being a fangirl essay

How Being A Fangirl Changed My Life

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This piece originally appeared on Femsplain.com . Femsplain is a community for everyone, powered by personal stories from anyone female-identified.

I was not always a music fangirl.

In fact, I would count 2015 as only my second year as a full-time Stan (if you don’t know what a Stan is, refer to Twitter and that one Eminem song). High school was soundtracked by pretty tame stuff, save for a few alt tunes that I discovered through NPR and kept on my iPod because their mere presence made me feel super sophisticated. But as I entered my junior year at college, and the prospect of "real life" seemed to be chasing me down with impressive speed, I relied on music. At first it was a nice form of escapism. Delving into pop-rock albums made me feel as if I was the subject of a John Hughes flick instead of a boring, normal college kid. But the more I listened, the more I figured out how the music was causing a change in me while simultaneously being its backdrop.

I was always a straight-A, preternaturally serious teenager. I didn’t go to concerts; I went to debate tournaments. I loved Banana Republic and shunned the hazy music festival summers my friends indulged in. I needed to get into a good college and get a hefty scholarship. I was way too impatient for the "quests for self discovery" that my peers sought through Death Cab and Mumford. It wasn’t until I got to college and reclaimed my inner fangirl that I realized how special it is to fall in love with bands, and bands fronted by women in particular. Haim, SZA, Angel Olsen—they all provided the soundtrack for my own change in perspective. I became disillusioned with what I used to want, and instead became enchanted with music and music enthusiasts. You can fall in love with a band quite easily if you love their fan culture as well.

I spent the better part of last August traversing the West Coast, going to Haim concerts and meeting other superfans. In the middle of a packed audience at FYF in Los Angeles, I found a cohort of twentysomething Haim fans. We took turns making Este Haim’s signature bass face and chatted about how cool it is that women can unapologetically rock. The smart, passionate, hysterically funny young women that populated the concert crowds became some of my best friends. I changed from someone who harbored a gross amount of internalized misogyny—rolling my eyes at girls in skater skirts and choker necklaces—to a champion of fangirls and everything they love.

I am by no means knowledgeable or infallible when it comes to gender issues. But the intersecting worlds of social media and social justice have opened my eyes to slights against women in music that I just can’t abide. I’m glad I’ve changed—my transition to music fangirl has helped me embrace a pro-feminism culture that accepts and encourages women of all stripes. I’m just continually frustrated that sometimes the music industry seems sluggish to adapt to its consumers’ more progressive outlook on gender. I think I’ll tear my hair out if I read one more article that attributes the entirety of a woman musician’s craft to her hyped male producer. Charli XCX ecutive produced her slam-dunk of a pop-punk album, Sucker, yet her male producers are given all too much credit for the aesthetic and ideas she so deliberately cultivated. And even when women’s involvement in making their music is left unquestioned, they are sexualized or described in the most infantilizing, condescending gendered terms. They are called "innocent," "naïve" and "soft." I have never seen the Haim sisters as anything less than ferocious in their talent and audacity. But they are coded as easy, breezy Valley girls whose luscious locks are written about more than their shredding abilities.

Change can be difficult. I don’t feel as sure or steady in what I want anymore, or what my career priorities are. I just know I want to support bands and the people that love them—particularly women in music. I owe most of this change to the fangirls who launch these bands’ careers and endlessly encourage them. They form a family of sorts—cheering from the stage barrier and then resuming their lives, striving for their own personal goals while being inspired by the band’s bigger ones. But they’re also a family that looks out for its own, and that demands change in the music industry. We need writers who respect the young women on stage and in the audience, and labels that trust women’s visions for their own work. It’s a frustrating yet worthwhile pursuit—talking to any fangirl at a festival or concert will quickly prove that to you.

—Nellie Gayle

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