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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

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posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

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How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

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Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

100 Must-Read Essay Collections

Rebecca Hussey

Rebecca holds a PhD in English and is a professor at Norwalk Community College in Connecticut. She teaches courses in composition, literature, and the arts. When she’s not reading or grading papers, she’s hanging out with her husband and son and/or riding her bike and/or buying books. She can't get enough of reading and writing about books, so she writes the bookish newsletter "Reading Indie," focusing on small press books and translations. Newsletter: Reading Indie Twitter: @ofbooksandbikes

View All posts by Rebecca Hussey

There’s something about a shiny new collection of essays that makes my heart beat a little faster. If you feel the same way, can we be friends? If not, might I suggest that perhaps you just haven’t found the right collection yet? I don’t expect everyone to love the thought of sitting down with a nice, juicy personal essay, but I also think the genre gets a bad rap because people associate it with the kind of thing they had to write in school.

Well, essays don’t have to be like the kind of thing you wrote in school. Essays can be anything, really. They can be personal, confessional, argumentative, informative, funny, sad, shocking, sexy, and all of the above. The best essayists can make any subject interesting. If I love an essayist, I’ll read whatever they write. I’ll follow their minds anywhere. Because that’s really what I want out of an essay — the sense that I’m spending time with an interesting mind. I want a companionable, challenging, smart, surprising voice in my head.

So below is my list, not of essay collections I think everybody “must read,” even if that’s what my title says, but collections I hope you will consider checking out if you want to.

1. Against Interpretation — Susan Sontag

2. Alibis: Essays on Elsewhere — André Aciman

3. American Romances — Rebecca Brown

4. Art & Ardor — Cynthia Ozick

5. The Art of the Personal Essay — anthology, edited by Phillip Lopate

6. Bad Feminist — Roxane Gay

7. The Best American Essays of the Century — anthology, edited by Joyce Carol Oates

8. The Best American Essays series — published every year, series edited by Robert Atwan

9. Book of Days — Emily Fox Gordon

10. The Boys of My Youth — Jo Ann Beard

11. The Braindead Megaphone — George Saunders

12. Broken Republic: Three Essays — Arundhati Roy

13. Changing My Mind — Zadie Smith

14. A Collection of Essays — George Orwell

15. The Common Reader — Virginia Woolf

16. Consider the Lobster — David Foster Wallace

17. The Crack-up — F. Scott Fitzgerald

18. Discontent and its Civilizations — Mohsin Hamid

19. Don’t Let Me Be Lonely: An American Lyric — Claudia Rankine

20. Dreaming of Hitler — Daphne Merkin

21. Self-Reliance and Other Essays — Ralph Waldo Emerson

22. The Empathy Exams — Leslie Jameson

23. Essays After Eighty — Donald Hall

24. Essays in Idleness — Yoshida Kenko

25. The Essays of Elia — Charles Lamb

26. Ex Libris: Confessions of a Common Reader — Anne Fadiman

27. A Field Guide to Getting Lost — Rebecca Solnit

28. Findings — Kathleen Jamie

29. The Fire Next Time — James Baldwin

30. The Folded Clock — Heidi Julavits

31. Forty-One False Starts — Janet Malcolm

32. How To Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America — Kiese Laymon

33. I Feel Bad About My Neck — Nora Ephron

34. I Just Lately Started Buying Wings — Kim Dana Kupperman

35. In Fact: The Best of Creative Nonfiction — anthology, edited by Lee Gutkind

36. In Praise of Shadows — Junichiro Tanizaki

37. In Search of Our Mother’s Gardens — Alice Walker

38. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? — Mindy Kaling

39. I Was Told There’d Be Cake — Sloane Crosley

40. Karaoke Culture — Dubravka Ugresic

41. Labyrinths — Jorge Luis Borges

42. Living, Thinking, Looking — Siri Hustvedt

43. Loitering — Charles D’Ambrosio

44. Lunch With a Bigot — Amitava Kumar

45. Madness, Rack, and Honey — Mary Ruefle

46. Magic Hours — Tom Bissell

47. Meatless Days — Sara Suleri

48. Meaty — Samantha Irby

49. Meditations from a Movable Chair — Andre Dubus

50. Memories of a Catholic Girlhood — Mary McCarthy

51. Me Talk Pretty One Day — David Sedaris

52. Multiply/Divide: On the American Real and Surreal — Wendy S. Walters

53. My 1980s and Other Essays — Wayne Koestenbaum

54. The Next American Essay, The Lost Origins of the Essay, and The Making of the American Essay — anthologies, edited by John D’Agata

55. The Norton Book of Personal Essays — anthology, edited by Joseph Epstein

56. Notes from No Man’s Land — Eula Biss

57. Notes of a Native Son — James Baldwin

58. Not That Kind of Girl — Lena Dunham

59. On Beauty and Being Just — Elaine Scarry

60. Once I Was Cool — Megan Stielstra

61. 100 Essays I Don’t Have Time to Write — Sarah Ruhl

62. On Kissing, Tickling, and Being Bored — Adam Phillips

63. On Lies, Secrets, and Silence — Adrienne Rich

64. The Opposite of Loneliness — Marina Keegan

65. Otherwise Known as the Human Condition — Geoff Dyer

66. Paris to the Moon — Adam Gopnik

67. Passions of the Mind — A.S. Byatt

68. The Pillow Book — Sei Shonagon

69. A Place to Live — Natalia Ginzburg

70. Playing in the Dark: Whiteness and the Literary Imagination — Toni Morrison

71. Pulphead — John Jeremiah Sullivan

72. Selected Essays — Michel de Montaigne

73. Shadow and Act — Ralph Ellison

74. Sidewalks — Valeria Luiselli

75. Sister Outsider — Audre Lorde

76. The Size of Thoughts — Nicholson Baker

77. Slouching Towards Bethlehem — Joan Didion

78. The Souls of Black Folk — W. E. B. Du Bois

79. The Story About the Story — anthology, edited by J.C. Hallman

80. A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again — David Foster Wallace

81. Ten Years in the Tub — Nick Hornby

82. Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Black Man — Henry Louis Gates

83. This Is Running for Your Life — Michelle Orange

84. This Is the Story of a Happy Marriage — Ann Patchett

85. Tiny Beautiful Things — Cheryl Strayed

86. Tuxedo Junction: Essays on American Culture — Gerald Early

87. Twenty-eight Artists and Two Saints — Joan Acocella

88. The Unspeakable — Meghan Daum

89. Vermeer in Bosnia — Lawrence Weschler

90. The Wave in the Mind — Ursula K. Le Guin

91. We Need Silence to Find Out What We Think — Shirley Hazzard

92. We Should All Be Feminists — Chimamanda Ngozi Adichi

93. What Are People For? — Wendell Berry

94. When I Was a Child I Read Books — Marilynne Robinson

95. The White Album — Joan Didion

96. White Girls — Hilton Als

97. The Woman Warrior — Maxine Hong Kinston

98. The Writing Life — Annie Dillard

99. Writing With Intent — Margaret Atwood

100. You Don’t Have to Like Me — Alida Nugent

If you have a favorite essay collection I’ve missed here, let me know in the comments!

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by Michelle Boyd Waters, M.Ed.  

Essays Every High School Student Should Read

December 4, 2016 in  Pedagogy

One of the most important goals of any English class should be to help students learn how to express themselves to an audience — how to tell their own stories, how to provide much-needed information, and how to convince others to see things from a different perspective.

Below are some essays students can read, not only to help them see how such writing is done in the real world, but also to learn more about the world around them.

[bctt tweet=”Need a #mentortext for student essays? Check out these exemplars for personal narrative, argumentative, and expository essay writing.”]

Note : This is a living list. I will continue adding to it as I find important essays and articles, and as my readers make suggestions.

If You Think Racism Doesn’t Exist by Jordan Womack | Lesson Plan

A 17-year-old Oklahoma author details incidents of discrimination he has faced within his own community. Brief, yet impactful, the author’s authenticity strikes readers at their core and naturally leads the audience to consider other perspectives.

Facebook hack ‘worse than when my house burned down’ says teacher by Michelle Boyd Waters, M.Ed.

When a hacker destroyed my Facebook account and I couldn’t find a way to reach out to Facebook, I decided to use my story, voice, and platform to shed light on a situation faced by people around the world. This can serve as a mentor text for students writing personal narratives on shared experiences in the context of current events.

Letter from a Vietnamese to an Iraqi Refugee by Andrew Lam

Vietnamese lecturer, journalist, and author Andrew Lam offers advice in this letter to a young Iraqi refugee he sees in a photograph on the Internet.

Allowing Teenage Boys to Love Their Friends by Jan Hoffman

Learn why early and lifelong friendships are as vital for boys as they are for girls and what happens when those friendships are fractured.

Chris Cecil: Plagiarism Gets You Fired by Leonard Pitts Jr

The Miami Herald columnist and 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Commentary winner castigates a Georgia newspaper editor for plagiarizing his work. This column would go great with this followup article from The Boston Globe: Ga. Editor is Fired for Lifting Columns .

Class Dismissed by Walter Kirn

The author of Lost in the Meritocracy postulates that getting rid of the high school senior year might be good for students.

Complaint Box | Packaging by Dylan Quinn

A high school junior complains about the impossible-to-open packaging faced by consumers of everything “from action figures to zip drives.”

Drowning in Dishes, but Finding a Home  by Danial Adkison

In this 2014 essay, a teenager learns important lessons from his boss at Pizza Hut.

How to Tame a Wild Tongue by Gloria Anzaldua

An American scholar of Chicana cultural theory discusses how she maintained her identity by refusing to submit to linguistic terrorism.

Humble Beast: Samaje Perine by John Rohde

The five-time Oklahoma Sportswriter of the Year features the University of Oklahoma’s running back.

In Praise of the F Word by Mary Sherry

An adult literacy program teacher argues that allowing students to fail will actually help them.

The Joy of Reading and Writing: Superman and Me by Sherman Alexie

A Native American novelist recounts his experience loving reading and finally writing in spite of a culture that expected him to fail in the “non-Indian world” in order to be accepted.

Lane’s Legacy: One Final Ride by Keith Ryan Cartwright

A heartbreaking look back at the hours before and the circumstances surrounding Lane Frost’s untimely death, followed by reflections on his rise to fame — before and after death.

Learning to Read by Malcolm X

The 1960s Civil Rights leader writes about how educating himself in prison opened his mind and lead him to become one of the leading spokesmen for black separatism.

Learning to Read and Write by Frederick Douglass

A former slave born in 1818 discusses how he learned to read in spite of laws against teaching slaves and how reading opened his eyes to his “wretched condition, without remedy.”

Learning From Animal Friendships by Erica Goode

Scientists consider studying the phenomenon of cross-species animal friendships like the ones you see on YouTube.

Losing Everything, Except What Really Matters by Dan Barry

After a 2011 tornado destroys a house, but spares the family, a reporter writes about what’s important.

The Marked Woman by David Grann

How an Osage Indian family in Oklahoma became the prime target of one of the most sinister crimes in American history.

Meet Mikey, 8: U.S. Has Him on Watch List by Lizette Alvarez

Read about what happens if you happen to share a name of a “suspicious person” on the U.S. No-Fly List.

Newly Homeless in Japan Re-Establish Order Amid Chaos by Michael Wines

After the tsunami that resulted in nuclear disaster in 2011, a reporter writes about the “quiet bravery in the face of tragedy” of the Japanese people.

No Ordinary Joe by Rick Reilly

Why in creation did American Football Conference’s 1981 best young running back Joe Delaney jump into that pit full of water that day, even though he couldn’t swim?

Politics and the English Language By George Orwell

Animal Farm and 1984 author, Orwell correlates the degradation of the English language into multi-syllabic drivel and the corruption of the American political process.

Serving in Florida by Barbara Ehrenreich

The Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By in America author tells about her experiences attempting to survive on income of low-paying jobs.

Starvation Under the Orange Trees by John Steinbeck

John Steinbeck, who later authored the fictionalized account of Okies in California, The Grapes of Wrath, first wrote this essay documenting the starvation of migrant workers in California during the Great Depression.

To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This by Mandy Len Catron

Is falling in love really a random event, or can two people “love smarter?”

We’ll Go Forward from this Moment by Leonard Pitts

The 2004 Pulitzer Prize for Commentary winner pens a column chronicling the toughness of the American family’s spirit in the face of the September 11, 2001 World Trade Center attacks. He wrote the column one day after the attacks.

What’s Wrong with Black English? by Rachel L. Jones

Jones, a student at Southern Illinois University in the 1980s, wrote this piece for Newsweek. In her essay, Jones adds her story and perspective to the debate over Black English.

Related topics: Mentor Texts , Teaching Writing

About the author 

Michelle Boyd Waters, M.Ed.

I am a secondary English Language Arts teacher, a University of Oklahoma student working on my doctorate in Instructional Leadership and Academic Curriculum with an concentration in English Education and co-Editor of the Oklahoma English Journal. I am constantly seeking ways to amplify students' voices and choices.

A wonderful list of essays! I have neglected to teach essays as literature (only as student writing samples before we began work on an essay, after a novel). I’m looking forward to using these!

Thank you very much! I’d love to hear (or read) your feedback on the selections. Your input can help other teachers decide which essays to teach their students.

This list looks really great. Unfortunately, the first two links I chose were not working. One took me to a professors homepage and the other never opened.

Thank you for letting us know. I checked the “If you think racism doesn’t exist” went to the WordPress.com site where the author wrote his article and “Letter from a Vietnamese to an Iraqi Refugee” went to the Huffington Post article. Is it possible that your school web filter is blocking WordPress and Huffington Post?

Thank you for this. I am teaching a summer class that prepares 8th graders for high school essay writing. Trying to find a way to make it more creative and interesting, even interactive. I like the essays. If you have ideas about specific ways to use them, beyond reading and discussion, I would love to hear them.

You’re welcome! I think additional activities would depend on who your students are, their interests, and which essay(s) you plan to use. Perhaps if you join our RTE Facebook group and tell us about your kids and the essay you want to use, we can devise some activities to help them engage. Check us out here .

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Summer Reader Poll 2019: Funny Books

We did it for the lols: 100 favorite funny books.

Petra Mayer

The news cycle is driving us to the edge of madness, so why not switch off, unplug and pick up a book? We know you could use a laugh right now — and luckily, several thousand of you told us all about the books, stories and poems that make you laugh .

We took your votes (more than 7,000 of them!) and with the help of our panel of expert judges — people so cool and so hilarious I'm surprised they even talked to me — created this list of 100 reads designed to make you laugh out loud. Want slice-of-life essays? Loopy poetry? Surreal one-panel cartoons? Blackly comic novels? Texts from famous literary figures? Scroll down — we've got it all.

As with all our reader polls, this is a curated list and not a straight-up popularity contest; you'll see that the books are grouped into categories rather than ranked from one to 100.

Summer Reader Poll 2018: Horror

Click if you dare: 100 favorite horror stories.

Summer Reader Poll 2017: Comics And Graphic Novels

Let's get graphic: 100 favorite comics and graphic novels.

And, as always, there are a few things that didn't make the list — surprisingly, Shakespeare didn't get enough votes to make it to the semifinals, and our judges decided the immortal Bard of Avon didn't exactly need our help to find new readers. (But read some Shakespeare anyhow, just for the scorching burns in Much Ado About Nothing .) Then there were books that didn't quite stand the test of time, or were so new we couldn't tell whether they'd stand up.

Some of the authors on this list are incredibly popular, and you voted them in over and over again (three guesses as to whom, and the first two don't count, David Sedaris). Because space is limited, we try to hold each author to one spot on the list, but there are some exceptions — in 2015, for the romance poll, we created the Nora Roberts Rule . We've applied it somewhat ... flexibly, but it generally means that each year, one particularly beloved or prolific author gets two spots on the list. This year, we used it for an actual Nora, Nora Ephron, which our judges thought was the perfect application.

And speaking of our judges, you will find a couple of their works on the list this year — we don't let judges vote for their own work, but readers loved Samantha Irby's We Are Never Meeting In Real Life and Guy Branum's My Life as a Goddess , so the panel agreed they should stay.

Laughter is the best medicine, or so we hear — so read two (heck, read three) and call us in the morning!

To make navigating the list a little easier, click these links to get to each category: Memoirs , Essays , Comics & Cartoons , Novels , Fantasy & Science Fiction , Nonfiction , Kids' Books & YA , Poetry , Classics , Short Stories and ... Deep Thoughts (no, really, just Deep Thoughts . We couldn't figure out where else to put it).

Born A Crime

by Trevor Noah

Daily Show host Trevor Noah was born in South Africa in 1984, to a white father and a black mother — against the law under the apartheid system. In this memoir, by turns funny and wrenching, he describes the lengths his parents went to keep him safe and hidden from the authorities. "I think it set me up for where I am now in life," he told NPR's Renee Montagne in 2016 . "More of my comedy and my showbiz, and that feeling came for me partly from my mother, came for me from the world that I lived in."

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Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas

by Hunter S. Thompson

We put this in the Memoirs section because Raoul Duke and Dr. Gonzo are, more or less, based on Hunter S. Thompson and his buddy Oscar Zeta Acosta ... but one category can't really contain this drug-addled desert odyssey. "If you're gonna take a road trip and you're gonna do it by car, I'm sad to say that the best you can hope for is for yours to be the second-greatest of all time," says our critic Jason Sheehan . "Why? Because Hunter Thompson and Oscar Zeta Acosta have already taken the top slot and will hold it forever."

by Tina Fey

Reading Tina Fey's delightful memoir is like eating a bucket of movie popcorn — you can't stop until you get to the bottom. But unlike a bucket of movie popcorn, Bossypants will leave you light and happy and wishing you were at least a tenth as cool as Tina Fey. (And yes, of course, there's also lots about actually being a boss on the sets of Saturday Night Live and 30 Rock .)

Funny In Farsi

by Firoozeh Dumas

When Firoozeh Dumas moved to America as a child, she knew exactly seven words of English — the names of seven colors. (Her father had taught English in Iran, but as it turned out, he wasn't that great at speaking American.) Funny in Farsi is a charming chronicle of her family's encounters with American culture, from her mother's fondness for The Price is Right to the true meaning of "elbow grease."

I Feel Bad About My Neck

by Nora Ephron

A few years ago when we did the romance poll, our judges created the Nora Roberts Rule : Normally, an author gets only one slot in the final list, but someone as legendary as Ms. Roberts can have two (she got in as herself and as her pen name, J.D. Robb). We applied that rule again this year to another Nora — Nora Ephron, because we couldn't decide between this candid, rueful, hilarious collection of essays on aging as a woman and her scathing autobiographical novel Heartburn, which you'll see farther along in the list.

Wishful Drinking

by Carrie Fisher

Oh, Carrie Fisher. We miss you so much. Luckily, Fisher's words are still here for us — Wishful Drinking, adapted from her autobiographical stage show, is a painfully funny, unsparing account of her childhood as Hollywood royalty; her own ascent to fame, far too young, with Star Wars; and marrying (and divorcing) Paul Simon. What's it like to have your parents' marriage broken up by Elizabeth Taylor? And to have your own action figure at the age of 19? Fisher lays it all out.

Let's Pretend This Never Happened

by Jenny Lawson

Jenny Lawson kicks off this memoir with a story about how, at the age of 3, she allegedly almost set her family's apartment on fire by shoving a broom into the furnace and then waving it, aflame, around her head. And things don't get any less weird from there — in fact, Lawson says she has spent her whole life being pigeonholed as "that weird girl." Is it a little embellished? Yes. (Lawson herself calls it "a mostly true memoir" on the cover.) Is it hilarious? Also yes, even when Lawson is recounting the more painful parts of her life.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

by Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling's combination memoir, advice column and Hollywood tour is irreverent and eminently relatable — from her childhood struggles with weight and popularity to her eventual career breakthrough. But the most resonant part is her description of herself as a teenage comedy nerd breaking away from a familiar childhood clique to write sketches and film clips with a new friend who actually appreciated the glories of Wayne's World and Monty Python's Flying Circus .

My Life As A Goddess

by Guy Branum

"Guy Branum's collection of essays isn't just a hilarious memoir — though don't get me wrong, it is VERY much that," says Pop Culture Happy Hour's Glen Weldon. "It's a call to arms, a stirring, touching, beautifully written manifesto for queer self-made autodidacts everywhere — anyone who has failed to see themselves reflected in popular culture and knew that meant the culture had to change, not them. The searing insight with which he dissects his late father's love of the film The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance, for example, will have you reassessing fathers, sons, violence, masculinity and — not for nothing — the film The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance ."

Priestdaddy

by Patricia Lockwood

Patricia Lockwood grew up with a Catholic priest for a father (he had originally been a Lutheran, and kept his wife and family through a special Vatican dispensation) who converted onboard a submarine during a showing of The Exorcist. Her memoir is part freewheeling family portrait and part scathing, ribald critique of the Church and its predatory, controlling men — our critic Annalisa Quinn calls the book " antic, deadpan, heartbreaking — and so, so gross ."

Running With Scissors

by Augusten Burroughs

Augusten Burroughs' darkly comic memoir chronicles his childhood as the son of alcoholic, troubled parents who eventually sent him to live in the chaotic household of a psychiatrist he describes as almost like a cult leader. Both his family and that of the doctor have challenged his account — but as long as you're not holding to journalistic standards of truth, Running With Scissors is a wild ride of a read, by turns disgusting, upsetting and hilarious.

Life Among The Savages

by Shirley Jackson

Sure, everyone knows Shirley Jackson as the queen of chills — find me someone who claims to not have read "The Lottery" and I'll find you a liar. But Jackson had another life as a humorist, whose wry, detailed observations about her family and their small Vermont town — originally published in women's magazines — share a little bit of that edge, that darkness that makes her horror writing so powerful.

The Last Black Unicorn

by Tiffany Haddish

"I just kept pushing," comedian Tiffany Haddish told NPR in 2017 , "because I know what I'm supposed to do here on this Earth." The Last Black Unicorn is her account of what she had to keep pushing through on her way to success — including an abusive marriage, years in foster care and, ultimately, the challenge from a social worker that put her on the path to a career in comedy. Haddish herself says she couldn't mine her marriage for laughs, but the rest of the book is honest, funny and, in the end, inspiring.

Ayoade On Ayoade

by Richard Ayoade

British actor and filmmaker Richard Ayoade — The IT Crowd 's beloved, awkward Moss — began directing music videos in 2007 and made his full-length directorial debut with Submarine in 2010. Mix that love of film with his comedic chops and you get Ayoade on Ayoade, an extremely loosely autobiographical series of essays (and silly footnotes) in which he interviews himself about his career as a filmmaker and the movies that shaped him. Did I mention the footnotes?

by Amy Poehler

Amy Poehler takes off her wigs and costumes and steps out of character for her memoir, Yes Please — a decision she says was difficult . But it's fun getting closer to the real Poehler in this funny, eclectic, somewhat scattershot book and discovering the thought process behind some of her most indelible characters.

I Was Told There'd Be Cake

by Sloane Crosley

If David Sedaris thinks you're funny, you're probably pretty funny — and he has called Sloane Crosley "perfectly, relentlessly funny." I Was Told There'd Be Cake is her debut collection, and it introduces her as an original yet definitely relatable voice. Who among us, after all, hasn't worried about dying suddenly and having friends and family discover something embarrassing — like a stash of toy ponies under the sink — while cleaning out our stuff?

Me Talk Pretty One Day

by David Sedaris

Everybody has a favorite David Sedaris collection. Many champion his early fiction/memoir-hybrid stuff like Barrel Fever and Naked, but in Me Talk Pretty, the hilarious essayist mines his real life — strip-mines it, in some cases — and the result feels richer, truer. In the first half, he selects moments from his childhood as well as his life as a writer in New York City for gentle (and not-so-gentle) (and often self-) mockery. In the second half, Sedaris manages to write about moving to a country house in France with his lover in a way that's so fresh and funny we somehow get over our seething jealousy.

Assassination Vacation

by Sarah Vowell

Sarah Vowell walks the reader through the first three U.S. presidential assassinations (Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley), but make no mistake: This is no whistle-stop tour. Vowell, in her sardonic but never caustic way, grounds us firmly in the era in question while never missing an opportunity to draw trenchant parallels to our own. She visits gravesites and ghoulish medical museums, but the book doesn't seem so much death-obsessed as death-charmed. You'll come away wanting to trace her steps to the Washington, D.C., boardinghouse where the Lincoln assassins met and plotted, which is now, as she notes, a karaoke restaurant serving better-than-average bubble tea.

by David Rakoff

Readers voted in almost every book David Rakoff ever wrote, but our judges agreed that Half Empty — in which he writes about the power of what he calls "defensive pessimism," or assuming the worst — was, in fact, the best. "I can see a great beauty in acknowledging the fact that the world is dark," Rakoff told NPR's Linda Wertheimer in 2010. While writing the book, he learned he had the cancer that would eventually kill him, but as he put it in another interview , with defensive pessimism, "you imagine the worst-case scenario you can and you go through it step by step, and you dismantle those things and you manage your anxiety about it."

Cool, Calm, And Contentious

by Merrill Markoe

Merrill Markoe has won multiple Emmy Awards for her work as a writer on Late Night with David Letterman, but she is less well-known than a lot of the other funny women on this list. (On her website, she claims to be "haunted by the fear that the creation of 'Stupid Pet Tricks' was going to be the only thing that would appear in her obituary.") So pick up this volume of essays and start getting to know Markoe — we promise, she's really funny.

We Are Never Meeting In Real Life

by Samantha Irby

Readers loved this painfully relatable collection of essays from poll judge Samantha Irby, and rightfully so — you may cringe occasionally as you read, but it'll be because you know you've done exactly what Irby is describing in such droll, deadpan fashion. Also, her cat, Helen Keller, is one of the greatest comic creations of all time.

If Life Is A Bowl Of Cherries What Am I Doing In The Pits

by Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck was an American humorist who, yes, captured the travails of suburban life and homemaking in the pages of newspapers and women's magazines — as well as weekly segments on Good Morning America for over a decade. But she was also a consummate prose stylist. You can't read a Bombeck essay without hearing the weary affection behind every withering observation and her clear-eyed charm that never devolved to familiar clichés. This collection of essays finds her at the very top of her game as a voice for millions of Americans who were beginning to realize that the American dream was one that came with its share of night terrors.

You Can't Touch My Hair

by Phoebe Robinson

Phoebe Robinson is one-half of the awesome podcast 2 Dope Queens and a fierce voice for diversity in comedy . Her debut essay collection is about black hair, yes, but also about what it's like to be the one black friend in your group ("Hint," she writes, "it's annoying"), what it's like to be black in general ("very cool and awesome and also annoying") and, as she puts it, "all the stuff that makes some dude on the Internet call me a 'See You Next Tuesday.' " You should also check out her follow-up collection, Everything's Trash, But It's Okay.

I Can't Date Jesus

by Michael Arceneaux

Writer Michael Arceneaux grew up black, gay and Catholic in Houston, an experience he chronicles in this eloquent, honest — and extremely funny — essay collection. He told Fresh Air's Terry Gross that his very religious mother hated the book's title, but it actually came from a conversation they had. "I know that you're born gay. I know that you can't help it. But if you have sex and get hit by a bus, I don't know where you're going to go," his mother told him — to which he replied, "Well, girl, I can't date Jesus."

The Awkward Thoughts Of W. Kamau Bell

by W. Kamau Bell

Comedian W. Kamau Bell says he has spent most of his life feeling awkward — growing up tall, but not an athlete, interested in comedy but feeling out of place in comedy clubs. He writes about that, along with race relations, intersectionality, politics and being a blerd (a black nerd) in this conversational collection that will leave you feeling like you've spent the afternoon with a very funny and definitely smarter-than-you friend.

One Day We'll All Be Dead And None Of This Will Matter

by Scaachi Koul

Scaachi Koul grew up in Canada the child of Indian immigrants, an experience she draws on in this sharp-edged collection of essays. Koul takes on some tough subjects — privilege, gender roles, online abuse and all the things that have made her miserable — but she manages to wring laughs out of it all.

So Sad Today

by Melissa Broder

Writer Melissa Broder started the @sosadtoday Twitter account in 2012 to deal with a merciless cycle of panic attacks and anxiety that went on and on. Which doesn't sound like great material for comedy, but sometimes the only way out of unhappiness is to make fun of it. As she puts it in the introduction to this collection, based on those darkly funny tweets, "There aren't that many ways to find comfort in this world. We must take it where we can get it, even in the darkest, most disgusting places."

The Fran Lebowitz Reader

by Fran Lebowitz

Collecting her bestsellers Metropolitan Life and Social Studies, this indispensable volume of Fran Lebowitz's essays transports the reader to a place (New York City) and a time (late '70s-early '80s) with uncanny specificity. Lebowitz writes lean but compact prose as effortless as it is ruthless. You could bounce a quarter off every blistering sentence, every scalding take (her ferocious defense of smoking in restaurants, for example) and come away with your eyebrows happily singed. They call her the modern-day Dorothy Parker, but there's a generation of contemporary writers who'd kill to be called the heir apparent to Fran Lebowitz.

The Misadventures Of Awkward Black Girl

by Issa Rae

Our judges and you, the readers, were unanimous in wanting to see Issa Rae's debut collection on this list. Named after her hit Web comedy series — but written in her own voice, rather than that of her character in the show — it's a winningly deadpan account of all the awkward, frustrating and embarrassing moments that helped shape her (as well as a guide to navigating any awkward situations you might find yourself in). Also, Rae had a great conversation with our own Michel Martin about the Web series, which you can check out here .

Vacationland

by John Hodgman

John Hodgman wrote his first few books in a voice one might call "Erudite, Condescending Polymath," but with 2011's That is All, he began to drop that pose and let notes of searching melancholy enter the mix. That process continued apace with this, his fourth book, a collection of essays built from his life as a writer, husband, father, friend, homeowner, full-time Yankee and part-time Mainer. He's as funny and charming as ever here, but he is also more worried, more doubtful, shuffling off the carapace of intellectual swagger to expose something more raw and relatable.

You'll Grow Out Of It

by Jessi Klein

In this collection, comedy writer Jessi Klein — she won an Emmy as the head writer for Inside Amy Schumer — considers everything from life as a tomboy to her philosophical objections to baths ("I feel like getting in the bath is a kind of surrender to the idea that we can't really make it on land," she writes). Poll judge Aparna Nancherla says Klein "is an absolute genius at taking an experience she's had and making it universally relatable using the most delightful imagery you would have never thought of, but is, in fact, the perfect and only description."

Comics And Cartoons

by Noelle Stevenson

Noelle Stevenson's breakout graphic novel about a charming shape-shifter who apprentices herself to the local villain starts as a lighthearted comic fantasy — and blossoms into a morally and emotionally complex (but still funny) story about good and evil, love and friendship and betrayal. Our critic Tasha Robinson calls it "a perpetual surprise ... still puckish even when it turns grim, but for something that starts out so lighthearted and silly, it's astonishingly intense."

Hark! A Vagrant

by Kate Beaton

History and literature (even Canadian history and literature) were never more fun than in Kate Beaton's Hark! A Vagrant. Beaton's loose, rubbery and incredibly expressive renderings of the Kennedy family, Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester, and Odysseus encountering Sirens posing with Facebook duck lips will make you laugh for sure — and you might even learn something. (For example, she was way ahead of the rest of us on Rosalind Franklin .)

Almost Completely Baxter

by Glen Baxter and Marlin Canasteen

Glen Baxter is British, something that isn't immediately apparent in his masterful drawings of cowboys holding each other at gunpoint over a shirtful of kumquats or a strange speech balloon. And if that previous sentence went in a direction you didn't exactly expect, so do Baxter's surreally deadpan one-panel cartoons, each with a caption like "Hubert gazed on in awe at the morsel" or "The concept of the dimmer switch had yet to reach the Lazy K bunkhouse."

The Complete Far Side

by Gary Larson

If you grew up in the '80s, Gary Larson's laconic cows and chickens, befuddled scientists, aliens and ever present women in cat's-eye glasses were an indelible part of your cultural landscape. Or if you were my dad, you bought yourself a Far Side cartoon-a-day calendar every year, carefully saved your favorite jokes, wrapped them up and gave them to yourself at Christmas so you could savor them all again (Jane Goodall, that tramp!).

Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?

by Roz Chast

Cartoonist Roz Chast turns her pen on herself in this painfully funny account of taking care of her aging parents after they became incapable of living alone. Chast's jittery, wordy style is perfect for depicting the indignities of age as they affected her overbearing mother and her gentle, unassuming father — who referred to each other unironically as "soul mates" and who, in Chast's words, "aside from WWII, work, illness and going to the bathroom ... did everything together."

The Great Outdoor Fight

by Chris Onstad

Chris Onstad's resonantly weird comic about anthropomorphic animals doesn't really have an ongoing story, but it does have a few standout arcs — including this one, about the legendary, 3,000-man Great Outdoor Fight. Ray Smuckles — nominally a cat — discovers that his dad, Ramses, won the 1973 fight, so he is determined to repeat the feat with the help of his best friend, Roast Beef. But things go sideways when Ray realizes he is going to have to beat Beef to win. Onstad's art is spare at best, but his cats (and otters and robots) speak with a kind of poetry that'll stick in your head long after you close the book.

Woman World

by Aminder Dhaliwal

There are grim, dystopian visions of what life would be like if one gender went missing — think Y: The Last Man — and then there's Aminder Dhaliwal's gently goofy Woman World . Human males are mysteriously extinct in her world, and the women really aren't all that worked up about it. Our critic Etelka Lehoczky says their comfortable, uninhibited, matter-of-fact (and occasionally nude) lives make for a " remarkably sly and devastating critique of patriarchy ."

Hyperbole And A Half

by Allie Brosh

Allie Brosh adapted her deranged but deep blog into this book, which collects her bright, crude and incredibly quotable comics about All The Things , from grammar peeves and depression to the unholy power of a little kid's dinosaur costume. She described it to Fresh Air's Terry Gross as "stand-up comedy in book form," adding that her signature style — tubular bodies, shark-fin hair and mismatched goggle eyes — is "what I'm like when I view myself. I am this crude absurd little thing, this squiggly little thing on the inside."

The Unbeatable Squirrel Girl (Comics)

by Ryan North and Erica Henderson

Eats nuts, kicks butts! Ryan North and Erica Henderson reboot one of the weirder Marvel heroes as a bubbly, irrepressible computer science major who relies just as much on her STEM chops as on her ability to communicate with squirrels in defeating the bad guys. The marginalia — including footnotes and imaginary social media chats between SG and other Marvel characters — are almost as fun as the main story.

The Essential Calvin And Hobbes

by Bill Watterson

A boy, his stuffed tiger, some tuna sandwiches and a really useful cardboard box — cartoonist Bill Watterson didn't need much to spin this heartfelt, gloriously loopy paean to childhood (and childhood imagination). Watterson stopped drawing the strip more than 20 years ago (sob!) but luckily we still have The Essential Calvin and Hobbes. It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy ... let's go exploring!

Trust No Aunty

by Maria Qamar

Artist Maria Qamar — known on Instagram as hatecopy — turned her online work into this bright, satirical pop art-inflected tribute to the overbearing "aunties" who meddle in her life. "An aunty is any older woman who thinks she knows what's best for you," Qamar told NPR . "My mom's family is huge, so I have a million aunties."

Bridget Jones's Diary

by Helen Fielding

"V. v. good!" as Bridget Jones herself would say. Helen Fielding's messy, relatable heroine is an icon of chick lit — and really, literature in general. Follow along with Bridget Jones for a tumultuous year of too many cigarettes, too many alcohol units consumed, three colorful best friends and the one and only Mr. Mark Darcy.

A Confederacy Of Dunces

by John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole's singular novel is the kind of book you'll finish, put down, and instantly pick up to read again — though you may feel a little weird spending so much time with Toole's belching, bellowing protagonist Ignatius J. Reilly as he torments his long-suffering mother, attempts (with comic lack of success) new jobs, and lolls in bed with his Big Chief tablets full of ramblings about medieval history. The city of New Orleans is almost as much of a character as Reilly is; Toole's rendering of street life, local characters and accents brings it blazing off the page.

by Joseph Heller

Joseph Heller's masterpiece captures the brutal absurdity of war by building absurdity into the prose itself ("The Texan turned out to be good-natured, generous and likable. In three days no one could stand him"). Structurally innovative and blisteringly funny in its indictment of humanity in general and the military in particular, Heller's novel became a phenomenon, and its title, referring to a military diktat that a soldier cannot claim insanity to avoid flying missions, because asking not to fly proves one sane, entered the lexicon as a means to describe, broadly, a no-win situation.

French Exit

by Patrick Dewitt

To make a "French exit" means to leave without saying goodbye — and in the case of "moneyed, striking" widow Frances Price, to ditch Manhattan for Paris, along with her lumpish, loyal son and geriatric cat in order to avoid looming penury and scandal. "All good things must end," says Frances at the start of the book — so savor Patrick DeWitt's mix of understatement and over-frankness while it lasts.

Crazy Rich Asians

by Kevin Kwan

Kevin Kwan's tale of love complicated by absurd amounts of money is as fizzy as a flute of Champagne sipped in a super-deluxe first-class cabin. As far as NYU professor Rachel Chu knows, her boyfriend, Nick Young, is reasonably well-off. But when she agrees to spend the summer with him back home in Singapore, she discovers his family owns half the island — and everyone's got their knives out for the nobody from New York.

Dear Committee Members

by Julie Schumacher

Julie Schumacher's epistolary novel is a little bit unusual — instead of recording a correspondence between writers, the story here unfolds through an increasingly unhinged series of letters from one man, a disaffected creative writing professor who's got no problem writing incredibly insulting letters of "recommendation" for his students. "He is the sort of rageful person who you feel yourself to be, before the superego takes over and tells you, 'Don't say that,' " Schumacher told NPR in 2014 .

High Fidelity

by Nick Hornby

Rob, the ostensible hero of Nick Hornby's brilliantly incisive comic novel, is not just a bad boyfriend — though he is very much that — he's a bad nerd. He's the kind of obsessive who's not content to love what he loves — in his case, music. No, he and his co-workers at his London record shop insist on reducing music to an endless series of lists to be memorized, categorized, cross-referenced and, mostly, used as a cudgel to lord their expertise over others. Years before nerd culture became inescapable, Hornby had captured something essential about the contemporary male — how fear of intimacy inspires a fondness for arcana, and the corresponding conviction that personal taste is a reliable arbiter of worth.

The Princess Bride

by William Goldman

If you've only seen the movie version of The Princess Bride, you're in for a treat (not to denigrate the movie, which is pretty much the most quotable movie of all time). All your favorite characters have complex, well-rounded backstories. And William Goldman's original framing device is much funnier and more elaborate than the movie's simple storytime — Goldman claims to be searching for the book his father read to him as a child, only to discover that the real book is excruciatingly boring and his father was only reading him the good parts (not a spoiler, I promise). And in the interest of not spoiling things, we won't talk about how different the ending is ...

What happens when a power couple short-circuits? Nora Ephron's autobiographical novel about the collapse of her high-profile marriage to reporter Carl Bernstein is filled with righteous fury, though it's filtered through Ephron's gimlet eye for the perfect, cutting detail. Her novelistic stand-in is a food writer, so she includes several recipes that send up the prose style of those we would nowadays call foodies, even as they underscore Ephron's tart-tongued ambivalence about being treated as a "woman writer."

Big Trouble

by Dave Barry

We love Dave Barry for his gently humorous approach to real life — but poll voters also loved his debut novel, a comic thriller about a truly catastrophic chain of events set off when a dumb kid with a watergun gets mixed up in an actual assassination attempt. In his foreword, Barry refers to the novel as part of the "Bunch of South Florida Wackos" genre, so fans of Carl Hiaasen will definitely get a bang out of Big Trouble.

In God We Trust

by Jean Shepherd

If you've ever seen a leg lamp in a basement rec room, or triple-dog-dared a friend to do something stupid, you've experienced the comic legacy (har har) of Jean Shepherd, whose affectionately ironic stories about his Depression-era Indiana childhood were eventually made into the cult movie A Christmas Story . (Interestingly enough, a lot of them were originally published in Playboy magazine — but you can find them in this handy-dandy compilation and its follow-up volume, Wanda Hickey's Night of Golden Memories. )

by Christopher Moore

What if Jesus Christ knew kung fu? That's the after-midnight dorm room musing at the heart of Christopher Moore's novel about the parts of Jesus' life that aren't detailed in the Bible. He is born and laid in the manger, sure — and then the next time we see him, he's in his 30s and kicking money-changers out of the Temple. So what was he doing all those years? Enter "Levi who is called Biff," resurrected by the angels after two millennia to tell the story of his adventures with his childhood best friend — including a trip to China to study martial arts.

Jitterbug Perfume

by Tom Robbins

Dueling perfumers! Ancient Eurasia! A multidimensional quest for immortality! Pan, the goat-god! Characters named Wiggs Dannyboy and Bingo Pajama! Welcome to Tom Robbins' sprawling, sexy cult novel (are there any Tom Robbins novels that cannot be said to be cult novels?). Jitterbug Perfume . Every Robbins novel has its devotees, but Jitterbug matches the author's gift for hilarious wordplay with his ability to spin disparate plot threads that ultimately weave together in surprising but hugely satisfying ways.

Daisy Fay And The Miracle Man

by Fannie Flagg

We thought the Fannie Flagg book that might end up on this list would be Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe — but readers went for Flagg's first novel, about irreverent almost-sixth-grader Daisy Fay Harper and her life on Mississippi's Gulf Coast during the 1950s. (The title comes from Daisy's ne'er-do-well dad, who concocts a get-rich-quick scheme with a local preacher to milk the faithful for money by pretending to raise Daisy from the dead.)

by Andrew Sean Greer

"Andrew Sean Greer's Pulitzer-winning comic novel about a middle-aged gay man on a round-the-world trip is light in tone but never slight in impact," says our own Glen Weldon. "The narrator observes the absent-minded Arthur Less' sexual and logistical perambulations with an artisanal blend of exasperation and affection, only occasionally granting us access to the wider, deeper story Less is running away from. As funny as it is, it's achingly poignant about what's been lost — an entire generation of gay men who aren't around to model what aging can look like. All that, plus a final image that leaves you gasping — and grinning."

The Sellout

by Paul Beatty

Paul Beatty was the first American to win the Man Booker Prize, for his blistering satire The Sellout . It's the story of an African American man who ends up being tried in court for reintroducing segregation in his hometown, and even owning a slave — a terrible transgression in our supposedly post-racial era. Our critic Michael Schaub calls it a comic masterpiece and also "one of the smartest and most honest reflections on race and identity in America in a very long time."

Made For Love

by Alissa Nutting

Alissa Nutting's wild ride of a novel is set in Florida (where else) and begins with the protagonist rolling up at her father's trailer only to find he's living with a sex doll. Named Diane. "It's absolutely ridiculous but also FULL OF JOKES, and the characters are fully realized and hilarious," says poll judge Samantha Irby. "There's dolphin romance and a lifelike sex doll and robots!! It's perfect."

My Sister, The Serial Killer

by Oyinkan Braithwaite

Korede, the protagonist in Oyinkan Braithwaite's debut novel, is tired. Tired of cleaning up the bloody crime scenes after her beautiful sister Ayoola murders yet another boyfriend. Korede knows she has to stop her sister, but she can't quite bear to see her get caught. Our critic Annalisa Quinn praises Braithwaite's " vicious, delicious deadpan " that borrows from soap operas as much as it does from Hitchcock.

The World According To Garp

by John Irving

"In the world according to Garp, we are all terminal cases." That's the famous last line of John Irving's novel — a sprawling, darkly funny family saga about a moderately successful writer, his uncompromisingly feminist mother (who turns out to be much more successful with her own writing), and the strange but winning community that forms around them.

Nobody's Fool

by Richard Russo

Richard Russo's sprawling, irascibly funny novel invites us to eavesdrop on the townsfolk of the less-than-idealized upstate New York village of North Bath — once a posh spa resort, and now home to a motley assortment of down-on-their-luck locals. And there's none more motley or luckless than Donald "Sully" Sullivan, a wisecracking, 60-year-old, bandy-legged old cuss who clings to a rootless existence "divorced from his own wife, carrying on halfheartedly with another man's, estranged from his son, devoid of self-knowledge, badly crippled and virtually unemployable — all of which he stubbornly confused with independence." Russo's prose and dialogue crackle with dry, mordant wit.

by Carl Hiaasen

Carl Hiaasen was all over the poll results, but we went with Skinny Dip, a classic that packs in everything you want from Hiaasen: crooked businessmen, crooked scientists (crooked everyone, really), an attempted murder gone flamboyantly wrong, colorfully bizarre supporting characters (also crooked) and exotic animals, all stewing in the swampy Florida heat.

The Wangs Vs. The World

by Jade Chang

The Wangs — the titular family in Jade Chang's debut novel — are having a bad year. Financial disaster has left them destitute, and they're on an epic cross-country road trip from their lost mansion in California to a new life crowded into the remaining family home in the Catskills. Critic Jason Heller says "their madcap trip serves as a travelogue of American weirdness, from desolate sands of the Mojave desert to the breakfast buffets of the Deep South."

Fantasy And Science Fiction

Discworld (series).

by Terry Pratchett

There are almost as many ways to read Terry Pratchett's classic comic fantasy series as there are volumes in it. Do you prefer witches? Specifically, badass teenage witches? Perhaps you're more the type for wizards? Bumbling guardsmen? Charismatic swindlers? Death personified (and his pale steed Binky)? Or maybe a stand-alone adventure (seriously, read Monstrous Regiment )? There's one thing most Pratchett fans agree on — skip the first two books, and if you must start at the beginning, go with Equal Rites, which introduces one of Pratchett's most iconic characters: the formidable witch Granny Weatherwax.

The Tough Guide To Fantasyland

by Diana Wynne Jones

Diana Wynne Jones starts with the idea that every single fantasy narrative is set in one place, called "Fantasyland," and follows it to the furthest reaches of absurdity in this mock travel guide. If, while on your Tour of Fantasyland, you need help decoding a Small Ambiguous Confrontation, figuring out whether a brown-haired person with silver eyes is Good or Evil or deciding what to order at an Inn (the answer is nothing, because Inns serve only Stew and Beer), the Tough Guide is an indispensable companion — far more useful than the Bard, Female Mercenary or Unpleasant Stranger that Management may have added to your party.

To Say Nothing Of The Dog

by Connie Willis

If time travel really existed, it seems obvious that historians would have a go at it. Connie Willis imagines just that in To Say Nothing of the Dog — a romp between centuries that kicks off when a time-traveling Oxford researcher accidentally brings something back from the Victorian era, prompting a mad scramble to prevent the timeline from disruption. The title is a reference to Jerome K. Jerome's 1889 comic travelogue, Three Men in a Boat (To Say Nothing of the Dog), which you'll find in the Classics section of this list. And yes, there is a boat and a thoroughly delightful dog.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (Series)

by Douglas Adams

Do you know where your towel is? Are you prepared for the horrors of Vogon poetry? Do you know how to fly? (It's easy: Just throw yourself at the ground, and miss.) Douglas Adams' spacefaring epic about a bumbling, bathrobe-wearing human and his hitchhiking alien friend has warped the minds of countless impressionable baby nerds. Adams' voice and his comic sensibility were sui generis; lots of authors have tried to imitate him over the decades, and lots of authors have failed. Don't forget your Babel fish.

Thursday Next (Series)

by Jasper Fforde

If you've ever talked about diving into a book, getting lost in a book or wishing you could visit your favorite literary character in person, Jasper Fforde's delightfully surreal Thursday Next series is for you. Thursday herself is a literary detective in an alternate 1980s England where the Crimean War never ended, dodos have been reverse-engineered out of extinction and the BookWorld is as real as the world outside your door — and just as prone to crime and mischief (just ask all the Shakespeare forgers and Dickens thieves).

A Walk In The Woods

by Bill Bryson

In all of his books, Bill Bryson skillfully and hilariously mixes exhaustive scholarship with personal, and often ruefully self-deprecating, anecdotes. Never more so, perhaps, than in A Walk In The Woods , about his many abortive attempts to hike the Appalachian Trail. Whether he's supplying the reader with useful information about the behavior and habitat of black bears, or describing in painful detail how woefully unprepared he found himself for the challenge before him, Bryson is an indispensable guide to both the eccentrics, and the ecology, of the AT.

How To Weep In Public

by Jacqueline Novak

Jacqueline Novak's combination memoir and advice book is a brilliant read for anyone who has depression — and anyone wanting to learn more about it. It's the darkest of dark humor (check out the chapter about the joys crying on your cat), written by someone who knows that when you're down in the dumps, lying on the floor is great because at least you can't fall any further.

The New Joys Of Yiddish

by Leo Rosten and Lawrence Bush

"No dictionary has ever taken so much pride or pleasure in exploring a language," says poll judge Guy Branum. "From the nuances of the many words for penis and prostitute to the use of classic jokes to illustrate definitions, it's bound to leave you farmisht, verklempt and occasionally farblondjet. " And, I might add — a lebn af dayn kopf!

by Lindy West

Sometimes it seems like any woman who speaks up in public gets tagged as "shrill." Writer Lindy West embraces the label in this memoir — now a very funny TV show — about life as a loud, fat woman who refuses to comply with the demands society places on women's bodies and voices — and not only survives, but thrives.

How To Be A Woman

by Caitlin Moran

Part memoir and part banners-on-the-barricades defense of feminism, Caitlin Moran's How to Be a Woman is packed with funny, provocative observations on what it's like to be a woman today. "People get really scared when women reclaim words, talk about themselves honestly and also make jokes because it's a really unstoppable combination," Moran told Fresh Air's Terry Gross in 2012. "It's part of the reason why I decided to use humor in my book because it's kind of hard to argue with someone who's making you laugh."

by Mary Roach

Morbidly fascinating and cringingly funny, Mary Roach's dissection (heh) of humanity's use of cadavers in science and medicine is enlivened (sorry) by her cheery enthusiasm for the subject and her deft ability to explain, say, the process of decomposition in hilarious, disgusting detail — and utter clarity. The book touches on issues of morality, ethics and spirituality, but never gets bogged down in them, buoyed by a sincere fondness for the wonders of science.

Kids' Books And YA

Sal & gabi break the universe.

by Carlos Hernandez

Gabi Real just knows Sal Vidon is the one who planted a raw chicken in a bully's locker, but how? Sal is an amateur magician, true — but beyond that, he has a truly arcane skill: He can open holes in the space-time continuum and pull out all kinds of things, including alternate versions of his deceased mother. Quantum high jinks, a wonderful team of friends and descriptions of incredibly delicious Cuban food make this a delightful read, though you may be hungry afterward.

Sideways Stories From Wayside School

by Louis Sachar

Wayside School was supposed to have 30 classrooms in a row, all on one floor. But instead, it was built with 30 classrooms all on top of each other in a teetering tower full of terribly cute children and extremely odd teachers. (Watch out for Mrs. Gorf — you don't want to be turned into an apple!) OK, the children are pretty odd, too, (especially Leslie, who tries to sell her own toes) but extremely entertaining.

The Phantom Tollbooth

by Norton Juster and Jules Feiffer

Join Milo and Tock the Watchdog on a road trip through the Kingdom of Wisdom in search of the exiled princesses Rhyme and Reason — with stops along the way to jump to Conclusions, get stalled out in the Doldrums and tangle with short Officer Shrift. Norton Juster's classic takes every figure of speech you can imagine and makes them gloriously literal — you'll never look at a square meal the same way again.

Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging

by Louise Rennison

Fourteen-year-old Georgia Nicolson is a comic creation right up there with her spiritual older sister, Bridget Jones. Angus is her cat — who keeps trying to eat the poodle next door. And thongs? "They just go up your bum, as far as I can tell." Georgia's sometimes minute-to-minute chronicle of the indignities of life with embarrassing parents and a toddler sister is a comic delight. Yes, the book is full of snarky British slang, but author Louise Rennison has thoughtfully included a glossary at the back of the book for us Yanks.

The Stinky Cheese Man And Other Fairly Stupid Tales

by Jon Scieszka and Lane Smith

Writer Jon Scieszka and illustrator Lane Smith's picture book riffs on classic kids' tales such as "Chicken Little" and "The Gingerbread Man" but outfits them with a knowing, smart-alecky, meta-fictional attitude. The narrator admonishes one character for trying to start her story on the inside cover of the book; other characters get flattened when the Table of Contents collapses on them. Lane Smith's gorgeously grotesque art lends the book a disquietingly surreal feeling while driving home the humor. There have been plenty of children's books that delight in fracturing classic fairy tales, but none of them is this gleefully, and thoroughly, weird.

Where The Sidewalk Ends

by Shel Silverstein

Every kid should have copies of Shel Silverstein's poetry books, A Light in the Attic and Where the Sidewalk Ends — but every discerning kid knows that Sidewalk is the superior of the two, because it has "Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout," ol' man Simon in his garden full of diamonds and, of course, the terrible Boa Constrictor. (Oh, heck, it's up to my neck!) Silverstein's Ralph-Steadman-for-kids illustrations are just the icing on the kingly cake.

Archy And Mehitabel

by Don Marquis

Archy, a free verse poet reincarnated as a cockroach, lives in a newspaper office and spends his evenings jumping on the keys of a typewriter to bang out, yes, free verse descriptions of the critters he encounters every day — including, most memorably, Mehitabel the alley cat, who claims to have once been Cleopatra. Get the edition illustrated by Krazy Kat creator George Herriman, for maximum cat-and-cockroach glee.

The Best Of Ogden Nash

by Ogden Nash and Linell Nash Smith

"Being a Great Bad Poet is actually super hard," says poll judge Alexandra Petri, but Ogden Nash is one of the best. His loopy abuses of rhyme and meter swing so far out that they come back around to greatness, and this collection brings together a feast of his greatest. It's an easy read, too, since so many of his poems are bite-size. Always remember: "If called by a panther/Don't anther."

by Aristophanes

The great-great-we're-not-counting-all-the-greats granddaddy of all the works on this list. Ancient Greek playwright Aristophanes sends up the intellectual fashions of Athens in this work, thought to have been produced for the stage around 423 B.C. Aristophanes doesn't pull any punches — in fact, he was so mean about his contemporary Socrates, depicting him as a fraud and mocking his famed teaching style, that Plato indirectly blamed him for Socrates' trial and execution. Spicy!

Jeeves And Wooster (Series)

by P. G. Wodehouse

Apparently, there are people in America who don't know that House star Hugh Laurie was once a comic actor. Which is a shame, because he is the perfect embodiment of upper-class nitwit Bertie Wooster in the '90s TV adaptation of P.G. Wodehouse's classic novels. Wooster and his impossibly competent butler, Jeeves, exist in a lovely, unmoored England with a vaguely 1920s feel, untroubled by anything more than unpleasant aunts, finicky fiancées and hapless friends. Carry on, Jeeves!

by Voltaire

Voltaire coined the term "best of all possible worlds" in this scabrous 1759 satire on optimism and disillusionment. Candide himself is a cheerful young man whose at first uncomplicated life goes as wrong as it possibly can, leading him — eventually — to reject his tutor's stubborn insistence that all is for the best. Though it was banned for blasphemy (among other sins) shortly after its publication, it's never been out of print since, and it's considered one of the most influential works in Western literature.

Cold Comfort Farm

by Stella Gibbons

There's something nasty in the woodshed! Sophisticated city girl Flora Poste finds herself an orphan at the age of 19, so she decides to move in with her rural relatives, the doom-and-gloom Starkadders — including Aunt Ada Doom, a recluse ever since her woodshed encounter at the age of 2 — and takes it upon herself to improve their lives. Our favorite librarian, Nancy Pearl, calls it " a deliciously entertaining read ." The movie's pretty great, too.

Pride And Prejudice

by Jane Austen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that Jane Austen was plenty funny even without zombies or secret diaries (or Bridget Jones's Diary — which you'll find elsewhere on this list). If you can read about Mrs. Bennet's nerves, or Mary's purse-lipped piety, or Kitty and Lydia's antics without cracking a smile, you're more sour a soul than Lady Catherine de Bourgh.

Roughing It

by Mark Twain

Sure, we know Mark Twain as a writer and a humorist — but as a young man he went west and tried his hand at prospecting in the wilds of Nevada, alongside his good friend Calvin Higbie (the book is inscribed to Higbie, in honor of "the Curious Time When We Two WERE MILLIONAIRES FOR TEN DAYS" after finding and losing an ill-fated gold claim). It's not quite fact and not quite fiction — rather, it's a glorious tall tale of misadventures in a place long gone.

Importance Of Being Earnest

by Oscar Wilde

Few people have contributed as many bons mots to English literature as Oscar Wilde, and a lot of them are in his most popular play, about two Victorian louts who are anything but earnest in their endless attempts to wiggle out of the era's stifling social strictures. Wilde's writing is like a good cocktail: tart, refreshing and complex — and liable to leave you a little giddy.

The Loved One

by Evelyn Waugh

Personally, as a journalist (says Petra), I was hoping readers would vote in Evelyn Waugh's wicked journalism satire Scoop — but no, you guys preferred The Loved One, his savage take on death, American style. Waugh had visited Hollywood in 1947, and while he had no truck with the big studios or their interest in his work, he found great inspiration in the famous Forest Lawn cemetery (Bette Davis is buried there!) and its team of morticians.

by Kingsley Amis

Kingsley Amis' biting satire of college life follows the unfortunate Jim Dixon, a junior medieval history professor at a middle-of-nowhere university who has to put up with all kinds of indignities. Amis was swapping letters and jokes and rants about the world in general with his friend the poet Philip Larkin as he wrote it (in fact, Jim Dixon is based partly on Larkin), so if you don't know Larkin's bitter gem " This Be the Verse ," go read it now and you'll get an idea of where their heads were at. Just be ready for a little profanity.

The Portable Dorothy Parker

by Dorothy Parker and Marion Meade

If Dorothy Parker isn't already the voice of your inner monologue, you can carry her around in book form with The Portable Dorothy Parker, which collects favorite stories like "The Big Blonde," her magazine writings and criticism, and, of course, her eminently quotable poetry, which though dark, delicately skirts the edge of utter hopelessness ("you might as well live").

Three Men In A Boat (To Say Nothing Of The Dog)

by Jerome K. Jerome and Geoffrey Harvey

"I did not intend to write a funny book at first," Jerome K. Jerome (and yes, that is his name) once said. Apparently, he intended this comic travelogue to be an actual travel guide for people considering boating expeditions along the Thames — but the characters, based on Jerome and his friends, quickly took over. (We regret to inform you that Montmorency, the excellent dog, is entirely fictional.) Jerome made comic hay out of the most mundane things, like weather, boats and English food — keep an eye out for the episode of the canned pineapple!

The Pursuit Of Love

by Nancy Mitford

Nancy Mitford was a journalist, novelist and part of the notorious "Bright Young Things" who ruled London's social scene between the wars. Our judge Guy Branum picked The Pursuit of Love, Mitford's lightly fictionalized memoir of her aristocratic British childhood and her famous (and sometimes infamous) sisters. "The book delights in cruel wit and endless scandal," he says — and if you enjoy The Pursuit of Love, there are two more books featuring the same characters.

My Life and Hard Times

by James Thurber

No list of funny books would be complete without writer and cartoonist James Thurber, one of the finest American humorists of the 20th century. Lots of readers voted in his story " The Night the Bed Fell ," a confection of chaos that only tangentially concerns the actual bed — but we thought we'd give you more Thurber, so here's the book that contains that story, his illustrated account of growing up in Columbus, Ohio, with a family of peerless eccentrics and a rather put-upon bull terrier.

The Benchley Roundup

by Robert Benchley and Nathaniel Benchley

Humorist and occasional actor Robert Benchley held down one curve of the famed Algonquin Round Table (along with Dorothy Parker, whom you'll find elsewhere on this list), and this collection, curated by his son Nathaniel, rounds up (har har) some of his most timeless pieces on everything from Shakespeare to football. As our poll judge Alexandra Petri says, "You gotta have Benchley! He's a funnier Thurber!"

Short Stories

Texts from jane eyre.

by Daniel Mallory Ortberg

You KNOW, you just know that if Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester could text, he'd be bombarding her with florid all-caps inanities — and that she would shut him down demurely. "JANE I BOUGHT YOU A DRESS MADE OF TEN THOUSAND PEARLS AS A BRIDAL PRESENT." "where on earth would I wear that." But honestly, the best part of this entirely delightful book is Daniel Mallory Ortberg's impression of Emily Dickinson, whose fractured phrases are already text perfect.

"Victory Lap"

by George Saunders

"Victory Lap" is part of George Saunders' acclaimed collection Tenth of December, which you should also read. But start with this story (conveniently, the first one in the book), which veers from uneasily charming to bleakly funny to black as night, right before it whacks you in the head with a precious, expensive geode; those stars you're seeing are a tiny sparkle of hope.

Deep Thoughts

by Jack Handey

"I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it." We had to end the list with Jack Handey's little nuggets of absurdity, so cue the sunset backdrop and the easy-listening music, and remember that rain means God is crying — probably because of something you did.

Literary Elements in Zootopia

Review Plot Diagram with The Simpsons

Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts

• By Amanda in Lesson Ideas , Reading Comprehension , Writing

Seriously – stories both you and your students will laugh out loud reading. Humor varies from person to person, so I have two very different essays in the hopes that you and your students will at least be able to connect to one.

To make sure this is actually useful for everyone, I’m only including essays that, at the time of posting this, are available for free online. And I’ll include a little bit about what I focus on with each to give you a jumping-off point.

To be honest, I’m posting this today as a bit of a reminder for myself that school can be fun and funny. Another pandemic year is underway. It won’t be easy, but maybe a little bit of humor can help us through it.

What to do with said hilarious short stories and essays? I tend to work with students who struggle with reading and writing. Most of my classes are remediation ELA where I have two goals: help them pass the state test and help them learn to love reading again. The humor helps get them through to the practice state test questions I have to give them. I know, I know. Teaching to the test. I hate it, too. But here we are and I know I’m not alone. The least I can do is give them engaging material. And maybe, even with the test questions after, they can rediscover how fun (and funny) stories can be.

A Super-Classy Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Classy Fellow by Paul Feig

Recognize the name? He’s been directing and writing some of my favorites for decades: Freaks and Geeks , Bridesmaids , and the 2016 version of Ghostbusters . His essay reminds me of Freaks and Geeks , one of my favorite shows when I was in high school. It’s a personal essay about how he took a chance on one of the most popular girls at school and succeeded in landing his first kiss – but then swiftly did something mortifying that ruined any future kisses from said popular girl. Ouch. Click HERE to read his cringe-worthy essay.

• short personal essay
• well-written and relatable
• low lexile but high engagement
• he uses the word “boner” three times (know your audience and district if you use this)

What to do with it

State testing questions, of course. Booooo. Yup. Agreed. I only give half-a-dozen multiple choice questions that are heavily modeled after the PA Keystones test they’ll soon be taking.

Now for the fun part: have your students use this as a model for their own personal essays. Point out some of Feig’s style techniques and have your students practice similar paragraphs or entire essays. Maybe they don’t want to write about their most embarrassing love-life experiences. Understandable. But there’s a solid paragraph here (or three) where Feig is unsure about something and he sprinkles in questions he’s asking himself as he weighs his options. Give students a prompt about an important decision they had to make (or unimportant like what to eat for lunch) and challenge them to match his humor with their internal questions peppered in the paragraph(s).

Big Boy by David Sedaris

Please note that I will NEVER talk about funny authors without including David Sedaris. So here I am, defiling my nice list of memoir-style narratives with an essay about a giant poop referred to as “big boy,” “the biggest piece of work I’ve ever seen,” “beast,” “monster,” and “man-made object.” In fact, I’m the lowly writer here using the term poop while Sedaris never does in his piece. He’s classy like that. Click HERE to read this fabulously classy piece.

• relatable piece
• extremely funny
• super short
• lots of figurative language
• it’s an essay about poop
• David reading is own work is always preferable since he has killer delivery, but I don’t see this with the same wording anywhere. Not really a con, more of a bummer.

What to do with it?

Definitely dive into all the figurative language he’s woven through the piece. Have the students read only the first few lines about the lovely Easter dinner he’s about to have and then guess what will come next based on the title and mood of the setting. Talk about how ironic the rest of the story is in comparison.

Similar to Feig he includes his thoughts which add to the humor in the piece. Have students describe a seemingly minor problem and then include dramatic thoughts and statements. The climax in this story is impressive given its topic. The reader is practically sweating along with Sedaris even though the actual situation is not life-or-death. Examples of times people get really panicky? In a dressing room with something too tight that may never come off your body without you Hulking out of it. Clothing malfunction like ripped pants or a well-placed stain while you’re at a wedding or some other formal affair. There just needs to be a situation where one person is having a secret melt-down in a very public setting while no one around them notices it.

Me, too! But I’m having the worst time finding anything appropriate and available, for free (not breaking copyright laws). So I’d love to hear suggestions if you have any.

I’ll keep updating this post as your suggestions come in and I’m hoping to eventually have some worksheets to go with these that are worthy of posting online.

Love bringing laughter into the classroom? Me, too! Check out these other posts on humorous lessons:

David Sedaris’s reading of his Santaland Diaries

Hilarious Ted Talks

Using Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the classroom

• david sedaris , ela lesson , essay , funny , mentor writing , nonfiction , paul feig

This is my ninth year teaching. I'm certified in secondary English and special education. I love creating engaging lessons that help to reach all students regardless of ability. I don't post my real picture because I like to keep my privacy.

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The 10 Best Essay Collections of the Decade

Ever tried. ever failed. no matter..

Friends, it’s true: the end of the decade approaches. It’s been a difficult, anxiety-provoking, morally compromised decade, but at least it’s been populated by some damn fine literature. We’ll take our silver linings where we can.

So, as is our hallowed duty as a literary and culture website—though with full awareness of the potentially fruitless and endlessly contestable nature of the task—in the coming weeks, we’ll be taking a look at the best and most important (these being not always the same) books of the decade that was. We will do this, of course, by means of a variety of lists. We began with the best debut novels , the best short story collections , the best poetry collections , and the best memoirs of the decade , and we have now reached the fifth list in our series: the best essay collections published in English between 2010 and 2019.

The following books were chosen after much debate (and several rounds of voting) by the Literary Hub staff. Tears were spilled, feelings were hurt, books were re-read. And as you’ll shortly see, we had a hard time choosing just ten—so we’ve also included a list of dissenting opinions, and an even longer list of also-rans. As ever, free to add any of your own favorites that we’ve missed in the comments below.

The Top Ten

Oliver sacks, the mind’s eye (2010).

Toward the end of his life, maybe suspecting or sensing that it was coming to a close, Dr. Oliver Sacks tended to focus his efforts on sweeping intellectual projects like On the Move (a memoir), The River of Consciousness (a hybrid intellectual history), and Hallucinations (a book-length meditation on, what else, hallucinations). But in 2010, he gave us one more classic in the style that first made him famous, a form he revolutionized and brought into the contemporary literary canon: the medical case study as essay. In The Mind’s Eye , Sacks focuses on vision, expanding the notion to embrace not only how we see the world, but also how we map that world onto our brains when our eyes are closed and we’re communing with the deeper recesses of consciousness. Relaying histories of patients and public figures, as well as his own history of ocular cancer (the condition that would eventually spread and contribute to his death), Sacks uses vision as a lens through which to see all of what makes us human, what binds us together, and what keeps us painfully apart. The essays that make up this collection are quintessential Sacks: sensitive, searching, with an expertise that conveys scientific information and experimentation in terms we can not only comprehend, but which also expand how we see life carrying on around us. The case studies of “Stereo Sue,” of the concert pianist Lillian Kalir, and of Howard, the mystery novelist who can no longer read, are highlights of the collection, but each essay is a kind of gem, mined and polished by one of the great storytellers of our era.  –Dwyer Murphy, CrimeReads Managing Editor

John Jeremiah Sullivan, Pulphead (2011)

The American essay was having a moment at the beginning of the decade, and Pulphead was smack in the middle. Without any hard data, I can tell you that this collection of John Jeremiah Sullivan’s magazine features—published primarily in GQ , but also in The Paris Review , and Harper’s —was the only full book of essays most of my literary friends had read since Slouching Towards Bethlehem , and probably one of the only full books of essays they had even heard of.

Well, we all picked a good one. Every essay in Pulphead is brilliant and entertaining, and illuminates some small corner of the American experience—even if it’s just one house, with Sullivan and an aging writer inside (“Mr. Lytle” is in fact a standout in a collection with no filler; fittingly, it won a National Magazine Award and a Pushcart Prize). But what are they about? Oh, Axl Rose, Christian Rock festivals, living around the filming of One Tree Hill , the Tea Party movement, Michael Jackson, Bunny Wailer, the influence of animals, and by god, the Miz (of Real World/Road Rules Challenge fame).

But as Dan Kois has pointed out , what connects these essays, apart from their general tone and excellence, is “their author’s essential curiosity about the world, his eye for the perfect detail, and his great good humor in revealing both his subjects’ and his own foibles.” They are also extremely well written, drawing much from fictional techniques and sentence craft, their literary pleasures so acute and remarkable that James Wood began his review of the collection in The New Yorker with a quiz: “Are the following sentences the beginnings of essays or of short stories?” (It was not a hard quiz, considering the context.)

It’s hard not to feel, reading this collection, like someone reached into your brain, took out the half-baked stuff you talk about with your friends, researched it, lived it, and represented it to you smarter and better and more thoroughly than you ever could. So read it in awe if you must, but read it.  –Emily Temple, Senior Editor

Aleksandar Hemon, The Book of My Lives (2013)

Such is the sentence-level virtuosity of Aleksandar Hemon—the Bosnian-American writer, essayist, and critic—that throughout his career he has frequently been compared to the granddaddy of borrowed language prose stylists: Vladimir Nabokov. While it is, of course, objectively remarkable that anyone could write so beautifully in a language they learned in their twenties, what I admire most about Hemon’s work is the way in which he infuses every essay and story and novel with both a deep humanity and a controlled (but never subdued) fury. He can also be damn funny. Hemon grew up in Sarajevo and left in 1992 to study in Chicago, where he almost immediately found himself stranded, forced to watch from afar as his beloved home city was subjected to a relentless four-year bombardment, the longest siege of a capital in the history of modern warfare. This extraordinary memoir-in-essays is many things: it’s a love letter to both the family that raised him and the family he built in exile; it’s a rich, joyous, and complex portrait of a place the 90s made synonymous with war and devastation; and it’s an elegy for the wrenching loss of precious things. There’s an essay about coming of age in Sarajevo and another about why he can’t bring himself to leave Chicago. There are stories about relationships forged and maintained on the soccer pitch or over the chessboard, and stories about neighbors and mentors turned monstrous by ethnic prejudice. As a chorus they sing with insight, wry humor, and unimaginable sorrow. I am not exaggerating when I say that the collection’s devastating final piece, “The Aquarium”—which details his infant daughter’s brain tumor and the agonizing months which led up to her death—remains the most painful essay I have ever read.  –Dan Sheehan, Book Marks Editor

Robin Wall Kimmerer, Braiding Sweetgrass (2013)

Of every essay in my relentlessly earmarked copy of Braiding Sweetgrass , Dr. Robin Wall Kimmerer’s gorgeously rendered argument for why and how we should keep going, there’s one that especially hits home: her account of professor-turned-forester Franz Dolp. When Dolp, several decades ago, revisited the farm that he had once shared with his ex-wife, he found a scene of destruction: The farm’s new owners had razed the land where he had tried to build a life. “I sat among the stumps and the swirling red dust and I cried,” he wrote in his journal.

So many in my generation (and younger) feel this kind of helplessness–and considerable rage–at finding ourselves newly adult in a world where those in power seem determined to abandon or destroy everything that human bodies have always needed to survive: air, water, land. Asking any single book to speak to this helplessness feels unfair, somehow; yet, Braiding Sweetgrass does, by weaving descriptions of indigenous tradition with the environmental sciences in order to show what survival has looked like over the course of many millennia. Kimmerer’s essays describe her personal experience as a Potawotami woman, plant ecologist, and teacher alongside stories of the many ways that humans have lived in relationship to other species. Whether describing Dolp’s work–he left the stumps for a life of forest restoration on the Oregon coast–or the work of others in maple sugar harvesting, creating black ash baskets, or planting a Three Sisters garden of corn, beans, and squash, she brings hope. “In ripe ears and swelling fruit, they counsel us that all gifts are multiplied in relationship,” she writes of the Three Sisters, which all sustain one another as they grow. “This is how the world keeps going.”  –Corinne Segal, Senior Editor

Hilton Als, White Girls (2013)

In a world where we are so often reduced to one essential self, Hilton Als’ breathtaking book of critical essays, White Girls , which meditates on the ways he and other subjects read, project and absorb parts of white femininity, is a radically liberating book. It’s one of the only works of critical thinking that doesn’t ask the reader, its author or anyone he writes about to stoop before the doorframe of complete legibility before entering. Something he also permitted the subjects and readers of his first book, the glorious book-length essay, The Women , a series of riffs and psychological portraits of Dorothy Dean, Owen Dodson, and the author’s own mother, among others. One of the shifts of that book, uncommon at the time, was how it acknowledges the way we inhabit bodies made up of variously gendered influences. To read White Girls now is to experience the utter freedom of this gift and to marvel at Als’ tremendous versatility and intelligence.

He is easily the most diversely talented American critic alive. He can write into genres like pop music and film where being part of an audience is a fantasy happening in the dark. He’s also wired enough to know how the art world builds reputations on the nod of rich white patrons, a significant collision in a time when Jean-Michel Basquiat is America’s most expensive modern artist. Als’ swerving and always moving grip on performance means he’s especially good on describing the effect of art which is volatile and unstable and built on the mingling of made-up concepts and the hard fact of their effect on behavior, such as race. Writing on Flannery O’Connor for instance he alone puts a finger on her “uneasy and unavoidable union between black and white, the sacred and the profane, the shit and the stars.” From Eminem to Richard Pryor, André Leon Talley to Michael Jackson, Als enters the life and work of numerous artists here who turn the fascinations of race and with whiteness into fury and song and describes the complexity of their beauty like his life depended upon it. There are also brief memoirs here that will stop your heart. This is an essential work to understanding American culture.  –John Freeman, Executive Editor

Eula Biss, On Immunity (2014)

We move through the world as if we can protect ourselves from its myriad dangers, exercising what little agency we have in an effort to keep at bay those fears that gather at the edges of any given life: of loss, illness, disaster, death. It is these fears—amplified by the birth of her first child—that Eula Biss confronts in her essential 2014 essay collection, On Immunity . As any great essayist does, Biss moves outward in concentric circles from her own very private view of the world to reveal wider truths, discovering as she does a culture consumed by anxiety at the pervasive toxicity of contemporary life. As Biss interrogates this culture—of privilege, of whiteness—she interrogates herself, questioning the flimsy ways in which we arm ourselves with science or superstition against the impurities of daily existence.

Five years on from its publication, it is dismaying that On Immunity feels as urgent (and necessary) a defense of basic science as ever. Vaccination, we learn, is derived from vacca —for cow—after the 17th-century discovery that a small application of cowpox was often enough to inoculate against the scourge of smallpox, an etymological digression that belies modern conspiratorial fears of Big Pharma and its vaccination agenda. But Biss never scolds or belittles the fears of others, and in her generosity and openness pulls off a neat (and important) trick: insofar as we are of the very world we fear, she seems to be suggesting, we ourselves are impure, have always been so, permeable, vulnerable, yet so much stronger than we think.  –Jonny Diamond, Editor-in-Chief 

Rebecca Solnit, The Mother of All Questions (2016)

When Rebecca Solnit’s essay, “Men Explain Things to Me,” was published in 2008, it quickly became a cultural phenomenon unlike almost any other in recent memory, assigning language to a behavior that almost every woman has witnessed—mansplaining—and, in the course of identifying that behavior, spurring a movement, online and offline, to share the ways in which patriarchal arrogance has intersected all our lives. (It would also come to be the titular essay in her collection published in 2014.) The Mother of All Questions follows up on that work and takes it further in order to examine the nature of self-expression—who is afforded it and denied it, what institutions have been put in place to limit it, and what happens when it is employed by women. Solnit has a singular gift for describing and decoding the misogynistic dynamics that govern the world so universally that they can seem invisible and the gendered violence that is so common as to seem unremarkable; this naming is powerful, and it opens space for sharing the stories that shape our lives.

The Mother of All Questions, comprised of essays written between 2014 and 2016, in many ways armed us with some of the tools necessary to survive the gaslighting of the Trump years, in which many of us—and especially women—have continued to hear from those in power that the things we see and hear do not exist and never existed. Solnit also acknowledges that labels like “woman,” and other gendered labels, are identities that are fluid in reality; in reviewing the book for The New Yorker , Moira Donegan suggested that, “One useful working definition of a woman might be ‘someone who experiences misogyny.'” Whichever words we use, Solnit writes in the introduction to the book that “when words break through unspeakability, what was tolerated by a society sometimes becomes intolerable.” This storytelling work has always been vital; it continues to be vital, and in this book, it is brilliantly done.  –Corinne Segal, Senior Editor

Valeria Luiselli, Tell Me How It Ends (2017)

The newly minted MacArthur fellow Valeria Luiselli’s four-part (but really six-part) essay  Tell Me How It Ends: An Essay in Forty Questions  was inspired by her time spent volunteering at the federal immigration court in New York City, working as an interpreter for undocumented, unaccompanied migrant children who crossed the U.S.-Mexico border. Written concurrently with her novel  Lost Children Archive  (a fictional exploration of the same topic), Luiselli’s essay offers a fascinating conceit, the fashioning of an argument from the questions on the government intake form given to these children to process their arrivals. (Aside from the fact that this essay is a heartbreaking masterpiece, this is such a  good  conceit—transforming a cold, reproducible administrative document into highly personal literature.) Luiselli interweaves a grounded discussion of the questionnaire with a narrative of the road trip Luiselli takes with her husband and family, across America, while they (both Mexican citizens) wait for their own Green Card applications to be processed. It is on this trip when Luiselli reflects on the thousands of migrant children mysteriously traveling across the border by themselves. But the real point of the essay is to actually delve into the real stories of some of these children, which are agonizing, as well as to gravely, clearly expose what literally happens, procedural, when they do arrive—from forms to courts, as they’re swallowed by a bureaucratic vortex. Amid all of this, Luiselli also takes on more, exploring the larger contextual relationship between the United States of America and Mexico (as well as other countries in Central America, more broadly) as it has evolved to our current, adverse moment.  Tell Me How It Ends  is so small, but it is so passionate and vigorous: it desperately accomplishes in its less-than-100-pages-of-prose what centuries and miles and endless records of federal bureaucracy have never been able, and have never cared, to do: reverse the dehumanization of Latin American immigrants that occurs once they set foot in this country.  –Olivia Rutigliano, CrimeReads Editorial Fellow

Zadie Smith, Feel Free (2018)

In the essay “Meet Justin Bieber!” in Feel Free , Zadie Smith writes that her interest in Justin Bieber is not an interest in the interiority of the singer himself, but in “the idea of the love object”. This essay—in which Smith imagines a meeting between Bieber and the late philosopher Martin Buber (“Bieber and Buber are alternative spellings of the same German surname,” she explains in one of many winning footnotes. “Who am I to ignore these hints from the universe?”). Smith allows that this premise is a bit premise -y: “I know, I know.” Still, the resulting essay is a very funny, very smart, and un-tricky exploration of individuality and true “meeting,” with a dash of late capitalism thrown in for good measure. The melding of high and low culture is the bread and butter of pretty much every prestige publication on the internet these days (and certainly of the Twitter feeds of all “public intellectuals”), but the essays in Smith’s collection don’t feel familiar—perhaps because hers is, as we’ve long known, an uncommon skill. Though I believe Smith could probably write compellingly about anything, she chooses her subjects wisely. She writes with as much electricity about Brexit as the aforementioned Beliebers—and each essay is utterly engrossing. “She contains multitudes, but her point is we all do,” writes Hermione Hoby in her review of the collection in The New Republic . “At the same time, we are, in our endless difference, nobody but ourselves.”  –Jessie Gaynor, Social Media Editor

Tressie McMillan Cottom, Thick: And Other Essays (2019)

Tressie McMillan Cottom is an academic who has transcended the ivory tower to become the sort of public intellectual who can easily appear on radio or television talk shows to discuss race, gender, and capitalism. Her collection of essays reflects this duality, blending scholarly work with memoir to create a collection on the black female experience in postmodern America that’s “intersectional analysis with a side of pop culture.” The essays range from an analysis of sexual violence, to populist politics, to social media, but in centering her own experiences throughout, the collection becomes something unlike other pieces of criticism of contemporary culture. In explaining the title, she reflects on what an editor had said about her work: “I was too readable to be academic, too deep to be popular, too country black to be literary, and too naïve to show the rigor of my thinking in the complexity of my prose. I had wanted to create something meaningful that sounded not only like me, but like all of me. It was too thick.” One of the most powerful essays in the book is “Dying to be Competent” which begins with her unpacking the idiocy of LinkedIn (and the myth of meritocracy) and ends with a description of her miscarriage, the mishandling of black woman’s pain, and a condemnation of healthcare bureaucracy. A finalist for the 2019 National Book Award for Nonfiction, Thick confirms McMillan Cottom as one of our most fearless public intellectuals and one of the most vital.  –Emily Firetog, Deputy Editor

Dissenting Opinions

The following books were just barely nudged out of the top ten, but we (or at least one of us) couldn’t let them pass without comment.

Elif Batuman, The Possessed (2010)

In The Possessed Elif Batuman indulges her love of Russian literature and the result is hilarious and remarkable. Each essay of the collection chronicles some adventure or other that she had while in graduate school for Comparative Literature and each is more unpredictable than the next. There’s the time a “well-known 20th-centuryist” gave a graduate student the finger; and the time when Batuman ended up living in Samarkand, Uzbekistan, for a summer; and the time that she convinced herself Tolstoy was murdered and spent the length of the Tolstoy Conference in Yasnaya Polyana considering clues and motives. Rich in historic detail about Russian authors and literature and thoughtfully constructed, each essay is an amalgam of critical analysis, cultural criticism, and serious contemplation of big ideas like that of identity, intellectual legacy, and authorship. With wit and a serpentine-like shape to her narratives, Batuman adopts a form reminiscent of a Socratic discourse, setting up questions at the beginning of her essays and then following digressions that more or less entreat the reader to synthesize the answer for herself. The digressions are always amusing and arguably the backbone of the collection, relaying absurd anecdotes with foreign scholars or awkward, surreal encounters with Eastern European strangers. Central also to the collection are Batuman’s intellectual asides where she entertains a theory—like the “problem of the person”: the inability to ever wholly capture one’s character—that ultimately layer the book’s themes. “You are certainly my most entertaining student,” a professor said to Batuman. But she is also curious and enthusiastic and reflective and so knowledgeable that she might even convince you (she has me!) that you too love Russian literature as much as she does. –Eleni Theodoropoulos, Editorial Fellow

Roxane Gay, Bad Feminist (2014)

Roxane Gay’s now-classic essay collection is a book that will make you laugh, think, cry, and then wonder, how can cultural criticism be this fun? My favorite essays in the book include Gay’s musings on competitive Scrabble, her stranded-in-academia dispatches, and her joyous film and television criticism, but given the breadth of topics Roxane Gay can discuss in an entertaining manner, there’s something for everyone in this one. This book is accessible because feminism itself should be accessible – Roxane Gay is as likely to draw inspiration from YA novels, or middle-brow shows about friendship, as she is to introduce concepts from the academic world, and if there’s anyone I trust to bridge the gap between high culture, low culture, and pop culture, it’s the Goddess of Twitter. I used to host a book club dedicated to radical reads, and this was one of the first picks for the club; a week after the book club met, I spied a few of the attendees meeting in the café of the bookstore, and found out that they had bonded so much over discussing  Bad Feminist  that they couldn’t wait for the next meeting of the book club to keep discussing politics and intersectionality, and that, in a nutshell, is the power of Roxane. –Molly Odintz, CrimeReads Associate Editor

Rivka Galchen, Little Labors (2016)

Generally, I find stories about the trials and tribulations of child-having to be of limited appeal—useful, maybe, insofar as they offer validation that other people have also endured the bizarre realities of living with a tiny human, but otherwise liable to drift into the musings of parents thrilled at the simple fact of their own fecundity, as if they were the first ones to figure the process out (or not). But Little Labors is not simply an essay collection about motherhood, perhaps because Galchen initially “didn’t want to write about” her new baby—mostly, she writes, “because I had never been interested in babies, or mothers; in fact, those subjects had seemed perfectly not interesting to me.” Like many new mothers, though, Galchen soon discovered her baby—which she refers to sometimes as “the puma”—to be a preoccupying thought, demanding to be written about. Galchen’s interest isn’t just in her own progeny, but in babies in literature (“Literature has more dogs than babies, and also more abortions”), The Pillow Book , the eleventh-century collection of musings by Sei Shōnagon, and writers who are mothers. There are sections that made me laugh out loud, like when Galchen continually finds herself in an elevator with a neighbor who never fails to remark on the puma’s size. There are also deeper, darker musings, like the realization that the baby means “that it’s not permissible to die. There are days when this does not feel good.” It is a slim collection that I happened to read at the perfect time, and it remains one of my favorites of the decade. –Emily Firetog, Deputy Editor

Charlie Fox, This Young Monster (2017)

On social media as in his writing, British art critic Charlie Fox rejects lucidity for allusion and doesn’t quite answer the Twitter textbox’s persistent question: “What’s happening?” These days, it’s hard to tell.  This Young Monster  (2017), Fox’s first book,was published a few months after Donald Trump’s election, and at one point Fox takes a swipe at a man he judges “direct from a nightmare and just a repulsive fucking goon.” Fox doesn’t linger on politics, though, since most of the monsters he looks at “embody otherness and make it into art, ripping any conventional idea of beauty to shreds and replacing it with something weird and troubling of their own invention.”

If clichés are loathed because they conform to what philosopher Georges Bataille called “the common measure,” then monsters are rebellious non-sequiturs, comedic or horrific derailments from a classical ideal. Perverts in the most literal sense, monsters have gone astray from some “proper” course. The book’s nine chapters, which are about a specific monster or type of monster, are full of callbacks to familiar and lesser-known media. Fox cites visual art, film, songs, and books with the screwy buoyancy of a savant. Take one of his essays, “Spook House,” framed as a stage play with two principal characters, Klaus (“an intoxicated young skinhead vampire”) and Hermione (“a teen sorceress with green skin and jet-black hair” who looks more like The Wicked Witch than her namesake). The chorus is a troupe of trick-or-treaters. Using the filmmaker Cameron Jamie as a starting point, the rest is free association on gothic decadence and Detroit and L.A. as cities of the dead. All the while, Klaus quotes from  Artforum ,  Dazed & Confused , and  Time Out. It’s a technical feat that makes fictionalized dialogue a conveyor belt for cultural criticism.

In Fox’s imagination, David Bowie and the Hydra coexist alongside Peter Pan, Dennis Hopper, and the maenads. Fox’s book reaches for the monster’s mask, not really to peel it off but to feel and smell the rubber schnoz, to know how it’s made before making sure it’s still snugly set. With a stylistic blend of arthouse suavity and B-movie chic,  This Young Monster considers how monsters in culture are made. Aren’t the scariest things made in post-production? Isn’t the creature just duplicity, like a looping choir or a dubbed scream? –Aaron Robertson, Assistant Editor

Elena Passarello, Animals Strike Curious Poses (2017)

Elena Passarello’s collection of essays Animals Strike Curious Poses picks out infamous animals and grants them the voice, narrative, and history they deserve. Not only is a collection like this relevant during the sixth extinction but it is an ambitious historical and anthropological undertaking, which Passarello has tackled with thorough research and a playful tone that rather than compromise her subject, complicates and humanizes it. Passarello’s intention is to investigate the role of animals across the span of human civilization and in doing so, to construct a timeline of humanity as told through people’s interactions with said animals. “Of all the images that make our world, animal images are particularly buried inside us,” Passarello writes in her first essay, to introduce us to the object of the book and also to the oldest of her chosen characters: Yuka, a 39,000-year-old mummified woolly mammoth discovered in the Siberian permafrost in 2010. It was an occasion so remarkable and so unfathomable given the span of human civilization that Passarello says of Yuka: “Since language is epically younger than both thought and experience, ‘woolly mammoth’ means, to a human brain, something more like time.” The essay ends with a character placing a hand on a cave drawing of a woolly mammoth, accompanied by a phrase which encapsulates the author’s vision for the book: “And he becomes the mammoth so he can envision the mammoth.” In Passarello’s hands the imagined boundaries between the animal, natural, and human world disintegrate and what emerges is a cohesive if baffling integrated history of life. With the accuracy and tenacity of a journalist and the spirit of a storyteller, Elena Passarello has assembled a modern bestiary worthy of contemplation and awe. –Eleni Theodoropoulos, Editorial Fellow

Esmé Weijun Wang, The Collected Schizophrenias (2019)

Esmé Weijun Wang’s collection of essays is a kaleidoscopic look at mental health and the lives affected by the schizophrenias. Each essay takes on a different aspect of the topic, but you’ll want to read them together for a holistic perspective. Esmé Weijun Wang generously begins The Collected Schizophrenias by acknowledging the stereotype, “Schizophrenia terrifies. It is the archetypal disorder of lunacy.” From there, she walks us through the technical language, breaks down the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual ( DSM-5 )’s clinical definition. And then she gets very personal, telling us about how she came to her own diagnosis and the way it’s touched her daily life (her relationships, her ideas about motherhood). Esmé Weijun Wang is uniquely situated to write about this topic. As a former lab researcher at Stanford, she turns a precise, analytical eye to her experience while simultaneously unfolding everything with great patience for her reader. Throughout, she brilliantly dissects the language around mental health. (On saying “a person living with bipolar disorder” instead of using “bipolar” as the sole subject: “…we are not our diseases. We are instead individuals with disorders and malfunctions. Our conditions lie over us like smallpox blankets; we are one thing and the illness is another.”) She pinpoints the ways she arms herself against anticipated reactions to the schizophrenias: high fashion, having attended an Ivy League institution. In a particularly piercing essay, she traces mental illness back through her family tree. She also places her story within more mainstream cultural contexts, calling on groundbreaking exposés about the dangerous of institutionalization and depictions of mental illness in television and film (like the infamous Slender Man case, in which two young girls stab their best friend because an invented Internet figure told them to). At once intimate and far-reaching, The Collected Schizophrenias is an informative and important (and let’s not forget artful) work. I’ve never read a collection quite so beautifully-written and laid-bare as this. –Katie Yee, Book Marks Assistant Editor

Ross Gay, The Book of Delights (2019)

When Ross Gay began writing what would become The Book of Delights, he envisioned it as a project of daily essays, each focused on a moment or point of delight in his day. This plan quickly disintegrated; on day four, he skipped his self-imposed assignment and decided to “in honor and love, delight in blowing it off.” (Clearly, “blowing it off” is a relative term here, as he still produced the book.) Ross Gay is a generous teacher of how to live, and this moment of reveling in self-compassion is one lesson among many in The Book of Delights , which wanders from moments of connection with strangers to a shade of “red I don’t think I actually have words for,” a text from a friend reading “I love you breadfruit,” and “the sun like a guiding hand on my back, saying everything is possible. Everything .”

Gay does not linger on any one subject for long, creating the sense that delight is a product not of extenuating circumstances, but of our attention; his attunement to the possibilities of a single day, and awareness of all the small moments that produce delight, are a model for life amid the warring factions of the attention economy. These small moments range from the physical–hugging a stranger, transplanting fig cuttings–to the spiritual and philosophical, giving the impression of sitting beside Gay in his garden as he thinks out loud in real time. It’s a privilege to listen. –Corinne Segal, Senior Editor

Honorable Mentions

A selection of other books that we seriously considered for both lists—just to be extra about it (and because decisions are hard).

Terry Castle, The Professor and Other Writings (2010) · Joyce Carol Oates, In Rough Country (2010) · Geoff Dyer, Otherwise Known as the Human Condition (2011) · Christopher Hitchens, Arguably (2011) ·  Roberto Bolaño, tr. Natasha Wimmer, Between Parentheses (2011) · Dubravka Ugresic, tr. David Williams, Karaoke Culture (2011) · Tom Bissell, Magic Hours (2012)  · Kevin Young, The Grey Album (2012) · William H. Gass, Life Sentences: Literary Judgments and Accounts (2012) · Mary Ruefle, Madness, Rack, and Honey (2012) · Herta Müller, tr. Geoffrey Mulligan, Cristina and Her Double (2013) · Leslie Jamison, The Empathy Exams (2014)  · Meghan Daum, The Unspeakable (2014)  · Daphne Merkin, The Fame Lunches (2014)  · Charles D’Ambrosio, Loitering (2015) · Wendy Walters, Multiply/Divide (2015) · Colm Tóibín, On Elizabeth Bishop (2015) ·  Renee Gladman, Calamities (2016)  · Jesmyn Ward, ed. The Fire This Time (2016)  · Lindy West, Shrill (2016)  · Mary Oliver, Upstream (2016)  · Emily Witt, Future Sex (2016)  · Olivia Laing, The Lonely City (2016)  · Mark Greif, Against Everything (2016)  · Durga Chew-Bose, Too Much and Not the Mood (2017)  · Sarah Gerard, Sunshine State (2017)  · Jim Harrison, A Really Big Lunch (2017)  · J.M. Coetzee, Late Essays: 2006-2017 (2017) · Melissa Febos, Abandon Me (2017)  · Louise Glück, American Originality (2017)  · Joan Didion, South and West (2017)  · Tom McCarthy, Typewriters, Bombs, Jellyfish (2017)  · Hanif Abdurraqib, They Can’t Kill Us Until they Kill Us (2017)  · Ta-Nehisi Coates, We Were Eight Years in Power (2017)  ·  Samantha Irby, We Are Never Meeting in Real Life (2017)  · Alexander Chee, How to Write an Autobiographical Novel (2018)  · Alice Bolin, Dead Girls (2018)  · Marilynne Robinson, What Are We Doing Here? (2018)  · Lorrie Moore, See What Can Be Done (2018)  · Maggie O’Farrell, I Am I Am I Am (2018)  · Ijeoma Oluo, So You Want to Talk About Race (2018)  · Rachel Cusk, Coventry (2019)  · Jia Tolentino, Trick Mirror (2019)  · Emily Bernard, Black is the Body (2019)  · Toni Morrison, The Source of Self-Regard (2019)  · Margaret Renkl, Late Migrations (2019)  ·  Rachel Munroe, Savage Appetites (2019)  · Robert A. Caro,  Working  (2019) · Arundhati Roy, My Seditious Heart (2019).

Emily Temple

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11 Funny Memoirs That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

Love to laugh? You’ve come to the right place. From uproarious and award-winning personal essay collections to sidesplitting new narratives by stand-up comedy legends, the following funny memoirs will tug on your heartstrings and tickle your funny bone.

Number One Is Walking

By steve martin, drawings by harry bliss.

A must-read for comedy lovers, Number One Is Walking is the highly anticipated film career memoir by Steve Martin and marks the first time the legendary stand-up comic and actor has written about his life in the movies. The narrative is chock-full of never-before-heard anecdotes from the sets of films like The Jerk and Father of the Bride and is brought to life by artwork from New Yorker cartoonist Harry Bliss. Readers will find a perfect comedic pairing in Martin’s smartly humorous musings and Bliss’s wry cartoons.

In fact, this isn’t the first time Martin and Bliss have teamed up: In 2020 they released A Wealth of Pigeons , a New York Times bestselling collection of comics wherein Martin provided the ideas and captions while Bliss created the artwork. Whether you’re a fan of Martin’s pioneering stand-up from the 1970s or his recent turn as Charles-Haden Savage on Hulu’s award-winning crime dramedy Only Murders in the Building, you’re sure to love his newest book.

Me Talk Pretty One Day

By david sedaris.

David Sedaris is a beloved humor essayist, and Me Talk Pretty One Day, his second collection of essays, makes for an uproarious read. Divided into two parts, the first section of Sedaris’s memoir-in-essays chronicles the author’s childhood in North Carolina, where he grew up surrounded by his offbeat family members, including his hilarious sister Amy Sedaris . In the second section, Sedaris recounts his adult life living in Normandy with his partner, Hugh. “Go Carolina” opens the collection and relates the time Sedaris was sent to a speech therapist in elementary school for his lisp. Instead of “fixing” the way he spoke, he simply decided to stop using the letter “s,” much to the consternation of his instructor. Sedaris is known the world over for his acerbic wit and dry observations on the absurdities of everyday life. He’s also an excellent live reader and performer. If you want a taste of his comedic presence, listen to his brilliant reading of “The Santaland Diaries” on NPR, in which recounts his experience working as an elf in Macy’s.

Wow, No Thank You

By samantha irby.

Samantha Irby’s sharp humor is known for making readers cackle with delight. Her third book of essays, following We Are Never Meeting in Real Life and Meaty, finds the 40-year-old riding a wave of literary success while still learning to be comfortable in her own skin. Like the best comedic writers, Irby finds healing through humor, whether it’s skewering the bourgeois-dream home life she shares with her wife, reliving awkward meetings with eccentric TV execs, or facing down the insecurity, guilt, and existential dread of the modern era. Irby’s comedic gifts lie not just in her ability to talk candidly about her personal experiences but also in her piercing analysis of media, social trends, and popular culture. Pick up the Lambda Literary Award–winning Wow, No Thank You ASAP to see why outlets like The New Republic are calling Irby “America’s most talented comic writer.”

By Lindy West

After establishing herself as a writer for Seattle’s The Stranger, Lindy West catapulted to the national level with her debut book of essays that’s part memoir and part takedown of our culture’s treatment of fat women. Shrill , which was adapted as a Hulu series starring Aidy Bryant, is a laugh-out-loud-funny memoir, displaying West’s signature exuberance and over-the-top conversational style. It’s also a searing indictment of the misogyny and fat hatred that West has endured throughout her life. The essays cover everything from fat Disney characters to the death threats West received for existing as a successful fat woman on the internet. As The Guardian writes: “ Shrill  mixes humour with pathos so effectively that those qualities magnify each other rather than cancelling each other out.” This book will make you laugh, cry, scream, and go out and fight for a better, kinder world.

Born a Crime

By trevor noah.

In the bestselling and Thurber Prize–winning Born a Crime, Daily Show host Trevor Noah reflects on his life from growing up in apartheid-era South Africa to becoming a successful stand-up comedian on the global stage. Noah’s birth in 1980s South Africa to a white Swiss father and Black Xhosa mother was considered a criminal act at the time, punishable by up to five years in prison. As a result, young Noah spent much of his childhood hidden from government officials who might take him away from his family. Like other authors on this list, Noah employs humor to chronicle and counteract life’s most harrowing blows; he also presents a moving portrait of his mother, who bravely fought to provide him with a life free of poverty and violence. Blending political and social critique with candid personal accounts, Born a Crime radiates humor and tragedy. And judging from the way Noah was raised to question authority and fight oppression, it’s no wonder he ended up becoming the incisive political comic he is today.

Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

By mindy kaling.

Mindy Kaling is an actor and writer, and the creator of The Mindy Project, Never Have I Ever, and The Sex Lives of College Girls — and if you loved any of those shows, then reading this funny memoir will feel like chatting with your best friend. Charting her path from growing up as the dutiful child of immigrant parents to her early success as a TV writer and performer on The Office, Kaling’s first book is a warmly funny reflection on fame, friends, family, dating, and celebrity culture. Critics and readers alike have championed Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? for its relatability, with Elle praising Kaling for her “neurotic charm and hilarious everywoman musings.” Come for the humor in Kaling’s bestselling memoir, stay for the behind-the-scenes look at achieving comedy success in Hollywood.

Everything’s Trash, But It’s Okay

By phoebe robinson.

You may know Phoebe Robinson from 2 Dope Queens, the comedy podcast turned HBO stand-up special she hosts with Jessica Williams. More recently, Robinson starred in a brand-new Freeform series Everything’s Trash, which is based on this 2018 memoir/cultural critique. As with all of her comedy, Robinson seamlessly blends pop culture musings and personal reflections with eye-opening explorations of racism and sexism in Everything’s Trash , but It’s Okay . You’ll find essays on everything from meeting Bono to feminism’s intersectionality problem, personal money problems, and dating horror stories. Readers of all stripes are sure to discover something to love here, while elder millennials who’ve faced cultural dumpster fire after dumpster fire will connect with the way Robinson laughs out loud to keep from crying.

Furiously Happy

By jenny lawson.

In her #1 New York Times bestseller, Jenny Lawson writes candidly about her experiences with severe depression and anxiety. While this might not sound like ideal material for a funny memoir, Lawson shines at finding humor and catharsis in the darkest of places. Lawson’s fans agree, showing up to her standing-room-only book readings to tell the author how her books have made them feel like they can keep going. While ostensibly about the struggles of facing mental illness, Furiously Happy, which is written in a style that mimics fighting with your own brain, is really about finding and holding on to joy.

By Ali Wong

In Dear Girls, acclaimed stand-up comedian Ali Wong writes bitingly funny and sweetly touching letters to the daughters with whom she was pregnant during her breakout Netflix stand-up specials. In her letters, Wong shares insights she’s learned both on- and offstage, from finding success in a male-dominated field and dating in New York to growing up in San Francisco and reconnecting with her Vietnamese heritage. Fiercely funny, Dear Girls marries unflinching gross-out humor with thoughtful reflections on feminism, motherhood, and comedy stardom. It’s perfect for comedy nerds, moms, and comedy nerd moms.

I'll Show Myself Out

By jessi klein.

As the executive producer of Inside Amy Schumer, Jessi Klein thrived at using humor to critique the way society treats women. In the bestselling I’ll Show Myself Out, Klein applies her sharp comedic eye to encroaching middle age and the impossible expectations our culture puts on moms. Throughout this poignant and funny memoir-in-essays collection, Klein digs deep into the joy, pain, and ambivalence of having a kid at 39. And you know you’re in for a comedic treat when the chapter titles alone crack you up: “Listening to Beyoncé in the Parking Lot of Party City,” “Your Husband Will Remarry Five Minutes After You Die,” and “On the Starbucks Bathroom Floor” is just a sampling of the laughs that lie within.

Nobody Will Tell You This But Me

By bess kalb.

We end our list with a unique and funny memoir told not from the perspective of the author but from the author’s beloved grandmother. Emmy-nominated TV writer Bess Kalb adored her one-of-a-kind grandmother Bobby Bell. In Nobody Will Tell You This But Me, Kalb channels Bobby’s voice, stories, and irrepressible spirit to reconstruct the multigenerational saga of her family, stretching all the way back to the 1880s, when Bobby’s mother escaped the pogroms in Belarus to come to the U.S. “A funny, touching, and timely reminder of the solace to be found in kindred spirits” ( People ), Kalb’s family memoir will delight anyone lucky enough to have an indomitable nana in their life.

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Archive Students Will Love These 10 Funny Reading Lessons

Amanda Riddle

Spark joy with these great picks from the CommonLit library

It is easy to forget with the rigorous demands of testing that reading also needs to be fun for students. As teachers, it’s our job to teach students how to read, and also to help them enjoy it — that’s the only way we are going to help students become lifelong readers.

That’s why we are bringing you these 10 funny and interesting CommonLit texts:

3rd-4th Grade

“ kissy face ” by nancy jean northcutt.

Your students will probably all relate to the protagonist in the story who hates to be kissed and pinched on the cheeks by adoring aunts and grandmas. To engage students even more, ask them to share stories about times when they have felt embarrassed by a relative.

“ Poppy’s Jalopy ” by Caroline Pignat

The speaker in this poem loves his dilapidated car nicknamed Jalopy. He and his grandfather think it’s perfect for their imaginative adventures. Use this fun poem to spark a discussion about the theme of beauty by asking:

Is beauty in the eye of the beholder? Why? Do you have something in your life that other people would see as old or broken-down but that you find beautiful?

5th-6th Grade

“ the night the ghost got in ” by james thurber.

This story details a funny mishap when a boy mistakenly thinks a ghost got into the house. Pair this story with a humorous related video clip to help students better visualize the story.

For a creative extension lesson, have students journal about some of their childhood fears that turned out alright.

“ Growing Down ” by Shel Silverstein

This poem is a delightful twist on adulthood by suggesting the idea of growing down instead of up . There are several fun related media pairing suggestions that go well with this story. Show students the comical video “ Adults Acting Like Toddlers ” and ask them:

What would it be like if the adults in your life suddenly started acting like children? What traits do you attribute to childhood? Do you think there are some childlike traits that adults should adopt to lead happier lives? If so, which ones?

7th-8th Grade

“ they’re made out of meat ” by terry bisson.

This humorous story is told from the perspective of aliens looking down on Earth. Check out the suggested discussion questions to start an engaging class dialogue:

Throughout the story, the aliens constantly refer to “meat” in a negative way. What does meat represent in this story? Why do you think the author chose “meat” for this representation?

For a creative extension lesson, have students pick a serious issue and write about it through the lens of an alien. What would aliens have to say about topics like war, peer pressure, or greed?

“ Ruthless ” by William DeMille

In this engaging short story, a man sets a trap for a thief. Students will love discussing the risks of taking justice into one’s own hands. This is also a great story to kick off an entire true crime unit! Try pairing this text with with Roald Dahl’s “ Lamb to the Slaughter ,” and spark a discussion about guilt and murder.

9th-10th Grade

“ wealthy teen nearly experiences consequences ” by the onion staff.

This piece is a great introduction to satire, and one that will likely have students laughing out loud. At its core, the piece is an exploration of a serious topic: the abuse of power and wealth.

“ The Nose ” by Nikolai Gogol

In this farce, an official’s nose disappears and begins a life of its own. Ask students to think critically about the author’s exaggerations and his broader message. Then, lead a discussion around the author’s use of comedy with our suggested question:

What can we learn from comedy in the context of “The Nose”?

Creative extension lesson: have students watch the related media video “Le Nez” and create their own cartoon storyboard of Gogol’s farce.

11th-12th Grade

“ a modest proposal ” by jonathan swift.

This is a classic example of satire by the master of satire, Jonathan Swift. In “A Modest Proposal,” Swift suggests a morbid solution to the issue of poverty plaguing Ireland in the 18th century. This is an old text, but students will love it for its absurdity and shock value.

Creative extension lesson: show students the artwork from the related media . Then, have them write their own satirical solution to a modern problem in their own lives or neighborhoods with accompanying artwork.

“ The Metamorphosis ” by Franz Kafka

Students will really enjoy this classic story of a man who wakes up one day as an insect. This is a perfect introduction to magical realism, a type of literature where the author blurs the line between what’s real and what isn’t. As students read, pause occasionally to ask students to discuss how the author uses language to help us accept reality.

Are you a teacher looking for more great content on CommonLit? Browse the CommonLit Library or come to one of our webinars!

If you are an administrator looking to leverage CommonLit in your school or district, our partnerships team can help. We offer benchmark assessments, professional learning, and more!

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CommonLit’s team will reach out with more information on our school and district partnerships.

The New York Times

The learning network.

Great Read-Alouds From The New York Times

This page started as a post , and then that post kept growing…and growing…and growing. So in March of 2012, just in time for Read Across America Day and World Read-Aloud Day , we decided the series needed its own dedicated page. We’ve continued to update it ever since.

Below, you’ll find categorized suggestions, from the Learning Network staff and from teacher-friends around the country, for great Times essays, articles, Op-Eds and humor pieces on a range of topics to read aloud to your students — no matter what their ages. (Bonus: Nearly everything here falls under the definition of “informational text” emphasized by the Common Core Standards .)

Have suggestions? Unfortunately our system won’t allow you to post them here, but stop by and read guest blogger Wendy Gorton’s lively Tools and Tips For World Read-Aloud Day and feel free to post there. We’ll happily add them to this ever-growing list.

Finally, at the bottom of this page, we offer suggestions for reading the Times aloud to both young and old(er).

Happy reading aloud!

Great “Read-Alouds” From The New York Times

Cliques, Teenage Social Life and Growing Up:

Our monthly series, Teenagers in The Times, is a great source for high-interest read-alouds, but here are a few specific pieces that we think work well:

Safe on the Southbank is a Lives column about growing up skateboarding in London.

The Ballad of Tribute Steve is also a Lives column, this one about a religious teenage girl and what happens when a Journey tribute band visits her high school.

“Yes, I’m in a Clique,” a 1999 Op-Ed piece written just after the Columbine shootings, is by Nathan Black, then a high school freshman in Littleton, Colorado.

“Advice; Teen Angst? Nah!” was written by the author Ned Vizzini when he was a high school junior in 1998.

Portraits of People and Professions:

Corey Kilgannon’s 2003 “Not a Good Day to Be the Mailman” and his 2011 “Mr. Mummy, at Home in the Bronx” are both great stories about New York characters.

Vincent M. Mallozzi’s 2010 “He Clips Hair, Not Conversation,” is about the world’s oldest barber,

In “Doris from Rego Park Lives on in Song” Ken Plutnicki writes about a caller to late-night sports radio who became a New York institution. (2011)

Charlie LeDuff’s 2004 “2 Clean Uniforms, Owners’ Fates Unknown” brings home the war in Iraq through the eyes of a dry cleaner in California.

In 2011, Dan Barry wrote “Good Will to All, With a Side of Soft-Serve” about a Pakistani Dairy Queen owner in Pennsylvania who becomes the cornerstone of his community, one soft-serve fund-raiser at a time.

“Where Superheroes Get Their Capes” is a 2011 article by Andrew O’Reilly about a store where shoppers can stock up on superhero supplies and children can enter a hidden door to a writing center.

The New York Mets’ mascot may be the one blameless figure in Flushing and possibly, the team’s savior, writes Richard Sandomir in 2012’s “Mr. Met Keeps His Head Up.”

Kim Severson reports the fun 2011 piece, “In the Town of Phil Campbell, a Gathering of Phil Campbells.”

The 2011 New York Times obituary of Steve Jobs, by John Markoff, was headlined “Apple’s Visionary Redefined Digital Age”

Other obituaries of interesting people include Paul Vitello’s 2011 “Norma Lyon, the ‘Butter-Cow Lady,’ Dies at 81,” a piece by Dennis Hevesi from 2007 headlined “Momofuku Ando, 96, Dies; Invented Instant Ramen,” and three by Margalit Fox: The 2012 obituary about John Fairfax , a man who “crossed the Atlantic because it was there, and the Pacific because it was also there”; the 2013 obituary of “Dear Abby,” the “trusted, tart-tongued adviser to tens of millions,” and the 2012 obituary of Maurice Sendak, “widely considered the most important children’s book artist of the 20th century.”

Inspiration:

A 2014 essay, “Drowning in Dishes, but Finding a Home,” is about what a teenager learns from his manager at Pizza Hut.

“We Found Our Son in the Subway” is a touching 2013 Opinionator piece that landed on the Most E-Mailed list almost as soon as it was published.

In 2011, a tornado destroyed the Soper family’s house in Cottondale, Ala., but spared their lives. Dan Barry writes about “Losing Everything, Except What Really Matters.”

“Lynda Barry Will Make You Believe in Yourself,” writes Dan Kois in 2011, and he’s right: this article about the cartoonist and writer will make you want to sit down with a pen and create.

Just after the tsunami and nuclear disaster in 2011, Michael Wines reported the piece, “Newly Homeless in Japan Re-Establish Order Amid Chaos” about “the quiet bravery in the face of tragedy that seems almost woven into the national character.”

In the 2011 piece, Ethan Bronner writes “Where Politics Are Complex, Simple Joys at the Beach” about a group of Israeli women who snuck Palestinian women and girls from the West Bank onto the beach in Tel Aviv for a daylong excursion.

The 2011 story by Douglas Quenqua “Builders of Corn Mazes Hope to Lose Visitors, and One Actually Did” was very popular when it appeared on our blog that fall.

“People with cellphones call rangers from mountaintops to request refreshments or a guide; in Jackson Hole, Wyo., one lost hiker even asked for hot chocolate,” writes Leslie Kaufman in this 2010 piece about how “Technology Leads More Park Visitors Into Trouble.”

Controversies About Kids:

The 2007 article by Niko Koppel, “Are Your Jeans Sagging? Go Directly to Jail” and our accompanying lesson plan were among the most popular reads on our site that year.

This story by Ian Urbina , about a 6-year-old disciplined for bringing his spork to school, was the third most-viewed article on NYTimes.com in 2009 .

A teacher in Massachusetts tells us that she reads this piece , about eliminating the senior year of high school, aloud to her students with great success. (2010)

Among the most-emailed articles of 2010 are two stories about controversial decisions regarding children: Alan Feuer’s “4-Year-Old Can Be Sued, Judge Rules in Bike Case” and Lizette Alvarez’s “Meet Mikey, 8: U.S. Has Him on Watch List.”

A 2011 article by Jan Hoffman, “Allowing Teenage Boys to Love Their Friends,” could be a great conversation-starter.

Technology and Media:

Novelist Gary Shteyngart’s 2010 funny, engaging essay “ Only Disconnect ” is about how having an iPhone impacts his life.

Humorist Andy Borowitz wrote an Op-Ed called “Why Johnny Can’t Blink” in 1999, while 2010 brought this news (with which you might use our accompanying lesson plan ).

A New York City teacher wrote us to say her students also enjoyed 2009’s “Texting May Be Taking a Toll” by Katie Hafner.

“The Designer: You. The Maker: Who?” : A 2011 piece by Stephanie Rosenbloom about adventures in customizing jeans on Web sites–and assessing the results.

The Science Times is full of so many read-aloud possibilities every week that we encourage you to go there yourself first. But if we were going to recommend a few, we’d go with:

Natalie Angier’s 2008 “The Wonders of Blood” or her 2015 “A One-Way Trip to Mars? Many Would Sign Up”

Dennis Overbye’s 2005 “Remembrance of Things Future: The Mystery of Time” (“There was a conference for time travelers at M.I.T. earlier this spring. I’m still hoping to attend…”), or his descriptive 2008 article “First Stars Were Brutes, but Died Young, Astronomers Say.”

We heard through teacher-channels that a popular article with science students was 2011’s “Natalie Portman, Oscar Winner, Was Also a Precocious Scientist” ,

Anahad O’Connor’s Really? columns on subjects like brain freeze and counting sheep are short, engaging reads.

In the 2012 article, “Preserved in Tar, Relics From Long Before Freeways,” Sean B. Carroll explores the La Brea Tar Pits in Los Angeles, home to some of the most exquisitely preserved fossils in the world.

A reader posted on our old read-aloud page, “I absolutely loved Richard Cohen’s Op- Ed of 12/19/10 titled “There Goes The Sun,” which describes the universality of acknowledgment of the winter solstice in human cultures. Not only do we all learn all kinds of new and interesting information about the celebration of the winter solstice in different cultures, but we also are given, in a tightly-woven essay, enough information pulled from so many disciplines that we all feel more knowledgeable once it is done. I’ve shared it with my students, asking them to see if they can tell how many disciplines Mr. Cohen pulled together to write this brief and wonderful essay. It stands out, to me, as a wonderful model of what’s possible from using research to form a view of the world and then expressing it.”

Animals and Insects:

Lizette Alvarez writes, “In Florida, the Natives Are Restless,” about how, during the spring and summer months, Florida has a dedicated hot line to report “nuisance” alligators. (2011)

“A goat frolics with a baby rhinoceros. A pig nestles up to a house cat. A rat snake makes nice with the dwarf hamster originally intended as its lunch”: 2015’s popular “Learning From Animal Friendships” makes a great read-aloud.

Benedict Carey’s 2007 piece “Brainy Parrot Dies, Emotive to End” is fascinating, and students loved the 2011 article, “Lost 5 Years, a Colorado Cat Finds Her Way to Manhattan.”

Articles about dogs are almost guaranteed to show up on the Most E-Mailed list, as did both Elisabeth Bumiller’s 2011 “The Dogs of War: Beloved Comrades in Afghanistan” and Melissa Fay Greene’s 2012 “Wonder Dog” about a golden retriever that was the only thing that could reach a raging, disconnected boy.

Natalie Angier writes about ugly animals in 2010’s “A Masterpiece of Nature? Yuck!” which is accompanied by a terrific slide show and interactive feature full of reader photos of ugly animals.

“Around Bee Rescue, Honey and Rancor” is a City Room blog post by Emily S. Rueb about Brooklynites feuding over ownership of a hive of 30,000 to 40,000 honeybees. And for another engaging bee story, read Susan Dominus’s 2010 “The Mystery of the Red Bees of Red Hook.”

Life’s Little Annoyances:

The City Room Blog has a section called “Complaint Box” in which people like high school junior Dylan Quinn rail against things like those impossible-to-open plastic packaging cases. And if you want to write your own complaint, we have a lesson plan to help.

Love and Romance:

“To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” a column by Mandy Len Cantron for Modern Love, was such a hit it has spawned its own app as well as follow-up columns about real people trying her 36 questions .

Alan Feuer recasts Missed Connections ads from newyork.craigslist.org as poems in the 2010 “I Was the One Reading Andrew Marvell. You Were . . .”

Charles H. Antin wrote in 2009 about his grandfather friending his ex-girlfriend on Facebook in “The Boundaries of a Breakup.”

Two of the winners of the 2008 contest in which Sunday Styles asked college students nationwide to tell the plain truth about what love is like for them were Marguerite Fields’s “Want to Be My Boyfriend? Please Define” and Owen Powell’s “May I Have This Dance?” (Check both for suitability for your students first.)

Other Modern Love essays we love include:

“GPS on a Path to the Heart,” Daniel Jones’s exploration of how to find love in modern times (2011)

Tess Russell’s very funny “Alone When the Bedbugs Bite.” (2010)

In 2011’s “It’s Love at First Kill,” Stephanie Rosenbloom tells the story of a couple who began their courtship as avatars on World of Warcraft, then met up and are now married.

Crime and Punishment:

A reader suggests this category, and says her students were interested in this 2010 story about a day in the life of the pay phone outside Queens Criminal Court.

Though columnist Bob Herbert no longer writes for The Times, we recommend his coverage of the relationship between teenagers, especially black and Latino teens, and the police.

This 2010 piece, “A Glimpse Inside a Troubled Youth Prison,” tells the story of one boy’s experience in a New York state juvenile prison.

A reader wrote to us to suggest two read-alouds, both from 1975: The review that Craig Claiborne wrote of Chez Denis that is headlined, “Just a Quiet Dinner for Two in Paris: 31 Dishes, 9 Wines, a $4,000 Check,” and Russell Baker’s parody , that came out a short time after and ends with “Between mouthfuls, I sipped a tall, bubbling tumbler of cool Bromo-Seltzer, and finished with six ounces of Maalox. It couldn’t have been better.”

Restaurant critic Pete Wells’s 2012 review of Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar in Times Square, “As Not Seen on TV” went viral soon after it was published. Your students will enjoy it, we promise.

What else would you recommend?

Race, Class, Gender and Identity:

Though there are literally thousands of pieces we could have chosen here, some that came to mind first were stories about teenagers:

Andy Newman’s 2007 “Journey From a Chinese Orphanage to a Jewish Rite of Passage”

Tamar Lewin’s 2000 “Growing Up, Growing Apart”

Mirta Ojito’s 2000 “Best of Friends, Worlds Apart”

Frank Paiva’s 2005 “A Prince Charming for the Prom (Not Ever After, Though).”

We’d love reader recommendations here, but we’ll start with two:

George Vecsey’s 2004 column “Dear Boston Red Sox: Win Already. Now. Please?”

Michael Powell’s “‘OMG. You’re So Much More Than Awesome’,” a touching, funny interview with Kevin Bumgarner just after his son, Madison, “the best postseason pitcher on the planet,” pitched five innings and earned the save to help the San Francisco Giants win the 2014 World Series title.

The Storm Inside, an essay on “watching Hurricane Sandy roll in, from the windows of our son’s hospital room.”

Great Lives Columns:

Short, beautifully written and often hilarious, this weekly series in the back of the Sunday Magazine will almost always yield a great read-aloud. Here are some favorites:

Susan Senator’s “The Subject of the Sibling,” (2010)

Michael Krikorian’s “Finding That Song” (2009)

Karen Russell’s “Disco Papa.” (2009)

John Moe’s “Nice Girls” (2011)

Laura Munson’s “Montana Soccer-Mom Moment” (2010)

Ada Calhoun’s “Geekdom Revisited” (2011)

Tony Gervino’s ”A Rat’s Tale” (2011)

Joel Lovell’s ”The Monkey Suit” (2011)

About the Pleasures of Reading Aloud in General (Times Pieces from 1932-2010):

“A Father-Daughter Bond, Page by Page” (2010)

Some Thoughts on the Lost Art of Reading Aloud (2009)

Beijing Journal: Why Is That Woman Reading Aloud in Heavy Traffic? (2005)

About Education: The Virtues of Reading Aloud (1984)

Father’s Adventures in Reading Aloud (1960)

Reading Aloud (1932)

On Mandatory Reading:

In his 2007 piece, “Summer Bummer,” Joe Queenan reflects on his son’s and his own summer reading experiences. (“For as long as anyone can remember, well-meaning pedagogues have been sabotaging summer vacations by forcing high schoolers to read “Lord of the Flies,” “All the King’s Men” and “A Separate Peace.”)

On Dr. Seuss: The Inspiration for Read Across America :

A.O. Scott’s 2008 “Saving Who-Ville Is a Big Production” (“What distinguishes ‘Horton Hears a Who!’ from the other recent Dr. Seuss film adaptations is that it is not one of the worst movies ever made”)

Thomas Friedman’s 2007 column in which he writes, “Maybe Dr. Seuss, in ‘The Cat in the Hat,’ offered the best way to sum up the Middle East today.”

How, When and to Whom to Read Aloud: Tips and Links

Ideas for Reading The Times Aloud With Younger Children

Find Words You Know: Find a Times article with appropriate content, like the one about the lost cat that got from Colorado to Manhattan , and have children circle with a pencil all the words they know, and then have them read the words aloud. Discuss: What do you think this article is about?

Headlines and Illustrations: Read aloud 15 headlines, like “Soccer’s Sound of Team Spirit” or even “Preschoolers in Surgery for a Mouthful of Cavities” and then choose one to use as inspiration for drawing a picture. You might then compare similarities in the photographs or art that Times editors used to illustrate the story and that created by the children.

Slide Show Captions: Look at a slide show, like our “Times Photographs of the Civil Rights Era,” and read aloud all of the captions. Find many, many more slide show choices on the Times multimedia homepage .

Weather Forecast: Start the day by reading aloud the local and national forecast for the day and the week. (Note that this information is more robust in the print paper than on the Web site.)

Recipes: Read aloud several recipes and then choose one to prepare for a family meal.

Ideas for Reading the Times Aloud to Older Students

Reading Marathon: It seems lots of people have caught the read-aloud bug recently, from our nation’s leaders to actors inspired by the Icelandic bank crisis and “The Great Gatsby.” Read about students reading aloud from “Paradise Lost” and “War and Peace” and consider creating your own reading marathon using whatever work you are currently studying — a move of which Curious George, spokesmonkey for the Library of Congress’s public service campaign encouraging parents to read with their children, would approve.

“Spirit Reads”: One New York teacher told us about a technique he calls the “Spirit Read” in his classroom. Students take turns reading when “the Spirit” moves them, taking turns as they see fit. A variation on this, which helps keep student readers on their toes, is the ever-popular “popcorn read” — one student begins reading and when he tires (or reaches the end of a paragraph, or whatever ground rule you set), he yells “popcorn” to get everyone’s attention and calls out another student’s name. The “popcorn” gets everyone’s attention and the named student takes over reading. This means everyone has to be following along, as anyone’s name could be called any time.

Interactive Read-Alouds: To increase student participation in reading aloud, try an Interactive Read-Aloud, a technique from the National Writing Project. Read aloud, stopping every few paragraphs or pages depending on your goals and the density and level of your text. Then, ask either classic literacy skills questions like “What predictions can you make about what happens next?” or mix those up with more whimsical questions like “If this character could say what he really wanted to say right now, what would he say?” or “Draw a quick illustration that could accompany this part of the text.” Invite students to turn to a partner and share what they’ve written or drawn, then have a very brief whole-class share before you continue reading.

Understanding Breaking News: Use read-alouds to help history-in-the-making come alive for your students by reading news accounts or Opinion pieces on important news as it happens. Or, choose world-shaking news from the past from our On This Day in History collection . You might select quotations from different pieces about the same event and write them on slips of paper. Hand them out to students and do a “read-around,” “spirit read” or “popcorn read” to get a sense of the multiple voices involved in the event.

Learning Network Weekly Fill-Ins : Each week we choose a high-interest recent article, about everything from pythons to “The Simpsons” to Twinkies to Halloween houses of horror and drop out some of the words in the first several paragraphs. One great way to help students’ reading, and listening, comprehension is to read the original article aloud first, then have them fill in the blanks from memory.

From the Blogs: Times bloggers have strong voices and address topical, interesting, and sometimes bizarre subjects perfect for read-alouds. The Motherlode blog addresses topics – often controversial ones — relating to children, teens and parents, for instance, while Diners Journal has some fun food writing for reading aloud, like this Q and A with Andrew Simmern about eating bugs, which is sure to gross out students if read before or after lunch.

Exploring Tone with the Times: Reading aloud is a wonderful way to help students hear and understand tone. Columnist Maureen Dowd’s pieces, like “Have You Driven a Smartphone Lately?” are strong on sarcasm and big on voice. First person pieces like “Lost in Las Vegas” also work well out loud. Students can experiment with tone by creating a speech from a piece like Mark Bittman’s food manifesto .

On Reading and Technology: Many Times writers have explored the intersection between books and technology in pieces like “Living Singles,” “Growing Up Digital, Wired for Distraction” and a Bits blog post on social e-reading . Our Future of Reading post links to a number of recent, interesting pieces on this topic.

Debates and Reader’s Theater: Get a group together, and have each person take the role of one of the expert contributors to an installment of Room for Debate , like “Are People Getting Dumber?” or “Recipe for a Pop Star.” They might even be staged as full-fledged Reader’s Theater!

Reacting to Reviews: Read aloud a review of a movie you have seen or video game you have played, and then add your own commentary. Or have each member of class select a book review past or present, to read aloud to the class, and then have students choose from the titles reviewed for their independent reading or book club .

Why Read Aloud at All? Finally, if you’re wondering why one should read aloud at all, what you do before or after, or whether there’s such thing as a class too old or advanced to be read aloud to (answer: no), you can find resources here. Or read French author, parent and former teacher Daniel Pennac on the 10 “Rights of the Reader,” especially #9 “The right to read out loud” (PDF).

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• Entertainment

34 Great Books to Suit Any Mood or Interest

With all these choices (humor! thrills! non-snobby cultural criticism!) you're bound to find your next great read.

There are several science-backed benefits of reading real books —relaxation being one of them. Count falling asleep faster as another health benefit of reading a book before bed . It can also be a fun summer activity for when you're short on funds. And, starting or joining a book club not only boosts your cognitive skills but also fills your schedule with an activity that can improve your emotional health and combat cabin fever —all too common during COVID. The Great Gatsby, for example, is a classic book that's perfect for any book club. It's also a great book to revisit when you're feeling nostalgic for the past . Those in their 20s might want books that offer valuable lessons on life, love, and friendship. Whatever the subject, a few good books tucked in a care package can't help but brighten anyone's day.

When we're looking for good books to read, we browse bestseller lists, click around Goodreads and Instagram, and ask friends for their recommendations. But the usual blanket categories and genres can be a bit too broad, and often, we've found that we get the best recommendations when we choose books based on our mood or our interests.

If you're looking for interesting books to read, we've compiled a list of 34 super-specific recommendations you won't be able to put down. This list has you covered, no matter how you're feeling.

If You're Looking for an Honest Story About Losing a Mother

Crying in H Mart, by Michelle Zauner This is the memoir and debut book of Michelle Zauner, lead singer of the indie band Japanese Breakfast . Zauner writes about growing up Korean American and how losing her mother to cancer when she was 25 forced her to reconnect with her identity. It's a story of Zauner's grief and an exploration of all the gifts (language, food, history) her mother left behind. Zauner's memoir would be a wonderful addition to the growing list of great mother-daughter books .

If You're Looking for a Novel That Reads Like Poetry

On Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous , by Ocean Vuong

Ocean Vuong is a Vietnamese-American poet and his debut novel is written in the form of a letter from a son to a mother who cannot read. Exploring race, class, and masculinity, the novel handles difficult topics with beauty and the kind of lines that will hang in the air long after you've set the book down.

If You Like Sharp Humor and Quick Reads

One Day We'll All Be Dead and None of This Will Matter , by Scaachi Koul

Written by Buzzfeed senior writer Scaachi Koul, this collection of essays is rich with relatable humor, no matter how specific the scenarios. Koul invites the reader into some of her most miserable and mortifying life moments, from feeling like an outsider as the daughter of Indian immigrants in Canada to shaving her knuckles to fit in at school.

If You Want to Remember bell hooks

All About Love , by bell hooks

Feminist scholar and activist bell hooks died in 2021 at age 69, but her works have long been and will remain timeless. Her 1999 book is, as the title says, all about love, from personal, psychological, and philosophical perspectives.

If You Really Missed Traveling (and Anthony Bourdain)

World Travel: An Irreverent Guide, by Anthony Bourdain and Laurie Woolever

Had to cancel your dream vacation due to the pandemic? This posthumous collection of essays and reflections captures the late travel and food writer and TV host Anthony Bourdain's favorite places on the planet—and may just inspire your future travels.

If You Want Something a Little Dishy

Good Company by Cynthia D'Aprix Sweeney

This summer-perfect read about secrets in a marriage offers an insider's glimpse into the New York theater and Hollywood scenes.

If You Need to Be Reminded of (the Greatness of) the Great Outdoors

Where the Crawdads Sing, by Delia Owens

Kya grows up wild and nearly alone along the North Carolina shores, where the natural world becomes her classroom and her great love. (It may just encourage you to go outside and commune with yourself and your nearest stretch of wilderness.)

If You're Worried You're a Helicopter Mom

Girls With Bright Futures, by Tracy Dobmeier and Wendy Katzman

This thriller follows three moms as they go into overdrive to try to get their daughters a single, coveted spot at Stanford—including possibly attempted murder. (So no, you're doing just fine!)

If You Ever Wondered What Life Was Like in Your Dream House

The Dutch House, by Ann Patchett

Spoiler alert: Life isn't as perfect on the inside of a dream house as it appears. This artful portrait of a dysfunctional family—and the house they inhabit—is worthy book club fare.

If You Appreciate Great Dialogue

Normal People , by Sally Rooney

If you haven't yet read Rooney's Normal People or her 2017 debut, Conversations with Friends , the Irish author's novels are great books to read if you like biting dialogue and stories about messy, real relationships.

If There Aren't Enough True Crime Podcasts for You

Say Nothing: A True Story of Murder and Memory in Northern Ireland , by Patrick Radden Keefe

We'll say it: There are tons of true crime books and podcasts—but very few of them actually solve said crimes or offer much in the way of new information (of course, no shame in getting a rundown or entertaining commentary!). But this fact is what sets Say Nothing apart. You don't need to know much about the conflict in Northern Ireland to immediately be sucked into Keefe's reporting and writing, then completely enraptured when he starts to figure out who murdered Jean McConville.

If You Want Something a Little...Unsettling

Trust Exercise , by Susan Choi

In Choi's experimental coming of age novel, which won the 2019 National Book Award for fiction, two theater kids, Sarah and David, fall in love and explore their relationship for their craft under the watchful eye of their drama teacher. The twists are unexpected and the setting—a high-pressure arts school in the 1980s—is pitch-perfect. You'll want to talk about it with everyone.

If You're Looking to Learn Something

Wine Simple: A Totally Approachable Guide from a World-Class Sommelier , by Aldo Sohm and Christine Muhlke

Aldo Sohm has been named the best sommelier in the world and oversees the wine program at one of New York City's top restaurants. Despite such accolades, he and Christine Muhlke have written a highly approachable handbook. Full of fun charts and illustrations, the unfussy Wine Simple demystifies everything from buzzy natural wines to tasting like a pro at your next dinner out.

If You Want to Read Cultural Criticism Without the Usual Snobbery

Trick Mirror: Reflections on Self-Delusion , by Jia Tolentino

In her debut collection of nine original essays, the popular NewYorker.com writer interrogates everything from millennial scammers to the Internet. It's compulsively readable, thanks in large part to Tolentino's own self-reflection and autobiographical elements.

If You Want to Spend a Little Less Time on Your Phone

24/6: The Power of Unplugging One Day a Week, by Tiffany Shlain

In 24/6, filmmaker and popular speaker Shlain introduces readers to what she calls a "Technology Shabbat"—the one day, every week, where she and her family turn off all electronic devices. Beyond detailing the many ways she and her family have benefited, Shlain gives helpful, reassuring advice for embracing your own tech shabbat and curbing device use.

If You Can't Read Enough About Hygge, Lagom, and Swedish Death Cleaning

The Book of Ichigo Ichie: The Art of Making the Most of Every Moment, the Japanese Way , by Héctor García and Francesc Miralles

You've death-cleaned your home. You hygge with the best of them come winter. But have you heard of ichigo ichie, the Japanese art of savoring the moment, yet? Let the authors of The Book of Ichigo Ichie be your guides.

If You Just Finished Binge Watching and Reading The Handmaid's Tale

Women Talking, by Miriam Toews

A lot of books claim to be "the next Handmaid's Tale ," but Women Talking really fits the bill. This feminist fiction novel about a group of Mennonite women who are drugged and attacked by men from their community is particularly haunting because it's based on real events. Margaret Atwood herself says the story "could be right out of The Handmaid's Tale ," so it has the official stamp of approval. If you're feeling helpless about the state of the world, Women Talking will inspire you to stand up, use your voice, and keep fighting.

If You're Happy With a Smart, Grown-Up Romance

The Kiss Quotient, by Helen Hoang

Stella is great with numbers, but because she has Asperger's, she's not so great at romance. To gain experience, she hires an escort to practice and perfect her skills in the bedroom—and accidentally falls in love with him. Helen Hoang's #ownvoices novel is equal parts sweet and steamy. After reading The Kiss Quotient , you can jump immediately into the next book in the trilogy: The Bride Test , a companion novel about a woman searching for love and an autistic man who doesn't know if he can return her feelings.

If Oddball Families Make You Smile

Mostly Dead Things, by Kristen Arnett

Everyone's family has their strange quirks, and Jessa's is no exception. After her father commits suicide in their family's taxidermy shop, their behavior gets even stranger; for starters, her mom begins making aggressive and sexually suggestive taxidermy art. Jessa takes over the business and tries to be strong for everyone but struggles to reach her loved ones that refuse to talk about their issues. Mostly Dead Things is one of the strangest, most bizarre books you'll ever read—in the best possible way.

If You're Down for a Literary Masterpiece You Can Read in One Sitting

Looker, by Laura Sims

Sometimes, it's hard to categorize a book into just one genre. Looker isn't exactly a thriller or a mystery, but it contains elements of both. It offers a peek into the mind of an unnamed woman growing more and more unstable by the page. As she mourns her own broken life, she becomes obsessed with her neighbor, a famous actress. While Looker is short—less than 200 pages—it's packed with themes of obsession, jealousy, and madness. Laura Sims made every word count.

If You Want a Good Cry (Two Boxes of Tissues, Minimum)

The Bright Hour: A Memoir of Living and Dying, by Nina Riggs

This memoir, published posthumously, sets out to answer the question: How do you make your life meaningful when you know your time is limited?

If You Wore Out Your Copy of Like Water for Chocolate

The Particular Sadness of Lemon Cake, by Aimee Bender

Fans of magic realism should dig into this tale of a young girl whose mother's despair is a key ingredient in her desserts.

If You Just Went Through a Breakup

Alone Time , by Stephanie Rosenbloom

​​ Four cities, four seasons, and countless tables for one. In this memoir, Stephanie Rosenbloom explores the joys of solo adventuring.

If You Love Quirky Science and Psychology

Swearing Is Good For You , by Emma Byrne

A damn good read, packed with scientific proof that sometimes it's OK to drop a few f-bombs.

If You Want to Fulfill Your Fantasies of Working on a Winery

The Shortest Way Home , by Miriam Parker

When Hannah finds herself with everything she's ever wanted (at least she thinks so?), she can't resist giving it all up for a dream she never knew she had.

If You've Been Looking for Another Book Like Where'd You Go Bernadette

What You Don't Know About About Charlie Outlaw , by Leah Stewart

A quirky tale of two Hollywood stars who break up only to find themselves needing each other more than ever—especially after one of them is kidnapped on a desert island.

If You're Breastfeeding Your Cluster Feeding Baby

Gmorning, Gnight!: Little Pep Talks for Me & You , by Lin-Manuel Miranda

You know you want Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda to be your best friend. While you may not be able to join his entourage and follow him around all day, you can get his book. Inspired by his lovely messages to his fans on Twitter, this illustrated collection of sayings will encourage you to seize the day, the night, and all of the other hours in between.

If You Want to Be Put Into a Good Mood

Becoming , by Michelle Obama

Former First Lady of the United States Michelle Obama has lived an accomplished life, but it hasn't been without hardships. In Becoming , Obama weaves the story of her inspiring life, from the years she spent growing up on the South Side of Chicago to her life in the White House. You will earn to a new appreciation of the former First Lady when you learn about all the things she's experienced—and triumphed over—and her story will inspire you to live a more daring life.

If You're About to Have a Baby

Overwhelmed , by Brigid Schulte

You've probably heard by now that you won't be sleeping much after you welcome your bundle of joy (and noise) into the world. Parenthood can be challenging and exhausting, but you don't have to feel like you've lost yourself while you're creating a life for someone else. Journalist Brigid Schulte lays out how our always-on culture can get the best of us and what you can do to take back some time for yourself.

If You're in Love

Kafka on the Shore , by Haruki Murakami

A novel of fantastical magic realism, Kafka on the Shore has a vivid, dreamy plot. Even more accomplished is the novel's turn of phrase, like this quote: "Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time." With hundreds of lines like that one, Kafka on the Shore will have you going back again and again to find more gorgeous words to describe your own ardor.

If You're In a Bad Mood

I Remember Nothing , by Nora Ephron

Do you have one of those friends that can complain about anything, but their complaints are entertaining, literary delights? No? Well, Nora Ephron can satisfy that itch. In I Remember Nothing , Ephron, the late writer and creator of beloved movies like You've Got Mail, holds forth on the weird and wonderful changes that define modern life. Don't read this book in public: People will keep giving you weird looks when you can't stop laughing.

If You're Feeling Ready for a Vacation

Flâneuse , by Lauren Elkin

Each of us holds a desire to wander, but for Lauren Elkin, the urge is irresistible. In Flâneuse, Elkin meanders through the great cities of the world, including New York, Paris, Venice, and London, ruminating on the culture of strolling through cities and what it means to explore as a woman.

If You're Getting Hitched

The Wedding Date , by Jasmine Guillory

If you're about to get married, and you're planning a huge party for your nuptials, take a minute to see your wedding from your guests' perspective: attending a wedding without a plus one has the potential to be nerve-racking. In Jasmine Guillory's fun romance, The Wedding Date, Alex Monroe and Drew Nichols solve their potential date-less embarrassment by faking a relationship, and the result is as juicy and delightful as you can imagine.

If You're in the Mood for a Spine-Tingling Stories

The Thirteenth Tale , by Diane Setterfield

The Thirteenth Tale is a novel for book lovers. Although it's anything but cozy, it's the perfect book to read in chilly winter . Biographer Margaret Lea is tasked with telling the life story of the enigmatic author Vida Winter, whose lauded collection of stories is missing the eponymous 13th tale. As Winter unravels her life's story for Lea, her mysterious past of Victorian-gothic proportions unfolds.

Related Articles

Most Read in 2021

Year-End Lists!

We don’t publish a lot of lists. But this year, having launched this new website with nearly complete access to 30 years of magazine archives, we thought it seemed like a good time to look back at the stories that resonated with our readers. 

In that spirit, we’ve compiled the most-read pieces published on our website in 2021, as well as the most-read work from our archives. 

And for good measure, we’ve pulled together a few pieces worth an honorable mention; our favorite Sunday Short Reads ; CNF content that was republished elsewhere; and the best advice, inspiration, and think pieces from some of our favorite publications.

Finally, if you enjoy what follows, please know there’s plenty more! We have a soft paywall on our site, which allows for three free reads a month. To get unlimited access for as little as $4/month, simply subscribe today.

Top 10 Published in 2021

• Almost Behind Us A dental emergency interrupts a meaningful anniversary // JENNIFER BOWERING DELISLE
• El Valle, 1991 An early lesson in strength and fragility // AURELIA KESSLER
• Stay at Home All those hours alone with a new baby can be rough // JARED HANKS
• The Desert Was His Home There are many things we don’t know about Mr. Otomatsu Wada, and a few things we do // ERIC L. MULLER
• Just a Big Cat The dramatic boredom of jury duty // ERICA GOSS
• What Will We Do for Fun Now? Her parents survived World War II and the Blitz just fine … didn’t they? // JANE RATCLIFFE
• Harriet Two brothers and a turtle // TYLER McANDREW
• Rango Getting existential at a funeral for a lizard   // JARRETT G. ZIEMER
• Mouse Lessons from a hamster emergency // BEVERLY PETRAVICIUS
• Roxy & the Worm Box Trying to recapture a childhood love of dirt // ANJOLI ROY

Top 5 from the Archive

• Picturing the Personal Essay A visual guide // TIM BASCOM
• The 5 Rs of Creative Nonfiction The essayist at work   // LEE GUTKIND
• The Line Between Fact & Fiction Do not add, and do not deceive // ROY PETER CLARK
• The Braided Essay as Social Justice Action The braided essay may be the most effective form for our times // NICOLE WALKER
• On Fame, Success, and Writing Like a Mother#^@%*& An interview with Cheryl Strayed   // ELISSA BASSIST

Honorable Mention ( ICYMI Essays)

• Latinx Heritage Month Who do you complain to when it’s HR you have a problem with? // MELISSA LUJAN MESKU
• Women’s Work Sometimes, freedom means choosing your obligations // EILEEN GARVIN
• Bloodlines and Bitter Syrup Avoiding prison in Huntsville, Texas, is nearly impossible // WILL BRIDGES
• Stealth A nontraditional couple struggles with keeping part of their life together private while undertaking the public act of filing for marriage // HEATHER OSTERMAN-DAVIS
• Something Like Vertigo An environmental writer sees parallels between her father’s declining equilibrium and a world turned upside down   // ELIZABETH RUSH

Our favorite Sunday Short Reads from our partners 

from BREVITY

• What Joy Looks Like SSR #128  // DORIAN FOX
• How to Do Nothing SSR #156 // ABIGAIL THOMAS

from DIAGRAM

• At 86, My Grandmother Regrets Two Things SSR #134 // DIANA XIN
• The Seedy Corner SSR #140 // KIMBERLY GARZA

from RIVER TEETH

• Waste Not SSR #131 // DESIREE COOPER
• This Is Orange SSR #141 // JILL KOLONGOWSKI

from SWEET LITERARY

• The Pilgrim’s Prescription SSR #122  // CAROLYN ALESSIO
• Leaves in the Hall SSR #160 // ANNE GUDGER

Our favorite stories from around the internet. 

Advice & Inspiration

• In Praise of the Meander Rebecca Solnit on letting nonfiction narrative find its own way (via Lit Hub )
• What’s Missing Here? A Fragmentary, Lyric Essay About Fragmentary, Lyric Essays Julie Marie Wade on the mode that never quite feels finished (via Lit Hub )
• Getting Honest about Om A brief essay on audience (via Brevity )
• Using the Personal to Write the Global Intimate details, personal exploration and respect for facts (via Nieman Storyboard )
• Fix Your Scene Shapes And quickly improve your manuscript (via Jane Friedman’s blog)

The State of Nonfiction

• What the NYT ‘Guest Essay’ Means for the Future of Creative Nonfiction Description (via Brevity )
• How the Role of Personal Expression and Experience Is Changing Journalism On the future of the newsroom (via Poynter )
• 50 Shades of Nuance in a Polarized World An essayist ponders when to write black-and-white polemics that attract clicks, and when to be more considered (via Nieman Storyboard )
• These Literary Memoirs Take a Different Tack Description (via NY Times )
• The Politics of Gatekeeping On reconsidering the ethics of blind submissions (via Poets & Writers )

• Our Mission

The Benefits of Reading for Fun

There’s a powerful academic impact, new research reveals, when students are voracious, voluntary readers.

Mrs. Mason was “the perfect reading ambassador,” said Sandra Martin-Chang, recalling an early reading role model, her high school English and drama teacher. “She encouraged me to read excellent books with great storylines. We read The Handmaid’s Tale , and it was fabulous.… We’d envision it first and then think about how to enact it and bring it to life.”

Now a professor of education at Concordia University, Martin-Chang studies how reading storybooks and novels influences cognitive development.

In a new study published in Reading and Writing , she and her colleagues found significant differences between students who read for pleasure outside of class—immersing themselves in fantasy novels or spy thrillers, for example—and those who primarily read books to satisfy school assignments. Not only was there a powerful link between reading for fun and stronger language skills, but students who disliked reading frequently attributed their negative outlook to experiences they had in classrooms. Too much emphasis on analyzing the compositional nuts and bolts of texts and reading merely to absorb information came at a psychological cost, the researchers found, as students disengaged from voluntary reading.

In the study, Martin-Chang and her colleagues surveyed 200 university undergraduates, asking them about their reading interests, how often they read for pleasure, what motivated them, and what experiences helped shape their attitudes toward reading. They were also asked to identify authors they had read in the past—a proxy for measuring how many books they had read. The young adults then took a series of tests to gauge their reading ability.

“We found that often children’s experience in elementary school is far more positive, and then it drops in high school,” said Martin-Chang. While children in kindergarten and early elementary school tend to read storybooks as they develop their reading skills—often sharing the experience with an adult—by high school, the nature of reading changes as students are expected to read a steady diet of more challenging, information-rich texts. Somewhere during that transition, a love of reading seems to fade.

In the study, 35 percent of students pinpointed a specific reason: They didn’t enjoy reading because “being asked to analyze books in high school made it less pleasurable.”

But analyzing the elements of good writing—how persuasion works, how figurative language can elevate texts—is essential to teaching kids the full range of their expressive potential, and Martin-Chang isn’t suggesting that we read only for fun. “Competence is very, very important. We can’t skip straight to books children love without teaching them how to do it right,” she said. She likens reading to eating a well-balanced diet: “The people who say chocolate is good for you don’t recommend eating it to the exclusion of all other things.” Focusing primarily on analyzing texts and gathering information—a shift that tends to occur in middle and high school—can send the signal that reading is merely a utilitarian undertaking, robbing it of its powerful connection to human imagination, passion, and creativity, making it a lot less desirable.

We need to take reading for fun as seriously as we take academic reading, if we’re going to sustain voluntary reading through middle school and high school, and into adulthood.

Expand Their Options

For Martin-Chang, reading for pleasure isn’t a diversion from rigorous academics—it’s a gratifying form of cognitive exercise, one that is both enjoyable and intellectually beneficial.

“We don’t just want kids exercising in gym class, we want them to continue to exercise when they get home,” said Martin-Chang. “So it’s the same with reading. In school, we want to show them a range of things that hopefully they’ll pick up, go home, and continue to do on their own time.”

Even light reading provides a host of benefits, increasing verbal and creative skills, nourishing our capacity for empathy, and even reducing prejudice against stigmatized groups—all skills that are developed as readers become accustomed to inhabiting unfamiliar worlds, seeing things from new perspectives, and contemplating how a chain of events can lead to unforeseen outcomes.

Yet reading for fun—particularly the kinds of books that aren’t part of classical literature or that don’t carry literary prestige—is often considered less useful. “It’s a false dichotomy,” said Martin-Chang. “People feel like we either let the kids be creative, do what they want, and we give them choice, or we get serious about things and they excel and they’re a good student. It’s serious or it’s fun. And that dichotomy is completely misguided.”

That’s why providing students with a rich and varied reading diet can make a difference. “Offer more choice,” said Martin-Chang. Introduce students to Romeo and Juliet , but give them the option to read The Fault in Our Stars as well; let them read comic books and manga, sports writing and plays, sci-fi and horror novels. In other words, it seems clear that if we want students to build literacy skills, it’s better for them to consume dozens of texts that they love, connect with, or feel inspired by, instead of grudgingly reading one because it’s assigned.

While children’s literacy skill development begins at home, teachers play a profoundly important part in encouraging students to love reading, a point that Martin-Chang makes clear when she’s training preservice teachers.

“People will either talk about teachers that loved reading, encouraged them as readers and really lit a fire, or they’ll talk about teachers who did the exact opposite,” said Martin-Chang. “They'll talk about teachers that took something that was once pleasurable and diminished it, or they’ll talk about teachers that didn’t seem to like reading themselves, or made them feel like less of a reader.”

In the study, Martin-Chang points to research on preservice teachers showing that “over half reported receiving little to no enjoyment from reading.” The teachers often attributed their disinterest to experiences they had in school, a finding that Martin-Chang and her colleagues called “especially concerning,” alluding to the cyclical nature of reading habits. “Teachers carry immense power in influencing students’ attitudes toward reading,” the researchers concluded.

So part of Martin-Chang’s mission is to convince teachers—and everyone else—that there’s tremendous value in giving students more choice in what they read, including books that may appear to be self-indulgent or have little intellectual merit.

In the classroom, said Martin-Chang, model a love of reading—go beyond grammar and meaning and inhabit the narrative worlds on the page. Emphasize choice, and give students opportunities to read and share during class time. Teachers have shared their own strategies to promote choice: Expand your classroom library beyond the traditional literary canon, and make sure it includes books that reflect students’ backgrounds, cultures, experiences, and passions . Offer plenty of ungraded ways for them to think about their reading: To ensure that they do the reading without the pressure of grades, pair kids up as reading accountability partners ; to enliven and dramatize books, let them act out scenes ; to build a thriving community of readers, set up book clubs or book tastings . Avoid rote or mechanical exercises like reading logs , which can create the impression that reading is a chore to be completed and then quickly set aside.

And if books aren’t normally a part of your curriculum, you can still show an interest in what your students are reading by making connections to a lesson. Start a science experiment by referencing Harry Potter , for example, or use dystopian novels to discuss totalitarianism, propaganda, or human rights.

“It’s important to teach children how to read,” said Martin-Chang. “And once we do that, we need to make it worthwhile. We’ve got to give them a reason. We’ve got to give them a view once they climb that mountain.”

Writing for Fun: A Guide to Playfulness for Serious Writers

by Sue Weems | 0 comments

Start Your Story TODAY! We’re teaching a new LIVE workshop this week to help you start your next book. Learn more and sign up here.

Writing is a lot of work, and there are definitely parts of the process that aren’t fun. But if writing has become a drudgery, if it’s become something you dread every day, then maybe it’s time for a little play to reinvigorate your love for writing. What if you were writing for fun?

I’ve spent most of my teaching career with high school and college students, but I had the opportunity to work as an elementary librarian for a few years, running book and writing clubs and basically playing in the literary sandbox with kids. It was a blast.

The kids who came to my book and writing clubs embraced the experimental in their work, willing to play with words in a way I’d not seen in the majority of my teen and adult students. I remember a student who would read the same line or page in a book with multiple voices, each one adding a new line or slightly altering the message and tone until we couldn’t hear his voice anymore over our laughter. 

It was pure joy. 

Joy: lost and found

As I went back to my high school and college classrooms, I found that most of my students loathed writing. If I announced a writing project or exploration, it was met with groans. The questions that these writers asked included, “How long does it have to be?” and “Am I done?” Writing had become pure torture.

Somewhere along the way, someone made them feel like they weren’t writers. They stopped trusting their own creativity and voice.

As I began to unpack why, most reported that all the fun had been drained out of writing with uninteresting prompts and five-paragraph essays. They didn’t have time or the option to write about things that interested them. Too often we prioritize academic niche writing at the expense of every other form that we consume and enjoy daily. 

My first goal is always the same: help them rediscover their voice and ability to play with language. Put another way, help them rediscover writing for fun . I gently nudge writers toward topics and forms they like, in hopes they would rekindle some of that childhood curiosity and creativity. We begin to see pages in notebooks filled where blank lines had once sat hopeless. 

Invariably, I begin to hear conversations that include, “Listen to this!” and “OMG, I’ve never written this much before.” 

A few students still eye me warily, sure I'm about to force them to turn their fun into something they’ll dread. Instead, we find the lines that sing, we find one thing to improve, and we keep going. 

Volume and deliberate practice yield results. And the way to more volume? The way to keep going? Is to make the writing practice fun.

But what about (cough, cough) serious writing

That’s fine and well, you might say, but what about the *serious writing*? I teach that too, but students need freedom in topics and form as much as possible. And I would argue that *serious writing,* like all good writing, is created from a place of fervency (some call it exigence)—the topic matters, and the form rises to meet the needs of the writer and the audience. 

But don’t underestimate the power of play. We don’t outgrow it.

My college classes are finishing an argumentative writing course right now, and their culminating project asks them to engage a form creatively that uses the same skills we applied to formal academic writing: research, curation, analysis, and synthesis.

Some students are analyzing true crime podcasts. Others are building public service announcements. Some are writing fiction and others are honing creative skills like learning a complex piano piece and tracking development. 

I’ve heard comments such as, “I hadn’t thought of this as writing!” and “I can’t believe I get to do this for school. I’m learning so much. Thank you!” 

Turns out the best way to take your writing seriously is to play. 

For adults: Meet your mentor, a kid

How do we do it, then? Is it really as simple as, “OK, today I’m going to play”?

For kids, it is—they don’t think so much about the rules and what sells and what’s expected. If you’ve ever played a game with a child who was improvising the day as she went along, you’ve experienced this. 

 For adults, I’ll wager we’re all sitting at our laptops trying to force ourselves into some childlike state, fingers poised over the keyboard. “Play, darn it! Write for fun!” Really, we need to start by letting our minds wander.

What games did you love as a kid? Make a list or describe a game the way you remember it. Then write a variation.

Add something absurd. Add an alliterative line. Smile as you write or type.

Take a snack break. Smell something near you and describe it to your dog. 

Read something that makes you laugh. Read something that takes your breath away. Describe what happened or mimic the form.

Don’t think about what you’re going to do with the writing that emerges. Just play. The experience is its own reward. 

For kids: The Write Summer Camp 2020

Do you have a child age 7 to 14 whom you would love to see keep their writing joy and develop it this summer? 

We’ve gathered a group of bestselling authors, professional writers, and award-winning teachers to create a fun, interactive, week-long writing experience.

Camp sessions are all held online, and we combine the right blend of writing instruction, encouraging feedback, and lots of writing fun for kids. 

During your child’s Write Summer Camp experience, they’ll get to:

• Learn from professional writers
• Find and develop ideas for writing
• Write their own story, ready to share by the end of camp
• Practice revising their own work using feedback
• Build their creative muscles and writing confidence

We're inviting kids ages 7 to 14 to play with writing this summer. Sound like fun?

Learn more and apply »

No matter your age, you can always rekindle the joy of play in your writing. Relax and give yourself permission to be silly. Let your curiosity and whimsy guide you.

Remember, the more you write for fun and enjoy the process, the more others will enjoy reading it!

When have you found joy in writing? What are your favorite ways to play in your writing? Share in the comments . 

Take fifteen minutes . Make a list of your favorite childhood games or describe a game the way you remember it.

Then write a variation. Add something absurd. Add an alliterative line. Smile as you write or type. Take a snack break. Smell something near you and describe it to your dog.

Alternately? Just sit on the floor and tinker with something for ten minutes , and then come back and describe the experience. 

Share your play in the comments below , and be sure to leave feedback for your fellow writers!

Sue Weems is a writer, teacher, and traveler with an advanced degree in (mostly fictional) revenge. When she’s not rationalizing her love for parentheses (and dramatic asides), she follows a sailor around the globe with their four children, two dogs, and an impossibly tall stack of books to read. You can read more of her writing tips on her website .

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Five Reasons to Get Caught Reading—for Fun!

• By Joi Arceneaux
• May 12, 2023

May is Get Caught Reading Month , a time for bibliophiles to celebrate their love of all things reading. It is also a time to raise awareness about the advantages of indulging in literature—reading for pleasure and not just for work or school.

Here are some reasons why reading what you want to read, when you want to read it can be beneficial:

It has always been evident that reading recreationally is good for brain development, but it is still important to highlight a few of the ways that reading supports a healthy brain. Indulging in a book helps brain growth by expanding vocabulary, boosting working memory, developing writing skills, and increasing concentration overall.

Studies show that recreational reading is an effective way to relieve stress and manage emotions. The past few years have put everyone through a lot, and needing to decompress in productive ways is a must. Picking up a book is one of the best ways to do so.

Have you ever noticed that as you read, your brain creates a movie in your mind? That imagination exercise has benefits far beyond entertainment. Enhancing your imagination can expand your worldview. For your young reader, imagination can help develop problem-solving skills, which are critical to academic, social, and professional growth.

Studies have shown that reading for leisure has been linked to increased empathy in both children and adults. According to National Today , eighty-two percent of the people often donating to charity are readers. Through reading, one increases their communication skills, self-understanding, and understanding of others who are different from them—all keys to the development of overall empathy.

Reading for leisure allows children to choose what they want to read and how they want to read it. Being given the opportunity to explore different genres, authors, and topics allows children to find their own interests, boosting confidence and creating a self-identity.

Reading books and discussing them with classmates and friends makes your reading experience that much more enjoyable and beneficial. Find great stories and discussion guides in our Great Books Store , so, as the school year winds down, you and your young reader can be caught reading more.

Professional Learning Consultant

As a teacher, Joi Arceneaux built her classroom culture around civil discourse and a love of literacy. After seven years in education as both a classroom teacher and literacy coach, Joi joined the Great Books Foundation as a professional learning consultant. Passionate about literacy and driven by her fervent belief in quality education for all students, Joi is thrilled to support teachers in using the Shared Inquiry approach with their students.

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Thrillers in Which Characters Actually Get to Have Fun

Rachel koller croft on crime fiction characters who can chill.

I have a few personal barometers to determine if someone is a good time…

1. People that like Las Vegas. 2. People that like Pitbull. 3. People that like my books.

I joke (mostly), but I really do prioritize having fun in all of my writing, even though I write thrillers so it definitely gets dark and weird, too. But I always make sure there are plenty of scenes where my characters are living it up—like in my latest novel, We Love the Nightlife , which is about disco vampires in London. Yes, they love to dance as much as they love to hunt for men to snack on outside the club.

I believe we need more women letting their hair down in literature of all genres. It may sound trite, but joy and humor balance out the not-so-fun parts of life so why wouldn’t they be a priority in a story as well, even one that goes dark in both themes and subject matter? Having moments of levity, including laugh-out-loud scenes, is one of the things I set out to accomplish within the vampire genre.

I’m obviously a fan of just about anything vampiric (particularly where Anne Rice and Charlaine Harris are concerned), but the stories often revolve around the edgy and brooding male sort—who I do love and appreciate in their own way of course. But I wondered, “Where were the girlypop vampires?” Seeing a really fun gap in the marketplace to fill, I decided to write some myself and thankfully, I know I’m not the only one. I can’t wait to get my hands on Rachel Harrison’s So Thirsty in October!

But aside from vampires, I hold a special place in my heart for any thriller that lets their characters actually have some fun amidst the drama, backstabbing, murder and all that other good stuff we readers and writers love about this genre. Like I always say, if we aren’t laughing, we’re probably crying! So let’s get to some of my favorites:

The Hunting Wives by May Cobb

A modern classic that is soon-to-be a television series on Starz, in case you haven’t been poring over Deadline or Variety lately. May Cobb knocked it out of the park with this one. Wild women with cold hard cash down in Texas throwing back shots with younger men on the outskirts of town. Hello. Need I say more? Fine, I will. They are just as hilarious as they are dangerous. The best combo.

It Had To Be You by Eliza Jane Brazier

I adored this steamy spin on a spy thriller from Eliza Jane Brazier. Let me tell you, she lets her characters have FUN with a capital F and U in her latest. Keep a fan handy by the pool as you bed-hop from country to country with these sexy MCs who toe the line between wanting to kill each other and, well, you know …it’s a hot one!

Kismet by Amina Akhtar

Anything wellness related almost always has me chortling out loud, because so much of it is so ridiculous, and Amina Akhtar lets it rip with her take on Sedona woo-woo culture. MC Ronnie really leans into the finer things of the “clean girl aesthetic” and finds herself taking to the lifestyle with aplomb—before the dead bodies start showing up. Also, I need to shout out the very entertaining ravens in this world who also go on a spree of their very own!

The Next Mrs. Parrish by Liv Constantine

There is just something about the Mrs. Parrish universe that screams fun and I think it’s because Constantine lets the characters’ be nefarious and naughty in such splashy fashion. You can just tell they get as much of a kick out of themselves as the readers do. If you have a Desperate Housewives -sized hole in your fun-loving heart, this book will fill it.

Love Letters To A Serial Kille r by Tasha Coryell

The way I laughed out loud multiple times in this book. The character of Hannah is a total kook, but I know she’s downright enjoying herself as she unabashedly pursues a handsome and charming, uh, alleged serial killer. If you ever wondered what was going through the mind of “those women” we all watch true crime documentaries, you’ll get your answer here. Bonkers!

The Spare Room by Andrea Bartz

You know in an Andrea Bartz book that some dark and shady stuff is gonna go down…but this time, she let her characters get a little freaky first and frankly, the MC Kelly deserves to have some spicy fun considering where she starts: no friends, no job, no more fiance. So when this hot couple opens up their marriage for her? Good luck, babe!

Age of Vice by Deepti Kapoor

I mean, it’s right there in the name! The characters in Deepti Kapoor’s sprawling epic saga about gangsters and lovers in India are often beholden to their vices and damn, if it isn’t fun to read about. From the glittering beaches of Goa to the exclusive parties at outrageous estates in New Delhi, it’s easy to luxuriate in those moments when your heart isn’t racing when the notoriously violent Wadia family does whatever it takes to get what they want.

The Astrology House by Carinn Jade

The characters in this book are messy and drama-filled to the max, but given that they are attending an astrology retreat, there’s definitely fun to be had, too. I loved seeing how each of them interacted with the practice because even “non-believers” are always curious. Astrology never fails to entertain and neither does this fabulous debut! Oh, you’re not into astrology? What a totally Taurus thing to say. Come on, get involved!

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Rachel Koller Croft

Previous article, next article, get the crime reads brief, get our “here’s to crime” tote.

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15 Things You Can Do With ChatGPT

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What is chatgpt.

• Quickly Write a Customized Resume and Cover Letter
• Create Original Jokes and Memes
• Explain Complex Topics
• Solve Tricky Math Problems Step-by-Step
• Write Music In Almost Any Genre
• Write, Debug, and Explain Code
• Create, Edit, and Modify Media Files
• Decide What to Watch Next
• Get Cooking Help
• Improve Your Health
• Translate and Learn In Multiple Languages
• Prepare for a Job Interview
• Write Essays on Almost Any Topic
• A Chat Companion

Key Takeaways

• ChatGPT is a versatile tool that can help with tasks like writing customized resumes & cover letters.
• The AI can generate original jokes and memes, as well as explain complex topics in an easy-to-understand manner.
• ChatGPT can assist with mathematics, music composition, coding, media file manipulation, and health improvement.

Artificial intelligence tools have seen a meteoric rise within the last few years. We've been wowed by AI writing tools, AI image generators, and even AI self-portraits. Since its launch in November 2022, ChatGPT has gotten a lot of attention for its numerous uses. To help you leverage this tool, here are 15 ways you can also use ChatGPT.

If you've somehow missed the whole ChatGPT buzz, or you're not exactly sure what it's all about, let's help you get up to speed. ChatGPT is a conversational artificial intelligence chatbot that can answer just about any question you throw at it.

You can think of it as a supercharged Google Search. Rather than just providing links or snippets, ChatGPT generates thoughtful, conversational responses to queries. It synthesizes information from diverse sources into cohesive answers on nearly any topic, similar to how a knowledgeable human would respond.

While not infallible, ChatGPT demonstrates an impressive ability to understand natural language questions and offers nuanced explanations in a lot of fields.

ChatGPT is more than just hype—it has practical uses. Here are some cool day-to-day uses for ChatGPT you can try right now.

1. Quickly Write a Customized Resume and Cover Letter

If you're currently job-hunting, one of the most tiring parts of the job application process is writing a personalized resume and cover letter for every job you apply for. You need custom-made copies for each job to increase your chances of getting hired. ChatGPT can help you create a customized resume or craft professional cover letters in minutes.

We asked ChatGPT to write a resume for a content marketing role at a fictional SaaS company, and it was near perfect.

We also prompted it to prepare a cover letter for the same role, and the first result wasn't bad.

Notice how detail-rich and well-formatted the resume and cover letter are? How did I do it? I pasted my LinkedIn profile details, and then asked ChatGPT to write a resume for the target role "using LaTex." I copied the result, pasted it in a free latex editor like Overleaf , and compiled it.

2. Create Original Jokes and Memes

What's life without a bit of fun? Whether you're looking for a good laugh or to create some hilarious jokes to impress your friends, ChatGPT can come in handy. Sure, AI chatbots aren't exactly known to be great comedians, but ChatGPT shows some potential. We asked ChatGPT to tell us a joke about Apple and foldable smartphones; we'll let you judge the results:

ChatGPT can also create images, so you can also play around with meme ideas. Here's one to try: Ask ChatGPT to create a meme about the grind of 9-to-5 jobs.

3. Explain Complex Topics

Sometimes, simply Googling a topic doesn't give you a clear understanding. Think of topics like wormholes, dark matter, and all those head-spinning theories. Or maybe it's a weird sport you don't understand.

ChatGPT could be useful in explaining them in layperson terms. We prompted ChatGPT to "Explain wormholes like I'm 5," and here's the result:

We also prompted it to explain the internet similarly. It wasn't too bad, either.

4. Solve Tricky Math Problems Step-by-Step

Whether you're looking to tackle complex algebra problems or simple math problems that are too tricky to piece together, ChatGPT is particularly strong at handling math. You'll need to present your problems clearly and concisely for the best results. We prompted ChatGPT to answer a tricky math problem, and here's the result:

5. Write Music In Almost Any Genre

One of the most exciting things you can do with ChatGPT is writing a song. It might sound like a bad idea at first, but it's really a fun thing to try. The results can be amazing when you get the prompts right. The key to getting the best result is to provide as many details as possible about how you want the song to be. Need a mix of English and some Spanish with a touch of Afrobeat style? Just say it.

If you really want to find out how good your lyrics would sound in an actual song, you'll need to head over to a tool like Suno.ai to turn the lyrics into music. Just paste the lyrics into the tool, make some tweaks and listen to what ChatGPT could make.

6. Write, Debug, and Explain Code

Whether you're an experienced programmer or a newbie, you're bound to run into a few bugs in your code from time to time. ChatGPT can help you narrow down the problem within your code, saving you hours looking for a misplaced comma. You can also write entire blocks of functional code snippets from scratch or analyze existing code bases to figure out the best ways to use them. There are endless ways you can use ChatGPT in programming .

We prompted ChatGPT to write a simple to-do list app using HTML, CSS, and JavaScript, and here's the result:

We also got the AI chatbot to write us a simple Tetris game, snake game, pong game, and even code a complete chat web app from scratch . ChatGPT is a very useful programming tool.

7. Create, Edit, and Modify Media Files

With ChatGPT, you can create, edit, modify, and read from a wide range of media files. The feature which is available on the ChatGPT Plus plan provides an interface to programmatically create images, modify videos, adjust audio tracks, and retrieve crucial metadata from media files with ease and precision.

To learn more about manipulating media files with ChatGPT, read our guide on how to use the ChatGPT Code Interpreter feature .

8. Decide What to Watch Next

ChatGPT is one of the most powerful movie recommendation tools on the internet if you know how to use it. While there are dozens of powerful movie recommendation tools you can get your hands on, ChatGPT stands out because of the accuracy and precision you get from simply describing the kind of movies you want using simple natural language prompts.

We asked ChatGPT to give us some movies that are similar to "The Walking Dead" and here's the result:

Not sure how to use ChatGPT as a movie recommendation tool? We've previously put together a detailed guide on how to use ChatGPT to decide what to watch next .

9. Play Games

Looking for a fun activity? ChatGPT has some creative game ideas to try with friends or by yourself. You could play classic games like tic-tac-toe or trivia with new twists that ChatGPT can suggest to make it more engaging. Whether you want a competitive game against ChatGPT or a cooperative game you can all play together, ChatGPT can provide unique game suggestions tailored to what you're looking for.

So if you're bored and want to try something new, ask ChatGPT to invent a fun, customized game—it's a great way to liven up your day! Not sure which games you can play with ChatGPT? Here are some interesting games you can play with ChatGPT right now .

10. Get Cooking Help

A robot help in the kitchen? ChatGPT and cooking seem like a weird combination, but it works excellently if you know the right prompts to use. You can use ChatGPT to explore new recipes, prepare shopping lists, brainstorm new flavor combinations, learn new cooking tips, or explore healthier ways to cook popular meals .

Fancy testing ChatGPT's culinary skills? Here are some interesting ways you can use ChatGPT as a cooking assistant .

11. Improve Your Health

With its vast wealth of health information, you can leverage ChatGPT to improve your health in several ways. It can help you create personalized workout and meal plans tailored to your unique needs.

You can also use it to develop healthy habits like sleep routines and mindfulness practices or even use it as a medical symptom checker. Although ChatGPT has its limitations in the field of health, it is still an immensely useful tool you can utilize to improve your health. We've put together a guide on how to use ChatGPT to improve your health .

12. Translate and Learn In Multiple Languages

ChatGPT is a great tool to have around if you need to work in multiple languages. It is fluent in dozens of languages. If you're a content creator who would love to reach a wider audience, ChatGPT could be incredibly useful for creating content in multiple languages.

Sure, there's Google Translate, but writing in one language and translating to the other means context and language-specific tones could be lost. When we compared ChatGPT to Google Translate in translation tasks, ChatGPT was noticeably better in several metrics.

With ChatGPT's latest voice mode, the tool has become even significantly more powerful for those trying to learn a new language or communicate with someone that speaks a different one.

13. Prepare for a Job Interview

With its wealth of knowledge across several fields, ChatGPT is one of the best AI tools to help you prepare for a job interview. With a few intelligent prompts, ChatGPT can help you get your dream job . You can use it to generate hypothetical scenarios in a job interview, possible questions, intelligent replies to possible questions, and many other useful interview prep tips.

We created a hypothetical situation during an interview and asked ChatGPT for help. Here's the result:

14. Write Essays on Almost Any Topic

While we strongly advise you to write your essays yourself, ChatGPT can compose amazing essays on a wide range of topics, even the most complex. If the tone of the resulting write-up doesn't suit your test, you can teach ChatGPT how to write like you so you can get the chatbot to replicate your writing style.

15. A Chat Companion

When all is said and done, ChatGPT is an AI chatbot. Despite its almost endless use cases, ChatGPT is a very accommodating companion when you need someone (or a robot) to talk to.

Despite ChatGPT's impressive capabilities, the AI chatbot is not infallible. Consequently, exercising caution with ChatGPT's information is highly advised. Always strive to verify any critical data from ChatGPT before applying it, especially for important health or financial choices. While ChatGPT is a game-changing tool, it is still a work in progress, and human oversight remains essential.

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Back to School: Using AI to Create Writing Assignments Students Actually Want to Do

You may even have fun grading them.

Getting students excited about the work you have to grade later can be one of the more frustrating things about teaching , but when an assignment hits the right chord, it has the potential to inspire and impact not just the classroom, but the whole school and beyond.

Reconciling the curriculum and assignments with standards and learning objectives sometimes established out of a teacher's control can really sap the creative side of your brain. 

Here's how artificial intelligence can help broaden your horizons when trying to create assignments that make a lasting impression and keep your classroom excited about learning. (And for more AI tips for the back-to-school season, check out CNET's guides on  how to use AI to keep up with important dates and  how to use Microsoft Copilot to create notes on pretty much anything.)

Since there will need to be a fair bit of refinement to create an assignment that is both fun to complete for students and fun to review and grade for educators, I've used ChatGPT , the AI chatbot that uses machine learning and large language models to generate conversational style answers to search queries, so that I could go back and forth brainstorming ideas.

Maintaining teacher and student sanity

My area of study is media and communications, so for this example I'm putting together an assignment on media literacy , or the ability to think and interact critically with everything from TikTok content to front-page news. 

The goal is to create an assignment that's fun, collaborative and impactful for college students who interact heavily with digital media but might not be questioning what they're consuming.

The secondary goal was to create an assignment I won't hate myself for creating when it comes time to grade it.

On my first attempt, ChatGPT gave me a fully built-out assignment according to specific learning objectives around media literacy for college-level students, but it was about as fun as you'd think writing a 500-word essay on media literacy might be -- not fun at all.

Refine for fun, collaboration and focus

Since this assignment is in part about getting students to actually interact with media online in a way that's more impactful than just lurking or liking from the digital shadows, I refined the prompt to include using the student body in the assignment somehow and requested less emphasis on written analysis that will ultimately only be seen and evaluated by the teacher.

Here's what it came back with:

I was actually impressed -- not only did ChatGPT have students interacting with and analyzing media, but it also created a multi-layered assignment that gave students the opportunity to see firsthand the impact media literacy can make on a community as well as an individual.

This assignment would also be a darn sight more enjoyable to grade than 30 to 50 500-word analytical essays about whether the source of a Brat summer post on TikTok can be trusted.

Finally, ChatGPT offered submission requirements (like linking to the social media content used in completing the assignment and screenshots of the online interactions) and grading criteria for the assignment and even some examples of how the assignment might be executed.

Its example in particular about analyzing the role of political memes was timely and felt like a fresh take on an evolving reality of campaign media.

I personally would love to see videos from students collaborating on a discussion with their peers about their perception of Kamala HQ 's content and the presence of former President Donald Trump across social media. 

And who knows -- maybe the students might actually enjoy it too.

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• Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

The Court Case That Could Sink RFK Jr.’s Campaign

If a challenge to his residency in new york state succeeds, it could lead to other big problems for kennedy..

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Lev Radin/AP

This week in an Albany , New York courtroom, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is fighting a legal challenge that has the potential to sink much of his independent presidential campaign. The dispute is over where he calls home.

In a lawsuit that was engineered by Clear Choice PAC, a super PAC formed earlier this year by political allies of President Joseph Biden to combat independent candidates or third-party efforts that could threaten the Democratic ticket, several New York State voters challenged Kennedy’s position on the state’s presidential ballot, contending that he falsely stated his residence on the nominating petitions he filed to obtain ballot access. They argue that this renders his petitions invalid and that he ought to be tossed from the ballot. (The original complaint also challenged signatures on Kennedy’s petitions, but that matter has been put to the side.)

Being kicked off the Empire State’s ballot would be embarrassing for Kennedy but not likely to affect the overall presidential race. Vice President Kamala Harris is expected to win the heavily Democratic state. But strategists for Clear Choice PAC say they have identified about 18 states where Kennedy is on the ballot and could be vulnerable to similar challenges if he loses the New York case. This collection of states includes most of the swing states, where Kennedy could impact the ultimate outcome by drawing votes from Harris or GOP nominee Donald Trump. (In some states, if Kennedy loses this case, he would likely be allowed to correct his filings.)

The key issue is simple and involves a private room in a one-family house in bucolic Katonah, New York.

The house is owned by the wife of an old friend of Kennedy. RFK Jr. claims this room is his official residence and has listed it on his ballot petitions in New York and in ballot filings in other states. The petitioners contend that this is a ruse and that he has been living in California for years with his wife Cheryl Hines, the actor best known for co-starring with Larry David in HBO’s Curb Your Enthusiasm .

Each side has submitted court filings arguing its case. In an affidavit , Kennedy insists that “at the very marrow of my being” he is a New Yorker. He notes that he is registered to vote at this Katonah address, that his car is registered there, and that he pays New York State income taxes. He adds that he maintains falconry, fishing, and hunting licenses at this address. “My life, my passions, the years I spent raising my family, my career and my political contacts, and my orientation have been and are ever in my home state of New York,” says Kennedy, who for years was an environmental lawyer who worked in the state (before becoming an antivax crusader and conspiracy theory promoter ).

Kennedy acknowledges that since his 2014 marriage to Hines, he has lived with her in a series of homes in California, including houses in Malibu and a tony canyon in Brentwood. His affidavit includes a hard-to-believe claim: “My agreement with my wife, Cheryl Hines, to temporarily join her in the state of California, was that we would both return to the state of New York upon her retirement. We will return to my current residence at 84 Croton Lake Road, Katonah, New York.” The pair really will leave their luxurious $7 million Los Angeles home to reside in what Kennedy calls a “private room” in his friend’s house?

The petitioners maintain that Kennedy is pulling a fast one and that he essentially moved to California when he went LA with Hines. “Kennedy acknowledged his true residence in California when he purchased property,” their initial complaint says. It points to a letter he wrote when he resigned as an officer of Riverkeeper, an environmental group based in New York, and wrote the group, “As you know, I now live on the west coast and the weekly commute has been hard on my family to say nothing of my carbon footprint.”

The petitioners list instances when Kennedy in media interviews referred to California as his “home.” And they note that when he filed his candidacy statement with the Federal Elections Commission, he used his California address. Moreover, they point out that the Katonah home is in foreclosure, and they cite a New York Post article that reported that neighbors were unaware of Kennedy’s residence in this house and had never seen him.

There’s another wrinkle: Under the Constitution, if a presidential and vice presidential candidate are from the same state, they cannot claim that state’s Electoral College votes. It seems unlikely that Kennedy can win in California, Harris’ home state. But given that his running mate, Silicon Valley millionaire (or billionaire) Nicole Shanahan, is a Californian, RFK Jr. could encounter a problem should he surge to an improbable victory in the Golden State.

The legal filings of each side are filled with technical arguments regarding residency, and it’s tough to predict the outcome. Whichever side loses the case will likely appeal. The court proceedings are expected to end this week, and there’s already a date scheduled for an appeals court trial. With ballots soon to be printed in New York and other states, there is not much time to resolve the matter. And if Clear Choice PAC obtains the ruling it seeks, it will have to move quickly to mount challenges in other states.

On Monday, the Kennedy campaign released this statement about the case:

Independent Presidential Candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. will testify this week at the Albany County Supreme Court where campaign attorneys expect to prove that 1) Kennedy has had a residence in New York for decades; 2) that any attempt by New York to restrict candidates beyond the U.S. Constitutional standard of residence being the state to which you intend to return would be unconstitutional; and 3) that the nominating petition cannot be struck because Kennedy, relying on advice of counsel, in good faith listed his New York residence on his nominating petitions.

The Kennedy campaign said it is officially on the ballot in 13 states (including Michigan, Minnesota, and North Carolina), has submitted signatures in 19 states, and has collected enough signatures for ballot access in 10 other states.

The Clear Choice PAC was organized when polls suggested that RFK Jr. might draw more votes from Biden than Trump—though the picture was far from clear. More recent surveys have indicated that he now might be more a magnet for Trump-leaners than possible Harris voters. Yet Clear Choice is still rigorously pursuing the New York challenge and preparing to move forward in other states if it wins in Albany.

One strategist familiar with the PAC’s efforts notes that it may not be until late September that Kennedy’s impact on the race can be accurately estimated. But, this person adds, if the Democrats’ strategy is to consolidate the anti-Trump electorate to prevent the former president’s return to the White House, their best bet is a binary choice between Harris and Trump, with Kennedy and other independent or third-party candidates pushed to the side and considered non-factors.

One longtime Kennedy associate says that Kennedy, whose father was a senator representing New York, has never wanted to give up his ties to the state, perhaps because he might run for office there. It would be quite the turn of events if that desire caused his removal from the ballot in New York and, worse for his campaign, in other states.

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Here Are the Olympic Moments We Won’t Forget

It doesn’t take a medal to make a lasting memory.

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By The New York Times

Success and failure. Exhilaration and agony. Gold, silver and bronze.

The Olympics will always turn on who won and who lost, how high and how fast and how far. But they linger in our minds long after they end for moments that might have little to do with the actual competitions.

Jordan Chiles and Simone Biles came up with the plan. They had both wanted to be on the top step of the medal stand after the final event of the women’s gymnastics competition, the floor exercise. But Biles, the favorite, had made a few mistakes, and Chiles had made a few more, so they instead became bookends to the true headliner: Rebeca Andrade of Brazil. And so a plan was hatched.

After Chiles accepted her bronze medal ( temporarily, it turned out ) and Biles her silver, Andrade was introduced as the Olympic champion. As she approached the podium — completing the first all-Black podium in Olympic gymnastics history — Biles and Chiles turned to Andrade, dropped to one knee and bowed. Afterward, they called her a queen. — JULIET MACUR

More Cowbell

After Bobby Finke won the 1,500-meter freestyle in world-record time — preserving American men’s 120-year streak of winning at least one individual swimming gold at the Olympic Games — the NBC cameras panned to a particularly excited fan. She screamed. She pumped her fists. She clanged her cowbell.

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