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Chapter 11 Presentation Skills

11.1 Interpersonal Presentation Skills

Many people have very limiting beliefs about presentations and their own abilities to give one. Examining your skills, fears, and preferences is your first step in opening yourself up to reaching your full potential as a presenter.

Your voice is a powerful communication tool, and how you use it can make or break your presentation. In this chapter you will learn about how you use verbal elements of presentation by examining techniques like pitch, volume, and pronunciation, among others.

Your non-verbal cues like gestures, facial expressions, and posture can punctuate and strengthen your message or do the opposite. You will learn about these non-verbal elements and have a chance to see how you use them in conjunction with your verbal cues by recording and examining a practice presentation.

After combining all of these elements, you will have a better understanding of who you are as a presenter and what you can bring to the table to develop your presentation strategy in the next chapter.

What Makes a Successful Speech or Presentation?

It’s important to remember that a successful speech or presentation depends on a number of factors. For our purposes we can boil them down to three main factors: the environment, the presenter, and the audience. The presenter is key to a successful presentation. The speaker must have planned the presentation to be engaging and easy to follow, and then must deliver it well to be clearly understood. Often people forget about the other two aspects. The audience is important to consider as well. How much do they already know? What is their interest in the subject? Do you want them to ask questions and be involved in the presentation? Finally, the environment is the third aspect to consider when planning a presentation. Speeches and presentations usually take place in controlled environments, so the environment aspect is often overlooked. But everything from technology failure to a room being too hot or too cold can thwart a presentation’s success. Using a room next to a noisy construction site can ruin even the most beautifully planned presentation. The environment affects both the speaker and the audience. You can’t have a successful speech or presentation without considering all three aspects: the presenter or speaker, the audience, and the environment.

The Speaker

According to longtime Toastmasters member Bob Kienzle, there are a few key elements that tend to make a successful speaker:

• Voice—Can the person be easily understood?
• Body Language—Does their body support what they’re saying? Are they confident?
• Coherent Structure—Does what they’re presenting make sense? Is it logical?
• Enthusiasm—Do they care about what they’re presenting?
• Expertise—Do they know what they’re talking about? Are they credible?
• Practice—If they haven’t practised or sufficiently prepared, it will likely show up in one or more of the above.

A successful speaker can be inspired by other speeches or speakers but may fall flat if they try to copy someone else. Authenticity and passion can resonate so much with an audience that it can outweigh elements otherwise considered pitfalls. The techniques, tools, and best practices are a guideline, and it’s important to note there is no such thing as perfection in public speaking. Failure can happen in a myriad of ways, but it’s more helpful to see them as learning opportunities, or opportunities to make a stronger connection to your audience.

The biggest failure, according to Kienzle, is to pass up opportunities to practise your skills in presenting or public speaking.

The Audience

One of the most anxiety-inducing areas of presenting or speech-making is being in front of the audience. Some people may feel more at ease with relatively small audiences of up to about 10 people. Others feel that 10 people is too intimate and actually feel more comfortable with impersonal numbers in the hundreds or thousands.

People often think of hostile audiences throwing tomatoes and yelling boos if the presenter makes the slightest mistake or slip of the tongue. But the truth is that most audiences desperately want you to succeed. They are overwhelmingly on your side. This means that in most situations they are very forgiving; they know being up there can be tough. If you make a mistake, you can apologize or laugh it off and keep going.

The audience is at least as involved in your presentation as you are. Awareness of yourself and awareness of them is key. If you are so preoccupied with your fear of the audience that you hide your head behind the podium while reading a boring list of facts your audience could read themselves, you will lose them. If you’re not interested, they’re not interested. If you are so frightened of your audience that you never look at them, you will not be able to get cues about their involvement in your presentation.

What you bring to the audience affects what they get from your presentation or speech. For that reason, it is tremendously important to develop enough self-awareness so that you can be present for your audience and have the confidence to make adjustments to keep them on your side and involved in your presentation.

The Environment

Sometimes you have no control over your environment. When you are asked to make a presentation for a class, you are likely confined to the course classroom. But there are usually some factors you will have control over. Regardless, it is a good idea to check out the space where you will be presenting to decide where things will happen.

Some things to check out if possible:

• Room temperature . If the audience is too hot or too cold they can be very distracted. See if you can make sure the temperature is comfortable before starting, and feel free to get feedback from your audience if they look uncomfortable. Your acknowledgement of their discomfort and efforts to do something about it (e.g. send someone to the office to try to fix the problem) goes a long way towards bringing the audience on side.
• Distracting noises . Are there fans, outside noises, or busy adjacent classrooms? If so, try to work around those things. If a noisy first aid class meets every morning from 9-11, and you can hear them through the wall shouting medical instructions in their mock emergency scenarios, this is not a good time to schedule your presentation.
• The lay of the land . Decide where you will stand ahead of time. Decide where your projection screen will be, where your projector will be, and where you want your audience to sit. If you decide on this ahead of time, you’ll avoid mistakes like people not being able to see properly because of an obstruction, the projector not displaying a large enough screen, and the audience being too far away or too spread out. It’s a good idea to move desks around so they are in a seating arrangement that is conducive to the presentation. Do you want them in a big U, or in small groups, or in traditional audience seating style?

Remember to consider all three aspects when planning your presentation: the presenter, the audience, and the environment. Let’s first concentrate on the presenter and the interpersonal skills required.

The Presenter: Your Strengths and Weaknesses

Are you aware of your strengths and weaknesses as a presenter? You may have some ideas already. For example, if you are very soft-spoken, you may consider that to be a weakness if you’re on a stage, especially without a microphone. Soft-spoken people also sometimes keep low-key in other ways; maybe they’re more plain in the way they dress or have less expressive mannerisms. Many people think that to be effective on stage you must be a rip-roaring extrovert. This is not true. No matter who you are, if you are aware of the qualities that make you a unique individual and you spend time getting to know your audience, you can convert perceived weaknesses into potential strengths. Conversely, if you are so overconfident about your abilities that it shows itself in poor preparation and lack of concern for your audience or environment, your strengths can quite quickly become weaknesses.

Your first step in helping define what makes you youself is to look at what you’re good at and what you enjoy doing. At the same time, this helps you distinguish what you’re not so good at and what you don’t enjoy. Make a list as you go through the next sections on your verbal and non-verbal communication techniques to get a reasonable prediction about how to focus your strategy as a presenter.

What Are My Verbal Communication Techniques?

Do you have a deep, low voice, or a high-pitched one? We all have a normal speaking pitch where we are most comfortable, but we can move our pitch up or down. Use pitch inflections to make your delivery more interesting and emphatic. If you don’t change pitch at all, your delivery will be monotone, which gets boring for the audience very quickly. Some people pitch their voices up at the end of sentences, making every statement sound like a question—avoid this common but distracting habit.

Do you speak softly or loudly? Adjust the volume of your voice to your environment and audience. If you’re in a large auditorium, speak up so that people in the back row can hear you. But if you’re in a small room with only a few people, you don’t want to alarm them by shouting! You may need to use volume to compensate for ambient noise like traffic or an air conditioner. You can use volume strategically to emphasize the most important points in your speech.

Stress certain words in your speech to add emphasis to them, that is, to indicate that they are particularly important. You may also use a visual aid to emphasize key points by using photographs or charts.

Pronunciation

Make sure that you know the appropriate pronunciation of the words you choose. If you mispronounce a word, it could hurt your credibility or confuse your audience. Websites such as Wiktionary contain audio files that you can play to hear standard pronunciation of many words. Your pronunciation is also influenced by your accent. If your accent is quite different from the accent you expect most members of your audience to have, practise your speech in front of someone with the same accent that your audience members will have, to ensure you are pronouncing words in a clear, understandable way.

Avoid the use of “ fillers ” as placeholders for actual words ( like , er , um , uh , etc.). You might get away with saying “um” two or three times in your speech before it becomes distracting, but the same cannot be said of “like”—a particularly troubling filler for many North American speakers. If you have a habit of using fillers, practise your speech thoroughly so that you remember what you want to say. This way, you are less likely to lose your place and let a filler word slip out.

Are you a fast or slow speaker? The pace that you speak at will influence how well the audience can understand you. Many people speak quickly when they are nervous. If this is a habit of yours, practice will help you here, too. Pause for breath naturally during your speech. Your speaking rate should be appropriate for your topic. A rapid, lively rate communicates enthusiasm, urgency, or humour. A slower, moderated rate conveys respect and seriousness. By varying your rate within a speech, you can emphasize your main points and keep your audience engaged.

What Non-Verbal Cues Do I Use?

A gesture is “a movement of part of the body, especially a hand or the head, to express an idea or meaning” (OxfordDictionaries.com, 2015). You can use these to channel nervous energy into an enhancement of your speech, reinforcing important points, but they can be distracting if overused. If the audience is busy watching your hands fly around, they will not be able to concentrate on your words.

Take a look at this article, titled “ What to Do with Your Hands When Speaking in Public ” ( The Washington Post , 2015) for dos and don’ts of gesturing when you are speaking.

Facial Expression

You might be unaware of how much your facial expressions say when you are speaking. Facial expression comes so naturally that we are not always in control of the story our face is telling. Rehearse your speech in front of a mirror to see what facial expressions come across. You might find that your face is saying something entirely different about your topic than your words are! Practise using facial expressions consciously. If you are speaking about an upbeat topic, smile! Conversely, if your topic is serious or solemn, avoid facial expressions that are overtly cheerful, because the audience will be confused by the mixed message.

In North American culture, the most important facial expression you can use is eye contact. Briefly catch the eye of audience members as you move through your speech. If you can’t look your audience members in the eye, they may view you as untrustworthy. Remember, though, that eye contact is a culturally sensitive gesture. In some cultures, there are certain accepted behaviours for males looking females in the eye, and vice-versa. You’ll want to avoid holding eye contact for too long with any one person, as too much can be unnerving.

It’s easy to let your posture slip when you’ve been talking for a while, but try to stay conscious of this and stand up straight. This gives the audience the perception that you are authoritative and take your position seriously. If you are slouching, hunched over, or leaning on something, this gives the impression that you are anxious, lacking in credibility, or not serious about your message. Speakers often assume a more casual posture as a presentation continues, but you only get one shot at making a first impression, so make sure you begin with a strong stance.

Silence is a powerful technique if used well, but it is often overlooked. Perhaps you had a teacher in high school who would stand sternly and silently at the front of the room, expectantly waiting for the chatter to die down. His silence and stance were unnerving, so students soon became quiet, didn’t they? And some of the best comedians use the well-timed pause for a powerful and hilarious—rather than serious—effect. Either way, pauses are useful for emphasis and dramatic effect when you are speaking.

Some speakers are reluctant to pause or use silence because they become uncomfortable with the dead air, but sometimes your audience needs a moment to process information and respond to you.

You can use your body movements to communicate positively with the audience. Leaning in or moving closer to the audience helps to bridge the space of separation. Moving from one side of the room to the other in a purposeful way that supports your content is a useful way to keep your audience engaged; their eyes will track your movements. Pacing rapidly with no purpose and no support to your message may quickly distract from your message, however. Standing still without movement when you are listening or responding to a question can show interest. However, standing still without any movement for the duration of your presentation could leave the audience bored. Balance is key, as is using your body as an extension of your content that suits the context of the environment and the audience.

Exercise: Interpersonal Presentation Skills

Consider the factors presented in this section.

• Which factors do you consider are already personal strengths?
• Which factors do you feel are personal weaknesses?
• Which factors would you like to focus on in upcoming presentations?

This section helped you focus on getting to know your presentation style by understanding yourself better. You learned that elements of the environment, the audience, and the presenter have an impact on what makes for a good speech. You examined several issues related to self-awareness, including dealing with strengths and weaknesses. Finally, you learned about verbal and non-verbal elements of your  presentation style. You should now be able to take what you have learned from this section into the next section as a foundation to build your presentation strategy.

Key Takeaways

• There are three aspects to consider for presentations: the presenter, the audience, and the environment.
• Voice, body language, coherent structure, enthusiasm, expertise, and practice are ingredients that can make a successful speech or presentation.
• The audience wants you to succeed.
• Making a recording of your verbal and non-verbal cues helps to identify your presentation style.
• Verbal elements such as pitch, volume, emphasis, pronunciation, fillers, and rate all impact the presentation.
• Non-verbal elements such as gestures, facial expressions, posture, silence, and movement all impact the presentation.
• Self-awareness of the presenter’s strengths and weaknesses will help to adjust verbal and non-verbal elements for the presentation and can impact the presenter’s planning strategy.

Text Attributions

This chapter has been adapted from the following chapter:

• “ Presenting in a Professional Context ” in Professional Communications OER by Olds College OER Development Team. Adapted by Mary Shier. CC BY .

Media Attributions

• What Makes a Successful Presentation © Laura Underwood is licensed under a CC BY (Attribution) license

Student Success Copyright © 2020 by Mary Shier is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License , except where otherwise noted.

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Essential Interpersonal Skills Everyone Should Develop

“She’s a people person.” You’ve heard a colleague, manager, friend or relative described that way and you know exactly what it means. This person eases through the workday like a soft summer breeze, feathers rarely ruffled, hackles seldom raised. 

13 Essential Interpersonal Skills

Communication, active listening, emotional intelligence, relational intelligence, decision making, collaboration, objective effectiveness, problem solving, conflict resolution, negotiation.

What’s their secret? Finely developed and assiduously deployed interpersonal skills. “Interpersonal skills are often referred to as ‘people skills’ or ‘social skills,’” said Roberta Matuson, president of Matuson Consulting and author of Can We Talk? Seven Principles for Managing Difficult Conversations at Work. 

What Are Interpersonal Skills? 

“In a nutshell, interpersonal skills are the skills that help us work well with others,” said John Waldmann, CEO and founder of Homebase , a San Francisco, California-based company that makes a time-tracking and employee scheduling app. “They’re the competencies we use to communicate, solve problems, be a part of a team, and move people and projects forward,” Waldmann said.  

“Developing your interpersonal skills, while it may seem touchy-feely, can be an important aspect of your career growth into leadership and roles with a greater scope of responsibility.” - Patrick Hayes, chief strategy officer, UncommonX, Chicago

Interpersonal skills come naturally to some people, but they can be developed and improved with time, experience and even training programs, Waldmann said. In the early days of Homebase, he said he found it “uncomfortable” to pitch the business. “But the more I practiced, the better I got,” he said. “Without taking the chance on developing those skills — communication, curiosity, empathy, adaptability and a lot of perseverance — Homebase wouldn’t be where it is today.”

Interpersonal skills work together as a package. It’s difficult to excel at one skill without excelling at the others. For instance, communication involves verbal and nonverbal skills as well as listening. Listening, “the ability to truly hear what people are saying,” Matuson said, is difficult without emotional intelligence , which is the ability to comprehend and handle emotions. Decision making and problem solving are entwined, as are collaboration and teamwork.

Employers value strong interpersonal skills because they help teams function more effectively,” said Jill Bowman, director of people at New York-based fintech company Octane . Interpersonal skills such as active listening, collaboration, empathy, team building, negotiation and leadership develop over time and can be improved with practice and training, Bowman said.

13 Interpersonal Skills Examples

“How we share ourselves in words and spoken thoughts, express through our physical reactions via body language and actively seek to understand others through listening are crucial to building other interpersonal/soft skills such as teamwork, conflict resolution and negotiation,” said Jamie Johnson, career advisor at the University of Phoenix . Well-developed communication skills create foundational people skills required to successfully interact with others and build fresh and positive personal and professional connections, Johnson added.

“Having the self confidence and conviction to make yourself heard allows you to increase collaboration with others and be an advocate in fostering your own success.” - Meighan (Meg) Newhouse, Inspirant Group, Naperville, Illinois

Communication requires both verbal and nonverbal skills. Verbal skills are the ability to articulate, in writing and while speaking, what you’re thinking, what you need and what you want to contribute, said Meighan (Meg) Newhouse, CEO and cofounder at Inspirant Group , a management consulting company based in Naperville, Illinois. 

“Having the self confidence and conviction to make yourself heard allows you to increase collaboration with others and be an advocate in fostering your own success,” Newhouse said, adding that the best way to develop this skill is to push through fear and “just do it.” 

Nonverbal skills include making eye contact, proper body language (for instance, arms not crossed in a defensive stance) and gestures, all of which can make a difference in people feeling engaged and comfortable, Newhouse said. 

Ever talk to someone whose mind seems to be on everything but what you’re saying? Active listening means engaging with the person with whom you’re talking, not just listening with one ear as you formulate what to say in response.

Active listening is crucial in the workplace, where people must interact in order to overcome challenges, said Mike Grossman, CEO of GoodHire , a Redwood City, California-based company that runs background checks on prospective employees. Active listening involves nonverbal communication, including uncrossed arms, maintaining eye contact and leaning in toward the speaker, Grossman said. 

Strong active listening also means asking specific questions about what the speaker is saying, as well as verbally affirming that you’re paying attention without interrupting the speaker’s train of thought, Grossman said. “This conveys engagement and gives you a fundamentally deeper understanding of the topic being discussed,” he said. 

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Relational intelligence is the ability to successfully connect with people and build strong, long-lasting relationships, said Adam Bandelli , an organizational psychologist who has pioneered the concept and written a book, Relational Intelligence: The Five Essential Skills You Need to Build Life-Changing Relationships , about it. 

It’s the everything bagel of interpersonal skills, encompassing establishing rapport, understanding others, embracing individual differences, developing trust, cultivating influence and serving others.

• Establishing rapport requires making a strong first impression, finding similarities and common ground, and creating a safe and enjoyable space for people to have a positive connection.

• Understanding others requires “good self-awareness and EQ, being curious and inquisitive, and actively listening to others,” Bandelli said. “It’s about being intentional in putting in the time and energy to get to know people on a deep level.”

• Embracing individual differences means understanding and accepting that people might be different from you, and those differences, be they sexual orientation, gender, ethnicities, race, religion or socioeconomic background, are what makes teams strong. 

• Developing trust requires commitment, consistency, character, courage and integrity. “Leaders need to continually deposit into a bank account of trust to build a sense of camaraderie and commitment from their people,” Bandelli said, noting that employees tend to stay with companies when they have a sound relationship with leaders. Once trust is gained, “you can’t use it to manipulate, control or use people” he said. “Trust is not about controlling your people.”

• Cultivating influence means having a positive and meaningful impact on people, whether it’s teammates, direct reports or the entire organization. To develop this part of relational intelligence, find a mentor who has superb interpersonal skills, Bandelli said. 

• Practicing these five essential relational intelligence skills is about servant leadership. No matter their place on the organizational chart, “great leaders know that serving their people leads to higher levels of performance, goals and objectives are attained, KPIs are delivered, and organizations achieve great financial success and profitability,” Bandelli said.

Effectively responding to challenges and questions and offering well-thought-out and convincing evidence and responses is part of the interpersonal/soft skills tool bag, said Johnson of University of Phoenix. 

The art of persuasion is as much about gaining a new perspective as it is convincing someone to your side or “winning” an argument: “They may provide valuable insight into issues and may give you the ability to voice your thoughts and opinions in a situation that can provide another perspective,” Johnson said. 

You need emotional intelligence to manage and leverage your and other people’s emotions, said Donna McGeorge , a productivity coach based in Australia. “It is the ability to understand the way people feel and react, monitor your own state and to use this to make good judgments and to avoid or solve problems,” she said. Developing emotional intelligence builds strong workplace relationships that will help you and your team achieve your goals.

The building blocks of emotional intelligence are self regulation, which is managing your feelings, emotions and behavior in healthy ways, including adapting when necessary; self awareness, or knowing your strengths and weaknesses; other awareness, which is picking up emotional cues and group dynamics and having empathy for the needs of others; building and maintaining relationships via clear communication, McGeorge said.  

It’s how we identify and choose among alternatives and is closely related to problem solving, McGeorge said. Decision-making is far from the rational process we might believe it is, she added, citing a 2000 study by social psychologists Jennifer Lerner and Dacher Kelter. The two found that “fearful people made pessimistic judgments of future events and angry people made optimistic judgments,” the report said. “In other words, we are at risk of making dumb decisions when we are not in full control of our emotions,” McGeorge said. 

Information overload, which results in the illusion of knowledge, incomplete information, or even being under deadline pressure can result in poor decisions, McGeorge said. Lack of sleep, too, has a “tremendous impact” on decision-making, she said. Finally, being bombarded with decisions to make can result in decision fatigue, which can lead to poor decision-making. 

This is one of the interpersonal skills that really pulls together all the skills. Effective teamwork requires communication skills, the ability to support and respect teammates, the ability to think and learn out loud (for instance, “so what I hear you saying is...” or “if I understand you correctly, you’d like us to…”), and the ability to “listen, really listen,” McGeorge said. “Even better, listen with an intention to have your mind changed.” 

The benefits of effective teamwork stretch beyond accomplishing goals, she added. “When done right, there’s almost an alchemy of unique gifts, talents and skills that can create a competitive advantage and have people feel great about their work,” McGeorge said.

“Employers frequently want you to rely on and help others in order to achieve a common goal,” said Shiv Gupta, CEO of Incrementors , an inbound marketing company based in Sacramento, California. Collaboration means knowing when to step back and be supportive and when to take the lead. Collaboration is also entwined with teamwork. “As a successful team player, you should have a variety of the aforementioned talents, including empathy, respect, bargaining, and communication, as well as a positive attitude,” Gupta said. 

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This interpersonal skill combines assertion and the ability to say no, said Lisa Bahar , an adjunct professor of psychology at Pepperdine University, Malibu, California, and a licensed marriage and family therapist and clinical counselor. 

An example of objective effectiveness in use would be describing a situation, expressing your feelings and opinions, asking for what you want, and then helping the other person understand that what you want benefits both of you. “This is not intended to be manipulative,” Bahar said. “There are also skills, when a person responds, which include being mindful of your objective and learning how to ignore attacks.”  

These skills depend on the ability to use analytical and creative thinking to find solutions, said Amy Zimmerman, chief people officer at Atlanta, Georgia-based digital payment system Relay Payments and cofounder of leadership consultancy PeopleCo . Analysis, persuasion, logical reasoning, persistence, brainstorming and decision-making are all skills required to effectively solve problems, she said. 

It’s a way for two or more parties to find a peaceful solution to a disagreement among them. It’s a five-step process, starting with defining the source of the conflict, looking beyond the incident, requesting solutions, identifying solutions both sides can support, and reaching an agreement, Zimmerman said.

More on Soft Skills Why Engineers Should Sharpen Their Soft Skills Along With Their Technical Skills

This critical skill involves listening to the other party, understanding where they’re coming from as well as what’s important to them, said Andrea Ippolito, CEO and founder of Ithaca, New York-based SimpliFed , a telehealth platform focused on lactation, child nutrition and on-demand support for new parents. 

Successful negotiators identify the ZOPA, or zone of possible agreement, which is the common area on which both sides agree. “By understanding this zone, it allows you to meet somewhere in there for each party to accomplish what they need,” Ippolito said. 

High-quality negotiating skills help get internal and external stakeholders to buy into what you are trying to communicate, said Joe Vu, digital marketing manager at Fairport, New York-based QuickFi , maker of an app that simplifies business-equipment financing. “Using the right data insights and context can help strengthen your negotiation, and ultimately help you become a better communicator and leader,” he said. 

It’s accepting that other people can and will think and behave differently than you do. “Tolerance can be a challenge in the workplace because of individual disagreements or personal biases,” said Sam Cohen, founder of Gold Tree Consulting , a growth marketing agency based in Austin, Texas. Tolerance is acquired through exposure to different points of view and ways of thinking, and also with experience managing changes. “Change is imminent,” Cohen said, recommending meditation and practicing patience to hone tolerance. 

Why Are Interpersonal Skills Important?

Love makes the world go round, and interpersonal skills keep the workplace world spinning properly. Not only that: Interpersonal skills can make a tech professional a standout and help forge a promising career .

During his 27 years in tech, Patrick Hayes has developed, refined and used interpersonal skills as a way to influence outcomes and gain buy-in from others. “I have often been called a ‘people person,’ or someone who can get along well with others,” said Hayes, chief strategy officer at Chicago-based UncommonX , a SaaS-based cybersecurity firm.

Tech professionals, in his opinion, tend to be introverted and rely on facts, data and technical experience to reach decisions. “Developing your interpersonal skills, while it may seem touchy-feely, can be an important aspect of your career growth into leadership and roles with a greater scope of responsibility,” Hayes said. 

Interpersonal skills help soothe a variety of office issues, including disagreements, which can and will happen even in the happiest of workplaces. “Whatever the disagreement is, it’s important to separate the behavior from the individual,” said Hayes. ”As yourself, ‘why does the other person see things this way?’ You might not reach a mutually shared outcome, but this approach will provide the ability to focus on the issue and not the person,” he said.

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How to Develop Your Interpersonal Skills

To be sure, some people are naturally charismatic and possess a full set of interpersonal skills. Others need to develop and refine interpersonal skills. Miriam Frankel, director of Thrive Group , a Passaic, New Jersey-based counseling center, offers nine tips for doing just that.

Think Positively

Every day, remind yourself of the good things about your life and your job. If you’re upset about a personal matter, set those feelings aside until after work. If you’re stressed about a work issue, look for the positive in the situation and try to build on that.

Control Your Emotions

Work isn’t the place to be overly emotional. Whether you’re extremely irritated, severely depressed or ecstatically happy, take a deep breath and tone your emotions down. Always express yourself in a calm, patient manner.

Acknowledge Others’ Expertise

One of the best ways to build trust at work is to let your co-workers know you appreciate their expertise. Ask for their help on projects and give credit where credit is due.

Show Genuine Interest in Your Colleagues

Make a point of getting to know what’s important to your co-workers. It will help solidify your relationships with them.

Find One Good Trait in Every Co-worker

Not all of us like every single person we work with but you can’t let personal preference get in the way of peak performance. If a colleague’s personality clashes completely with your own, the best way to handle the situation is by finding at least one good trait in that person — preferably something professional.

Practice Active Listening

Maintain eye contact with the speaker, nod your head, and repeat what they have said in your own words. The speaker will feel respected and you’re likely to be able to recall the conversation more easily afterwards.

Be Assertive

Be confident in your ability and opinions, and don’t be afraid to express your needs, as well as your limits.

Practice Empathy

Gain a well-rounded view of things by putting yourself in other people’s shoes. This will help you develop empathy for others, which in turn goes a long way in finding solutions that work for all involved.

Maintain Your Relationships

Connect with college friends and former colleagues on social media or through email; try to set up face-to-face meetings now and then. This shows your connections that you still value the relationship — and that can go a long way in helping you advance your career.

Interpersonal Skills and Impostor Syndrome

Some people might require more time to develop interpersonal skills; others, less. One group of professionals, surprisingly enough, might have highly developed personal skills, yet lack the confidence to recognize them.

That group? People with impostor syndrome — the belief that others think you’re smarter than you think you are.

Impostor syndrome is largely regarded as a professional negative. Yet new research by Basima A. Tewfik , assistant professor of work and organization studies at Massachusetts Institute of Technology’s Sloan School of Management, indicates that those who have “impostor thoughts” might be viewed by others as having better interpersonal skills.

In a paper forthcoming in the Academy of Management Journal , Tewfik “develops a model linking workplace impostor thoughts to other-perceived interpersonal effectiveness,” she writes in the abstract. She posits that people with more impostor thoughts are rated higher in interpersonal effectiveness “because such thoughts make them more other-oriented.”

Perceived interpersonal effectiveness “refers to how well others perceive that one cooperates and interacts with one’s environment,” Tewfik writes in the abstract. People with higher interpersonal effectiveness levels are those who create effective working relationships and relate well to others. 

Because accomplishing things at work increasingly involves interacting with others, having employees low in interpersonal effectiveness can cost workplaces millions of dollars in ill outcomes and mismanaged projects, she writes, citing colleagues’ research on the subject. 

Tewfik tested her theory in four studies with four groups: employees at an investment advisory firm, doctors-in-training and what she calls “two cross-industry sets of employees recruited online.” Members of each group were evaluated for workplace impostor thoughts and interpersonal effectiveness by various means. 

In one employee study, for instance, half of the employees were randomly assigned to recall a time at work in which they had impostor thoughts while the other half were randomly assigned to recall what they had for lunch that day. Employees were all then told to imagine that right after the experience they recalled, they got the chance to have an informal coffee chat with a hiring manager that could result in a promotion. Employees were offered the option of either asking or answering questions during this conversation. 

Tewfik found that those in the “impostor thoughts” group choose to ask more questions. As a result of this increased “other-focus,” hiring managers gave them higher interpersonal effectiveness scores.

In summary? Impostor syndrome might feel like a career liability, but can be a real asset when it comes to getting along in the workplace. And so can a toolbox of well-honed interpersonal skills.

Take a moment each day to perfect these essential skills. Your career will thank you for it.

Great Companies Need Great People. That's Where We Come In.

Interpersonal Effectiveness: 9 Worksheets & Examples (+ PDF)

There is a myriad of skills that can be added to our repertoire, enhanced, and improved.

There are thousands of courses, millions of books and articles, and countless tips and suggestions to improve our lives by cultivating a certain skill or set of skills.

But which one is most important?

There may not be a definitive answer to that question, but I think one of the most common answers would be: communication (or interpersonal) skills.

It is simply a fact of life that we will encounter thousands, even tens of thousands, of people in our lifetime. While we don’t need to make a good impression on each individual we meet (which would be an impossible task anyway), we do need to at least get along with others well enough to get by.

This is especially true for those of us struggling with a mental disorder like depression, anxiety, or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It can be doubly difficult for people with these obstacles to effectively interact with others.

Fortunately, there are ways to enhance your interpersonal effectiveness. Whether you are a successful public speaker or an introverted loner, there are resources and activities that can help you improve your communication skills and enhance your quality of life.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships.

This Article Contains:

What is the definition of interpersonal effectiveness, interpersonal effectiveness & dialectical behavioral therapy, the importance of developing your interpersonal effectiveness skills, 6 games & activities (for groups) to develop effective interpersonal skills, 3 ways to improve your interpersonal effectiveness in the workplace, a take-home message.

Interpersonal effectiveness, at its most basic, refers to the ability to interact with others. It includes skills we use to (Vivyan, 2015):

• Attend to relationships
• Balance priorities versus demands
• Balance the “wants” and the “shoulds”
• Build a sense of mastery and self-respect

Our ability to interact with others can be broken by the goal we have in mind for our interactions. There are three main goals to interaction:

• Gaining our objective
• Maintaining our relationships
• Keeping our self-respect

Each goal requires interpersonal skills; while some interpersonal skills will be applied in many situations, some skills will be especially important for achieving one of these goals.

When we are working towards gaining our objective, we need skills that involve clarifying what we want from the interaction, and identifying what we need to do in order to get the results we want.

When maintaining our relationships is our first priority, we need to understand how important the particular relationship is to us, how we want the person to feel about us, and what we need to do in order to keep the relationship going.

Finally, when our goal is to keep our self-respect, we will use interpersonal skills to help us feel the way we would like to feel after the interaction is over and to stick to our values and to the truth (Vivyan, 2015).

In fact, it’s the second core skills module in classic DBT, with tons of materials and resources dedicated to improving the client’s interpersonal skills.

You might be wondering why interpersonal effectiveness is so important that it warrants an entire module in one of the most popular forms of therapy. Sure, communication is important, but does it really require this much time and effort? Why?

DBT’s take is that these skills are so important because the way we communicate with others has a huge impact on the quality of our relationships with others and the outcomes of our interactions with others (Linehan, 2015). In turn, the quality of our relationships and the outcomes of our interactions have a significant influence on our wellbeing , our sense of self-esteem and self-confidence , and our very understanding of who we are.

While there are many skills related to communication and interaction with others, DBT focuses on two main components:

• The ability to ask for things that you want or need
• The ability to say no to requests, when appropriate

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By now, you have surely recognized the importance of having good, or at least adequate, communication and interaction skills. However, you may be thinking that if you have the skills to communicate with others at a minimum level of effectiveness, you’re set! Why bother working on skills you already have?

Like any set of complex skills, there will never be a point at which you have completely mastered them. Even the best motivational speakers and public relations experts are not perfect communicators. There is always room for improvement!

Research has provided evidence that improving these interpersonal skills leads to positive outcomes, especially for clients with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). For example, DBT skill utilization has been shown to improve BPD symptoms overall, reduce affective instability, and improve the client’s relationship capabilities (Stepp, Epler, Jahng, & Trull, 2008).

The ultimate guide to expert interpersonal skills – Science of People

While there are many worksheets and individual exercises you can engage in to build your interpersonal skills, they are not always the most effective way to do this.

It’s no surprise that the best way to improve your interactions with others is to practice interacting with others!

Not only are group activities generally more effective in improving interpersonal skills, they are often more fun. Below, we’ve listed and described 5 fun games and activities that you can practice to improve your interpersonal effectiveness (as well as one handout you can use to assess your interpersonal skills).

Skills Assessment Handout

Before trying to improve your interpersonal communication skills, it is a good idea to find out where you currently are with each one. The assessment on page 3 of this handout can help.

On this page, you will find 29 skills, such as:

• Introducing yourself
• Listening – taking in what people say
• Listening – showing interest in people
• Responding to praise
• Responding to negative feedback
• Self-disclosure as appropriate

For each skill, you are instructed to rate yourself on a scale from 1 to 5, according to the following rubric:

• 1 – I am very poor at that skill
• 2 – I am poor
• 3 – I am sometimes good
• 4 – I am usually good
• 5 – I am always good

You can take the average of your ratings to give yourself an overall “interpersonal effectiveness” skill rating, but the individual ratings are valuable by themselves.

If you are looking to enhance your communication skills, make sure to establish a baseline first. If you have a baseline to compare back to, it is much easier to notice improvements!

Try Not To Listen Activity

In this fun and potentially eye-opening activity, group members will get a chance to put their acting chops to the test.

The group should be broken into pairs for this activity. In each pair, one individual should be designated to speak first while the other “listens,” before switching roles.

The first speaker (Partner A) is instructed to talk for two minutes straight, about any subject they’d like to talk about. While Partner A is speaking, Partner B’s job is to make it crystal clear that he or she is not listening to Partner A at all.

Partner B cannot say anything, instead relying on body language to communicate their message to Partner A.

Once Partner A’s two minutes of speaking time is up, Partner B gets two minutes to talk while Partner A “listens.”

The group will likely find that it is extremely hard to keep talking when their partner is so clearly not listening! This is an important lesson from the activity: that body language plays a vital role in communication, and listeners have a significant influence over how the interaction goes in addition to those speaking.

Once all group members have taken their turn both speaking and “listening,” each individual should write down their immediate reactions to having a speaking partner that is clearly not listening.

They will probably come up with feelings like:

• I felt frustrated.
• I was angry.
• I felt that I wasn’t important.
• I felt like what I was saying must be boring.
• I couldn’t keep talking.
• I felt insignificant and unimportant.

Next, group members should note the behaviors that their partner was exhibiting to show that they weren’t listening, behaviors like:

• Facing away, with head bent toward the floor or turned to the side
• Avoiding eye contact
• Looking at the floor/ceiling
• Folded arms/crossed legs
• Blank or bored expression
• Yawning, whistling, scratching or other activity incompatible with active listening
• Preoccupation (with looking at one’s surroundings, one’s phone, etc.)
• No interaction at all

While this exercise is clearly an exaggeration of what it is like to talk to someone who isn’t listening, this can help those who are not very observant or limited in their social skills to monitor their own behavior when interacting with others.

It’s easy to decide to practice active listening in your interactions, but it’s harder to keep all of the target behaviors (and all of the decidedly non-target behaviors) in mind. Practicing this exercise will help participants identify and remember the behaviors that make a person a good listener .

You can find this exercise on page 4 of the handout mentioned above ( Interpersonal Skills Exercises ).

Sabotage Exercise

This is another fun exercise that incorporates poor interpersonal behaviors in order to highlight what the good interpersonal behaviors are.

This exercise should be undertaken in a fairly large group, large enough to break into at least two or three groups of four to five individuals.

Instruct each group to take about 10 minutes to brainstorm, discuss, and list all the ways they can think of to sabotage a group assignment. Anything they can think of is fair game – it just needs to be something disruptive enough to drive a team task right off the rails!

Once each group has a good-sized list of ways to sabotage a group assignment, gather into the larger group again and compare responses. Write them all on the chalkboard, whiteboard, or a flip board in the front of the room.

Next, reform the groups and instruct them to produce a 5- to 10-point contract with agreed-upon guidelines for successful group work . Group members should draw from the sabotage ideas (i.e., what not to do for successful group work) to identify good ideas (i.e., what to do for successful group work).

For example, if a group listed “do not communicate with any of the other group members” as a way to sabotage the group assignment, they might come up with something like “communicate with other group members often” as a guideline for successful group work.

This exercise will help participants learn what makes for a positive group experience, while also giving them a chance to have a positive group experience along the way.

This exercise was described on page 14 of  this handout .

Group Strengths and Weaknesses

Groups have one very important advantage over individuals when it comes to accomplishing work – they can offset individuals’ weaknesses, complement their strengths, and bring balance to the group.

Group members will engage in some critical thinking and discussion about their own strengths and weaknesses in this exercise, as well as the strengths and weaknesses of the other group members and the group as a whole.

To give this exercise a try, instruct the group to think about the strengths and weaknesses of each individual group member. Encourage them to be honest but kind to one another, especially when discussing weaknesses.

Once each team has come up with a good list of strengths and weaknesses for each group member, have each group think about how these will affect group dynamics. What strengths will positively influence group interactions? Which weaknesses have the potential to throw a monkey wrench into group interactions?

Finally, have each team discuss the composition of a “perfect” team. Is it better to have members with similar characteristics or with a wide range of personalities, abilities, and skills? What are the advantages and disadvantages of each type of team?

This discussion will help participants think critically about what makes a good team, how different personalities interact, and how to modify your behavior, group norms, or expectations to match the differing personalities and abilities of others.

This exercise is also described on page 14 of the handout on interpersonal skills ( Interpersonal Skills Exercises ).

Count the Squares

This game is a fun and engaging way to encourage group interaction and communication.

All you need is this image (or similar image of multiple squares), displayed on a PowerPoint presentation or on the wall or board at the front of the room.

In the first step, give the group a couple of minutes to individually count the number of squares in the figure and write down their answer. They should do this without speaking to others.

Next, have each group member call out the number of squares they counted. Write these down on the board.

Now instruct each participant to find someone to pair up with and count the squares again. They can talk to each other when determining how many squares there are, but no one else.

Have each pair share their number again once they are finished.

Finally, have the participants form groups of four to five members each and instruct them to count the squares one more time. When they have finished, once again take down the numbers each group counted.

At least one group will almost certainly have counted the correct number of squares, which is 40. Have this group walk the rest of the participants through how they got to 40.

Finally, lead the whole group through a discussion of group synergy, and why the counts (likely) kept getting closer and closer to 40 as more people got together to solve the problem.

Participants will learn about the importance of good group communication, practice working in pairs and in groups, and hopefully have fun completing this activity.

You can find more information about this activity here .

Non-Verbal Introduction Game

This game is a fun twist on an old classic – meeting a new person and introducing them to the group.

You should plan this game on the first day of a group therapy , training, or other activity to take advantage of the opportunity to introduce each group member.

Have the group members pair up with a person sitting next to them. Tell them to introduce themselves to each other and include something interesting or unusual about themselves.

Once every pair has been introduced and has found out something interesting about the other person, bring the focus back to the larger group.

Tell the group members that each person must introduce their partner to the group, but with a catch – they cannot use words or props! Each partner must introduce the other partner with actions only.

This game is not only a great icebreaker for introducing people to one another, it’s also a fun way for group members to see both the utility of verbal communication (something you might only recognize when cannot use it!) and the importance of nonverbal communication.

If you have time, you can lead the group in a discussion of nonverbal communication, the cues we pick up on in other peoples’ behavior, and how getting feedback from those you are communicating with is vital.

You can read more about this game here .

Luckily, most of these skills transfer nicely from therapy to family life, interactions with friends, and the workplace. Additionally, there are some exercises and resources developed to improve work-related interpersonal skills directly.

Below you will find a few different ways to improve your communication at work .

Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills Handout

This helpful handout can be reviewed and returned to while you or your client are working on enhancing interpersonal effectiveness.

It outlines the skills needed to communicate effectively with others, separated into three different skill sets:

• Objective Effectiveness
• Relationship Effectiveness
• Self-Respect Effectiveness

For each set, there is a handy acronym to help you remember which skills are included.

For objective effectiveness, the acronym is “DEAR MAN” and the skills are:

• D – Describe: use clear and concrete terms to describe what you want.
• E – Express: let others know how a situation makes you feel by clearly expressing your feelings; don’t expect others to read your mind.
• A – Assert: don’t beat around the bush – say what you need to say.
• R – Reinforce: reward people who respond well, and reinforce why your desired outcome is positive.
• M – Mindful : don’t forget the objective of the interaction; it can be easy to get sidetracked into harmful arguments and lose focus.
• A – Appear: appear confident; consider your posture, tone, eye contact, and body language.
• N – Negotiate: no one can have everything they want out of an interaction all the time; be open to negotiation.

These skills allow those who practice them to effectively and clearly express their needs and desires, and get what they want out of an interaction.

The acronym for relationship effectiveness is “GIVE”:

• G – Gentle: don’t attack, threaten, or express judgment during your interactions; accept the occasional “no” for your requests.
• I – Interested: show interest by listening to the other person without interrupting.
• V – Validate: be outwardly validating to the other person’s thoughts and feelings; acknowledge their feelings, recognize when your requests are demanding, and respect their opinions.
• E – Easy: have an easy attitude; try to smile and act lighthearted.

These skills help people to maintain relationships with others through fostering positive interactions.

Finally, the acronym for self-respect effectiveness is “FAST”:

• F – Fair: be fair; not only to others but also to yourself.
• A – Apologies: don’t apologize unless it’s warranted; don’t apologize for making a request, having an opinion, or disagreeing.
• S – Stick to Values: don’t compromise your values just to be liked or to get what you want; stand up for what you believe in.
• T – Truthful: avoid dishonesty such as exaggeration, acting helpless as a form of manipulation, or outright lying.

The self-respect skill set will help protect you from betraying your own values and beliefs to receive approval or to get what you want.

Knowing what these skills are and how they can be applied is the first step towards enhancing your ability to interact with others. You can find this handout online at this link .

Radical Acceptance Worksheet

This worksheet helps you to identify and understand a situation you are struggling to accept, whether it is at work, in your personal life, an issue with your family, or something else entirely. Whatever difficult thing you are working through, you can use this worksheet to help yourself accept the reality of your situation .

First, the worksheet instructs you to answer the question “What is the problem or situation?”

Next, you will describe the part of this situation that is difficult for you to accept.

Then, you describe the reality of that situation. Think critically here about the reality, don’t just write down what you want the situation to be or what your worst possible interpretation of the situation is.

After describing the reality, think about the causes that led up that reality (hint: you will probably notice that many of them are outside of your control!).

Next, you practice acceptance with the whole self (mind, body, and spirit) and describe how you did this. The worksheet encourages you to try the following:

“Breathe deeply, put your body into an open, accepting posture, and notice and let go of thoughts and feelings that fight the reality. Practice skills for acceptance such as half-smile, awareness exercises, or prayer. Focus on a statement of acceptance, such as “it is what it is” or “everything is as it should be.”

Finally, you rate your distress tolerance about this difficult situation both before and after practicing radical acceptance, on a scale from 0 (you just can’t take it) to 100 (total acceptance of reality).

This worksheet will be available for download soon.

Compass Points Emotional Intelligence Activity

This exercise from the National School Reform Faculty is a fantastic way for a team to improve their emotional intelligence together (Allen, 2015).

To prepare for this exercise, create four signs – North, South, East, and West – and post them on the room walls. Under each point, write out the traits associated with each sign:

• North: Acting o Likes to act, try things, dive in; “Let’s do it!”
• East: Speculating o Likes to look at the big picture and all the possibilities before acting.
• South: Caring o Likes to know that everyone’s feelings have been taken into consideration and that their voices have been heard before acting.
• West: Paying Attention to Detail o Likes to know the who, what, when, where, and why before acting.

To begin the activity, point out the four points to the participants and ask them to read each one and select the one that most accurately captures how they work with others on teams. Have them walk over to that point and remain there for the activity.

Once each participant has chosen a compass point, ask them to recall a personal past team experience that was either very positive or very negative. They shouldn’t share this experience yet, but they should keep it in mind to discuss later.

Next, have the natural groups (formed by compass point selection) designate three positions amongst themselves:

• Recorder – to record the responses of the group
• Timekeeper – to keep the group members on task
• Spokesperson – to share out on behalf of the group when time is up

Once the roles have been assigned, provide 5 to 8 minutes for the teams to respond to the following questions:

• What are the strengths of your style?
• What are the limitations of your style?
• What style do you find most difficult to work with and why?
• What do people from other “directions” or styles need to know about you so you can work together effectively?
• What’s one thing you value about each of the other three styles?

Once each team has discussed these five questions and come up with something to share with the larger group, have them share their responses out. You may hear things like:

• North gets impatient with West’s need for details.
• West gets frustrated by North’s tendency to act before planning.
• South group members crave personal connections and get uncomfortable when team members’ emotional needs aren’t met.
• East group members get bored when West gets mired in details; East gets frustrated when North dives in before agreeing on big goals.

Once participants have shared their responses to the five questions, ask them to recall their very positive or very negative team experience. Tell them to take a moment or two to reflect on whether there was anything they learned from this exercise that helps them to better understand why their positive team experience was positive, or why their negative team experience was negative. This can be a great way to provoke some “a-ha!” moments (Allen, 2015).

Finally, shift to the conclusion of the exercise and give participants a few minutes to share their key takeaways from the exercise. Different groups will highlight different takeaways, but make sure to point these out if no one brings them up:

• This activity increases our awareness of our own and others’ preferences.
• Increased awareness opens the door to empathy.
• Our preferences have their strengths and limitations.
• A diversity of preferences is what makes for better teamwork and results.

You can find more information on this exercise here .

17 Exercises for Positive, Fulfilling Relationships

Empower others with the skills to cultivate fulfilling, rewarding relationships and enhance their social wellbeing with these 17 Positive Relationships Exercises [PDF].

Created by experts. 100% Science-based.

In this piece, we defined interpersonal effectiveness, described its importance in terms of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy , and provided several ways for you or your clients to work on improving interpersonal skills.

I hope I communicated my message clearly in this piece, and I hope you found a valuable takeaway from reading it. If you learned something particularly useful, what was it? Do you have other activities or exercises you use to keep your interpersonal skills sharp? Let us know in the comments!

Thanks for reading, and happy skill-building!

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free .

• Allen, G. (2015). A simple exercise to strengthen emotional intelligence in teams. Mind Shift. Retrieved from https://ww2.kqed.org/mindshift/2015/06/22/a-simple-exercise-to-strengthen-emotional-intelligence-in-teams/
• Linehan, M. M. (2015).  DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Guilford Press.
• Stepp, S. D., Epler, A. J., Jahng, S., & Trull, T. J. (2008). The effect of dialectical behavior therapy skills use on borderline personality disorder features.  Journal of Personality Disorders ,  22 (6), 549-563.
• Vivyan, C. (2015). Interpersonal effectiveness: Getting on with others using DBT. Get Self Help UK. Retrieved from https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/interpersonal.htm

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very helpful article

Great article!! Thanks!!

This is a wonderful share by the author. Thanks a ton Ms Ackerman for this great effort.

I am trying to run zoom classes and will attempt the ei interpersonal exercise virtually. Wish me luck!

I wanted to download a free book on Positive Psychology with 3 games/case studies. It would have really helped me during my teaching Management students. Despite filling all entries, it did not work. If you can help me that would be great ! Thanks in anticipation. my mail id is “[email protected]” Thanks, Professor Brijendra Dhup

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Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills are the skills we use every day when we communicate and interact with other people, both individually and in groups. They include a wide range of skills, but particularly communication skills such as listening and effective speaking. They also include the ability to control and manage your emotions.

It is no exaggeration to say that interpersonal skills are the foundation for success in life. People with strong interpersonal skills tend to be able to work well with other people, including in teams or groups, formally and informally. They communicate effectively with others, whether family, friends, colleagues, customers or clients. They also have better relationships at home and at work.

You can improve your interpersonal skills by developing your awareness of how you interact with others and practising your skills.

This page provides an overview of interpersonal skills and how they are developed and used. It explains where these skills are important, including particular jobs that may require very good interpersonal skills. Finally, it discusses how you can start to develop your interpersonal skills further.

What are Interpersonal Skills?

Interpersonal skills are sometimes referred to as social skills, people skills, soft skills, or life skills.

However, these terms can be used both more narrowly and more broadly than ‘ interpersonal skills ’. On this website, we define interpersonal skills as:

“The skills you need and use to communicate and interact with other people.”

This definition means that interpersonal skills therefore include:

• Communication skills , which in turn covers:
• Verbal Communication – what we say and how we say it;
• Non-Verbal Communication – what we communicate without words, for example through body language, or tone of voice; and
• Listening Skills – how we interpret both the verbal and non-verbal messages sent by others.
• Emotional intelligence – being able to understand and manage your own and others’ emotions.
• Team-working – being able to work with others in groups and teams, both formal and informal.
• Negotiation, persuasion and influencing skills – working with others to find a mutually agreeable (Win/Win) outcome. This may be considered a subset of communication, but it is often treated separately.
• Conflict resolution and mediation – working with others to resolve interpersonal conflict and disagreements in a positive way, which again may be considered a subset of communication.
• Problem solving and decision-making – working with others to identify, define and solve problems, which includes making decisions about the best course of action.

The Importance of Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills matter because none of us lives in a bubble.

In the course of our lives, we have to communicate with and interact with other people on a daily if not hourly basis, and sometimes more often. Good interpersonal skills ‘oil the wheels’ of these interactions, making them smoother and pleasanter for all those involved. They allow us to build better and longer-lasting relationships, both at home and at work.

Interpersonal skills at home

Good interpersonal skills help you to communicate more effectively with family and friends.

This is likely to be particularly important with your partner. For example, being able to give and receive feedback effectively with your partner can help to resolve small problems between you before they become big issues.

There is more about this, and other aspects of using interpersonal skills at home, in our pages on Personal and Romantic Relationship Skills and Parenting Skills .

Interpersonal skills at work

You may not like to think about it in these terms, but you almost certainly spend more time with your colleagues than your partner.

At work, you are required to communicate with and interact with a wide range of people, from suppliers and customers through to your immediate colleagues, colleagues further afield, your team and your manager. Your ability to do so effectively can make the difference between a successful working life, and one spent wondering what went wrong.

There are, of course, some jobs in which interpersonal skills are particularly important.

Customer-facing roles, such as sales and customer relations management, are likely to specify good interpersonal skills as a prerequisite. However, there are a number of other less obvious jobs and careers where interpersonal skills are also vitally important. These include:

Healthcare provision, including doctors, nurses and other healthcare professionals . Being able to listen to, and talk to, patients and their families is an essential skill, as is being able to give bad news in a sensitive way. We almost take these skills for granted in healthcare professionals—but we also know how devastating the situation can be when these professionals have poor skills and fail to communicate effectively.

Financial advice and brokerage . Financial advisers and brokers need to be able to listen carefully to their customers, and understand both what they are saying, and what they are not articulating. This enables them to provide recommendations that match their clients’ needs. Poor interpersonal skills mean that they will find it harder to build good customer relationships, and to understand customer needs.

Computer programming and development . This area is often thought of as the ultimate territory for ‘geeks’, with the assumption that interpersonal skills are not essential. However, technical developers increasingly need good interpersonal skills to understand their customers, and to be able to ‘translate’ between the technical and the practical.

Interpersonal Skills for Job Seekers

Good interpersonal skills are essential at work, but many people find them hard to demonstrate during a job application process. Some ideas to help include:

‘Naming and claiming’ in your CV or resume. Give a clear statement of a particular skill or skills that you possess, and then give examples to show how you have demonstrated them in practice. For example:

“I have excellent written communication skills, and my colleagues often ask me to check their written work for them before onward transmission.”

• Carefully name-checking any specific skills that are mentioned in the job description or person specification. Make life easy for the recruiter. In your personal statement or covering letter, use the same terms as the job description or person specification, and again, give examples.

For more ideas about how to improve your chances of getting a job, see our pages on Writing a CV or Resume , Writing a Covering Letter and Applying for a Job .

Developing Your Interpersonal Skills

Good interpersonal skills are the foundation for good working and social relationships, and also for developing many other areas of skill.

It is therefore worth spending time developing good interpersonal skills.

You Already Have Interpersonal Skills

We've all been developing our interpersonal skills since childhood, usually subconsciously.

Interpersonal skills often become so natural that we take them for granted, never thinking about how we communicate with other people. If you have developed good habits, this is fine. However, it is of course also possible to develop bad habits, and then fail to understand why your communications or relationships are suffering.

Improving and developing your interpersonal skills is best done in steps, starting with the most basic, but vital:

1. Identify areas for improvement

The first step towards improving is to develop your knowledge of yourself and your weaknesses.

You may already have a good idea of areas that you need to develop. However, it is worth seeking feedback from other people, because it is easy to develop ‘blind spots’ about yourself. You might also find it useful to do our Interpersonal Skills Self-Assessment.

Discover your interpersonal skills strengths and weaknesses.

Our free self-assessment covers listening skills, verbal communication, emotional intelligence and working in groups.

The self-assessment may give you an idea of which areas to develop first. It may, however, also be worth starting with the basics, and moving on from there.

2. Focus on your basic communication skills

Communication is far more than the words that come out of your mouth.

Some would even go so far as to suggest that there is a reason why you have two ears and one mouth, and that you should therefore listen twice as much as you talk!

Listening is very definitely not the same as hearing. Perhaps one of the most important things you can do for anyone else is to take the time to listen carefully to what they are saying, considering both their verbal and non-verbal communication. Using techniques like questioning and reflection demonstrates that you are both listening and interested.

Visit our Listening Skills pages to learn more.

When you are talking, be aware of the words you use. Could you be misunderstood or confuse the issue? Practise clarity and learn to seek feedback or clarification to ensure your message has been understood. By using questions effectively, you can both check others’ understanding, and also learn more from them.

Our page on Verbal Communication introduces this subject. You may also find our pages on Questioning and Clarification useful.

You may think that selecting your words is the most important part of getting a message across, but non-verbal communication actually plays a much bigger part than many of us are aware. Some experts suggest that around three-quarters of the ‘message’ is communicated by non-verbal signals such as body language, tone of voice, and the speed at which you speak.

These non-verbal signals reinforce or contradict the message of our words, and are much harder to fake than words. They are therefore a much more reliable signal. Learning to read body language is a vital part of communication.

For more about this, see our page on Non-Verbal Communication . If you are really interested, you may want to explore more, either about Body Language , or the importance of Face and Voice in non-verbal communication.

3. Improve your more advanced communication skills

Once you are confident in your basic listening and verbal and non-verbal communication, you can move on to more advanced areas around communication, such as becoming more effective in how you speak, and understanding why you may be having communication problems.

Our page on Effective Speaking includes tips on how to use your voice to full effect.

Communication is rarely perfect and can fail for a number of reasons. Understanding more about the possible barriers to good communication means that you can be aware of—and reduce the likelihood of—ineffective interpersonal communication and misunderstandings. Problems with communication can arise for a number of reasons, such as:

• Physical barriers , for example, being unable to see or hear the speaker properly, or language difficulties;
• Emotional barriers , such as not wanting to hear what is being said, or engage with that topic; and
• Expectations and prejudices that affect what people see and hear.

See our page Barriers to Communication for more information.

There are also circumstances in which communication is more difficult: for example, when you have to have an unpleasant conversation with someone, perhaps about their standard of work. These conversations may be either planned or unplanned.

There tend to be two issues that make conversations more difficult: emotion, and change.

• Various emotions can get in the way of communicating , including anger and aggression, or stress. Few of us are able to communicate effectively when we are struggling to manage our emotions, and sometimes the best thing that can be done is to postpone the conversation until everyone is calmer.
• Difficult conversations are often about the need for change . Many of us find change hard to manage, especially if it is associated with an implied criticism of existing ways of working.

Our page Communicating in Difficult Situations offers further ideas to help you to get your message across when stress levels or other emotions are running high.

4. Look inwards

Interpersonal skills may be about how you relate to others, but they start with you . Many will be improved dramatically if you work on your personal skills.

For example, people are much more likely to be drawn to you if you can maintain a positive attitude. A positive attitude also translates into improved self-confidence.

You are also less likely to be able to communicate effectively if you are very stressed about something. It is therefore important to learn to recognise, manage and reduce stress in yourself and others (and see our section on Stress and Stress Management for more). Being able to remain assertive, without becoming either passive or aggressive, is also key to effective communication. There is more about this in our pages on Assertiveness .

Perhaps the most important overarching personal skill is developing emotional intelligence.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand your own and others’ emotions, and their effect on behaviour and attitudes. It is therefore perhaps best considered as both personal and interpersonal in its nature, but there is no doubt that improving your emotional intelligence will help in all areas of interpersonal skills. Daniel Goleman, the author of a number of books on emotional intelligence, identified five key areas, three of which are personal, and two interpersonal.

The personal skills , or ‘how we manage ourselves’, are self-awareness , self-regulation , and motivation . In other words, the first steps towards understanding and managing the emotions of others is to be able to understand and manage our own emotions, including understanding what motivates us.

The social skills , or ‘how we handle relationships with others’, are empathy and social skills . These mean understanding and feeling for others, and then being able to interact effectively with them.

Improving your emotional intelligence therefore improves your understanding that other people have different points of view. It helps you to try to see things from their perspective. In doing so, you may learn something whilst gaining the respect and trust of others.

5. Use and practise your interpersonal skills in particular situations

There are a number of situations in which you need to use interpersonal skills. Consciously putting yourself in those positions, and practising your skills, then reflecting on the outcomes, will help you to improve.

For example:

Interpersonal skills are essential when working in groups.

Group-work is also a common situation, both at home and at work, giving you plenty of opportunity to work on your skills. It may be helpful to understand more about group dynamics and ways of working, as these can affect how both you and others behave.

For more about the different types of teams and groups, see our page An introduction to Teams and Groups , and for more about how people behave in groups, see Group and Team Roles . You can find more about the skills essential to team working in our page on Effective Team-Working .

Interpersonal skills may also be particularly helpful if you have to negotiate, persuade and influence others.

Effective negotiations—that is, where you are seeking a win–win outcome, rather than win–lose—will pave the way to mutual respect, trust and lasting interpersonal relations. Only by looking for a solution that works for both parties, rather than seeking to win at all costs, can you establish a good relationship that will enable you to work together over and over again.

Being able to persuade and influence others—again, for mutual benefit—is also a key building block towards strong interpersonal relations.

There is more about all of these in our pages on Negotiation and Persuasion . These pages explain negotiation , and discuss how it works , and explore the art of persuasion and influence in more detail.

Resolving and mediating in conflict scenarios can be a real test of interpersonal skills

Sometimes negotiation and persuasion are not enough to avoid conflict. When this happens, you need strong conflict resolution and potentially even mediation skills. Conflict can arise from poorly-handled interpersonal communications, and may be addressed simply by listening carefully to both sides, and demonstrating that you have done so. Finding a win–win situation is similarly important here, because it shows that you respect both sides.

These skills may be thought of as advanced communication skills. However, if you are often required to manage such situations, some specialist training may be helpful.

See our pages on Conflict Resolution and Mediation Skills for more.

Finally, problem-solving and decision-making are usually better when they involve more than one person

Problem-solving and decision-making are key life skills. While both can be done alone, they are often better for the involvement of more people. This means that they also frequently involve interpersonal elements, and there is no doubt that better interpersonal skills will help with both.

See our pages on Problem-Solving and Decision-Making for more.

6. Reflect on your experience and improve

The final element in developing and improving your interpersonal skills is to develop the habit of self-reflection. Taking time to think about conversations and interpersonal interactions will enable you to learn from your mistakes and successes, and continue to develop. You might, for example, find it helpful to keep a diary or learning journal and write in it each week.

For more about this, see our pages on Reflective Practice and Improving Communication Skills .

Further Reading from Skills You Need

The Skills You Need Guide to Interpersonal Skills eBooks.

Develop your interpersonal skills with our series of eBooks. Learn about and improve your communication skills, tackle conflict resolution, mediate in difficult situations, and develop your emotional intelligence.

Continue to: Developing Interpersonal Skills in Children Interpersonal Communication Skills Principles of Interpersonal Communication

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INTERPERSONAL SKILLS PRESENTATION NOTES FOR

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INTERPERSONAL SKILLS

Mar 11, 2019

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INTERPERSONAL SKILLS. THE ABILITY TO RELATE AND INSPIRE OTHERS BE TACTFUL, UNDERSTAND AND SHOW DIPLOMACY IN RESOLVING CONFLICTS. Interpersonal Skills/ Facilitation Skills. listening questioning. language & communication

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• transactions
• transactional analysis
• social transactions
• ulterior transactions influenced
• transactional analysis types iii

Presentation Transcript

INTERPERSONAL SKILLS THE ABILITY TO RELATE AND INSPIRE OTHERS BE TACTFUL, UNDERSTAND AND SHOW DIPLOMACY IN RESOLVING CONFLICTS.

Interpersonal Skills/ Facilitation Skills listening questioning language & communication using feedback conflict handling

ESSENTIAL IP COMPETENCIES • Self awareness • Control • Motivation • Acknowledging the interests of others • Communication skills

Factors Hampering Interpersonal Interactions • Poor Listening • Emotional Arousal • Lack of Time • Differences in objective

Eric Berne Transactional Analysis A unified system of individual and social psychiatry • A model for explaining why and how: • People think like they do • People act like they do • People interact/communicate with others

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS “Study of inter and intra individual transactions where there is a stimulus and response”. Transactional analysis is a method of analyzing human behavior in social transactions. It is a study of human relations through the study of stimuli and response. It is an extension of Freudian theory Id Ego Super Ego TA was developed by Eric Berne and popularized by Harries. Marial James, Dorthy Jongeward and Wagner.

Psycho-Analytical or Psycho-Dynamic Theory “Sigmund Freud’s STRUCTURAL MODEL OF MENTAL LIFE” ID Psychic energy Inherited, Presented at birth, Present in life. Store of wishes and unconscious. Strives for immediate pleasure and avoid pain. Insistent and rash. Does not tolerate un-comforts-tension. Immoral, animal drives, Unorganized. EGO The Gateway of Action Separates reality from unreality, Logical, realistic, practical and rational. Consciously distinguish between the demands of ID & Realities. Regulate and integrate inner motives and source of Tension release. SUPER EGO Sensor agent of – Value, belief and standards of the society. Ideals & noble thoughts. Acquired from parents, teachers, friends, religion, etc., Describes the right and wrong. Mediates, filters action.

EGO A Psychological State of an Individual, which Guide the Way of Feeling, Thinking and Behavior EGO Status Controlling Protective Critical Nurturing Instructive Help --------------- Control PARENT (Taught Ego) Rational Factual Unemotional Independent Problem solver ADULT (Acquired by Maturity) Free Dependent Spontaneous Curious Creative Rebel Clumsy Frustrated Pleasure seeking CHILD (Felt Ego) LP Adp

Types of Transactions COMPLIMENTARY OPEN P P P – P – C P= Parent A – A – C A=Adult C – C C=Child BLOCKED P – A C - P A A C C CROSS P P A A C C ULTERIOR - - Transactions influenced by other than ego status (Hidden Meanings) GALLOWS TRANSACTIONS - - In appropriate smile or love GAMES – Repeat, Find it ulterior, Sense at superficial level INEFFECTIVE STYLES OF GAMES – Perfectionist, Driver, Power game, and Pleasure game

Types of Transactions Complementary Transactions: Appropriate and Expected Transactions indicating healthy human relationships. Communication takes place when transactions are complementary. A stimulus invites a response; this response becomes a stimulus inviting further response and so on.

P P A A C C Transactional Analysis Types (I) Complementary transaction Supervisor Employee

Eric Berne and Transactional Analysis For a leader-follower, the following complementary transactions could occur:

CROSSED Transactions Crossed Transaction: This causes most difficulties in social situations. “May be, you should improve your study habits”. “You always find fault with me whatever I do” Parent-Child interaction.

Eric Berne and Transactional Analysis For a leader-follower, there are a number of possible crossed transactions:

P P P P A A A A C C C C Transactional Analysis Types (III) Ulterior transaction Supervisor Employee Supervisor Employee

LIFE POSITIONS “Assumption about self and others in the Societies” I am OK - You are not OK I am not OK - You are OK I am not OK - You are not OK I am OK - You are OK I am OK You are not OK I am OK You are OK POSITIVE Attitude Towards Self I am not OK You are not OK I am not OK You are OK NEGATIVE NEGATIVE POSITIVE

STROKES • Positive • Negative • Neutral

LIFE SCRIPTS AND STROKES: A stroke is a unit of recognition may be positive or negative of a condition or both, strokes are required for healthy behavior. Strokes may be physical, verbal or eye-to-eye contact. Child hood learning influences the behavior If a child lives with criticism, he/she learns to fight. If a child lives with hostility, he/she learns to condemn. If a child lives with ridicule, he/she learns to be shy. If a child lives with shame, he/she learns to feel guilty. If a child lives with tolerance, he/she learns to be patient. If a child lives with encouragement, he/she learns confidence. If a child lives with praise, he/she learns to appreciate. If a child lives with fairness, he/she learns justice. If a child lives with security, he/she learns to have faith. If a child lives with approval, he/she learns to like himself. If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he/she learns to find love in the world.

JOHARI WINDOW Feed Back Known to Self Unknown to Self Known to others Open Area Blind Area Discussion Hidden Area Unknown Area Unknown to others

Thomas’s Conflict Resolution Model • Compete-When? • Quick anddecisive action is vital • Unpopular actions need to be • implement • You know are right • Against people who take advantages • of non competitive behavior • Collaborate –If • An integrative solution is required • Your objective is to learn • You gain Commitment by transforming • concern in to consensus • You work through feelings that have • interfered with relations • Compromise-When--- • Goals are worthier than • efforts of assertive mode or disruption • When opponents of equal power are • committed to mutually exclusive goals • Temporary settlements are required • Collaboration or Competition are not • useful. • Accommodate, if- • You find, that you are • Wrong • You wish the co-operation • of others • You want social credits for • later issues • You expect others to learn • From their mistakes • Avoiding, if • If is a trivial issue • You perceive • chance of winning • Others can solve • it better than you • You want people • and situation to • cool down

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