child has tantrums over homework

How to Best Respond to Your Kids' Tantrums and Meltdowns

Essential tips for helping children learn ways to regulate their emotions..

Posted September 5, 2023 | Reviewed by Michelle Quirk

• A Parent's Role
• Take our Authoritative Parenting Test
• Find a family therapist near me
• Tantrums are developmentally appropriate for young children.
• A meltdown is an opportunity to help your child name their emotions, which will help them regulate.
• If we self-regulate, we can better assist our children and meet their needs.

Many of us expect our children to be miniature adults. We don't remember what it is like to be a child whose emotions can quickly sweep them away, and we interpret their behaviors from an adult mindset. Therefore, when our child has a full-blown meltdown over their sandwich being sliced the wrong way, it is difficult for us adults to be empathetic . We say, "Eat your sandwich; other kids have nothing to eat." Or "It ends up in your belly anyway; just eat it." We try to rationalize with a little human having an intense emotional experience, which usually does not help the situation.

A child is not a miniature adult because a child's brain is not fully developed; in fact, a brain is finished growing and maturing in your mid-to-late 20s! The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for making good decisions, helping to regulate emotions, planning, thinking clearly, and prioritizing, is the last part of the brain to mature. This is important to remember because your child is not a mini adult operating with a fully developed brain. Your child is functioning with the brain of a child who hasn't fully matured yet to think and regulate like an adult.

We have no issue understanding that it is developmentally appropriate and customary for a 6-month-old not to walk. However, we need more patience and fewer expectations regarding emotional regulation skills. I get it; I have two young kids and have dealt with my share of meltdowns. We want so badly to get them to stop their tantrums that we often respond in not-so-helpful ways. We also have an issue with the "bad" behaviors accompanying a temper and can conclude that punishment is the best option. Here, I will describe the best ways to manage your child's tantrums and meltdowns.

Tantrums Are Developmentally Appropriate

First, it is good to remember that your child's brain is not fully developed and cannot just "calm down." If you have seen a child stop having a tantrum after being punished harshly, they most likely shut down instead of learning how to regulate themselves properly. Another thing to remember is that your child isn't a bad kid or spoiled because they have tantrums or meltdowns. Having tantrums, outbursts, breakdowns, and tempers is developmentally appropriate. They do not have the executive functioning to handle life similarly to adults; this skill is learned as the brain develops over time as they mature and are taught how to regulate appropriately. The part of the brain growing in young children is the limbic system, the brain's emotional center. Young children experience the world and react to everyday situations through this emotional lens. However, if you notice your child's tantrums getting worse or not being consistent with other children their age, it could be time to speak with a professional about it.

Tantrums Communicate That Your Child Is Emotionally Overwhelmed

Every behavior is communication, especially a tantrum. Children are communicating amid their meltdown. They are feeling flooded by emotions and need assistance from a calm adult. When a tantrum happens, consider what skill you are trying to teach your child during that crucial moment. You most likely don't want to show that yelling is valuable communication or that not validating someone's experience is helpful. I am sure you want to help teach your child how to regulate emotions and communicate. The adults around them and their parents are their models of handling stress, so they look to us for what to do when they can't control themselves. And it is vital to ask yourself, "What do I want to teach my child to do when stressed ?"

Manage Your Emotional Reactivity

Maybe you weren't taught how to properly self-regulate as a child, and now you have difficulty managing your emotions when your child is upset. Managing through a tantrum is difficult, especially if you are already stressed with work, household duties, and life. And tantrums never seem to come at a good time; they usually occur when everyone in the house feels overwhelmed and stressed. So, instead of focusing on your child and calming them down, work on managing the reactivity and emotions that the tantrum creates for you.

Create the calm within yourself, and regulate. This means developing the skills to remain calm, like taking deep breaths and reminding yourself this is developmentally appropriate and not simply bad behavior. For example, they might be tired, hungry, sick, adjusting to a transition, or upset about something that happened earlier. Your ability to stay calm physiologically creates calmness in the child, which we call co-regulation. If you have trouble regulating yourself, search online for techniques and tips or seek help from a professional. If we can't calm ourselves down, we cannot expect that our kids will know how to self-regulate.

Validate Your Child's Feelings

During a meltdown, it is an opportunity to help your child identify and name their emotions, which will help them regulate. Stating, "I know you are upset because I cut your sandwich the wrong way," or "I know you are disappointed because you can't get a toy today," helps them identify and label their emotions and lets them know you understand their emotional state. We don't have to agree that they should be upset that the sandwich wasn't cut the way they wanted, and it doesn't mean we give in because they are disappointed. Actually, we shouldn't give in once we say no to something because that can reinforce future tantrums. We are simply stating the facts of their experience and being by their side while they learn how to manage the complex emotions that come up for them.

Remain Connected

Practicing all the tips listed above are examples of staying in a relationship with your child, even during hard times. Letting your child know that you love them even when they are emotional removes the shame around difficult emotions. They can then co-regulate with you and learn what to do when overwhelmed. Some kids might want you to hold them, others want to be alone, and others might kick and scream. Let them know you are there for them when they are ready without judgment. Also, make sure they are safe and out of harm's way.

If we self-regulate, we can better assist our children and meet their needs. If we remain connected to our child without losing our cool, it allows for a teaching moment in challenging times. We remind them they are human, and emotions are part of being alive; we can allow emotions to be messengers without letting them run the show. Once you and your child are emotionally regulated, it is time to discuss what happened and the consequences if they fit the situation. You can talk about what they can do next time they feel upset and angry, like deep breathing and other self-soothing techniques. You can also ask them if they have suggestions for what they can do the next time they feel overwhelmed by emotions.

Ilene S. Cohen, Ph.D. , is a psychotherapist and blogger, who teaches in the Department of Counseling at Barry University.

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How To Deal With Your Child’s Tantrums (And One Thing Not To Do)

Your toddler is kicking and screaming in the middle of a grocery store. Everything you are saying and doing is not working. You feel embarrassed as other shoppers walk by you.

Does this scenario sound familiar? The next time your child has a tantrum, understand how tantrums, and calm them down. It can help you find a new strategy that works for you and your family.

Why Do Tantrums Happen?

Tantrums are common in early childhood developmental stages. However, there can be other reasons for a child’s tantrum such as after experiencing trauma, exposure to violence, neglect, or other underlying developmental or mental health issues (such as autism, ADHD, social anxiety, or a learning disorder). If your child starts a tantrum that seems unusual for their age group, it could be a sign of distress. They may deal with discomfort from transitioning from one activity to another one.

Many children have regular meltdowns in common situations: homework, bedtime, and playtime. Typically, the cause is told to do anything aversive to them or avoid doing anything that’s enjoyable for them. They rarely like to do something they don’t want to do or something that’s not fun. Meltdowns over something unstimulating and requiring control can trigger particularly for children who have ADHD, such as a lengthy car trip or visiting an elderly parent.

How Can You Avoid Tantrums?

Here are some ideas to prevent tantrums whenever you can:

Give lots of positive attention.  Compliment your child whenever they do something good. Encourage your child with praise.

Let your toddler decide over some small habits.  Give small options such as “Do you want carrots or apples?”, or “Do you want to put away your toys before or after taking a bath?”. This way, you’re not asking, “Do you want to put away your toys?” — which your toddler will respond with an emphatic “no”

Keep things out of sight and reach.  It makes the daily struggles less likely to happen. This is not always possible, particularly outside the home where it is difficult to regulate your environment.

Divert your child’s attention . Go to another room or go outside. Begin a new activity replacing the irritating activity that your child does not like anymore.

Help children to learn new skills and to be successful.  Commend them to make them feel proud of what they can do. Start with something simple and then move on to more demanding tasks.

When your child wants something, contemplate the question.  Is it indignant? It does not. Choose your struggles.

Know your toddler’s limits.  If you know your toddler gets sleepy in the mid-afternoon, it’s not the best time to go shopping at the local shopping center or try getting in one more errand.

What Else to Do During a Tantrum

Validate your toddler’s emotions.

To validate someone’s feelings is to embrace them. You may not agree or disagree with their emotions, but you show that you listen to them. For example, you can point out, “How come you are so unhappy? You know you cannot have dessert for breakfast,” You can also acknowledge their feelings by saying, “you’re angry with me because I won’t give you ice cream for breakfast”.

Your child will likely not be pleased. But validating how they feel can prevent tantrums and ease any emotionality. You can help them talk through their feelings and regulate or calm their emotions.

Ignore Any Harmless Tantrums

The aim is to disregard the behavior, to withhold all parental concern for meaningless tantrums. Also, harsh reinforcement like reproaching or attempting to convince your child to stop was shown to improve the action in a constructive way. By praising your toddler’s obedience, you teach skills and decrease your toddler’s tantrums.

One thing to not do is attempt to negotiate.  Your child does not have the attention span to pay attention to what you are saying to them. You want to encourage a child to negotiate when he does not blow up and you are not either. You may need to teach techniques to work through problems, break them down step by step for children who are immature, or who have deficits in thinking and communication of this type. You may need to teach them how to work through problems for immature children or children who lack this kind of thinking and communication skills by going step by step through their problems.

What Should You Do After a Tantrum?

When parents get upset, they should take time off. Wherever the tantrums take place, validate your feelings too. It is natural to feel annoyed, or ashamed. You cannot problem solve when you’re upset. Slow breathing and self-assurance techniques can help parents to calm down.

Children may become hyper, disagreeable, and show extreme behaviors with too little sleep. Having enough sleep will lessen the tantrums significantly. The need for sleep falls within a set number of hours, depending on your child’s age. Discover how much sleep your child needs.

When Should I Get Help for My Child?

If you get angry at or give into your child’s tantrums, or if your child exhibits aggressive behaviors in their tantrums, then it may be time to seek professional counseling.

Often hearing or vision problems, chronic illnesses, language delays, or learning disabilities can make children have tantrums, which could be a cause to seek a specialist such as a speech pathologist.

Keep in mind that tantrums are normally not a cause for alarm, and they typically end on their own. As children grow older, they will get over tantrums. They learn to communicate and to deal with disappointment. When they have better control, there will be less tantrums and calmer parents.

For more information or to schedule appointment online please visit our  Child Counseling page  or call at  919-647-4600 .

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Taming tantrums vs. managing meltdowns

By Amanda Morin

Expert reviewed by Vanessa M. Pastore, MA, OTR/L

At a glance

Tantrums and meltdowns can look similar but aren’t the same thing.

They need to be responded to differently.

Knowing why your child has tantrums or meltdowns can help you avoid them.

We’ve all seen kids upset and crying in a store or at the playground. Most families sympathize because they’ve been there with their own kids.

Many people assume what they’re seeing is a child throwing a tantrum, and that could be. But it might be a meltdown . And if you’ve ever experienced your child having a meltdown, you know that the two have to be dealt with differently.

Here are some strategies for taming tantrums and managing meltdowns.

Ways to tame a tantrum

It’s not unusual for young kids to have tantrums when they’re upset, angry, or frustrated, or when something doesn’t go their way. Tantrums are common , but being on the receiving end when kids lash out can be frustrating and hard to handle.

The good news is that tantrums are usually something kids have at least some control over. Many kids can change how they’re behaving based on how people around them are reacting. There are also ways to keep tantrums from happening in the first place.

Try these tips to stop tantrums in their tracks.

1. Agree on a frustration signal.

Talk with your child about what “getting frustrated” looks like from your point of view. Ask if there’s anything your child wants you to look for, too. Then come up with a signal to use when your child is getting frustrated, like pulling on your earlobe. Talk about what you'll both do to calm the situation when you use the signal.

2. Assign a calm space.

Find a place in your home that can be a designated calm space. It doesn’t have to be fancy. For example, it could simply be a chair your child likes to sit in. Explain this is a space for calming down, not a punishment space. Your child can go there to take a break when you use the frustration signal. (At first, you may need to remind your child there’s a place to go to calm down and regroup.)

3. Think about what’s causing the tantrum.

Using a signal or going to a calm space might not always do the trick. If you can't head off a tantrum, try to figure out what’s causing it . Knowing the source makes it easier to defuse in the moment. It also helps you both find better ways to avoid the situation next time.

4. Set clear expectations.

Be clear about how you expect your child to behave. Use when-then sentences like, “When you speak to me in a calmer voice, then we can talk this through.” This gives your child a choice about whether to follow through or not. ( Download a when-then printable chart to fill in and use with your child.)

5. Acknowledge your child’s feelings.

Your child might be acting out, but that doesn’t mean your child’s feelings aren’t real. Try to be empathetic and help your child put names to those feelings. For example: “I know you’re angry with me because I asked you to turn off the video game. I get mad, too, when I have to stop doing something fun.”

6. Ignore it.

Sometimes the best reaction is no reaction. Maybe your child’s tantrum is fueled by the attention you give when you try to tame it. In those cases, it can be better to give some space and not respond at all.

7. Praise the behavior you want to see.

When your child gains control and calms down, let your child know it with praise . Give specifics about what your child did well. For example, “I know you were really angry and it was hard for you to stop yelling. You did a nice job taking some time to cool down. Now we can talk about this calmly.”

Ways to manage a meltdown

Meltdowns are a full-body reaction to being overwhelmed. They’re more extreme than tantrums, and kids aren’t in control of them.

Managing meltdowns is more complicated than taming tantrums. Knowing the triggers can help you avoid a total explosion. But even if you can’t stop a meltdown, there are ways you can respond to help your child regain control.

Before the meltdown

1. get to know your child’s triggers..

They’re not the same for every child, and your child may not be reacting to something obvious. For some kids, it might be emotional or sensory overload . For others, it might be unexpected changes, or pain and fear. Knowing your child’s triggers can make it easier to avoid meltdowns.

You may notice that your child gets anxious before school or falls apart at the end of the day . Or maybe meltdowns happen close to mealtimes or bedtime. In that case, hunger or fatigue may be triggers. Or you may notice that there are certain places where they happen, like noisy or crowded places.

2. Notice when it’s escalating.

If you catch the signs early enough, you might be able to help your child calm down before a full-blown meltdown occurs. Common warning signs are:

Trouble thinking clearly, making decisions, or responding to questions

Repeating thoughts or questions over and over

Refusing to follow directions or cooperate

Trying to shut out noises, sights, and other sensory things, or trying to run away or hide

Moving restlessly, like fidgeting or pacing

Complaining of physical issues like dizziness or heart pounding

3. Try to distract from the trigger.

For some kids, the escalation phase can be interrupted. It might help to distract your child with a different task or activity.

4. Be patient.

Your instinct may be to try to stop an escalation quickly. But talking fast and loud often makes it worse. Give your child more space and more time to process what you’re saying. Use short, concrete sentences that take away your child’s need to make decisions.

During the meltdown

1. do a safety assessment..

When your child is screaming and throwing things, it may feel like an emergency. But that doesn’t mean it is. The question to consider: Is anyone hurt or going to get hurt?

2. Be reassuring.

It takes trial and error to know if your child wants physical distance or a firm hug or touch. But keeping your voice and body language calm is helpful in either case. Make sure your child knows you’re there and that you understand that this may feel scary and out of control.

3. Give some space.

If you’re out in public, try to help your child move to a quieter place. If you’re at home, see if you can get your child to go to a spot that’s calm. If it’s not possible to move your child, ask other people to give you both some space.

4. Tone it down.

Turn down lights, keep things quiet, and try not to crowd your child. If you’re at home and your child isn’t able or willing to move, try standing off to the side. (Standing in the doorway can make kids feel blocked in.)

5. Consider your post-meltdown plan.

Start thinking about how to reengage with your child when the meltdown is over, rather than do something that starts it up again. You may need to abandon your shopping trip. If the meltdown was triggered by an emotional conversation, you may need to back away from that topic. You can find a new way to approach it the next time you talk about it.

After the meltdown

1. take time to recover..

When calming down, your child might feel embarrassed or guilty. You’ll probably see physical exhaustion, too. Give your child some time to get collected.

2. Find the right time to talk.

You can help your child make sense of what happened. Right after a meltdown may not be the best time, though. When you’re both calm, here are some ways to approach it:

Give your child a heads-up. Give advance notice that you’re going to talk and be reassuring that your child’s not in trouble.

Be brief. Talking about a meltdown can make kids feel bad and defensive. Say what you need to say, but try to avoid saying the same thing over and over.

Make sure your child understands. Ask your child to tell you what you talked about and answer any questions. If you’ve decided on an action plan, see if your child can repeat it for you.

Managing meltdowns and taming tantrums takes practice. Learning to recognize the signs and teaching your child coping skills can help you both find better ways to respond in the future.

Key takeaways

Assigning a “calm space” can help with both tantrums and meltdowns.

Ignoring a tantrum can sometimes stop it.

Learning your child’s triggers can help keep a meltdown from escalating.

Explore related topics

Home / Expert Articles / Child Behavior Problems / Outbursts & Temper Tantrums

Managing Your Child’s Meltdowns and Tantrums

By james lehman, msw.

The parents I’ve worked with often have ineffective ways of responding to and managing their child’s meltdowns. They either go to one extreme and yell, threaten, restrain, or even spank the child, or they go to the other extreme and give in.

In both cases, the parent may stop the meltdown, but they haven’t taught their child to behave more appropriately. And the next time their child is uncomfortable, he or she will simply throw another tantrum.

In my experience, parents are very resistant to the idea of their kids being unhappy or uncomfortable. They learn what their child has taught them: if you make me uncomfortable, I’m going to make you uncomfortable. When a child throws a tantrum at the mall and kicks and screams on the floor, he’s saying, “You have more to lose than I do.”

And he’s right. You do have more to lose: you’re embarrassed, and you can’t accomplish your goal of shopping in the mall. People are looking at you. You feel like a bad parent, and you think everyone around you considers you a bad parent.

In this situation, the kid has nothing to lose and everything to gain, and he doesn’t care what people think. He just wants to control you and get an ice cream cone. And when he gets his ice cream, the parent has inadvertently taught him that meltdowns work. And as long as something works, it’s human nature not to change it.

Why Do Kids Have Meltdowns?

Kids have meltdowns and temper tantrums for two reasons. The first reason is that they do not have enough tools to manage their feelings in a new situation or event. The second reason is that meltdowns have worked—they’ve seen that when they have a tantrum, they get what they want.

If a child is confronted with a situation that he hasn’t learned how to manage yet, his response is fight or flight. It’s a survival response. And very often, flight is not an option because they can’t get out of the situation. They’re stuck, whether at the mall, in the car, or at grandma’s house. And since they can’t flee the situation, they fight, and the way that they fight is by acting out or having a meltdown.

If the parents don’t respond effectively, the child learns that having a meltdown or a temper tantrum will help him accomplish a goal. When a child gets stressed and acts out, and the parent gives in, that’s as far as the child needs to go. He doesn’t have to learn how to be patient, manage his anxiety, and deal with stress. He just has to act out so that his parent takes care of all that.

It’s not that these kids are bad. Rather, they’ve figured out that tantrums and meltdowns work for them. They’ve learned a problem-solving skill that says, “If I’m disruptive to other people, then it solves my problem.”

They don’t have to deal with the stress because everyone else is busy running around trying to calm him down, and they eventually give in to him.

I think that if meltdowns work for a child, you’ll see them continue. But as the child gets older, meltdowns will evolve into abusive or intimidating behavior. It’s a tantrum at age 5, but at age 15, it’s breaking things around the house, threatening physical violence, and using abusive language.

Tantrums are Inevitable

Unfortunately, we cannot stop the meltdowns. No matter what, children are going to get overwhelmed, frustrated, and angry, and they are going to have temper tantrums. These behaviors are part of childhood development. Indeed, they are the crude tools children use to deal with painful and confusing feelings.

But, depending on how we respond, we can manage the frequency and intensity of these behaviors, and we can give our kids more effective tools to use instead—tools that will allow him to manage overwhelming feelings on his own.

Although tantrums are to be expected, they’re not to be rewarded. Why? Because when you don’t reward the tantrum, you create a situation where the child must learn other ways to manage those overwhelming feelings. This is how you ensure that your child grows and matures.

Kids Learn From What Parents Do, Not What They Say

Parents often know the right thing to say, but don’t know the right thing to do. For example, a kid may throw a tantrum when he wants an ice cream cone, and the parent gets it for him. The parent then gives the kid a speech about his misbehavior and thinks, “Good, I taught him a lesson. He understands now.”

But the kid thinks, “Good, I got the ice cream cone. I got my way.”

After multiple episodes of acting out, the parents are left scratching their heads, thinking, “I explained this to him a thousand times. I don’t know why he doesn’t understand.”

Here’s the problem: your child understood that he threw a tantrum and got an ice cream cone. Sure, he may hear your words, but he listens to your actions. And your actions say loud and clear that if you throw a tantrum, you get an ice cream cone. It’s a payoff for the child, and as long as he gets paid off, he will keep acting out.

Don’t Give In When Your Child Has a Tantrum

With younger children, parents should not give in. If your child has outbursts in the car while you’re driving, talk to him before the next outing. Tell him:

“Sometimes, when we’re in the car, you get upset and start screaming. When you do this, it’s not safe for us. The next time that happens, I’m going to pull over to the side of the road, and I’m going to give you five minutes to get yourself under control. If you don’t calm down, I’m going to turn around, and we’ll go home.”

The store is another place where meltdowns are common. I tell parents that when a meltdown happens in a store, leave the store. Make sure your child knows before you go in that if he has a meltdown, then you will leave. You can say to him:

“Sometimes, when you don’t get your way, you get upset, and you yell and roll on the floor. If you do that, we’re leaving the store.”

As a kid gets older, you can tell him:

“I’m leaving the store, and if you resist or fight me, I’ll be in the car. You can find me. You know where the car is.”

Obviously, you wouldn’t leave a four-year-old in a store, but with an older child who can take care of himself, this can be effective.

If they try to play the game of “you can’t make me” say:

“You’re right. I can’t make you. I’m going out to the car, and I’ll call the security guard, and maybe they can help you out.”

You’re putting the pressure back on the child to behave appropriately. Is that risky? Of course it is. There’s always a risk. But it’s also risky to give in over and over again. Understand that I’m not advising every parent to do this. Rather, I’m saying it’s an option and something to consider if appropriate.

How To Prevent Future Tantrums

You shouldn’t give in to the meltdown, but you also have to understand what triggers it. If you know your child’s triggers, you can teach your child how to stay in control.

The most effective time to identify what triggers your child is right when the child starts to lose it. When this happens, intervene and say to your child:

“This is what seems to upset you. Let’s look at what you do when you’re upset.”

At this point, make it clear to your child that acting out and having a tantrum is not going to help him get his way. Tell him that rolling on the floor or screaming at the top of his lungs won’t solve his problem. And assure him that you won’t give in when he acts out.

Say to him:

“What are you going to do differently the next time this happens?”

Then talk with your child about what to do instead of acting out. But make no mistake, if you give in to your child, then this conversation won’t work, and your child’s behavior will not change.

Parents need to understand that a tantrum is a power struggle your kid is trying to have with you. It’s a strategy to try to get his way with the least amount of discomfort to him. Sometimes, that means blowing up and bringing discomfort to you, the parent.

Too often, we forget that the parent is the authority, that the parent has the power, and their child is trying to wrestle some of that power from them.

As a parent, you hold the cards. You just have to play those cards well. Part of the hand you’re dealt is your own parenting skills, your background, and your natural ability. But you should also try to use your child’s natural skills and abilities, understand their deficits, and use your authority to help your child learn to manage situations without acting out and misbehaving.

Parents have the power and can do this—I see it all the time. And, when they do, the payoff to their family life and their children is immeasurable.

Related Content: Acting Out in Public: Is Your Child’s Behavior Holding You Hostage? How to Handle Temper Tantrums: Coaching Kids to Calm Down

Empowering Parents Podcast: Apple, Spotify

About James Lehman, MSW

James Lehman, who dedicated his life to behaviorally troubled youth, created The Total Transformation® , The Complete Guide to Consequences™ , Getting Through To Your Child™ , and Two Parents One Plan™ , from a place of professional and personal experience. Having had severe behavioral problems himself as a child, he was inspired to focus on behavioral management professionally. Together with his wife, Janet Lehman, he developed an approach to managing children and teens that challenges them to solve their own problems without hiding behind disrespectful, obnoxious or abusive behavior. Empowering Parents now brings this insightful and impactful program directly to homes around the globe.

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Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can hear how frustrating your daughter's behaviors are. Tantrums are pretty normal for kids this age because they tend to have a low tolerance for frustration and also lack effective coping skills for managing their frustration. We have several articles that offer useful tips for managing tantrums - both in the moment when it's happening and also after things have calmed down. You can find those articles here: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/child-behavior-problems/outbursts-temper-tantrums/

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community and wish you all the best moving forward. Take care.

I can only imagine how frustrating this must be. We have several articles on blended families you may find helpful:https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/non-traditional-families/blended-step-families/

We appreciate you reaching out. Take care.

Thank you for reaching out to Empowering Parents. I can understand your distress. The suggestions we give aren't going to work for all kids or in all situations. It may be helpful to see what types of local supports are available in your area that may be able to work with you and your son directly.

We appreciate you being part of our Empowering Parents community. Be sure to check back and let us know how things are going.

oma3 My grandson will be 7 in April. He had night terrors as a baby. Up until recently, he's had your typical tantrums that were extreme but relatively short. Lately, they have escalated to mach 10 for no apparent reason. for example, his younger sister had a toy...he started freaking out...she More tried to give it back to him & he freaked out more. He literally shakes with anger. He throws things, scratches himself, flings himself on the floor or off the bed. He starts screaming "everyone makes me SO angry!!!!" he says Leave me alone, but yells & is known to hit or flail around. his little sister is no angel, but they'll be playing & he'll get mad & hit her..says Well she did it to me first! He has this look on his face of anger & frustration and then once we can get him to calm down he acts as if nothing happened. it's never happened in public & just MINOR issues in kindergarten..there the teacher just sends the child to a separate area where they can be alone & there's toys & some sensory things they can play with. Does he need to see a therapist? His dad has decided in the last few months that he is transgender, so dresses like a girl & has asked the kids to call him by his female name. Can't even imagine what that is doing to his reality.

Cathy Sutton I have been raising my grandson who is 12 years old now, since he was a baby. Nowadays, he is solely bent on having his way by tantrums outbursts and rudeness as a 12 year old, since i sent him to live with his dad when he was 6 More years old, which is my oldest son. He doesn't want me to date or have relationships and tells me his dad is mean and he wants to comeback and live with me. Not! I'm over 50 now and i want a life too.

Rachel It isn't damaging at all if you handle it the right way... I'm no expert and there's no perfect way to parent because all situations and children are different. But I have a little girl who is about to turn 3 and has some HORRIBLE tantrums. As most 3 More year olds do. I explain to her that it's okay to be angry and it's okay to cry, but she needs to sit somewhere by herself (in time out) until she feels more calm and then when she's ready we can talk about what's upsetting her. The more I pay attention to her screaming the more worked up she gets, but if I ignore her behavior it will stop in a few minutes usually and she'll come talk to me calmly. As adults we even need to take a minute alone to calm down sometimes, right?

My 9 year old is having outbursts when he dose not get his way, he's ADHD and has anxiety as well. He's a great kid but he could be mean and nasty to people as well he has be rude to his friend and family. He's a wonderful kid in school they say doing great. At home when he dose not get what he wants or can't do what he wants the fits come out. When he has to study for a test or turn off the TV or give up the IPAD I only give it to him on the weekend. He also has a nasty attitude sometimes he can be real mean he has a counselor and neurologist they are working with him but his temper tantrum's seem to get worse at times. I do not give into him I try talking to him when he's claim or before we do or he gets his stuff. If I yell at him he starts crying and if I tell him he can't get or do something watch out here comes the tantrum I am not sure what to do with him I really need help I don't want him to think he runs my house and he is a boss because he already thinks this he is a totall control freak and he's only 9 years old he won't have tantrums in stores or school it's at home but they have really gotten worse

Please help any advice

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport Margaret386 I hear you.  It can be so frustrating when you are experiencing constant tantrums with a child at home, yet he seems to be well-behaved elsewhere.  It’s also pretty common for a lot of kids to act one way while in one environment, yet act completely different in another. More  As explained in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/, it’s actually a positive sign that your son is well-behaved outside of the home because it shows that he has the skills to manage his behavior appropriately.  Now, it is more a matter of applying those skills to his behavior at home.  In addition to the resources available here, I encourage you to continue working the counselor and neurologist to help your son learn these skills.  Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your son.  Take care.

DCoo IvBa24 Can you talk to her teacher?  Is her teacher understanding?  If the teacher is understanding, can you mention the yelling (or raising of voice) saying that your daughter is a little sensitive to it?  Can her teacher make any suggestions? Perhaps she can be given morning monitor duties (privilege More to help the teacher set up etc.)  or something to look forward to when she arrives at school.  Give her some stickers to hand out to all her classmates and teacher first thing in the morning during line up, she may feel special doing this and look forward to it. Can you find out who your daughter gravitates towards as a friend and get to know the child and child's parent so she doesn't feel so alone, she could just be shy to start with?  Talk to other parents at the school especially those who have children in the same class.  There are many reasons why children don't want to go to school. Bullying and being treated unfairly is a common one.  These are just suggestions as we have had our fair share of issues at school later finding out that our child was being singled out and treated unfairly because we raised an issue in prep. My daughter is now in grade 2 and the singling out and issues have just been rectified (fingers crossed) so we have had 2.5 years of hell and bullying by the assistant principal.  I asked my daughter what was the best result when this was rectified and her answer was so simple "I'm happier now because it's fair".  Kids don't need much and as much as your daughter is having tantrums and stressing you and herself, make sure you give her all the support and love she needs. Write notes in her lunch box of support and love. Good luck with everything and my only other suggestion is go out of your way to build a supportive network for you and your child. you may find that other parents have similar issues at the school and it may not be your child's issue. Oh, and continue to talk to her about her day (good and bad) and tell her about yours (good and bad) so that she knows it's an open conversation.

RebeccaW_ParentalSupport IvBa24 I hear you.  It can be so difficult when a child doesn’t want to go to school, and it becomes a daily struggle to bring her to school.  As James Lehman points out in another article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-dont-want-to-go-to-school-and-what-you-can-do-about-it/, part of helping your daughter to manage her difficulty going to school More will be focusing on her responsibility to attend.  Another aspect will be helping her develophttps://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ so she can cope with her dislike of math more appropriately.  I understand how challenging these tantrums can be, and I hope that you will write back and let us know how things are going for you and your daughter.  Take care.

My 7 year doesn't really have tantrums in the stores but he wants to play games and run around like a wild child. In general he is  very angry mean little boy that will frequently hurt his 2.5 year old sister and has no remorse for it. He never gets in trouble at school but is absolutely disrespectful, ungrateful, rude... the list goes on and on. The reward/token system doesn't work, time outs... all of that isn't working. He has a very bad temper and I don't know what else to do with him. I am at a loss, I have tried to talk with him about the things he does, but he honestly has no remorse for hurting anyone or saying whatever hurtful thing he has learned.

I need advice, I am going to try to get a counselor to help but a starting point would be great.

I hear you.It can be

very difficult when you have a child who is acting out and becoming aggressive

toward his sibling.I hear your

frustration that time-outs and rewards do not appear to be changing your son’s

behavior.This is because consequences alone

do not change behavior.In order for

behavior to change, your son also needs to learn what to do differently the

next time he is in a similar situation.Something else to keep in mind is that it tends to be more effective to

focus on your son’s actions, and helping him to develop more appropriate coping

skills, rather than trying to make him feel a certain way.At this point, I encourage you to have https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/ with your son about what he can do differently when

he is angry.I also recommend limiting

the amount of time your son is spending unsupervised with your daughter until

he has improved his impulses and coping skills.Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for

you and your family.Take care.

I am expecting a new baby in Dec and all of a sudden my 5 years old have started throwing tantrums starting from go away,stop it words to crying ,hitting, screaming for hours. I feel so helpless and worried parent.

What to do? Thank you.

I hear you. It’s not uncommon for young children to act out

like this when a big transition is taking place, such as having a new

sibling.This is because they typically

do not have effective coping skills to handle strong emotions such as anxiety,

fear, sadness, and so on. Thus, they act

out their emotions in aggressive or attention-seeking ways such as you

described with your child.Something you

can start doing is working with your 5 year old to develop more https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/freaked-out-part-ii-how-to-help-kids-manage-their-anxiety/ during a calm time.It

can also be helpful to have ongoing discussions with your child about your new

baby, some of the changes your child can expect and the important role which an

older sibling gets to play in the family.Please be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for

I hear you. 

Dealing with constant tantrums can be so exhausting, and I’m glad that you are

reaching out for support.  In a way, it is a good sign that she is able to

behave when she is outside of your home, because this indicates that your

daughter has the skills to manage her emotions appropriately.  Now, it is

more a matter of applying those skills at home, as Sara Bean points out in her

article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/angel-child-or-devil-child-when-kids-save-their-bad-behavior-for-you/.  In

addition, trying to address inappropriate behavior in the midst of a tantrum is

rarely effective.  Instead, you might focus on trying to remain as calm as

possible, as Debbie Pincus points out in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/dealing-with-child-temper-tantrums-from-toddler-to-pre-teen/.  I recognize how

challenging this behavior can be, and I hope that you will write back and let

us know how things are going for you and your family.

Want to know why take them home when they throw a temper tantrum in the store?  I found a corner in the stores before and also rewarded good behaviour.  Leaving sometimes is exactly what they want so they do it again.

I also have a major issues and disappointment with counselors these days and am trying to figure out what to do with my 7 year old.  I took him to a counselor last year who thinks he has adjustment disorder from changing schools and other bs going on.  I agree with the diagnosis.  However I disagree with the treatment.  Her cure for the relatives having looser rules than we do was well remove the relatives until they comply with rules.  Um no.  They are adults who are set in their ways and are not going to change.  They do not see the extreme changes due to caving in to him all the time.  If we choose to say you do not get them until you comply that would get misunderstood and cause more family havoc.  Do I really want to be alone again because some idiot told me to cutoff family that wasn't completely healthy?  My mother was an exception, but most people are not deserving of complete cutoff from the family.  We have to work with what we are given.  No family is going to completely beable to comply with the boundary rules.  She also had this fancy token system that does not work with him.  Priviledge loss and immediate reward when possible for good behavior is understood.  Tokens do not work.

When I was a kid what worked for me was sitting my down with my parents and a counselor, going over specific events and having a counselor look at me asking why I did what I did and explaining why I was wrong.  She did not allow me to place the blame on anybody else, even another relatives poor examples of how to behave.  Where do I find counselors who still do this if I need them in a few years for him?  When are these guys going to realize that some kids do need firmer behavior modification than others.  That helped me a lot looking back, not pleasent at the time.  These counselors these days are too flowery and blame the parents for everything and think they are my coach instead of taking a role to help my son behave!  You are hired help to teach my kid to behave to make sure he understands mommy and daddy have expectations that are reasonable.

Anonymous I have issues with the store advice.  If I leave the store every time my older child has a meltdown, I won't get anything done and it just gives him what he wants- to go home get out of shopping.  I also have issues with the psychological advice in general.  More My son is developing an issue where he screams to get his way in the car.  I am hoping I made my point with him.  Today he seems anything sets him off.  He wanted to go play minecraft at the library so I took him.  He refused to get on a computer.  I gave him several chances.  He screamed partially on the way home because I would not take him back to the library and took his priviledges away away.  Pulled over twice due to him screaming.  I took him to a psycologist last year and she thought he had adjustment disorder which I can see but her cures were very poor.  Tokens for good behavior do not work for him.   He does not get that at all. What works is privilege removal/immediate reward for good behaviour.  Not this means you can get something good later. Part of the issue is our family has relatives that do not respect boundaries and refuse to do as they are told.  This counselor also instructed me to essentially break up the relationship they have until they change.  They are adults they are not going to change.  I will not do to my son what my mother did to me, she basically ruined the family.  When I was growing up what worked for me was the old fashioned approach where the counselor parent and child all talk together, not sit there and play.   Instead you were asked why you did what did and that it was not ok as well as how to resolve the issue.  Not giving rewards for every damn Who cares that so and so gets away with it you will not end of story.   Where do I find those these days?  Seems the newer approaches are busy blaming the parents and not focusing on backing up the parents.  Most families are not perfect and parents need backup.

Temper tantrums can

be very draining for most parents, so you are not alone in this

situation.  Outbursts tend to be quite common for young children, as they

tend to have a low tolerance for frustration and few coping skills to use when

they become upset or overwhelmed.  As Dr. Joan Simeo Munson points out,

part of addressing this type of behavior is to consistently respond in a

loving, but firm way in the moment when he is having a meltdown.  You

might find additional helpful information in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-discipline-young-kids-effectively-4-steps-every-parent-can-take/. 

I understand how challenging this can be, and I hope you will write back and

let us know how things are going for you and your family. Take care.

LuciaMorris I feel you and just to let you know it will get easier. Just keep being consistant and do not say anything that you are not able to follow through with. I think its important to speak to them when they are not having a tantrum. ither before it happens More or when its overm always ensure you let them know that the behaviour they displayed was not exceptable and tell them whats expected. O am not an expert just a mom of a 4 year old. My son used to have tantrums if i picked him up from daycare when he was playing or when we had to leave the park or a friends house it took a while of me showimg my disaproval for him to comply. I used sweat when this happend. and ofcourse i was embarassed as well. I never stopped taking him places however i made it a point to tell him before we even went that if he startes yelling or throwimg a tantrum he will not get to watch his show for the evening. it worked not right away...as i believe once he didnt watch tv for a week straight cuz he just never wanted to come home. But now he might need a remimder from time to time and sometimes he crys a bit but it will never last and it never turns into a tantrum. it took almost 5 years but its possible. Just be consistant and make sure he or she knowa whats expected and what the onsequenxe is. they will catch on. believe me.Good Luck

I live with my boyfriend of a year and a half. Last August he got full custody of his 6 year old son. The child's mother has visitation 3 weekends a month and Wednesday's. My boyfriend was given full custody because the child's mother was committing parental alienation against the child's father (my boyfriend). They had split up when the child was a year old and my boyfriend has spent the last 4 years slowly trying to get custody back. I love his son as my own and the past year has been beautiful and challenging at the same time. As of late, maybe the past two months, the little boy has been throwing insane temper tantrums, whenever we tell him No. It can ruin a perfectly good afternoon. We went to the park and played with him for hours and as soon we said it was time to leave, he said he wanted to stay, and his father said, No we need to leave. The child immediately started saying how he hates his father and his father is no fun and things of that nature. Literally a minute before, we had all been laughing and playing and having a great time. Similar incidents have happened. Last night we were all 3 outside our house practicing on his bike. He is in the process of learning to ride with no training wheels. He was getting upset because he wasn't getting it and threw his bike to the floor. He said he was going inside, so his father told him to pick the bike up and bring it inside if he was done trying. The child told his dad to pick the bike up and my boyfriend told him "No, you bring your bike in". That was it. The child ran inside the house and proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs for the next hour and a half. When my boyfriend tried to calm him down, the child started hitting his father, something that has also recently begun. He started screaming at him to leave him alone and get out of his room and that he's the meanest daddy in the world, and things of that nature. My boyfriend ended up just walking out of the room and we sat there in the next room while his son cried it out. He cried for about the next 5 minutes. About 10 minutes later my boyfriend went in to check on him and without a word, his son says "daddy I love you"..and all was right with the world. This has become a constant for how all his tantrums end. He just

Randomly decides he's done going crazy and tells his daddy he loves him. This situation is extra sensitive tho because the mother of the child is fighting to get custody back. Even though a child counselor, the little boy's attorney, a marital counselor, and a judge all found her unfit to raise him as she was found to be brainwashing the little boy to dislike his father. I know that's a separate problem but I can't help thinking it's connected. I'm at a loss as to what to do because my boyfriend thinks he's just a sensitive boy who has to deal with his emotions and is still Learning how to, and right now does it through throwing tantrums..I feel it has something to do with since this child can remember, he's had everyone in his life (his father's family and his mother's family) fighting over him and spoiling him and seeing who can buy him the coolest presents and seeing who can make the most fun weekends for him and take him to the coolest places..(As is the case when two families are fighting over custody), and now that he's in a regular household situation where his father is establishing rules, Parenting him and disciplining him, instead of being the guy he sees every weekend who brings him toys and takes him to cool places before returning him to his mom, now he doesn't know how to react to that. His father contacted the mother of the boy to please make sure he is being disciplined when he visits her and she responded by saying that she refuses to discipline him now that she only sees him so little. This further hinders our situation because I'm worried his son will begin to see him as the "mean parent" because he is the only one disciplining him or enforcing any punishments. Help! Any and all advice would be appreciated.

Marie1985 What I don't understand is the 'leave them' or 'leave the shop' advice. As a mother of three kids and a partner who works long hours it's not as if I can just walk away from the shops. I go to the shops because I need something, I can't just More leave because my 6 yr old is kicking off for an ice cream. I have been through camhs with my daughter but because she's 'fine' in school, her teacher believes she is gifted, they fob us off with parenting classes. I have read up on adhd in gifted children and my daughter ticks all the boxes, she's reading books about the brain which contain things on cerebellum and depression, psychologists and neurologists...... We have tried numerous punishment/reward systems, we do not give in, in her own words she doesn't care she will even be naughty and before we say anything hand over her ds and say I guess I won't be getting this for a few weeks then. She jumps off things (furniture, toys etc), she restrains her younger sisters, it takes her around an hour minimum to eat her meals, she never remembers where she has taken her shoes or glasses off, I have to give simple short instructions and even then she goes off on a tangent ( a task of go and get some socks leads to her playing with the scales in the bathroom or playing with toys), I've had to sit in her bedroom in the dark to stop her from getting out of bed, she doesn't sit still for two minuets, I could go on and on. Feel like a complete failure as a parent.

Your grandsons are so fortunate to have you as a stable,

loving presence in their lives.  I can hear how much you care about them,

and want to help your younger one to manage his emotions.  Because he is

currently working with a therapist, it could be useful to share your concerns

and observations with this professional, as s/he has the benefit of directly

observing and interacting with your grandson.  Then, you can work together

to develop a plan to help him manage his anger and frustration in a more

appropriate way which keeps everyone safe.  I also recognize how

challenging this must be for you, and I hope that you are taking steps to take

care of yourself as well.  Self-care is an important, yet often

overlooked, component of effective parenting.  Your self-care plan can be

anything you wish, from engaging in an activity you enjoy, to using more

structured supports such as counseling or a kinship care support group. 

If you are interested in using this kind of support, try contacting the http://www.211.org/ at 1-800-273-6222.  211 is a

service which connects people with resources in their community.  Please

be sure to write back and let us know how things are going for you and your

family.  Take care.

Tantrums are quite

common for children your daughter’s age, as they tend to have a low frustration

tolerance, and few appropriate coping skills to use when upset.  When

children of this age encounter a challenging situation, they tend to resort to

behaviors such as whining, screaming, crying, and kicking.  When you are

in the moment of your daughter’s meltdown, I recommend moving slightly away

from your daughter and trying to remain as calm as possible.  Dr. Joan

Simeo Munson has additional helpful tips in her article, https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stopping-a-temper-tantrum-in-its-tracks-what-to-do-when-kids-lose-it/.  I

understand how difficult tantrums can be, and I hope you will write back and

let us know how things are going.  Take care.

LuciaMorris This is very common at that age. Be consistant and it will pass. Make sure you do as u said and tell her that when its time to leave she is to.happy let her know that by crying she will not get to stay longer also use something she enjoys More or wants to do as a reward or something you can take away and do it right away. For instance if she behaves and comes when its time to leave she can get an ice cream if she throws a tantrum she gets no icecream and also loses her tv privilage. You have to be consistant it took a long time i felt like it wasnt working and it was like taking 1 step forward and 3 step backwards but you can not give up because if you give in it will show rhem what you say means nothing and aslong as they cry they will get what they want. My son still will need the occassional reminder especially when its time to leave the park or friends...he has even cried recently when i picked him up from daycare while he was in the middle of playing. however its not a tantrum anymore and he gets over it quickly.Be strong and all will work out! Good Luck

Many of us can relate to the frustration of dealing with an

uncooperative 3 year old, and understand what you are dealing with in those

moments. With a young child, the most effective thing you can do is remain calm

and firm with your directions. While this won’t necessarily change how your

daughter feels about leaving the park, it can help prevent further escalation

for both of you.  We would not recommend spanking as it doesn’t serve to

teach your daughter how to manage her feelings in a more appropriate way.

Instead, disengage from the tantrum and focus on taking care of your own

emotions. Tantrums are temporary, and when you don’t give them any attention,

they slowly die from neglect.  Debbie Pincus, author of our https://www.empoweringparents.com/product/the-calm-parent-am-pm/, has some great tips on staying calm and guiding

your child to better behavior https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-keep-calm-and-guide-your-child-to-better-behavior-this-year/.

Know that it will get easier over time, and let us know if you have any more

questions. Take care and thanks for writing in!

Dawn I give the 5 minute warnings and then I tell her, ok, pick 1 more thing to go on because it's time to go. They feel like they have some control in the matter and it's worked for me with 2 kids so far.

Jaxxsmommy707 

I understand how

frustrating it can be when your young child is constantly having

meltdowns.  It can be helpful to keep in mind that tantrums are very

common among children your son’s age.  This is mainly due to the fact that

they tend to have a low frustration tolerance, and few appropriate coping

skills to use when they become upset.  This does not mean that you are

powerless, however.  Besides staying as calm as possible during a

meltdown, you might find some helpful tips in https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/stopping-a-temper-tantrum-in-its-tracks-what-to-do-when-kids-lose-it/.  In

addition, if you are concerned that there might be an underlying issue

contributing to your son’s behavior (such as possible ear problems), I

recommend checking in with your son’s doctor in order to rule out other

factors.  Thank you for writing in; take care.

Natalie Hello I have a son that has just turned 4 he throws a tantrum when he doesn't get what he wants. He cries a lot but has been like that from a baby he was different to his 2 sisters as a baby his cries were always screams. The type More of scream that makes you think something bad has happened to him but that is his regular cry. He fights a lot with his 8 year old sister he is very strong and she always ends up crying. Right now he goes to nursery half day in the mornings the school is next to the park. All the children go there with their mum as soon as nursery is finished. If I see my son can walk nicely home from nursery it's a 6 mins walk then I let him go to the park the next day after nursery so he has not been to the park this week soon as I pick him up he starts crying for the park then throws himself on the floor a few times kicking and screaming it takes us a long time to get home. He also will start pulling me so I can't move and sometimes hitting me. Then everyday we have to go out 3 hours later to pick up my daughter from school same thing happens again

Tantrums can be tough to deal with. A parent’s first

reaction is to either try to reason with their child or give a consequence in

an attempt to make the behavior stop. Unfortunately, both of these responses do

tend to escalate the situation, as you’ve pointed out. Usually, the best

response to a tantrum when it’s happening is to set a limit and walk away,

allowing your child the opportunity to calm down. After things have calmed down

you can go back and problem solve with your child ways he can manage his anger

and frustration more effectively, as James Lehman recommends in the above

article. Another article you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-handle-temper-tantrums-coaching-kids-to-calm-down/. In it, Sara Bean

gives great tips for helping your son learn the skills he needs to stay calm

when upset or frustrated. We appreciate you writing in and wish your family the

best of luck moving forward. Be sure to check back and let us know how things

are going. Take care.

I hear you. It can be so upsetting when you’re not able to

do things as a family because one child seems to always cause a scene. It

sounds like there are other situations that are also at issue. It is going to

be more effective to pick one area to focus on at a time. Trying to address

every instance pf acting out behavior may prove to be not possible. It can be

hard to know where to start when there are so may acting out behaviors

happening. Carole Banks gives some tips for deciding what behavior to start

with in her article  https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-childs-behavior-is-so-bad-where-do-i-begin-how-to-coach-your-child-forward/.

Another thing we find to be beneficial is if the birth parent takes the lead

when a child needs to be disciplined. The two of you can decide beforehand what

house rules you would like and possible consequences that could be implemented.

In the moment when the behavior is happening, however, it may be more effective

if you disconnect and take space to take care of yourself or the other

children. James Lehman explains this approach in greater detail in his article

 https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/my-blended-family-wont-blend-help-part-i-how-you-and-your-spouse-can-get-on-the-same-page/. I hope you find this information useful for your situation.

Best of luck to you and your family moving forward. Take care.

I have a 7 year old son who has been having extreme tantrums to the point where he is screaming, kicking, and knocking things down when he doesn't get his way. This only happens at school. I am at the end of the line with it. The tantrums started this school year. He is the COMPLETE opposite at home. I've never witnessed it for myself. I get calls from his school just about everyday. It's so annoying. I have changed his before and aftercare, started a reward system for good behavior and chores, and now I'm considering changing his school. I feel like maybe the teachers have already categorized him and are putting no effort in trying to help. I get it, the screaming disrupts the entire school, but all they do is send him to the office. They already give him breaks to sit with the Principal everytime he gets frustrated with his work. Please help!

momneedinghelp

I hear you. It can be so distressing when your child acts

out at school. Many parents are uncertain how to respond to behavior that

happens when they’re not present. It may help to know that the behavior you

describe is not uncommon for a 7 year old. Most seven year olds have a limited

tolerance for frustration and few skills to deal with their frustration

effectively. So, when your son get’s upset, he has a tantrum. Using a reward

chart is a good way of helping keep the focus on the behavior you want your son

to have. I would also have a meeting with his teachers to find out more information.

 My first question would be when are these outbursts occurring? Do they

occur during specific lessons or at certain times of the day? This information

may help to determine what problem your son is trying to solve with these

outbursts. For example, maybe he struggles with math or he might find it

difficult to transition from one activity to the next. Here are a couple of

articles you may find helpful: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/young-kids-acting-out-in-school-the-top-3-issues-parents-worry-about-most/ & https://www.empoweringparents.com/article-categories/ages-and-stages/younger-children/page/4/.

Good luck to you and your son moving forward. Take care.

@Momoftwins

I hear you. It can be so frustrating when your child has a

meltdown every time he gets upset or disappointed. I can understand your

concern; after all, you don’t give in to his tantrums so, it would seem logical

they would stop since your not reinforcing the behavior. Not giving in is an

important part of not reinforcing his behavior, as is holding him accountable

after the fact. Unfortunately, until he learns better coping or problem solving

skills, his behavior will likely continue. You can help him learn better coping

skills by sitting down with him and having a problem solving conversation after

things have calmed down. Sara bean explains how to have a problem solving

conversation with your child in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior-i-cant-solve-problems/. I hope

you find the information useful for your situation. Best of luck to you and

your family moving forward. Take care.

I hear you. It can be tough to manage a temper tantrum. I

can understand you want to keep her siblings safe. Locking her in her room or

out on the porch may be a safety issue for your daughter, though. Instead of

trying to make her leave the area, it would be more effective to remove the

audience by having the other children go to a different place in the

house.  This could be part of a safety plan, as James Lehman discusses in

the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/the-lost-children-when-behavior-problems-traumatize-siblings/. It would be

beneficial to help your daughter learn more appropriate and effective ways of

dealing with anger and frustration by coaching her to calm down. Sara Bean

explains how to do this in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how-to-handle-temper-tantrums-coaching-kids-to-calm-down/. We wish you and your

family the best of luck moving forward. Take care.

Ok, my quiet meek 8 year old daughter during the day turns into a screaming nightmare at home when she doesn't get her way. We co slept with all 4 of our children and we explained to them that in the new year they were going to sleep in their rooms. My 8 year old and I went shopping got fish for her room and every night when it's time for bed she screams kicks throws things and says hurtful things to us. Tonight her daddy was trying to put her to sleep all I could hear was screaming and my daughter yelling no one cares about me I'm going to spit on you let me go your hurting me and so on. This went on for over an hour. She's scared to sleep in her room, she says she just wants me to lay by her, and so on. It was breaking my heart listening to her say these things while I was trying to work. I finally caved and laid with her because my husband was really upsetting her.

Any thoughts?

Mommabear24kidos

What a challenging situation. It sounds like your daughter

is having a difficult time making the transition to sleeping in her own room.

It’s not unusual for kids to struggle with these types of transitions. You

might find it helpful to develop a reward or incentive plan to motivate your

daughter to stay in her own room when it’s time to go to sleep. We have

behavior chart templates you can download in the article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/free-downloadables-child-behavior-charts-how-to-use-them-effectively/ Another article

you may find helpful is https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/go-to-bed-now-winning-the-bedtime-battle-with-young-kids-and-teens/ by James Lehman. He gives great tips

on helping kids learn how to follow a bedtime routine and go to bed when

they’re supposed to. We appreciate you writing in and wish you the best of luck

moving forward. Take care.

MsHMomOfTwins

It can be tough to know what to do when your child is having

a temper tantrum. Many parents we talk to share similar distress so you’re not

alone. The most important thing to keep in mind when trying to address tantrums

is not giving the behavior too much attention. When you give the behavior

attention, you give it power. If at all possible, you want to disengage from

interacting with your daughter when she is in the middle of a melt down. Say to

her something like “I want to help you solve your problem. I can’t help you

solve your problem until you calm down” and then disengage. You can even walk

away (an age appropriate distance) and give her space to calm down. After she

has calmed down you can go back and talk with her about what was happening for

her and how she might be able to deal with a similar situation differently in

the future. For more information on managing this tough behavior, you can check

out Dr. Joan Simeo Munson’s article Stopping a Temper Tantrum in its Tracks: What to Do When Kids Lose it . I hope you

find this information helpful. Be sure to check back and let us know how things

MJ What I don't understand is why my 6 year old throws tantrums over stupidly little things that don't even matter.  This morning she is throwing tantrums about blowing her nose.  She wants to keep blowing her nose even tho there is nothing there to sneeze out.  I was fine with More it so long as she went to the bathroom and took care of business after the first bit of tissue so she wouldn't pee her pants.  She was frustrated and shouting rudely even well before I told her to go to the bathroom, as if I was responsible for making her nose runny.  This is just one example of her crazy illogical behavior that sets off tantrums.  Doesn't matter if we talk after.  Doesn't matter if I know she is way smarter than this.  The temper tantrums are always about something minor and she never NEVER just accepts something I've said... like that the word "name" has an e at the end or that sunflowers grow from sunflower seeds but wont grow after the seed has been cooked.  I don't even have to disagree very strongly for her to freak out.  ANY minor, kindly said, correction of any kind can result in a meltdown.  I kinda have to steer her in the right direction when it comes to homework as well.  I don't know how to handle this sort of thing.  No one in my family has been like this before.  My husband is an only child and wasn't a tantrum thrower either so he has no idea how to handle it.  I just get more and more frustrated and angry at the sheer ridiculousness of some of these outbursts.  She NEVER gets her way when she acts like this.  She is plenty old enough to understand what is expected of her.  She has been doing most of what she will have a tantrum over (dressing herself, going to bed, doing her homework at study time, not being allowed to watch TV for more than an hour, no sweets and candies allowed, blowing her own nose and wiping her own bum, ex ex ex) for years so it is not like it is a new thing and it wasn't unacceptable to her a year ago why now?  Yes, we moved and that was an upheaval and all but that was almost a year ago now and she had started this before we left.  <sigh>  I just don't get her sometimes and most of the time I can't just let her blow herself out.  It is almost like she lies in wait for a time when we have to do something important RIGHT now.  Why?  It never gets her what she wants and she usually looses something to do it...  it just doesn't make sense.

WalkerF Why is leaving the store the standard recommendation for problem behavior while shopping. It is just ridiculous as a punishment since what child wants to be in the store shopping? Leaving the store is a reward for the child and it prevents you from being able to get your shopping More done.

Having a child who is constantly throwing temper tantrums

can be extremely frustrating and exhausting, and I’m glad that you are writing

in for support.  Something that I frequently discuss with parents is that

kids usually act out inappropriately because they do not have http://www.empoweringparents.com/the-surprising-reason-for-bad-child-behavior.php.  One next step might be to talk with her

during a calm time about the rules and how she will follow them.  You may

want to start with

her behavior in just one environment, such as in the house or in the car, in order to avoid

feeling overwhelmed.  You may also want to try using a http://www.empoweringparents.com/free-downloadable-charts/ to recognize and reward the times when she is behaving

appropriately.  Please let us know if you have any additional questions;

Kimpo Is laughing @ the child's tantrum (5 years old) appropriate for a mother to do when the child acts up with the father? The mother thinks it's funny but later on talks to the kid. I don't understand that reaction at all. She sounds hebephrenic & then switches gears. She More is a psychologist & the father isn't. Is this new ?

As a teen I did volunteer work at sort of an orphanage, where no child had parents. Never once did any child of any age, infant to about 12, ever have a metldown, so what does that tell you? children who have their needs met but are not spoiled rotten have no need for a meltdown.

children who know they can control the adult do have a meltdown.

It can be upsetting for everyone

involved when a child acts up during special times. Often times, parents feel

embarrassed and unsure of how to deal with the behavior. In the moment when the

behavior is happening, stopping the show the way your daughter did is actually

the most effective way of managing that acting out behavior when it is

occurring. Granted, this may have an negative impact on siblings and other

members of the family. The idea, however, is to remove the audience (which can

inadvertently reinforce the attention seeking behavior) and also allows the

child to have needed space to calm down. What’s going to help decrease the

behavior in the future is problem solving with the child after she has had a

chance to calm down. For example, an adult might talk with her about what was

going on before she started to have a tantrum. This will help to figure out the

faulty thinking that may be going on. Then, she can be supported in finding

other, more appropriate ways she can respond in the future. We have a couple

articles you may find helpful to share with your daughter: Attention-Seeking Behavior in Young Children: Do’s and Don’ts for Parents

& The Surprising Reason for Bad Child Behavior: “I Can’t Solve Problems” . I hope this information is helpful. Be sure to check

back if you have any further questions. Take care.

My grandson who is 5 years old (come Feb 10th) left my home last evening.  When he got home he had a super tantrum according to my daughter.  He wanted to watch television, but it was time for bed.  He refused to take off his clothing, he refused to go More to bed, he refused to allow my daughter or his dad to do what they needed to do to prepare for the next day.  In the end he fell asleep, but then awoke and continued his tantrum where he left off.  When he awoke this morning he continued his tantrum from the night before.  He does not exhibit this type of behavior when he is at our home.  My daughter is lost for what to do and what is bringing on these tantrums.  He did start a new school the beginning of this year, but seems to love his new environment more so than his other school.  She is at her wits end trying to figure out what bought this behavior on?

It sounds like your daughter and her family did not have a very good evening or morning. Sometimes, bad moods and bad days are just a part of life, and sometimes tantrums are a sign that the child and parent are in the midst of a power struggle. Typically, a child who continues More to act out in this way has found that it serves a purpose. It can keep a parent’s attention, it can be a strategy to avoid doing something the child does not want to do, or simply a way to vent strong feelings that are hard to cope with. Whether it is an ongoing behavior or something new, it will serve a parent best to find ways not to engage with this behavior when it is happening, for how long the tantrum lasts.. Modeling calm behavior and being consistent about the rules and limits are good things to have in place. Another good approach is to  help the child find ways to calm himself when something happens that he does not like, and then practice using those ideas before the next problem occurs. Keep in mind, he may need a lot of practice. Here are more tips from Dr. Joan Simeo Munson that may be helpful http://www.empoweringparents.com/how-to-discipline... . Thanks for writing.

Responses to questions posted on EmpoweringParents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. We cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. Please seek the support of local resources as needed. If you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline.

We value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. We ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. Unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website.

• 1. Negative Children: 7 Ways To Deal With a Complaining Child or Teen
• 2. Angel Child or Devil Child? When Kids Save Their Bad Behavior for You
• 3. Dealing with Child Temper Tantrums from Toddler to Pre-teen
• 4. Teen Temper Tantrums: 6 Steps to Stop the Screaming
• 5. How to Handle Temper Tantrums: Coaching Kids to Calm Down
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What are tantrums?

Tantrums come in all shapes and sizes.

They can involve spectacular explosions of anger, frustration and disorganised behaviour – when your child ‘loses it’.

You might see screaming, stiffening limbs, an arched back, kicking, falling down, flailing about or running away. In some cases, children hold their breath, vomit, break things or hurt themselves or other people as part of a tantrum.

Why tantrums happen

Tantrums are common in children aged 1-3 years .

This is because young children are still at an early stage of social, emotional and language development. They can’t always communicate their needs and feelings, including the desire to do things for themselves, so they might get frustrated. And they’re learning that how they behave influences others. So tantrums are one of the ways that young children express and manage feelings, and try to understand or change what’s going on around them.

Older children can have tantrums too. This can be because they haven’t yet learned safe ways to express or manage feelings.

For both toddlers and older children , there are things that can make tantrums more likely to happen:

• Temperament – this influences how quickly and strongly children react to things like frustrating events or changes in their environment. Children who are more sensitive might be more easily upset by these things.
• Stress, hunger, tiredness and overstimulation – these can make it harder for children to express and manage feelings and stay calm.
• Situations that children just can’t cope with – for example, a toddler might have trouble coping if an older child takes a toy away.
• Strong emotions – worry, fear, shame and anger can be overwhelming for children.

Self-regulation is the ability to understand and manage feelings and reactions. Children start developing it from around 12 months. As your child gets older, they’ll be more able to regulate reactions and calm down when something upsetting happens. You’ll see fewer tantrums as a result.

How to make tantrums less likely

These are a few things you can do to make tantrums less likely to happen:

• Help your child understand their emotions. You can do this from birth by using words to label feelings like ‘happy’, ‘sad’, ‘cross’, ‘tired’, ‘hungry’ and ‘comfy’.
• Identify tantrum triggers like tiredness, hunger, worries, fears or overstimulation. You might be able to plan for these situations and avoid the triggers – for example, by going shopping after your child has had a nap or something to eat.
• When your child handles a difficult situation without a tantrum, encourage them to tune in to how this feels. For example, ‘I just saw you build that tower again without getting upset when it fell. How did that feel? Did you feel strong and calm?’
• Talk about emotions after a tantrum when your child is calm. For example, ‘Did you throw that toy because you were cross that it wasn’t working? What else could you have done?’
• Model positive reactions to stress. For example, ‘I’m worried this traffic is making us late. If I take some deep breaths, it will help me stay calm’.

Some young children who are still learning to speak have tantrums because they’re frustrated. Teaching your child some key word signs for words like ‘angry’ or ‘hungry’ can help until they learn the words to say instead.

How to handle tantrums when they happen

Sometimes tantrums happen, no matter what you do to avoid them. When a tantrum happens, the way to respond depends on your child’s age :

• For toddlers, time-in works well – stay close, offer comfort, and reassure children that you understand their feelings.
• For older children, you can use 5 calming down steps – identify the emotion, name it, pause, support your child while they calm down, and address the issue that sparked the tantrum.

And these tips might help tantrums pass with less distress for everyone:

• Make sure that your child and others nearby are safe. This might mean carrying your child somewhere else if you need to.
• Once your child is in a safe place, calmly acknowledge the emotion they’re expressing – speak slowly and in a low voice.
• Stay quietly with your child until they calm down. Touch or hold them if they want you to, or give them more physical space if they need it. Don’t try to reason with your child.
• Be consistent about not giving in to demands. This will help your child learn that tantrums don’t help them get what they want.
• Try a ‘paradoxical instruction’. This means giving your child permission to scream and shout until they’re ready to stop. For example, ‘You can yell louder if you want to. It’s a big park and we’re not bothering anyone’.
• Comfort your child when they’ve calmed down. A tantrum is distressing for everyone.

Tantrums in preschoolers and early school-age children

At this age, children are also better able to understand that their actions have effects. For example, after your child has calmed down from their tantrum, you could explain that a natural consequence of having a tantrum is that other children might not want to play with them.

If your child has additional needs like autism, they might have frequent or severe tantrums. See our article on challenging behaviour in autistic children or ask for advice from the professionals who work with your child.

Coping with tantrums: managing your own feelings

If you can stay calm when your child is having a tantrum, it gives your child a model of calm behaviour. Here are ideas for staying calm and keeping things in perspective during tantrums:

• Have a clear plan for how you’ll handle a tantrum in whatever situation you’re in. Concentrate on putting your plan into action when the tantrum happens.
• Accept that you can’t control your child’s emotions or behaviour directly. You can only keep your child safe and guide their behaviour so tantrums are less likely to happen in the future.
• Accept that it takes time for change to happen. Your child has a lot of growing up to do before tantrums are gone forever. Developing and practising self-regulation skills is a life-long task.
• Beware of thinking that your child is doing it on purpose or trying to upset you. Children don’t have tantrums deliberately. They’re stuck in a bad habit or don’t have the skills right now to cope with the situation.
• Keep your sense of humour. But don’t laugh at the tantrum – if you do, it might reward your child with attention. It might also upset your child even more if they think you’re laughing at them.
• If other people give you dirty looks, ignore them. They’ve either never had children or it’s been so long that they’ve forgotten what it’s like.

Be kind to yourself when things don’t go to plan and a tantrum happens. Raising children is a big and important job, which all parents learn as they go. You’re doing your best, and you can’t control everything.

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How to Handle a Temper Tantrum

What Is a Temper Tantrum?

A temper tantrum is your child's way of expressing their frustration with their limits or anger about not getting their way. During a temper tantrum, they may argue, be unwilling to do what they're told to do, and go against authority. 

Children younger than 4 regularly have up to nine tantrums a week. While it can be shocking to see your child become so angry, it's developmentally appropriate in toddlers. Angry outbursts are how they express the frustration they are having as a result of their rapid growth. They want to do things for themselves but don't have the skills and abilities to do so. Thankfully, your toddler's anger should start to fade as they develop the communication skills to express themselves better. 

Most kids will argue or be stubborn every now and then, but when anger and hostility happen often – leading to other problems with friends, at school, or at home – there may be cause for concern.

While parents and caregivers can ignore tantrums in toddlers and preschoolers, it's harder to shrug them off later in life. Aggressive older children can pose a danger to others and themselves.

What's 'Normal'?

A typical tantrum can happen when a young child is tired or frustrated, or during daily routines like bedtime, mealtime, or getting dressed.

What's not typical is when the outburst comes out of nowhere or is so intense that the child becomes exhausted. When it becomes regular, that should be a red flag.

Some of the things that can be cause for concern are:

Anger or unkindness toward people, objects, or both. It's possible for a child to want to hit or kick a caregiver out of frustration once in a while. But when it happens in more than half of the child's tantrums, there could be a problem.

Your child tries to injure themselves. They might try to do something like:

• Bite themselves
• Scratch themselves
• Bang their head against the wall
• Try to hurt their foot by kicking, hitting, or punching something

Your child can't calm down. In other words, you have to remove them from the environment or promise them something after nearly every tantrum to settle your child down and stop the tantrum.

Many tantrums. From ages 1 to 4, your child can average one tantrum a day. If they happen more often, that can be cause for concern.

Very long outbursts. If the tantrums usually last more than 15 minutes, that could signal another issue.

Causes of Temper Tantrums

 Some typical triggers for tantrums include: 

• Being unable to complete a task
• Not having the words to express their feelings
• Transitions
• Being tired, hungry, or frustrated
• Wanting attention or a preferred object (toy)

A child might also lash out regularly because of:

• A learning disability
• Sensory processing issues

Disruptive behavior disorder, which can include a pattern of actions that interrupt daily life, could be another possible cause. This condition is more than a tantrum and can include:

• Not listening to authority

Two of the most common disruptive behavior disorders are oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) and conduct disorder (CD).

Children with ODD may show signs of being spiteful, mean, or cruel to others. They're angry a lot and spend a lot of time arguing or not following directions. They may be more likely to have anxiety or depression as they get older.

Children with CD may grow up to have problems in daily life with friends or at home. Their ongoing disruptive or violent actions may include bullying , using weapons, destroying property, stealing, and lying.

If you're concerned about your child's behavior, talk with your pediatrician. They may refer you to a psychiatrist or a psychologist, if needed. Early treatment can help and can focus on goals like teaching your child to deal with anger and frustration in ways that are more common.

Preventing Temper Tantrums

Stay positive. Children need positive relationships to feel connected and learn to control their behavior. When you're dealing with an angry toddler, it can be hard to stay calm. 

Kids with behavior challenges can get caught in a difficult cycle. Their behavior  frustrates their caregiver , who gets angry with them, which causes more anger. It can feel like you're always punishing your child. 

As long as they aren't being destructive, try to focus on the positive – even if it means overlooking some tantrums. 

Make a plan. You can't prevent every tantrum, but if you think ahead, you can reduce how many your child may have. Here are some tips to help: 

• Plan ahead. Don't run errands when your child is going to be hungry and tired. Pack snacks and toys to keep your toddler busy.
• Be consistent. Stick to a routine that includes consistent times for meals, naps, and bedtimes. Your child will do better if they know what to expect. They will also handle frustration better if they are getting enough rest. 
• Offer choices. Whenever possible, let your child make decisions. Children feel more in control if they can decide what toys to play with or what outfit to wear. 
• Identify triggers. Avoid situations that are likely to cause your child to have a meltdown. Don't give your child toys that will frustrate them. Avoid sit-down restaurants if your child can't tolerate waiting. 

Reward good behavior. Catch your child being good. If your child behaves at dinner, point it out and compliment them. Help your child set an appropriate behavior goal and give them a reward for reaching it. Instead of a material reward, give your child special time with a parent or let them pick the movie for movie night.

How to Stop Tantrums

When your toddler does have a tantrum, they will need your help to calm down. You can help your child if you:

• Stay calm. Shouting or responding angrily to your child will just make the situation worse. 
• Try distraction. Give your child a toy or book. Offer to help if the tantrum is about cleaning up or doing a chore. 
• Gently hold them. If your child is hitting, kicking, or trying to run away, hold them until they calm down. 
• Explain the rules. When your child calms down, talk about the rules with them. 
• Ignore the behavior. When you ignore the tantrum, this tells your child that the behavior is not acceptable. While doing this, keep them in sight and away from objects that could harm them or others.

When to Seek Help

Aside from normal developmental stages, there are medical issues that can cause anger in children. Some of these include: 

• Frustration in children with cognitive or communication conditions such as  autism
• Psychosis such as schizophrenia
• Mood disorders like bipolar disorder
• Impulsivity, which often happens with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD)
• Trauma caused by outside circumstances
• Frontal lobe damage that can happen with injuries or  epilepsy

If your child's anger doesn't seem to be related to a developmental stage and lasts longer than a few weeks, you should talk to your pediatrician. You should also talk to a doctor if you feel like you can't handle your child's anger on your own. Some other signs that your child may need help include: 

• Causing injury to themselves or others, including bruises and bite marks
• Attacking you or other adults
• Being sent home from school
• Being concerned about the safety of people around your child

The biggest warning sign is the how often outbursts happen. It's possible for children with issues such as  conduct disorder to go several days or a week without outbursts. But they can rarely go a month without problems. Treatments can help reward good behavior and discourage bad behavior in children with medical issues.

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Repair Your Relationship With Your Child In Less Than 17 Seconds!

3 Things to Do When Your Kid Cries over Homework

“Noooo… I can’t do it.  I don’t have the time!!”

Have you heard this from your child when she sits down to do homework?  My gosh, it wrecks me.

I can feel her overwhelm. What can I do but jump in and try to help?

“It’s ok sweetie, let’s write down all the things you have to do to get it out of your head.”

“NO!” she pouts back, “That won’t help.  I don’t know any of this and I have to get started now.”

What do you do with that? 

You see the problem, you know the steps to take to fix it and yet your child pushes you away like you couldn’t possibly know what she’s talking about or what she’s dealing with.

I have a feeling its what our parents used to think about us.

Homework can become one neverending nightmare.  What do we do when our kids struggle with it and yet refuse our help?

Second, we need to prepare with a great response.

Read : How to Stay Calm and Win the Homework Battle

#1 We step back.

Kids want autonomy.   They want control over their lives.

Sometimes our well-meaning suggestions threaten that sense of control – especially as they get older.

FYI: This post contains affiliate links to products I love and recommend.  It costs you nothing extra if you purchase through my link, but I may get a small commission .

In her book Untangled: Guiding Girls Through the Seven Transitions Into Adulthood, Lisa Damour, Ph.D. tells the story of a girl Trina, whose mom tried to control her homework.  Well-meaning mom would stand over Trina making sure every problem was answered and correct.

Well, Trina did her homework.  But then, she refused to turn it in.

Only after Trina’s mom stepped back from homework to make it truly her daughter’s responsibility did Trina start turning in assignments.

Read: How to stop the homework fight even if your kid outright refuses to work

How to step back effectively

How did she do this?  She offered her help, but then tied Trina’s grades to the level of maturity she showed.  The more maturity she showed by her participation in school, the more privileges she had outside of it.

This consequence makes sense because 1) Trina’s parents needed to know they could trust her and 2) They truly wanted Trina to succeed.  It wasn’t punitive but rather a stepping stool to growing up.

With homework, we can offer our help but then we need to step back when our kids refuse to take it.

#2 We can’t reason with emotions

When I don’t want to do something—like, really don’t want to do something—I get emotional. You may do it, too. If you ever want to cry just thinking about doing all the dishes piling up in the sink, this will speak to you. 

We’re stressed. We’re overwhelmed. It’s a natural reaction and some people are better handling it than others.

Our kids get this way, too. After all the after-school activities and demands on their time, kids get understandably tired.

Kendra, a mom from Chandler, Arizona, says this is exactly how her son reacts to homework. She explains that, “if he’s mad and tired, he’s writing mad and tired.”

When our kids cry and look miserable, it triggers a huge protective instinct in us parents. We hate seeing them this way and think of any way we can make it better. Sometimes that means giving in and releasing them from homework for the night; or maybe it means you’re by their side as their personal cheerleader – cheering them through math, one painful equation at a time.

“C’mon you can do it. Just one more. Just one more.”

I release you from that responsibility. Not only does it stress you out, but your kiddo can feel your stress as well.

When emotions get high…

Instead, take a break.  There is no reason that kids need to power through homework in elementary school and middle school.

Is your kid overwhelmed? Take the homework away.

One of two things will happen:

• Either they’ll keep crying and break down further which gives you the chance to swoop in and give some serious cuddling.
• Or they’ll stop the crying to get their homework back. 

When this happens, you know that the tantrum was manipulative.  It was to get something out of you, whether it was the answers or your step-by-step coaching. 

#3 We need to teach kids to motivate themselves

We ‘re all forced to do unpleasant tasks (hello, pooper scoop in the backyard!) And yet, by the time we’re adults, we know how to push through those less-than-desirable tasks to achieve the results we’re after.

Read: The Four Skills Kids Must Master in Elementary School Homework

In fact, this is a necessary qualification to be successful. If success were all fun, everyone would get there.

We must treat homework the same.

• Those twenty math facts need to be practiced.
• Those spelling words you don’t know how to spell need to be written.
• That math worksheet you’re scared of: the quicker you’re into it, the quicker you’re out. 

As a parent, we don’t have the time or energy to be a constant cheerleader to our kids. 

And, even if we did, it wouldn’t serve them in the long run. 

That’s OK because I’ll teach you strategies that you can then teach your children on how to motivate themselves through difficult (and boring) assignments. 

The Answer to Homework Hell

When our kids complain through nightly homework, it digs into us.  I’m hesitant to say it causes us physical pain, but it kind of does.

However, by stepping back, not trying to reason with emotions and teaching our kids how to motivate themselves, we will see improvement.

Our kids will fight us less.

Homework time will be less of a dreaded task. 

If homework is a struggle and you need support as a parent, go get my book Drama Free Homework: A Parent’s Guide to Eliminating Homework Battles and Raising Focused Kids. In it, I walk you through creating a homework routine that’s right for your family.

Want me to PERSONALLY teach your child the necessary homework skills?  Then, Homework 911 is for you. 

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Children Throw Tantrums and Emotional Meltdown: How to Handle Them

By susan kiuah

When your children are throwing tantrums and having emotional meltdowns, most parents will quickly feel anxious. Today, we are going to discuss why children throw tantrums and how you handle their emotional meltdowns.

Disciplining children can be a difficult task, especially when they are in the midst of an emotional meltdown brought on by frustration or anger.

When they are small, parents have to deal with tantrums differently than if their child is older. 

As kids get older, it becomes easier for them to communicate their needs and desires. 

When a child is in his pre-school years, the parents still need to be a parent but they should also try to help their kids learn problem-solving strategies.

Disciplining your child when he or she is having a tantrum will teach them how to cope with frustration next time it happens. 

It will also set a good example for your child to follow when they are the parents of their own children. 

A parent can never let anger get in the way of doing what is right for his or her child, and it’s important to not discipline out of anger either.

Why Children Throw Tantrums and Have Emotional Meltdown

Children throw tantrums because they are angry or frustrated about something. When they don’t get their way, kids will often act like bratty monsters until their parent gives them what it is they want. 

Basically, children act out when they feel like the rules don’t apply to them and they don’t have to abide by them.

When a child is thrown into an emotional meltdown, it’s often because he or she feels like they are not getting their way. When pre-schoolers experience frustration and anger, they don’t know how to control their emotions and therefore let them turn into something much bigger problems.

What Children Can Be Expected to Do in Tantrums and Emotional Meltdown

One thing you need to understand about children is that they can’t do anything and everything. 

There are things you’re going to expect them to learn and accomplish no matter what their age is. 

For example, you can expect a two-year-old child not to be able to use the toilet on his own or bathe without supervision. 

Or if he’s four, you can expect him to not be able to do his homework without help and fail at waiting for a turn when playing with other kids.

When it comes to tantrums or emotional meltdowns, you can expect your child not to be able to control their anger properly . 

They will throw fits and pout over something they can’t have or a situation they don’t want to deal with.

When a two-year-old is frustrated, he will be unable to communicate without tears and anger. 

Related Topic: Kid with Temper Tantrum

He will throw things, hit his parents, and scream until he gets what he wants. You can expect your child at that age to not know how to solve problems on their own.

When kids are between the ages of three and ten years old, they will go through many changes that include language development, motor skills, social skills, and independence. 

At this time, you can expect your child to act out if he or she isn’t getting their way. It’s also at this age where children learn how to say what they mean, so it’s no longer necessary for them to throw tantrums to get their way.

How To Handle Emotional Meltdowns and Tantrums

If your child is having a meltdown during the first few years of his or her life, you can expect that they won’t be able to handle these outbursts without your help. 

It will be necessary for you to guide them through these times and teach them how to properly handle frustration. 

For example, if your child is frustrated because the toy he wants is locked up, don’t just give in right away. 

You can explain to him that there’s a time and place for everything and when something belongs in the store, it’s not okay for him to take it out. 

Or if he is frustrated because you’re trying to get him dressed, tell him that he’ll have his own clothes on when the time is right and ask him what he wants to wear while you help him into his clothing.

What Happens When a Child Has a Meltdown or Is Having a Tantrum?

When a child is throwing a tantrum or has an emotional meltdown, it’s because they are having problems dealing with frustration. 

They don’t know how to handle what they’re feeling and as a result, they end up acting out. 

It comes from their inability to communicate properly, which leads them to not be able to handle outbursts in a calm manner.

While it’s important to understand why these emotional meltdowns and tantrums happen, it’s also important to learn how to handle them and prevent them from happening again. 

Many parents don’t know the proper way to do this and end up giving in to their child’s demands because they feel like there is nothing they can do. 

It only teaches the child that throwing a fit is okay and gives them an opportunity to keep acting out.

How to Stop Meltdowns and Tantrums Before They Start

When you find yourself dealing with a frustrated child, you need to learn how to stop these emotional meltdowns before they even begin. 

Instead of giving in to their demands and letting them get what they want, you should try to stop the situation before it gets too far. 

This can be done by distracting your child or encouraging him or her to do something else that will take their mind off of the frustrating situation.

Distracting Your Child

If your child is throwing a fit because he didn’t like the green beans you served for dinner, try distracting him by saying he can have something else that he likes better. 

It will give you the opportunity to offer him a healthier meal instead of giving in just because your child isn’t satisfied with what’s being served.

Encouraging Your Child to Do Otherwise

If your child is having a meltdown when you try to get him dressed, encourage him to do something else. 

You can offer a book or make-believe tea party while you gather the clothing he’ll need for the day.

Why It’s Important to Stop These Emotional Outbursts Before They Happen

If you fail to stop your child from having an emotional meltdown or throwing a tantrum, you’re just making it more difficult for him or her to handle the situation in the future. 

Instead of dealing with your child’s emotional meltdown head-on, you’ll find yourself saying “No!” or putting up a fight every time something happens that disappoints them. 

It will not only make it harder for your child to get used to the idea of having limits, but it will also make them feel like they can always get their way.

Are Children’s Meltdowns Normal?

When your child is having an emotional meltdown, you may wonder whether this is normal or not. 

You may have already checked with your family or friends to see if all kids go through it and found out that they do. 

Of course, there are some families who don’t allow their child to throw a fit because they think it’s wrong.

At the end of the day, you have to understand that many children are going through an emotional meltdown. 

They can’t communicate their feelings in a mature manner so they use temper tantrums to get what they want. 

This does not always mean that your child will grow out of it or needs any type of intervention. 

Instead, this just means that in some cases children need help in being able to communicate their feelings.

How to Handle Tantrums and Emotional Meltdown

When your child has an emotional meltdown or tantrum, you need to handle the situation as calmly as possible. 

It means that you should not scream at him or try to punish him. 

Instead, you should explain to him why he is being punished or you can pick another method of discipline that’s going to be effective without scaring your child into thinking they’ll always get in trouble for not listening.

If a tantrum occurs over something as simple as your child wanting a new toy, try offering them a different toy that’s similar to the one they wanted. 

This will take their mind off of what occurred and give them a different toy that’ll make them happy. 

Instead of giving in because you want your child to be happy, try offering a different toy instead to avoid situations like this from happening again in the future.

The best way to stop your child from having an emotional meltdown is by distracting them or encouraging them to do something else. 

You can also learn how to deal with tantrums in a calm manner without screaming, lecturing, or punishing your child afterward. 

This will help you create better habits for your children and teach them that they cannot always expect to get their way.

When you’re having a hard time handling your child’s meltdowns, try taking a deep breath and explaining to them that there is another option. 

This will not only give them an opportunity to be happy, but it’ll also teach them that they can’t always get what they want in life and they need to learn how to deal with disappointments.

When you start offering your kids other ways to fix the situation at hand, you’ll find that it’s much easier for them to learn how to deal with their emotions in a mature manner. 

Handling children throw tantrums is something they’re going to need as they grow up and it’ll help them be successful when they go out into the world as well as help them be a better individual in the future.

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Homework Temper Tantrums: What Can I Do?

• September 1, 2019

You are not alone!  For many parents, the weeknight battle of what amounts to a temper tantrum over homework may lead to a contest of wills.  Arguing, while it is exhausting and resolves nothing on either side, is a form of distraction.  Resistance can come in many ways, such as a verbal fight, or bouts of slamming doors, screaming and crying.  While children can sucker you into a power struggle, the outcome serves no purpose except an extended period of wasted time; therefore, avoid arguing and stating threats.

The reason most children struggle with the act of starting homework is they identify home with a place of refuge and connection.  The idea of coming home after a long day of school sends their brains into a free-time mode comprising relaxation, snacks, and television. The solution is not sitting by your child’s side to confirm directions and answers; instead, begin a routine using the following suggestions.

• Do not keep your struggles at home a secret or wait and hope his or her behavior improves.Involving the teachers, counselor, and principal will establish a relationship of open communication and, in turn, ease the frustration at home.
• Similar to the act of performing chores, homework is part of home life. It requires a pact between child and parent. Allow your child to have a 45-minute break after coming home and then agree upon a time to begin schoolwork. (Expect kindergarten children to be exhausted their first two weeks of school.  Their behavior will improve!  Be patient!)
• Agree upon a location to study. Despite the wisdom of having a desk in a child’s bedroom, every possible distraction is present there. Considering open rooms such as a den, kitchen, or dining room table can accommodate the need for a common area.  Most children work more efficiently with other children and an adult present.  It creates an environment similar to the classroom.
• Create a “house rule” to establish a quiet hour within the home. Preschool children, especially, can comply with the rule by coloring or practicing writing letters and numbers. Parents can set an example by reading.  (Turn homework into an hour of luxury!)
• Breaks are a necessity; therefore, discuss a schedule, which may include a downtime lasting ten minutes. The benefits of a child playing, for instance, basketball in the driveway, taking a quick bike ride, or running outdoors with the dog can increase the mental energy needed to finish assigned tasks.
• Parents often become responsible for their child’s homework. Whether it is receiving the assignments online or through an e-mail, the responsibility is not yours. Children must assume all accountability, which includes earning the grade.  Focus on talking about successes, as well as reflecting upon what is working to his or advantage.  If a student can understand how to redirect failure into success, he or she will try to achieve positive outcomes!
• If your child insists you sit with him, ask him or her to read the directions and explain the assignment. Children will depend on you, unless you leave the room; therefore, give your child time to complete a few problems independently.  Another tactic is allowing the chance to ask only three questions.  Rather than bombard you with questions, the request must be of value!
• Parents can help their children understand practical ways to ease frustration. Rather than reading, substitute an audiobook, or create flashcards to study spelling or vocabulary words. The goal is for children to become self-sufficient, which may require offering teachable lessons on time management or organization.
• The cries of help need to be understood. The explanation may be due to sadness, anxiety, or exhaustion. Beyond the communication received from teachers and school staff, constant temper tantrums may require a deeper understanding of what is driving the behavior. A doctor may assist with answers.

The goal of homework is to review lessons learned in school.  Every assignment, despite the student’s dislike of reading, writing, or computing, is essential.  Regardless of the feelings of frustration or exhaustion, focus your child’s attention on the rewards of completion.  Homework should not consume hours.  There must be ample time for family, and friends, and most importantly, self-interests!

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The Sad Truth About Tantrum Triggers

Your child’s outbursts are not random. her tantrums often follow on the heels of a mistake that triggers feelings of failure or frustration. these emotional-control strategies can help..

Emotional Control

Emotional control , is the ability to manage your feelings in order to achieve goals, complete tasks, or direct behavior. Some kids with attention deficit handle their emotions just fine; others don’t. What's true for every child: Empathy works well.

Practice Forgiveness

Encourage your child to forgive herself for mistakes. Emotional upset is caused less by specific situations or events and more by what we tell ourselves about that situation. For example, if your child is upset about forgetting her homework, help her redirect that anger into planning ways she can remember to bring it tomorrow.

Create a 5-Point Scale

Use a scale to help your child gauge how upset she is and help her make a coping strategy for each step. The scale might look like this:

• This doesn’t bother me at all.
• I can talk myself down.
• I can feel my heart speeding up...I’ll take 10  deep breaths to relax.
• OK, this is getting to me, I probably need to “take 5” to regroup.
• I'm about to have a meltdown and lose emotional control – I need to leave the situation for a few minutes.

[ Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant? ]

Write It Out

Work with your child to create a one-paragraph “social story” that addresses a child’s problem situation – getting in trouble on the playground, the disappointment that comes with earning a bad grade, nervousness when the student has to perform in front of a group – and ends happily with a coping strategy, not a loss of emotional control .

Give Praise

Be sure to point out when your child shows good emotional control and give praise where it’s due. You could say, “I saw how angry you were, but you kept your cool. Nice job.”

Get Some Shuteye

Make sure your child gets enough sleep . Fatigue increases problems with emotional control. Schedules and daily routines help children better regulate their emotions, because they know what they have to handle and do.

Develop a Plan of Action

Help your child plan for problem situations by coming up with some coping strategies together. For example, when a situation gets heated, your child can let you know when she needs a break. Other self-soothing strategies include holding a favorite stuffed animal (for a younger child) or listening to relaxing music on an MP3 player (for an older child).

[ How Do You Recharge After Your Child Has a Temper Tantrum? ]

Craft a Hard-Times Board

Help your child create a “hard-times board.” List three categories on it:

• The triggers–what makes your child upset
• The can’t-do’s – the behavior that’s not permitted at times of upset, and
• The can-do’s – two or three coping strategies (draw a picture, take a five-minute break, get a drink of water) to help her recover from being upset. Commend your child when she uses one of the coping strategies from her board.

Lead by Example

Show your child how you cope with emotional upset. For instance, explain how if you find yourself getting cranky and you’re afraid you might say something mean, set the timer for three minutes and take a time-out to calm down. Strategies that work for you may also work for your child.

Read All About It

Read books on emotional control with your child. What to Do When Your Temper Flares and What to Do When You Worry Too Much , both by Dawn Huebner, describe coping strategies for taking control over unpleasant emotions.

[ Self-Test: Does Your Child Have Oppositional Defiant Disorder? ]

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Atrius Health

Managing tantrums in school-aged children, difficulty with self-regulation, don't react in the moment, create a calm-down zone.

• Coloring books
• Fidget gadgets
• Bouncy balls
• Calming music
• Stuffed animals

Encourage a Break

• Reading a book
• Coloring a picture
• Movement: Running, walking, jumping jacks, bear crawls
• Drinking water
• Listening to music
• GoNoodle ® is a free, web-based platform that provides active screen time for children. The site includes over 300+ videos, activities, and games that get kids up and moving in an engaging, safe way. Using this tool is a great way to have kids exert physical energy during tense times.

Practice Emotional Self-Reflection

About The Author

Emily Sammartino, LCSW

Emily Sammartino, LCSW, joined Atrius Health in 2021 and practices at our Chelmsford office. Her clinical interests include children and adolescents, trauma, and personality disorders. Emily currently helps run a teen trauma group at Atrius Health and sees clients individually. She has received training and is well-versed in cognitive processing therapy and trauma-focused behavioral therapy. Emily is a graduate of Boston College School of Social Work with a concentration in trauma and clinical mental health. Before joining Atrius Health, Emily worked at The Boston Center, a partial hospital program for children and adolescents, and in the Waltham Public Schools. In both settings, she delivered evidence-based groups and held an individual case-load of at-risk youth.

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Are My Kid’s Tantrums Abnormal?

If your toddler’s meltdowns are atypically frequent or intense, there might be something more going on.

Credit... The New York Times

Supported by

By Paul L. Underwood

• April 17, 2020

This guide was originally published on Dec. 10, 2019 in NYT Parenting.

All preschool-age children throw tantrums, which is not news to anyone who has witnessed a hungry 2-year-old’s reaction to being told that, no, the doorknob is not a toy.

But one in nine children has an underlying clinical disorder that can be tied to particularly severe tantrums, according to research by Dr. Helen L. Egger, M.D., chair of the department of child and adolescent psychiatry at New York University Langone Health.

Atypical or severe tantrums, which are often marked by extreme aggression, high frequency, suddenness and specific triggers, are often the first (and easiest to recognize) sign of a behavioral, mood or anxiety disorder. If identified, these disorders can often be treated, and intervention can help children begin a path toward a healthy and happy social life. Happily for parents, there may also be a reduction in severe tantrums.

But how do you determine whether your child’s most extreme meltdowns are outside the norm? To help parents both identify and seek treatment for such tantrums, I spoke with three child psychiatrists about their recommendations and their research. You can find more information on taming typical childhood tantrums in this guide .

• During the tantrum, first make sure your child is safe.
• Pay attention to the duration, causes and frequency of your child’s tantrums.
• Seek professional help.
• Determine the underlying diagnosis.
• Proceed with treatment.
• Monitor your child’s interactions.

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