death of a friend essay

• Smart Living

One of My Close Friends Died, and This Is What It Taught Me About Grief

Growing up, the word "death" didn't hold nearly as much weight as it does now. I used to associate it mostly with older relatives, but it still wasn't something I entirely understood. This past year, however, after losing a close friend , I have come to truly feel the destruction that that one small word can bring. It has left me unexpectedly trying to wrap my head around the confusing concept of: how do we live and move forward without the ones we love ? Or, how do we help the people close to us get through the horrible process of grief? Here a few things I've learned during this painful process, and I hope they can help you, too.

1. Change Is Expected . . . and It's OK

One of the first things I had to come to terms with while grieving was that with loss comes change. This might mean that either or both your big and small habits can flip, but all of that is totally normal and OK. For me, this came in the form of wanting to stay in a lot more than usual . Instead of wanting to go out with my friends, I craved drinking tea and watching movies at home. At first, I felt really guilty about this sudden shift in behavior. I kept reminding myself that I'm young, and aren't young people supposed to go out and be wild? But I was emotionally drained all the time, and a warm cup of tea was filling me up more than a beer and trivial conversation could.

I had to learn to be confident in my new choices and realize that they are just as worthy and fulfilling. I also had to learn to trust their timeline. I wasn't sure when I would feel ready to be social again, and that's OK. As scary as these changes might feel, try to embrace them. Find methods and take part in habits that make you feel comfortable and whole again. There's no shame in doing what feels right, especially during a time that can feel very off and wrong.

2. It's OK to Not Be OK

It's OK to ask for help and to not be OK, plain and simple! Struggle comes in many different forms and you don't have to handle it alone . Keep this in mind with your friends, too, because on the surface they may seem perfectly fine, but underneath they could be wrestling bigger demons. If they come to you, listen to them and be there. And always find ways to cope and help yourself as well.

3. Don't Judge

You never know what battles other people are fighting, so try not to be so quick to judge someone's behavior. Grief can take make forms, and that might include someone you know (or don't) acting out in frustrating ways . No, we can't all be best friends, but we certainly don't need to break each other down, either. There's always more than what meets the eye, so be sure to be gentle with others and their mistakes in the same way you would want someone to be gentle with you.

4. Don't Take Life For Granted

Death can make us reflect on our own lives and confront our own mortality in two ways. First, it can be a much-needed reminder that life is short and we should enjoy it as much as we can. But on the flip side, it can also remind us that bad things can happen and that we should always be aware of our surroundings. No, you shouldn't be paranoid of death lurking around every corner (that's no way to live!), but you should make your safety and happiness (physical, mental, emotional) a priority. Find out what truly makes you happy and run with it.

5. It's OK to Move On

This is one of the most important and difficult lessons that I still struggle with, but it's OK to move on and be happy again. When I lost my friend, I remember feeling guilty about continuing my life and moving forward. In the face of death and grief, your daily routine can feel mundane and pointless. However, your loved ones would want you to be happy. Sometimes being alive is the hardest thing to fathom and do, but you've got to keep on going. So, enjoy the blissful moments when they're around, because you have a right to feel happy again.

As time moves forward, I continue to reflect on how my life is changing in so many different ways because of my grief. These are just a few thoughts I have found peace in lately, most of them landing on the reassurance that it's good to welcome emotion into your heart. Feel what you're feeling and find a way to work through it and move on from it. Give yourself grace always and know that somehow, in your own ways, you'll find yourself again.

• Personal Essay

My Best Friend Unexpectedly Died. Here's What I Learned About Unrelenting Grief.

Guest Writer

People rarely want to talk about death. Whether it’s about their own death, the death of someone they love or just the concept of death, most people would rather chat about colonoscopies and taxes than discuss something they’re so afraid of and don’t really understand.

I was the same way until I experienced a profound loss just over a year ago. My best friend since the 9th grade died after suffering a grand mal seizure. She went into cardiac arrest and although she was revived, a week later she was pronounced brain dead. Her family made the difficult decision to remove her breathing tube and let her go on her own terms.

We had been friends from adolescence to adulthood and we’d been through every major milestone together. Except for a five-year gap during college when we drifted apart, we were in each other’s lives for over 40 years.

I was there when she got married. I held her children when they were born. I watched her become a gifted teacher. She saw me struggle professionally for years until I finally found my niche. She wiped away my tears over failed relationships. She was there during the biggest crisis of my life when my mother suffered a brain aneurysm. We had built an incredible life together based on understanding, acceptance and love.

When her husband called me that early Monday morning, I couldn’t grasp what he was saying. All I could make out was that she’d suffered some sort of seizure and a Flight For Life had taken her to a trauma center in Portland. “How could this be happening,” I wondered. I had just seen her two days before and she was fine! She was happy and upbeat! I was stunned. And ever since that morning, nothing has ever been the same for me.

After a week filled with hope and disappointment, she was gone. I’m grateful her son put me on speaker phone while he sat next to her in the hospital so I could beg her to wake up and tell her I loved her. But it didn’t matter ― I’d never see my beautiful and amazing friend again.

No more cups of coffee. No more movies. No more shopping in junk shops. No more late-night texting.

It’s been just over a year and I’m still devastated.

After she died, I spent the next few months in a fog. I sell print advertising and my sales took a major dive. I’ll be forever thankful to my boss for being so understanding. This was the height of the pandemic and everything was shut down, so I gave myself permission to shut down, too. I worked virtually so I didn’t have to be my usual upbeat self. Most of my interactions with clients were via email, so I didn’t even have to smile or pretend to be interested in their lives. It took way too much energy to muster any enthusiasm to try and convince people that advertising would help their business. How could I care about their business when my world had been turned upside down? I did whatever I could to just make it through the day. And then another. And then another.

The little energy I did have was channeled into supporting her husband and children. I checked in with her husband almost every day. I had known him for over 30 years, but never really had any deep conversations with him without my friend being present. I had always liked and respected him because he was her husband and she loved him, but now I was learning more about him ― not as her partner but as an individual ― and I began to forge my own bond with him.

“I’ve learned that there is no timeline for grief. There’s no expiration date. Whether it’s been days or decades since you lost someone, it can still hurt as much as the moment they left.”

Grief can be a punishing emotion. Sometimes, it feels like I’m hauling around a giant boulder in my stomach. I sigh a lot as if I’m trying to exhale the pain. I feel wobbly and off balance. I’m often overwhelmed by loneliness even though I’m in a room full of people.

Grief is unpredictable. It comes in waves and when you least expect it. It’s always there and doesn’t care if it’s Christmas or your birthday. It casts a pall over everything you do. It causes anxiety and panic attacks. It causes despair. It affects your job and relationships. It’s like a perpetual storm with too few and too brief breaks to let the sunlight in before the pitch black clouds return.

I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life. I lost my mother and father, both of whom I loved with my entire soul. I’ve lost two of my brothers without warning ― one just 10 months after my best friend died. I’ve lost pets that were so special to me, my world revolved around them. And I’ve discovered that each bout of grief is different. Each loss is unique and painful in its own way.

Grief has taught me about life, too. I found that the friends I thought would be there for me when I needed them, weren’t. And the ones I thought wouldn’t reach out or care, did.

I’ve learned that there is no timeline for grief. There’s no expiration date. Whether it’s been days or decades since you lost someone, it can still hurt as much as the moment they left. You just learn to accommodate the pain. You accept that nothing will ever be the same and try not to have any expectations of returning to the way your life was before the loss. You just live with it.

I’m happy to say there are finally more sunny days than cloudy ones. I can now think of my best friend with more smiles than with tears. I’m grateful I told her how much I loved her and how proud I was of her. She lives on through her son and daughter. I see her compassion, humor and ideals in them every day.

I read somewhere that grief is simply love with no place to go. I’m grateful I got to experience that kind of love because a lot of people never do. And I will try my hardest to go on with my own life as a way to honor hers.

Stephanie Baker lives in McMinnville, the epicenter of Oregon wine country. She sells advertising for a living and in her spare time enjoys writing, watching trashy reality shows and snuggling with her dog, Darby.

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From Our Partner

More in huffpost personal.

Grief: Coping with the loss of your loved one

Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits.

Coping with the loss of a close friend or family member may be one of the hardest challenges that many of us face. When we lose a spouse, sibling or parent our grief can be particularly intense. Loss is understood as a natural part of life, but we can still be overcome by shock and confusion, leading to prolonged periods of sadness or depression. The sadness typically diminishes in intensity as time passes, but grieving is an important process in order to overcome these feelings and continue to embrace the time you had with your loved one.

Everyone reacts differently to death and employs personal coping mechanisms for grief. Research shows that most people can recover from loss on their own through the passage of time if they have social support and healthy habits. It may take months or a year to come to terms with a loss. There is no “normal” time period for someone to grieve. Don’t expect to pass through phases of grief either, as research suggests that most people do not go through stages as progressive steps.

If your relationship with the deceased was difficult, this will also add another dimension to the grieving process. It may take some time and thought before you are able to look back on the relationship and adjust to the loss.

Human beings are naturally resilient, considering most of us can endure loss and then continue on with our own lives. But some people may struggle with grief for longer periods of time and feel unable to carry out daily activities. Individuals with severe grief or complicated grief could benefit from the help of a psychologist or another licensed mental health professional with a specialization in grief.

Moving on with life

Mourning the loss of a close friend or relative takes time, but research tells us that it can also be the catalyst for a renewed sense of meaning that offers purpose and direction to life.

Grieving individuals may find it helpful to use some of the following strategies to help them process and come to terms with loss:

• Talk about the death of your loved one with friends or colleagues in order to help you understand what happened and remember your friend or family member. Avoidance can lead to isolation and will disrupt the healing process with your support systems.
• Accept your feelings . You may experience a wide range of emotions from sadness, anger or even exhaustion. All of these feelings are normal and it’s important to recognize when you are feeling this way. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed by these emotions, it may be helpful to talk with a licensed psychologist or other mental health professional who can help you cope with your feelings and find ways to get back on track.
• Take care of yourself and your family . Eating healthy foods, exercising and getting plenty of sleep can help your physical and emotional health. The grieving process can take a toll on one’s body.  Make sure you check in with your loved ones and that they are taking the necessary healthy steps to maintain their health.
• Reach out and help others dealing with the loss . Spending time with loved ones of the deceased can help everyone cope. Whether it’s sharing stories or listening to your loved one’s favorite music, these small efforts can make a big difference to some. Helping others has the added benefit of making you feel better as well.
• Remember and celebrate the lives of your loved ones . Anniversaries of a lost loved one can be a difficult time for friends and family, but it can also be a time for remembrance and honoring them. It may be that you decide to collect donations to a favorite charity of the deceased, passing on a family name to a baby or planting a garden in memory. What you choose is up to you, as long as it allows you to honor that unique relationship in a way that feels right to you.

How psychologists can help

Psychologists are trained to help people better handle the fear, guilt or anxiety that can be associated with the death of a loved one. If you need help dealing with your grief or managing a loss, consult with a psychologist or other licensed mental health professional. Psychologists can help people build their resilience and develop strategies to get through their sadness. Practicing psychologists use a variety of evidence-based treatments — most commonly psychotherapy — to help people improve their lives. Psychologists, who have doctoral degrees, receive one of the highest levels of education of any health care professional.

This article was adapted from a March 2011 post by Katherine C. Nordal, PhD.

The full text of articles from APA Help Center may be reproduced and distributed for noncommercial purposes with credit given to the American Psychological Association. Any electronic reproductions must link to the original article on the APA Help Center. Any exceptions to this, including excerpting, paraphrasing or reproduction in a commercial work, must be presented in writing to the APA. Images from the APA Help Center may not be reproduced

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Mourning the Death of a Friendship

“If a friendship lasts 7 years, psychologists say it will last a lifetime.” I’m calling bs on that cute little meme. Many people are fortunate enough to have such relationships, and I count a few long-term patient people among my friends. But still many more of us know that the time you put into a friendship is no guarantee of success. Friendships end. Not all, but many do. Sometimes it’s with a fight, a betrayal, a bang. Sometimes it’s with distance, time, a whimper. And none of us are immune to the death of a friendship after a major life change – weddings and babies are like sieves that not everyone makes it through.

I’ve seen my share of friendships end so don’t think I’m referring to any one person when I say I’ve mourned. Years ago I found myself searching the internet for coping skills on friendships ending. My face was sticky with hot tears, my stomach knotted in grief. I was in pain, in mourning, in disbelief, and didn’t know what to  do . There was nothing I could do to salvage this relationship that had once been so precious to me, and I couldn’t just sit with the sadness. I needed  something to do, a guide, a tip, some way to get through this.

But there was nothing.

Lots of stuff about how to get over an unworthy boyfriend, a few things on how to pick yourself up after the loss of a job, but nothing about how to deal with the loss of a confidant, surrogate sister, and the other half of so many happy memories. Sure, the stages of grief can apply, and yeah, getting over someone isn’t too terribly different just because you didn’t date. Love is love and grief is grief, but there’s something distinctly tragic about the loss of a friendship that leaves us raw and aching in a way no other breakup can. Friendship is felt in a different part of our selves, has a comfort and familiarity to it that we don’t notice until it’s gone. We trust our friends with our secrets and share with them our silliest of memories, so when they leave they seem to take those with them. It’s like the door we were leaning against suddenly opens and we fall flat without the support we didn’t realize we’d come to rely upon. Even when that door opens slowly, we can feel it giving way, but we still can’t stop it and we’re still left standing alone with a whole half of ourselves exposed that was previously firmly against our support. Got some good news to share? A secret to spill? An inside joke that you’re dying to laugh at? You turn and are left with the gaping doorway now, a giant hole. Instead of the familiar you are left with… nothing. Well, the pain is there. The ache of missing someone who is very much alive, of the realization that you must retrain your brain and rid yourself of the muscle memory that tries to constantly direct you to where your friend once was. The old adage tells us that when a door closes a window opens, but loss is much more an exposed and open door than a shut one.

This is where I was when I found myself searching for how to deal with the living loss of a friend.

Over my years of hurting and healing I’ve come to a few realizations that I hope will help you in coping with the same loss. I can’t say I have tips or tricks or exercises, because really you can’t trick a heart into healing or speed the process up, but you can allow it to make itself whole again.

First, allow yourself the memories. Whether there was a huge, emotional blow-up over a devastating betrayal or the two of you just drifted apart, you get to keep the memories. If they’re good ones, you’re still allowed to smile at them. No matter how mad or sad you are at the end of the friendship, the memories before that are happy and should be left that way. You had your laughs, your jokes, your special movies and shared memories. Your friend was a comfort and a joy at one point – don’t rewrite the past by not allowing yourself to remember those times fondly. Whoever that friend is now, they were special then. Keep it that way.

Don’t try to replace them. The closer the friend the larger the void they leave. Sure, you’ll have another best friend someday, and no one is ever limited to the number of friends they’re allowed. But don’t try to find a replacement. Don’t try to find a knock-off version of the friend you’ve lost. Don’t compare potential suitors to the past ones. Sometimes you’ll need more than one person to fill all the gaps the lost friend leaves behind. This doesn’t mean the new friends aren’t as good as the old one, it doesn’t mean you’ll never find that same closeness again. It means that everyone has unique gifts to offer each other, and while one may fill your laughing tank you may need another who will listen without judgement. Don’t try to find someone who will do everything for you. Don’t compare your new friendship to the deep one you’re grieving. And don’t scroll through your contacts to create a queue for best friend auditions. The living person you’ve lost was special and unique, and  whether you think of them now fondly or ferociously, who they were to you will always be special and unique. Let everyone else be as special and unique as they can with you.

Wish them well. Seriously. As you work through the stages of grief – or as you work through the disbelief at whatever event has led to the end of your friendship – wish them well. Whoever they are, they’re stuck with themselves. You’re not around anyway to see them hit their shins on trailer hitches so why waste your energy hoping for it? It would be impossible to remember the good times fondly if every thought of the person you shared them left you seething  with bitterness. Healing just isn’t possible while holding onto hatred. However it ended, they once meant a great deal to you. Protect what you had – and your own heart – by wishing them well.

Don’t wait around for them to realize their mistake. Denial is part of the natural process of grief. Hope is inescapable and can protect the heart by easing into the pain of sudden blows. Let yourself accept that it’s over. Delete their contact information from your phone. Yes, at some point they may miss you, too – you’re awesome, after all, right? But don’t pin your hopes on getting a text or message bursting with apologies and promises and invitations to dinner. Allow yourself to accept the finality of the situation. It will suck. It will hurt. But it’s the reality.

Admit any contribution you may have made to the demise of your friendship. Obviously there was nothing you could have done if your friend turned out to be living a double life as a snake you’d never have recognized, but in the cases of slow death, repressed hurt feelings, misunderstandings that festered, take the time to examine yourself. None of us are perfect. If you seem to have a lot of friendships fizzle, do some self reflection and honestly own – then address – what you may have done to aide in their expiration. Improve yourself. Don’t allow yourself to believe the hype that makes it easier to hate – you won’t heal if you simply point the finger and try to move on. Reflect. Admit. Accept. Grow.

Grieve.  It seems so simple to say, doesn’t it?  Of course you’ll grieve, right? In all the searching I did for help in getting over the living loss of a friend, not finding much tells me that no, we don’t know it’s okay to grieve. The person is still alive, after all, so what’s to mourn? If you’re mad at them then you’re totally justified and shouldn’t feel the sting of sadness, right? No, dear. A friendship is a living thing, a special something that only exists between the love of two people. It strengthens over time, fills with memories, has its own unique quirks and eccentricities, and must be nurtured to grow. It’s perfectly acceptable – even necessary – then, to grieve its death. There is nothing silly or indulgent in shedding tears over a pair suddenly separated. When a friendship dies a bit of magic is lost, and the cold and lonely reality of what’s left – and what’s gone – demands adjustment, acceptance, healing, and grief. Let yourself cry. Acknowledge the loss. Something has died and it is, indeed, very very sad. It is an end, but not  the end, so grieve what you must in order to move on. But maybe wait a while before you watch  Beaches , there’s really only so much grief a person need face all at once.

All of this to say, if you find yourself mourning the death of a friendship that ended too soon or healing from one that didn’t end soon enough, you will be okay. You will make it through. You will heal and laugh again. You will even find yourself one day living a life you never thought wouldn’t be shared with your friend and be startled to realize just how much about you they don’t know now. This gone-away friend is not the last one you will ever have. You will make new friends, more friends, different friends. What’s gone is gone but the memories will live on, and so, my friend, will you.

Author: Jen

I am the wife of an insanely hot husband and the momma of three precious and exhausting kiddos. I have been given way more than I could ever deserve and I really love naps. View all posts by Jen

154 thoughts on “Mourning the Death of a Friendship”

This is beautifully written and just what I needed right now. Thank you so much for writing it. I’m still tragically sad, however now, I am tragically sad, and grateful at the same time.

RIP Best Friend of 25 years.

Man, this sucks.

Oh, Jaime, I’m so sorry. It absolutely sucks. ❤️

Lost my older by one year sister age 6. Moved house became friends with 2 girls, turns out they both shared my late sisters birthday. Anyhow one homed in on my first true love 2wks after we split. Me and him kept getting together over two more years til I gave up. He went back to her, but 6 years on came to my weddt and I knew his feelings were still as strong. A week later he married her but 2hrs after taking his vows told me he’d married the wrong girl. Thankfully my own marriage was strong. They kept splitting up n called it a Day. The other girls bf didn’t like my bf or me even though he’d introduced them. She came to our wedding along with her family, who’d moved out of London so she spent most weekends at my mum’s house. So many shared memories, holidays etc. No idea when it went too wrong. Anyway today I came across photos of our once in a lifetime holiday and the tears are flowing. Wedding and children bit was the death knell. So 32 years on Reading your blog helped. Thank you x

Googled “death of a friendship” this morning, and this amazing article came up. This Christmas produced the death of a 35 year friendship. So painful. So many tears. Just no words..except yours. Thank you.

Oh, Bridget, that’s a lifetime. I am so very sorry.

Best friends for 45 years. She took a powder when my husband died. I am now dealing with two deaths: his and my friendship with her. Thank you for this thoughtful piece.

This morning I also googled death of a friendship after waking up the past few mornings with such sadness of how I missed these friendships that died 6 months ago. In the midst of planning my wedding with my boyfriend of 6 years, I asked several important women in my life to be apart of my bridal party. Yes, everyone always warned me that you find out who really cares for you when you plan a wedding. 3 of these women and I have been friends since we were 10, now 27, they are no longer in my life, at all. It’s like they never existed.

You are not alone, that’s the important thing to know through all the sadness. Other women have experienced the death of friendships they thought would last a lifetime. Friends we thought were more family than friends. I debated writing a blog, or a goodbye letter to these women after we parted ways but instead found this beautiful blog post. After 6 months, I am finally mourning the loss of these friends and its strange. I was so strong when it happened and truly felt nothing, I was afraid that I felt nothing, that they weren’t as important to me as I thought. But now, 6 months later and mourning the loss of friends I once cared for so deeply, I am realizing, they never truly cared for me.

I can tell you that I am sure your friends cared about you. Honestly, I could think this post is about my friend since this is the reason we stopped talking. She was getting married and I jsut had a baby. Having a new baby was soo rough for me. I didn’t have a lot of support and I was crumbling. My anxiety and depression caused me to isolate myself and there was no way I could focus on her wedding. I was maid of honor but asked to be bridesmaid but even then, I really couldn’t. It ultimately ended with her uninviting me to her wedding. I also felt my own resentment because I felt she wasn’t around in my new chapter of kids. But things happen and people change or just don’t understand what’s going on. Three years later and I am still mourning the loss of my friend but I am too afraid of reaching out and finally saying what I needed to say then.

I feel this allllll too well! I too, recently had a wedding. One of my bridesmaids betrayed me and made up false accusations and twisted words i said that in turn didn’t just ruin our friendship but my friendship with my best guy friend of 20 years. We had been friends since 5th grade. We are in our thirties now. He won’t talk to me to defend myself or tell him what really happened bc it was supposedly said about his wife. Now my bridesmaid and my best guy friend and his wife are bestfriends and I’m left out in the cold looking like an idiot. They have blocked me on everything as well. It hurts. I cry all the time. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest. I feel you girl

Yes 55 year friendship ended. I am 60. There’s a part of me that wants to keep trying to repair but it’s clearly evident in her that she wants no contact. I am excepting the ending with sadness and gratitude as. well

55 years….that’s a lifetime. I never thought I’d read about someone else mourning a friendship that had lasted so long. My heart goes out to you. I too have lost a 50+ year friendship. I’ve been told that I am unwilling to “let go” of my anger, that I need to move on, and other such unhelpful advice. Nobody seems to realize I am grieving a death.

Me too Denise. 50 year frienship…and I just turned 60. I became wrapped up in caring for my elderly parents through Alzheimer’s, strokes, and everything in between…never once did she offer her support…and yet I saw her helping so many others through things. She felt things were lopsided with her always making the effort. How could we see things so differently?! I have come to believe I just didn’t fit in to her picture of family with husband, kids, and grandkids…I have none of them. The lopsided was just her excuse to give herself permission to end the friendship. What hurts so bad is the dishonesty and being treated like I did something terrible. We have many common friends and they have not reached out..gone as well. I hate wondering what has been said about me. I find myself crying wondering what I did??!! It’s been a little over a year and I am still hurting so bad! Her daughter was my Goddaughter…she had a baby and when this was beginning to go down…I was seeing pictures on social media of all these baby showers, none of which I was invited. Never have met my friends Granddaughter. Just seems so hurtful and wrong. I look so forward to getting through this, not crying myself to sleep, and seeing it as a thing of the past. I wish no one I’ll will and just want to be able to move on!!!!

Same here. I am tragically sad. I am mourning the death of a friendship of 20 years and its SAD!

I am 41. I lost 2 of my best friends. My closest was a friend since I could talk and the other since third grade. They didn’t support a decision I made. It was them or my husband and I chose him. I am happy with my decision but at the same time devastated by the loss of the two people I thought I could always count on. It’s been a year and I will always love them but they no longer hold a place on my heart as they abandoned me during a time which I needed them most. I am ok. I am happy. I just feel like a big piece of me is missing.

Hi there Jaime I’m not sure when you posted….but do you better about what happened….inner peace?

I’m very sorry 💗💗💗

Thanks for this. I have lost my mother in law after 28 years(friendship not death) and one of my best friends after 12 years at the same time and could not seem to move past anger and realized yesterday that I’m grieving. Thank you for this. Very insightful. Been working on forgiveness and healing but some of these are so poignant. Didn’t think about how it was ok to still have good memories. That has been hard for me as some of my happiest memories are with them in it.

Oh, Kris, I am so sorry for your loss! That’s a lot to grieve. It’s so hard to imagine creating new memories without the stars of our favorite memories, but I’m so, so hopeful for you. It’s okay to miss someone you’re hurt at, and I really hope you’re able to heal someday. ❤️

I am struggling with a friendship that, quite frankly, I had to end because it became toxic after she moved out of the area. The friendship was very one-sided (with a generational disparity) with me doing almost all the giving and support and enduring jabs, criticism and at times anger. After so many unpleasant exchanges and reconciliations I came to the conclusion that she was intentionally sabotaging the relationship and I needed out to preserve my own well-being. After all, a friendship that continually hurts isn’t a friendship at all. Still, I can’t eat….feel extreme loss, have cried many tears—but will remember the good times and know that this hurt will eventually pass. She lives alone and has had a lot of hurts and losses and only one relative that she speaks with and only a few friends. Perhaps I was jaded that my friendship would really positively-impact her, but the unprovoked anger finally told me otherwise. Thanks for this forum and any advice as this is so new and raw would be particularly helpful at this time.

Watching the friendship die before my eyes and grieving already. Wish i could just rip on the band aid and just end it.Thanks for the words if encouragement and hope.

Goodness, May, I’m so sorry. ❤️❤️❤️

I’m in that same position. Think we both are just holding on because we’re both scared but not Ute how to come back from this. All I do is 😢

I can relate to this article but he didn’t end the friendship I did yes I’m still kinda angry at him because I did see that it was one sided and I know one sided friendships don’t work at all they never have never will he always put his girlfriend first all the time which was a red flag he never made time for me even though he lives on the same street no he’s not being loyal he’s being selfish he’s changed since he started dating his girlfriend he’s become more irritated and angrier someone I don’t know anymore maybe with time things will go back to how they were but until then no I’ve got no intention of being his friend again I can’t go back unless he starts putting in effort

This hit home all points. It was like it was written to me. I was angry and hurt and sad and probably still am, but I’m heading to well wishes and an almost sense of relief. The beginning was wonderful and fun but something started to shift slightly the last two years and then the last last year I wasn’t feeling the same after some misunderstandings. She did cut me off abruptly but it was getting toxic towards the end and I wasn’t feeling the same. So when she did sever our ties it does feel like a sense of relief mixed in with the sadnesss and anger. I hope to visit this article in a few months or a year and see my comment and be in a better place. I know I will be, every day gets better as long as I pray and remain close to my loved ones and will remember to wish her the best in my mind even when I don’t truly feel it yet, I’m going to train my mind to follow my heart to wish her the best ❤️

Thanks for this, so helpful. I’m mourning the loss of my best friend, who is also a family member. I have a wonderful relationship with her children and will still see her at family functions, etc. Do you have any advice for this situation? Thank you

Oh goodness, how difficult! With it being a family member and still loving her children, try not to give in to the temptation to be angry. Don’t force a relationship with the kids, let their mom make that decision (if they’re still young), and still seeing her at family events it will be important to always be kind, friendly, and genuinely wish her the best. If her children are grown, maintain the relationship with them, but never discuss your friendship with their mom, don’t press them for details, just enjoy them for who they are. I’m so sorry. ❤️

Thank you for this. I’ve been holding on to hope that my best friend will come back (she did for a moment then left again) and things could go back to the way they were, but I realized that I need to truly mourn the friendship because even if she does come back it will never be the same. It’s sad but I need to accept it instead of continuing to get my hopes up and trying to force things only to get let down and be crushed all over again…

A very helpful article. I have been going through the death of a close friendship with another woman. She is still alive and is in the same church community. It ended through an emotional blow up including the expression of repressed hurt feelings by the other person. I can accept some responsibility and can forgive (with the other person well in the silence of my heart but I can’t go back to the same type of sharing.

Joy again. I meant to say I could wish her will within the silence of my heart. She was my best friend. We mix within the same community and circle of friends. It is not dissimilar to the end of a relationship within a family where no one is leaving and each will have to face the other. Even social media is an issue. My former best friend likes the posts of other common friends but doesn’t like mine. I took the step of posting to others except her so that I don’t have to experience this rejection each time I post. However, I will still see her like the posts of others. I can’t really cut myself off from everyone else though.

That’s so hard, I’m so sorry. Do you have the option to “mute” her on social media or unfollow for a bit while your heart heals? Seeing that is so painful.

Thanks Jen I have been able to mute visibility of the person on Facebook without unfriending them. I can change this back if I want to. I think this meets my needs without unduly upsetting the other person more than necessary.

I made a best friend who i nicknamed Bee. It was an online friendship that I seriously considered would be a lifetime real friendship. I told Bee things no one else ever knew about and she told me things about herself I knew no one else knew. It was only a year, compared to everyone elses very long friendships, but I poured my entire heart and soul into the friendship. One day she blew up and said I was laying too many of my problems on her to fix, called me a bunch of horrible names. I said my points with kindness and sadness. I told her I would fix my mental state and work towards building our friendship. She ended it. Her friend decided to tell me she was relieved she didn’t have to speak to me anymore. I’ve been trying to ignore the anxiety but reading this made me cry. She’s not coming back, and it hurts.

Oh, Flower, I am so sorry. That is so painful and sad!

30 years of friendship. It’s gone. Eleven years later I still mourn that loss. But it is what it is and I have no control over it. But it still hurts.

Jen this was a very heartfelt post and helps look back on many years and many friends. My thoughts are how blessed I am by my children’s good friends, also how I have been shaken by their loss. On the bright side is a lunch at Babes with you and my beautiful girl❣️

RIP my sweet-heart. I’ll miss you!!! These points have helped me a lot!!!

I find myself needing to come back to this article over and over. A close friendship of 16 years ended 6 months ago, but contact continued. It grew increasingly negative and cold with time. I’m so nervous about potentially seeing her at a party I’m hosting at the house of a mutual friend this weekend. Even though I know I’ll be surrounded by a ton of people who love and have supported me through all this, I’m still sick with fear and missing my friend.

Goodness, C, I am so sorry. I hope the party goes well and you are OVERWHELMED with love and happy memories from everyone else there. ❤️

I lost my best friend days after my second child was born. I felt her slipping away in the months leading up to my daughter’s birth, and when I didn’t hear from her until days after with a generic “that’s good” text. I was disappointed, and told her as much, that as my best friend, I would of expected to hear from her sooner with more enthusiasm. I saw it as a fight, she saw it as an opportunity out. After weeks of ignoring phone calls, texts, Facebook Messages, anyway to communicate, she sent me an email with the subject line “Goodbye:” She told me how I was ‘too needy’, and that she needed friends that were going in the same life direction as her. I truly felt so alone and abandoned. Now, nearly a year later, I’m still raw, and after repressing it for months with denial and anger, I have found out she is pregnant. I hope to find closure and peace with the advice from this article. I am still filled with anger and bitter, and yet I miss her so much.

Oh, Jillian. I am so sorry.

This resonates with me so much! When there’s nothing you’ve done “wrong” it’s hard to wrap your head around the why. It’s been 3 years (or is it 4?) for me since my best friend said her goodbye to me, and it still hurts. I don’t know how long it will take to heal, and I can’t help but hold onto hope that someday she will come to her senses, and reach out to me again. That’s probably not healthy, but I can’t help it. Even though she has hurt me deeply, I desperately want to have her friendship again. Every time something big happens in my life, she’s the first person I think of…..that I want to tell….and then I remember. I wish I had some words of advice for you, but I’m afraid I’m still just as lost as I was when she left. I can say though, that I understand what you are going through, and I feel for you. I hope that you are able to heal and move on from this. Lots of hugs and love.

This. I was the one who broke off the relationship because it had grown toxic over time and she no longer was the person I thought she was. But it still hurts. We were friends for so long, on and off. Sometimes, though, you have to let go.

I haven’t been letting myself grieve, which I think might be a mistake. I mean, I miss her. I guess part of me will always miss her. We had a lot of good times. It just sucks.

This is the situation I’m in. I initiated the breakup since we became toxic to each other and I saw that she began to dislike me. I had to do what was necessary after she did an unforgivable thing. Buy now after ending a 15 year friendship, the anger is gone and it’s just left a gapping hole . At 41 im not going to find or look for another female to get that that closen. I’m lonely as can be but suffer thru it daily, trying to fight depression. Even when I know I did the right safe thing, that she really wanted. Dosent make it any easier when you loose family.

Thank you so much for writing this. I do apologize that the grief is very fresh for me. But you showed me the path forward.

The sad thing is I let things get so sideways in my marriage that I took it out on my friend. Then he said I wasn’t even the same person anymore and pinned it all on her.

I feel like a baby compared to these other folks. I only knew him for 7 years. And I will try to remember the good times, but it is so painful now. I let contempt threaten two relationships and now I can only save one.

Thank you again for helping. It helps me remember that this is not something that is unique to human history and I’ll figure it out eventually.

Man Im in the same position. My best buddy was having issues at home and I supported him the best I could. When things turned around for them I would appear I was the sacrifice and somehow part of the issue. Only knew the guy for 3 years but we became best buds quickly. Google ” Grieving the Loss of a Friendship”. Its a real thing and made me feel a little better knowing I was not crazy to feel that way

This is what I needed to read. My best friend (a widow at 25) is about to get remarried (to a widower). He is great for her and I know she loves him, but I was really holding out hope that she would meet someone who would love who she loves and want to be apart of who she was before him. Very sadly, I am feeling that this is not going to happen and I am broken.

I wish I had seen this sooner. For a year, I have held onto the terrible ending in hopes that it would make me miss the friendship less. I have not allowed myself to remember the good memories. I think I see now that that is not productive and won’t help me heal.

This was so very helpful. I miss her so much but it’s been years and like you wrote I can’t make her realize what she lost. I deleted her contact information- that was very very helpful. I think she’s deleted Maine anyway. This read was what I needed. I’ll move on. I was wronged but life moved on. Justice may be elusive but I can’t keep waiting. Thanks for this – grieve, own my piece, wish them well and move forward.

This is beautiful. And sad. And just what I was looking for today. How wonderful that as humans we are never truly alone in any of our experiences?

Thank you. So happy to have stubbled across your blog today.

Thank you for writing this . I didn’t really realize how Common these heart breaks are… to everyone here I am so sorry for your loss . My heart hurts like I can’t breath… and it does come in waves. It’s been 1 1/2 years since we talked . Doesn’t seem possible. We were best friends for 25 years . 💔 I would have never quit on you kel… I don’t understand!!

Reading these words was both hard and needed at the same time. I lost my friend of 20 years last year and the friendship of many of my family members (due to a death that caused a family rift) within 3 months of each other. After, being sad and angry at her seemingly effortless way of moving on, I’ve been searching for answers and help. I’ve never felt this kind of pain before. And, I have a great life so I am constantly mad at myself for being so sad and unhappy. Thank you for these words. I am sure I will be reading them over and over again, now.

I miss my friend everyday I loved her so much. Grieving of a friendship is real it hurts and it’s getting mistaken for a mental illness that it isn’t.

I recently chose to walk away from a 17-year friendship because I learned of lies and manipulation on her part, some of which spanned the entire friendship. Through counseling and self-reflection, I’ve realized that, at times, her treatment of me was a form of emotional abuse – to the point I have alienated myself from other friends and family, as well as avoided opportunities to make new friends or take risks that would lead to personal growth. This article is the only one on this topic (there are more out there now) that is so eloquent at describing the gut-wrenching pain and engulfing sadness that can take you by surprise. Or how the void of your secret-sharer leaves you eager to tell a non-existent person exciting, scandalous, or bad news, ripping the hole in your heart just a little more at a time. Strangely, thank you. Although I’m sad to know there are so many more people who have felt this pain, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Truly. As suggested, I’ve owned my part in how it came to this end. I look forward to the passing of more time so I can look on the memories more fondly, versus picking each apart for some sign I should have recognized as a red flag for what was to come.

I don’t know how long ago you wrote this Jen, but I hope I can still express my appreciation for having googled this topic, and then being led to your excellent writing. It is just what I needed. I am a 68 year-old woman who recently lost a friendship of 53 years. It was because I love animals, and their welfare is my cause. I criticized her friend (who I don’t even know and never met) for engaging in an activity that I think is abusive to animals. My old friend was talking about it like it was an amusing story. She knows how I feel. Because I referred to her friend as an a-hole, I ended up having to apologize several times, even though her friend never heard it. My apology was never really accepted, and we parted permanently. I am still in shock and grief after 3 months has passed. Your words, as follows just made me sob out loud: “Got some good news to share? A secret to spill? An inside joke that you’re dying to laugh at? You turn and are left with the gaping doorway now, a giant hole. ” I always think, whenever something happens, oh wait ’till I tell Linda, but Linda is no longer in my life.

Oh, Sharon. That is HEARTBREAKING. A lifetime of friendship, it must feel like losing part of your own history. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this, and for such a reason as standing up for the innocent animals who can’t speak for themselves. Healing will come, but it will take a good, long while. Blessings, Sharon. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing. ❤️

Thank you for this! I am currently struggling with the loss of 2 friendships at the same time. To say I’m not handling it well is an understatement. This is so beautifully written and I hope will help me grieve easier.

The loss of a treasured friendship leaves a very real hole in one’s heart and in one’s psyche. The memories include those where I wish I had been more forgiving, more loving. I wish I could take back the negative feelings I harbored at times. The doubts about the authenticity of the friendship. The lingering concerns about trust. A history of deep sharing only intensifies the regret and disbelief that this beloved friend is no longer a part of my life.

Thank you so much for this wonderful article.. I have been having a very difficult time understanding why I have felt so sad, hopeless and in despair over the last few weeks in regard to the sudden distancing of my best friend. I feel better knowing that my feelings are valid and I am not the only one who is going through this sort of anguish, and that there is hope for healing in the future.. ❤️🙏

Thank You so much for this article! I have been struggling over the ending of a 30 year friendship and we have also worked together for 17 years which I believe caused the friendship to end. I cannot speak or look at her, it is hard enough having to work in the same office everyday.

Oh Mel, OMG- I can’t imagine how BEYOND struggling it must be for you to actually have to come face to face with your formerly loved, LONG TIME Friend. I had also lost someone- 2.5 years ago- with whom I had a deep friendship with for over 30 years, and it was abslutely horrible when she ‘took some space’ from me incredibly painful -for awhile at least- to just worry I might run into her in public since we live in the same city in neighborhoods that are close to eachother.! I grieved this deeply and still once in a while feel that pang of sadness & guilt. But I am not sure you can actually fully do the mourning you absolutely need to do, and have the right to do– I don’t know how long ago the ‘breakup’ occurred, if it is still fresh or not, but DO YOU have any paid time off at your job you can take? I mean, this is like emotional trauma to have to live with seeing her and I think for sure you deserve to NOT HAVE TO speak or look at her for a while at least. My heart breaks for you. We are all “lucky” to have found Jen’s insightful and passionate essay. I actually printed it out and keep it by my bedside (My present broken friendship is with someone I’d been very close to for 13 years, and happened very suddenly and explosively.. we were that rare adult friendship where you talk to eachother like, every day or every other day, and it still never gets boring. And this was a Guy Friend. Just wanted to speak up and offer you sympathy for what must be a nasty-horrible-re-hurt-ful work situation. (mine was work related also- I worked for him as an indie contractor and when the breakup occurred he ‘fired me’ as an employee ALSO.

We all have different heartfelt stories and at the core of them are the same emotions of hurt, loss, pain and overwhelming sadness. My girl best friend, twin flame, we called each other, I thought would last a lifetime. We spoke every day and were always there for each other for all of our 5 year friendship. Then she met a new guy, I was so happy for her…then she decided that we did not have so much in common anymore…from nowhere, I was heart broken when she told me that the friendship for her was not working anymore and she felt it would be best to not see me anymore…she said it has been brewing for sometime and she just did not know how to tell me…so no big argument or falling out led to our breakup…on her part just meeting a new man and a kind of moving on…I was left devasted with this big immense hole inside. I cried so much…it really felt like a death….a year later, I still think of her a lot. I can’t really hate her, she treated me badly for sure, but I suppose if she did not want to be my friend anymore what could I do? Was she truly ever a friend…It is all so strange….I do sometimes send her a message, not sure if she gets/reads it. I am not expecting a reply…I don’t ask questions, I just tell her what I’m up to, I don’t give any details…not sure why I do it…I suppose I am just trying to cling to some sort of link even if it is one sided…has anyone else done this? Maybe I don’t want to be forgotten…I just send an email then forget about it. I really don’t expect a reply. Sent her an Xmas message. She did reply. Very formal and not like her at all…but at least she did reply. I still wish her the very. best and even though she is gone from my life I feel she is in my DNA somehow. She added sparkle to my life for 5 years and for that I will always be grateful..I feel lonely sometimes, I have other friends but they are like her. We were so close. It was only when when she decided that she did not want me as a friend that I realised how much I leant on her from emotional support, like friends do. And she on me…I helped her in so many ways. Her “Dear John” note read…..”You have always been a good friend to me and you are a lovely person. However I feel that we are no longer compatable and want to move on. Wishing you all the best!!!” Five years of friendship and that is all I get as some kind of explanation why she wanted to ditch our friendship! I really miss her and sometimes it feels like an ache and tears come to my eyes. I refuse to fill that void with hate and “hard done by me” feelings. So I leave it empty and hope that the space in time will be filled with something positive and beautiful.

Omg. What was your reply to this? I’m wondering if she has extremely conflicting views? (ie. religous, etc). Maybe she didn’t agree with something very strong politically that you supported or didn’t support? Very weird message. And also hurtful because it seems like she was only using you until a man came into her life!?

Unbelievably perfect article. 18 years fading away fast. Your beautiful writing is everything I want to say. Thank you.

I know a lot of people have already told you this.. But i need to say it myself : Thank you so much for compiling ypur knowledge and wisdom and writing this. It made me feel less alone. I am young, 21 yrs, and I lost two friendships of 3 years in the same time. May not seem like much.. But i have clinical depression and anxiety. And these two have been my first real friends since i was born.. Before them i struggled with excruciating loneliness for as far as i remember.. And after i lost them I found myself completely alone.. I got used to being in good company with them all the time, and so, all this being taken away from me all of a sudden.. ugh.. I understand better times are ahead. But until then, i am living hell itself.. I don’t even have anyone to share my thoughts and pains with. So, your words made me feel less alone.. Thank you..

Jen, I am a singer/songwriter who is morning the lost a 3 year friendship. I was really moved and inspired by your writing and was wondering if I could use your words in a song?

I love this idea! I’m not sure if there’s something I need to do, officially, but I’d love to hear it when you’re done!

I lost a 40 year friend 1.5 years ago. It had been coming. The signs were there – busy everytime I invited her to do something or she simply would email me and say “no thanks.” I asked what was wrong repeatedly to which she always replied, via email since it’s easier than saying it in person, “nothing is wrong” which I accepted for a long time until the reality finally struck me when my Dad died. I called her to let her know. I once again begged profusely for forgiveness for anything I ever did to offend or hurt her in any way. She wouldn’t open up. I asked, pathetically, if this means she doesnt want to be friends anymore. Uncomfortably, she replied: “People change. People go in different directions. We’ll get together SOME TIME, which NEVER happened. She never even called to see how the funeral went or how I was handling the devastating loss of my Father. It was like dealing with 2 deaths! I emailed her a year later to extend the olive branch ONCE AGAIN. ONCE AGAIN, I apologized profusely and said I wished her well. In reply, I received 6 words: “no worries, best to you too.” It’s still very hard and I miss her terribly. My advice: PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Keep busy. Try to be a blessing to someone who needs it until your blessing comes. God hears ALL prayers and will help YOU. I feel for all of you as I do for myself. The loss and personal devastation is incalculable. Be good and kind to yourself. Time will heal your wounds and mine. I will be praying for all of you as I continue to pray for myself. It’s a rough road, but we will know peace again. I so wish I knew the reason for all of this. I would NEVER have done this to her for ANY reason.

That is so heartbreaking, I’m so very sorry!!!

It took several years for me to fully recover from the loss of an important 20-year friendship. I clung to the feeling she had deeply wronged me and even rebuffed her early and short-lived attempts to resume the friendship. I eventually realized the ways I had contributed to the rift, then turned all that anger and remorse back on myself. Time and life has a way of softening us, however, and I ultimately forgave both myself and her. Yes, we both f’ed up and something beautiful died as a result. It was sad, and I accepted it. I am now more gentle and responsible with new friendships, and treasure old friends more than ever. That was the enduring silver lining of this friendship’s end.

That sounds hopeful because I still hurt hugely from a friendship loss.

friendship of 23 years gone in a flash, from my own blunt, callous stupidity. i’ve never wished my best friend or his wife anything but the best & that’ll never change, but i have nobody to be mad at but myself. we were never actually related, but we were always there for each other & he was more than a brother to me, through my entire military career that took me all over the world with good friends who came & went fairly regularly, the death of my actual brother, the end of my failed marriage that lasted entirely too long, & even through the rest of my blood relatives abandoning me over the years. i’ve never felt more alone, even with the largely solitary life i’ve led, but the hundreds of miles physical distance should at least help some with the healing process as i find my new normal.

I’m in a similar situation. It’s unbelievable how hard it is.

I caused the end of an extremely precious friendship because of an awful betrayal which has been irreparable. I struggle with what I did every single day and am in deep grief over the loss of this person. I would do anything to be able to try to repair the relationship but I don’t think she will want to have any contact with me know. I suppose I just wanted to say that some of us who have let down friends and caused tremendous grief and pain do also suffer very much with the loss, especially in the knowledge that we are the cause and that we can’t heal the hurt from our mistakes. I don’t know how to move on from this. It has been several years now.

You could write a letter of apology in which you accept your role in the friendship’s end (as you do in your post), and say how sorry you are things ended the way you did. You do NOT ask to resume the friendship, and you make it clear there’s no need to respond. Then sit on your letter for several days and consider carefully whether the point of sending it is to make YOU feel better or him/her feel better. If you believe the other person still feels wronged and would be soothed by your overture, even months later, then go ahead and send the letter. Making sincere amends to those we have hurt heals us as well as them.

Wow this totally resonated with me. Thx. Grieving the list of my ONLY best friend of 35 years. I tho it this was the one enduring friendship I would be lucky to have my entire life. But it’s not to be. The tragedy of her cancer divorce and messed up kids and life have taken their toll ADN she is no Ofer the same person I loved and felt care for by. That’s fine. In its place is a bitter sad angry person impossible to be around though J have truly tried. I just can’t do it anymore. Feeling lots of guilt over it and she is sure as heck mad at me for “giving up on he as I go away to heal what’s been pretty toxic for me.

I love how this is written, thank you I needed, I’m currently a University student at 22 years old. I’m a man, and as a man it’s harder to be honest with my emotions because men are taught to suppress it and “be like a man” and move forward. My best friend is a girl, we were inseparable. We were both together in the yearbook when we went to the same high school, she and I won the “most likely to brighten your day” award for the seniors, and we had a picture of the two of us hugging. We danced at prom together and we graduated high school together and went for walks on the park together. I was so happy when I found out we were going to the same University together, what I didn’t realize though is that even though we went at the same place I thought it would be easier to see each other, it wasn’t we got busier and now she’s so busy she doesn’t even answer my texts or greet me like she used to. I took it as a sign that we grew apart, I tried not to cry but I did, I miss her so much, she misses me, earlier today when I was alone at school when no one was looking I weeped. My best friend’s hugs could take away my temper and soften my heart she was the sweetest thing I’ve met. It’s hard as a man, because I’m told I’m supposed to man up, and just let it go but letting go hurts, I feel hurt. It’s even harder for me being shy I dread making new friends because it’s hard the idea of me making first move to anyone terrifies me. So this friendship was worth it and it didn’t came easy for me. I miss her so much I love her she loves me and we hug each other every time we see each other, her hugs make me happy. She is my best friend forever, my bestie in my heart. I’ll never forget what she did for me and how she introduced me to Jesus I’ll never forget her, I just hope to see her again soon if we can somehow find the time. I love her so much, but for now I got a slow and painful process grieving and healing to get through to fully recover over time.

– Randy

My husband and I have been friends with another couple for going on 20 years. This couple has been like family for us, our best friends. Our kids were raised together and call each other cousins….their granddaughter calls us “Aunt and Uncle.” About 5 years ago, he cheated, badly…and she left him. They eventually decided to work it out, but needed some help getting back on their feet. So, we let them live with us for about 6 months. No bills, no nothing. It was no problem, and went very smoothly. Fast forward, and we’ve all moved to another side of town, but we still live very near each other…and we are still very close. Suddenly, she starts acting really strange and has a bit of a “relapse” of anger…and leaves him…it culminates in a lot of relationship drama for them. And they both start acting weird with us. We have told them over and over again that we love them…but they both started taking advantage of us, and lying about stuff. Then, went so far as to borrow (more) money. All of a sudden, they just stopped talking to us. We know that they’re back together, because of the gossips in the area. I’ve tried to reach out several times, only to get really crappy responses. The final straw was this weekend…the husband was just downright rude in a text. Like…how did WE become the villains in their lives? I sent a heartfelt text (because they won’t answer their phones) – and it’s just like they’ve ghosted both of us. It’s all still so fresh, that I vacillate between sadness and anger. I feel like we deserve to be told something. This ghosting thing is just so ugly and hateful.

I cannot imagine how confusing and painful that is! I’m so very sorry!!

It hurts so much to be treated like this I know. I hope you can find peace with the hurt. Good luck

Thank you so much for this. Two days ago a big betrayal came out and amongst other things pushing us apart over the past two years I feel that a 16 year friendship is over. Your article is very wise and comforting and I was concerned about losing such a long friendship but after reading your article and seeing such lengthy losses in the comments I feel more comfortable that it’s the right decision and it’s the quality of the friendship as opposed to the length that counts. I also feel a lot less alone in losing such a lengthy friendship but as your article states no one is immune. I will be sure to revisit the article as my grief journey continues.

Thank you so much for this. I’m still young and the friendship is only 5 years old but I couldn’t tell myself why it felt like I was grieving..the end to the friendship was sudden and based on her boyfriend not liking me (after I supported a decision she made to spite him) so he suggested her and I keep a “professional relationship only.” I had to keep telling myself it was not me. It’s only been a couple days but I’m tired of being sad and tired…above all we still work together so I will still have to see her and work alongside her so I feel like I don’t get closure and I’m still holding out for our friendship to fix itself when he’s done being upset with me but…I’m not sure I want the friendship anymore.

Oh my goodness, what a difficult situation!

Your situation sounds similar to mine. My ex-friend ended our friendship with no explanation after she got back with her former partner. He’s very possessive and I can’t believe she went back after the trouble she went to to leave. But I would have supported her given the chance. I think he’s turned her against me even though I’ve never met him. I miss her dearly but not sure I want the friendship anymore either because of the revolting messages he’s been sending me. I don’t want that in my life. She and I have to work together too so it’s hard to move on and accept she’d end it like this without the decency of a proper explanation.

The hard thing is, my friend, “Lucille,” is the person I would have been talking to about this very situation, because I was so accustomed to telling her everything and now that I can’t tell her this, I find I’m having to do what I used to do–>write things down. Still, I am bothered by thinking about her even when I don’t want to be thinking about her. I had a lot of feelings of sadness before too, when she pulled away the first time but now I’m feeling more anger because I KNOW she would know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that pulling away when my mother died would be profoundly hurtful. (Justine or Jen, please clarify if I’m typing this response just to Justine now, which is my intention. Thanks). Julia

I know that feeling all too well. Had a friend drop out of my life multiple times and she was the person I talked to about everything so I had to write my feelings down and couldn’t stop thinking about her. She eventually came back AGAIN and I let her but it’s not the same, can’t talk to her about anything and I don’t really consider her a friend anymore. Anyway, I’m so sorry you’ve had to experience that, I know how painful it is and no one deserves that, just know that time will heal your wounds even if that feels impossible now. Also my name is also Julia 🙂

dear julia,

also sorry for the suffering you’ve had to endure. I am quite a merciful person to anyone who apologizes to me and have renewed some lost friendships over the years but I don’t think this one is ever coming back because I never knew her to be much of a merciful person in that way, and she changed so much that I could hardly recognize the person I’d known previously. It’s still so hard to understand and I am working to accept that it will never fully make sense to me. at least I know that I tried really really hard to be a good friend. I wish I could take a pill that would allow me to stop thinking about her when I don’t want her in my head.

Thank you, and yes losing a close friend is so hard to process. No one expects friendships to end so suddenly. Unfortunately there is no way to get them off our minds but as much as it doesn’t seem like it and no one really likes to hear it, time does help. It eases that deep ache and old memories get replaced by new ones. It is so hard, so so hard and sadly the only way through is to feel that pain for as long as it takes for it to subside. Best of wishes to you, I hope that you are able to form new friendships with people you can rely on and treat you right. Sending you peace and love – julia

Most definitely. It’s been 2 months since we’ve spoken and she’s gone out of her way to not be in the office while I’m there. (She’s also my supervisor). It’s still hard because she will use old nicknames during meetings but then go back to being strictly professional. Everyone at work knew us as very close so it’s raised a lot of questions. Her emotionally abusive bf cut her off social media as well so I can’t stalk either…probably for the best.

I have been struggling for almost a year with losing a friendship. I haven’t for reasons unknown stopped grieving. At the most absurd times, I remember that – “Oh XYZ would have loved this and got the joke and laughed so hard at it.” I can’t seem to get across to anyone on why it hurts so much to lose a friend vs losing a partner ( much support received here) or losing to death a loved one (lots of support here too). When I say I’m hurt and grieving for losing this friend, all is get is odd and/or awkward stares and the proverbial absent minded pat on the head/back.

What you’ve written (so very well) really touched a chord in me and I finally feel understood and that I’m not ridiculous to feel this intense pain at the loss. I’m so tempted from time to time to restart the friendship but I know it will be intensely sticky and awkward as families will get hurt despite this being a wholly platonic friendship between 2 people of the opposite sex who saw the other as a person who got the other person’s ridiculous sense of humour/train of thought/philosophy and didn’t need a response for everything communicated.

Thank you for writing this. This will help me let go of the pain and move on.

A beautifully written article. I have lost my best friend of 38 years. My heart is broken. Hers probably is, too. Truly, no apology could change the finality. It would never be the same. Still, my heart is broken in half. I will love and miss her forever.

Kathy….I’m so sorry that this long relationship ended and in a negative way. Like you, I will always love my friend no matter what. Maybe the fond memories of your life experiences together will help carry you through and with time the pain of that void will lessen. Thinking of you! Sarah

My relationship of nearly two decades with my best friend was also lost to me recently, coincidentally at the same time my mother died. These two events were in fact related. I believed our friendship was sacred. I told my best friend everything, believed we could survive anything. I thanked God for our relationship. After a period of unusual behavior on my friend’s part, I later learned she’d kept a secret from me all these years when, late in life, she made a decision to revisit an extra-marital affair from her youth. This affair was with a man she referred to as narcissistic. That fateful choice resulted in terrible destructive chaos for my friend and ultimately contributed mightily to the end of our friendship. I had a particularly empathy for my friend in this regard and aimed to be supportive because years before, I had a relationship with a similar narcissistic character before knowing my friend. Her relationship with this man chewed up and spat out a beaten up version of my friend. She became utterly obsessed with this relationship. Her life revolved around the relationship, her pain and her therapy over the pain. Twice over a year, she put me “on hold” due to misperceived messages on my part, saying she needed to process her feelings. I had no idea whether she was ever coming back and I went through much more grief than she ever understood. I begged her the first time to return to our sacred friendship. Over time, she became hyper-focused on her body, lost far too much weight, and finally became paranoid and unreachable, even as I tried to offer support I would have wanted in such a position. At other times she thanked me for the support and told me she didn’t know how she could do this without me. When my mother died, my friend knew I wanted her support, not only because that is natural but because I had told this in advance. Instead of being there for me, her preoccupation with the relationship, her wounds, her therapy, reigned high when my mother died, and she put me “on hold” right then, at that crucial time, with no end in sight. , She misperceived messages I’d sent which were meant solely to be supportive and lashed out at me. There was nothing I could say to alter her sad, warped perception. I understood her pain but not her lashing out at me. Over time, I watched as my formerly very strong friend turned into a person I no longer recognized. She knew my mother and had stayed in my parents’ vacation place on a yearly basis but she didn’t even send a card when my mother died. If someone had whispered in our ears a year or so in advance of these events, neither of us would have believed it would happen! I lost my mother and at the same time, I lost my best friend. And my friend lost her former healthier self to this life-sucking relationship. Her failure to be there for me when my mother died made clear to me that I needed to say goodbye in order to mourn my mother. My friend’s departure at such a crucial time, no matter what her pain level, suggested to me she may have wanted to pass her pain on to me. She was much nicer to the man who treated her badly than she was to me. I’m still at that stage where I think of so many things I would have told her on a daily basis. Meanwhile, I also have a sense of relief to be removed because the dance with my friend had begun to make me sick in my stomach. That was my warning in advance.

Thanks so much for this. I’ve recently lost a very close friend due to her reunion with a possessive partner. She cut me off before I found out they’d reunited and I had no idea why. I’m very lost and find the tears creep up on me when I least expect it and just when I think I have a handle on things. She’s left a big hole and perhaps the worst part is I still have to work with her and it’s not helping me move on. So thanks so much for your post. It’s nice to know I’m not alone in my grief.

It’s tough when you work together. I have the option to work remotely so do that a lot now to avoid seeing her. I find I can deal with it much better from a distance. She gave me a birthday present recently and it stirred things up for me again. I was angry- if she doesn’t want to be friends any longer I’d prefer her to just leave me alone outside work. It’s six months since we saw each other socially and not getting any easier yet.

I hope things will for you with time.

This is the first year I didn’t wish her happy birthday in 26 years, because I have to let go and accept the loss Thank you for this thoughtful and heartfelt post. I’m mourning today, it’s been years since the loss…but on certain days it hurts more. It hurts more than a death.

I know how you feel. I’ve lost one of my friendship groups and it just feels like a death.

I am devastated. My best friend, my soul mate, my go to gal pal in times of angst and troubles does not want to be friends anymore. We were friends for five years. Speaking almost daily, messaging and hanging out for coffees. She sustained me emotionally and was always there for me. Also I was their for her too! I miss everything, and it has only been two days! I wonder how I will fill the void that I feel. It feels so heavy and full of pain. The worst thing is that she will continue with her life and I will never know what has happened to her. I will never know if she is ok and what she is doing…that is the worst part….she has met a new boyfriend and now feels are friendship is no long tenable!!! She sent me a text, thanking for the our friendship and telling me what a good friend I had been to her….!!!Presently I feel bitter….Such a good friend to her…but she does not want to continue our friendship…..She has a new man in her life….and I am left with a blank, vast, deep, cold void….I hope I will heal. It is just so painful the thought of never knowing how she is doing and wondering if she is OK….that part is just so hard to bear.

Thank you for this article, I’m finding it hard that my close friendship has come to an end. I was recently in hospital with a life threatening infection and needed heart surgery. My best friend came across really patronising, dismissed my emotions and treated me like a child. I felt so stressed and unable to handle her approach so I told her I felt. Instead of trying to talk to me and support me she reacted defensively and made it about her, and since then haven’t heard from her. Luckily I have amazing family, partner and other friends who supported me but the complete abandonment from someone who I considered so close still hurts. Looking back, I can see the friendship was one sided a lot of the times, and I was constantly used as an emotional dumping ground for her but I feel so sad when I remember the good times, I also felt I meant more to her, and it hurts that our friendship was dismissed so easily

Lucy—You deserve better! A real friend drops everything, especially with such a health concern. I am so glad you’re ok! 🙏

Perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise that she revealed her self-centeredness to you when you really needed her. Now you leave a space open for, perhaps, a new balanced friendship with someone more deserving of your loyalty and devotion. Life is too short. Hang on to the memories of the good times—friendship for a season and a reason. I had a similar loss without the health scare and after six months I can look back on “red flags” and one sidedness in the relationship with more clarity. I will cherish the good memories we shared and wish her the best in my heart without enduring her draining negativity, victim mentality and temper.

The best friend I (thought) I ever had betrayed me in the worst way possible. She had an affair under my nose for three years with my husband. I loved her. All the anger I have been holding onto. Angry that she came in and damaged my life and pretended to be my friend and she got to move on and get married and have a baby while I’m still back here thinking about it everyday. I think about her betrayal constantly and then I finally realized that as much as I hate her and what she did to me. I miss her, well not her but the best friend part. I’ve never been as close to anyone as I was to her and I’m angry she took that from me. I’m hoping this artical will help bring peace to my thoughts and stop the repetitive thinking of her daily and get some normalcy back! I will never ever let anyone in again😢 I feel for everyone’s comments also yours Jen

I know that my comments are coming WAY after the original posting, but having freshly suffered the loss of a friendship, this post really was wonderful for me to land on. It is beautifully written and confirms that I most definitely WILL get through the loss of a friendship I’ve had for over 30 years.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, Melanie! You absolutely *will* get through it, but MAN is it painful right now. I’m so glad you found this. Honestly – and sadly – this post remains the most frequently-visited one on the site, and there are new comments weekly from people experiencing the same loss. It’s heart-breaking to see, but also strangely comforting to know it’s not just you, you aren’t alone, it wasn’t all your fault, and there’s nothing “wrong” with you. Again, I’m so sorry for your pain. ❤️

Im getting used to moving on from deep friendships on what feels like a yearly occurrence. Ive lost all of my meaningful friendships/ childhood friendships.

All Ive got is family now and theyll be there forever. And Ive gotten used to people moving on, but the current of life constantlt culling these precious connections is hard. And its so painful to see them move on without a care in the world and to see them so happier without you.

Nobody in the state I live in gives a shit about me. Idk it sucks being so independent.

Through the years I have had friendships come and go. Some that had lasted years, some that hadn’t been very long but oh so strong. Recently I fought cancer as well as almost died on the operating table and realized how small my support circle really is. With therapy I know I have a way of doing negative thinking and massive anxiety but when I look back that was during my grieving process, not what caused the friendships to fizzle out. Do I have regrets of lost friendships, most definitely but that is something I no longer truly focus on. I look at who is here now. I learned how quickly life can almost come to an end so celebrate who is by your side now

I sorely needed this. I am still grieving the loss of a close friend. Well, I really screwed up the friendship, not her. I was really mean to her over an affair between her and another man she got me involved in and with her lack of wanting to walk things out, I just became really angry and said enough is enough. In a very toxic fashion. Now six months later, I wanted to apologize to her. Not that I believe she’ll accept it and perhaps not even see it. So, I really needed this in order to reflect and move past my mistakes. Thank you so much for posting this!

I’ve been trying to put words to what I’ve been feeling for about 8 weeks now after a friendship of almost 5 years ended. That’s not a really long time but for an adult friendship, to me it was a very long time and we were really close. I approached her about some behavior her son was exhibiting and it just went all sorts of wrong. Now I question if I should’ve even said anything. She never responded to my last email. It just ended . So thank you for helping me to feel like this grief I feel is normal because it’s really kicked my butt.

I am mourning the loss of a 33 year friendship that I thought would always be there. I’m devastated by it.

Cara I am so very sorry you have to endure such a loss and join this club of so many of us experiencing the same! My friendship was 45 years. We met in 7th grade and are now 60. Her and her family were my family, including being a Godmother to her daughter. I lost them all…I feel like 2/3 of my life is gone. I cried when I woke, all day, and at night in bed. It is devastating. It has been about 1 year since I’ve seen her. I want you to know… it’s going to get easier with each day. You will have a memory pop in to your head (I’m not sure what your situation was) and start realizing things were fading for awhile. You will begin to realize that it is absolutely your ex friends loss and you will meet others that respect you perhaps far more than what you may have been getting back from your friend. I promise you this…it will get easier and better…and you will move on to have an awesome life….whatever it has in store for you!!!! Hang in there and know it is absolutely okay to mourn and be hurt for as long as you need to! 💖

Thanks, Keely. I considered him my “first real boyfriend” and we’ve known each other since I was 15 (now 48). I became friends with his wife and he became friends with my husband. He was always someone I could turn to…. it’s truly been devastating to me.

about 18 months ago, my daughter was having issues at school. Both of my kids work in tv/film and were missing quite a bit of school. Her teacher that year was very, very NOT understanding. He could not fathom all that she was learning while working on set. So, after that, I asked my kids if they would prefer to do home-learning. My daughter at the time was suffering severe anxiety every time she had to go to school because she was not sure how the teacher was going to react to her being there. She jumped at the chance. I posted on social media asking for my friends’ thoughts and suggestions. My best friend sent me a private message saying that I would cause my kids to become “social re****s” . I had a visceral reaction to his words. And responded in shock. I mean, he knows my kids (they are actually teens). I found his words incredibly disrespectful. He could have simply asked me about socialization etc, but instead he attacked using horrific words (didn’t seem like him at all).

Anyway, I told him he was entitled to his opinion. He said I was being patronizing and condescending and pretty much that was the end of the friendship. I’m still in shock. I can’t believe that he was willing to cut off a friendship of more than 3 decades because I decided to homeschool my kids! (Actually, to be accurate, they are still enrolled in school and I have to report to a certified/qualified teacher weekly, but he didn’t stick around long enough to ask for information, he just jumped to conclusions with zero regard for me or my situation.)

I keep telling myself that it’s his loss, but the problem is, it’s not. It’s also my loss, my kids’ loss (no more Uncle) and my husband’s loss. We all lost out.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know all too well what it feels like to be attacked by your best friend, enough so that it ends the friendship. My opinion: there is always…ALWAYS something deeper. It’s never just the incident you think it is. I wonder why he would do that, especially out of character. Any ways I know it’s shocking. I’m finally out of shock and it’s been nearly 2 years. I still cannot believe it’s been that long. My best friend was toxic. After a long time I came to realize that. I thought it was the incident for so long, then I realized there was a whole lot more to it. There always is. Anyways good luck. I don’t think time will ever heal this kind of thing, I still feel like a limb has been chopped off, but I’m still alive and doing the best I can and I’m proud of myself for sticking my ground, so you should be too. You were only doing the best for your kids. School is so corrupt in so many ways. It’s good they’re getting that skill and fulfilling their passion, you did the right thing and he was wrong not to support it.

Yes, I agree, I think there is definitely more to it but I cannot fathom what it is. He has no interest in even trying to sort it out. Which is interesting because I’m the one who felt attacked. Anyway, if I continue to dwell on it all, I will only drive myself crazy. I’ve been suffering rather severe anxiety since it happened and I have to try to take care of my family and not give this situation more oxygen.

Thanks for your understanding. And yes, it feels like I’m missing a limb.

Thank you so much for sharing this, Jen. I’m grieving the loss of two friendships at once. Your line about weddings and babies being the sieves which not everyone makes it though was especially profound. I’m 27 years old and recently married. I asked two close friends to be in my bridal party. We had a longer engagement, lasting almost 2 years. I came to regret my decision, feeling like these friends were absent from much of the conservations and planning we would have as a bridal party. When it came time to organize a date for my bachelorette party, they tried to blame my best friend, my MOH for somehow being responsible for not including them more. I felt beside myself. My best friend was astonished at how unhelpful they were and this caused me a great deal of stress and hurt. The one friend was so upset with me, because I wouldn’t allow her to dye her hair bright red for my wedding. First she asked about having pink hair, then bright red. She claimed she had undergone a great deal of change in the last year, and wanted to honour those changes. I tried asking her to clarify why she felt so compelled to colour her hair, but she wouldn’t explain further. It felt like she wanted to be the star of the show. I was upset by this. I tried explaining what with so many changes in planning a wedding during a pandemic, there was a specific look I was trying to achieve, and that I would appreciate her having her natural hair colour. Perhaps I was wrong to do this, and I’ll admit that. I wanted our wedding day to be ideal. Having one out of 6 bridesmaids with bright red hair didn’t seem appropriate to me. I would personally never do that to a friend if I were in their bridal party. She was aware she’d be in our wedding for the last 2 years.

They weren’t entirely terrible. They did give a gift at my bachelorette and at our wedding. For the most part, I didn’t feel like I was a priority to them. I felt they didn’t want to be part of the bridal party. The other friend abruptly left the bridesmaid group chat, without any explanation whatsoever. Each of my bridesmaids lived in different cities, making it necessary to have a group chat online. At one point, I gave both of these friends a chance to attend as guests instead. I knew they were having difficulties themselves and didn’t want to burden them further. I wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. They both decided to remain bridesmaids anyway. Our wedding went off without a hitch. Literally, it was truly uncanny and I was steeling myself for the moment either of them to do something awful. It was like a fairytale.

The wedding has come and passed now. I have pulled back a lot, limiting contact from both people. I hope in time I can get over this. It’s one thing to grieve the loss of one friend, but two at once is a lot to bear.

Hey, I just wanted to reach out because my best friend and I fell out over the wedding as well. Being on the other side of it, I don’t think it was right of you to dictate their hair colour, that’s kind of controlling. Plus if a bright colour is what they wanted then that’s who they are and I’m sure you must have known this? Anyways, I know you already said you maybe shouldn’t have done that but I just wanted to confirm it. Can I ask what happened at the wedding? Sounds very similar to my story.

Almost 3 years ago my friend (or sister as I claimed her) of 22 years and I had a bit of a misunderstanding of sorts and it left me hurt. We never recovered from it though I tried reaching out dozens of times and she never responded. I tried for a whole year and was rejected each time. I felt like someone took a dagger to my heart. I never could explain what losing a friendship like ours felt like and this article hit the nail on the head. Most times I am ok but days like this I am crying my heart out. One day or one year at a time I guess.

Sounds very similar to mine. It’s heartbreaking. What happened if I may ask?

About 5 mths before, my ex-BF got invited to a wedding in Miami and another mutual friend said, why don’t we make it a girl’s trip as well. It didn’t pan out at first but about a month before I happened to find out that they did in fact organize a bit of a girls weekend and nobody told me or invited me.

Wow! So many others going through a similar situation. I can feel the heartbreak as a scroll through the comments. I’ve lost a few long term friendships over the last few years. Cleaning house as you might say. Do I expect too much?? Perhaps. But i am a giving person and I expect the same. Maybe that’s the problem? This last one though really hurts. We were the best of pals. Maybe I sabotaged it? I’m hurt, confused and very sad.

This article and all the comments were very comforting. My ex-boyfriend was also my best friend. We lived together for five years and then went on to keep our friendship for two more. When I finally started dating someone else, my ex couldn’t deal with it and we ended the friendship. While I have fully mourned the romantic relationship, I’m finding the loss of the friendship incredibly difficult. It’s been six months and I’m just now realizing how overwhelmingly sad I am. Like, bouts of depression level sad. I feel like a family member died. I’m not sure how to get over it, but I’m trying.

Sorry to hear of this, it is definitely a loss. Also, I don’t think we ever really get over it but learn to accept what has happened and move past it. Mine happened 3 years ago and I still have moments where it hits me hard. I live in a small country where everyone, knows everyone and we have the same friends… so at times it is very awkward. Hope you feel better soon xo

To everyone here…the loss of my 38 year friendship is now six months. I posted here when looking for ways to cope. The last few months have helped heal a giant hole in my heart. We have not spoken since then, and I don’t expect we ever will. I didn’t just lose her, I lost her whole family. BUT she lost us too. Keep that in mind as you heal. Today will be difficult for me, as Christmas Eve was always a huge part of our friendship. But tomorrow will come and the good memories of the past will still be there. Take care and know that the hurt eases with time and the tears don’t come as often. There is some truth in the old saying that Time Heals All Wounds.

Thank you. I veer between “I’m ok. All will be ok. Life will go on.” and utter devastation.

Your words five me hope. xoxo

I needed this right now. I’ve had the same best friend for 37 years. We come from very different backgrounds – mine was blue collar, middle class, older parents, largely democratic. Hers was white collar, wealthy, average age parents, republican. We knew our differences our entire lives, and they never affected our friendship. We never let them. We were connected by so many deeper things- life, death, love, marriage, divorce, everything. The ties that bind us go back decades and I thought they were strong. Until her adult daughter attacked me for differing political views. When I refused to engage, telling her I loved her too much, she came at me harder. I still didn’t engage, just told her I loved her even after being called a hypocrite, having my faith questioned, and more. I never told my friend about the situation – her daughter is a grown woman who makes her own choices. And I didn’t/don’t want my friend in the middle. But I’m assuming she got drug into it because she has become a ghost. Ignored calls, vague responses, etc. I’m sure she feels stuck, but I never thought anything could divide us at this point. If the situation were reversed, I too would have to say “family first” – that is one thing we were both raised with. But I’m heartbroken that we were even put in this position, and that it’s come to this. There are no words for the void she leaves behind. It’s as painful as a death.

I understand completely. As I wrote previously, my friendship ended not because of political differences (we are on the same page politically), but because I decided to have my kids start home-learning instead of attending public school. I did it because my kids work (in film and tv) and it is their passion. They’ve never had a passion before, but this has been 3 years going strong, so I offered to enroll them in a distance learning programme and the two kids jumped at it. My closest friend, the one I thought would be my rock through everything sent me devastating messages telling me that I would cause my kids to be “social re****s”. I was devastated and had a gutteral reaction to his choice of words. I never thought a friendship of 33 years would end because my kids wanted to learn at home so they could focus on acting and music more. I mean, my decision has less than zero effect on my friend or his family, right?

Anyway, I’m trying to get over it…. but I don’t know if I’ll ever get over it.

Hugs to you. I know exactly how you feel. xoxo

Hi, came across this article during one of my 3am crying sessions.

Loosing my best friend/honorary sister of almost 3 years is painful. Really never thought this will happen to us, I tried to communicate and was willing to work on our friendship, even admitting that I also made mistakes.

It just hurts that she was not willing to fight for our friendship, feels like I valued our friendship more and that I cared more.

I hope this pain and emptiness goes away someday.

I wish I had come across this article and all the responses eight years ago when I suddenly lost a friend I thought I would have for life. For years we had gone running together every weekend, shared our greatest secrets and done lots of wonderful adventurous things together. We seemed to share a similar outlook on life and, as we both had four young children, were going through the same kind of family experiences and traumas. I treasured our friendship. When life in general was pretty difficult, the friendship became very special and important to me. Then, out of the blue, she suddenly became cold and distant with me – sending me a hurtful text and then making excuses not to meet up with me. I was devastated. I told her so and she sort of seemed to understand, but she was clearly no longer committed to our friendship. The weekly runs stopped and she only occasionally responded to my texts. For ages I clung to the hope that she would suddenly ‘see the light’and come back to me full of explanations and apologies but this never happened. It affected me emotionally and physically in a profound way. I just couldn’t believe that she could just give up on me like that. It went against my deepest notion of what a true friendship should be. But slowly things did get better. The stretches in time when I wasn’t thinking about her became longer and there were more and more days when I didn’t cry. I made new friends (including someone who turned out had gone through a similar experience with the same friend years before!). Now, eight years on, I rarely think about her and the deep sadness has gone. I just think that something healthy happened and my mind and body just said ‘that’s the end of it…we’ve had enough of being sad’. I still go running a lot. Occasionally I pass my old friend walking her dog. We always say hello to each other and I sometimes think that she’d like me to stop and talk to her (she always loved to talk to people and finding out about their lives). It gives me a strange sort of satisfaction to keep on running past her and to feel that I have finally managed to leave her behind.

That is horrible. So you never found out why she suddenly stopped talking to you? I stopped talking to my best friend 2 years ago (after a 20 year friendship). She asked to speak but I refused because if I did, I would have nothing but terrible things to say. She couldn’t forgive me for that, and I always worry if I did the right thing. But she was/is extremely toxic. And anytime I tried to tell her how I felt via text she would ridicule me. It was awful, so I refused to meet her. Now struggling to think anyone knows who I am or what a good friend I am. It has physiological haunted me and I will never truly heal. I still value our memories more than anything, but she is a very selfish person and I couldn’t take it anymore.

Sarah, I guess being the dumpee and being the dumper is different. You wisely realized that your friend was being consistently mean or hurtful and just did what you felt you needed to do. I want to just say this (with NO JUDGEMENT IMPLIED okay?) When you have a serious rift with ANYONE (girl /boy-Friend, family member, bestie whatever) even when things have gone way downhill and you just can’t stand it anymore (we’ve all been there) it is important -for both sides- that you give them the chance to hear WHY it is really over for you- in other words, make a final statement even just so you will know you made a ‘clean breast’ of things and not feel bothered by guilt. She may not want to listen, may not care, etc. etc. and it is obv. beyond any ability to fix (happened long time in the past??) or mend. Texting about something very meaningful -as you said you tried to do- IMHO is NOT the best communication for this kind of deep stuff. Phoning them or sending an e-mail, that is better to make impact- then the friend isn’t just non-chalantly ignoring or deleting your serious message, casually and hurtfully to you. You said all you would do is say toxic things to her if you told her why. I get that, totally. But maybe after a month or 2 or 6 months, whatever, you’d be able to say the things she needed to hear from you AND you needed to say to her, minus the intense anger/frustration. O.K., I think you said this happened quite a while ago, so maybe it’s already gone forward too much to even bother with doing this, that’s cool. Just if it ever happens (HOPE IT DOESN”T) again, this might be a ‘thing’ for you to think about. For your peace of mind…again just sayin’ not judgin’.

Hi Nina, thanks for your comment. I didn’t leave her empty handed, she knows exactly how I felt after several very long whatsapp messages back and forth (this is the equivalent to email btw). And every time I said anything about how I felt, she just ridiculed me. So what was the point in meeting her? Or speaking to her over the phone? She was extremely mean and toxic, and quite honestly I just couldn’t bear it anymore. I tried to give her explanations – which she then just threw back at me and invalidated how I was feeling. I also told her a few times I just wasn’t ready to speak about it in person and I needed more time, her response? To tell me she was sick of me, that I was being stubborn, and that she thought me telling her how I felt was ridiculous. Then throwing all the blame to me as to why the friendship ended. I do agree that most people you should have that conversation, and in many ways, we did. But sometimes you need to know when to walk away. Everything I said I just kept getting attacked, and never got an apology for what she did, which is all I needed. Not only that but I found out things she said behind my back which were truly horrible. I’ve come to realize I did try. And if I wasn’t ready to talk, that’s not my fault. She could have apologized and made me feel more comfortable about the situation, but she didn’t. Alas here we are having never had that final conversation in person. It’s been over a year. I think it’s too far gone now.

Sarah, So sorry you had to go through all of that unrelenting cruelness and horrible disrespect. I now have a larger context for your situation, which again I wasn’t ‘judging’ you on, tho I guess ‘challenging’ is the right word. I hear you saying you really did try to communicate but that she WOULDN’T take in your truth. Sometimes people (this ex-friend) become seriously damaged by something, something totally irrelevant to you and him/her, but then they damage you /someone else thoughtlessly and irreparably. It hurts and totally disrespects you, and NO, you DON”T have to keep ‘taking it’ from her if that’s all she’s going to do. Uuugh. It just sounds so demeaning. I’m glad you walked away from her negativity; sometimes -though not usual-there are situations giving you good reasons to totally disengage and not communicate. This obviously was one of them. Again sad for you that it had to be so painful a break.

Thank you. I feel you’ve hit the nail on the head. It was something that ‘forced’ me to walk away from a negative situation. Still painful but just coping day by day.

I have a similar response to Nina’s in this situation. I couldn’t help but think that avoiding talking about the situation and thereby leaving the person always wondering what happened (but never really knowing), would be really hard for them- perhaps harder than hearing what you didn’t say. Furthermore, leaving them without your words allows less opportunity for either of you to learn and hopefully grow as much as possible from the experience. I know I would certainly want an explanation, no matter how difficult but I always value the truth.

I am grieving tonight and went looking for articles or encouragement online in the hopes of understanding or relieving my grief a little bit. It’s so heavy sometimes. I didn’t fully understand why I was grieving because my 17 year friendship ended somewhat amicably but the grief has truly taken me by surprise. Thank you for your words. They have helped to shed a light on a sad and confusing time ❤️

I’m so very sorry your friendship has ended. It is a very heavy weight of loss and grief. Memories come back in waves and the sadness can creep up out of nowhere. It’s been over a year that I’ve lost my best friend of 50 years. Truly, I lost my family. I know it doesn’t make the hurt any easier, but just want you to know your in the company of so many dealing with this. I hope things will become easier for you with time. Please be good to yourself❣️

I’m not sure when this article was written. I am in the process of losing my closest friendship. It feels like a death that is long and drawn out and I’m grieving. My best friend and I had a disagreement last year. I told her something very personal which she disagreed with and rang my husband to discuss, and a couple of her other close friends. I felt betrayed and it hasn’t been the same since. I called my friend out on it in what I believed was in a loving way, but she still got very defensive and didn’t apologize. She believes she is in the right to have spoken about my issue. We keep in touch but its not the same and some days we don’t message at all anymore. The thing I told her was nothing scandalous, it was about my belief in God, or lack of. (We are a part of a high control religion). I feel lost without our constant communication and it feels very off between us. Its been 6 months now.

Ugh, I am so sorry to hear this. I think you were 100% right to state what you believe. I think religion ruins most people unfortunately and it sounds like she’s chosen a fake belief over a good friend. I promise, you will find more like minded people in time. It’s a really good feeling when you do. But I lost my best friend two years ago and it will never feel the same. She really hurt me and has some very serious mental issues, but I still question it everyday. Losing a best friend is such an inexplainable experience. I don’t wish it on anyone, but sometimes who we are moves away from who they are, and in order to grow we must separate.

Good article. I had a great friend a couple of years ago, knew eachother through my job and she eventually quit back in 2016 (knew her since 2005 when I started), got insanely close like a male to female BFF, we both text eachother a lot and phoned eachother often, had long phone conversations and when I was sad she’d call and when she was sad I’d call. It was a good few years after she quit we were really really close and she told me we are always going to be together getting through everything together, us texting in the morning got me through my rough days and days we planned to call eachother but things happened and didn’t made her sad.

Then comes along a loser boyfriend…I feel like he got her to ditch the friendship. She stopped texting me unless I text her but took her a day to text me back instead of asap, our phone calls were short and not as good, she didn’t hang around me much and made excuses but hung around other friends of hers. They didn’t last quite 2 years and I just messaged her last week, she said she was thinking about me and that we should catch up soon, talked on the phone for 20 minutes and going to go on a hike next week but I am no longer interested in keeping her around much longer. She gets upset when I dissapear, but I get fed up so I take off for months and months knowing she wont ever keep in touch anymore and I could take a break from everything.

Just had a bust up with a friend complicated by the fact that we’re also working on a project together. She took the lead in a creative project in which we were supposed to be equals, because my schedule was packed. We could have waited a few weeks for things to clear for me – but then her schedule would’ve been packed. I’m sure we could have found a way round it – but she ploughed on.

Recently, I’ve been struggling to meet deadlines for the all the projects I’m on – I have a newly diagnosed cognitive disability, and have issues with executive function and time management. I’m getting help, I’ve told her what I’m dealing with. I asked our bosses for an extension – to get the work in – and they agreed. In fact – one of them was relieved, because she too was short of time to read the work that we’d produced.

My ex friend blew up – sent me an email outlining all the times I’d hurt her, her resentment at being lead on this project. (Remember – this is not what I wanted). I was astounded at the things she’d taken offence to, and the role of victim she’d adopted. I ended up grovelling, because I asked for the extension before talking to her first. Which from a tact point of view was a mistake. But I’m bruised and raw from her backlash. I don’t deserve it.

But now I’m switching between anger and sorrow. This is the third time this happened and I feel that I can’t go on like this, being subjected to passive-aggressive abuse. The friendship is dead, but we still have to work together.

So today, I bought a candle and wrote her name on it on one side, and the words “letting go” on the other. When it gets to the end – my period of mourning for our friendship will be over. It’s the only way forward for me. So glad to have found this article today. 🙁

Definitely sounds like a healthy thing to let go of the friendship, even though it hurts. I’m still grieving my 22 year friendship after not speaking for 2 years (we too worked together). However, I would be very cautious of burning a candle and giving yourself a time limit to let go. It doesn’t work like that I’m afraid and if you don’t deal with your feelings properly you will never heal. Anyways, just my two cents but best of luck.

I had a pivotal moment in my mourning process for my former friend today. She cut me off 15 months ago after her possessive ex (now current again) partner told her lies about me, even though I’ve never met him. I tried so hard to resolve the situation to no avail.

We work together and it’s made getting over things that much harder when I have to see her all the time. For the past several months I’ve been stuck in the anger stage, and lately it’s been getting worse and worse, to the point I couldn’t even stand the sound of her voice anymore. Not conducive to a good working relationship!

Anyway, today we had a meeting to catch up on a few work things at her request. While I don’t report to her she is higher in the office hierarchy than me, and I was determined to use today as a chance to stand up for myself. Which I did. And it was great. I realised a couple of hours after the meeting that it unexpectedly helped. I don’t know why, but suddenly the anger is gone and I actually feel warm towards her. We’ll never be friends again, that ship has sailed, and that’s sad but I’m okay with it. I feel like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders and I know now our work relationship can grow without that huge hurdle in the way. Maybe one day we may even be able to talk about what happened and I’ll finally get a real explanation. But if we don’t, that’s okay too. Acceptance stage here I come. 🙂

Just wanted to share. For those of you who are still dealing with the earlier stages of grief, please know you’ll get through it and get to acceptance one day. It feels fabulous.

Thank you Jen for this beautiful and thoughtful text. I don’t know where you are in the world or when this was written but I thank you so much. All of the other readers seem to have lost longterm friendships…My (abrupt) loss comes from after only 6 months but I’m devastated anyways… I have no idea why all of a sudden my friend seems do distant, limiting his interactions to a couple of bland texts each day when we used to talk on the phone sometimes 2 or 3 times a day….We live in different cities but work on some projects together and I’m dreading our next meeting, which I cannot avoid. I love him (as a friend, he’s gay, I’m a straight woman) and wish him the best. I will treasure the memories but boy it is soooooo hard to let go. Allowing myself a good cry (me!! A grown woman!!) once in a while is soothing and I only did that after reading your post. Now if I could just crush my hopes…. Anyway, again, thank you Jen

I really appreciate your openess. I tend to be very militant with my feelings when it is time to move on but a lot happened and I had to leave a friendship of 10 years quickly (long story.) By the time it seemed it was time to grieve we had some big things happen and then pandemic so about 2 years later I realize I never grieved the end. I just had to go and it seems the world set fire. This helped. Now after a few years all of a sudden memories are coming back and I know that means it’s time to finally grieve. It is all very weird considering the context. Thank you

Grieving the loss of a 30 year friendship, my ‘sister’ and I so needed to read this today. Beautifully written article, than you

This essay was so helpful to me today. I lost my 40-year BFF in a six-month period that included the near-death of my spouse, the death of my mother, and a long-distance move made, in part, to be geographically closer to this BFF. (We’ve lived everywhere from in the same neighborhood to on different continents during our decades of friendship.) The only explanation she made for why our relationship ended was “I haven’t felt heard by you for a long time.” I don’t know when or why she felt unheard, and it doesn’t matter because she’s moved on without me. Her adult daughter is dearer to me than my own nieces, and I’m afraid of losing that relationship, too.

I’m struggling with having moved to a new town where I know no one, and my loss feels especially fresh today. I appreciate being accompanied by all the other posters who have known this kind of sadness.

Dear M, Your story is so similar to mine. I lost a 50 yr friendship…her reasoning?…it had become too “lopsided”. I was knee deep in caring for my elderly parents (Alzheimer’s, strokes, etc), my great Niece died at 2 years of age, My Dad passed away, then I moved my Mom in with me…on and on. She was rarely around for me…never called to see how I was…All I can figure is she was SO used to me ALWAYS being there at the drop of a hat FOR HER and she just couldn’t handled that I instead was actually in need of her support. They were my family (I mean 5 decades…). I too was really close to her daughter (my Goddaughter) and lost that relationship as well. I’m sure this friend passed on “not true” stories about me. It has been almost 2 years since I’ve seen any of them (my friend, goddaughter, her son, and husband). I am just now slowly seeing some light at the end of a very long dark tunnel I’ve been in. There was not a day where I didn’t cry. That was my whole adult life…now I’m left without a friend or family. Devastating is an understatement. I am so so sorry you’re going through this. We often times learn someone’s true character when we go through a difficult time and need them most. Be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up over it…because you will run every scenerio in your head as to what you may have done. She may reach out to you in the future. Do something kind for yourself….get involved in this new community…meet people. It is the worse thing to experience, but you will come out the other side stronger! 💖

This post Jen, will be revisited and revisited again and again… thank you! The writing is also superb, I just can’t articulate properly through my tears.. sadness and relief!

I can’t believe the complete state of shock, and quite honestly grief that has occurred after I have ended a close friendship. Physical and emotional. I know it’s early days and I know I needed to do so, but the sadness and sense of lose is all consuming at this point.

It was a friendship with a man, and he happily partnered up 18 months ago. We had been close and did a lot together, we had lived together as well at some points, as friends, travelled, explored and just hung out.

Since partnering up, I have almost become a social pariah with the small group of mutual friends we both have and have been excluded, save one social function probably 9 months ago.

I never expected to get involved with everything that they were doing as a couple obviously, or even his new group of friends from the partner initially…

I stupidly expected to eventually all be apart of each other’s lives though, maybe not at first… but it’s been a while now! I seriously thought that, yes I would be there… even if it took a little time…

But being excluded from existing social circles and not being able to do much more then pop over for a coffee or to help with renovations with him exclusively, has become unbearable to the point of our friendship becoming untenable. I guess we still do various favours for each other like petsitting… I can’t deny that. However, it is skewed to me helping more.

In retrospect, I probably gave more and maybe even cared more throughout the former ‘fun times’ but I was too busy just enjoying it to realise. It was always enough because essentially he was consistently wanting my friendship. I mean who is truly keeping tabs until it all goes pear shaped?!

Now, he does just enough to make you hope everything’s fine but deep down I know it isn’t…

I have tried to talk about how it has felt to be excluded, shafted really but he just downplays it and talks about how awkward it is for his partner (and apparently the mutual friends too)… really it must just be awkward for him as well.

The small circle of mutual friends were his friends first basically. After years of association I guess I’m a little wounded by their actions but honestly it’s drowned out by my feelings regarding the really close friend. I’ve always been friendly and had some very good times with them, but never I guess never truly formed closer, deeper bonds with them?!

I’m deeply hurt after what I thought was a truly close friendship. And, yes it has left a huge hole. I do wonder if maybe he could have been more honest at some point and not left me hanging on for so long, so to speak. Or perhaps I was a fool for not seeing the warning signs…

Anyway this will be a hard one, we were probably so close because neither has family or friends here and we fell hard for the friendship and had many shared interests, and continued for at least 7 yrs as per normal, another 18 months after. My other truly close friends have since moved away, because surprise, surprise – we aren’t from here.

I honestly thought we would be close always. Even if one or both of us moved away I had always envisaged we’d still pick up the phone ocassionally or even meet up for an adventure at some point…

Defintely not going to happen now. And the future seems surprisingly stark at this moment. But these feelings will pass in time, I realise… my mind can’t settle at the moment and as much as I try I can’t find the joy in much at all. Even the activities I love and get excited about. I guess, this too, is normal..

I also want to thank those who have shared their stories too… it really has been eye opening… I would never expected this level of loss being felt. I’ve been fighting it in fact, thinking I’m being ‘dramatic!’ Thoughts to you all…

Most of the comments are from ladies who have lost living lady friends.

I’m a guy who has lost the close friendship of a lady friend after 9 years.

My feelings changed and I suppose the situation for my friend became too intense to handle and cope with.

We have parted in a clinical and sad way. Im devastated at my loss of a super person in my life. I felt her as a soul mate. I think she saw me as a sounding board and a father figure.

The loss is hurting, lonely and very sad. Im ruder-less and alone. Im unable to talk this over with others so struggling to get through it all solo.

Thanks Jen for your words.

I had a friendship with a coworker that I thought was very solid. I took a promotion at another location for the company we work for and in the last few months my friend has become rude and distant whenever I attempt to reach out. The last reply that I received was extremely rude and hurtful. Realizing our friendship was at an end finally, I was filled with grief. When trying to reflect on what went wrong, I was having a hard time doing so and was just confused about the whole change of behavior. I reached out to my girlfriend for some comforting and to talk about my confusion on what went wrong. I told my girlfriend that I just couldn’t see what it was that led to my friend being this way. Her response was to tell me how she handles someone who is rude or mean like my friend was to me. She said “ They want to act brand new treat them brand new. I just have a don’t care anymore attitude when it comes to that. It sucks, but oh well! I’ll bitch about it too, but at the end of the day, their friendship doesn’t feed me, screw me, or support me.” What should I say to explain to her that dealing with the loss of a friend in this way is not healthy? I think she’s been let down so many times by her friends in the past she’s been traumatized in someway. I want to explain to her that to me I need to mourn the loss and have some kind of closure. It seems to me she doesn’t really understand that friendships are important to us.

In the last week it has really hit me that I am in mourning. I have lost a friend of 18 years. The loss happened slowly, and was partly due to my own frustration with the situation.

I started to pull back 2 years ago after noticing that I was making all the effort to see my “best friend”. I always went to her place because she had young children and things were difficult for her. I brought the wine, the food, and I often paid because they didn’t have a lot of money … everything. I was sure she would return my kindness when I needed her.

But evidently, that wasn’t to be.

When she went back to work she was “very busy” and would have time to “catch up soon”. I started to think that if someone is important to you, you should make time. But her weekends were full with other friends. So I assumed she didn’t realise how she was making me feel and I told her (gently) that I would appreciate if she could make the effort sometimes. I was met with, “well you just live so far away that it’s difficult to see you.” I live 30 minutes from her house. She never had trouble asking me to travel that far. Or asking me to pick her up, take her places, or fit in with her schedule at the drop of a hat.

She then started to be “sick” and cancel plans. A lot.

Finally, it was my birthday and she was busy all month. “So sorry,” about it, but nothing she could do. We did eventually catch up, and she did drive the 30 minutes to have breakfast with me, but it felt forced when before it had always been so easy.

Then, a few months later I was in an accident. I hurt myself so badly I couldn’t walk for 6 months, then needed surgery and had to recover for another 3 months. I couldn’t drive – I actually couldn’t do anything. I was miserable and I needed my friend. And where was she? “Very busy,” … “very sorry”, and coming to see me “soon.”

She never came.

After this, even when I recovered, I pulled back completely. She moved (same suburb different house) and asked me to come over. I said I would next time I was in the area. I didn’t. If she suggested a catch up, I felt she wouldn’t go through with it, so rather than risk myself being hurt again, I (with all politeness) spoke to her as before, but I made no effort to make catch up plans happen.

Another 6 months went by, conversations got less and less, and I was finally pregnant after 6 years of trying – my greatest joy! I found I didn’t want to tell her – my best friend. I told friends who had been good to me while my life was hard though my accident and my surgery. But not her. When she finally contacted me, I did tell her, but I was 5 months along. I think I expected she would realise how badly she had hurt me, say we should celebrate (because she knew what this meant to me) and everything would get back on track. But that was the last time we spoke before a few texts on her birthday a year later when my son was already 6 months old.

We just wished each other well.

The last few weeks, now with my birthday coming up, I am in belated shock that we didn’t mend the rift – that we won’t always be in each other’s lives like we planned for so long. I guess in the back of my mind I thought she would miss me and everything we used to do together, we would talk and get back on track. But she moved on with her life as though our 18 year friendship – where I had treated her better than her own family – never existed.

I thought was in control and had made the decision to pull back for myself. But in writing this I realise she pulled out of our friendship long before I realised anything was wrong.

I still miss her. I hope that won’t always be so.

Tonight I removed her from my social media accounts. It was painful constantly seeing her watch stories about my baby son and saying nothing. I started to have nightmares. I couldn’t understand m what interest she could have in us now if our true, close and special friendship was over and she’s never even met him. Her kids were like a niece and nephew to me, but I had to let them go.

I will say, that reading this article and seeing similar pain from others in this thread, I no longer feel alone in what I have gone through. In fact, I feel just as shocked for all of you that your once “best friend” could ever slip away.

I hope we will all once again know a friend as good and as precious as the one we have lost.

Even though in my case it wasn’t a balanced relationship, I am very loyal and just want to be treated with the respect, kindness, and genuine caring I show others. But, if she called me tomorrow and said she understood what had happened between us and asked to start again, I don’t know if I could.

It sounds like you’ve hit a breaking point where you wouldn’t ‘take her back’ even if the chance arose. This is progress and you’re moving forward. I had this at some point and when it hit I realized I was the good friend the whole time, not her. I went out of my way. 22 years. She did so many things to upset me but I shrugged it off. Not saying I am perfect, but she KNEW I was always there for her – I could not say the same. Anyways, I just wanted to say I know how you feel. Please know that you’re making progress. Sometimes we make mistakes by giving people too much of ourselves when they don’t give back, without realizing the only reason we’re so close to them is for all the effort WE put in. The only reason they allow it is because we make it so damn easy. I know it’s hard and upsetting and I thought we were best friends with an unbreakable connection – There is no answer or solution, I guess sometimes people need some time to work on themselves.

Lost two friends of 35 years, one through death, the other still living. Miss them both terribly. The living friend leaned on me constantly but when it was my time to lean ….. nothing.

Thank you for opening my eyes that somethings don’t last forever, but a loss is a loss and grief is right there to remind . you

The loss of a 38 year friendship broke my heart. I am the kind of person who can have only 4 friends but they will mean everything to me. I love my friends with all my heart. I have been through so much loss in my life. My parents, Grandparents, sibling, Aunts and Uncles. She was the last important thing that had continuity in my life besides my spouse. I am not sure if she had a mental issue or what but she became born again and started acting very strange. Like she vanished and turned into someone unrecognizable. It made me uncomfortable and that coupled with trust and the fact that she would not make time for the friendship dissolved it. I walked away and never heard a word. Silence was the answer I needed. It was all a lie. Fool Me Once, Shame on You; Fool Me Twice, Shame on Me.

What I learned from this experience is that I am worthy of good things. I also learned that we all have different views on God, heaven etc. I can’t understand how some people get lost in religion when the most important message I believe delivered from the almighty is “love”. It is all about love. As for God, We all come from him, we all go back to him. If the friend ever comes across this post, I am happy you found the Lord but if finding him makes you leave those who love you are you really taking the right religious path?

Google brought me here. Thank you for this beautiful piece on a rarely talked about subject. I have had a dear friend for decades, we shared university days and vacations and so many special moments together, including with significant others and families. Her politics have been increasingly difficult to deal with, and a recent world event has put her insensitivity toward who I am on full daily display and I just can’t handle it anymore. I will have a difficult conversation with her to let her know my feelings, but I think this is over and our friendship can never be the same, as I accept that this is what she believes. I have felt depressed for weeks, thinking something is wrong with me. But the daily joys of our friendship have been taken away, and I am coming to terms with the fact that I won’t be planning vacations and events with her in the coming months. It really feels like grieving. Looking at old photos and memories is really difficult right now. Thank you again for sharing your experience and making me feel less alone.

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Coping with the death of a friend

When your friend dies, the sadness you feel can be overwhelming, yet those around you may not understand what you’re going through. This can leave you feeling isolated and alone, but we want you to know we’re here for you.

On this page

How do you cope with the death of a close friend, what the death of a friend can feel like, remember that your grief is important, how to support yourself after the death of your friend.

On this page, we’ll talk through how the death of a friend can affect you, and we’ll explain why it’s important to remember that your grief and your feelings are valid.

We’ll also share tips and advice to help you cope after your bereavement, and highlight what support is available if you need it.

The death of a best friend can be devastating. It can leave you feeling abandoned and lost, particularly if they were the person you shared your deepest thoughts and feelings with. It’s likely that you would have experienced significant moments in life together, and their death can leave you grieving the plans you’d made and the moments you thought were still to come. 

If you were in touch with your friend regularly, it can feel like your daily life and routines have changed forever. You may still find yourself wanting to call them up, share things with them or ask their advice. And at times like Christmas, birthdays or big life events, you might wish they could be there with you. 

Even if you didn’t see each other often, their death can still bring about similar feelings of longing and sadness. That’s why it’s important to be kind to yourself as you come to terms with what has happened. 

Learning to live with the death of your best friend is likely to take time. Try to give yourself the space you need to grieve and be honest about how you are feeling with those around you. This can help them support you in a way that’s sensitive to what you’re going through. 

Having to come to terms with the death of your friend can be shocking, even if they were ill beforehand. You might experience a range of emotions, from sadness to confusion or guilt, and you might find that these feelings change as you try to process what has happened.

The pain that comes with grieving for a friend can sometimes be overwhelming, and you may cry a lot at first. Or, you might feel like you’re coping OK, and then suddenly find that strong emotions hit you out of nowhere. This is completely normal, and all part of the unpredictability of grief. 

If your friend had a terminal illness , you might find that you feel a sense of relief now that they are no longer suffering.

This feeling may be particularly significant if you were their carer , as you no longer have that responsibility. It may feel odd to experience these types of emotions while you’re grieving, but it’s important for you to recognise that it’s OK to feel this way.

All friendships are unique and so your grieving process for your friend will be too. It will be influenced by how close you were, the role they played in your life, and lots of other factors. If your other friends knew the person who has died, they may react differently to you, and that’s OK. You’ll each have your own journey of grief to navigate. 

I honestly feel losing Kerrie has been as tough as losing mum, maybe even tougher. Grieving my friend: Helen's story

When your best friend dies it can feel like you’re grieving for a sibling , but those around you might not realise this. They may not recognise the depth of your friendship, the impact they had on your life, or their importance to you. In fact, it’s common for the death of a friend to be seen as less significant than a family bereavement. Yet for many people, friends are their chosen family.

This lack of understanding can make you feel like your grief doesn’t matter as much, or that it isn’t as significant as the grief of those who are related to your friend. These feelings are known as disenfranchised grief, and it can leave you feeling really isolated - particularly if you didn’t know or get on with your friend’s family.

For example, you might find that you aren’t given the chance to take part in the funeral or memorial in the way that you’d like to, or that you’re excluded from that process entirely. This can all add to the hurt you are feeling, but try to remember that your grief is important and valid.

Coping with the death of a friend can be incredibly tough, and it can be hard to come to terms with what the future now looks like.

In the moments when things feel especially difficult, try to take one day at a time and put yourself first. This might be through doing something we’ve mentioned below, or it might be through doing something else. What’s important is that you do what feels right for you.

Talk about your feelings

Opening up about your grief can help your family and friends support you in the way that you need. It can feel scary to be so honest, but communicating with them about what you need can ease some of the pressure you feel. Grief can be isolating, but remember that you shouldn’t have to go through it alone.

If you don’t feel comfortable going to a family member or friend, you could consider joining a grief support group . We’ve got more information about what grief support groups are and how to join one , either in-person or online.

Share your memories

Taking time to reflect on special moments throughout your friendship can help you to feel connected to your friend as you grieve. You could meet up with others who knew and loved them, or you could set up a digital space, such as our memory box tool , to share all your photos and memories.

Find ways to remember them

You may want to think about a meaningful way for you to honour your friend’s memory. For example, you could make a memory box , plant a tree or flower, visit a place that was special to them or support a cause they cared about.

Write about your feelings

If you feel like you have things you still want to say to your friend, or if you find yourself wishing that they were around at certain life events or moments, you might want to consider writing to them. This could be a quick text every now and then to let them know how you’re feeling, a journal entry , or it could be something longer like a letter that you write every year.

Take care of yourself

Grief can be exhausting, so it can feel even harder if you don’t look after your physical health. This can be hard to do when you’re grieving, but it’s important to try to eat well, get the sleep you need and move your body each day. It may take a lot of effort to get out of the house, but going for a walk or sitting outside for a few minutes can help you feel better.

Choose the right bereavement support for you

We’re also here to help with a range of Online Bereavement Support services . Our  Online Bereavement Community  is a safe space to talk to others who understand what you’re going through. You don’t need an account to read what people are saying, but you will need an account if you want to share your own experience.

As well as our Online Community, we also have lots of information about the grieving process on  Grief Guide   and our supporting yourself through grief pages. Plus, our  Online Bereavement Counselling Service   offers free and professional video counselling to help you process the death of your friend and what it means for your life now.

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More information and advice

38 Meaningful Quotes to Cope With the Loss of a Best Friend

During this time of grief, these uplifting quotes that honor your friendship might help you find a little peace.

Losing someone you love is a devastating experience. While nothing can take away the pain, finding words can sometimes help you heal. Quotes that speak to the loss of a best friend might help you express your pain and the sudden void you're feeling in your life.

For those who are searching for something to say on social media or as part of a eulogy, we've gathered some honest and encouraging quotes surrounding the death of a best friend to help you caption your grief — and maybe find a little peace along the way. 

Quotes to Help You Say Goodbye After the Death of a Best Friend 

Losing a best friend is like losing a limb. You can never truly replace them. However, you can relish in the amazing moments you had together and the powerful impact they had on your life.

• 52 Comforting & Inspirational Quotes When You Experience the Death of a Friend
• 36 Powerful Alternatives to "Rest in Peace"
• 50+ Notable Celebrities Who Have Died of Cancer

Find the right words to gain comfort and honor your friendship with quotes like these. 

• You know you have a true best friend when time and distance cannot break your bond. I guess it will take a bit longer for us to have our next visit, but when we meet again, I cannot wait to catch up as if no time has passed. Rest well in heaven, my dear friend. 
• A best friend is one of the few people in life who chooses to love you despite your flaws. The bond is stronger than blood because there is no obligation. I am so lucky to have found someone with such a wonderful soul, kind heart, and witty sense of humor to have by my side. No one can fill your shoes, sweet friend. 
• In the end, you beat cancer . You took away its power. You conquered life in the time you had and I can't wait to see you in the next. I love you, friend. There is no one better than you.
• To the person who always lived life like there was no tomorrow — I guess you knew something the rest of us didn't. Way to live your life to the fullest, best friend. Planning to take a page from your book and always ask myself, "What would [person's name] do?" before making any big decisions. 
• Until now, I didn't realize how many seeds you had planted in my life. I can't seem to go a day without being reminded of you. Glad to have you as a fixture in my garden, best friend. You will never be forgotten.
• You know how I know that we are best friends? Because I laughed at your funeral. Every story that someone told reminded me of our great times and the joy that you brought into my life. Thanks for the laughs, bestie. 
• Grief doesn't ever really go away. It lingers and resurfaces when you least expect it. But those moments do get easier to handle. More importantly, the sadness surrounding the loss of a best friend is replaced with just wonderful memories that bring small smiles when we are reminded of those we held most dear. 
• To the one person who would never accept a blanket response — I can't lie to you, I am not fine. Thank you for always calling me on my crap and making sure I didn't bury my feelings. You were my rock. I know I have gained an angel, but I miss my friend. Love you always. 
• You always knew when to make an exit, best friend. I just didn't see our adventure in life ending so soon. I love you always and I hope you are scoping out the best spots in heaven for us to enjoy one day. 
• I am at a loss for words, which you know never happens. But had I known you were going to leave, I wouldn't have the slightest idea of what to say either. I guess that's why things happened the way they did. Because God knew that I would never have let you go. I love you forever, my friend. You will always be in my heart.  
• 52 Comforting & Inspirational Quotes When You Experience the Death of a Friend

Short Sayings to Caption Your Grief After the Loss of a Best Friend

Quotes on the loss of a best friend don't need to be long-winded. They just need to express your feelings, whether they're anger and sadness surrounding their death or love and gratitude for their presence in your life. These quotes about losing friends remind us we're not alone. 

• To say I feel betrayed is an understatement. Life took you away too soon and I don't understand why. But I do know that you are in a better place and that I am fortunate to have had you as a best friend.
• To lose a best friend is to lose a piece of your soul, but my loss was your gain. You lost your pain and finally found peace. Someday I will do the same. Thinking of you always.
• Life's adventures won't be the same without you pushing me outside my comfort zone. Thank you for making me brave. I don't think I could handle this moment without the lessons you taught me over the past few years.
• To my ride or die — Thank you for always being in my corner, even if you had no earthly clue what battle you were about to fight alongside me. I don't think I will ever find another friend quite as faithful as you. 
• You know love was extraordinary when you feel great sorrow when it is gone. I am so fortunate to have had you as my best friend while you were here. 
• It is a dark night here on Earth, but I know you are shining bright in heaven, best friend. You are a glowing example of a committed companion.
• The loss of a best friend is great, but not ever having one is greater. Thankful for our time and the good times we shared. Rest in Peace .
• I hope you know that this isn't goodbye. It is just until we meet again. You can't get rid of me that easily, bestie. Love you always.
• They say that time is a cruel mistress and I suddenly see why. You never know how long you will have with the ones you love. You were some kind of wonderful, and the world is going to miss your vibrant spirit. 
• It feels like I am witnessing a car crash and I can't get out to help. Your death has changed my life forever, but I guess meeting you did the same thing. I love you always, my friend. Thank you for crashing into my world and sticking around as long as you did.
• Finding a best friend is something that only happens once or twice in a lifetime. I hope that I am lucky enough to find another you. Until then, I plan to keep bending your ear about every little thing that happens in my life so I hope that you are listening, bestie.

Uplifting Words to Remember Your Best Friend After Death

Death limits your time with a person, but it cannot steal your memories or the joy you felt when you were with your friend. These quotes for the loss of a best friend can help to remind you that they are never truly gone. 

• Even though you are gone, I know that our memories will live on forever. You made my life exciting and helped me to remember to slow down and actually live. I’m thankful to have called you my best friend. 
• Friendship transcends all boundaries. Death took you away, but when a friendship is true, you already know what your bestie would have said or done in every single scenario. I know you will always be cheering me on, giving me crap, and guiding me from beyond. 
• To my other half, thank you for being the Thelma to my Louise. You were the best friend a girl could ask for, and I was lucky to have you by my side. I hope you are flying high in heaven.
• When it comes to friends, you were the GOAT. Our time together was short, but your impact will last a lifetime. Rest in peace, dear friend. 
• [Person's name], I have decided to not look at your passing as a loss, but rather a stroke of luck that fate brought us together and gave us good times during your short time here on Earth. It was a blessing knowing you, best friend.
• My dearest friend, even if we are apart, I know that you will always be with me because that is how it has always been. We have spanned weeks without seeing one another and months between chats, and yet, through thick and thin, I knew you were always thinking of me and supporting me. I'm going to move forward believing that we will meet again and go back to being the bestest of friends. 
• Every good party comes to an end, but that doesn't mean we won't stop celebrating your life! To the expert extrovert, the savvy socialite, and center of attention, thanks for lighting up our lives, even for just a little while. Love you, bestie.
• You moved through life with grace and enjoyed every step. All I can say is that I hope you are dancing in heaven bestie. Someday, I will join you on that dance floor, but until then, I will continue to waltz my way through life on Earth, despite my two left feet.  
• Dear best friend, I know you know I love a good cliffhanger, but I wasn't ready for our chapter to end. I hope you play a role in writing the rest of my book. If anything, I know you are at least up there reading along. 
• It is funny where we find the bestest of friends. The movies make us believe that this person will be in the same stage of life and the same social circles, yet I found you. During our many conversations, I felt like I was looking at my future. You and I were the same, just 50 years apart in age, but I guess that is what is so great about a best friend. Age, size, looks, education, and beliefs don't really matter. Only that your souls mesh. I am so glad that in our time together I got to see a glimpse of my future and you got to relive some of your past. See you on the other side, my dear friend. 

When choosing quotes about the loss of a best friend, think about your specific relationship with the person and what you would have said to them directly if they were still alive. After all, this quote can serve as a way to voice your grief and say goodbye. Even if you plan to share it with the world, direct the message towards them. This can help you cope . 

• 10 Healing Grief Activities That Can Help You Deal With Loss

Famous Quotes About Best Friends & Loss

Sometimes we cannot caption our grief, so we have to take someone else's sorrow to serve as our own. Television shows, movies, and songs are all great sources for meaningful lines that can be used as loss of a best friend quotes.

• "You are my person, you will always be my person." -  Sandra Oh as Cristina Yang in Grey's Anatomy
• "Some grief is — is heavier than other grief. Sometimes it moves through you, and sometimes it just gets stuck. And you carry it." - T.R. Knight as George O'Malley in Grey's Anatomy
• "The simplest thing is... I loved him. And I miss him." - Jack Nickolson as Edward Coke in The Bucket List
• "Grief is just love with no place to go." - Jamie Anderson
• "When you lose someone you love, they never really leave you. They just move into a special place in your heart." -  Catherine O'Hara as Mrs. Frankenstien in Frankenweenie
• "I don't think that we're meant to understand it all the time. I think that sometimes we just have to have faith." -  Nicholas Sparks,  A Walk to Remember
• "Time waits for no man. Time heals all wounds. All any of us want is more time. Time to stand up. Time to grow up. Time to let go. Time." - Ellen Pompeo as Meredith Grey in Grey's Anatomy

Losing a Best Friend Changes Your Perspective on Life

As someone who has lost a best friend, I can tell you that the experience changes you, and while the pain lessens, it never really goes away. Every person heals differently and figures out their own unique way of coping.

The key is finding a meaning behind the loss to help you heal and to make the world a little bit better place. Quotes about losing a best friend can help you slowly let go of your pain and replace it with only the good stuff — your memories.

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Death of a Friend: "In Memoriam"

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In Memoriam

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which befriends people on Death Row in the USA

The Death of a Friend (From the novel entitled "The Perfumed Grave")

Thomas Thompson said good-bye to all of us in North Segregation today.

The system of Execution at San Quentin calls for him to be locked-up and constantly watched by two officers twenty-four hours a day for the last five days before he's scheduled to die. Lately, I've been saying this special prayer, "That God would allow all these tormented beings to be freed and somehow find an end to their suffering. In return for that favor, I would gladly be executed in their place." It's not that I don't have plenty to live for, beautiful daughters and grand-kids and a million other favors I can't deny. I just know that when my time comes, my focus will be on spaciousness and compassion, which might not be the case for many of the Sentient Beings I see here.

The idea of someone I've grown to call a friend dying in ignorance is almost too much for me to think about, and the fact that I know what's next, after this short life, makes me that much more confident "I'll be fine." I do have the unique opportunity to influence my kids, and since they hinge on every word I say and basically value every suggestion I come up with, that motivation alone gives me an even greater mission.

Being stranded on Death Row, it's amazing and almost a miracle that my kids still love me at all. I know I shouldn't crave their approval, but it's really hard not to. Next month I'll be 43 years old and if you looked at my life, you'd think I was 60. At the same time I can't be mad at the way my life has turned out, because all these obstacles I face are really an opportunity for me to grow and even shine. So illusionary, I could call it a dream, parts of which have turned into a nightmare.

Luckily my knowledge of the Dharma has changed my perception so that even my hurts have given rise to victories common folk would never think to experience. Sitting here is just as important as being free to raise my kids, because there are many tormented souls here and as long as there is one tormented being on this level of Samsara, then no one can truly say, "they're free."

Thinking back, I wasn't always fodder for the judicial system.

From June of 1973, until July of 1976, I had two years, six months, and twenty-four days of sea duty, finally receiving an Honorable Discharge in 1979. I remember cruising on board the USS San Bernadino AFS-7, in the middle of the Indian Ocean, with a Battle Group powerful enough to destroy the world several times over if the order was given. What a gas, NAVY: Never Again Volunteer Yourself. I think Thomas was in the Army, and I remember him telling me he did some stuff over in Laos, you never can tell around here. I'd say at least seven out of ten guys here in North Segregation are Veterans. Most of them are older than me and claim to have been in combat in Nam. All of them have stories, like me, and we all agree that Uncle Sam could care less if we dropped dead after he finished messing us up.

Another thing that's interesting is the fact that none of the guys I asked had ever been in trouble before the military. At the same time, this isn't about excuses or even reasons, anybody could see that if the system wanted, they could find a reason to let all of us off Death Row, just as they justify placing us here.

Also, it's interesting that of the 509 men on the row, I can only think of a few, a hand-full at most, that have cases worse than many of the people walking around on the mainline in California Prisons. Speaking of which, my friend is scheduled to be executed in about twenty-five hours from now. There's so much lingering doubt in his case, it's amazing that so-called Law Protectors would actually execute this guy. I guess they forgot the few lines in the 8th Amendment that say, "It's unconstitutional to execute anyone who is factually innocent." About a year ago, he received a stay of execution, which allowed us to have long conversations about death and dying. I feel those brief talks did us an enormous amount of good. Being a realist I would always come at him with the fact that, regardless to what I think or feel about you, you could be as guilty as sin. Since I wasn't there, and the fact that I've seen much, I simply can't put anything past anyone. So we were having this conversation and somehow it came back to the question of guilt or innocence, a conversation mind you, that I hate to have with a friend. My reason for this is I could feel a man's innocence, but he could talk me into believing he's guilty, just from him trying to be persuasive. Also, I think that if the system can justify killing any of us here, then they will and really don't care about us being guilty or innocent. So I was talking to Tom about it, and I suggested to him that, "No matter if you're guilty or innocent, if these people decide to execute you, you should pray for forgiveness for all innocent creatures, even the one's who hate you. That way, your death will count for something."

That seemed to get his attention, so I continued, saying, "It's simple when you think about it, if you're guilty (and I don't think you are) then you'll die seeking forgiveness for your sins and all the pain and hatred you've generated by your actions." Since Tom's a Christian, I went on to say, "By doing that, you stand a very good chance of being allowed into paradise by atoning for your sins.

On the other hand, if you're innocent, then you're in the unique position of knowing when the end of this life will start. This means you'll be able to even pray for those who are murdering you. You can ask forgiveness for all the innocent creatures that die everyday just so we can live. The Biblical ramifications of that are enormous, even Christ-like." He agreed with me and I pray he does that when the time comes. Since innocent people die everyday, he's going out with an advantage.

All this won't stop me from missing him, but I'll feel different than most of his love one's because he and I have talked about this event myriad times. I believe in my heart that he'll be better off than even the people that take his life, if it comes to that.

One thing for sure, he'll damn sure be better off than me, because I'll still be here in hell and he'll be taken up, soaring with the angels, spiritually full and testing out a brand new pair of wings. Sleep with the angels brother, you're never far from my heart.

July 13, 1998:

If Thomas Thompson is to be believed, then in less than 8 hours, he'll be murdered by the State of California for a crime he did not commit. He, along with his crime partner are the two people alive who know truth. A truth, that will probably die with him if his execution is carried out.

I assume that since his so-called crime partner took a deal, he won't be coming forward with any new information, so the buck stops with Tom. Since Thomas Thompson and possibly the person who actually did the crime are the only ones that know the truth, I choose to simply love him for the beautiful brother he has been to me ever since I drove up to San Quentin in 1995.

Also at this point in the day I still choose to think of him as he "is," instead of a "was." It keeps me believing that no matter how it turns out he'll be blessed. Living in this place I call, "The Perfumed Grave," puts me in the unusual position of being one of the very few people who has a friend that is about to be murdered.

It's odd when you think about it, usually the survivors of victims of violent crimes find out about the incident after it happens, which is more than likely followed by shock, anger, grief, and finally resolve. But here in the Grave, I've spent literally years, laughing, eating, working out, and basically living with people, who statistically speaking, will die in prison. That means in this case, I've actually went through all those steps with Tom before the event even takes place.

This morning was a very special time for me. Since Tom has been locked-up, I knew he would have to walk by to take his last shower. I'm in cell 15, and being condemned, for his last five days he's been in cell 1. So I knew he would have to pass by. With that in mind, I stayed up all night, meditating, lounging, and waiting for him to come by.

Sogyal Rinpoche wrote The Tibetan Book of Death and Dying , which somehow confirmed much of what I already felt and believed about the process of life and death. Since Tom is a devout Christian, I never forced my understandings on him, instead, I would just put thoughts on the table for him to look at and then go over them with him in general conversation. The beautiful thing about our relationship was his stay of execution which last about a year. After his close call he seemed much more interested in my understanding of life, death, and what I feel is the best way to perceive one's own death. Using Jesus as an example, I was able to impress the "Practice of Dying," which is chapter fourteen in the book. This wonderful teaching mainly deals with letting go of attachments like hatred and anger, while replacing them with feelings of hope, love, and forgiveness. My favorite saying to him was, "Pray for the world brother. You see how tore-up it is, and we need it to be safe for my granddaughter and newborn grandson. "

Anyway, this morning when he walked by, I looked in his eyes and saw that everything I suggested to him worked and the focus of positive light that illuminated from him literally singed my being to the core. Looking he said, "I love you brother," standing bent over because of the handcuffs he must wear in order to come out of his cell. I swear it was like he was carrying a heavy burden on his back, maybe even an invisible cross. His demeanor caught me so off-guard I couldn't make words come from my mouth. I was so overcome with joy and pain all I could do was make a fist and put it to my heart. For several minutes after he'd gone, all I could do was stand at the bars with tears rolling down my cheeks. The strange thing is these weren't tears of sadness, they were those of joy. I knew in my heart that after this morning, Thomas Thompson would be better off than humanly possible. In fact, I could sum it up by saying, "I looked into his eyes and saw the face of God."

September 20, 1998:

It's taken me a couple months to re-visit the death of my friend. It was especially powerful for me to have been able to go through the process with him, because death is something we all face. The night of the execution, I did a practice in Buddhism called Phowa, along with many other practitioners. His execution was scheduled for midnight, and so from 11:00PM until 1:00AM I played this beautiful tape called "Two Mantras," and recited the mantras being sung by the artist in an almost angelic tone.

Focusing on the light I remembered in Tom's eye, I chanted the verse on page 215 of the book which states, "Through your blessing, grace, and guidance, through the power of light that streams from you: May all your negative karma, destructive emotions, obscurations, and blockages be purified and removed, may you know yourself forgiven for all harm you may have thought and done, may I accomplish this profound practice of Phowa for you Tom, may you die a good and peaceful death, and through the triumph of your death, may you be able to benefit all other beings, living and dead."

The interesting thing about that night, and it will always stick in my mind was; many times during that practice, I could see rays of light and feel them flowing all through this giant building, which was probably built over a hundred years ago. I always felt this place haunted, but after the night of Tom's death, I'm sure of it.

I came to the conclusion that, not only was Tom blessed that night, but many other tormented beings found their way out the Bardos because of Tom's sacrifice.

Since then, I've come to just kinda' go with the flow of my life. My daughters and grandkids are still struggling with making ends meet, like many people in the free world today, and I'm still trying to be there for them from here, which is a hat trick in itself.

All my good friends are still amazing, as usual, and life goes on. Football season started and my favorite team signed this new place kicker. I can't help but smile because when they mention his name, everyone on this side of the country who's watching the same game that day hears it. I'm sure no one sees the correlation, so I just smile to myself and reflect. You see, the new place kicker for the San Francisco 49ers is named "Thomas Thompson."

Glenn Cornwell, 1998, California.

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55+ Touching Poems About Death of a Friend

Luckily, we don’t think about death all the time.  Perhaps this is one of the reasons why the death of a loved one is always a shock that echoes into unbearable pain in our hearts.

Even if the loss seems impossible to you now, just think for a moment about the healing that art brings.  We hope our collection of touching poems about death of a friend brings you comfort.

For ease of reference, we have organized this collection by themes:

Famous Poems About Death of a Friend

Modern poems about death of a friend, inspirational poems about death of a friend, sad poems about death of a friend, humorous poems about death of a friend, short poems about death of a friend.

Many famous writers and poets wrote about death, which is perhaps unsurprising given the universality of the theme.  Their beautiful words could apply to the death of any loved one, including a close and cherished friend.

Epitaph on My Own Friend

By Robert Burns

An honest man here lies at rest, As e’er God with His image blest: The friend of man, the friend of truth; The friend of age, and guide of youth: Few hearts like his, with virtue warm’d, Few heads with knowledge so inform’d: If there’s another world, he lives in bliss; If there is none, he made the best of this.

She Walks in Beauty

By Lord Byron

She walks in beauty, like the night Of cloudless climes and starry skies; And all that’s best of dark and bright Meet in her aspect and her eyes; Thus mellowed to that tender light Which heaven to gaudy day denies.

One shade the more, one ray the less, Had half impaired the nameless grace Which waves in every raven tress, Or softly lightens o’er her face; Where thoughts serenely sweet express, How pure, how dear their dwelling-place.

And on that cheek, and o’er that brow, So soft, so calm, yet eloquent, The smiles that win, the tints that glow, But tell of days in goodness spent, A mind at peace with all below, A heart whose love is innocent!

On the Death of Anne Bronte

By Charlotte Bronte

There’s little joy in life for me, And little terror in the grave; I’ve lived the parting hour to see Of one I would have died to save.

Calmly to watch the failing breath, Wishing each sigh might be the last; Longing to see the shade of death O’er those beloved features cast.

The cloud, the stillness that must part The darling of my life from me; And then to thank God from my heart To thank Him well and fervently;

Although I knew that we had lost The hope and glory of our life; And now, benighted, tempest-tossed, Must bear alone the weary strife.

By Kahlil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke, saying, We would ask now of Death. And he said: You would know the secret of death. But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life? The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light. If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life. For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one. In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond; And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring. Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity. Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour. Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king? Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling? For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun? And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered? Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing. And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

Consolation

By Robert Louis Stevenson

Though he, that ever kind and true, Kept stoutly step by step with you, Your whole long, gusty lifetime through, Be gone a while before, Be now a moment gone before, Yet, doubt not, soon the seasons shall restore Your friend to you.

He has but turned the corner — still He pushes on with right good will, Through mire and marsh, by heugh and hill, That self-same arduous way — That self-same upland, hopeful way, That you and he through many a doubtful day Attempted still.

He is not dead, this friend — not dead, But in the path we mortals tread Got some few, trifling steps ahead And nearer to the end; So that you too, once past the bend, Shall meet again, as face to face, this friend You fancy dead.

Push gaily on, strong heart! The while You travel forward mile by mile, He loiters with a backward smile Till you can overtake, And strains his eyes to search his wake, Or whistling, as he sees you through the brake, Waits on a stile.

By Ralph Waldo Emerson

To laugh often and love much; to win the respect of intelligent persons and the affection of children; to earn the approbation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to give of oneself; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or redeemed social condition; to have played and laughed with enthusiasm and sung with exultation; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived— this is to have succeeded.

Life, believe, is not a dream So dark as sages say; Oft a little morning rain Foretells a pleasant day. Sometimes there are clouds of gloom, But these are transient all; If the shower will make the roses bloom, O why lament its fall? Rapidly, merrily, Life’s sunny hours flit by, Gratefully, cheerily Enjoy them as they fly! What though Death at times steps in, And calls our Best away? What though sorrow seems to win, O’er hope, a heavy sway? Yet Hope again elastic springs, Unconquered, though she fell; Still buoyant are her golden wings, Still strong to bear us well. Manfully, fearlessly, The day of trial bear, For gloriously, victoriously, Can courage quell despair!

Crossing the Bar

By Lord Alfred Tennyson

Sunset and evening star, And one clear call for me! And may there be no moaning of the bar, When I put out to sea;

But such a tide as moving seems asleep, Too full for sound and foam, When that which drew from out the boundless deep, Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell, And after that the dark! And may there be no sadness of farewell, When I embark.

For tho’ from out our bourne of time and place The flood may bear me far, I hope to see my Pilot face to face, When I have crossed the bar.

By James Whitcomb Riley

I cannot say, and I will not say That he is dead. He is just away! With a cheery smile, and a wave of the hand He has wandered into an unknown land, And left us dreaming how very fair It needs must be, since he lingers there. And you, O you, who the wildest yearn For the old-time step and the glad return, Think of him faring on, as dear In the love of There as the love of Here; And loyal still, as he gave the blows Of his warrior-strength to his country’s foes. Mild and gentle, as he was brave, When the sweetest love of his life he gave To simple things: Where the violets grew Blue as the eyes they were likened to, The touches of his hands have strayed As reverently as his lips have prayed: When the little brown thrush that harshly chirred Was dear to him as the mocking-bird; And he pitied as much as a man in pain A writhing honey-bee wet with rain. Think of him still as the same, I say: He is not dead, he is just away!

Because I Couldn’t Stop for Death

By Emily Dickinson

Because I could not stop for Death – He kindly stopped for me – The Carriage held but just Ourselves – And Immortality.

We slowly drove – He knew no haste And I had put away My labor and my leisure too, For His Civility –

We passed the School, where Children strove At Recess – in the Ring – We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain – We passed the Setting Sun –

Or rather – He passed Us – The Dews drew quivering and Chill – For only Gossamer, my Gown – My Tippet – only Tulle –

We paused before a House that seemed A Swelling of the Ground – The Roof was scarcely visible – The Cornice – in the Ground –

Since then – ’tis Centuries – and yet Feels shorter than the Day I first surmised the Horses’ Heads Were toward Eternity –

By Edgar Allan Poe

Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore — While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. “’Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door — Only this and nothing more.”

Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December; And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost upon the floor. Eagerly I wished the morrow;— vainly I had sought to borrow From my books surcease of sorrow — sorrow for the lost Lenore — For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore — Nameless here for evermore.

And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain Thrilled me — filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before; So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating “’Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door — Some late visitor entreating entrance at my chamber door; — This it is and nothing more.”

Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer, “Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door, That I scarce was sure I heard you” — here I opened wide the door; — Darkness there and nothing more.

Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before; But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered word, “Lenore?” This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word, “Lenore!” — Merely this and nothing more.

Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. “Surely,” said I, “surely that is something at my window lattice; Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore — Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; — ’Tis the wind and nothing more!”

Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore; Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door — Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door — Perched, and sat, and nothing more.

Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore, “Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou,” I said, “art sure no craven, Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore — Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night’s Plutonian shore!” Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

Much I marvelled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, Though its answer little meaning—little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being Ever yet was blessed with seeing bird above his chamber door — Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door, With such name as “Nevermore.”

But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour. Nothing farther then he uttered—not a feather then he fluttered — Till I scarcely more than muttered “Other friends have flown before — On the morrow he will leave me, as my Hopes have flown before.” Then the bird said “Nevermore.”

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken, “Doubtless,” said I, “what it utters is its only stock and store Caught from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore — Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore Of ‘Never — nevermore’.”

But the Raven still beguiling all my fancy into smiling, Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door; Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore — What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt, and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking “Nevermore.”

This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom’s core; This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining On the cushion’s velvet lining that the lamp-light gloated o’er, But whose velvet-violet lining with the lamp-light gloating o’er, She shall press, ah, nevermore!

Then, methought, the air grew denser, perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose foot-falls tinkled on the tufted floor. “Wretch,” I cried, “thy God hath lent thee — by these angels he hath sent thee Respite — respite and nepenthe from thy memories of Lenore; Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!” Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! — Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted — On this home by Horror haunted — tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilead? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

“Prophet!” said I, “thing of evil! — prophet still, if bird or devil! By that Heaven that bends above us — by that God we both adore — Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn, It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore — Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore.” Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

“Be that word our sign of parting, bird or fiend!” I shrieked, upstarting — “Get thee back into the tempest and the Night’s Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken! — quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!” Quoth the Raven “Nevermore.”

And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon’s that is dreaming, And the lamp-light o’er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted — nevermore!

Death Is Nothing at All

By Henry Scott Holland

Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. What is this death but a negligible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

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Do Not Go Gentle into That Good Night

By Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night, Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right, Because their words had forked no lightning they Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight, And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way, Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay, Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height, Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray. Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Gone from My Sight

By Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side, spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, “There, she is gone.”

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast, hull and spar as she was when she left my side. And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port. Her diminished size is in me — not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, “There, she is gone,” there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, “Here she comes!”

And that is dying…

O, Captain! My Captain!

By Walt Whitman

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done, The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won, The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting, While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring; But O heart! heart! heart! O the bleeding drops of red, Where on the deck my Captain lies, Fallen cold and dead.

O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells; Rise up — for you the flag is flung — for you the bugle trills, For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths — for you the shores a-crowding, For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning; Here Captain! dear father! This arm beneath your head! It is some dream that on the deck, You’ve fallen cold and dead.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still, My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will, The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done, From fearful trip the victor ship comes in with object won; Exult O shores, and ring O bells! But I with mournful tread, Walk the deck my Captain lies, Fallen cold and dead.

Elegy Written in a Country Churchyard

By Thomas Gray

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day, The lowing herd wind slowly o’er the lea, The plowman homeward plods his weary way, And leaves the world to darkness and to me.

Now fades the glimm’ring landscape on the sight, And all the air a solemn stillness holds, Save where the beetle wheels his droning flight, And drowsy tinklings lull the distant folds;

Save that from yonder ivy-mantled tow’r The moping owl does to the moon complain Of such, as wand’ring near her secret bow’r, Molest her ancient solitary reign.

Beneath those rugged elms, that yew-tree’s shade, Where heaves the turf in many a mould’ring heap, Each in his narrow cell for ever laid, The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep.

The breezy call of incense-breathing Morn, The swallow twitt’ring from the straw-built shed, The cock’s shrill clarion, or the echoing horn, No more shall rouse them from their lowly bed.

For them no more the blazing hearth shall burn, Or busy housewife ply her evening care: No children run to lisp their sire’s return, Or climb his knees the envied kiss to share.

Oft did the harvest to their sickle yield, Their furrow oft the stubborn glebe has broke; How jocund did they drive their team afield! How bow’d the woods beneath their sturdy stroke!

Let not Ambition mock their useful toil, Their homely joys, and destiny obscure; Nor Grandeur hear with a disdainful smile The short and simple annals of the poor.

The boast of heraldry, the pomp of pow’r, And all that beauty, all that wealth e’er gave, Awaits alike th’ inevitable hour. The paths of glory lead but to the grave.

Nor you, ye proud, impute to these the fault, If Mem’ry o’er their tomb no trophies raise, Where thro’ the long-drawn aisle and fretted vault The pealing anthem swells the note of praise.

Can storied urn or animated bust Back to its mansion call the fleeting breath? Can Honour’s voice provoke the silent dust, Or Flatt’ry soothe the dull cold ear of Death?

Perhaps in this neglected spot is laid Some heart once pregnant with celestial fire; Hands, that the rod of empire might have sway’d, Or wak’d to ecstasy the living lyre.

But Knowledge to their eyes her ample page Rich with the spoils of time did ne’er unroll; Chill Penury repress’d their noble rage, And froze the genial current of the soul.

Full many a gem of purest ray serene, The dark unfathom’d caves of ocean bear: Full many a flow’r is born to blush unseen, And waste its sweetness on the desert air.

Some village-Hampden, that with dauntless breast The little tyrant of his fields withstood; Some mute inglorious Milton here may rest, Some Cromwell guiltless of his country’s blood.

Th’ applause of list’ning senates to command, The threats of pain and ruin to despise, To scatter plenty o’er a smiling land, And read their hist’ry in a nation’s eyes.

Their lot forbade: nor circumscrib’d alone Their growing virtues, but their crimes confin’d; Forbade to wade through slaughter to a throne, And shut the gates of mercy on mankind.

The struggling pangs of conscious truth to hide, To quench the blushes of ingenuous shame, Or heap the shrine of Luxury and Pride With incense kindled at the Muse’s flame.

Far from the madding crowd’s ignoble strife, Their sober wishes never learn’d to stray; Along the cool sequester’d vale of life They kept the noiseless tenor of their way.

Yet ev’n these bones from insult to protect, Some frail memorial still erected nigh, With uncouth rhymes and shapeless sculpture deck’d, Implores the passing tribute of a sigh.

Their name, their years, spelt by th’ unletter’d muse, The place of fame and elegy supply: And many a holy text around she strews, That teach the rustic moralist to die.

For who to dumb Forgetfulness a prey, This pleasing anxious being e’er resign’d, Left the warm precincts of the cheerful day, Nor cast one longing, ling’ring look behind?

On some fond breast the parting soul relies, Some pious drops the closing eye requires; Ev’n from the tomb the voice of Nature cries, Ev’n in our ashes live their wonted fires.

For thee, who mindful of th’ unhonour’d Dead Dost in these lines their artless tale relate; If chance, by lonely contemplation led, Some kindred spirit shall inquire thy fate,

Haply some hoary-headed swain may say, “Oft have we seen him at the peep of dawn Brushing with hasty steps the dews away To meet the sun upon the upland lawn.

“There at the foot of yonder nodding beech That wreathes its old fantastic roots so high, His listless length at noontide would he stretch, And pore upon the brook that babbles by.

“Hard by yon wood, now smiling as in scorn, Mutt’ring his wayward fancies he would rove, Now drooping, woeful wan, like one forlorn, Or craz’d with care, or cross’d in hopeless love.

“One morn I miss’d him on the custom’d hill, Along the heath and near his fav’rite tree; Another came; nor yet beside the rill, Nor up the lawn, nor at the wood was he;

“The next with dirges due in sad array Slow thro’ the church-way path we saw him borne. Approach and read (for thou canst read) the lay, Grav’d on the stone beneath yon aged thorn.”

THE EPITAPH

Here rests his head upon the lap of Earth A youth to Fortune and to Fame unknown. Fair Science frown’d not on his humble birth, And Melancholy mark’d him for her own.

Large was his bounty, and his soul sincere, Heav’n did a recompense as largely send: He gave to Mis’ry all he had, a tear, He gain’d from Heav’n (’twas all he wish’d) a friend.

No farther seek his merits to disclose, Or draw his frailties from their dread abode, (There they alike in trembling hope repose) The bosom of his Father and his God.

Death Be Not Proud

By John Donne

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so; For those whom thou think’st thou dost overthrow Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me. From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be, Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow, And soonest our best men with thee do go, Rest of their bones, and soul’s delivery. Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men, And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell, And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well And better than thy stroke; why swell’st thou then? One short sleep past, we wake eternally And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

All Things Will Die

By Alfred Lord Tennyson

All Things will Die

Clearly the blue river chimes in its flowing Under my eye; Warmly and broadly the south winds are blowing Over the sky. One after another the white clouds are fleeting; Every heart this May morning in joyance is beating Full merrily; Yet all things must die. The stream will cease to flow; The wind will cease to blow; The clouds will cease to fleet; The heart will cease to beat; For all things must die. All things must die. Spring will come never more. O, vanity! Death waits at the door. See! our friends are all forsaking The wine and the merrymaking. We are call’d — we must go. Laid low, very low, In the dark we must lie. The merry glees are still; The voice of the bird Shall no more be heard, Nor the wind on the hill. O, misery! Hark! death is calling While I speak to ye, The jaw is falling, The red cheek paling, The strong limbs failing; Ice with the warm blood mixing; The eyeballs fixing. Nine times goes the passing bell: Ye merry souls, farewell. The old earth Had a birth, As all men know, Long ago. And the old earth must die. So let the warm winds range, And the blue wave beat the shore; For even and morn Ye will never see Thro’ eternity. All things were born. Ye will come never more, For all things must die.

By Oscar Wilde

Tread lightly, she is near Under the snow, Speak gently, she can hear The daisies grow. All her bright golden hair Tarnished with rust, She that was young and fair Fallen to dust. Lily-like, white as snow, She hardly knew She was a woman, so Sweetly she grew. Coffin-board, heavy stone, Lie on her breast, I vex my heart alone She is at rest. Peace, Peace, she cannot hear Lyre or sonnet, All my life’s buried here, Heap earth upon it.

These poems are more modern in writing style, and some would argue, more authentic in describing the human experience of death and loss.  We’re sure that you’ll find a meaningful poem to pay tribute to a special friend that you’ve lost.

By Joe Brainard

Death is a funny thing. Most people are afraid of it, and yet they don’t even know what it is. Perhaps we can clear this up. What is death? Death is it. That’s it. Finished. “Finito.” Over and out. No more. Death is many different things to many different people. I think it is safe to say, however, that most people don’t like it. Why? Because they are afraid of it. Why are they afraid of it? Because they don’t understand it. I think that the best way to try to understand death is to think about it a lot. Try to come to terms with it. Try to really understand it. Give it a chance! Sometimes it helps if we try to visualize things. Try to visualize, for example, someone sneaking up behind your back and hitting you over the head with a giant hammer. Some people prefer to think of death as a more spiritual thing. Where the soul somehow separates itself from the mess and goes on living forever somewhere else. Heaven and hell being the most traditional choices. Death has a very black reputation but, actually, to die is a perfectly normal thing to do. And it’s so wholesome: being a very important part of nature’s big picture. Trees die, don’t they? And flowers. I think it’s always nice to know that you are not alone. Even in death. Let’s think about ants for a minute. Millions of ants die every day, and do we care? No. And I’m sure that ants feel the same way about us. But suppose—just suppose—that we didn’t have to die. That wouldn’t be so great either. If a 90-year-old man can hardly stand up, can you imagine what it would be like to be 500 years old? Another comforting thought about death is that 80 years or so after you die nobody who knew you will still be alive to miss you. And after you’re dead, you won’t even know it.

It Was Like This: You Were Happy

By Jane Harshfield

It was like this: you were happy, then you were sad, then happy again, then not. It went on. You were innocent or you were guilty. Actions were taken, or not. At times you spoke, at other times you were silent. Mostly, it seems you were silent—what could you say? Now it is almost over. Like a lover, your life bends down and kisses your life. It does this not in forgiveness— between you, there is nothing to forgive— but with the simple nod of a baker at the moment he sees the bread is finished with transformation. Eating, too, is a thing now only for others. It doesn’t matter what they will make of you or your days: they will be wrong, they will miss the wrong woman, miss the wrong man, all the stories they tell will be tales of their own invention. Your story was this: you were happy, then you were sad, you slept, you awakened. Sometimes you ate roasted chestnuts, sometimes persimmons.

I Heard a Fly Buzz When I Died

I heard a Fly buzz – when I died — The Stillness in the Room Was like the Stillness in the Air — Between the Heaves of Storm —

The Eyes around – had wrung them dry — And Breaths were gathering firm For that last Onset – when the King Be witnessed — in the Room —

I willed my Keepsakes – Signed away What portion of me be Assignable — and then it was There interposed a Fly —

With Blue – uncertain – stumbling Buzz — Between the light — and me — And then the Windows failed — and then I could not see to see —

My God Is Full of Stars (Excerpt)

By Tracy K. Smith

We like to think of it as parallel to what we know, Only bigger. One man against the authorities. Or one man against a city of zombies. One man

Who is not, in fact, a man, sent to understand The caravan of men now chasing him like red ants Let loose down the pants of America. Man on the run.

Man with a ship to catch, a payload to drop, This message going out to all of space . … Though Maybe it’s more like life below the sea: silent,

Buoyant, bizarrely benign. Relics Of an outmoded design. Some like to imagine A cosmic mother watching through a spray of stars,

Mouthing yes, yes as we toddle toward the light, Biting her lip if we teeter at some ledge. Longing To sweep us to her breast, she hopes for the best

While the father storms through adjacent rooms Ranting with the force of Kingdom Come, Not caring anymore what might snap us in its jaw.

Sometimes, what I see is a library in a rural community. All the tall shelves in the big open room. And the pencils In a cup at Circulation, gnawed on by the entire population.

The books have lived here all along, belonging For weeks at a time to one or another in the brief sequence Of family names, speaking (at night mostly) to a face,

A pair of eyes. The most remarkable lies.

Lady Lazarus

By Sylvia Plath

I have done it again. One year in every ten I manage it —

A sort of walking miracle, my skin Bright as a Nazi lampshade, My right foot

A paperweight, My face a featureless, fine Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin O my enemy. Do I terrify? —

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth? The sour breath Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh The grave cave ate will be At home on me

And I a smiling woman. I am only thirty. And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three. What a trash To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments. The peanut-crunching crowd Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot — The big strip tease. Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands My knees. I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman. The first time it happened I was ten. It was an accident.

The second time I meant To last it out and not come back at all. I rocked shut

As a seashell. They had to call and call And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying Is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I’ve a call.

It’s easy enough to do it in a cell. It’s easy enough to do it and stay put. It’s the theatrical

Comeback in broad day To the same place, the same face, the same brute Amused shout:

‘A miracle!’ That knocks me out. There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge For the hearing of my heart — It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge For a word or a touch Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes. So, so, Herr Doktor. So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus, I am your valuable, The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek. I turn and burn. Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash — You poke and stir. Flesh, bone, there is nothing there —

A cake of soap, A wedding ring, A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer Beware Beware.

Out of the ash I rise with my red hair And I eat men like air.

The Big Loser

By Max Ritvo

The guardian angel sits in the tree above the black lip of street the man walks down. He calls the man Cargo.

The angel sees a pinewood box in place of the man, and the street he walks is a boat, the hull like a coal crater.

Somewhere in the real world there is such a boat and box.

The angels call these overlays dreams, and believe they crop up because angels can’t sleep but want to?—

space falls apart when you have unlimited time.

What the Living Do

By Marie How

Johnny, the kitchen sink has been clogged for days, some utensil probably fell down there. And the Drano won’t work but smells dangerous, and the crusty dishes have piled up waiting for the plumber I still haven’t called. This is the everyday we spoke of. It’s winter again: the sky’s a deep, headstrong blue, and the sunlight pours through the open living-room windows because the heat’s on too high in here and I can’t turn it off. For weeks now, driving, or dropping a bag of groceries in the street, the bag breaking, I’ve been thinking: This is what the living do. And yesterday, hurrying along those wobbly bricks in the Cambridge sidewalk, spilling my coffee down my wrist and sleeve, I thought it again, and again later, when buying a hairbrush: This is it. Parking. Slamming the car door shut in the cold. What you called that yearning. What you finally gave up. We want the spring to come and the winter to pass. We want whoever to call or not call, a letter, a kiss—we want more and more and then more of it. But there are moments, walking, when I catch a glimpse of myself in the window glass, say, the window of the corner video store, and I’m gripped by a cherishing so deep for my own blowing hair, chapped face, and unbuttoned coat that I’m speechless: I am living. I remember you.

By Mark Doty

Peter died in a paper tiara cut from a book of princess paper dolls; he loved royalty, sashes and jewels. I don’t know, he said, when he woke in the hospice, I was watching the Bette Davis film festival on Channel 57 and then — At the wake, the tension broke when someone guessed the casket closed because he was in there in a big wig and heels, and someone said, You know he’s always late, he probably isn’t here yet — he’s still fixing his makeup. And someone said he asked for it. Asked for it — when all he did was go down into the salt tide of wanting as much as he wanted, giving himself over so drunk or stoned it almost didn’t matter who, though they were beautiful, stampeding into him in the simple, ravishing music of their hurry. I think heaven is perfect stasis poised over the realms of desire, where dreaming and waking men lie on the grass while wet horses roam among them, huge fragments of the music we die into in the body’s paradise. Sometimes we wake not knowing how we came to lie here, or who has crowned us with these temporary, precious stones. And given the world’s perfectly turned shoulders, the deep hollows blued by longing, given the irreplaceable silk of horses rippling in orchards, fruit thundering and chiming down, given the ordinary marvels of form and gravity, what could he do, what could any of us ever do but ask for it.

These poems reflect on the beauty of life. They are ideal for bringing a ray of light and hope in times of loss. They contain very touching passages to remember beautiful moments that happened during your relationship with your friend.

Farewell My Friends

By Rabindranath Tagore

Good friends, Friends who stood by me Even when time raced me by. Farewell, farewell, my friends I smile and Bid you goodbye. No, shed no tears For I need them not All I need is your smile. If you feel sad Do think of me For that’s what I’ll like When you live in the hearts Of those you love Remember then You never die.

When I Am Dead, My Dearest

By Christina Rossetti

When I am dead, my dearest, Sing no sad songs for me; Plant thou no roses at my head, Nor shady cypress tree: Be the green grass above me With showers and dewdrops wet; And if thou wilt, remember, And if thou wilt, forget.

I shall not see the shadows, I shall not feel the rain; I shall not hear the nightingale Sing on, as if in pain: And dreaming through the twilight That doth not rise nor set, Haply I may remember, And haply may forget.

She is Gone

By David Harkins

You can shed tears that she is gone Or you can smile because she has lived You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left Your heart can be empty because you can’t see her Or you can be full of the love that you shared You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday You can remember her and only that she is gone Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back Or you can do what she would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

By Mary Elizabeth Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow, I am the diamond glints on snow, I am the sun on ripened grain, I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning’s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry, I am not there; I did not die.

By Thomas Bailey Aldrich

I held his letter in my hand, And even while I read The lightning flashed across the land The word that he was dead.

How strange it seemed! His living voice Was speaking from the page Those courteous phrases, tersely choice, Light-hearted, witty, sage.

I wondered what it was that died! The man himself was here, His modesty, his scholar’s pride, His soul serene and clear.

These neither death nor time shall dim, Still this sad thing must be — Henceforth I may not speak to him, Though he can speak to me!

When Great Trees Fall

By Maya Angelou

When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety. When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear. When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We breathe, briefly. Our eyes, briefly, see with a hurtful clarity. Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid, promised walks never taken. Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our souls, dependent upon their nurture, now shrink, wizened. Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance,? fall away. We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance? of dark, cold caves. And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.

The Sailing Ship

By Bishop Charles Henry Brent

What is dying? I am standing on the seashore. A ship sails to the morning breeze and starts for the ocean. She is an object and I stand watching her Till at last she fades from the horizon, And someone at my side says, “She is gone!” Gone where? Gone from my sight, that is all; She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her, And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination. The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her; And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “She is gone”, There are others who are watching her coming, And other voices take up a glad shout, “There she comes” – and that is dying.

I Don’t Believe in Death

By Pauline Webb

I don’t believe in death Who comes in silent stealth He robs us only of a breath Not of a lifetime’s wealth I don’t believe the tomb Imprisons us in earth It’s but another loving womb Preparing our new birth I do believe in life Empowered from above Till freed from stress and worldly strife We soar through realms above I do believe that then In joy that never ends We’ll meet all those we’ve loved, again And celebrate our friends.

By Philip Larkin

The mower stalled, twice; kneeling, I found A hedgehog jammed up against the blades, Killed. It had been in the long grass.

I had seen it before, and even fed it, once. Now I had mauled its unobtrusive world Unmendably.  Burial was no help.

Next morning I got up and it did not. The first day after a death, the new absence Is always the same; we should be careful

Of each other, we should be kind While there is still time.

This collection of melancholy poems make us appreciate the present moment with our loved ones.  While they are written through the prism of loss and grief, there is still gratitude for the gift of friendship.

Walking with Grief

A Celtic Prayer

Do not hurry as you walk with grief; it does not help the journey. Walk slowly, pausing often: do not hurry as you walk with grief. Be not disturbed by memories that come unbidden. Swiftly forgive; and let Christ speak for you unspoken words. Unfinished conversation will be resolved in Him. Be not disturbed. Be gentle with the one who walks with grief. If it is you, be gentle with yourself. Swiftly forgive; walk slowly, pausing often. Take time, be gentle as you walk with grief.

By Christina Rosetti

Remember me when I am gone away, Gone far away into the silent land; When you can no more hold me by the hand, Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay. Remember me when no more day by day You tell me of our future that you plann’d: Only remember me; you understand It will be late to counsel then or pray. Yet if you should forget me for a while And afterwards remember, do not grieve: For if the darkness and corruption leave A vestige of the thoughts that once I had, Better by far you should forget and smile Than that you should remember and be sad.

God’s Garden

By Katie Evans

God looked around his garden And found an empty place, He then looked down upon the earth And saw your tired face. He put his arms around you And lifted you to rest. God’s garden must be beautiful He always takes the best. He knew that you were suffering He knew you were in pain. He knew that you would never Get well on earth again. He saw the road was getting rough And the hills were hard to climb. So he closed your weary eyelids And whispered, ‘Peace bethine’. It broke our hearts to lose you But you didn’t go alone, For part of us went with you The day God called you home.

By Lucy Berry

What’s a good death? Good about death? Good about saying goodbye to breath? I am your land. You are my sky. How shall we speak a world’s goodbye? How make good the cosmic ache Of universes going to break? How make good the final kiss, The final friend, the final bliss? How make good the final sight Of final day forever night? You quit the form I slept so near. And still you’re dear. But am I, dear?

Time Does Not Bring Relief

By Edna St. Vincent Millay

Time does not bring relief; you all have lied Who told me time would ease me of my pain! I miss him in the weeping of the rain; I want him at the shrinking of the tide; The old snows melt from every mountain-side, And last year’s leaves are smoke in every lane; But last year’s bitter loving must remain Heaped on my heart, and my old thoughts abide. There are a hundred places where I fear To go, — so with his memory they brim. And entering with relief some quiet place Where never fell his foot or shone his face I say, “There is no memory of him here!” And so stand stricken, so remembering him.

Come to me in the silence of the night; Come in the speaking silence of a dream; Come with soft rounded cheeks and eyes as bright As sunlight on a stream; Come back in tears, O memory, hope, love of finished years.

Oh dream how sweet, too sweet, too bitter sweet, Whose wakening should have been in Paradise, Where souls brimfull of love abide and meet; Where thirsting longing eyes Watch the slow door That opening, letting in, lets out no more.

Yet come to me in dreams, that I may live My very life again tho’ cold in death: Come back to me in dreams, that I may give Pulse for pulse, breath for breath: Speak low, lean low, As long ago, my love, how long ago.

By Lady Jane Wilde

There was a star that lit my life It hath set to rise no more, For Heaven, in mercy, withdrew the light I fain would have knelt before.

There was a flower I pluck’d in my dreams, Fragrant and fair to see; Oh, would I had never awoke and found Such bloom not here for me.

There was a harp, whose magic tone, Echoed my faintest words But Destiny’s hand, with a ruthless touch, Hath rent the golden chords. There was a path like Eden’s vale, In which I was spell’d to stray, But Destiny rose with a flaming sword To guard that path alway.

I’ve looked on eyes were like the star Their light is quench’d for me; And a soul I have known like the golden harp That breath’d but melody.

And moments bright as that dream-land Where bloomed the radiant flower. Oh! would I had died ere I felt the gloom Of this dark, joyless hour.

Fatal the time I rais’d mine eyes To eyes whose light hath blasted Yet ere I could turn from their glance away, Life had with gazing wasted.

Bitter the thought that years may pass Yet thus it must be ever, To look on thy form, to hear thy voice But nearer — never, never.

Could I but love as I love the stars, Or the gush of the twilight breeze, Or the pale light of the wandering moon Glancing through forest trees;

With a sinless, calm, untroubled love, Look upwards and adore Could I but thus gaze life away, Without the wish to soar.

In vain! in vain! I hope, I weep, I kneel the long nights in prayer Oh! better to die in the noon of life, Than love, and yet despair.

This series of poems about death are full of gentle humour, the perfect tribute for a friend who loved to have a good laugh.

Last Will and Testament

By Max Scratchmann

I suppose, one day, I will be dead and go to meet my maker, So have this note set in my hand, there for the undertaker, Don’t dress me in a shroud of white or rouge my cheeks all red, It is not right, to look a fright, e’en though you’re stone cold dead. Give me a brand new five pound note and a Visa credit card, I want to buy a proper plot in old St Peter’s yard, And as I sit upon my cloud and look down at the earth, I’ll watch you use my worldly goods for festival and mirth, And that will make me smile a smile, and have a laugh quite hearty, To hear you say, the bugger’s dead, let’s have ourselves a party.

Pardon Me for Not Getting Up

By Kelly Roper

Oh dear, if you’re reading this right now, I must have given up the ghost. I hope you can forgive me for being Such a stiff and unwelcoming host. Just talk amongst yourself my friends, And share a toast or two. For I am sure you will remember well How I loved to drink with you. Don’t worry about mourning me, I was never easy to offend. Feel free to share a story at my expense And we’ll have a good laugh at the end.

Sometimes, less is more.  This collection of short poems are relevant when a friend has died.  They are short, but sweet.

Under the wide and starry sky, Dig the grave and let me lie. Glad did I live and gladly die, And I laid me down with a will. This be the verse you grave for me: Here he lies where he longed to be; Home is the sailor, home from sea, And the hunter home from the hill.

Warm Summer Sun

Warm summer sun, Shine kindly here, Warm southern wind, Blow softly here. Green sod above, Lie light, lie light. Good night, dear heart, Good night, good night.

There is No Light Without a Dawning

By Helen Steiner Rice

No winter without a spring And beyond the dark horizon Our hearts will once more sing… For those who leave us for a while Have only gone away Out of a restless, care worn world Into a brighter day

Turn Again to Life

By Marry Hall

If I should die and leave you here a while, Be not like others sore undone, Who keep long vigil by the silent dust. For my sake turn again to life and smile, Nerving thy heart and trembling hand to do Something to comfort other hearts than thine. Complete these dear unfinished tasks of mine And I perchance may therein comfort you.

The Bustle in a House

The Bustle in a House The Morning after Death Is solemnest of industries Enacted upon Earth –

The Sweeping up the Heart And putting Love away We shall not want to use again Until Eternity –

Nothing Gold Can Stay

By Robert Frost

Nature’s first green is gold, Her hardest hue to hold. Her early leaf’s a flower; But only so an hour. Then leaf subsides to leaf. So Eden sank to grief, So dawn goes down to day. Nothing gold can stay.

All Nature Has a Feeling

By John Clare

All nature has a feeling: woods, fields, brooks Are life eternal: and in silence they Speak happiness beyond the reach of books; There’s nothing mortal in them; their decay Is the green life of change; to pass away And come again in blooms revivified. Its birth was heaven, eternal it its stay, And with the sun and moon shall still abide Beneath their day and night and heaven wide.

If I Should Go

By Joyce Grenfell

If I should go before the rest of you Break not a flower nor inscribe a stone Nor when I’m gone speak in a Sunday voice But be the usual selves that I have known Weep if you must Parting is Hell But life goes on So sing as well.

Additional Resources

Did you know that Love Lives On has a comprehensive library of articles on funeral planning, grieving, and celebrating your loved one’s life in unique ways?

Here are some other popular posts on our website:

• Practical advice on what to wear to a funeral
• Learn about the 5 stages of grief and how to cope
• Best examples to inspire you when writing a eulogy
• 100+ celebration of life ideas
• Ultimate collection of sad songs for when you need a good cry

About the Poetry Curator

This beautiful collection of poems about death of a friend was kindly provided by Anna Medina.

Anna is a specialist in different types of writing.  She graduated from the Interpreters Department, but creative writing became her favourite type of work.  Now she improves her skills while working as a speciality at writing service review websites Pick the Writer and Writing Judge to assist a lot of students all over the world and has free time for other work, as well.  She always does her best with her writing.  She also offers training and assistance and basic writing tips for students all over the world.

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College essay topic- losing a loved one Answered

Is it a good idea to write about losing a loved one. That event really impacted me, and changed me as a person. Should I write about it ? I feel confused about how to structure my essay

Earn karma by helping others:

Hi! This is a great question!

You can certainly write about losing a loved one and how it changed you. But I have to warn you about one thing. College essays are meant for you to reveal an aspect of you that the admission officers can't see from your academics. I am saying this because a lot of students will write an essay about losing a loved one but instead of reflecting on how it impacted them, they just end up writing a biography of the person itself. Colleges don't want a person's biography; they want to know more about you. So, in your essay, you can briefly talk about the death of the loved one but quickly transition into a reflection of how that event has changed you. Make sure to include specific feelings, thoughts, and anecdotes in your essay to make it come alive.

I am sorry for your loss and good luck with your essay!

Thank you for the sweet message. That's actually very thoughtful. Sometimes we get diverted from the main topic, I will keep that advice in mind

Your welcome!! I also want to say that colleges receive a lots of these types of essays about the death of a loved one. I want emphasize here again the importance of using personal stories, thoughts, etc to make this essay unique and personal to you. Avoid using general sentences and diction. Good luck!

Yes thank you, will keep that in mind. Are you in clg ?

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• Death And Dying

8 Popular Essays About Death, Grief & the Afterlife

Updated 05/4/2022

Published 07/19/2021

Joe Oliveto, BA in English

Contributing writer

Cake values integrity and transparency. We follow a strict editorial process to provide you with the best content possible. We also may earn commission from purchases made through affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, we earn from qualifying purchases. Learn more in our affiliate disclosure .

Death is a strange topic for many reasons, one of which is the simple fact that different people can have vastly different opinions about discussing it.

Jump ahead to these sections: 

Essays or articles about the death of a loved one, essays or articles about dealing with grief, essays or articles about the afterlife or near-death experiences.

Some fear death so greatly they don’t want to talk about it at all. However, because death is a universal human experience, there are also those who believe firmly in addressing it directly. This may be more common now than ever before due to the rise of the death positive movement and mindset.

You might believe there’s something to be gained from talking and learning about death. If so, reading essays about death, grief, and even near-death experiences can potentially help you begin addressing your own death anxiety. This list of essays and articles is a good place to start. The essays here cover losing a loved one, dealing with grief, near-death experiences, and even what someone goes through when they know they’re dying.

Losing a close loved one is never an easy experience. However, these essays on the topic can help someone find some meaning or peace in their grief.

1. ‘I’m Sorry I Didn’t Respond to Your Email, My Husband Coughed to Death Two Years Ago’ by Rachel Ward

Rachel Ward’s essay about coping with the death of her husband isn’t like many essays about death. It’s very informal, packed with sarcastic humor, and uses an FAQ format. However, it earns a spot on this list due to the powerful way it describes the process of slowly finding joy in life again after losing a close loved one.

Ward’s experience is also interesting because in the years after her husband’s death, many new people came into her life unaware that she was a widow. Thus, she often had to tell these new people a story that’s painful but unavoidable. This is a common aspect of losing a loved one that not many discussions address.

2. ‘Everything I know about a good death I learned from my cat’ by Elizabeth Lopatto

Not all great essays about death need to be about human deaths! In this essay, author Elizabeth Lopatto explains how watching her beloved cat slowly die of leukemia and coordinating with her vet throughout the process helped her better understand what a “good death” looks like.

For instance, she explains how her vet provided a degree of treatment but never gave her false hope (for instance, by claiming her cat was going to beat her illness). They also worked together to make sure her cat was as comfortable as possible during the last stages of her life instead of prolonging her suffering with unnecessary treatments.

Lopatto compares this to the experiences of many people near death. Sometimes they struggle with knowing how to accept death because well-meaning doctors have given them the impression that more treatments may prolong or even save their lives, when the likelihood of them being effective is slimmer than patients may realize.

Instead, Lopatto argues that it’s important for loved ones and doctors to have honest and open conversations about death when someone’s passing is likely near. This can make it easier to prioritize their final wishes instead of filling their last days with hospital visits, uncomfortable treatments, and limited opportunities to enjoy themselves.

3. ‘The terrorist inside my husband’s brain’ by Susan Schneider Williams

This article, which Susan Schneider Williams wrote after the death of her husband Robin Willians, covers many of the topics that numerous essays about the death of a loved one cover, such as coping with life when you no longer have support from someone who offered so much of it. 

However, it discusses living with someone coping with a difficult illness that you don’t fully understand, as well. The article also explains that the best way to honor loved ones who pass away after a long struggle is to work towards better understanding the illnesses that affected them. 

4. ‘Before I Go’ by Paul Kalanithi

“Before I Go” is a unique essay in that it’s about the death of a loved one, written by the dying loved one. Its author, Paul Kalanithi, writes about how a terminal cancer diagnosis has changed the meaning of time for him.

Kalanithi describes believing he will die when his daughter is so young that she will likely never have any memories of him. As such, each new day brings mixed feelings. On the one hand, each day gives him a new opportunity to see his daughter grow, which brings him joy. On the other hand, he must struggle with knowing that every new day brings him closer to the day when he’ll have to leave her life.

Coping with grief can be immensely challenging. That said, as the stories in these essays illustrate, it is possible to manage grief in a positive and optimistic way.

5. Untitled by Sheryl Sandberg

This piece by Sheryl Sandberg, Facebook’s current CEO, isn’t a traditional essay or article. It’s actually a long Facebook post. However, many find it’s one of the best essays about death and grief anyone has published in recent years.

She posted it on the last day of sheloshim for her husband, a period of 30 days involving intense mourning in Judaism. In the post, Sandberg describes in very honest terms how much she learned from those 30 days of mourning, admitting that she sometimes still experiences hopelessness, but has resolved to move forward in life productively and with dignity.

She explains how she wanted her life to be “Option A,” the one she had planned with her husband. However, because that’s no longer an option, she’s decided the best way to honor her husband’s memory is to do her absolute best with “Option B.”

This metaphor actually became the title of her next book. Option B , which Sandberg co-authored with Adam Grant, a psychologist at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania, is already one of the most beloved books about death , grief, and being resilient in the face of major life changes. It may strongly appeal to anyone who also appreciates essays about death as well.

6. ‘My Own Life’ by Oliver Sacks

Grief doesn’t merely involve grieving those we’ve lost. It can take the form of the grief someone feels when they know they’re going to die.

Renowned physician and author Oliver Sacks learned he had terminal cancer in 2015. In this essay, he openly admits that he fears his death. However, he also describes how knowing he is going to die soon provides a sense of clarity about what matters most. Instead of wallowing in his grief and fear, he writes about planning to make the very most of the limited time he still has.

Belief in (or at least hope for) an afterlife has been common throughout humanity for decades. Additionally, some people who have been clinically dead report actually having gone to the afterlife and experiencing it themselves.

Whether you want the comfort that comes from learning that the afterlife may indeed exist, or you simply find the topic of near-death experiences interesting, these are a couple of short articles worth checking out.

7. ‘My Experience in a Coma’ by Eben Alexander

“My Experience in a Coma” is a shortened version of the narrative Dr. Eben Alexander shared in his book, Proof of Heaven . Alexander’s near-death experience is unique, as he’s a medical doctor who believes that his experience is (as the name of his book suggests) proof that an afterlife exists. He explains how at the time he had this experience, he was clinically braindead, and therefore should not have been able to consciously experience anything.

Alexander describes the afterlife in much the same way many others who’ve had near-death experiences describe it. He describes starting out in an “unresponsive realm” before a spinning white light that brought with it a musical melody transported him to a valley of abundant plant life, crystal pools, and angelic choirs. He states he continued to move from one realm to another, each realm higher than the last, before reaching the realm where the infinite love of God (which he says is not the “god” of any particular religion) overwhelmed him.

8. “One Man's Tale of Dying—And Then Waking Up” by Paul Perry

The author of this essay recounts what he considers to be one of the strongest near-death experience stories he’s heard out of the many he’s researched and written about over the years. The story involves Dr. Rajiv Parti, who claims his near-death experience changed his views on life dramatically.

Parti was highly materialistic before his near-death experience. During it, he claims to have been given a new perspective, realizing that life is about more than what his wealth can purchase. He returned from the experience with a permanently changed outlook.

This is common among those who claim to have had near-death experiences. Often, these experiences leave them kinder, more understanding, more spiritual, and less materialistic.

This short article is a basic introduction to Parti’s story. He describes it himself in greater detail in the book Dying to Wake Up , which he co-wrote with Paul Perry, the author of the article.

Essays About Death: Discussing a Difficult Topic

It’s completely natural and understandable to have reservations about discussing death. However, because death is unavoidable, talking about it and reading essays and books about death instead of avoiding the topic altogether is something that benefits many people. Sometimes, the only way to cope with something frightening is to address it.

Categories:

• Coping With Grief

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