grade but at a superficial level. Math education became a series of skills served up in bits and pieces but never as part of a unified, mathematical whole.

Notably, we failed to give American children math sense, a natural and instinctive dexterity with numbers.

I was one of those children, despite having been educated in the top-ranked public school district in Massachusetts ( Dover-Sherborn Regional High School ). My mathematical education was characterized by drills memorization and instructions to accept abstract axioms and mathematical order of operations as “simply how it’s done,” concepts, my teachers promised, I would understand later. I dutifully followed their directions, memorized the steps and regurgitated on demand, but the understanding I had been promised never materialized. What I got instead was a raging case of math anxiety and the belief that I am not a math person.

It wasn’t until my mid-40s, when I retook Algebra with my middle school students and a gifted educator, that I discovered the truth: I had not failed at math; my math education had failed me.

With rare exception, most American children still receive a similarly counterproductive math education, one that produces adults who can recite multiplication tables but can’t make change when the cash register isn’t working, let alone view math as poetry.

“The highest achieving kids in the world are the ones who see math as a big web of interconnected ideas, and the lowest achieving students in the world are the kids who take a memorization approach to math. The United States, you won’t be surprised to hear, has more memorizers than any country in the world,” said  Jo Boaler , professor of mathematics education at Stanford University, in a phone interview.

This chopping up of mathematical concepts, asserts Boaler, is where American math education fails children, and why Felix gets frustrated by her daughter’s math homework. Felix learned how to memorize, while her daughter is learning something much more valuable and useful: number sense, relevance and mental flexibility.

When the average teacher has about 200 separate math concepts or skills to teach in a given year, the connections between each piece disappear. “The kids don’t get to see them, and most teachers don’t know about them, either,” Boaler says. “When teachers are armed with the research about brain growth and [the reality that] everybody can learn math, it changes what they do. Teachers that are empowered with this research are doing amazing things. Really amazing things.”

Math coach  Tracy Zager  agrees. “It’s a phenomenal time to be a math teacher. We are in a time of great revolution and excitement, moving away from rote memorization and toward an understanding of process. It doesn’t mean that answers don’t matter, and it doesn’t mean that skills and memorization don’t matter, but when a student does something wrong, we want them to understand  why, ” she said in a phone interview.

In her book, “ Becoming the Math Teacher You Wish You’d Had ,” Zager writes, “Math is not about following directions, it’s about making  new  directions.” So I emailed her to ask about the direction she would take math education.

“We have to undertake the real work: high-quality, sustained, classroom-based professional development,” she said. “Doing it systematically would take money and time and belief in teachers as professionals.”

While teachers, administrators and education policymakers do battle over Zager’s question, Felix and her daughter need help today, with tonight’s homework assignment.

For that kind of practical advice, I returned to Danielson and his book, “Common Core for Math for Parents for Dummies.” Danielson suggests that parents stop giving kids easy answers and instead focus on asking these five essential questions:

• “Why?” and “How do you know?”
• “Is it good enough?”
• “Does this make sense?”
• “What’s going on here?”

The questions, “Why?” and “How do you know?” require children to construct arguments, to justify their answers and to think about the reasons their answer may be correct. It’s not enough to know that 8 + 4 = 12, as Danielson writes, students must be able to articulate how they might figure out the sum of 8 and 4 if they do not automatically know the answer.

“What if” is a fantastic question to ask in any context, but in math, it’s particularly important. “What if” is at the root of play, experimentation, innovation and exploration. “What if” allows us to push students to contemplate questions beyond their immediate understanding and can fuel curiosity, deeper learning and intellectual breakthroughs.

The question “Is it good enough” gets at the concepts of estimation and precision. Is it good enough to say that .99 repeating is close enough to 1 to say that they are equal? Asking this question requires that students pay attention to units and attend to precision both numerically and linguistically.

“Does this make sense?” is a great question to ask at every step of the process, from choosing a path forward (“Does it make sense to add here?”) to the final answer (“Does that answer make sense?”) and gives kids the opportunity to pause, take stock and exercise judgment. Sometimes, of course, the answer to this question is going to be, “No,” and wrong answers can be just as useful as the right ones, Danielson argues, because, “A classroom climate that only values right answers is less likely to encourage students to persevere.”

Finally, the question, “What’s going on here?” helps kids look for the underlying structure of a problem. For example, “If you know that n is a whole number, then 2 n is an even number and 2 n + 1 is an odd number. What’s more, the expression 2 n + 1 represents all odd numbers. This is the power of looking for and making use of structure — representing infinitely many things in a single short expression.”

I had given Felix a copy of Danielson’s book after we first met, so I called her to find out how she and her daughter are faring in math.

“Oh, honey, we are doing fantastic. That book was fantastic,” she said. “My daughter is doing great in math, and I can help her when she needs it. Plus, I get to feel smarter than a third-grader.”

This is where successful math education starts; with adults who know what questions to ask and who have the skills to help children discover their own solutions.

Jessica Lahey is a teacher and the author of “ The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed ” and a forthcoming book on preventing addiction in children.

Follow  On Parenting on Facebook  for more essays, news and updates, and join our  discussion group here  to talk about parenting and balancing a career. You can  sign up here  for our weekly newsletter.

More reading: 

School’s still in. Here’s how to help them get through to the end. 

9 ways parents can empower a child who has learning issues

10 ways to take the struggle out of homework

Barnard’s president on how to develop STEM-confident girls

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Learning My Kid Has Slow Processing Speed Helped Our Family

One mom's experience taught her how important it is to understand your child's processing speed to minimize stress at home and school.

I'm someone who sets out to complete everything I do as fast as possible like I'm running an imaginary race. So it feels like a cruel twist of fate that my 10-year-old daughter languishes over the simplest tasks. Heading out the door each morning is a battle of wills I often lose. We end up late to where we're going, and I'm left stressed and angry.

While this type of family conflict can cause distress, it has helped me to realize that our struggles are actually due to mismatches in processing speed —or the speed in which someone comprehends and processes new and incoming information.

If you hurry while your child moves slower, you might feel frustrated. If you both dawdle, you'll end up late to appointments and practices. Or if one child is fast and another slow, the fast kid can resent waiting around for the other.

Knowing the rate at which you and your family members process information, experience time, and make decisions can be the key to minimizing stressors within and outside the home.

Understanding Your Family Dynamic

"Processing speed involves the amount of time it takes to perceive information, process it, and respond," writes Ellen Braaten, Ph.D., director of the Learning and Emotional Assessment Program (LEAP) at Massachusetts General Hospital and assistant professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, in her book, Bright Kids Who Can't Keep Up .

Families can have members with different processing speeds, but the most common mismatch is a parent with a fast processing speed and a child with a slow processing speed. For instance, I witnessed one mom reach out in a Facebook group for children with slow processing speed expressing her frustration that her child takes a long time to complete homework.

The mom is doing better now that her child's therapist described how exhausting her daughter's life is as she works harder than others to pay attention and act. The therapist asked her to have extra patience because what's easy for her is hard for her daughter.

The other common combination is a parent and a child who both have slow processing speeds. Dr. Braaten notes that while it sounds like a good match, the two can end up frustrated with each other because they're always tardy. Kids who move slower need structure, routine, and extra support. Without it, they can flounder and act out against their parents or teachers.

Dealing With Potential Learning Issues

While processing speed mismatches start at home, they're often exacerbated at school.

"Teachers aren't taught to look for processing speed differences and may make false assumptions like the child isn't smart," says Scott Ardoin, Ph.D. , professor and department head of the department of educational psychology at the University of Georgia. This is actually ableism fueled by misinformation, since slow processing speed has nothing to do with intelligence. Many people have incredibly high IQs but slower processing speeds.

While you can have slow processing speed without having a learning disability like dyslexia, attention issue like attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), or mental health condition like anxiety, they often go hand-in-hand. Experts estimate about 60% of people with slow processing speed also have ADHD and upwards of 30% will have dyslexia. To truly know the diagnosis, and learn how to set your child up for success, you can schedule a neuropsychological evaluation.

It's difficult to confirm a statistic for kids with anxiety because it's hard to separate whether their slow speed creates anxiety or anxiety causes them to respond slower. "Regardless, it's critical to remove all time pressure and stay calm when their speed is frustrating," says Dr. Braaten.

How Parents Can Help

My daughter's processing speed falls below average. Before I knew this, I thought she ignored my constant pleas to move faster or complete a series of steps. I punished her with time-outs and no electronics, but nothing improved.

Once I learned she couldn't help her pace, I stopped blaming her for taking longer than everyone else. I wake her up 30 minutes earlier than her brother to get ready for school. Now, when we're going out to eat, I go over the menu on the way there, so she has time to think about what she'll order. I set timers to let her know when to switch tasks.

Here are other things parents can do to help their kids deal with slow processing speed.

Let kids know what to expect

Kids learn to move faster when they know what to expect. Dr. Braaten suggests using a home-based calendar showing the schedule for the day. Go over it in the morning and give them plenty of time to transition from one task to the next.

There are also apps specifically designed for kids with slow processing speed to help them increase their skills or plan out their day. We use a whiteboard with a daily to-do list that my daughter loves to check off as she gets things done. If your child is too young to read, you can use pictures to show what you want them to accomplish.

Be specific

Try changing your language from broad instructions like "go clean your room" to more specific verbiage. For example, I start with, "Let's go to your room so that you can make your bed." Next, I'll have her pick up her toys. Last, she'll put her dirty clothes away. It sounds tedious, but with practice, I don't have to go step-by-step anymore.

Speak with their teachers

You can also enlist your child's school for help. Dr. Ardoin advises meeting with your child's teacher at the beginning of each school year to let them know how your child learns best. Maintain communication with the teacher and school throughout the year to discuss the child's needs and strengths.

Also, if a child has a documented slower processing speed, the parent should advocate for an individualized education plan (IEP) or 504 plan for them. These special education services can help your children thrive in the classroom.

Seek outside help if needed

Consider getting help if you find yourself or your child struggling. For example, you can outsource if you're unable to structure your family's schedule because of a slower processing speed. Dr. Braaten also describes a family who found an executive functioning tutor for their daughter to help her stay organized and complete tasks on time.

Play off each family member's strengths

My husband's processing speed is slower than mine, so he's far more patient at helping our children with homework. My son's speed is quick, so we reward him for keeping his sister on task with things like brushing teeth and getting ready for bed.

If you also have a child who moves much faster than others in the family, you'll need to find ways to recognize and harness their speed. Put them in charge of learning how to use new technology and explaining it to others. In Dr. Braatan's book, one family had their fast-paced son help his father organize family photos on the home computer. He loved working with his dad on these types of projects, and it allowed time for his mom to do homework with his sister.

Focus on the positives

Kids with fast processing speed can keep up with the world's ever-demanding pace and often seek out competitive environments. While they're rewarded for their quick wit, the beauty of individuals with slower processing speed is they tend to live in the moment. They'll gravitate to activities that value slower thinking.

My daughter is teaching me life isn't a race I need to win. With a new set of practices, I'm learning to slow down, and she's moving a little faster.

Related Articles

Homework doesn't align with our family values. Here's how I explain that to teachers and my kids.

• I think there are more meaningful ways to spend the after school hours.
• I typically tell teachers that our family won't be completing homework.
• Sometimes, my fourth grader still wants to do the assignments.

Despite my best efforts to avoid over-scheduling my family, our weekday calendars are full. My daughters, in kindergarten and fourth grade, do horse riding , swim lessons , and soccer. I have powerlifting two evenings a week. As we run out the door to those activities, our dog looks at us longingly with his leash in his mouth, so we try to squeeze in walks with him.

All of that leaves very little time for homework . This is why I've decided that in our family, homework is strictly optional and sometimes downright discouraged.

The hours between after school and bedtime are so limited. My girls get home at about 3:45 p.m. and are off to bed by 6:30 p.m. Factor in dinner time, I have only two hours to offer them the after-school enrichment that most aligns with our family values.

Homework simply doesn't make the cut.

My daughter is supposed to do about 40 minutes of homework each night

It's important to acknowledge that my district doesn't give much homework in elementary school. My fourth grader is expected to do 20 minutes of reading and 10 minutes each for math facts and penmanship. Gone are the endless worksheets that I remember from school.

And yet, 40 minutes is a huge chunk of our afternoons together. Reading, math, and penmanship are important, but practicing them happens organically throughout our day — when we talk about money skills together or pen a letter to their grandparents.

Rather than sitting down at a desk for 40 minutes, I'd prefer my girls gain confidence and safety skills in the water, contribute to their community by doing barn chores, or just be silly outside in the fresh air.

I sent teachers an email saying we wouldn't be doing homework

I spoke to my daughter's teachers about homework in second grade when I first felt the pressure to choose between homework, after-school activities, and getting the kids to get on time.

I kept it straightforward and sent the teacher an email: "Our schedules make homework challenging, so my daughter will not be completing the weekly assignments. We'll continue to practice math and reading at home. Please let me know if you have any concerns about this now or in the future."

Neither that teacher nor the one after had any worries. I got the impression that their beliefs aligned with mine: there were many ways to learn in the afternoons, and not all of them were academic. As long as the lack of homework wasn't impacting my daughter in the classroom, skipping it was ok.

This year, we're doing more homework than ever before

This year, my approach to homework has been challenged, and I've been reminded that nothing is black and white. My kindergartener is in speech therapy and regularly has "homework" assignments from her therapist. Those go to the top of our priority list — not only does she love doing the exercises, but there's a clear benefit that we can hear with our own ears.

More surprisingly, my fourth grader has decided she's devoted to homework. Just like I was, she's a bit of a teacher's pet and gets genuine satisfaction from the check mark she receives on each assignment. I have no problem with her doing her homework for fun, as long as it's not coming at the expense of more important things, like sleep, outdoor time, and hobbies.

Recently she explained she was going to wake up extra early to complete her reading assignment for the day. I just raised an eyebrow and said, "You know you really don't have to do that, right?"

I'm not sure how we'll handle homework as she moves into middle, then high school. For now, we're taking a laid-back approach.

Questions + Answers

When children struggle in school, we often feel unsure of what to do or where to turn. One in seven children requires special assistance in the learning process. Here’s where to look for answers and advice.

On the following pages you’ll find information based on  real  questions on topics such as ADHD, IEPs, testing, and more. The answers are from our team of reading and learning disabilities experts who provide helpful information to help you support children in reaching their full learning potential. Many of the links they point to are to specific articles on LD OnLine and on our sister web sites, Reading Rockets,   Colorín Colorado , and  AdLit.org .

What is LD?

Are memory difficulties considered learning disabilities, can learning disabilities get worse as a person ages, does ld mean you have a lower iq, how can i learn my basic academic skills when the high school will not help me, how common are language-based learning disabilities, i’m seeking information about how the brain in ld studentsworks…, is a learning disability a form of “mental illness”, is ld passed on to offspring, should the school system test a child to see if he should be put on prescription medication, what are some symptoms of language-based learning disabilities, what can you do about programs that say they help ld, but lack evidence that they succeed, what is the difference between a person with ld and a slow learner, what is the difference between dyslexia and a specific learning disability in reading, why is my daughter’s school hesitant to label her learning disability with the term “dyslexia”, why would a nine-year-old boy get overly distracted by sounds, accommodations & modifications, are colleges required to comply with 504 plans, are summer school teachers required to follow a student’s iep, are there any scanning devices available that can help my dyslexic child improve his reading and math skills, are there other examples you can think of about how at is being used effectively to serve students with learning disabilities, are there some common misconceptions about assistive technology that you often encounter, are there tools that can help make the physical act of writing easier, can a child “grow out of” dyslexia, can a child get accommodations when they are performing at their grade level, but are intelligent and determined enough to do much better, can a child qualify for modifications under section 504 if he is passing his classes, can a child with an iep receive accommodations on standardized tests and…, can a parent do anything if the child clearly has too much homework after school, can a private school refuse to accommodate a child with a disability, can a school ask parents for a “co-pay” to help cover services listed on the iep, can a school change the services agreed upon in the iep meeting without consulting the parents, can a school deny a student assistive technology because he/she is not failing, can a school deny an iep because of academic success, can a school district completely eliminate a service that is used by learning disabled children, can a school legally change any part of an iep without parental consent, can a student get twice the amount of time to complete their exams instead of time and a half, can a student opt out of an accommodation that is listed on the iep, can a student who was homeschooled and is now in college get an initial evaluation at the public school district’s expense, can a student with a 504 plan be penalized for not passing state standardized tests, can i get accommodations for the general educational development tests, can my child receive help for his learning disability if he stays in a private school, can my son receive modifications and use assistive technology during the…, can the public school system refuse to evaluate a child for dyslexia because the child goes to private school, can the responsibility for a child’s education be shared between homeschooling and public schooling, can the school district refuse to provide a service because there is no money for it, can the school force an ld student to take a specific class as an elective, can the school terminate a 504 plan without reevaluating the student, can you recommend a software program that teaches organizational skills in…, can you recommend an effective typing program for our son, who is dyslexic and dysgraphic, can you recommend any computer games that can help my daughter understand math concepts, can you recommend programs to assist students in the third to fifth grade who are struggling with math, cancer treatment affected my daughter’s short term memory, and she is struggling in school. how can i help her, do gifted students have the right to accommodation if needed to perform at full potential, do i need a doctor’s diagnosis to get audio books for my daughter, do students qualify for 504 plans if they are home schooled, do you have any helpful hints or tips for adults with ld that struggle with test anxiety, does a child have the right to an accommodation if they transfer to another school to take a particular class, does a child with vision impairments need to be placed in a special education setting, does technology have to be “dedicated at” in order to be considered or funded, does the school have to make accommodations in advanced classes as well as regular classes, how about students in kindergarten or early elementary school, who are just learning how to write their letters. for some students that’s a really difficult job., how are students using technology to help them study, how can a parent choose a good speech to text tool that will help their dysgraphic child , how can a student who has a learning disability and no computer skills survive college, how can an adult with a learning disability get accommodated to take the…, how can an adult with ld get accommodations on the act, how can i challenge statewide tests that i feel are in violation of my students’ ieps, how can i choose a voice recognition system that is a good match for my children, how can i evaluate the accessibility of an instructional resource, how can i find information about creating readings for blind or dyslexic students, how can i get accessible instructional materials for my son if the school will not provide them, how can i get an accommodation at work for my difficulty with handwriting, how can i get help with technology accommodations in graduate school, how can i get my son’s school to implement the technology provisions of his iep, how can i help an employee who exhibits signs of dyslexia but does not have a diagnosis, how can i help my 14-year-old daughter who struggles with reading, how can i help my adult daughter get an accommodation or exemption on her math requirements so she can and become a teacher, how can i help my son’s teachers to find the best ways to help him learn, how can i prove to my workplace that i have a learning disability if my high school records don’t indicate a diagnosis, how can i track down appropriate software for my daughter with multiple disabilities, how can i use software tools to teach my young adult son appropriate conversation skills, how can our school make our arts programs (music, art class, etc.) more inclusive for all students, how can public libraries better support people with learning disabilities, how can teachers and parents help students with attention issues, who have trouble getting organized or paying attention, how can we e-mail a textbook page home to a student with dyslexia, how can you receive accommodations on standardized tests for graduate school, how do i get a 504 plan for my child, how do i get accommodations for standardized college admissions tests, such as the sat and act, how do i handle a child who refuses to use the accommodations determined…, how do i pay for assistive technology, how do we go about finding the right tool for a particular child, how do you explain to the school that an accommodation is needed, if they say the behavior is caused by a problem with the parents, how do you go about engaging students to help formulate their own technology plan, how does a high school senior who is on a 504 plan obtain accommodations for the sat or act, how has our understanding of assistive technology evolved over time, how should i handle my trouble with math, how specific an accommodation can be requested in a child’s iep, how would changing from an iep to a 504 plan affect my child, i believe that my child’s iep needs to be reevaluated, but his teachers disagree. how do i make sure that his plan remains effective, i have a variety of levels in my esl class. how do i differentiate…, i think my child still needs the accommodations that an iep can provide, but his teachers disagree. what should i do, i’ve been denied accommodations for the lsat. what can i do, if a child gets accommodated in a special education classroom, can the school say that they must stay in special education to keep the accommodation, if the school does not “believe in dyslexia,” can they deny my son eligibility for an iep and a 504 plan, if you disclose a learning disability on a job application, does the employer have to provide accommodations, is a tape recorder an appropriate accommodation for students with dyslexia, is an iep applicable once a student graduates from high school, is it possible to get the gpa requirement for a bachelor’s degree modified, is peer support an acceptable substitute for assistive technology in the classroom, is there an audio-system that helps the student to focus on the teacher’s voice, must accommodations that are written in the iep apply to tests that place students in ability groups, my child has missed a lot of school due to illness. now her teacher will not let her make up work or attend the special olympics. what can i do, my daughter’s interventions have been altered based on her good grades, but she still needs help. what should i do, my middle-schooler is frustrated and embarassed by his classroom placement. what are our options for alternative placements, my university will not provide accomodations without a recent iep, which i do not have. is there anything i can do, our son will be entering a new school system, and we want to make sure he recieves special education services immediately. is there a way to arrange this before he starts school, should accommodations and modifications that affect grading be documented on report cards, should i go back to school as an adult if i suspect i have a learning disability, the school district wants me to use a curriculum that has not been effective for my students with special needs. what can i do, the school said it will take 30 weeks to start providing special education services. should they help pay for tutoring in the interim, what accommodations can be made for executive frontal dysfunction, what advice can you give me about the effectiveness of a computer training program vs. slingerland tutoring for auditory processing disorders, what are “newcomer” programs what are their pros and cons, what are some technology resources that can help adult learners with print disabilities, what are some test modifications available to students with ieps, what are the legal rights of a gifted child with non-verbal learning disabilities, what are your rights when the school makes some modifications for your child, but will not say that the child has a disability, what assistive technology tools could we use with a middle school student so he doesn’t feel singled out and different from his peers, what can a parent do when the school refuses to provide services for their child, what can i do when a teacher implements some iep accommodations but not others, what cell phone applications can benefit students with adhd, what change would you most like to see in the field of assistive technology, what do i do about teachers who belittle my son in front of other students and do not follow his iep, what do you do if a college professor denies you reasonable accommodation, what do you do if your child is removed from special education and then does not do well, what do you do when a graduate school refuses to accommodate a student during examinations, what documentation is necessary to recieve accomodations for the lsat, what does a parent do when the school says the student could do the work if he wanted to, what is assistive technology, what is the best way to coach dyslexic people on a sports team, what is the difference between at and universal design for learning, what is the interaction between special education and idea, what is your perspective on universal design for learning, or udl, what obligation does the school system have to evaluate a child who was diagnosed privately with add, what online resources are available for a student in a rural area without access to special education services, what options are available for audio versions of textbooks, what options are there for a teenager who needs a communication device, what reading software is effective for students who struggle with reading, what recommendations does the tech expert have for students with short-term memory difficulties, what rights does a teacher with a disability have, what rules must the school district follow when they evaluate a child for learning disabilities, what services are mandated to help an adult pass the ged test, what should we do if we disagree with the school’s interpretation of the iep accommodations, what software can help me with financial planning, what software helps students improve their typing on a keyboard, what software will assist a manager who wants to overcome a learning disability to write better, what speech recognition programs work when the user’s speech is inconsistent, what strategies are there to help kids with ld in gym class, sports, etc., what technologies can help a high school student with dysgraphia in science and math classes, what technologies can help my third grade daughter organize her writing, what technology can help a ten-year-old child with learning disabilities, what technology helps math, handwriting, and spelling, what technology helps students take notes in lectures, what technology is available to assist my child in reading articles online, what technology options are available for home schooled children, what technology resources can be used for students with motor and speech limitations, what technology tools can help my son with spelling, what technology tools can i use in my work writing to make sure i haven’t made errors, what to do when you find out that your child has the right to be evaluated for a disability years after they have started having problems in school, what tools can help my son with ld learn a foreign language, what tools help students stay organized, what treatment is needed for a child with dysgraphia, what would you do with a child who really struggles to get words down on a page, what would you say to parents and teachers who don’t know much about technology and might be a little intimidated, what’s your perspective on speech-to-text software, when a student needs a quiet work area because of their add, do they have a right to get it, when teachers don’t use assistive technology, cost is often a factor. are there good low tech solutions—or maybe some tools that are free or inexpensive that more teachers might consider, where can i find information about software to help my child with down syndrome, where can i find information on external accommodations for students with…, where can i find more books to use with a reading pen, where can i find multilingual text-to-speech solutions, where can i find software that can read websites aloud to me, where can we find information about apps for the ipad in special education, where can we get recorded books for our students who read slowly, why do i get tired when i’m trying to learn, with so many students using technology now, has it become easier for students with disabilities to use technology without feeling stigmatized, would you provide me with a list of assistive technology resources, a child was diagnosed with adhd and does not qualify for an iep, but he…, are there legal resources for individuals with disabilities who run into trouble with the law, can a diagnosis of adhd influence a judge’s decision in a criminal trial, can a five year old be evaluated for adhd, can a really busy person get diagnosed without spending much time at it, can a school district deny a child the support of an aide if one is needed, can a school district stop special education services because a student’s iq is of average range, can a school have teachers complete adhd screening forms without parental consent, can adhd meds help with an auditory processing disorder, can an add child get addicted to video games, can learning disabilities and adhd get worse in high school, do you have any tips for teenage drivers with adhd and/or ld, does my inattentive disorganized teenage son have adhd, how can a parent help their teenager with adhd (and/or ld) who has trouble staying organized, how can a teacher help a child with adhd who has trouble reading and speaking, how can i get a good diagnosis for my child who might have a learning disability, how can i get my daughter to stop procrastinating and do her homework without a fight, how can i help an adhd child with “sluggish cognitive tempo”, how do i set up an iep for my child with adhd, how do we help a child with adhd and auditory processing deficit, how do we make sure our daughter with adhd does not get bullied in middle school, how does a child with adhd qualify for an iep or 504 plan, how does the doctor figure out medication dosage, how should adhd be treated when there is also an anxiety disorder, i’m fifteen and think i have add. what are your ideas, if a nine-year-old suddenly starts having trouble focusing in school, is it adhd, if my child is diagnosed as adhd, will this affect him later in life (i.e…, is brain therapy available for children with impulsive behavior and poor time management skills, my child went on adhd medication and is now depressed. what now, my daughter receives accommodations for adhd, but doesn’t have a formal 504 plan. what can i do to make sure she gets this documentation, my high school son is off adhd meds but now he’s struggling with organization and self-motivation. what should i do, my son forgets things everywhere. is this a sign of a disability, my son has an auditory processing disorder and is struggling but the school is only offering a 504 plan. what can i do, my son is in kindergarten and cannot write his name, but the psychologist says he’s on track. should i request testing anyway, my son is on concerta for his adhd, but still struggles with multi-tasking and is falling behind in class. what is causing this, my son’s accomodations will change when he starts middle school. who should i talk to about this transition, our second-grade daughter is struggling with depression and adhd. what do we do, should a parent bring an advocate with them to an initial iep meeting, should adhd medication be given only when a child is at school, what can we put in the 504 plan to make sure that my son is not punished for symptoms of his adhd, what happens if medication does not seem to be working well, what happens when family members have add and other disabilities such as depression, anger-control problems, and anxiety disorders, what is the relationship between adhd and sleep apnea, what’s wrong with a child who throws tantrums, refuses to listen, and can’t concentrate, where can an adult be formally diagnosed with adhd, why would a child diagnosed with adhd have trouble retaining letter sounds, would a handheld organizer, like a palm pilot, be helpful in keeping a…, adults with ld, as an adult, how can i determine if i have dyscalculia, can ld be unrecognized until a student goes to college, can you suggest ways to ease the job interview process for someone with a learning disability, could the long hours it has taken me to do well at my studies be due to an undiagnosed learning disability, does a university student need a medical assessment to receive accommodation for learning disabilities, how can a college student or adult be tested for learning disabilities or…, how can i help my learning disabled son who is having trouble finding a job and getting into college, how do you distinguish between adhd and the inattention and impulsivity that can come up as people age, how does a person with a learning disability handle emotional trauma caused by ld, i have a learning disability and i am struggling to complete the requirements for my college degree. what are my options, i have a learning disability and suspect my 7-year-old daughter does, too. i want to get her tested but my husband thinks we should wait. what do you suggest, i have ld and adhd and struggle to regulate my emotions. could i have asperger’s syndrome, too, i have many symptoms of dyslexia, but i was never formally diagnosed. as an adult, is it worthwile to be tested, i think my coworker has an undiagnosed learning disability. how can i help him recognize it, is it necessary for a psychiatrist to contact the parents of an adult to make a diagnosis of learning disabilities, ld services seem mainly geared toward children — where can a struggling adult find help, my adult daughter has a disability and is seeking employment. what should…, my brother has a disability and is searching for a job, but i am worried…, what are some good learning strategies leading to college success for…, what can an adult do if they think they have asperger’s syndrome, what resources are available for adults with nonverbal learning disorders, what resources are available to help learning disabled adults find success in the workplace, what rights do i have at work as an adult with learning disabilities, what services will be available to my child with ld once he graduates from…, what should be done for an underemployed adult with a learning disability, where can young adults with learning disabilities find social networks and dating sites, assistive technology, are there any downloadable games or software available that are not timed, are there any grants or scholarships available for students in need of…, does technology affect learning in young children, how can i help a student with dyscalculia learn two-digit addition, how can i prepare parents for our new online curriculum, how can i use the smart board in my math classroom more interactively to meet the needs of all my students, i am looking for assistive technology for my child who has learning…, i am looking for written resources or computer programs to use in my…, i was told that my child would benefit from using certain types of…, what are some of the best and most commonly used technologies for students…, what reading technology tools and supports are effective for students who struggle with reading, what resources are available for assessing student use of technology, what social networking sites are safe and appropriate for a student with learning disabilities, what software can help students keep track of deadlines and organize their work to send it in on time, what technology tools can my daughter use over the summer to practice her math skills, what virtual worlds are appropriate for kids, where can i calculate readability levels online, would a portable book reader be appropriate for a child with visual processing issues, behavior & social skills, how do we help a kindergartner who cannot complete assignments independently and gets distracted easily, can schools legally keep students with adhd off of the honor roll because of behavior issues, can the school make a child study at home instead of being in the classroom, can the school refuse to let a child attend a party because they “can’t handle him”, how can a sibling help their younger brother with aspergers syndrome, how can i help a teacher understand her student’s behavior disorder, how can i help my daughter who has lost all of her former friends, how can i help my son who is calm at home but disruptive in class, how can i work with the professionals who help my son to improve his behavior difficulties, how can people with learning disabilities improve their social skills, how do you get a teenager with a learning disability to accept help when he says he doesn’t want services, how do you get the school to help a teenager who is acting out, is it blaming the victim to say a child uses ld as a crutch, is it okay to suspend a student over and over again for the same non-threatening, non-violent offense, my child’s reading and math skills are above average, but he has…, my daughter is easily distracted in the classroom and is impulsive in…, the school wants to put my social, bright 13-year-old daughter into an all-day program. what should i do, what are some legal strategies to help a child with a disability who is being punished for behavior related to their disability, what can a child do when their cousin with a learning disability often hits or kicks them, what can i do about a child with ld who has begun to act out, what can i do about a student with ld and horrible behavior problems, what is a good reaction for a parent to have when the school wants the child tested and they are not sure it is a good idea, what should a parent do when their teenage son has behavioral problems that might lead to fights with other students, what should a parent do with an adhd first grader who hates school, what should a teacher do with a defiant child, what technology products can help students learn social skills, classroom management, can you provide recommendations of things to consider when developing a university program for students with learning disabilities, what are some things i can do to make the new ells in my class feel…, what web resources could help a third grader who needs to learn science and social studies, college & college prep, are colleges required to provide testing and accommodations for students with learning disabilities, are there certain colleges that accommodate students with ld or adhd, can a high school iep be used to document the need for disability support services in college, can a high school require that a student with ld declare the disability on college applications, can college professors ask their students if they received special education services in high school, my child seems to have trouble with major tests. could this be a sign of a learning disability, my son is struggling in college and has become depressed because of the situation. what can i do, what can be disclosed in college recommendation letters regarding disabilities, what laws impact students with learning disabilities who wish to attend college, what rights do i have as a college student with learning disabilities, early identification, could a pre-kindergarten student who identifies numbers but not letters be showing early signs of dyslexia, how can i get a 4-year-old who can only say three words tested, how can i help my preschool son with a complicated diagnosis, how can i prevent my five year old from being removed from special education services that began at age three, how do you decide the most important therapy for a six-year old child, i suspect my child might have dyslexia. what should i do, is it dyslexia when a four-year-old reverses letters, is it dyslexia when our three-year old can’t identify letters and numbers, my 6-year-old son is reversing letters and numbers. should i get him tested, my child is 18 months old and is not yet speaking, but understands…, my child is having trouble identifying sight words. what can i do to help, my daughter just started preschool and i have noticed that sometimes she…, my preschool child has a severe speech impairment. what interventions are available for him, my sister’s first grade teacher said my sister will be in special ed classes for the rest of her life and won’t go to college. isn’t this setting her up for failure, my son had the precursors for dyslexia in preschool two years ago but is reading well now. should i still be concerned, my son has been struggling for three years and was held back but does not qualify for services. how can i fight this, liked it share it, visit our sister websites:, reading rockets launching young readers (opens in a new window), start with a book read. explore. learn (opens in a new window), colorín colorado helping ells succeed (opens in a new window), adlit all about adolescent literacy (opens in a new window), reading universe all about teaching reading and writing (opens in a new window).

Advice | Ask Amy: Scolded writer disparages Amy’s…

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Advice | Ask Amy: Scolded writer disparages Amy’s advice about family tension

'i would have appreciated a fraction of the empathy you extended to my sister-in-law'.

Dear Readers : Periodically, I publish updates to previous questions and answers published in this space. The following was published in 2018. The update follows the original Q&A.

Dear Amy : I grew up with two siblings — a brother and a sister.

My brother, his wife and three children lived near our parents. My family and I (wife, two children) lived some distance away. We maintained contact through holiday cards and drop-by visits. Everything was cordial, if not particularly close. In hindsight, all direct interaction with my folks was always at our initiation.

Sadly, my brother passed away quite suddenly a few years ago. He was still a relatively young man. My sister-in-law still maintained infrequent, cordial contact surrounding major family events, but that’s about it.

About a year ago my SIL married an old flame from college. She moved to his town, some distance away. We lost all contact. It was not just us — she and her children essentially “ghosted” their paternal grandparents, which was a source of great pain for my father, who is now dead.

Strangely, last week I learned that my SIL and her daughter (same age as one of my children) had relocated again, six months ago. They are now living within 10 minutes’ drive from my house. I guess the previous relocation and marriage didn’t work out.

I am trying very hard to empathize with her: Perhaps they just suffered another in a series of terrible situations. But then, why pretend that my family and I don’t exist? Why not make any effort?

My wife is furious and is considering not giving any more graduation/wedding gifts to the nieces/nephew from this part of the “family.”

Your advice?

— Ghosted Uncle

Dear Uncle : I’m wondering why you are ghosting your nieces/nephew.

Their father died suddenly. They were relocated to a faraway town for a marriage that turned out to be very short term. Then they moved again.

Were you ever a teenager? (I’m guessing at the ages of these kids.) Would you have initiated contact with your aunt and uncle if there had been sporadic contact in the years after a parent’s death, and then no contact for at least a year?

Your sister-in-law might be depressed, embarrassed, overwhelmed, introverted — or just doesn’t like you very much. She has done a poor job of staying connected to her children’s relatives.

What’s your excuse?

You should reach out through whatever means you have. Express enthusiasm that they are so close, and offer to lend a hand/get together.

Your wife’s idea to punish these children by not celebrating their milestones is unkind. I hope you’ll both choose to behave differently in order to demonstrate to your nieces and nephew how to be in a family.

UPDATE: I wrote to you as “Ghosted Uncle,” regarding how my late brother’s wife and children had cut off contact with my family.

Things are largely unchanged. After your advice basically chastising me, I did try for a time. My efforts were never reciprocated or apparently appreciated.

In the past year I have returned two wedding invitations and a graduation announcement, as I really don’t want anything to do with them at this point.

At times I have been told by other family members that my former sister-in-law and her children have had a lot of personal issues. In recent years I have asked that they not share any of these statements with me.

So, not much is new. I will say that I would have appreciated you showing me a fraction of the empathy you extended to my former sister-in-law.

But as I said back then, I asked for your opinion, so I got it.

Dear R : Thank you for providing this update. Most of the updates I receive from readers suggest positive change, and while I am cheered by this, I suspect that most of the people who write to me have experiences closer to yours.

However, I have to point out that even though you say your efforts have not been reciprocated or appreciated, these young family members have invited you to two weddings and a graduation. You have refused these invites.

These invitations are the essence of reciprocation. They are bids for connection, much like the ones you made. And now it is their turn to feel rejected.

You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.

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Adolescence

5 ways to help teens stop procrastinating and get things done, shifting responsibility from parents to teenager can be a good first step..

Posted September 14, 2022 | Reviewed by Davia Sills

• Teenagers don't always work on our schedules. It's important for adults to make clear what's expected of them.
• Shifting responsibility from the adult to the teenager can help empower the adolescent and build self-esteem.
• Showing an adolescent the importance of being responsible and meeting deadlines without prompting is a valuable skill to learn.

If you have teenagers in your house, chances are they don’t always “jump to it” when you have something you’d like them to do. Whether it’s getting their homework done, helping with chores around the house, or getting up at a decent hour on weekends, they’re most likely on their own schedule, which may be much, much slower than yours. As a result, there are conflicts that most likely occur between family members as you try to get teens to adhere to a schedule you find more reasonable.

One of the problems parents face is that teenagers don’t have the same priorities as adults. They don’t particularly care if they do their homework promptly and responsibly. They’ll get around to it. Chores are no fun, and often they wait until parents are at their wit’s end before complying. If you’ve had to raise your voice repeatedly to get anything done around the house by your teen, you know the reality of this situation.

The good news is that, developmentally, teens are in a place where they can be motivated to become more responsible. The first step in doing this is to start to shift the responsibility from yourself to them. That means they need to be responsible for getting their chores done or their homework completed. After all, if you continue to manage their choices, they won’t learn to function effectively in the world. Starting with the awareness that it may seem almost impossible for teens to become more self-motivated and responsible, here are some ideas to help teens to start taking responsibility for their own actions.

1. Shift Responsibility to the Teen.

Up until now, chances are you were a lot more invested in your adolescent completing their responsibilities than they were. Self- motivation to do chores or homework can be rare indeed. The good news is that can change. It all comes down to the proper motivation. Millions of people go to jobs every day that they’re not crazy about. They do it because the reward outweighs the alternative. The same can be applied to motivating teenagers.

Teens want things from us. They want to be driven places, or if they’re driving, they want to use the car. They want to go to parties and stay out late with their friends. These are all things that require a teenager to be responsible. These are privileges that require parental trust to help keep them safe. When you shift the responsibility of getting things done from yourself to the teenager and reinforce it with a rewards system that gives them something they want if they comply, you help them develop a sense of responsibility and empowerment. While you may have to remind them to complete their tasks at first, chances are they will get the message and complete their chores to get the rewards they want.

2. Let Them Set the Time to Accomplish Their Goals.

As parents, we watch our kids appear at times to be unmotivated. As a result, we wind up managing their time for them. We tell them when to do their homework. We remind them to do the dishes. We set their bedtimes. Doing these things puts the responsibility to honor their commitments on our shoulders. We wind up having to continually remind them to get things done, and this is frustrating for us and for them.

Maybe it’s time to let teenagers start managing their own time. This can shift the responsibility for getting things done from the adult to the teenager. Explain that they’re older now, and you expect them to be more responsible. Talk with them about the importance of being able to be self-motivated and accomplishing their goals. Be specific about what needs to be done and the deadline for getting it done. Explain that the more responsible they are, the more privileges they will get in the household.

3. Excuses Better Be Valid.

Kids love to make excuses for why they’re not getting things done. Let them know that excuses no longer cut it. They need to take care of their commitments within the time limits agreed upon. With teenagers, often their excuses are just a way to get out of taking responsibility for their behaviors. By holding teens to their word and not allowing excuses to easily “get them off the hook,” you are helping them understand that their commitments matter and are expected to be met.

4. Expect Them to Do What They Say They’re Going to Do.

When your teen gets older and starts working or getting into a serious relationship, their bosses and partners are going to expect them to honor their commitments. This is an important life skill that the sooner they learn, the better off they will be. Let teens know that when they agree to something, you expect them to follow through and complete what they’ve promised. You’re not being rigid or unfair by expecting them to keep their word.

5. Have Clear Expectations.

It’s not bad parenting to expect your child to contribute something to the household. Whether it’s chores, taking care of younger siblings, or just getting good grades, these are not unreasonable expectations for your teen. It’s actually unfair of parents to have no expectations for their children during most of their young life and then criticize them for lazing around the house all day.

Expectations are a good thing. They help prepare the child for adulthood and can give them a sense of being able to accomplish things. Having clear expectations is also a great way to build self-confidence .

Admittedly, it’s not easy to motivate teens. Whether you choose a reward system or just structure a schedule they can adhere to, the important thing is to help motivate your teen to start taking responsibility for their own behaviors and choices. As children reach their teenage years, developing a sense of responsibility can make a big difference in their ability to succeed. It’s a vital life skill that can help them feel empowered, which can lead to increased self-esteem .

David Schwartz, LMFT, is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who works with adolescents, adults, couples, and families in Westlake Village, California.

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