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The importance of knowing yourself: your key to fulfillment

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What does it mean to know yourself?

The importance and benefits of knowing one's self, how to know yourself better, how to improve your self-knowledge, how coaching can help.

Think of the most eccentric person in your life. You know the one. 

The one who either shows up in a disheveled leather jacket or an all-black outfit and a beret. They’re somewhat aloof but always energetic. Unapologetically flamboyant, but always kind and understanding. This person chooses to be themselves, not who they’re expected to be. 

They don’t care about the world’s expectations. This sometimes gets them into trouble or attracts judging glares from nearby strangers. But, you have to admit, it would be nice to have that kind of self-confidence . And you can!

In a world rife with expectations, living authentically can feel impossible. It feels easier to have your path planned for you. But, in the long run, this will only hold you back from living a fulfilling life.

The great philosopher Socrates said it himself: “To know thyself is the beginning of wisdom.” 

So if you’re wondering whether authenticity is worth pursuing, the short answer is “yes.” And, for the detail-oriented among you, here’s everything you need to know about the importance of knowing yourself — so you too can find your true self.

Knowing yourself is about discovering what makes you tick. Among other things, it means:

• Learning your likes and dislikes
• Unearthing your beliefs and values
• Knowing your personal boundaries
• Accepting your personality traits
• Being a better team player
• Having a clearer path in your professional life
• Understanding how you interact with others
• Recognizing your core personal values
• Increasing your capacity for self-compassion
• Having a clearer idea of your life’s purpose
• Knowing what it takes to be self-motivated
• Being more adaptable  

Ultimately, all of these things will increase your self-awareness . Being more self-aware lends to enhanced self-development, acceptance, and proactivity while benefiting our overall mental health .

We’ll be more confident, make better decisions, have stronger relationships, and be more honest .

Knowing yourself is about knowing what makes you tick. It means identifying what matters to you, your strengths and weaknesses, your behaviors, tendencies, and thought patterns. This list describes the importance and benefits of knowing one's self:

1. Despite your quirks, flaws, and insecurities, you learn self-love and acceptance. Once you do, you can walk through the world with more confidence and care less about what people think. 

2. You can change your personality flaws and improve on your weaknesses. You are empowered to become who you want to be. This will help you become a better, more well-rounded person.

3. You’ll have more emotional intelligence , which is key to knowing others. You’ll be more conscious of your own emotions and feelings, making it easier to understand another person's point of view.

4. You'll be more confident. Self-doubt disappears when you know and accept yourself, and others won't influence you as easily. It'll be easier to stand your ground .

5. You’ll forge better relationships. It’s easier to share yourself when you know yourself. You’ll also know what kind of people you get along with, so you can find your community .

6. You’ll be less stressed. Self-awareness will help you make decisions that are better for you. And when this happens, you become less stressed about what people think or whether you made the right choice. 

7. You’ll break patterns of disappointment. Y ou'll find repetitive behaviors that lead to poor outcomes when you look inward. Once you name them, you can break them.

8. You’ll be happier. Expressing who you are, loud and proud, will help you improve your well-being.

10. You'll have more self-worth. Why is self-worth important? Because it helps you avoid compromising your core values and beliefs. Valuing yourself also teaches others to respect you.

11. You'll understand your values. We can’t understate the importance of knowing your values. They will help you make decisions aligned with who you are and what you care about.

12. You'll find purpose in life. Knowing purpose in life will give you a clear idea of where you should go and what you should do. 

Getting to know yourself is hard. It involves deep self-reflection, honesty, and confronting parts of yourself you might be afraid of. But it’s a fundamental part of self-improvement .

If you need help, try working with a professional. BetterUp can help you navigate your inner world.

Now that we’re clear on the importance of knowing yourself, you might not know where to get started. Let’s get into it.

Check your VITALS

Author Meg Selig coined the term VITALS as a guide for developing self-knowledge. Its letters spell out the six core pillars of self-understanding:

These are your guides for decision-making and setting your goals. Understanding them will help you make decisions aligned with your authentic self. Here are some example values:

• Being helpful
• Trust 
• Wealth 

You can see how each of these might lead to different life choices. For example, if you value honesty, you might quit a job where you have to lie to others.

2. I nterests

Your interests are what you do without being asked, like your hobbies, passions, and causes you care about. You can then try to align your work with these interests. Here are some examples:

• Climate change. If you’re passionate about this issue, you might choose to work directly on the problem. Or you can make choices that allow for a more sustainable lifestyle, like owning an electric car.
• Audio editing. Perhaps you’re an amateur musician, and you spend your time recording and editing audio. You can start working as a freelance editor or find a job that uses these skills.
• Fitness. If you love working out and value helping others, you might consider becoming a trainer at your local gym or leading a running group.

Not all of your interests need to be a side-hustle . But being aware of them can help you make decisions that better suit your desired life. It is really about knowing your priorities.

3. T emperament

Your temperament describes where your energy comes from. You might be an introvert and value being alone. Or, as an extrovert, you find energy being around others.

Knowing your temperament will help you communicate your needs to others. 

If you’re a meticulous planner going on a trip, you should communicate this to your more spontaneous travel buddy. They might feel suffocated by your planning, leading to arguments down the road. Bringing it up before your trip will help talk it out to avoid conflict later.

4. A round-the-clock activities

This refers to when you like to do things. If you’re a writer and you’re more creative at night, carve out time in the evening to work. If you prefer working out in the morning, make it happen. Aligning your schedule with your internal clock will make you a happier human being.

5. L ife-mission and goals

Knowing your life mission is about knowing what gives your life meaning. It gives you purpose, a vocation , and something to strive for.

To find your life mission, think about what events were most meaningful to you so far. For example:

• Leading a successful project at the office
• Influencing positive change through your work
• Helping someone else succeed

There are many ways to fulfill a life mission. You can fulfill your goals with the skills and resources you have. For example, “helping someone succeed” could mean becoming a teacher or mentoring a young professional.

6. S trengths and weaknesses

These include both “hard skills” (like industry-specific knowledge and talents) and “soft skills” (like communication or emotional intelligence ).

When you do what you’re good at, you’re more likely to succeed, which will improve your morale and mental health.

Knowing your weaknesses and toxic traits will help you improve on them or minimize their influence on your life.

Are you ready to get started? There are many ways to understand your inner self:

• Write in a journal
• Step out of your comfort zone
• Track your progress
• Choose smart habits

A professional coach will encourage you to reflect on and reframe your inner thoughts and patterns. They understand that, in many cases, impulsivity holds you back from attaining your full potential.

The amygdala — an almond-sized region of the brain partially responsible for emotions — releases dopamine to reinforce impulsive behavior . This happens every time you open Facebook instead of working, eat chocolate while on a diet, or get angry at your colleagues instead of helping solve the problem.

Self-awareness can help you overcome your impulsivity. Armed with the right tools, you can break unhealthy or unwanted behaviors. 

A coach can help you meet these ends. They can teach you:

• Mindfulness: the acceptance that nothing is inherently good or bad 
• Metacognition: the awareness that your mind is the root of your actions
• Reframing: the power to react differently to an event or circumstance

These three elements can help you strengthen your self-control . You'll keep a cool head in stressful situations, communicate more effectively with others, and become a better leader overall.

In other words: by checking in with yourself, you avoid wrecking yourself.

At BetterUp , our coaches are trained in Inner Work® and understand the importance of knowing yourself. This is a lifetime journey. But together, we can make your life better.

Understand Yourself Better:

Big 5 Personality Test

Allaya Cooks-Campbell

With over 15 years of content experience, Allaya Cooks Campbell has written for outlets such as ScaryMommy, HRzone, and HuffPost. She holds a B.A. in Psychology and is a certified yoga instructor as well as a certified Integrative Wellness & Life Coach. Allaya is passionate about whole-person wellness, yoga, and mental health.

The benefits of knowing yourself: Why you should become your own best friend

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UConn Today

August 7, 2018 | Kenneth Best - UConn Communications

Know Thyself: The Philosophy of Self-Knowledge

Dating back to an ancient Greek inscription, the injunction to 'know thyself' has encouraged people to engage in a search for self-understanding. Philosophy professor Mitchell Green discusses its history and relevance to the present.

From Socrates to today's undergraduates, philosophy professor Mitchell Green discusses the history and current relevance of the human quest for self-knowledge. (Getty Images)

UConn philosopher Mitchell S. Green leads a Massive Open Online Course (MOOC) titled Know Thyself: The Value and Limits of Self-Knowledge  on the online learning platform Coursera. The course is based on his 2018 book (published by Routledge) of the same name. He recently spoke with Ken Best of UConn Today about the philosophy and understanding of self-knowledge. This is an edited transcript of their discussion.

Q. ‘Know Thyself’ was carved into stone at the entrance to Apollo’s temple at Delphi in Greece, according to legend. Scholars, philosophers, and civilizations have debated this question for a long time. Why have we not been able to find the answer?

A. I’m not sure that every civilization or even most civilizations have taken the goal to achieve self-knowledge as being among the most important ones. It comes and goes. It did have cachet in the Greece of 300-400 BC. Whether it had similar cachet 200 years later or had something like cultural importance in the heyday of Roman civilization is another question. Of course some philosophers would have enjoined people to engage in a search for self-understanding; some not so much. Likewise, think about the Middle Ages. There’s a case in which we don’t get a whole lot of emphasis on knowing the self, instead the focus was on knowing God. It’s only when Descartes comes on the scene centuries later that we begin to get more of a focus on introspection and understanding ourselves by looking within. Also, the injunction to “know thyself” is not a question, and would have to be modified in some way to pose a question. However, suppose the question is, “Is it possible to know oneself, either in part or fully.” In that case, I’d suggest that we’ve made considerable progress in answering this question over the last two millennia, and in the Know Thyself book, and in the MOOC of the same name, I try to guide readers and students through some of what we have learned.

Q. You point out that the shift Descartes brought about is a turning point in Western philosophy.

A. Right. It’s for various reasons cultural, political, economic, and ideological that the norm of self-knowledge has come and gone with the tides through Western history. Even if we had been constantly enjoined to achieve self-knowledge for the 2,300 years since the time Socrates spoke, just as Sigmund Freud said about civilization – that civilization is constantly being created anew and everyone being born has to work their way up to being civilized being – so, too, the project of achieving self-knowledge is a project for every single new member of our species. No one can be given it at birth. It’s not an achievement you get for free like a high IQ or a prominent chin. Continuing to beat that drum, to remind people of the importance of that, is something we’ll always be doing. I’m doubtful we’ll ever reach a point we can all say: Yup, we’re good on that. We’ve got that covered, we’ve got self-knowledge down. That’s a challenge for each of us, every time somebody is born. I would also say, given the ambient, environmental factors as well as the predilections that we’re born with as part of our cognitive and genetic nature, there are probably pressures that push against self-knowledge as well. For instance, in the book I talk about the cognitive immune system that tends to make us spin information in our own favor. When something goes bad, there’s a certain part of us, hopefully within bounds, that tends to see the glass as half full rather than half empty. That’s probably a good way of getting yourself up off the floor after you’ve been knocked down.

Q. Retirement planners tell us you’re supposed to know yourself well enough to know what your needs are going to be – create art or music, or travel – when you have all of your time to use. At what point should that point of getting to know yourself better begin?

A. I wouldn’t encourage a 9-year-old to engage in a whole lot of self-scrutiny, but I would say even when you’re young some of those indirect, especially self-distancing, types of activities, can be of value. Imagine a 9-year-old gets in a fight on the playground and a teacher asks him: Given what you said to the other kid that provoked the fight, if he had said that to you, how would you feel? That might be intended to provoke an inkling of self-knowledge – if not in the form of introspection, in the form of developing empathetic skills, which I think is part of self-knowledge because it allows me to see myself through another’s eyes. Toward the other end of the lifespan, I’d also say in my experience lots of people who are in, or near, retirement have the idea they’re going to stop working and be really happy. But I find in some cases that this expectation is not realistic because so many people find so much fulfillment, and rightly so, in their work. I would urge people to think about what it is that gives them satisfaction? Granted we sometimes find ourselves spitting nails as we think about the challenges our jobs present to us. But in some ways that frequent grumbling, the kind of hair-pulling stress and so forth, these might be part of what makes life fulfilling. More importantly, long-term projects, whether as part of one’s career or post-career, tend I think to provide more intellectual and emotional sustenance than do the more ephemeral activities such as cruises, safaris, and the like.

Q. We’re on a college campus with undergraduates trying to learn more about themselves through what they’re studying. They’re making decisions on what they might want to do with the rest of their life, taking classes like philosophy that encourage them to think about this. Is this an optimal time for this to take place?

A. For many students it’s an optimal time. I consider one component of a liberal arts education to be that of cultivation of the self. Learning a lot of stuff is important, but in some ways that’s just filling, which might be inert unless we give it form, or structure. These things can be achieved through cultivation of the self, and if you want to do that you have to have some idea of how you want it to grow and develop, which requires some inkling of what kind of person you think you are and what you think you can be. Those are achievements that students can only attain by trying things and seeing what happens. I am not suggesting that a freshman should come to college and plan in some rigorous and lockstep way to learn about themselves, cultivate themselves, and bring themselves into fruition as some fully formed adult upon graduation. Rather, there is much more messiness; much more unpredictable try things, it doesn’t work, throw it aside, try something else. In spite of all that messiness and ambient chaos, I would also say in the midst of that there is potential for learning about yourself; taking note of what didn’t go well, what can I learn from that? Or that was really cool, I’d like to build on that experience and do more of it. Those are all good ways of both learning about yourself and constructing yourself. Those two things can go hand-in-hand. Self-knowledge, self-realization, and self-scrutiny can happen, albeit in an often messy and unpredictable way for undergraduates. It’s also illusory for us to think at age 22 we can put on our business clothes and go to work and stop with all that frivolous self-examination. I would urge that acquiring knowledge about yourself, understanding yourself is a lifelong task.

Q. There is the idea that you should learn something new every day. A lot of people who go through college come to understand this, while some think after graduation, I’m done with that. Early in the book, you talk about Socrates’ defense of himself when accused of corrupting students by teaching them in saying: I know what I don’t know, which is why I ask questions.

It seems to me the beginning of wisdom of any kind, including knowledge of ourselves, is acknowledgment of the infirmity of our beliefs and the paucity of our knowledge. — Mitchell S. Green

A. That’s very important insight on his part. That’s something I would be inclined to yell from the rooftops, in the sense that one big barrier to achieving anything in the direction of self-knowledge is hubris, thinking that we do know, often confusing our confidence in our opinions with thinking that confidence is an indication of my degree of correctness. We feel sure, and take that surety itself to be evidence of the truth of what we think. Socrates is right to say that’s a cognitive error, that’s fallacious reasoning. We should ask ourselves: Do I know what I take myself to know? It seems to me the beginning of wisdom of any kind, including knowledge of ourselves, is acknowledgment of the infirmity of our beliefs and the paucity of our knowledge; the fact that opinions we have might just be opinions. It’s always astonishing to me the disparity between the confidence with which people express their opinions, on one hand, and the negligible ability they have to back them up, especially those opinions that go beyond just whether they’re hungry or prefer chocolate over vanilla. Those are things over which you can probably have pretty confident opinions. But when it comes to politics or science, history or human psychology, it’s surprising to me just how gullible people are, not because they believe what other people say, so to speak, but rather they believe what they themselves say. They tend to just say: Here is what I think. It seems obvious to me and I’m not willing to even consider skeptical objections to my position.

Q. You also bring into the fold the theory of adaptive unconscious – that we observe and pick up information but we don’t realize it at the time. How much does that feed into people thinking that they know themselves better than they do and know more than they think they do?

A. It’s huge. There’s a chapter in the book on classical psychoanalysis and Freud. I argue that the Freudian legacy is a broken one, in the sense that while his work is incredibly interesting – he made a lot of provocative and ingenious claims interesting – surprisingly few of them have been borne out with empirical evidence. This is a less controversial view than it was in the past. Experimental psychologists in the 1970s and 80s began to ask how many of those Freudian claims about the unconscious can be established in a rigorous, experimental way? The theory of the adaptive unconscious is an attempt to do that; to find out how much of the unconscious mind that Freud posited is real, and what is it like. One of the main findings is that the unconscious mind is not quite as bound up, obsessed with, sexuality and violence as posited by Freud. It’s still a very powerful system, but not necessarily a thing to be kept at bay in the way psychoanalysis would have said. According to Freud, a great deal with the unconscious poses a constant threat to the well-functioning of civilized society, whereas for people like Tim Wilson, Tanya Chartrand, Daniel Gilbert, Joseph LeDoux, Paul Ekman, and many others, we’ve got a view that says that in many ways having an adaptive unconsciousness is a useful thing, an outsourcing of lots of cognition. It allows us to process information, interpret it, without having to consciously, painstakingly, and deliberately calculate things. It’s really good in many ways that we have adaptive unconscious. On the other hand, it tends to predispose us, for example, to things like prejudice. Today there is a discussion about so-called implicit bias, which has taught us that because we grew up watching Hollywood movies where protagonist heroes were white or male, or both; saw stereotypes in advertising that have been promulgated – that experience, even if I have never had a consciously bigoted, racist, or sexist thought in my life, can still cause me to make choices that are biased. That’s a part of the message on the theory of adaptive unconscious we would want to take very seriously and be worried about, because it can affect our choices in ways that we’re not aware of.

Q. With all of this we’ve discussed, what kind of person would know themselves well?

A. Knowing oneself well would, I suspect, be a multi-faceted affair, only one part of which would have to do with introspection as that notion is commonly understood. One of these facets involves acknowledging your limitations, “owning them” as my Department of Philosophy colleague Heather Battaly would put it. Those limitations can be cognitive – my lousy memory that distorts information, my tendency to sugarcoat any bad news I may happen to receive? Take the example of a professor reading student evaluations. It’s easy to forget the negative ones and remember the positive ones – a case of “confirmation bias,” as that term is used in psychology. Knowing that I tend to do that, if that’s what I tend to do, allows me to take a second look, as painful as it might be. Again, am I overly critical of others? Do I tend to look at the glass as overly half full or overly half empty? Those are all limitations of the emotional kind, or at least have an important affective dimension. I suspect a person who knows herself well knows how to spot the characteristic ways in which she “spins” or otherwise distorts positive or negative information, and can then step back from such reactions, rather than taking them as the last word.

I’d also go back to empathy, knowing how to see things from another person’s point of view. It is not guaranteed to, but is often apt to allow me to see myself more effectively, too. If I can to some extent put myself into your shoes, then I also have the chance to be able to see myself through your eyes and that might get me to realize things difficult to see from the first-person perspective. Empathizing with others who know me might, for instance, help to understand why they sometimes find me overbearing, cloying, or quick to judge.

Q. What would someone gain in self-knowledge by listening to someone appraising them and speaking to them about how well they knew them? How does that dynamic help?

A. It can help, but it also can be shocking. Experiments have suggested other people’s assessments of an individual can often be very out of line with that person’s self-assessment. It’s not clear those other person’s assessments are less accurate – in some cases they’re more accurate – as determined by relatively well-established objective psychological assessments. Third-person assessments can be both difficult to swallow – bitter medicine – and also extremely valuable. Because they’re difficult to swallow, I would suggest taking them in small doses. But they can help us to learn about ourselves such things as that we can be unaccountably solicitous, or petty, or prone to one-up others, or thick-skinned. I’ve sometimes found myself thinking while speaking to someone, “If you could hear yourself talking right now, you might come to realize …” Humblebragging is a case in point, in which someone is ostensibly complaining about a problem, but the subtext of what they’re saying might be self-promoting as well.

All this has implications for those of us who teach. At the end of the semester I encourage my graduate assistants to read course evaluations; not to read them all at once, but instead try to take one suggestion from those evaluations that they can work on going into the next semester. I try to do the same. I would not, however, expect there ever to be a point at which one could say, “Ah! Now I fully know myself.” Instead, this is more likely a process that we can pursue, and continue to benefit from, our entire lives.

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Self-Knowledge  • Know Yourself

Know Yourself — Socrates and How to Develop Self-Knowledge

In Ancient Greece, the philosopher Socrates famously declared that the unexamined life was not worth living. Asked to sum up what  all philosophical commandments could be reduced to, he replied: ‘ Know yourself .’

Knowing yourself has extraordinary prestige in our culture. It has been framed as quite literally the meaning of life.

This sounds, when one hears it, highly plausible, yet so plausible it’s worth pausing to ask a few more questions. Just why is self-knowledge such a prestigious good? What are the dangers that come with a lack of self-knowledge? And what do we in fact need to know about ourselves? How do we come to learn such things? And why is self-knowledge difficult to attain?

When we speak about self-knowledge , we’re alluding to a particular kind of knowledge – generally of an emotional or psychological kind. There are a million things you could potentially know about yourself. Here are some options:

• On what day of the week were you born?
• Were you able to pick up a raisin between your fore-finger and thumb when you were five months old?
• Are you more an introvert or an extrovert?
• How does your relationship with your father influence your career ambitions?
• What kind of picnic person are you: morning or evening? River-bank, park or hill?

Most of us would recognise that questions 3 and 4 are ones worth knowing; the others, not so much.

In other words, not everything that we can know about ourselves is all that important to find out. Here we want to focus on the areas of self-knowledge that matter most in life: the areas concerned with the inner psychological core of the self.

The key bits of self-knowledge we’ll be interested in are:

• — What kind of person are you characteristically attracted to in love
• — What difficult patterns of behaviour are you prey to in relationships
• — What are your talents at work
• — What problems do you have around success/failure
• — How are you about feedback
• — What do you do when you have been frustrated by life
• — What kind of taste do you have
• — Can you distinguish between your passing bodily-based emotions and your more rational thoughts

If you have solid answers to these issues, you’ll be able to speak of yourself as someone with an adequate degree of self-knowledge.

1. Why and Where Does Self-Knowledge Matter?

Self-knowledge is important for one central reason: because it offers us a route to greater happiness and fulfilment.

A lack of self-knowledge leaves you open to accident and mistaken ambitions.  

Armed with the right sort of self-knowledge, we have a greater chance of avoiding errors in our dealings with others and in the formulation of our life choices.

Let’s look at some examples of areas where self-knowledge matters

Without self-knowledge, all sorts of problems may occur:

1. We choose the wrong partners, trying to get together with people who don’t really suit us, because we don’t understand our own needs

When first looking out for a partner, the requirements we come up with are coloured often by a beautiful non-specific sentimental vagueness: we’ll say we really want to find someone who is ‘kind’ or ‘fun to be with’, ‘attractive’ or ‘up for adventure…’

It isn’t that such desires are wrong, they are just not remotely precise enough in their understanding of what we in particular are going to require in order to stand a chance of being happy – or, more accurately, not consistently miserable.

All of us are crazy in very particular ways. We’re distinctively neurotic, unbalanced and immature, but don’t know quite the details because no one ever encourages us too hard to find them out. An urgent, primary task of any lover is therefore to get a handle on the specific ways in which they are mad. They have to get up to speed on their individual neuroses. They have to grasp where these have come from, what they make them do – and most importantly, what sort of people either provoke or assuage them. A good partnership is not so much one between two healthy people (there aren’t many of these on the planet), it’s one between two demented people who have had the skill or luck to find a non-threatening conscious accommodation between their relative insanities.

The very idea that we might not be too difficult as people should set off alarm bells in any prospective partner. The question is just where the problems will lie: perhaps we have a latent tendency to get furious when someone disagrees with us, or we can only relax when we are working, or we’re a bit tricky around intimacy after sex, or we’ve never been so good at explaining what’s going on when we’re worried. It’s these sort of issues that – over decades – create catastrophes and that we therefore need to know about way ahead of time, in order to look out for people who are optimally designed to withstand them. A standard question on any early dinner date should be quite simply: ‘And how are you mad?’

The problem is that knowledge of our own neuroses is not at all easy to come by. It can take years and situations we have had no experience of. Prior to marriage, we’re rarely involved in dynamics that properly hold up a mirror to our disturbances. Whenever more casual relationships threaten to reveal the ‘difficult’ side of our natures, we tend to blame the partner – and call it a day. As for our friends, they predictably don’t care enough about us to have any motive to probe our real selves. They only want a nice evening out. Therefore, we end up blind to the awkward sides of our natures.

On our own, when we’re furious, we don’t shout, as there’s no one there to listen – and therefore we overlook the true, worrying strength of our capacity for fury. Or we work all the time without grasping, because there’s no one calling us to come for dinner, how we manically use work to gain a sense of control over life – and how we might cause hell if anyone tried to stop us. At night, all we’re aware of is how sweet it would be to cuddle with someone, but we have no opportunity to face up to the intimacy-avoiding side of us that would start to make us cold and strange if ever it felt we were too deeply committed to someone. One of the greatest privileges of being on one’s own is the flattering illusion that one is, in truth, really quite an easy person to live with. With such a poor level of understanding of our characters, no wonder we aren’t in any position to know who we should be looking out for.

2. We repeat unhealthy patterns from childhood, always latching on to people who will frustrate us in familiar but grievous ways

We believe we seek happiness in love, but it’s not quite that simple. What at times it seems we actually seek is familiarity – which may well complicate any plans we might have for happiness. We recreate in adult relationships some of the feelings we knew in childhood. It was as children that we first came to know and understand what love meant. But unfortunately, the lessons we picked up may not have been straightforward. The love we knew as children may have come entwined with other, less pleasant dynamics: being controlled, feeling humiliated, being abandoned, never communicating, in short: suffering. As adults, we may then reject certain healthy candidates whom we encounter, not because they are wrong, but precisely because they are too well-balanced (too mature, too understanding, too reliable), and this rightness feels unfamiliar and alien, almost oppressive. We head instead to candidates whom our unconscious is drawn to, not because they will please us, but because they will frustrate us in familiar ways. We get together with the wrong people because the right ones feel wrong – undeserved; because we have no experience of health, because we don’t ultimately associate being loved with feeling satisfied.  

• — We fail to explain our feelings to our partners – because we don’t understand ourselves well enough. We act out our feelings rather than spell them out, often to destructive effect. (we break the door rather than explain we are mad with anger).
• — We are unaware of the effects of our words on others. We don’t notice how often we say critical things to them.
• — We can’t anticipate and signpost our feelings: when we start to get over-excited and talk too fast, we should know it’s time to go for a walk round the block because otherwise there’s liable to be an explosion…
• — We project, that is, we respond to events in the here and now according to patterns laid down in childhood; in our heads, our partners become mixed up with other people from our emotional history (a humiliating mother, a distant father etc…).
• — We’re governed by the past: old unfortunate habits keep their grip. We don’t see what’s happening and so we can’t do anything about it.

There’s a lot we can do once people are able to tell us what’s problematic about themselves. We don’t need people to be problem free – we need people to be able to explain where the problems are.  

We only have a few short years in which to come up with a convincing answer about what we want to do with our lives. Then, wherever we are in the thought-process, we have to jump into a job in order to have enough money to survive or appease society’s demands for our productivity.

Without self-knowledge, we are too vague about our ambitions; we don’t know what to do with our lives and – because money tends to be such an urgent priority – we lock ourselves into a cage from which it may take decades to emerge.

• — We are too modest: we miss out on opportunities: we don’t know what we are capable of.
• — We are too ambitious: we don’t know what we shouldn’t attempt. We lack a clear sense of our limitations, wasting years trying to do something we’re not suited to.
• — We don’t grasp the ways in which we are difficult employees or bosses. We might – among other problems – be crazily defensive, or resistant to trusting anyone or too eager to please.
• — We don’t perceive our hidden attitudes to success and failure. It may be that we see ourselves (wrongly) as not cut out for the bigger roles or when things start to go well, we become manically prone to make a blunder. Perhaps we’re unconsciously trying to avoid rivalry with a parent, or a sibling by tripping ourselves up. Family dynamics have an enormous, subterranean influence on how effectively we operate at work.

LIVING WITH OTHERS

Without self-knowledge, we are, in general, a liability to be around:

• — We don’t realise the effect we tend to have on other people: without at all meaning to, we might come across as arrogant or cold, or as tending to hog attention or as needlessly shy and hesitant or as getting furious in dangerous ways.
• — We may fall prey to unnecessary loneliness: not understanding what we really need and what makes us hard to get to know.
• — Difficulties of empathy: not acknowledging the more vulnerable or disturbed parts of oneself; means not seeing oneself as being ‘like’ other people in crucial ways. It’s hard to understand the deeper bits of others without having explored oneself first.

SPENDING MONEY UNWISELY

Most of what we spend money on is a hunch about what will make us happy. But without self-knowledge, we’ll have a hard time figuring out the relationship between what we purchase and how we feel.

• — Holidays and travels will leave us disappointed.
• — Impulsive purchases will soon be regretted.
• — We’ll be prey to fashion: not knowing ourselves, we’ll be at the mercy of what consumer society tells us to want.
• — We might become inadvertent snobs: liking things because others like them rather than for deeper personal reasons.

Self-knowledge has always been important. But now it’s more so than ever. This is a result of political and social progress. When life was much more constrained by tradition, rigid social hierarchy and rigorous codes of manners, there was less need for self-knowledge to guide action. Now, if we are to exploit the independence and freedom we’ve been offered (in love, work and social lives), there is all the more reason to get to know ourselves in good time.

2. WHY IS SELF-KNOWLEDGE SO HARD TO COME BY?

We pay a high price for lack of self-knowledge. So why is it in short supply? Why is it hard for us to know ourselves in these ways? It’s not laziness or stupidity that explains it. There are several huge cognitive frailties that make it hard for us to have certain kinds of insight about ourselves. There are seven reasons why self-knowledge is tricky for creatures with the kinds of minds we have.

i. The Unconscious

Human beings have evolved into creatures whose minds are divided into conscious and unconscious processes. Digesting lunch is unconscious; reflecting on what you’d like to do this weekend is conscious.  

The reason for this division is bandwidth. We simply couldn’t cope if everything we did had to be filtered through the conscious mind.  

Also, we start off as children with fierce difficulties around self-awareness. Nature has structured us so that self-awareness comes very late on: you only have to study how children are to know that an awareness of self is a very late evolution of character.

In general, we can argue that we suffer because a little too much of how we behave happens unconsciously – when we would benefit from a closer grasp on what was going on. The default balance between conscious and unconscious tends to be wrong, we are incentivised to let too much of who we are happen in the unconscious.

As a general point, we need to make heroic efforts to correct the imbalance and bring more of our lives into the conscious realm.

ii. The Emotional and Rational Mind

A traditional way of conceiving of our minds is that there’s a small rational bit and a far larger, more dominant emotional bit.

Plato compared the rational bit to a group of wild horses dragging the conscious mind along.

Nowadays, neuroscientists tell us about three parts of the brain:

• – The reptilian
• – The limbic
• – The neocortex

The reptilian is, as the name sounds, the earliest and the most primitive. It’s interested in basic survival and responds immediately, in knee-jerk ways, unconsciously and rather aggressively and destructively. It’s what’s engaged if a lion surprises you in the jungle.

The limbic part of the brain, a later development is concerned with emotions and memories.

The neocortex, a very late development, is where our higher reasoning faculties lie.

We don’t have to buy into the precise terminology here to understand the drift: a lot of our lives is dominated by automatic, over-emotional, distorting responses by the ‘lower’ parts of the mind; and only occasionally can we hope to gain rational perspective through our higher faculties.

iii. Freudian Resistance

However, it isn’t just the case that things are unconscious by accident. It was Sigmund Freud’s great insight that they remain unconscious because of a squeamishness on our part: there is – in his term – extraordinary ‘resistance’ to making a lot of our unconscious material conscious.  

The unconscious contains desires and feelings that deeply challenge a more comfortable vision of ourselves. We might discover – if we got to know ourselves better – that we’re attracted to a different gender, or have career ambitions quite different from those our society expects of us. We therefore ‘resist’ finding out too much about ourselves in many areas. It shatters the short-term peace we’re addicted to.

But, of course, for Freud, we pay a high price for this. Short-term peace is unstable, it is, to use another word of his, ‘neurotic’, and cuts us off from the benefits of long-term honesty about aspects of our identity.

Too often we say of thoughts, it’s ‘safer not to go there’. One simply pushes feelings and ideas aside. Resistance means we are escaping the humiliation of admitting to particular appetites and desires – especially when these are at odds with what we’d like to be like or how others want us to be. We reduce our immediate suffering. But the cost is that we can’t properly aim for what would truly make us happy.

iv. Other People Won’t Tell Us

There are many aspects of our identities that it is simply hard for us to see without the help of another person. We need others to be our mirrors, feeding back their insights and perspectives on the elusive, hard-to-see parts of ourselves.

However, getting hold of data from others is a very unreliable process. Very few people can be bothered to undertake the arduous task of giving us feedback.

Either they dislike us too much and therefore can’t be bothered. Or they like us too much, and don’t want to upset us.

Our friends are too polite; good intentions lead them to keep their less pleasant observations to themselves. Our enemies have so much to tell us: it’s not always the people we like who see certain aspects of us most clearly. It might be someone we’re at loggerheads with who has the sharpest sense of what’s not quite going right in our character (a way, for instance, of letting people down after a long period of seeming to go along with their plans; a very annoying habit of sitting on the fence). But they are not likely to be good at sharing their wisdom with us. They either won’t take the trouble, or will brush us off with the sort of sharp insults that will make us defensive and closed to the wiser aspects embedded within their harsh assessments.

v. We Haven’t Lived Enough

Many bits of self-knowledge only come through experience. Think of ourselves as being like a biscuit mould: it’s only by pressing ourselves against the dough of life that we get to see what shape we actually are.  

Self-knowledge therefore isn’t something we can always do in isolation, retreating from the world to look into ourselves.

We acquire knowledge dynamically, by trying things out and colliding with others – which always carries a risk, and takes time.

In careers, for example, we can’t know what we might want to do with our lives simply by asking ourselves this question. We need to head out into the workplace and try things out. We need to spend a week at an architect’s office, or go and meet someone in the diplomatic service etc.

Self-knowledge can only evolve as a result of dialogue with the world.

vi. We Are Fatefully Vague About Stuff

Our thoughts about many things are marked first and foremost by vagueness. Our intellectual muscles are – by nature – rather weak. Our initial reactions to things are frequently of the order of ‘yum’ or ‘yuk’. We have pronounced pro or contra feelings towards something but struggle to say more. We say things like:

• — I want to be creative
• — I loathe big business
• — I’m feeling out of sorts
• — He annoys me

These reports might be true, but they are not very high-quality items in terms of self- knowledge. They’re not accurate enough to help guide action. It’s not that they are wrong, the problem is they are too vague. They don’t get to grips with what is really the issue. They circle in the big, general territory but don’t land anywhere specific.

This isn’t a personal problem. It’s universal. The first reports from our conscious minds are just by nature horribly vague – and in need of sustained analysis.

vii. Introspection is Low on Prestige and Unfamiliar

Introspection is the name we give to the close study of one’s feelings and ideas.

Unfortunately, it isn’t given high prestige in our society. We’re rarely encouraged to unpack our thoughts. The notion of what it means to have a conversation with a friend rarely includes trying to make progress in sorting out feelings. Psychotherapy – the prime arena for analysing oneself – interests barely 1% of the population.

Part of increasing the self-knowledge of a society is to help make the idea of introspection a little more glamorous; it should be thought of as a very plausible concept to spend a weekend on or host a dinner party around.

3. HOW TO GET MORE SELF-KNOWLEDGE — AND IN WHAT AREAS

Relationships, i. repetition compulsion.

We’re not terribly flexible when it comes to falling in love. We have types. There are patterns: each of us tends to have a characteristic sort of person we go for – a more or less sketchy template of the sort of person we find very attractive.

The template is highly individual, but if we could open up people’s heads we might find things like:

The B yronic type — dark hair (frequently tousled), reserved but intense; naughty

The serene type — calm, unruffled, angst-free

The cheeky type — bouncy, unpretentious, free  

We’re used to seeing our types in terms of the positives. But, in fact, every type also carries a lot of negatives as well. The people we tend to go for may be attractive to us not only for some very nice reasons but also because they bring with them some special kind of trouble or difficulty to which we are especially prone. Most of us are involved in the compulsion to repeat kinds of suffering in our personal lives, normally based on a suffering in early childhood.

Putting the same templates in darker terms, it might turn out that someone is drawn to:

A chaotic, selfish, volcanic person who seems always to be on the verge of losing their temper and is never on time ( Byronic ).

Someone who will be wrapped up in themselves and slightly depressed ( serene ).

An infantile person with poor self-management skills who needs a lot of looking after ( cheeky ).

We need self-knowledge in love because were so prone to repeat unhealthy patterns. We leave a relationship hoping to leave behind a particular set of problems – which we find again in the next relationship. These patterns normally derive from childhood experience whereby love was mixed in with various kinds of suffering. The father whose attention and affection we craved was also often annoyed (annoyance, ever since, has proved desperately interesting to a part of us); the mother who we loved was often preoccupied and always heading out to do more exciting things while leaving us behind (our partner is in a high stress job and doesn’t often call…)

Now when we’re searching for affection and closeness we look out for some quite negative, even damaging things, since we have learned to think that this is how love works. We don’t notice it, so the pattern keeps on guiding our behaviour in unfortunate ways. The psychoanalytic theory of repetition compulsion means that you’re also being drawn to something problematic. For example:

• — They are rather bossy
• — They are critical
• — They are in some way rather inadequate and in need of help
• — They are agitated and irritable<

Self-knowledge means first of all seeing the pattern. It means understanding the negative aspects of the type of person we tend to get involved with.

Culturally we are resistant to this kind of self-knowledge. We’re not used to the notion that we might be drawn to people for bad reasons. We want to say: I hate it when people don’t listen or I really don’t like irritable and agitated individuals. And of course that is true. We don’t like it when people behave these ways.

But we do much too often end up with them!  

Think of a celebrity or actor that you find attractive.

• – What are some good things you find attractive about them?
• – What might be the bad reasons you are drawn to them?
• – What are the difficult sides of people you’re oddly rather drawn to?
• – Sketch a ‘type’ you find attractive.
• – What are the bad reasons you find this type attractive?
• – What have the consequences been in your life?

Gaining self-knowledge about the darker aspects of one’s own pattern of attraction allows us to be more strategic.

When looking for a new relationship:

• — Realise that emotional appeal is not necessarily – for us – the best guide to who we could have good relationship with.
• — Pick up at a much earlier stage that one might be making this mistake and recognising that it is a mistake.

In a long-standing relationship:

• — Accept that we shouldn’t simply blame the other person for certain annoying characteristics – such as their distance or irritability. We can admit that this was part of what drew us to them in the first place.
• — It helps identify the kind of compensating maturity one needs; if you are drawn to quite critical people, you can’t always then blame them for being critical.

ii. Projection

Our minds have a strong natural tendency to projection , that is, to elaborate a response to a current situation from incomplete hints – drawing upon a dynamic set up in our past and indicative of our unconscious interests, drives and concerns.  

Take a look at this image, which appears as part of a famous projection test:

If you ask, what’s going on here, we all could read different things into the image. People might say something like:

• — It’s a father and son, mourning together for a shared loss, maybe they’ve heard that a friend of the family has died.
• — It’s a manager in the process of sacking (more in sorrow than in anger) a very unsatisfactory young employee.
• — I feel something obscene is going on out of the frame: it’s in a public urinal, the older man is looking at the younger guy’s penis and making him feel very embarrassed.

One thing we do know – really – is that the picture doesn’t really show any of these things. It is an ambiguous image.

The picture simply shows two men rather formally dressed, one slightly older. The elaboration is coming from the person who looks at it. And the way they elaborate, the kind of story they tell, may say more about them than it does about the image. Especially if they get insistent and very sure that this is what the picture really means. This is projection.  

We don’t just do this around images; the same thing happens with people. In relationships, projection kicks in when there are ‘ambiguous situations’.  

For instance, your partner is quietly chuckling at a text message. They don’t offer to share it with you. They quickly send a reply. You start to feel very agitated. It looks like your partner is having an affair. They have just received a message from their lover reminding them of some very intimate joke (which might even be about you and your failings); you partner eagerly responds. They don’t love you. You are abandoned, betrayed. You are now very angry with you partner; you feel victimised. But actually, nothing like this is really going on at all. The message was from an over-conscientious colleague at work, and your partner found it comic they should be bothering about such trivia and didn’t think it was even worth mentioning. In fact, the distress you felt derived from when you were at school: you discovered that the person you thought was your best friend was actually saying mean things about to others. You are still wounded by this, though you hate to admit it.

The structure is

• — We observe something but in honest truth it’s not entirely clear what it means.
• — We read into the situation a set of motive, intentions, attitudes – which are usually distressing to us and give rise to anxiety and anger.
• — The anxiety or fear actually relate to an earlier experience. But we don’t realise this.
• — We are frightened by, or angry about, what’s happening now. Even though really we shouldn’t be.

Projection is always about telling ourselves a story in answer to the question: what did that really mean? That might be, for instance, be a situation as well as a person.

When we are projecting it doesn’t FEEL as if we are doing anything complicated or special. On the contrary it feels just as if we are seeing things as they are. So, typically we dislike the suggestion that we are ‘projecting’. It feels as if it is an insult to our ability to perceive how things really are. Admitting the possibility that one might be projecting is humbling. But it could be worth it because projection brings a lot of trouble into our lives. We’re venting our anger on the wrong individual. And maybe in the process hurting someone very unfairly. We are afraid of the wrong person. Our fear of someone in the past gets in the way of making a friend or ally of someone today.

Self-knowledge means recognising one’s projections and attempting to repatriate. The active issue isn’t here and now: it’s some unfinished business from the past that’s still bugging us.

In the images below what do you think is going on?

– Say (without thinking too much) what you believe is happening. Write it down on a piece of paper, while others do the same.

– Then, as a class, go around and compare.

– Then ask yourselves what your possible explanation says not about the picture – it’s ambiguous – but about you. What parts of you have ‘projected’ into the ambiguous image?

ii. Confrontation and Criticism

Another area where a lack of self-knowledge bites is around how we characteristically behave with others, friends, family and colleagues. There are a number of themes here.

i: Confrontation Styles 

Daily life offers us constant frustrations where we have a choice as to how we might respond. All of us exhibit a variety of ‘confrontation styles’, but we’re often unaware which kind we generally go in for – and what the costs and consequences are.

Imagine that:

– Someone promised you a document by midday. It’s now 1pm.

– It’s your birthday next week, but your partner hasn’t said anything about it. You’d ideally love to go out.

– There’s a drilling sound coming from next door – again.

–  A work colleague has been muscling in on one of your clients.

How do you feel? And how would you typically react?

There are 4 key varieties of possible responses: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive or assertive:

• — PASSIVE: You feel it’s just how life goes, some things you have to accept; if you make a fuss, it just makes everything worse. After all, it’s not that bad really. Sometimes you really resent these things, but you make yourself put up with them.
• — AGGRESSIVE: “I’m bloody annoyed. Where is that document? Why hasn’t my partner mentioned a party? Why should I suffer because the neighbours are incompetent, stupid, greedy or too lazy to do their DIY at some reasonable hour? If they don’t get their act together you’re really going to show them who’s boss.” They can shape up or ship out as far as you are concerned.
• — PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE: A curious toxic mixture of passivity and more aggressive feelings. One tells oneself things like: ‘I don’t make a big fuss about my birthday – and of course my partner has a lot on their plate always.’ But secretly one is fuming. Or one thinks, ‘X is a perennially unreliable fool,’ but when their document eventually comes in at 5pm, one says, ‘Great to get this!!’ and leaves it at that… There’s a lot of hostility around but it is indirect. The passive aggressive person keeps their anger veiled just enough so as to be able to deny it to others and to themselves. They don’t feel they are being negative or aggressive. They see themselves as hard done by. What they hate most of all is to make a fuss – but that doesn’t prevent them being very upset. Often, the upset which hasn’t emerged with the person who caused it will later find a way out with a more innocent party. Passive aggressive people who didn’t make their feelings clear in the office will, when they get home, frequently take it out on the kids, the partner or the dog. Passive-aggression has its roots in low self-esteem. One simply doesn’t feel one is allowed to make a direct critique. Direct criticism takes confidence. At the same time, one can’t be happy either. Therefore, the compromise is a veiled compromise attack.
• — ASSERTIVE: you are clear about when someone has behaved badly towards you or is causing a problem. You aren’t happy about it. But your main aim is to fix the problem. You don’t need to take revenge or try to get the other person to feel guilty. You can go up to them and confidently make your point. You aren’t ashamed of yourself or guilty for making a fuss. You think it’s normal to treat people well – you do – and if someone else falls below your standards, you’re not embarrassed to tell them so in plain terms. It won’t be a catastrophe, just a few unpleasant moments, but that will allow the relationship to improve over the long-term. No festering wounds here.

Very few of us are assertive. One estimate is that no more than 20% of the population manage to be direct in a mature way about their ailments. That means there’s a lot of subterranean anger, a lot of people who are being shouted at even though they aren’t really responsible.  

The reason why passive-aggression is something we’re not aware of doing – and therefore need to increase our self-knowledge around – is that there are lots of inhibitions to being ‘straight’ around things one’s annoyed about:

– One might feel one doesn’t deserve to make a fuss.

– One might have a sense of shame/inner conviction of being bad which prevents one from taking the high ground ever, even when one deserves to.

– One might feel that other people will respond volcanically and catastrophically if one makes any complaint against them.

These assumptions are all worth questioning.

This is from something called the Ascendance-Submission study by the American psychologist Gordon Allport:

1. Someone tries to push ahead of you in line. You have been waiting for some time, and can’t wait much longer. Suppose the intruder is the same sex as yourself, do you usually:

– Remonstrate with the intruder

– ‘Look daggers’ at the intruder or make clearly audible comments to your neighbour

– Decide not to wait and go away

– Do nothing

2. Do you feel self-conscious in the presence of superiors in the academic or business world?

– Not at all

3. Some possession of yours is being worked upon at a repair shop. You call for it at the time appointed, but the repair man informs you that he has “only just begun to work on it.” Is your customary reaction:

– To upbraid him

– To express dissatisfaction mildly

– To smother your feelings entirely

Another American psychologist, Dr Saul Rosenzweig, came up with the Picture Frustration test, which shows a number of frustrating situations and invites us to fill in the blanks:

How might you respond to this scenario? 

Try this out + discuss what other moments in life you respond in similar ways…

ii: Criticism  

Criticism is always challenging,  but people respond to it in a variety ways.

It can be hugely beneficial to get a better grip on your characteristic response/behaviour around criticism – in order to be able to modulate it, and advance towards the more mature varieties.

Possible Responses to Criticism

1. They must be entirely wrong:

This is the response colloquially known as ‘defensive’ – whereby a criticism unleashes a disproportionately strong defence against it. The original criticism isn’t heard, for its destinee is so taken up with shoring up their position.

One thinks: “I am OK, I don’t generally make mistakes. If they are annoyed with me, it’s likely that they are being too demanding, or they’re jealous, or they’re trying to kick me down. The problem is theirs.”  

2. They must be entirely right and I don’t deserve to exist:

Here one thinks that a local criticism (of a book, a document, something one said over dinner) is in fact pointing to a global problem. Very quickly, the local criticism brings about a crisis:

“I don’t deserve to exist. I am a wretch. They have seen through the facade. It is true, I am meaningless, petty, stupid and dull…’

3. They might be right AND I can be OK

Here one is able to contain the criticism to the issue at hand. One is able to distinguish between a criticism of some aspect of oneself and a wholehearted assault on one’s identity. 

One of the most popular forms of self-knowledge exercises among psychologists involve an invitation to finish sentence stubs.

The idea is to answer fast, without thinking too much, thereby allowing the unconscious mind to have its say before it is censored.  

Here are some sentence stubs to complete around the issue of criticism:

– When someone points out a piece of work of mine is less than perfect, I…

– When my boss says something to me, I think…

– Bosses who criticise typically…

Try to work out your Criticism style:

– are you defensive

– or do you feel globally attacked

– or locally attacked?

One’s response to criticism is formed in childhood.  

It is the task of all parents to criticise their children and break bad news to them about their wishes and plans – but there are evidently different ways of going about this.

The best sort of criticism leaves a child feeling that the criticism is local – but that they remain loved and adored.

Moreover, the suggestion is that everyone makes mistakes, especially the parents, and that criticism is a well-meaning and in no way threatening aspect of daily life.  

But there are also scenarios where the child is criticised and no one notices that the criticism cuts too deep. There is no suggestion that this is ONLY a limited criticism. The child falls prey to the belief that they are entirely worthless. Throughout adulthood, the slightest critique can re-evoke this perspective.

What did you learn about criticism in your childhood?

How did your mother/father make you feel when they criticised you?

iii. Career

i: Vagueness around one’s ambitions

When thinking about aspirations, hopes and what it would be good to do, there’s a very strong tendency to end up saying things like:

• — I want to help other people
• — I want to do something that matters

The statements might be very true and the sentiments admirable. The problem with them is that they are vague. They don’t point in any particular direction: they don’t guide action or do much to help make a decision. Vagueness is a sign of the difficulty we have around self-knowledge. It shows that in some important aspect of life we don’t yet know ourselves very well.

How do we improve self-knowledge around ambitions?

1. Dare to name some people you envy and or admire – however grand and implausible. One of the causes of vagueness is that (after the age of about eleven) we feel embarrassed to mention very high status individuals as inspiration; we sense that we’ll be seen as pretentious or naive. But it’s important to list them because they are the grandest version of the person you want to be. It could be Michelangelo or Lady Gaga or Goethe or Bill Gates. The point isn’t that you necessarily want to be them or just like them. It’s that there is something about them that you want to learn from.

2. Moving from person to trait. Analyse what it is about them that you admire…

It needn’t be the thing they are most famous for. The cause of vagueness here is that we get hung up on people. We focus on the person – and there are so many different things about them that are impressive. So simply naming them leaves it vague what it is we’re trying to learn from this person’s example.

3. How could that quality be more present in your life…

Another cause of vagueness is inflexibility. We can see how that quality played itself out in that person’s life. But what we really want to know is what else can be done with it. The person we’re thinking about is only giving a hint.  

ii: Attitudes to ambition

There are many obstacles to doing well at work , getting the kind of partner we feel we deserve; or getting on top of our financial and creative lives: competition from able rivals, not enough room at the top, prejudice, limited talents. But some of the most serious barriers to success come from within our own heads. We suffer from problematic attitudes to success.

We are held back by anxiety around success. These anxieties mean that we are not purely seeking to succeed. Without realising it, we are also quite invested in aspects of failure.  

— Success makes you envied. They’ll think I’m showing off, big-noting myself. I really don’t want to be the target of other people’s envy. Better to remain on the sidelines.

— Inner feudalism: there are sorts of people who are allowed to succeed and do big things in the world; unfortunately, I’m not one of them; things like that just don’t happen to people like me.

There is also the danger of over-investment in the idea of ‘success’. It’s natural to want to do well-enough around work. But career can be a magnet for other hopes that don’t really belong in this area. One comes to believe that if only things go well in terms of career or money, many other problems will be solved too. It’s a line of thought that is strongly encouraged by contemporary society. Meritocratic attitudes invite the misleading thought that how you do at work is a measure of your global worth; advertising relentlessly projects the thought that psychological qualities like friendship, good relationships, serenity and a sense of fun are tied to financial prosperity (and hence to career success). These kinds of thoughts are not explicitly running through our heads but reflection on our behaviour may indicate that we act as if we believe such things as:

“If I succeed at work, I will deserve to be loved.”

“I will stop feeling lonely when I’ve made it.”

“The holiday will be great – if only we stay in luxury.”

“High status means happiness.”

Once such beliefs have been made explicit they can be put to the test. For instance: other people can succeed, but not me. Is it true? Examine it like a statement in court. What evidence supports this? What are all the things that could be said in its favour and assess their plausibility.

— S ome people are born lucky – this can’t be right.

— Talent is unequally distributed – true, but many of the people who you think are successful are not more talented than you.

— There are prejudices which favour some and disadvantage others – yes, but (usually) only to some extent, they are not decisive .

— If I succeed, what will happen is… (both negative and positive)  

— By succeeding, I’d love to please…

— The person who might (secretly) be most dismayed by my success would be…

— People who are successful are typically…

— I wouldn’t want to be a success because..

iii: The meaning of your life

In the middle of daily life, impressed by the expectations of other people and bombarded with ideas from the media and advertising (which are unlikely to have one’s own best interest at heart), it’s completely unsurprising that we get confused about how much something really matters to us.

If you were on your deathbed, what would you regret not doing…

The exercise is designed to tease out underlying ambitions that you are reluctant to explore. They might seem too challenging or embarrassing to admit to anyone else. The point isn’t necessarily to explain them to others but to give them more attention in the privacy of your own head.

• Why, in fact, do you hold back from doing these things?
• How might those obstacles be addressed?
• What specific practical steps you could take?

The death-bed exercise also helps reveal the true hierarchy of our needs.

• Things that have only a very limited contribution to make to our flourishing come to seem much more important than the really are.
• We underrate the importance of things that are familiar or maybe not especially exciting.

iv. What Others Can Know of Us

When it comes to other people, we are all a bit like mind-readers. Mind-readers astonish their customers by telling them things about their lives – you have had a quarrel with your parents recently; you were close to a sibling when you were a child, but in recent years you have drifted apart and that makes you sad. And the visitor is left wondering: how did they know this about me. It must be magic. They can sometimes tell us after a minute things that it’s taken us years to find out about ourselves. They might note that we react defensively when mentioning our parents – as if we feel we are about to be accused of something; though this characteristic is one we are reluctant to recognise in ourselves. Mind-reading just shows up that knowledge about us is surprisingly obvious and easy for an outsider to get hold of – much easier than for us inside. Strangers are surprisingly good at guessing things about us.

One consequence is that we find it difficult to grasp how other people see us. The gap between self-perception and the point of view of others is richly comic: pomposity for example occurs when someone can’t see that other people don’t share their high opinion of their own merits; and there’s a satisfaction in seeing this person being forced by events to a much lower and more accurate picture of themselves. But mostly, of course, it doesn’t seem especially funny:

You don’t realise

— That you are taxing other people’s patience

— Other people often feel you hog the limelight

— You come across as arrogant

— You seem excessively diffident

— You are often trying to hint that you have done everything anyone else has done; as if it would be painful to you to be impressed by anyone

The point isn’t that other people are always right. The point isn’t that one should feel cross with other people for not rightly appreciating one’s better intent. (‘Of course, I didn’t mean to be arrogant? Can’t they tell the difference between honest assertion and showing off?’)  It’s just that it is really helpful to know how we impact on other people since this allows for strategic adjustment. Once we know we can try to change for the sake of getting on better with others – being a little less assertive at certain points or making an effort to ask other people questions about themselves.

Pair up with someone.

Get them to say 5 nice things about this person, based on very little knowledge.

Then, one negative thing.

How did they know this negative thing?

Swap roles.

– Write down the kind of animal you might see yourself as being. And list three attributes that you feel you share to some extent with this kind of creature.

— Then ask another person to draw the animal they see you as being, and to pick out three characteristics that help explain why.

— What do you learn from their choice and their reasons?

v. Family Dynamics

i: Overall Picture: How you feel about your family

What do you really feel about your family? Especially the things that you don’t say for all sorts of reasons: you might hurt particular people; you feel guilty because, after all they have been very good to you in some ways; you feel disloyal; you fear that people will feel sorry for you in ways that make you awkward; you fear that people will regard you with contempt. Such thoughts are likely to remain shadowy. We have unconscious – or barely unconscious attitudes in relation to family that are liable to play serious havoc with our lives. Possibilities include:

>Attitudes to a younger brother are governing one’s feelings about never having enough.

>Feelings about an older sister have led to problems around envy.

>A general tendency to be deferential around authority might be traced to an excessive need to please one’s parents.

A key psychological exercise is to draw your nuclear family; putting in parents + siblings + house + a sun + a tree.

Then examine the drawing. 

Draw your family.

Ask: Who is big?

Who is small?

Where is everyone standing?  

Some typical themes in analysis:

– who you draw yourself next to is who you are closest to.

– who are you are most distant from is put faraway.

– the size you have drawn yourself is the size of your self-esteem.

– the house is an extension of yourself: it is the ego. Is it in good shape? Optimistic? Ordered?

Windows imply a degree of communication/passage. Does it have a door?

This is only a start, and it’s not science – but the exercise is useful nevertheless, trying – like the sentence stubb exercise – to catch our unconscious slightly unawares in order to reveal its structure.

ii: Blame and self-knowledge:

We may not be aware of the extent to which we assign problems in our lives to our parents.

1. What do you blame your parents for?

Here we are looking for an ego response: how they hurt me, the mistakes they made etc.

2.   Why do you think they were the way they were?

This is a very different sort of question. It asks you to step outside of yourself and ask not, how did they hurt me or disappoint me – but rather, what were the pressures and difficulties they were under. It interrupts the circuit of hurt-blame, replacing it with hurt-understanding.

Blaming one’s parents isn’t – of course – always a mistake. It’s just that doing so can get in the way of a better understanding of the nature of a problem. And hence of what it is possible to do about it.

vi. Taste and your idea of happiness

We aren’t used to the idea that interior decoration can tell us anything very intimate about ourselves. But aesthetic preferences can yield revealing insights. That’s because personal taste reflects other things about us.

We may be disturbed by unfortunate associations to certain kinds of objects or environments. At a particular age you might have seen a film in which a character who deeply appealed to you, lived in rather grand classical mansion; ever since then you’ve had quiet – but quite strong – positive feelings about such places. Understanding the attraction leads back to the prior question: what it was about that character that you found so appealing? Or it may be that a rather fearsome relative was very critical of mess, which touched off a rebellious opposite in you; you find a bit of clutter and a confusion of colours homely and endearing (which that person definitely was not). Analysing the response helps uncover the further concerns – the loves, antipathies, hopes and fears – that helped to shape your taste.

We are drawn to things we don’t have enough of. Aesthetic preference is often connected to the pursuit of balance. If we are typically stressed and anxious, we might be very attracted to serene environments. A person who has been assailed too often by boorish people, might be very attracted to things that suggest refinement, order and harmony: the lack of which has been painfully brought home to them.  

We find neglected parts of ourselves in objects: in daily life we may give little attention or respect to aspects of our own nature that – however – hint at their existence in our tastes. The thrilled response to a grand interior in another wise demure individual suggest a bolder, more ambitious side to them.

Consider these different interiors:

cosy clutter

Which one do you hate?

Which one are you drawn to?

The underlying theory is that we are drawn to visual styles which capture what is MISSING in our psyches.

In other words, the person attracted to calm-minimalism doesn’t feel calm inside. They feel on the verge of being overwhelmed – and look to a taste that can CORRECT their inclinations.

Similarly with the bohemian style – this is favoured not by bohemians, but by people deeply frightened of their native impulses towards conformity and rigidity.

We use visual decoration styles to correct/rebalance ourselves.

vii. Wisdom and the Search for Moments of Higher Consciousness

Often, self-knowledge is concerned with describing more accurately how one feels. It follows the path of introspection. You try work out what you actually feel when you look at the sky or watch a film or feel bored in a meeting.  

But there’s another side to self-knowledge: becoming more aware of how the self-machine works: of how your mind operates and distorts things. For instance, you learn that eating a lot of chocolate makes you feel a bit queasy afterwards. Eating chocolate doesn’t feel as if it will do that. It’s so delicious you can’t resist another square. But gradually you just learn that this is how your particular machine work: if you put in a lot of chocolate it starts to create problems. Just as we can learn how the body works, we can also learn how the mind works.

One of the major implication of evolutionary theory is that the human brain itself has evolved over a very long period of time. The body, we readily accept, carries many indications of its long, long developmental story. The kind of eyes we have, the way our knees work or how our lungs extract oxygen from the air are not unique to humans. These kinds of organs and joints evolved long before humans were around.  

So too with our brains. Hence the usefulness of talking about a ‘ reptilian’ part of the brain, even though it isn’t absolutely correct scientifically (we don’t literally have the brain of lizard encased within our skulls). We have instincts and response patterns that evolved to suit being chased by predators or needing mate no matter what, that are more suited to existence in the pleistocene era than to life in a modern metropolis (or rural farming community).  

The reptilian brain is interested only in survival and responds instinctively and fast. It is out for itself, it has no capacity for empathy or morality. It is deeply and constitutionally selfish.  

But we also have a more evolved mature brain (scientists call it the neocortex ) which is able to gain a distance from immediate reptilian demands. It can observe rather than submit to the sexual impulse: it can study, rather than obey, selfish desires etc.  

The picture of ourselves – as having a sophisticated mind sitting on top of a primitive one – is very helpful because it makes sense of some of our troubles and of our potential for addressing them. The primitive brain is very concerned with safety and reproduction. It is impatient. It’s violent in asserting itself. It has no interest in reasons and explanations. It cannot comprehend what an apology is. In some of our worst moments, the primitive brain is doing the work. From its point of view, smashing a glass on the table might be an ideal way of getting someone to agree with you; being insulting, aggressive and boorish might look like a great way of getting to have sex with someone.

That we can behave very badly is, therefore, entirely unsurprising. But it means also that such bad behaviour cannot possible be the whole story about us. Having a divided brain – a reptilian and non-reptilian mind – means that the task is always to get the higher part of the mind to be more in charge and to take over whenever things get complicated. If we understand this about ourselves than we don’t have to go around thinking that we are totally worthless and awful because we did a genuinely very stupid and pretty nasty thing. The evolutionary story gives a more helpful explanation. You are not thoroughly bad at all. You just have a current problem: your modern brain is not as strong as it needs to be – and your reptilian brain is far too strong.  

It defines the nature of the task: I need to get my non-reptile brain to be more prominent. And I need to learn to distinguish which of my hopes, fears and desires belong to the reptilian mind – and which are soundly founded in the higher rationality of the more evolved mind.  

What we can call higher-consciousness occurs as we flex the muscles of our modern brain; and manage to free ourselves from the hold of the reptilian brain, gaining perspective over our immediate impulses and moods.

In another kind of language, we’d say we had been able to ‘free ourselves’ from the ego and to survey our lives and the world free of the immediate imperatives of being ourselves.

There are FIVE key ways this happens.

One: Fostering a capacity to observe one’s cruder impulses

Very occasionally, perhaps late at night, when the pressures of the day have receded, we have access to what feel like moments of wisdom – they usually don’t last very long but for a short period of time we have access to crucial ideas or insights about the way we operate, which is free of the normal subjectivity, defensiveness or self-justification.

In the morning – and for pretty much the whole day – you are in a rush. At dinner, your partner makes a comment about how you eat too fast or how you tune out when they are talking about their work – and immediately you get defensive; you insist you don’t do these things, you say they are hypercritical, that they don’t care and are always coldly judging you. You are furious and might slam the door.

Then lying awake in the middle of the night you have a powerful sense that quite often you move too fast defend yourself whenever your partner says anything a bit critical. You can picture yourself doing it. They start to speak, it’s so familiar, and immediately you are crouching, ready to deflect the blow. And so you don’t really hear what they have to say. You admit – very, very privately – that you do quite often stop paying attention when they talk about work; it’s not merely that you have stopped listening to all the ins and outs of life in their office; it’s that you have stopped paying attention to the way they are speaking, to what it means to them and why.

So, they’ve got a point. But you feel compelled to say they don’t. And truth be told you know you do eat too fast. Yes, it’s annoying to have it pointed out. But you realise that being a bit critical is a way your partner tries to show affection and care; it’s a possessive gesture on their part. You want to say you’re sorry, hug them, do it differently. In the dark it all makes sense.

The midnight insight was right. It was a moment of self knowledge. It was a moment of ‘higher consciousness’ when it was possible to stand back from experience and see it more clearly. You felt sufficiently safe and calm to observe your own behaviour without rushing to either condemn or defend it. You became wiser about yourself.

Such states of mind are, however, intermittent. Most of the time we have to be very intent on defending our patch, on fighting our cause. We lack the calm to observe our primitive mind in action.

Two: Developing a capacity to interpret the behaviour of others, rather than merely react to it automatically  

Most of the time, we respond immediately (and rather powerfully) to the behaviour of others.

They honk the horn at us, we get furious and honk back.

They say something mean-sounding, we insult them right back.

The natural instinct is to meet the primitive with the primitive. Our own reptile nature wants to attack their reptile selves and beat them back into their hole.

But there is, of course, another option – one of the great marvels of evolution and civilisation (morality and religion too).

The civilised, higher move is to understand that they are behaving badly for a reason which they are in no position to tell you about, so under pressure are they from their more primitive minds.

Maybe they have had a hard day. Maybe they are worried about something. Perhaps they have felt squashed and sidelined in their career and now having someone squeeze in in front of them on the road is too much to bear. Instead of simply seeing them as the dangerous enemy, we can recognise that they are distressed and that their bad behaviour (the impatient horn the swearing behind the windscreen) is a symptom of hurt rather than of ‘evil’.

It’s an astonishing gradual evolution to develop the ability to do this – to explain other people’s behaviour as caused by their distress, rather than simply to see it in terms of how it affects us. There must have been a first time in human history this happened. And in each life there is perhaps a similar awakening. But often it is so hard for this higher consciousness to break through; we are so deeply caught up in our own troubles that we find it almost impossible to be generous in our assessment of why others are causing us trouble:

Try out these ideas (they sound foreign); they are examples of higher consciousness:

• the sales assistant is being curt with your request, perhaps because his relationship is breaking up. It isn’t about you.
• the snobbish person at the party is, ultimately, insecure (although they look self-confident and have just ignored you).
• the lout who scratches your car is terrified of being exposed as sexually inadequate.
• the boaster at the bar is convinced that he can never be loved.

Three: Developing a capacity for universal love

Once we are able to interpret someone’s pain-inducing behaviour as having roots in their own pain, we’re on the threshold of a remarkable steps. It then appears that in truth, no one in this world is ever simply ‘nasty’. They are always hurt – and this means that the appropriate response to humanity is not fear, cynicism or aggression, but love.

Once we relinquish our egos, and loosen ourselves from the grip of our primitive defensive and aggressive thought-processes, we are free to consider humanity in a much more benign light. We might even, at an extreme (this might happen only very late at night once in a while), feel that we could love everyone, that no human could be outside the circle of our sympathy.  

We attain a state reported by certain yogis, christian ascetics and buddhist monks – wherein we feel that we have loosened ourselves from the self: we are looking at the world as if we were not ourselves, without the usual filter of our interests, passions and needs.

And the world, at that moment, reveals itself as quite different: a place of suffering and misguided effort, a place full of people striving to be heard and lashing out against others.

The fitting response is universal sympathy and kindness.  

We have taken self-knowledge in a new and interesting direction. Being so aware of ourselves that we can remove the ‘lower self’ from the windscreen through which we look at things – and therefore look at things in a truer and unegoistic way.

For years you have had to fight your corner: you have had to grab at every opportunity, defend yourself, look out for your interests. You have to feed and clothe yourself, pay the bills, manage your education, deal as best you can with your own moods and demons. You have to assert your rights, justify your actions and your choices. Being alive is all there is. You are understandably obsessed with your own life – what option do you have?

But there are moments when one’s own life feels less precious, or less crucial – and not in a despairing way. And without the support of any imagined afterlife.  It might be that the fear of not-existing is – if only for a little while – less intense. Perhaps looking out over the ocean at dusk or walking in woodland in winter, or listening to a particular piece of music Bach’s double violin concerto, that it would be alright not to exist; one can contemplate a world in which one is no longer present with some tranquility and still feel appreciative of life. In such rare moments of higher consciousness, one’s mortality is less of a burden; one’s interests can be put aside;  you can fuse with transient things: trees, wind, waves breaking on the shore. From that higher point of view, status doesn’t seem important, possession don’t seem to matter, grievances lose their urgency; one is serene. If certain people could encounter you at this point they be amazed at the transformation.  

These higher states of consciousness are short lived. We have to accept that. We shouldn’t aspire to make them permanent – because they don’t sit so well with many of the very important practical tasks that we need to attend to. We don’t need to be always in them. But we do need to make the most of them. We have to harvest them and preserve them so that we can have access to them when we need them most. The problem is that when we are in these higher states of mind we have highly important insights; but we lose access to them when we return to the ordinary conditions of life. And so we don’t get the benefit of the insight that was there in those special moments.

In the past, religions have been very interested in this move. The Christian churches, for instance, cottoned onto the fact that at times we can recognise that we have been unfair and disloyal to others. It’s a huge triumph over the primitive mind which has little time for such possibilities. They established rituals designed to intensify, prolong and deepen these fragile insights. There was, for example, highly charged words of a special prayer, the Confiteor:

I confess to Almighty God and to you my brothers and sister

that I have sinned through my own fault, in thoughts and in my words, in what

I have done and in what I have failed to do…

So that, ideally, on a very regular basis people would have a powerful experience of recognising that they might have been cruel, harsh, thoughtless, greedy or mean. It didn’t necessarily always work, of course, but the idea is highly significant. It’s an attempt to make this kind of experience less random. To give it more power in our lives and to make the best use of it.

The ideal, which is obviously separable from Christianity and involves not occult belief, is that the higher parts of the mind should be more reliable and more powerful.

Four: Developing a suspicion about your own feelings

Normally we are used to the idea of gaining self-knowledge by asking ourselves ever more closely: how do I feel about this?

The idea is that you know ‘who you really are’, by studying your feelings.

But this suggestion here is something different, indeed the opposite.

What we advise is a capacity to stand aside from feelings in order to recognise their potentially deceptive nature. It means acknowledging a fundamental distinction between what we might feel about a situation – and what it might actually be.  

The classic example of this historically is when humans learnt for the first time to accept that even though the earth feels flat, it is in fact round. In other words, when humans learnt to be suspicious about their feelings, trusting instead to the data of their rational minds – overruling feeling for the sake of reason. This has come very very late on in human evolution, and in day-to-day life, most of us operate in a pre-Copernican way, especially as regards our emotional lives.

One exception though, from which we can learn a lot, is children. When we deal with small children, we rather easily override our reptilian responses and aim for a higher interpretation. We look beyond what seems, and try to picture what is.  

Imagine a child who is whiny and then goes up to its parent and hits it and says, I hate you.

The primitive response is to hit back. The more sophisticated one is to ask: what is going on beneath what I can see of the child’s behaviour?

And, because it’s 6pm and they haven’t had a nap and had a bit of a cold, one will quite naturally ascribe the bad mood to these factors. The higher mind will have interpreted the situation.

However wise this might be, we find it hard to perform the exercise on ourselves.

We too might be feeling tired and hungry. But we don’t ask ourselves what role this might be playing in our sudden sense that everyone hates us and that our careers are a disaster.  

These seem like entirely reasonable conclusions to draw from real facts. But, in reality, they are the outcome of a very tired and hungry mind trying to deal with existence. After a snack and a lie down, our views will be very different.

In other words, our minds are filled with ideas that seem to be rationally founded but actually are not, that owe much to lower physical processes that are denied or unrecognised.  

Self-knowledge means becoming much better at realising how many of our mental processes (extending to things like our views on politics and our assessments of our careers and our lovers) can be explained by:

– not having drunk enough water

– not having had enough sleep

– lacking something to eat

If you haven’t slept well for a few nights and you’ve been working too hard, a few not too tactful comments from your partner can leave you considering divorce. It feels as if your relationship is in tatters, that you need to take a life-changing, dramatic and risky step; that the compromises, accommodations and love of the last few years have all been wasted. The problem looks enormous. But actually it isn’t. All that’s wrong is that you are tired. It’s shockingly hard for us to distinguish between a need of the body and a harrowing emotional conflict.

Or it might be that, having skipped breakfast, a tricky work meeting leaves you determined to resign. Things will be tough, certainly, but anything is better than continuing to sell your soul to these mindless fools. The problem looks as if it is huge – one’s career has taken a calamitous turn. Yet the real cause may be no more than depleted blood-sugar levels.

Being told that one’s view of existence is – at this moment – not the product of reason but of indigestion or exhaustion, is utterly maddening. Especially when it is true. We want to believe our woes are essentially all high flown – intellectual, moral and existential – when they are often no more, but also no less, than a disturbance of the body.

We should be careful of over-intellectualising. To be happy, we require big things (money, freedom, love), but we need a lot of semi-insultingly little things too (enough sleep, a good diet, a sunny sky). Babies know this well. They’re usefully unintellectual. They’re on hand to remind us of some profound truths.

The operative question, then, isn’t always ‘how do I feel?’ Self-knowledge might equally derive from asking: how do I function? What role are emotions playing in my life? And it can lead us, crucially, at times to discount them despite their strength. This is the higher capacity to stand aside from one’s feelings.

When you are tired, dehydrated or hungry, stressed or frightened these states of mind alter your perception of reality. The sense become misleading. Other people’s behaviour is liable to look more menacing than it is; we find it harder to grasp their more complex motives. Threats look bigger than they are; sources of security or pleasure look smaller, more fragile and more distant than in truth they are.

The higher position is to recognise that this is a way the self functions. This is what tiredness, dehydration and such states do to us. So we know to be suspicious of certain states of mind, we have to learn not to act on them. Wisdom means getting better at asking: is this reality or might I be seeing things in a distorted way, due to a lack of lunch or 2 hours less sleep.

PHILOSOPHICAL MEDITATION

Ordering our minds rather than emptying them.

Even though our minds ostensibly belong to us, we don’t always control or know what is in them. There are always some ideas, bang in the middle of consciousness, that are thoroughly and immediately clear to us: for example, that we love our children. Or that we have to be out of the house by 7.40am. Or, that we are keen to have something salty to eat right now. These thoughts feel obvious without burdening us with uncertainty or any requirement that we reflect harder on them.

But a host of other ideas tend to hover in a far more unfocused state. For example, we may know that our career needs to change, but it’s hard to say much more. Or we feel some resentment against our partner over an upsetting incident the night before, but we can’t pin down with any accuracy what we’re in fact bitter or sad about. Our confusions sometimes have a positive character about them but are perplexing all the same: perhaps there was something deeply ‘exciting’ about a canal-side cafe we discovered in Amsterdam or the sight of a person reading on a train or the way the sun lit up the sky in the evening after the storm, but it may be equally hard to put a finger on the meaning of these feelings.

Unfocused thoughts are constantly orbiting our minds, but from where we are, from the observatory of our conscious selves (as it were), we can’t grasp them distinctly. We speak of needing to ‘sort our heads out’ or to ‘get on top of things’, but quite how one does something like this isn’t obvious – or very much discussed. There is one response to dealing with our minds that has become immensely popular in the West in recent years. Drawn from the traditions of Buddhism, the practice of meditation has gripped the Western imagination, presenting itself as a solution to the problems of our chaotic minds. It is estimated that 1 in 10 adults in the US has taken part in some form of structured meditation.

Adherents of meditation suggest that we sit very quietly, in a particular bodily position, and strive, through a variety of exercises, to empty our minds of content, quite literally to push or draw away the disturbing and unfocused objects of consciousness to the periphery of our minds, leaving a central space empty and serene. In the Buddhist world-view, anxieties and excitements are not trying to tell us anything especially interesting or valuable. We continuously fret without good purpose, about this or that random and vain thing – and therefore the best solution is simply to push the objects of the mind to one side.

Buddhist meditation has been so successful, we are liable to forget another effective and in some ways superior path to finding peace of mind, this one rooted in the Western tradition: Philosophical Meditation. Like its Eastern counterpart, Philosophical Meditation wants our thoughts, feelings and anxieties to trouble us less, but it seeks to sort out our minds in a very different manner. At heart, it doesn’t believe that the contents of our minds are nonsensical or meaningless. Our worries may seem like a nuisance but they are in fact neurotically garbled but important signals about how we should direct our lives. They contain complex clues as to our development. Therefore, rather than wanting simply to empty our minds of content, practitioners of Philosophical Meditation encourage us to clean these minds up: they want to bring the content that troubles us more securely into focus, and thereby usher in calm through understanding rather than through evacuation.

How does one bring the confused objects of the mind into focus? There are instructions for Philosophical Meditation, just as there are for Buddhist Meditation (a little artificiality in these matters may just be what we need to lend the process discipline). The first priority is to set aside a bit of time, ideally 20 minutes, once a day. One should sit with a pad of paper and start by asking oneself a very simple set of questions: what is it that I am regretful, anxious or excited about at present? One is invited to download the immediate contents of one’s mind. One will by nature be a little unsure of what our feelings mean, so it is best simply to write down – without thinking or censoring ourselves – one or two words around each feeling. It’s a case of tipping out the contents of the mind onto the paper as unselfconsciously as possible. One might, for example, write down: Darren, Cologne trip, weekend, shoes, Mum, face at train station… The task is then to try to convert each of these words from an ambiguous and silent worry, regret or thrill into something one can understand, grasp, order and eventually better control. Success in this meditation relies on a skilful process of questioning. Imagine these thoughts as ineloquent and muddled strangers, who are full of valuable ideas, but whom one has to get to know in a roundabout way, by directing just the right questions at them. [See the link at the end of this piece for a more complete Guide to Philosophical Meditation]

Philosophical Meditation brings us calm not by removing issues, but by helping us to understand them, thereby evaporating some of the paranoia and static that might otherwise cling to them. When confused objects of consciousness become clearer, they stop bothering us quite so much. Problems don’t disappear, but they assume proportion and can be managed. For example, we may make ourselves at home with an array of administrative worries that had been clumsily concealed under the vague title of ‘the Cologne trip’. The word ‘Darren’ might disclose someone we envy, but who holds out a fascinating run of clues as to how we might make a new move in our career. The word ‘weekend’ yields feelings towards one’s partner which are both resentful and yet capable of being discussed and perhaps worked through in the evening. Sorting out our minds doesn’t just feel comforting (like tidying our homes), it also spares us grave errors.

Confused excitement can be highly dangerous when it involves career ambitions. Imagine someone with a tendency to experience excitement when reading Vogue or Gourmet Traveller – and who then declares, without much attempt to analyse the feeling, that they want ‘to work in magazines’. It may seem reasonable enough for them to send off a CV to the magazine company HQ. After many efforts, they may be offered a lowly internship. It might take a few years and a lot of heartache before they realise that it wasn’t really the magazines themselves that were the true object of their attraction to begin with. Actually what was really speaking to this person was the idea of working in a close-knit team in an area that wasn’t finance (where Mum, a caustic and forbidding figure, puritanical in matters of sex and money, spent her career). Philosophical Meditation can, among other things, save us a lot of time.

Similar dangers play out when one is upset or anxious. Imagine that yesterday you had dinner at the house of a conspicuously successful friend. They’d just got back from a holiday in the Maldives and were telling you about their latest business venture in pharmaceuticals. You left feeling restless and annoyed, but you didn’t know why. Your own life felt flat and dispiriting. Vague plans about what to do swirled around in your head. Maybe you could have a brilliant idea and start a business. Somehow you wanted your life to be more like your friend’s. But what is a brilliant idea in business? How does one get going?

Then your partner said something about having set up a dinner with her mother. At that moment, from somewhere mysterious in you, you felt a wave of anger – and shouted something about the house always being left in such a mess. After all, there was a set of dirty plates in your field of vision. But your partner said you were crazy, the house wasn’t that messy anyway, and how long would it take to tidy away a few plates in the first place…? She walked out of the room crossly and so tonight, you’ll be sleeping on the sofa again for a whole set of reasons that it’s now becoming very hard to disentangle, let alone discuss with any degree of maturity.

Countless agonies and mistakes stem from not properly analysing our confused inner experiences. We pick the wrong job; get together with the wrong person, run away from the right person; spend our money on the wrong things and don’t do justice to our talents and deeper aspirations. Acting without Philosophical Meditation is like being allowed to embark on a trip without checking the equipment or the map. We trust the feelings without duly acknowledging that they may prompt us in some catastrophic directions.

The longing to empty the mind, to calm turbulent thoughts isn’t completely opposed to the exercise of cleaning up the mind, decoding, analysing and ordering its contents. It’s just that at the moment, as societies, we have allowed ourselves to get overly seduced by the promise of tranquility, so that we always strive to empty the mind, instead of attempting to understand its contents. We see our agitation as the result of thinking too much, rather than of not having – as yet – thought enough. It’s time for our societies to take on board the promises and advantages of Philosophical Meditation.

For a step-by-step guide to Philosophical Meditation, see here .

THE ART OF CONVERSATION

How can one improve and speed up self-knowledge.

One of the key ways in which we can get to know ourselves and others is through conversation. Unfortunately, we tend to have a ‘Romantic’ conception of conversation. We believe that in the right setting – distressed old wooden tables, food from Liguria, bruschetta – conversation will flow naturally, without special effort.

The reality is that conversation is an achievement, something we might need to learn. Key to it is having the right questions to hand.

Approach self-knowledge as a game. It can be fun.

Let’s look at some very good questions to ask via the 100x question packs done by the School of Life.

For example:

What would you most like to be complimented on in a relationship? Where do you think you’re especially good as a person?

Which of your flaws do you want to be treated more generously?

What would you tell your younger self about love?

What is one incident you would like to apologise to a lover or friend for?

Finish the following sentences:

When I am anxious in a relationship, I tend to….

The other then tends to respond by….

which makes me…

When I argue, on the surface I show ……, but inside I feel….

Without thinking too hard, let’s finish these sentence stems about our feelings towards one another:

I am puzzled by…

I am hurt by…

I am afraid that…

I am frustrated by…

I am happier when…

I appreciate…

WHAT DOES THE WISE PERSON END UP KNOWING ABOUT THEMSELVES?

Of course, what individuals know is specific to them. But we can still identify the kind of things they know. If someone gains a lot of self-knowledge how would this show up in their behaviour? How would self-knowledge impact on their lives? Self-knowledge isn’t so much a set of statements that one gives assent to. Rather it’s a set of capacities for dealing better with one’s needs and weaknesses and generally being better at handling oneself. The wise, self-knowing person …

— Would be less prone to blame others for their troubles. They get upset, they get bothered, they feel anxious; things still go wrong. But self-knowledge admits the full extent of responsibility. So annoyance doesn’t get channelled into being angry with the wrong person – who isn’t really to blame.

— They’d likely be less frustrated at work: it’s not that they have the perfect job. They know themselves well enough to seek out the kind of work they can do comfortably; they don’t push needlessly to get ahead; they can cope fairly well with criticism, so they don’t get unduly anxious in a competitive environment.

— They’d panic a bit less: panic is caused by fear; and mostly the fear is psychological, rather than physical – fear of humiliation of rejection or being bored. Great self-knowledge diminishes these fears.

— They’d be less prone to envy – because envy often comes from not quite knowing what you really need.

—They don’t stress quite so much about money; that’s because they are more alert to what really matters to them; they are less given to impulse spending; they are better at saving.

— They might have fewer crushes. They don’t project wildly onto others and so are less likely to suppose that a stranger glimpsed on a train or at the next table is their ideal soul-mate.

— They are good at apologising, partly because they can fully appreciate that they are at times very annoying – even if unintentionally so – to others. They can mull over the fact that they might be in the wrong, without getting too defensive.  

— They tend to be good conversationalists. Because they are alert to why they do things as they do – and don’t merely assert what they do think. They’re also slow to assume that others automatically think as they do. They can identify widely with different kinds of people because they can pick up on many different aspects of their own experience at different stages of life.

Full Article Index

• 01. On Feeling Manic
• 02. Ostracism Anxiety
• 03. The Need For A Modern Monastery
• 04. Why the World Can Seem So Frightening – and How to Make It Feel Less So
• 05. Four Ways of Coping With Anxiety
• 06. Might You Be Hypervigilant? A Sombre Questionnaire
• 07. A Question to Ask Ourselves When We're Feeling Low and Paranoid
• 08. The Importance of Not Knowing
• 09. Why We May Be Addicted to Crises
• 10. The Causes of Obsessive Thinking
• 11. What Our Bodies are Trying to Tell Us
• 12. Anxiety-as-Denial
• 13. Our Anxious Ancestry
• 14. Auditing Our Worries
• 15. Why We May Need a Convalescence
• 16. Don't Hope for the Best; Expect the Worst
• 17. The Age of Agitation
• 18. How to Sleep Better
• 19. How and Why We Catastrophise
• 20. On Being 'Triggered'
• 21. OCD — and How to Overcome It
• 22. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 23. Signs You Might Be Suffering from Complex PTSD
• 24. On Skin Picking
• 25. Stoicism and Tigers Who Come to Tea
• 26. The Seven Most Calming Works of Art in the World
• 27. After the Storm
• 28. Thoughts for the Storm
• 29. Emotional Maturity in a Crisis
• 30. Preparing for Disaster
• 31. How to Stop Being Scared All the Time
• 32. The Ultimate Dark Source of Security
• 33. What Everybody Really Wants
• 34. Simplicity & Anxiety
• 35. A Way Through Panic Attacks
• 36. Self-Hatred & Anxiety
• 37. The Question We Should Ask Ourselves When Anxious
• 38. On Anxiety
• 39. The True Cause of Dread and Anxiety
• 40. On Being Scared All the Time
• 41. The Importance of Having A Breakdown
• 42. On Asking for Help
• 43. The Normality of Anxiety Attacks
• 44. On Panic Attacks
• 01. Might I Be Feeling Lonely Rather Than Worried?
• 02. A Place for Despair
• 03. On Being Gaslit In Our Childhoods
• 04. How to Make It Through
• 05. When Our Battery is Running Low
• 06. The Many Moods We Pass Through
• 07. When I Am Called to Die
• 08. If You Stopped Running, What Would You Need to Feel?
• 09. Can We Live With the Truth?
• 10. Five Questions to Ask Yourself Every Evening
• 11. Why Things May Need to Get Worse Before They Can Get Better
• 12. The Limits of the Conscious Mind
• 13. Why Life is Always Difficult
• 14. What is a Transcendental Experience?
• 15. Building the Cathedral
• 16. Rewriting Our Inner Scripts
• 17. What Sleeping Babies Can Teach Us
• 18. How to Endure
• 19. Everything Is So Weird
• 20. Escaping Into History
• 21. The Inevitability of Choice
• 22. What Would Jesus Do?
• 23. Stop Worrying About Your Reputation
• 24. You Still Have Time
• 25. I Will Survive!
• 26. On Trying to Control the Future
• 27. A Few Things Still to Be Grateful For
• 28. No One Knows
• 29. There is No Happily Ever After
• 30. The Catastrophe You Fear Will Happen has Already Happened
• 31. There is Always a Plan B
• 32. The Consolations of History
• 33. The Lessons of Nature
• 34. What Others Think of You - and The Fall of Icarus
• 35. On the Sublime
• 36. Gratitude for the Small Things
• 37. Why ‘Earthrise’ Matters
• 38. On Flowers
• 39. The Valuable Idea Behind the Concept of the Day of Judgement
• 40. The Wisdom of Animals
• 41. The Lottery of Life
• 42. Untranslatable Words
• 43. The Wisdom of Rocks: Gongshi
• 44. Wu Wei – Doing Nothing 無爲
• 45. The Faulty Walnut
• 46. Perspectives on Insomnia
• 47. On the Wisdom of Space
• 48. Memento Mori
• 49. On the Wisdom of Cows
• 50. On Calming Places
• 51. Why Small Pleasures Are a Big Deal
• 52. The Consolations of a Bath
• 53. The Importance of Staring out the Window
• 54. Clouds, Trees, Streams
• 55. On Sunshine
• 01. The Ecstatic Joy We Deny Ourselves
• 02. Why Illusions Are Necessary to Achieve Anything
• 03. Preparing for a Decent Night of Sleep
• 04. Returning Anger to Where It Belongs
• 05. Controlling Insomnia – and Life – Through Pessimism
• 06. How to Be Cool the Yoruba Way
• 07. Why We Should Refuse to Get into Arguments
• 08. The Perils of Making Predictions
• 09. Making Peace with Life's Mystery
• 10. The Promise of an Unblemished Life
• 11. Daring to Be Simple
• 12. Haikus and Appreciation
• 13. The Call of Calm
• 14. What Would Paradise Look Like?
• 15. How to Process Your Emotions
• 16. The Wisdom of Dusk
• 17. The Appeal of Austere Places
• 18. How to Go to Bed Earlier
• 19. Why We All Need Quiet Days
• 20. The Benefits of Provincial Life
• 21. How to Live in a Hut
• 22. For Those Who (Privately) Aspire to Become More Reclusive
• 23. The Hard Work of Being 'Lazy'
• 24. Expectations - and the 80/20 Rule
• 25. Taking It One Day at a Time
• 26. Spirituality for People who Hate Spirituality
• 27. How to Spill A Drink Down One’s Front - and Survive
• 28. How To Stop Worrying Whether or Not They Like You
• 29. On Soothing
• 30. What Is Wrong with Modern Times - and How to Regain Wisdom
• 31. The Disaster of Anthropocentrism - and the Promise of the Transcendent
• 32. On Needing to Find Something to Worry About — Why We Always Worry for No Reason
• 33. How We Are Easily, Too Easily, 'Triggered'
• 34. Hypervigilance
• 35. If The Worst Came to the Worst...
• 36. The Wonders of an Ordinary Life
• 37. In Praise of the Quiet Life
• 38. The Pursuit of Calm
• 39. Insomnia and Philosophy
• 01. African Proverbs to Live By
• 02. Why We Are Haunted by Ghosts of the Past
• 03. How to Be Cool the Yoruba Way
• 01. What Goes With What
• 02. Eight Rules to Create Nicer Cities
• 03. The Secret Toll of Our Ugly World
• 04. Henri Rousseau
• 05. Albrecht Dürer and his Pillows
• 06. On the Consolations of Home | Georg Friedrich Kersting
• 07. Francisco Goya's Masterpiece
• 08. How Industry Restores Our Faith in Humanity
• 09. Rembrandt as a Guide to Kindness
• 10. Buildings That Give Hope - and Buildings That Condemn Us
• 11. Katsushika Hokusai
• 12. Agnes Martin
• 13. The Importance of Architecture
• 14. The Secret of Beauty: Order and Complexity
• 15. Le Corbusier
• 16. Two World Views: Romantic and Classical
• 17. Oscar Niemeyer
• 18. Against Obscurity
• 19. Why Do Scandinavians Have Such Impeccable Taste in Interior Design?
• 20. Art for Art's Sake
• 21. Why We Need to Create a Home
• 22. Why You Should Never Say: ‘Beauty Lies in the Eye of the Beholder’
• 23. Andrea Palladio
• 24. Why Design Matters
• 25. On Good and Bad Taste
• 26. On How to Make an Attractive City
• 27. Art as Therapy
• 28. On Ugliness and the Housing Crisis
• 29. Johannes Vermeer
• 30. Caspar David Friedrich
• 31. Henri Matisse
• 32. Edward Hopper
• 33. Louis Kahn
• 34. Coco Chanel
• 35. Jane Jacobs
• 36. Cy Twombly
• 37. Andy Warhol
• 38. Dieter Rams
• 39. A Therapeutic Approach to Art
• 40. Christo and Jeanne-Claude 
• 41. On the Importance of Drawing
• 42. On Art as a Reminder
• 43. On the Price of Art Works
• 44. Secular Chapels
• 45. Relativism and Urban Planning
• 46. What Art Museums Should Be For
• 47. On Fakes and Originals
• 48. The Museum Gift Shop
• 01. What We Might Learn From The Dandies of The Congo
• 02. The Beauty of Komorebi
• 03. The Past Was Not in Black and White
• 04. The Drawer of Odd Things
• 05. Why Middle-Aged Men Think So Often About the Roman Empire
• 06. The Consolations of Catastrophe
• 07. What is the Point of History?
• 08. What Rothko's Art Teaches Us About Suffering
• 09. The Value of Reading Things We Disagree with
• 10. Easter for Atheists
• 11. The Life House
• 12. Why Philosophy Should Become More Like Pop Music
• 13. Why Stoicism Continues to Matter
• 14. The School of Life: What We Believe
• 15. Cultural Mining
• 16. Lego – the Movies
• 17. Philosophy – the Movies
• 18. History of Ideas – the Movies
• 19. Sociology – the Movies
• 20. Political Theory – the Movies
• 21. Psychotherapy – the Movies
• 22. Greek Philosophy – the Movies
• 23. Eastern Philosophy – the Movies
• 24. Art – the Movies
• 25. On Aphorisms
• 26. What Comes After Religion?
• 27. The Serious Business of Clothes
• 28. What Is the Point of the Humanities?
• 29. Why Music Works
• 30. The Importance of Music
• 31. The Importance of Books
• 32. What Is Comedy For?
• 33. What Is Philosophy For?
• 34. What Is Art For?
• 35. What Is History For?
• 36. What Is Psychotherapy For?
• 37. What Is Literature For?
• 38. The Joys of Sport
• 01. Following in the Buddha's Footsteps
• 02. Six Persimmons
• 03. The Four Hindu Stages of Life
• 04. Rice or Wheat? The Difference Between Eastern and Western Cultures
• 05. Eastern vs Western Views of Happiness
• 06. Four Great Ideas from Hinduism
• 07. Zen Buddhism and Fireflies
• 08. Six Ideas from Eastern Philosophy
• 09. Wu Wei – Doing Nothing 無爲
• 10. Kintsugi 金継ぎ
• 12. Lao Tzu
• 13. Confucius
• 14. Sen no Rikyū
• 15. Matsuo Basho
• 16. Mono No Aware
• 17. Guan Yin
• 18. Gongshi
• 20. Kintsugi
• 22. Why so Many Love the Philosophy of the East - and so Few That of the West
• 01. It Isn't About the Length of a Life...
• 02. On Luxury and Sadness
• 03. On Not Being Able To Cook Very Well
• 04. Food as Therapy
• 05. What We Really Like to Eat When No One is Looking
• 06. What Meal Might Suit My Mood? Questionnaire
• 01. Charles Dickens's Secret
• 02. Giuseppe di Lampedusa — The Leopard
• 03. Sei Shōnagon — The Pillow Book
• 04. Kakuzo Okakura — The Book of Tea
• 05. Victor Hugo and the Art of Contempt
• 06. Edward Gibbon — The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
• 07. How to Read Fewer Books
• 08. The Downfall of Oscar Wilde
• 09. What Voltaire Meant by 'One Must Cultivate One's Own Garden'
• 10. James Baldwin
• 11. Camus and The Plague
• 12. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
• 13. Charles Dickens  
• 14. Gustave Flaubert
• 15. Fyodor Dostoevsky
• 16. Marcel Proust
• 17. Books as Therapy
• 18. Jane Austen
• 19. Leo Tolstoy
• 20. Virginia Woolf
• 21. James Joyce
• 01. Machiavelli's Advice for Nice Guys
• 02. Niccolò Machiavelli
• 03. Thomas Hobbes
• 04. Jean-Jacques Rousseau
• 05. Adam Smith
• 06. Karl Marx
• 07. John Ruskin
• 08. Henry David Thoreau
• 09. Thoreau and Civil Disobedience
• 10. Matthew Arnold
• 11. William Morris
• 12. Friedrich Hayek
• 13. John Rawls
• 01. What Should A Good Therapist Do For Us?
• 02. The Usefulness Of Speaking Your Feelings To An Empty Chair
• 03. What's the Bit of Therapy That Heals You?
• 04. Why We Need Therapy When We Give Up on Religion
• 05. How Psychotherapy Might Truly Help Us
• 06. Why You Should Take a Sentence Completion Test
• 07. Carl Jung's Word Association Test
• 08. Freud's Porcupine
• 09. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 10. How the Modern World Makes Us Mentally Ill
• 11. Twenty Key Concepts from Psychotherapy
• 12. Why Psychotherapy Works
• 13. The True and the False Self
• 14. What Happens in Psychotherapy? Four Case Studies
• 15. The Problem of Psychological Asymmetry
• 16. Freud on Sublimation
• 17. Sigmund Freud
• 18. Anna Freud
• 19. Melanie Klein
• 20. Donald Winnicott
• 21. John Bowlby 
• 22. A Short Dictionary of Psychoanalysis
• 23. Jacques Lacan
• 01. You Are Living in the Greatest Museum in the World
• 02. When Something is Beautiful...
• 03. Albrecht Dürer and his Pillows
• 04. How Giraffes Can Teach Us to Wonder
• 05. Sun Worship
• 06. The Importance of Dancing Like an Idiot
• 07. Walking in the Woods
• 08. Getting More Serious about Pleasure
• 09. On Going to the Zoo
• 10. The Fish Shop
• 11. On Small Islands
• 12. On Stars
• 13. On Grandmothers
• 14. Up at Dawn
• 15. On Crimes in the Newspapers
• 16. Driving on the Motorway at Night
• 17. On Sunday Mornings
• 18. A Favourite Old Jumper
• 19. Holding Hands with a Small Child
• 20. Feeling at Home in the Sea
• 21. The Book That Understands You
• 22. Old Photos of One’s Parents
• 23. Whispering in Bed in the Dark
• 24. On Feeling That Someone Else is So Wrong
• 25. The First Day of Feeling Well Again
• 01. St. Benedict 
• 02. Alexis de Tocqueville 
• 03. Auguste Comte
• 04. Max Weber
• 05. Emile Durkheim
• 06. Margaret Mead
• 07. Theodor Adorno
• 08. Rachel Carson
• 01. Three Essays on Flight
• 02. The Wisdom of Islamic Gardens
• 03. A World Without Air Travel
• 04. Walking in the Woods
• 05. Why We Argue in Paradise
• 06. The Advantages of Staying at Home
• 07. The Wisdom of Nature
• 08. The Holidays When You're Feeling Mentally Unwell
• 09. The Shortest Journey: On Going for a Walk around the Block
• 10. How to Spend a Few Days in Paris
• 11. Why Germans Can Say Things No One Else Can
• 12. Travel as Therapy - an Introduction
• 13. Lunch, 30,000 Feet – for Comfort
• 14. The Western Desert, Australia – for Humility
• 15. Glenpark Road, Birmingham - for Boredom
• 16. Comuna 13, San Javier, Medellin, Colombia - for Dissatisfaction
• 17. Pumping Station, Isla Mayor, Seville - for Snobbery
• 18. Eastown Theatre, Detroit - for Perspective
• 19. Capri Hotel, Changi Airport, Singapore - for Thinking
• 20. Cafe de Zaak, Utrecht - for Sex Education
• 21. Corner shop, Kanagawaken, Yokohama - for Shyness
• 22. Monument Valley, USA - for Calm
• 23. Heathrow Airport, London – for Awe
• 24. Pefkos Beach, Rhodes - for Anxiety
• 01. On Flying Too Close to the Sun - And Not Flying Close Enough
• 02. Kierkegaard on Love
• 03. Aristotle
• 04. Baruch Spinoza
• 05. Arthur Schopenhauer
• 06. Blaise Pascal
• 07. Six Ideas from Western Philosophy
• 08. Introduction to The Curriculum
• 10. The Stoics
• 11. Epicurus
• 12. Augustine
• 13. Boethius and The Consolation of Philosophy
• 14. Thomas Aquinas
• 15. Michel de Montaigne
• 16. La Rochefoucauld
• 17. Voltaire
• 18. David Hume
• 19. Immanuel Kant
• 21. Hegel Knew There Would Be Days Like These
• 22. Ralph Waldo Emerson
• 23. Nietzsche
• 24. Nietzsche, Regret and Amor Fati
• 25. Nietzsche and Envy
• 26. Martin Heidegger
• 27. Ludwig Wittgenstein
• 28. Jean-Paul Sartre
• 29. Albert Camus
• 30. Michel Foucault
• 31. Jacques Derrida
• 32. E. M. Cioran
• 01. What to Say in Response to an Affair
• 02. How To Handle the Desire for Affairs?
• 03. What Does It Take To Be Good at Affairs?
• 04. What Ideally Happens When An Affair is Discovered?
• 05. When Does An Affair Begin?  
• 06. A Brief History of Affairs
• 07. How to Reduce the Risk of Affairs
• 08. The Role of Sex in Affairs
• 09. How To Spot A Couple That Might Be Headed For An Affair
• 10. How Can An Affair Help A Marriage?
• 11. The Pleasures of Affairs
• 12. The Pains of Affairs
• 13. The Meaning of Infidelity
• 14. Loyalty and Adultery
• 15. Why People Have Affairs: Distance and Closeness
• 01. The Pains of Heartbreak
• 02. Those Who Cannot Feel Love Until It Is Over
• 03. The Heroism of Leaving a Relationship
• 04. Exquisite Agony in Love
• 05. Why It Should Not Have to Last Forever...
• 06. When Does a Divorce Begin?
• 07. Rethinking Divorce
• 08. Three Questions to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Leave a Relationship
• 09. Stop Repeating the Same Mistakes
• 10. There's Nothing Wrong with Being on Your Own
• 11. The Wrong Idea of a Baddie
• 12. Finding Closure After a Breakup
• 13. Should Sex Ever Be a Reason to Break Up?
• 14. When a Relationship Fails, Who Rejected Whom?
• 15. The Fear of Not Being Able to Cope Practically Without a Partner
• 16. The Fear of Ending a Relationship
• 17. What About the Children When Divorce is on the Cards?
• 18. What If I Just Repeat the Same Mistakes Next Time?
• 19. Are My Expectations Too High?
• 20. Overcoming Nostalgia for a Past Relationship
• 21. The Feeling of Being Back in Love with the Person You're About to Leave
• 22. The Capacity to Give up on People
• 23. For Those Stuck in a Relationship
• 24. 10 Ideas for People Afraid to Exit a Relationship
• 25. People Who Want to Own Us - but Not Nourish Us
• 26. The Hardest Person in the World to Break up With
• 27. A Non-Tragic View of Breaking Up
• 28. A Guide to Breaking Up
• 29. How to Reject Someone Kindly
• 30. When Someone We Love Has Died
• 31. Why Did They Leave Us?
• 32. How to Break Up
• 33. How We Can Have Our Hearts Broken Even Though No One Has Left Us
• 34. The Psychology of Our Exes
• 35. 'Unfair Dismissal' in Love
• 36. How Not to Be Tortured By a Love Rival
• 37. Coping with Betrayal
• 38. Can Exes be Friends?
• 39. How to Get Over Someone
• 40. Why True Love Doesn’t Have to Last Forever
• 41. How to Get Over a Rejection
• 42. How to End a Relationship
• 43. Stay or Leave?
• 44. How to Get Divorced
• 45. On Forgetting Lovers
• 46. How Not to Break Up with Someone
• 01. The Appeal of Rescuing Other People
• 02. Daring to Love
• 03. People Pleasers in Relationships
• 04. People Not to Fall in Love With
• 05. Picking Partners Who Won't Understand Us
• 06. How Do Emotionally Healthy People Behave In Relationships? 
• 07. The Avoidant Partner With The Power To Drive You Mad
• 08. On Picking a Socially Unsuitable Partner
• 09. How to Sustain Love: A Tool
• 10. Questions To Ask About Someone We Are Thinking Of Committing To
• 11. Our Two Great Fears in Love
• 12. The Pains of Preoccupied Attachment
• 13. Are You Afraid of Intimacy?
• 14. Why You Will Never Quite Get it Right in Love
• 15. Understanding Attachment Theory
• 16. Why We 'Split' Our Partners
• 17. Why We Love People Who Don't Love Us Back
• 18. Should I Be With Them?
• 19. The Seven Rules of Successful Relationships
• 20. Why We Must Explain Our Own Needs
• 21. How Good Are You at Communication in Love? Questionnaire
• 22. Why Some Couples Last — and Some Don't
• 23. The Difference Between Fragile and Strong Couples
• 24. What Relationships Should Really Be About
• 25. The Real Reason Why Couples Break Up
• 26. 6 Reasons We Choose Badly in Love
• 27. Can People Change?
• 28. Konrad Lorenz & Why You Choose the Partners You Choose
• 29. The Stranger You Live With
• 30. The Attachment Style Questionnaire
• 31. Why Anxious and Avoidant Partners Find It Hard to Leave One Another
• 32. The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships — Can Couples With Different Attachment Styles Work?
• 33. On Rescue Fantasies
• 34. How to Cope with an Avoidant Partner
• 35. What Is Your Attachment Style?
• 36. 'I Will Never Find the Right Partner'
• 37. Too Close or Too Distant: How We Stand in Relationships
• 38. How Are You Difficult to Live with?
• 39. Why We're Compelled to Love Difficult People
• 40. Why Your Lover is Very Damaged - and Annoying
• 41. Why Tiny Things about Our Partners Drive Us Mad
• 42. How to Love Ugly People
• 43. Why Polyamory Probably Won’t Work for You
• 44. Why We Go Cold on Our Partners
• 45. An Instruction Manual to Oneself
• 46. The Terrors of Being Loved
• 47. The Partner as Child Theory
• 48. On the Fear of Intimacy
• 49. Meet the Parents
• 50. On Finding the 'Right' Person
• 51. If You Loved Me, You Wouldn't Want to Change Me
• 52. The Problems of Closeness
• 01. How to Break Logjams in a Relationship
• 02. The Miseries of Push-Pull Relationships 
• 03. A Way To Break Logjams In A Couple
• 04. When Your Partner Loves You – but Does Their Best to Drive You Away...
• 05. A Rule to Help Your Relationship
• 06. Secret Grudges We May Have Against the Other Gender
• 07. The Demand for Perfection in Love
• 08. On Being Upset Without Knowing It
• 09. Who is Afraid of Intimacy?
• 10. Why Good Manners Matter in Relationships
• 11. A Role for Lies
• 12. The Secret Lives of Other Couples
• 13. On Saying 'I Hate You' to Someone You Love
• 14. When Love Isn't Easy
• 15. Two Questions to Repair a Relationship
• 16. Three Steps to Resolving Conflicts in Relationships
• 17. Stop Avoiding Conflict
• 18. An Alternative to Passive Aggression
• 19. Why We Must Soften What We Say to Our Partners
• 20. How to Be Less Defensive in Love
• 21. On Gaslighting
• 22. Why We Play Games in Love
• 23. On 'Rupture' and 'Repair'
• 24. Why it's OK to Want a Partner to Change
• 25. On Arguing More Nakedly
• 26. Do You Still Love Me?
• 27. Why We Need to Feel Heard
• 28. Five Questions to Ask of Bad Behaviour
• 29. The Art of Complaining
• 30. The Challenges of Communication
• 31. How To Have Fewer Bitter Arguments in Love
• 32. The Arguments We Have From Guilt
• 33. Attention-Seeking Arguments
• 34. When Our Partners Are Being Excessively Logical
• 35. When We Tell Our Partners That We Are Normal and They Are Strange
• 36. When Your Partner Tries to Stop You Growing
• 37. When Your Partner Starts Crying Hysterically During an Argument
• 38. Why We Sometimes Set Out to Shatter Our Lover's Good Mood
• 39. Why People Get Defensive in Relationships
• 40. A History of Arguments
• 41. The Fights When There Is No Sex
• 42. What We Might Learn in Couples Therapy
• 43. On the Tendency to Love and Hate Excessively
• 44. An Alternative to Being Controlling
• 45. Why We Should Not Silently Suffer From A Lack of Touch in Love
• 46. Why Anger Has a Place in Love
• 47. The Importance of Relationship Counselling
• 48. How to Argue in Relationships
• 49. Why We (Sometimes) Hope the People We Love Might Die
• 50. Be the Change You Want To See
• 51. I Wish I Was Still Single
• 52. Love and Sulking
• 53. On Being Unintentionally Hurt
• 54. The Secret Problems of Other Couples
• 55. On the Dangers of Being Too Defensive
• 56. On How to Defuse an Argument
• 57. How to Save Love with Pessimism
• 58. How 'Transference' Makes You Hard to Live With
• 59. Why You Resent Your Partner
• 60. Why It Is Always Your Partner's Fault
• 61. If It Wasn't for You...
• 62. Why You Are So Annoyed By What You Once Admired
• 63. Why You’re (Probably) Not a Great Communicator
• 01. The Need for Honesty on Early Dates
• 02. Why Dating Apps Won't Help You Find Love
• 03. Being Honest on a Date
• 04. Why Haven't They Called - and the Rorschach Test
• 05. Dating When You've Had a Bad Childhood
• 06. Varieties of Madness Commonly Met with On Dates
• 07. How to Seduce with Confidence
• 08. A Brief History of Dating
• 09. How to Prove Attractive to Someone on a Date
• 10. Existentialism and Dating
• 11. What to Talk About on a Date
• 12. What to Eat and Drink on a Date
• 13. How to Seduce Someone on a Date
• 14. How Not to Think on a Date
• 01. Getting Better at Picking Lovers
• 02. How We May Be Creating The Lovers We Fear
• 03. What If the People We Could Love Are Here Already; We Just Can't See Them?
• 04. The Lengths We Go to Avoid Love
• 05. Our Secret Wish Never to Find Love
• 06. Why We All End up Marrying Our Parents
• 07. True Love Begins With Self-Love
• 08. The Importance of Being Single
• 09. Why We Keep Choosing Bad Partners
• 10. Celebrity Crushes
• 11. Romantic Masochism
• 12. What Do You Love Me For?
• 13. If Love Never Came
• 14. On the Madness and Charm of Crushes
• 15. Why Only the Happy Single Find True Love
• 16. Should We Play It Cool When We Like Someone?
• 17. In Praise of Unrequited Love
• 18. Two Reasons Why You Might Still Be Single
• 19. How We Choose a Partner
• 20. Why Flirting Matters
• 21. Why, Once You Understand Love, You Could Love Anyone
• 22. Mate Selection
• 23. Reasons to Remain Single
• 24. How to Enjoy a New Relationship
• 01. Alternatives to Romantic Monogamy
• 02. Twenty Ideas on Marriage
• 03. For Moments of Marital Crisis
• 04. What to Do on Your Wedding Night
• 05. Who Should You Invite to Your Wedding?
• 06. Pragmatic Reasons for Getting Married
• 07. The Standard Marriage and Its Seven Alternatives
• 08. Utopian Marriage
• 09. When Is One Ready to Get Married?
• 10. On the Continuing Relevance of Marriage
• 11. On Marrying the Wrong Person — 9 Reasons We Will Regret Getting Married
• 01. What Are We Lying To Our Lovers About? 
• 02. Those Who Have to Wait for a War to Say ‘I Love You’
• 03. What Celebrity Stalkers Can Teach Us About Love
• 04. The Achievement of Missing Someone
• 05. How Love Can Teach Us Who We Are
• 06. Beyond the Need for Melodrama in Love
• 07. True Love is Boring
• 08. How to Make Love Last Forever
• 09. How to Be Vulnerable
• 10. Why You Can't Read Your Partner's Mind
• 11. What Teddy Bears Teach Us About Love
• 12. What Role Do You Play in Your Relationship?
• 13. Why We Should Be 'Babyish' in Love
• 14. The Maturity of Regression
• 15. The Benefits of Insecurity in Love
• 16. Taking the Pressure off Love
• 17. A Pledge for Lovers
• 18. A Projection Exercise for Couples
• 19. A New Ritual: The Morning and Evening Kiss
• 20. Can Our Phones Solve Our Love Lives?
• 21. If We're All Bad at Love, Shouldn't We Change Our Definition of Normality?
• 22. Other People's Relationships
• 23. How to Cope with an Avoidant Partner
• 24. The Pleasure of Reading Together in Bed
• 25. 22 Questions to Reignite Love
• 26. The Wisdom of Romantic Compromise
• 27. How to Complain
• 28. How We Need to Keep Growing Up
• 29. Teaching and Love
• 30. Love and Self-Love
• 31. Humour in Love
• 32. The Advantages of Long-Distance Love
• 33. In Praise of Hugs
• 34. Why Affectionate Teasing is Kind and Necessary
• 35. The Couple Courtroom Game
• 36. Getting over a Row
• 37. Keeping Secrets in Relationships
• 38. A Lover's Guide to Sulking
• 39. Artificial Conversations
• 40. On the Role of Stories in Love
• 41. On the Hardest Job in the World
• 42. On the Beloved's Wrist
• 01. How Even Very ‘Nice’ Parents Can Mess Up Their Children
• 02. The Parents We Would Love To Have Had: An Exercise
• 03. Fatherless Boys
• 04. How to Raise a Successful Person
• 05. The Problems of Miniature Adults
• 06. Mothers and Daughters
• 07. The Importance of Swords and Guns for Children
• 08. When Parents Won't Let Their Children Grow Up
• 09. The Fragile Parent
• 10. Parenting and People-Pleasing
• 11. Three Kinds of Parental Love
• 12. A Portrait of Tenderness
• 13. What Makes a Good Parent? A Checklist
• 14. On the Curiosity of Children
• 15. How to Lend a Child Confidence
• 16. The Importance of Play
• 17. Why Children Need an Emotional Education
• 18. Coping with One's Parents
• 19. Are Children for Me?
• 20. How Parents Might Let Their Children Know of Their Issues
• 21. How We Crave to Be Soothed
• 22. Escaping the Shadow of a Parent
• 23. On Being Angry with a Parent
• 24. What You Might Want to Tell Your Child About Homework
• 25. On Apologising to Your Child
• 26. Teaching Children about Relationships
• 27. How Should a Parent Love their Child?
• 28. When people pleasers become parents - and need to say 'no'
• 29. On the Sweetness of Children
• 30. Listening to Children
• 31. Whether or not to have Children
• 32. The Children of Snobs
• 33. Why Good Parents Have Naughty Children
• 34. The Joys and Sorrows of Parenting
• 35. The Significance of Parenthood
• 36. Why Family Matters
• 37. Parenting and Working
• 38. On Children's Art
• 39. What Babies Can Teach Us
• 40. Why – When It Comes to Children – Love May Not Be Enough
• 01. What We Really, Really Want in Love
• 02. Falling in Love with a Stranger
• 03. Why We Need 'Ubuntu'
• 04. The Buddhist View of Love
• 05. What True Love Looks Like
• 06. How the Wrong Images of Love Can Ruin Our Lives
• 07. Kierkegaard on Love
• 08. Why Do I Feel So Lonely?
• 09. Pygmalion and your Love life
• 10. How to Love
• 11. What is Love?
• 12. On Romanticism
• 13. A Short History of Love
• 14. The Definition of Love
• 15. Why We Need the Ancient Greek Vocabulary of Love
• 16. The Cure for Love
• 17. Why We Need to Speak of Love in Public
• 18. How Romanticism Ruined Love
• 19. Our Most Romantic Moments
• 20. Loving and Being Loved
• 21. Romantic Realism
• 22. On Being Romantic or Classical
• 01. The Difficulties of Impotence
• 02. What is Sexual Perversion?
• 03. Our Unconscious Fear of Successful Sex
• 04. The Logic of Our Fantasies
• 05. Rethinking Gender
• 06. The Ongoing Complexities of Our Intimate Lives
• 07. On Post-Coital Melancholy
• 08. Desire and Intimacy
• 09. What Makes a Person Attractive?
• 10. How to Talk About Your Sexual Fantasy
• 11. The Problem of Sexual Shame
• 12. Who Initiates Sex: and Why It Matters So Much
• 13. On Still Being a Virgin
• 14. Love and Sex
• 15. Impotence and Respect
• 16. Sexual Non-Liberation
• 17. The Excitement of Kissing
• 18. The Appeal of Outdoor Sex
• 19. The Sexual Fantasies of Others
• 20. On Art and Masturbation
• 21. The Psychology of Cross-Dressing
• 22. The Fear of Being Bad in Bed
• 23. The Sex-Starved Relationship
• 24. How to Start Having Sex Again
• 25. Sexual Liberation
• 26. The Poignancy of Old Pornography
• 27. On Porn Addiction
• 28. A Brief Philosophy of Oral Sex
• 29. Why We Go Off Sex
• 30. On Being a Sleazebag
• 31. A Brief Theory of Sexual Excitement
• 01. Work Outs For Our Minds
• 02. Interviewing Our Bodies
• 03. The Top Dog - Under Dog Exercise
• 04. A Guide For The Recovering Avoidant
• 05. Where Are Humanity’s Problems Really Located?
• 06. On Feeling Obliged 
• 07. Why We Struggle With Self-Discipline
• 08. Why We Should Practice Automatic Writing
• 09. Why We Behave As We Do
• 10. Mechanisms of Defence
• 11. On Always Finding Fault with Others
• 12. The Hidden Logic of Illogical Behaviour
• 13. How to Weaken the Hold of Addiction
• 14. Charles Darwin and The Descent of Man
• 15. Why We Are All Addicts
• 16. Straightforward vs. Complicated People
• 17. Reasons to Give Up on Perfection
• 18. The Need for a Cry
• 19. On Confinement
• 20. The Importance of Singing Badly
• 21. You Don't Need Permission
• 22. On Feeling Stuck
• 23. Am I Paranoid?
• 24. Learning to Be More Selfish
• 25. Learning How to Be Angry
• 26. Why We're All Liars
• 27. Are You a Masochist?
• 28. How Badly Adapted We Are to Life on Earth
• 29. How We Prefer to Act Rather Than Think
• 30. How to Live More Wisely Around Our Phones
• 31. On Dreaming
• 32. The Need to be Alone
• 33. On the Remarkable Need to Speak
• 34. Thinking Too Much; and Thinking Too Little
• 35. On Nagging
• 36. The Prevention of Suicide
• 37. On Getting an Early Night
• 38. Why We Eat Too Much
• 39. On Taking Drugs
• 40. On Perfectionism
• 41. On Procrastination
• 01. Why We Overreact
• 02. Giving Up on People Pleasing
• 03. The Benefits of Forgetfulness
• 04. How to Take Criticism
• 05. A More Spontaneous Life
• 06. On Self-Assertion
• 07. The Benefit of Analogies
• 08. Why We Need Moments of Mad Thinking
• 09. The Task of Turning Vague Thoughts into More Precise Ones
• 10. How to Catch Your Own Thoughts
• 11. Why Our Best Thoughts Come To Us in the Shower
• 13. Confidence
• 14. Why We Should Try to Become Better Narcissists
• 15. Why We Require Poor Memories To Survive
• 16. The Importance of Confession
• 17. How Emotionally Healthy Are You?
• 18. What Is An Emotionally Healthy Childhood?
• 19. Unprocessed Emotion
• 20. How to Be a Genius
• 21. On Resilience
• 22. How to Decide
• 23. Why It Should Be Glamorous to Change Your Mind
• 24. How to Make More of Our Memories
• 25. What’s Wrong with Needy People
• 26. Emotional Education: An Introduction
• 27. Philosophical Meditation
• 28. Honesty
• 29. Self-Love
• 30. Emotional Scepticism
• 31. Politeness
• 32. Charity
• 34. Love-as-Generosity
• 35. Comforting
• 36. Emotional Translation
• 38. On Pessimism
• 39. The Problem with Cynicism
• 40. On Keeping Going
• 41. Closeness
• 42. On Higher Consciousness
• 43. On Exercising the Mind
• 44. Authentic Work
• 45. The Sorrows of Work
• 46. Cultural Consolation
• 47. Appreciation
• 48. Cheerful Despair
• 01. What Is It Like to Be Mentally Unwell?
• 02. How 'Mad' People Make a Lot of Sense
• 03. Why We Keep Repeating Patterns of Unhappiness
• 04. Your Self-Esteem is a Record of Your History
• 05. Why Some People Love Extreme Sports
• 06. The Overlooked Pains of Very, Very Tidy People
• 07. On Feeling Guilty for No Reason
• 08. The Fear of Being Touched
• 09. Why Most of Us Feel Like Losers
• 10. One of the More Beautiful Paintings in the World...
• 11. The Origins of a Sense of Persecution
• 12. How to Overcome Psychological Barriers
• 13. The Sinner Inside All of Us
• 14. How to Be Less Defensive
• 15. Are You a Sadist or a Masochist?
• 16. You Might Be Mad
• 17. Fears Are Not Facts
• 18. Why It's Good to Be a Narcissist
• 19. Am I a Bad Person?
• 20. Why Some of Us Are So Thin-Skinned
• 21. The Five Features of Paranoia
• 22. Why So Many of Us Are Masochists
• 23. In Praise of Self-Doubt
• 24. Why We Get Locked Inside Stories — and How to Break Free
• 25. Why Grandiosity is a Symptom of Self-Hatred
• 26. The Origins of Imposter Syndrome
• 27. The Upsides of Being Ill
• 28. The Roots of Paranoia
• 29. Loneliness as a Sign of Depth
• 30. How Social Media Affects Our Self-Worth
• 31. How to Be Beautiful
• 32. Trying to Be Kinder to Ourselves
• 33. The Role of Love in Mental Health
• 34. Trauma and Fearfulness
• 35. On Despair and the Imagination
• 36. On Being Able to Defend Oneself
• 37. The Fear of Death
• 38. I Am Not My Body
• 39. The Problems of Being Very Beautiful
• 40. 6 Reasons Not to Worry What the Neighbours Think
• 41. Am I Fat? An Answer from History
• 42. The Problem of Shame
• 43. On Feeling Ugly
• 44. The Particular Beauty of Unhappy-Looking People
• 45. How Not to Become a Conspiracy Theorist
• 46. The Terror of a ‘No’
• 47. On Being Hated
• 48. The Origins of Everyday Nastiness
• 49. The Weakness of Strength Theory
• 50. On Self-Sabotage
• 51. FOMO: Fear Of Missing Out
• 52. On a Sense of Sinfulness
• 01. We All Need Our North Pole
• 02. We Need to Change the Movie We Are In
• 03. Maybe You Are, in Your Own Way, a Little Bit Marvellous
• 04. Why We Deny Ourselves the Chance of Happiness
• 05. How to Live More Consciously
• 06. Our Secret Longing to Be Good
• 07. Why Everyone Needs to Feel 'Lost' for a While
• 08. On the Consolations of Home | Georg Friedrich Kersting
• 09. On Feeling Rather Than Thinking
• 10. How to Be Interesting
• 11. Am I Too Clever?
• 12. A More Self-Accepting Life
• 13. 'Let Him Who Is Without Sin Cast the First Stone'
• 14. The Roots of Loneliness
• 15. Small Acts of Liberation
• 16. Overcoming the Need to Be Exceptional
• 17. The Fear of Happiness
• 18. The Truth May Already Be Inside Us
• 19. What Is the Meaning of Life?
• 20. The Desire to Write
• 21. Are Intelligent People More Lonely?
• 22. A Better Word than Happiness: Eudaimonia
• 23. The Meaning of Life
• 24. Our Secret Fantasies
• 25. Why We’re Fated to Be Lonely (But That’s OK)
• 26. Good Enough is Good Enough
• 27. An Updated Ten Commandments
• 28. A Self-Compassion Exercise
• 29. How to Become a Better Person
• 30. On Resolutions
• 31. On Final Things
• 01. How to 'Grow'
• 02. The Life-Saving Nature of Poor Memories
• 03. The Stages of Development - And What If We Miss Out on One…
• 04. Who Might I Have Been If…
• 05. Yes, Maybe They Are Just Envious…
• 06. We Are All Lonely - Now Can We Be Friends?
• 07. How to Make It Through
• 08. 12 Signs That You Are Mature in the Eyes of Psychotherapy
• 09. The Breast and the Mouth
• 10. A Test to Measure How Nice You Are
• 11. What Hypochondriacs Aren't Able to Tell You
• 12. The Origins of Sanity
• 13. The Always Unfinished Business of Self-Knowledge
• 14. Learning to Laugh at Ourselves
• 15. A Simple Question to Set You Free
• 16. Locating the Trouble
• 17. Who Knows More, the Young or the Old?
• 18. Beyond Sanctimony
• 19. The Ingredients of Emotional Maturity
• 20. When Illness is Preferable to Health
• 21. What Should My Life Have Been Like?
• 22. Why We Need to Go Back to Emotional School
• 23. The Point of Writing Letters We Never Send
• 24. Self-Forgiveness
• 25. Why We Must Have Done Bad to Be Good
• 26. Finding the Courage to Be Ourselves
• 27. What Regret Can Teach Us
• 28. The Importance of Adolescence
• 29. How to Love Difficult People
• 30. On Falling Mentally Ill
• 31. Splitting Humanity into Saints and Sinners
• 32. Becoming Free
• 33. Learning to Listen to the Adult Inside Us
• 34. The Ultimate Test of Emotional Maturity
• 35. Can People Change?
• 36. When Home is Not Home...
• 37. Learning to Lay Down Boundaries
• 38. You Could Finally Leave School!
• 39. When Do You Know You Are Emotionally Mature? 26 Signs of Emotional Maturity
• 40. How to Lengthen Your Life
• 41. We Only Learn If We Repeat
• 42. The Drive to Keep Growing Emotionally
• 43. On Bittersweet Memories
• 44. Small Triumphs of the Mentally Unwell
• 45. The Importance of Atonement
• 46. How To Be a Mummy's Boy
• 47. On Consolation
• 48. The Inner Idiot
• 49. The Dangers of the Good Child
• 50. Why None of Us are Really 'Sinners'
• 51. How We Need to Keep Growing Up
• 52. Are Humans Still Evolving?
• 53. On Losers – and Tragic Heroes
• 54. On the Serious Role of Stuffed Animals
• 55. Why Self-Help Books Matter
• 01. Living Long Term With Mental Illness
• 02. Suffering From A Snobbery That Isn’t Ours
• 03. How to Recover the Plot
• 04. Why We Have Trouble Getting Back To Sleep
• 05. When, and Why, Do We Pick up Our Phones?
• 06. What is the Unconscious - and What Might Be Inside Yours?
• 07. Complete the Story – and Discover What's Really On Your mind
• 08. Complete the Sentence – and Find Out What's Really on Your Mind
• 09. The One Question You Need to Understand Who You Are
• 10. Six Fundamental Truths of Self-Awareness
• 11. Why Knowing Ourselves is Impossible – and Necessary
• 12. Making Friends with Your Unconscious
• 13. Do You Believe in Mind-Reading?
• 14. Questioning Our Conscience
• 15. A Bedtime Meditation
• 16. How to Figure Out What You Really, Really Think
• 17. Why You Should Keep a Journal
• 18. In Praise of Introspection
• 19. What Brain Scans Reveal About Our Minds
• 20. What is Mental Health?
• 21. The One Question You Need to Ask to Know Whether You're a Good Person
• 22. Eight Rules of The School of Life
• 23. No One Cares
• 24. The High Price We Pay for Our Fear of Being Alone
• 25. 5 Signs of Emotional Immaturity
• 26. On Knowing Who One Is
• 27. Why Self-Analysis Works
• 28. Knowing Things Intellectually vs. Knowing Them Emotionally
• 29. The Novel We Really Need To Read Next
• 30. Is Free Will or Determinism Correct?
• 31. Emotional Identity
• 32. Know Yourself — Socrates and How to Develop Self-Knowledge
• 33. Self-Knowledge Quiz
• 34. On Being Very Normal
• 01. How History Can Explain Our Unhappiness
• 02. How Lonely Are You? A Test
• 03. The Wisdom of Tears
• 04. You Don't Always Need to Be Funny
• 05. On Suicide
• 06. You Have Permission to Be Miserable
• 07. The Pessimist's Guide to Mental Illness
• 08. Why Do Bad Things Always Happen to Me?
• 09. Why We Enjoy the Suffering of Others
• 10. The Tragedy of Birth
• 11. What Rothko's Art Teaches Us About Suffering
• 12. Our Tragic Condition
• 13. The Melancholy Charm of Lonely Travelling Places
• 14. Nostalgia for Religion
• 15. Parties and Melancholy
• 16. Why Very Beautiful Scenes Can Make Us So Melancholy
• 17. On Old Photos of Oneself
• 18. Are Intelligent People More Melancholic?
• 19. Strangers and Melancholy
• 20. On Post-Coital Melancholy
• 21. Sex and Melancholy
• 22. Astronomy and Melancholy
• 23. Nostalgia for the Womb
• 24. Melancholy and the Feeling of Being Superfluous
• 25. Pills & Melancholy
• 26. Melancholy: the best kind of Despair
• 27. On Melancholy
• 01. The Impulse to Sink Our Own Mood – and Return to Sadness and Worry
• 02. We Are Made of Moods
• 03. Why Sweet Things Make Us Cry
• 04. Overcoming Manic Moods
• 05. Learning to Feel What We Really Feel
• 06. Exercise When We're Feeling Mentally Unwell
• 07. Why You May Be Experiencing a Mental Midwinter
• 08. Living Long-Term with Mental Illness
• 09. The Role of Sleep in Mental Health
• 10. The Role of Pills in Mental Health
• 11. Mental Illness and Acceptance
• 12. Mental Illness and 'Reasons to Live'
• 13. Taming a Pitiless Inner Critic
• 14. Reasons to Give Up on Human Beings
• 15. The Window of Tolerance
• 16. On Realising One Might Be an Introvert
• 17. Our Right to be Miserable
• 18. How to Manage One's Moods
• 19. On Living in a More Light-Hearted Way
• 20. On Disliking Oneself
• 21. Of Course We Mess Up!
• 22. Learning to Listen to One's Own Boredom
• 23. On Depression
• 24. In Praise of the Melancholy Child
• 25. Why We May Be Angry Rather Than Sad
• 26. On Not Being in the Moment
• 27. 'Pure' OCD - and Intrusive Thoughts
• 28. Twenty Moods
• 29. How the Right Words Help Us to Feel the Right Things
• 30. The Secret Optimism of Angry People
• 31. On Feeling Depressed
• 32. The Difficulty of Being in the Present
• 33. On Being Out of Touch with One's Feelings
• 34. Our Secret Thoughts
• 35. The Psychology of Colour
• 36. On Self-Pity
• 37. On Irritability
• 38. On the Things that Make Adults Cry
• 39. On Anger
• 40. Detachment
• 01. On Those Ruined by Success
• 02. The Demand for Perfection in Love
• 03. The Secret Lives of Other Couples
• 04. How the Wrong Images of Love Can Ruin Our Lives
• 05. Self-Forgiveness
• 06. How Perfectionism Makes Us Ill
• 07. Reasons to Give Up on Perfection
• 08. Are My Expectations Too High?
• 09. Of Course We Mess Up!
• 10. Expectations - and the 80/20 Rule
• 11. Good Enough is Good Enough
• 12. The Perfectionist Trap
• 13. A Self-Compassion Exercise
• 14. On Perfectionism
• 01. How Good Are You at Communication in Love? Questionnaire
• 02. How Prone Might You Be To Insomnia? Questionnaire
• 03. How Ready Might You Be for Therapy? Questionnaire
• 04. The Attachment Style Questionnaire
• 01. Why It Can Take Us So Long to Understand How Unwell We Are
• 02. Intergenerational Trauma
• 03. How the Unfinished Business of Childhood is Played Out in Relationships
• 05. Can Childhoods Really Matter So Much?
• 06. What Some Childhoods Don’t Allow You to Think
• 07. The Legacy of an Unloving Childhood
• 08. Why You Don’t Need a Very Bad Childhood to Have a Complicated Adulthood
• 09. When People Let Us Know What the World Has Done to Them
• 10. The Healing Power of Time
• 11. You Are Freer Than You Think
• 12. On Parenting Our Parents
• 13. Letting Go of Self-Protective Strategies
• 14. How to Tell If Someone Had a Difficult Childhood...
• 15. Childhood Matters, Unfortunately!
• 16. How Should We Define 'Mental Illness'?
• 17. Taking Childhood Seriously
• 18. Sympathy for Our Younger Selves
• 19. How Music Can Heal Us
• 20. What Your Body Reveals About Your Past
• 21. Why Adults Often Behave Like Children
• 22. How to Live Long-Term With Trauma
• 23. Should We Forgive Our Parents or Not?
• 24. Reparenting Your Inner Child
• 25. The Agonies of Shame
• 26. How Trauma Works
• 27. Why Abused Children End Up Hating Themselves
• 28. Why We Sometimes Feel Like Curling Up Into a Ball
• 29. How to Get Your Parents Out of Your Head
• 30. Why Parents Bully Their Children
• 31. On Projection
• 32. Self-Archaeology
• 33. It's Not Your Fault
• 34. If Our Parents Never Listened
• 35. Why Everything Relates to Your Childhood
• 36. Why Those Who Should Love Us Can Hurt Us
• 37. The Upsides of Having a Mental Breakdown
• 38. How Perfectionism Makes Us Ill
• 39. How We Should Have Been Loved
• 40. Self-Hatred and High-Achievement
• 41. A Self-Hatred Audit
• 42. How Mental Illness Impacts Our Bodies
• 43. Two Reasons Why People End up Parenting Badly
• 44. What is Emotional Neglect?
• 45. How Unloving Parents can Generate Self-Hating Children
• 46. How Mental Illness Closes Down Our Minds
• 47. Trauma and EMDR Therapy
• 48. How to Fight off Your Inner Critic
• 49. The One Subject You Really Need to Study: Your Own Childhood
• 50. Sharing Our Early Wounds
• 51. Trauma and How to Overcome It
• 52. Why We're All Messed Up By Our Childhoods
• 53. The Golden Child Syndrome
• 54. The Importance of Being an Unhappy Teenager
• 55. How We Get Damaged by Emotional Neglect
• 56. The Secrets of a Privileged Childhood
• 57. What We Owe to the People Who Loved Us in Childhood
• 58. Criticism When You've Had a Bad Childhood
• 59. On Suffering in Silence
• 60. How a Messed up Childhood Affects You in Adulthood
• 61. Daddy Issues
• 62. The Non-Rewritable Disc: the Fateful Impact of Childhood
• 63. On the Longing for Maternal Tenderness
• 01. The Need for Processing 
• 02. The Subtle Art of Not Listening to People Too Closely
• 03. The Art of Good Listening
• 04. Becoming More Interesting
• 05. In Praise of Small Chats With Strangers
• 06. Why We Should Listen Rather Than Reassure
• 07. How We Can Hurt Without Thinking
• 08. Leaning in to Vulnerability
• 09. How to Become Someone People Will Confide in
• 10. How To Write An Effective Thank You Letter
• 11. How to Be a Good Listener
• 12. How to Comment Online
• 13. Listening as Editing
• 14. The Importance of Flattery
• 15. How to Narrate Your Life Story
• 16. The Art of Listening
• 17. How to Narrate Your Dreams
• 18. How to Talk About Yourself
• 19. Communication
• 20. How to Be a Good Teacher
• 21. On How to Disagree
• 22. On the Art of Conversation
• 01. On Feeling Painfully Different
• 02. Abandoning Hope
• 03. How to Leave a Party
• 04. On Becoming a Hermit
• 05. How to Have a Renaissance
• 06. Think Like an Aristocrat
• 07. Van Gogh's Neglected Genius
• 08. How to Be Quietly Confident
• 09. How to Live Like an Exile
• 10. How to Cope With Bullying
• 11. Stop Being So Nice
• 12. The Origins of Shyness
• 13. On Friendliness to Strangers
• 14. What to Do at Parties If You Hate Small Talk
• 15. How to Approach Strangers at A Party
• 16. How to Be Comfortable on Your Own in Public
• 17. Akrasia - or Why We Don't Do What We Believe
• 18. Why We Think So Much about Our Hair
• 19. Aphorisms on Confidence
• 20. How Knowledge of Difficulties Lends Confidence
• 21. How Thinking You’re an Idiot Lends Confidence
• 22. How to Overcome Shyness
• 23. The Mind-Body Problem
• 24. The Impostor Syndrome
• 25. On the Origins of Confidence
• 26. Self-Esteem
• 27. On Confidence
• 28. On Not Liking the Way One Looks
• 02. Why Losers Make the Best Friends
• 03. Our Very Best Friends
• 04. The Difficulties of Oversharing
• 05. Is It OK to Outgrow Our Friends?
• 06. Why Everyone We Meet is a Little Bit Lonely
• 07. On 'Complicated' Friendships
• 08. The Friend Who Can Tease Us
• 09. Don't Be Too Normal If You Want to Make Friends
• 10. The Forgotten Art of Making Friends
• 11. The Friend Who Balances Us
• 12. The Purpose of Friendship
• 13. Why the Best Kind of Friends Are Lonely
• 14. How to Lose Friends
• 15. Why Misfits Make Great Friends
• 16. How to Handle an Envious Friend
• 17. Loneliness as a Sign of Depth
• 18. Companionship and Mental Health
• 19. How Often Do We Need to Go to Parties?
• 20. Virtual Dinners: Conversation Menus
• 21. The Cleaning Party
• 22. On Talking Horizontally
• 23. Dinner Table Orchestra
• 24. On Sofa Jumping
• 25. On Studying Someone Else's Hands
• 26. What Women and Men May Learn from One Another When They are Just Friends
• 27. How to Say 'I Love You' to a Friend
• 28. How to End a Friendship
• 29. What Can Stop the Loneliness?
• 30. Why Men Are So Bad at Friendship
• 31. What Would An Ideal Friend Be Like?
• 32. 'Couldn't We Just Be Friends?'
• 33. On Acquiring an Enemy
• 34. Why Old Friends Matter
• 35. Why Not to Panic about Enemies
• 36. What Is the Purpose of Friendship?
• 37. Friendship and Vulnerability
• 38. On Socks and Friendship
• 39. The Teasing of Old Friends
• 01. The Boring Person
• 02. The Loveliest People in the World
• 03. The Life Saving Role of Small Chats
• 04. The Origins of Shifty People
• 05. The Many Faults of Other People
• 06. Why Nice People Give Us the 'Ick'
• 07. How to Become a More Interesting Person
• 08. The Challenges of Hugging
• 09. Dale Carnegie — How to Win Friends and Influence People
• 10. The Origins of People Pleasing
• 11. The Eyes of Love
• 12. Kindness Isn't Weakness
• 13. Why We're All Capable of Damaging Others
• 14. Rembrandt as a Guide to Kindness
• 15. What Love Really Is – and Why It Matters
• 16. The Need for Kindness
• 17. 6 Reasons Not to Worry What the Neighbours Think
• 18. What to Do When a Stranger Annoys You
• 19. How to Choose A Good Present
• 20. How to Be a Good Guest
• 21. How To Make People Feel Good about Themselves
• 22. How To Tell When You Are Being A Bore
• 23. What Is Empathy?
• 24. How Not to Rant
• 25. How Not to Be Boring
• 26. On Eggs and Compassion
• 27. How to Become an Adult
• 28. People-Pleasing: and How to Overcome It
• 29. Why Truly Sociable People Hate Parties
• 30. How to Be Diplomatic
• 31. Sane Insanity
• 32. Charity of Interpretation
• 33. How to Be a Good Teacher
• 34. The Solution to Clumsiness
• 35. How to Be a Man
• 36. Political Correctness vs. Politeness
• 37. Aphorisms on Kindness
• 38. Why We Don’t Really Want to Be Nice
• 39. The Charm of Vulnerability
• 40. The Ultimate Test of Your Social Skills
• 41. How to Be Open-Minded
• 42. Why Kind People Always Lie
• 43. How to Be Warm
• 44. The Problem of Over-Friendliness
• 45. How to Forgive
• 46. Why We’re Fated to Be Lonely (But That’s OK)
• 47. How to Cope with Snobbery
• 48. On Charm
• 49. On Being Kind
• 50. On Gratitude
• 51. On Forgiveness
• 52. On Charity
• 53. On Wisdom
• 01. How to Fire Someone
• 02. Diplomacy at the Office
• 03. How to Tell a Colleague Their Breath Smells
• 04. How to Screw Up at Work
• 05. In Praise of Teamwork
• 06. How to Become an Entrepreneur
• 07. The Need for Eloquence
• 08. The Nature and Causes of Procrastination
• 09. In Praise of Networking
• 10. Why Creativity is Too Important to Be Left to Artists
• 11. How to Survive Bureaucracy
• 12. Machismo and Management
• 13. What Art Can Teach Business About Being Fussy
• 14. On Novelists and Manuals
• 15. How Not to Let Work Explode Your Life
• 16. How to Sell
• 17. Innovation, Empathy and Introspection
• 18. Innovation and Creativity
• 19. Innovation and Science Fiction
• 20. The Acceptance of Change
• 21. The Collaborative Virtues
• 22. Towards Better Collaboration
• 23. How To Make Efficiency a Habit
• 24. On Raising the Prestige of 'Details'
• 25. Monasticism & How to Avoid Distraction
• 26. How to Dare to Begin
• 27. On Meaning – and Motivation
• 28. The Psychological Obstacles Holding Employees Back
• 29. On Feedback
• 30. How to Better Understand Customers
• 31. On Bounded and Unbounded Tasks
• 01. What Should Truly Motivate Us at Work
• 02. Nature as a Cure for the Sickness of Modern Times
• 03. The Difficulties of Work-Life Balance
• 04. The Challenges of Modernity
• 05. Businesses for Love; Businesses for Money
• 06. Countries for Losers; Countries for Winners
• 07. Towards a Solution to Inequality
• 08. Free Trade - or Protectionism?
• 09. Should We Work on Ourselves - or on the World?
• 10. Why Is There Unemployment?
• 11. Artists and Supermarket Tycoons
• 12. Business and the Arts
• 13. Sentimentality in Art - and Business
• 14. How to Make a Country Rich
• 15. First World Problems
• 16. On Devotion to Corporations
• 17. Good vs Classical Economics
• 18. What Is a Good Brand?
• 19. Good Economic Measures: Beyond GDP
• 20. What Good Business Should Be
• 21. On the Faultiness of Our Economic Indicators
• 22. On the Dawn of Capitalism
• 23. Utopian Capitalism
• 24. On Philanthropy
• 01. Why Do We Work So Hard?
• 02. On Eating a Friend
• 03. Is the Modern World Too 'Materialistic'?
• 04. On Consumer Capitalism
• 05. How to Choose the Perfect Gift
• 06. The Importance of Maslow's Pyramid of Needs
• 07. How to Live More Wisely Around Our Phones
• 08. Money and 'Higher Things'
• 09. Why We Are All Addicts
• 10. Why We Are So Bad at Shopping
• 11. Business and the Ladder of Needs
• 12. Consumer Self-Knowledge
• 13. "Giving Customers What They Want"
• 14. The Entrepreneur and the Artist
• 15. What Advertising Can Learn from Art
• 16. What the Luxury Sector Does for Us
• 17. On Using Sex to Sell
• 18. Understanding Brand Promises
• 19. Consumer Education: On Learning How to Spend
• 20. Good Materialism
• 21. Why We Hate Cheap Things
• 22. Why We Continue to Love Expensive Things
• 23. Why Advertising Is so Annoying - but Doesn't Have to Be
• 24. On Good Demand
• 25. On Consumption and Status Anxiety
• 26. On the Responsibility of the Consumer
• 27. Adverts Know What We Want - They Just Can't Sell It to us
• 28. On the True Desires of the Rich
• 01. How to Be Original
• 02. When Are We Truly Productive?
• 03. The Importance of the Siesta
• 04. Career Therapy
• 05. On Meritocracy
• 06. The Vocation Myth
• 07. The Good Sides of Work
• 08. The Good Office
• 09. The EQ Office
• 10. Good Salaries: What We Earn - and What We’re Worth
• 11. What Good Business Should Be
• 12. On the Pleasures of Work
• 01. How Does An Emotionally Healthy Person Relate To Their Career?
• 02. The Concept of Voluntary Poverty
• 03. The Dangers of Having Too Little To Do
• 04. How Could a Working Life Be Meaningful?
• 05. On Learning to Live Deeply Rather than Broadly
• 06. What They Forget to Teach You at School
• 07. Authentic Work
• 08. Why We Need to Work
• 09. How We Came to Desire a Job We Could Love
• 10. Why Work Is So Much Easier than Love
• 11. Work and Maturity
• 12. How Your Job Shapes Your Identity
• 13. Authentic Work
• 01. Do We Need to Read the News?
• 02. On Gossip
• 03. How the Media Damages Our Faith in Humanity
• 04. Why We Secretly Love Bad News
• 05. Celebrity Crushes
• 06. On Switching Off the News
• 07. We've Been Here Before
• 08. In Praise of Bias
• 09. The News from Without - and the News from Within
• 10. History as a Corrective to News
• 11. Emotional Technology
• 12. What's Wrong with the Media
• 13. On the Dangers of the Internet
• 14. On Taking Digital Sabbaths
• 15. On the Role of Censorship
• 16. On the Role of Disasters
• 17. On the Role of Art in News
• 18. Tragedies and Ordinary Lives in the Media
• 19. On the Failures of Economic News
• 20. On Health News
• 21. What State Broadcasters Should Do
• 22. On the Role of Cheerful News
• 23. On News and Kindness
• 24. On Maniacs and Murderers
• 01. The United States and Happiness
• 02. Political Emotional Maturity
• 03. On Feeling Offended
• 04. A Guide to Good Nationalism
• 05. Why We Do - After All - Care about Politics
• 06. Why Socrates Hated Democracy
• 07. The Fragility of Good Government
• 08. Romantic vs. Classical Voters
• 09. Africa after Independence
• 01. Should I Follow My Dreams?
• 02. How to Retire Early
• 03. The Agonies of Choice
• 04. The Creative Itch
• 05. Broadening the Job Search
• 06. Our Families and Our Careers
• 07. The Challenges of Choosing a Career
• 08. On Career Crises
• 09. The Output/Input Confusion
• 10. Finding a Mission
• 11. How to Serve
• 12. Why Work-Life Balance is an Illusion
• 13. On Gratitude – and Motivation
• 14. How to Find Fulfilling Work
• 15. On the Origins of Motivation at Work
• 16. On Becoming an Entrepreneur
• 17. On Being an Unemployed Arts Graduate
• 01. On Small Talk at the Office
• 02. On Falling Apart at the Office
• 03. The Sorrows of Competition
• 04. What Is That Sunday Evening Feeling?
• 05. How Parents Get in the Way of Our Career Plans
• 06. Why Modern Work Is So Boring
• 07. Why Pessimism is the Key to Good Government
• 08. The Sorrows of Colleagues
• 09. The Sorrows of Commercialisation
• 10. The Sorrows of Standardisation
• 11. Confidence in the System
• 12. Job Monogamy
• 13. The Duty Trap
• 14. The Perfectionist Trap
• 15. On Professional Failure
• 16. Nasty Businesses
• 17. The Job Investment Trap
• 18. How Your Job Shapes Your Identity
• 19. The Pains of Leadership
• 20. Would It Be Better for Your Job If You Were Celibate?
• 21. On Stress and Inner Voices
• 22. On Being Wary of Simple-Looking Issues
• 23. On Commuting
• 24. On the Sorrows of Work
• 25. On Misemployment
• 26. On Guilt-trips and Charm
• 01. The Dangers of People Who Have Been to Boarding School
• 02. Giving Up on Being Special
• 03. The Problem with Individualism
• 04. Winners and Losers in the Race of Life
• 05. Being on the Receiving End of Pity
• 06. Shakespeare: 'When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes, I all alone beweep my outcast state...'
• 07. Overcoming the Need to Be Exceptional
• 08. On the Loss of Reputation
• 09. The Secret Sorrows of Over-Achievers
• 10. You Are Not What You Earn
• 11. Artistic Philanthropy
• 12. The Need to Keep Believing in Luck
• 13. On Glamour
• 14. The Incumbent Problem
• 15. How to Cope with Snobbery
• 16. On the Dangers of Success
• 17. On Doing Better Than Our Parents
• 18. Success at School vs. Success in Life
• 19. Why We Look Down on People Who Don’t Earn Very Much
• 20. What Is 'Success'?
• 21. On Children and Power
• 22. On Pleasure in the Downfall of the Mighty
• 23. On Status and Democracy
• 24. On Failure and Success in the Game of Fame
• 25. On Envy
• 26. A Philosophical Exercise for Envy
• 27. On the Envy of Politicians
• 28. On Consumption and Status Anxiety
• 29. On the Desire for Fame
• 30. On Fame and Sibling Rivalry
• 01. Why Humanity Destroyed Itself
• 02. How Science Could - at Last - Properly Replace Religion
• 03. Our Forgotten Craving for Community
• 04. Why isn't the Future here yet?
• 05. On Changing the World
• 06. What Community Centres Should Be Like
• 07. On Seduction
• 08. The Importance of Utopian Thinking
• 09. Art is Advertising for What We Really Need
• 10. Why the World Stands Ready to Be Changed
• 11. On the Desire to Change the World
• 12. Utopian Collective Pride
• 13. Envy of a Utopian Future
• 14. Utopian Artificial Intelligence
• 15. Utopian Education
• 16. Utopian Marriage
• 17. Utopian Film
• 18. Utopian Culture
• 19. Utopian Festivals
• 20. Utopian Business Consultancy
• 21. Utopian Capitalism
• 22. Utopian Government
• 23. Utopian Media
• 24. Utopian Tax
• 25. Utopian Celebrity Culture
• 26. The Future of the Banking Industry
• 27. The Future of the Communications Industry
• 28. The Future of the Hotel Industry

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Knowing Yourself

• April 2, 2021
• No Comments

    “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” ~ Aristotle

The above saying is a very ancient one, but its meaning has not lost its value. The wisdom it conveys can find application in each one of us, in every activity of our everyday life, for every human being, no matter who they are, what social class they belong to, their gender, the professions they have, or their different skills, without excluding anyone. Even in our modern era, it can find application in everyday life and activities such as education, mental health, or the relationship we build with one another.

The meaning and importance of knowing yourself

But what does it mean to know yourself? How can we achieve that? Where will it lead ? How much does it matter in our everyday life? Learning to know yourself is a long journey. It consists of delving into your past and reflecting on how your life has evolved. The choices and decisions you have made, and what affected you to make those decisions. It means knowing and reflecting on the traits of your character and personality. Knowing yourself means knowing the real you, not just the one you present to the world. Living your life to the fullest cannot happen unless you know yourself and the position you deserve, or more appropriately, what you can achieve. Your character and values you have, your passions and fears, your strengths and weaknesses. During the journey of knowing yourself, you will find the true meaning of your life, you will learn the true wisdom which serves to live a successful and meaningful life.

The most important enterprise in your life is to be able to discover who you truly are. Many people live their lives without knowing or hearing the inner critic that gives wrong ideas about themselves. To find yourself might seem like an inherently self-centered goal, but in fact, it is the most decent process which is the root of everyday life activity. In our interactions with the people and the world, we have to know first our values and what we have to offer. It is a journey worth taking for all of us. It is a process that involves understanding and breaking down your defects which do not represent who you actually are, and recognizing who you want to be in order to fulfill your destiny.  It means to recognize your values and skills, but without closing your eyes on your flaws.  Finding yourself should not be something to fear.

A really good similitude for knowing yourself can be placing yourself on a journey where you definitely need a map to take that journey. Without it, you cannot succeed. Only those who know who they are and their true value in society cannot be disorientated by the different challenges and problems they will face in the journey of their life. This journey you are not going to do alone, you have to mingle yourself with people and cooperate with them. Knowing, accepting, and loving yourself is more important than trying to please the world and seeking their love and approval.

Understanding your values and life

To better understand and get to know yourself, it is important to understand your values and aspirations. You cannot move to action without having evaluated your situation first. Everything has its importance, whether it may be money, power, career, family, or status you want to have in society. If you need to make a decision your values will serve as a signpost to guide you where you want to go. Once everything is clear in your mind and you have set your goals for yourself, you can take that action, for as Toni Collete stated: “The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.”

Techniques for knowing yourself

There are many techniques to know yourself, e.g personality tests, writing a journal, consulting a therapist, taking into consideration the opinions of those who love you and those who don’t or meditating on your life, your past, your childhood, your upbringing, the choices and decisions you made, the inner and outer factors.  Meditation is a very old technique that has helped many human beings to find themselves, to heal their minds. Bryant McGill an American author has wisely stated “Connecting with yourself and knowing yourself is a monumental and life-changing event. To Buddhism practices, meditation can be a solution for our chaotic minds, emptying them of their content, to draw away the disturbing and unfocused objects of consciousness.

Philosophical meditation, on the other hand, wants our thoughts, feelings, and anxieties to trouble us less, it tries to sort out our minds in a different way. While Buddhist meditation tries to empty our minds of their negative content, philosophical meditation tries to clean these minds up: they want to bring the content that worries us more securely into focus, trying to calm us by having a better understanding of them rather than trying to evacuate. Philosophical Meditation brings us peace of mind not by removing issues, but by helping us to have a better understanding of them, therefore letting go of some of our paranoia and static that might cling to them. This technique does not make problems disappear, but they can assume a different proportion and can be managed. In a kind of way it helps you have a different approach toward them.

Reflecting on the past

Our past can reveal who we are, and the factors that led us to what we are today. If we don’t take the courage to explore our past, we cannot understand ourselves and become what we aspire.  Research has shown that our experiences and how we make sense of them define who we become. Unresolved traumas from our history, explain our behavior today. Life story coherence has a “statistically significant relationship to psychological well-being.” Dr. Daniel Siegel explains that  the more we form a “coherent narrative” of our lives, we will be better capable of making mindful, and conscious decisions in our present lives that represent our true selves.

The environment we grew up in, and the way parents and people have treated us as children affect ourselves in what we become. Painful life experiences quite often determine how we define and defend ourselves. In simple words they bend us out of shape, influencing our behavior in something we are not conscious of. For example, a harsh parent might make us feel more guarded. In adulthood, it can limit us in many areas. In order to break free from this pattern of behavior, we need to understand what causes it.  A doctor or therapist can help you to know yourself, but he cannot make your journey for you, you have to look and reflect in your inner world, in your past, how you were treated, what were your reactions. Jaggi Vasudev has shared with us his precious and wise advice: “Knowing yourself has to always come from within. The outside can inspire or guide you, but knowing has to come from within you.”

Understanding yourself leading to a better understanding of  others 

Using a technique called mindsight, “Focusing attention which allows us to see the internal workings of our own mind,” Dr. Siegel was able to better understand his experiences, then talk to his son in order to repair the situation. He states that through this technique, he could use reflections from that conflict to reach a more clear insight from his own childhood experiences. In this way, the most challenging moments of our life can serve us to better understand ourselves and connect with others. This kind of thinking and willingness to face past memories give us valuable insight into our behavior. This would lead us to consciously break free from those harmful influences and alter our behavior to what we want to be in the world.

Carl Jung who is one of the most prominent figures in the science of medicine, specialized in the field of mental health, has given us insight on how knowing yourself can help heal ourselves and others. “Knowing your own darkness is the best method for dealing with the darknesses of other people. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely. Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

When you develop a better understanding of yourself, this will improve your capacity to understand better the thoughts and feelings of other people. Knowing yourself is not an ego journey, learning to place yourself in other people’s shoes is a useful social skill in daily life that could be important to gain and promote cross-cultural understanding in society.  People say that when we will be able to know ourselves, then we can know the world. We can see the goodness in each other, and accept life the way it is, that we are truly connected human beings.

Change as a tool for developing yourself

We need to reflect on how we will change and adapt to a person who knows himself. It is obvious that what people know is known to them, but still, we might be able to identify something of what they know. If someone is well aware of who he is, his character with its positive and negative qualities, this would lead to a change in his behavior. Being self aware will have an impact on someone’s life. Self knowledge is not a set of statements that one gives assent to, but it is a set of capacities for dealing with life and the reality we live in.  Someone who knows himself will not blame others for their troubles. They feel all the negative emotions, such as anger, anxiety, or becoming upset. But they do not find answers and explanations on outer factors and other people, rather they first take a look at themselves and what their responsibility is. They feel all the negative emotions in their life, they are not perfect, nor is their life perfect. They cope fairly well with criticism. Their great self-knowledge enables them to better face their fears. They can look deep into themselves and the evolution of their personality. What affected their decisions and the reasons behind them. Since they can understand themselves better, this leads to gaining a better understanding of others as well. Knowing yourself means to understand all the traits of your personality, and accept them for what they are. It means accepting life for what it is.

A well-known psychologist, Virginia Satir has shared with us her knowledge and wisdom about knowing ourselves and whose responsibility it is to achieve that. She perfectly stated: “I am me. In all the world, there is no one else exactly like me. Everything that comes out of me is authentically mine, because I alone chose it — I own everything about me: my body, my feelings, my mouth, my voice, all my actions, whether they be to others or myself. I own my fantasies, my dreams, my hopes, my fears. I own my triumphs and successes, all my failures and mistakes. Because I own all of me, I can become intimately acquainted with me. By doing so, I can love myself and be friendly with all my parts. I know there are aspects about myself that puzzle me, and other aspects that I do not know — but as long as I am friendly and loving to myself, I can courageously and hopefully look for solutions to the puzzles and ways to find out more about me. However I look and sound, whatever I say and do, and whatever I think and feel at a given moment in time is authentically me. If later some parts of how I looked, sounded, thought, and felt turn out to be unfitting, I can discard that which is unfitting, keep the rest, and invent something new for that which I discarded. I can see, hear, feel, think, say, and do. I have the tools to survive, to be close to others, to be productive, and to make sense and order out of the world of people and things outside of me. I own me, and therefore, I can engineer myself. I am me, and I am okay.”

The problems we deal with in everyday life are the challenges of the reality we live in; to find their solutions, we must first look for them inside us. If we know ourselves, we can improve our character, who we are, and where we want to be. We can create better relationships with the outside world. Within ourselves, we can find the long-awaited answers to our questions. Man faces plenty of challenges and problems in his course of life. It is up to him to turn them to his advantage. The optimist always sees for every problem an opportunity, while the pessimist sees an obstacle in every possibility.  You must not blame the outside world for every failure of yours when your inner world is destroyed. The more you know yourself, the easier it is to develop yourself and your potential. You have to know yourself with its positive aspects and flaws; you have to understand yourself first, then you will be able to understand the people around you properly. Only then will you see reality for what it truly is. Improvement cannot happen without knowing, understanding, and accepting who you are, neither living a meaningful life. 

We will conclude with the wise words of Maulana Rumi that summarize all we tried to explain: “Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.”

References:

• A Guide to Finding Yourself,  SELF DEVELOPMENT, BY PsychAlive, https://www.psychalive.org/finding-yourself/ . 
• Aristotle quoted in goodreads, “Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom.” https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/3102-knowing-yourself-is-the-beginning-of-all-wisdom
• Carl Jung, quoted in AZQUOTES, https://www.azquotes.com/author/7659-Carl_Jung/tag/darkness
• Collete, Toni. ”The better you know yourself, the better your relationship with the rest of the world.”Quotes>Authors>T>Toni Collete, AZQUOTES,   https://www.azquotes.com/quotes/topics/know-yourself.html
• Daley, Terri. Want to be happy ? Try to get to know your self, THE CONVERSATION. https://theconversation.com/want-to-be-happier-try-getting-to-know-yourself-109451
• Divinity, Jeremy. Know Thyself: A Short Essay on The Importance of Knowing,  medium.com Apr, 3 2017.  https://medium.com/@jeremydivinity/know-thyself-a-short-essay-on-the-importance-of-knowing-4f9a92255236
• Jaggi Vasudev. “Knowing yourself has to always come from within. The outside can inspire or guide you, but knowing has to come from within you.” quotefancy.  
• https:// quotefancy.com/quote/1534421/Jaggi-Vasudev-Knowing-yourself-has-to-always-come-from-within-The-outside-can-inspire-or#:~:text=…%E2%80%9D%20
• Jensen, Maria. How to know yourself and seek self improvement, Lifehack,  November 4, 2020. https://www.lifehack.org/822901/know-yourself-and-seek-self-improvement
• Know Yourself, Self Knowledge, THESCHOOLOFLIFE, \ https://www.theschooloflife.com/thebookoflife/know-yourself/   
• McGill, Bryant. “Connecting with yourself and knowing yourself is a monumental and life changing event” Quote Master https://www.quotemaster.org/qc558fb955d532337c3774514873600e0
• Nierenberg, Cari. Knowing Yourself: How to Improve YourUnderstainding of Others, LIVESICIENCE, June 02, 2017.  https://www.livescience.com/59349-knowing-yourself-helps-your-understand-others.html
• Rawat, Prem. The Importance of Knowing yourself, TimelessTodayt, Oct 09, 2019 https://www.timelesstoday.tv/the-importance-of-knowing-yourself
• Rumi quote,  Everything in the universe is within you. Ask all from yourself.” Goodreads https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/121070-everything-in-the-universe-is-within-you-ask-all-from
• The Importance of Knowing Yourself, habitsforwellbeing,  https://www.habitsforwellbeing.com/importance-knowing/
• The Importance of Knowing Yourself, THEHELLYEAHGROUB, December 5, 2016. https://thehellyeahgroup.com/blog/2016/6/28/the-importance-of-knowing-yourself
• Virginia Satir quoted in goodreads,  https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/312508.Virginia_Satir#:~:text=%E2%80%9CI%20am%20Me.,be%20to%20others%20or%20myself .

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The Importance of Knowing Yourself

A couple of days ago, I wrote about Permission Granted: Say YES to Yourself. I had a number of people share information with me about that post and people started say yes to themselves for the first time in a long time. One question really hit home for me though – the question was “What if you don’t know who you are?”

Don’t worry, I can relate to this question so deeply… It wasn’t that long ago, I have been in a similar place. Actually when I was  playing professional tennis , I had a lot of people talk to me about tennis and I had invested a lot of time as a tennis player.

Then when tennis was over for me professionally, I started to go on a search to find out who I was. Back then, I had little idea of who or what I was and am grateful for that time when  “The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  ~ Anaï s  Nin and I have been discovering my true Self ever since.

What Does Knowing Yourself Mean?

Socrates said it so well ~  “Know Thyself.” 

Knowing yourself is not about the skimming the surface like finding a favourite colour or music you like (although they may give you some clues). Knowing yourself is about delving much deeper.

Knowing yourself is an adventure. It is about discovering who you are as a human being – yes the real you. The journey is unpredictable and engages you deeply as it brings you face-to-face with your deepest fears, self-doubts, vulnerabilities and insecurities.

On the adventure you question how you are living your life and whether or not it is in alignment with your highest purpose. And if you don’t yet know your highest purpose, allow yourself to live in that space of not knowing.

The adventure around knowing yourself can be challenging and scary, however it also changes over time. For me remembering  “This Too Shall Pass ” has been a gift and the work does pay off – but not the way we may expect (well it wasn’t for me!).

Knowing yourself means giving yourself permission to not knowing whilst unravelling the deeper truth of who you are. It is about listening to a deeper calling and wisdom within, whilst following your heart. Knowing yourself is about being aware of your core values, priorities and dreams (yes even if you don’t remember them yet).

Knowing yourself means respecting (but not attaching to) your strengths and limitations, your passions and fears, your desires and dreams, your thoughts and feelings, your likes and dislikes, your tolerances and limitations.

Why Is Getting to Know Yourself so Important?

To be honest, it is up to you and you have to decide for yourself the importance of knowing yourself and whether you want to go on that adventure. It takes courage and a willingness to peel back the layers bit by bit.

For me, I felt lost, stuck (a bit like a caged bird) and had a deep longing or feeling within my heart that was not going away (no matter what I achieved or did on the outside). I decided and committed many years ago, that I was not going to stop until I discovered what I was searching for.

Fortunately after a while, I stopped searching on the outside and realised that the search was an inside job and I had to do the work, no one else could do it for me.

The Tao the Ching says ~

“Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power. If you realize that you have enough, you are truly rich.”   and  “The cost of not following your heart, is spending the rest of your life wishing you had.”   ~ J. Paulsen

Over to You…

After reading this post, do you think it is important to know yourself? If so, feel free to share your thoughts below.

If you are ready to take yourself on the journey of getting to know yourself (your true self), why not join  the Toolkit ? A place where I share tools, inspiration and ideas to live a courageous and openhearted life. Also – you may also like to join Lead from Within .

Page Reference –

I have had many people want to reference this page, so here is the correct reference. Thanks in advance for honouring my work 🙂

Taylor, J. (2015).  The Importance of Knowing Yourself.  [WWW] Available from: https://www.janetaylor.net/importance-knowing/ [Accessed …….. ]

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20 Importance of Knowing Yourself: A Guide to Self-Discovery

Sanju Pradeepa

Whether you’re starting a new business, tackling a new job, or embarking on a personal project, the question of success is almost always looming. Do you have what it takes to make it big? 

You may have sought advice from mentors and business gurus; you may be trying to follow in the footsteps of your heroes; and you may have read up on every book and article out there.

But here’s the thing: no matter how much information or knowledge you’ve accumulated, none of it matters if you don’t know one important thing: yourself . Knowing yourself is essential to any sort of success, regardless of what that looks like for you.

Why is knowing yourself so important? Everyone is looking for a little encouragement to move forward in their lives. No matter what stage you are at, it’s the same for every person. If you know who you are, you will gradually learn to accept the way you are, develop faith in yourself, forgive yourself, and know your strengths and weaknesses.

There are so many benefits. Self-knowledge can boost your self-confidence while reducing your self-doubt . Exploring yourself is a great way to promote personal development. Remember, knowing yourself is not the end of your journey. It is the first step to beginning your successful journey.

In this guide, I’ll answer all the questions about self-discovery that you’ve been wanting to ask. I’ll explain what it means to know yourself, how to get started on this journey of exploration, and give examples from my own experience.

By the end of this guide, you’ll have a new perspective on life as well as a clearer understanding of who you are and what makes you unique.

What do you mean by knowing yourself?

Importance of knowing yourself.

• 1. Knowing yourself simplify the decision-making.
• 2. Increased self-confidence.
• 3. A great way to express yourself.
• 4. It teaches you to understand others.
• 5. You’ll have a clearer vision of what success looks like for you.
• 6. Less stress and anxiety in your life.
• 7. It helps to improve relationships.
• 8. Self-knowledge teach you to love yourself.
• 9. Lead to faith in yourself.
• 10. Acknowledging one’s true self will value their self-worth.
• 11. Helps to find the better version of yourself.

12. Enhanced creativity.

• 13. Greater resilience.
• 14. Improve mood.

15. You will be happier.

• 16. Develop the courage to be disliked and be responsible.

17. You can become more productive.

18. have a better self-control., 19. you’ll avoid mistakes faster., 20. improving the communication., 1. spend the time with yourself., 2. live in the moment, 3. be honest with yourself, 4. be an observer., 5. find what makes you happy, 6. make a self-care plan, 7. talk to people who know you well, 1. pre-conceived notions, 2. fear of change, 3. outside influences, 4. fear of the unknown, 5. comfort zone, final thought.

Gaining knowledge of yourself entails learning and comprehending your thoughts, beliefs, weaknesses, strengths, and behaviors in various situations. Knowing who you are is important because you cannot love something you do not know or if you do not know yourself.

There is no way to be happy, no way to feel like everything is exactly right. The only way to truly know who you are is to accept and choose who you are.

Learning about yourself does not only mean you know about your favorite food, drink, hobby, dreams , or other personal things. It is just a part of your knowledge about yourself.

Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. Aristotle

When it comes to self-discovery, there are many paths you can take. Knowing yourself can mean different things to different people. There’s no single definition. It’s a lifelong exploration of who you are and what you value.

At its core, knowing yourself is about

– Understanding your identity: your capabilities and limitations, your likes and dislikes, your beliefs and values.

– Understanding how you fit into the world around yo, and building a sense of comfort with that sense of self.

– Recognizing the areas where you can grow and develop, both mentally and physically.

– Accepting yourself for who you are

– Cultivating self-compassion allows you to have empathy for yourself when things don’t go as planned instead of judging or beating yourself up for mistakes or disappointment

– Understanding areas in your life which need improvement and how to prioritize them. This is similar to a person having a roadmap for their life so that they can be on track with whatever goals they have set for themselves.

Ever wonder why some people can land amazing jobs, take great risks, or make bold decisions without seemingly breaking a sweat? It all comes down to one important thing: knowing yourself. Understanding your values, strengths, weaknesses, and goals is the foundation for going after the life that you want for yourself.

Self-discovery can empower you to find new paths and make better choices. It can give you the confidence to go after what you want, and the insight to develop meaningful connections with the people around you.

By understanding yourself more, you become more creative, think more critically and explore things in ways that make sense for who you are; all of which helps create a clearer picture of where you’re going.

Moreover, knowledge about yourself also allows for an overall improvement in wellbeing–mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually which is an essential part of a quality lifestyle. It’s an opportunity for personal growth by learning about likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses all of which lead to a greater sense of fulfillment.

Ultimately, true self-knowledge will guide life decisions towards the most beneficial outcomes for your growth and happiness . Knowing yourself is essential for living your most authentic life.

The benefits of knowing yourself

Do you want to get to know yourself better? When you understand yourself and accept your authentic self, you gain many mental and emotional benefits. So, what are the advantages of self-discovery?

1. Knowing yourself simplify the decision-making .

Decision-making can be difficult at times due to the conflicting standards in our hearts and minds. When you try to make a decision, it will become like a war between the heart and the mind.

As your understanding of who you are deepens, so does your ability to make wiser decisions that reflect what matters most to YOU. You’ll be more likely to choose activities that will help bring out the best version of “you” as well as align with what will make you happy because when it comes down to it that is much more important than anything else.

2. Increased self-confidence .

Self-discovery helps you be more comfortable in your own skin. As you become more aware of yourself and your personality , quirks, values and strengths, your sense of confidence will naturally increase.

And the more self-assured you become, the easier it is to take risks and make positive changes like engaging in a healthier lifestyle or pursuing a career path that aligns with who you truly are.

3. A great way to express yourself .

One of the most important things is when you know about yourself, you can be courage enough to express your true self . The self-confidence it takes to tell others who you are while holding your head high is amazing. When you have that confidence to be a straightforward person, you will be a great person who is respected by the people around you .

4. It teaches you to understand others .

If you cannot understand or know yourself, you won’t be able to get to know or understand others.

SWOT, have you ever heard about this concept? It is a concept of an analysis that is used to identify the strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, and threats. Know thyself is also an analytical concept that can assist you in identifying yourself.

Therefore, it will help you identify and understand other feelings and emotions in a proper way.

5. You’ll have a clearer vision of what success looks like for you .

You’ll have a clearer vision of what success looks like for you personally and professionally (and how much time/money this will take). This means that if there’s something that needs changing in your life right now but doesn’t seem important enough yet (or maybe even seems like it might not work out), then maybe there’s something else going on in your life right now that needs changing before we can move forward with this one thing with the help of your self-knowledge.

6. Less stress and anxiety in your life .

You’ll have more control over your emotions, which means less stress and anxiety in your life and allowing them to flow more easily when they do arise instead of becoming bottled up inside until they explode out of control at some point down the road (hopefully never)

7. It helps to improve relationships .

Knowing who you are strengthens the bonds that you have with others. It also helps develop greater relationship s with others. When you know your likes, dislikes, passions, and purpose in life, it becomes easier to communicate and express yourself correctly with those around you.

Plus, understanding yourself better can help build trust within yourself and your relationships because if you don’t trust or respect the person staring at you in the mirror, it’s going to be hard for someone else to do it either.

8. Self-knowledge teach you to love yourself .

Self-knowledge has the ability to make you fall in love with yourself. Sometimes it is very hard to love yourself because of different reasons. Like you cannot accept the person who used to be in the past or due to the negative-minded personality that still does not leave you.

However, learning about yourself allows you to love yourself.

9. Lead to faith in yourself .

When you begin to know the power of knowing yourself, it is a huge conceptual way to change your life. as it leads you to build faith in yourself. When you start believing in yourself, no matter how difficult the situation, you will no longer be held back by fear . It will help you to love and faith in yourself unconditionally.

10. Acknowledging one’s true self will value their self-worth .

Sometimes we suffer because we do not know our value. We think we are not worthy enough. Self-worth is very essential for a person to live a better life. If you want to truly know your self-worth , value yourself by knowing who you are.

11. Helps to find the better version of yourself .

It is the most effective way to guide yourself in the right direction. Starting to know yourself configure your passions , weakness and the skills you need to develop to find the better version of yourself.

To become a better version of oneself, one must be able to make sound decisions, have faith in oneself, recognize one’s own worth, love and believe in oneself, and learn and understand oneself.

By the way, you can find your personal vision to be successful person.

If you believe that nothing will work for you because you are not deserving, try to understand the value of knowing yourself.

Understanding and learning the power of knowing yourself gives you the clarity and the sense of eternity to no longer be dependent on just your physical appearance.

It can give rise to new creative ideas or solutions when tackling a problem head-on.

13. Greater resilience .

Knowing yourself allows you to handle life’s challenges better as you have a better understanding of your strengths and weaknesses.

14. Improve mood .

Understanding yourself can provide insight into what is causing negative thoughts or behaviors that may be contributing to a bad mood or decreased sense of wellbeing.

You will be happier because now it won’t matter if someone else doesn’t like something about you or if they don’t approve of what you’re doing or saying. Rather than letting these things bother us so much, we can simply move on with our lives, knowing that no one else can affect our happiness except ourselves.

You’ll be happier overall because you won’t feel like a victim of circumstance or other people’s emotions. Instead, you’ll see yourself as an agent in your own life who has choices about how he or she wants things to go — even if those choices aren’t always easy ones.

16. Develop the courage to be disliked and be responsible .

This is very important. This will help you find yourself. The perspectives, behaviors, and skills of the people in the world are not the same.

Self-knowledge helps one be responsible for one’s actions .

What if you waste your life just to satisfy the opinions of others? So, remember, life is too short to be responsible for the happiness of every person in the world.

Self-awareness allows us to see where we are doing well and where we need improvement, so we can focus our efforts where they will yield the greatest results.

This also helps us realize when we’re being self-conscious or negative about ourselves (which leads to procrastination), thus freeing up time for other activities that are more important than any one task at hand (like spending time with loved ones).

Self-control is your ability to control your thoughts, feelings, impulses, and behavior. People who have high levels of self-control are able to resist temptation and delay gratification when necessary — something that can be useful in all areas of life.

When we don’t know ourselves well enough (or at all), we often make decisions based on what others want rather than what’s best for ourselves or how we feel about something — which can lead us into trouble later on down the line.

Self-knowledge helps us make better choices because it allows us to understand our own motivations and feelings better so we can make better decisions about matters like career advancement.

As self-awareness enabling you to recognize and control your reactions, feelings and emotions not just in the present moment, but in how such feelings inform your relationships with other people it improves the communication between you and those around you.

How did you get to know yourself?

How do you answer if somebody asks you how to get to know yourself?

• Be honest with yourself
• find the things which make you happy
• why do you want to be a better person
• find your goals
• which types of people you admire or surrounded with

When you stand in front of a mirror, you will see yourself (your physical appearance) in that mirror. But do you know that when you begin to know yourself, you will see the person inside yourself? It may be difficult to find or take the time to find what you are looking for. When you learn the power of knowing yourself, it will surely be able to brighten your life.

Let’s find a way to embark on the journey of self-discovery.

The best way to know yourself is to know what is inside your mind. Here I will suggest some tips for learning about yourself by spending time with yourself.

• Engaging in different hobbies like reading, journal writing, listening to music, or any other simple and easy one, which can make you enjoy, you will be able to find the time.
• Things you have instead of worrying the things you did not.
• Try to be a positive minded as always without being controlled by negativity.
• Try to talk to yourself.

Without worrying about the past or the future, try to focus on the present moment. To live freely and enjoy the moment you have to be happy, you need to find yourself. Otherwise, you will miss a great opportunity.

That means you should not lie to yourself. When you know exactly who you are but never want to accept who you are, you will be able to live freely. So never be afraid to accept who you are. You never wanted to lie to yourself.

Accepting yourself as you are does not prevent you from evolving into a better version of yourself. It makes you find the options to find the blocks that drag you backward. Never lie to yourself to escape from the harsh truth.

Being an observer is essential and beneficial in all aspects of your life. With that ability, you’ll be able to start observing your life pattern and what abilities, attitudes , and behaviors you still need to work on. And also, the people around you, your mood, how to find the person inside you, everything about yourself.

In order to know yourself, first you must find the things that make you happy. People seek their happiness to make others happy, not knowing that life is too short. (Here we talk about seeking happiness to find the life goal for another person’s expectations about our lives. Something like, not about helping others)

It’s important to take care of yourself if you want to be your best self. Make a list of things that bring you joy or make you feel good and make sure they’re part of your daily routine. This could include anything from journaling and meditating to going on long walks or listening to music.

Talk with people who might know more about you than even you do; your close friends, family members, mentors, etc. and get their insights on who you are. Ask them questions about the choices that have helped shape yourself and your life, as well as any advice they’d give someone like yourself.

Barriers That Prevent Us From Knowing Ourselves

You know that knowing yourself is essential to success, but you may not know why. The truth is, it’s often the barriers that prevent us from really understanding ourselves and our motivations that can prove to be the most challenging.

We all have pre-conceived notions about who we are; for example, we might feel like we always have to be the “good kid” or the “smart one.” These expectations can hold us back from exploring our true potential and authentic desires.

When exploring ourselves and our motivations, sometimes we have to accept things about ourselves, including negative traits that we don’t like. This often creates a fear of change in us, as it’s scary to confront those things about yourself and make changes.

Finally, outside influences can impact how well we know ourselves. Social pressures, family expectations, and societal norms can all lead us down a path that’s not necessarily best for our own personal growth and success . It’s important to remove these outside influences and focus on getting to know your true self.

By recognizing the barriers that stand between you and knowing yourself better, you will be able to overcome them and start the journey of learning who you really are.

Sometimes we find it hard to get to know ourselves because we are afraid of what we will discover. We may fear that we’ll uncover weaknesses or aspects of ourselves that make us feel ashamed, so we avoid the discomfort by sticking our heads in the sand.

But true self-discovery comes when we embrace our fears , embracing all aspects of ourselves even those parts that may be debilitating or uncomfortable.

It’s easy for us to stick with what is familiar (activities, friends, jobs) since it gives us a sense of comfort and security. But if you don’t take the time to venture out and try new things, how will you really get to know yourself? You need to push those boundaries and explore beyond your comfort zone in order for true self-discovery to occur.

Self-discovery is a never-ending journey. No matter how you change, it is very necessary to learn about and understand yourself throughout your life. 

Knowing yourself is a lifelong journey, and like any journey, it requires intentionality and focus. It requires understanding yourself and the things that make you unique, the things that make you tick, the things that bring you joy and the moments that fill you with peace. It also requires being honest with yourself, facing your fears and being brave enough to reach for the impossible.

Ultimately, it’s not about finding answers. It’s about learning to be comfortable with uncertainty and cultivating an inner stillness that allows you to navigate life with a sense of clarity, purpose, and joy. Take moments out of your day to ask yourself questions, reflect on your life, and explore the depths of your soul.

Self-discovery is not a destination, it’s a process. Embrace the journey and you’ll find yourself in a deeper relationship with yourself than you ever thought possible.

 Best of luck for your journey to discover the person inside you. I’m sure the journey will be amazing.

• Know Thy Self — Really by BY QUASSIM CASSAM – New York Times Magazine
• The surprising benefits of talking to yourself – By Paloma Mari-Beffa, The Conversation published on CNN.com
• The Importance of Knowing Yourself: Your Key to Fulfillment published in betterup.com by   Allaya Cooks-Campbell
• How To Know Yourself | Jordan Peterson | Best Life Advic
• Books to help you get to know yourself better by  Ali Roff Farrar (2021)published in Panmacmillan

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Sanju Danthanarayana

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Reflecting on How Well You Know Yourself

Table of contents, the significance of self-awareness, the challenges of self-discovery, exploring the layers within, the power of reflection, the transformative journey, references:.

• Tasha Eurich. (2017). "Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think."
• Daniel Goleman. (1995). "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ."
• John D. Mayer, Peter Salovey, & David R. Caruso. (2008). "Emotional Intelligence: New Ability or Eclectic Traits?" American Psychologist, 63(6), 503-517.
• Carl Rogers. (1980). "A Way of Being." Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.
• Donna Hicks. (2011). "Dignity: The Essential Role It Plays in Resolving Conflict." Yale University Press.

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Essay on Myself: 100 Words, 250 Words and 300 Words

• Updated on  
• Mar 12, 2024

We are all different from each other and it is important to self-analyze and know about yourself. Only you can know everything about yourself. But, when it comes to describing yourself in front of others many students fail to do so. This happens due to the confusion generated by a student’s mind regarding what things to include in their description. This confusion never arises when someone is told to give any opinion about others. This blog will help students and children resolve the confusion and it also includes an essay on myself. 

While writing an “essay on myself” you should have a unique style so that the reader would engage in your essay. It’s important to induce the urge to know about you in the reader then only you can perform well in your class. I would suggest you include your qualities, strengths, achievements, interests, and passion in your essay. Continue Reading for Essays on myself for children and students!

Quick Read: Essay on Child Labour

Table of Contents

• 1 Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students
• 2 Tips to Write Essay on Myself
• 3 100 Words Essay on Myself
• 4 250 Words Essay on Myself
• 5 10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children
• 6 300 Words Essay on Myself

Quick Read: Trees are Our Best Friend Essay

Long and Short Essay on Myself for Students

Mentioned below are essays on myself with variable word limits. You can choose the essay that you want to present in your class. These essays are drafted in simple language so that school students can easily understand. In addition, the main point to remember while writing an essay on myself is to be honest. Your honesty will help you connect with the reader.

Tell me about yourself is also one of the most important questions asked in the interview process. Therefore, this blog is very helpful for people who want to learn about how to write an essay on myself.

Tips to Write Essay on Myself

Given below are some tips to write an essay on myself:

• Prepare a basic outline of what to include in the essay about yourself.
• Stick to the structure to maintain fluency.
• Be honest to build a connection with the reader.
• Use simple language.
• Try to include a crisp and clear conclusion.

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100 Words Essay on Myself

I am a dedicated person with an urge to learn and grow. My name is Rakul, and I feel life is a journey that leads to self-discovery. I belong to a middle-class family, my father is a handloom businessman, and my mother is a primary school teacher .

I have learned punctuality and discipline are the two wheels that drive our life on a positive path. My mother is my role model. I am passionate about reading novels. When I was younger, my grandmother used to narrate stories about her life in the past and that has built my interest towards reading stories and novels related to history.

Overall I am an optimistic person who looks forward to life as a subject that teaches us values and ways to live for the upliftment of society.

Also Read: Speech on Discipline

250 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Ayushi Singh but my mother calls me “Ayu”. I turned 12 years old this August and I study in class 7th. I have an elder sister named Aishwarya. She is like a second mother to me. I have a group of friends at school and out of them Manvi is my best friend. She visits my house at weekends and we play outdoor games together. I believe in her and I can share anything with her.

Science and technology fascinate me so I took part in an interschool science competition in which my team of 4 girls worked on a 3-D model of the earth representing past, present, and future. It took us a week to finish off the project and we presented the model at Ghaziabad school. We were competing against 30 teams and we won the competition.

I was confident and determined about the fact that we could win because my passion helped me give my 100% input in the task. Though I have skills in certain subjects I don’t have to excel in everything, I struggle to perform well in mathematics . And to enhance my problem-solving skills I used to study maths 2 hours a day. 

I wanted to become a scientist, and being punctual and attentive are my characteristics as I never arrive late for school. Generally, I do my work on my own so that I inculcate the value of being an independent person. I always help other people when they are in difficult situations. 

Also Read: Essay on the Importance of the Internet

10 Lines on Myself Essay for Children

Here are 10 lines on myself essay for children. Feel free to add them to similar essay topics.

• My name is Ananya Rathor and I am 10 years old.
• I like painting and playing with my dog, Todo.
• Reading animal books is one of my favourite activities.
• I love drawing and colouring to express my imagination.
• I always find joy in spending time outdoors, feeling the breeze on my face.
• I love dancing to Indian classical music.
• I’m always ready for an adventure, whether it’s trying a new hobby or discovering interesting facts.
• Animals are my friends, and I enjoy spending time with pets or observing nature’s creatures.
• I am a very kind person and I respect everyone.
• All of my school teachers love me.

300 Words Essay on Myself

My name is Rakul. I believe that every individual has unique characteristics which distinguish them from others. To be unique you must have an extraordinary spark or skill. I live with my family and my family members taught me to live together, adjust, help others, and be humble. Apart from this, I am an energetic person who loves to play badminton.

I have recently joined Kathak classes because I have an inclination towards dance and music, especially folk dance and classical music. I believe that owing to the diversity of our country India, it offers us a lot of opportunities to learn and gain expertise in various sectors.

My great-grandfather was a classical singer and he also used to play several musical instruments. His achievements and stories have inspired me to learn more about Indian culture and make him proud. 

I am a punctual and studious person because I believe that education is the key to success. Academic excellence could make our careers shine bright. Recently I secured second position in my class and my teachers and family members were so proud of my achievement. 

I can manage my time because my mother taught me that time waits for no one. It is important to make correct use of time to succeed in life. If we value time, then only time will value us. My ambition in life is to become a successful gynaecologist and serve for human society.

Hence, these are the qualities that describe me the best. Though no one can present themselves in a few words still I tried to give a brief about myself through this essay. In my opinion, life is meant to be lived with utmost happiness and an aim to serve humanity. Thus, keep this in mind, I will always try to help others and be the best version of myself.

Also Read: Essay on Education System

A. Brainstorm Create a format Stick to the format Be vulnerable Be honest Figure out what things to include Incorporate your strengths, achievements, and future goals into the essay

A. In an essay, you can use words like determined, hardworking, punctual, sincere, and objective-oriented to describe yourself in words.

A. Use simple and easy language. Include things about your family, career, education, and future goals. Lastly, add a conclusion paragraph.

This was all about an essay on myself. The skill of writing an essay comes in handy when appearing for standardized language tests. Thinking of taking one soon? Leverage Live provides the best online test prep for the same. Register today and if you wish to study abroad then contact our experts at 1800572000 .

Kajal Thareja

Hi, I am Kajal, a pharmacy graduate, currently pursuing management and is an experienced content writer. I have 2-years of writing experience in Ed-tech (digital marketing) company. I am passionate towards writing blogs and am on the path of discovering true potential professionally in the field of content marketing. I am engaged in writing creative content for students which is simple yet creative and engaging and leaves an impact on the reader's mind.

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Looking for Your True Self? 10 Strategies for Self-Knowledge

Follow these 10 pathways to a more vital sense of self..

Posted March 18, 2016 | Reviewed by Jessica Schrader

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The what and the how of self-knowledge

What do people mean when they advise you to “know yourself"?

That was the subject of this post , where I described six key elements of self-knowledge. To remember them, just memorize this simple acronym: VITALS. “VITALS” (or “VITAL Signs”) stands for:

• I nterests/Passions
• T emperament
• A round-the-Clock ( biorhythms )
• L ife Purpose/ Goals
• S trengths/Skills

I loved creating the acronym “VITALS,” because, well, I love acronyms, and VITALS reflects a happy reality—once you know something about yourself and act on it, you actually do build a more vital sense of self. (For more details on VITALS, click here .)

So now you know what to look for. But how do you learn about your VITAL signs? And where can you find them?

The process can be haphazard and serendipitous. You may have a teacher who tells you that you have a strength in math or science, and the seed of a career idea is planted. You may become outraged when you witness or experience an injustice and decide you have a life goal to rectify this wrong. You may be one of the happy few who can build a life around an outstanding interest or passion , like pop star Gwen Stefani who said , “When I was able to first write a song, that’s when I found my whole self.”

While luck and genes play a part in learning who you are, you can also apply deliberate strategies to help you find your true self. Think of your search as a treasure hunt, with clues and red herrings scattered along the way. Here are 10 useful strategies to use:

10 Strategies of Self-Discovery

1. Listen to compliments and absorb them. If you have a tendency to dismiss or brush off compliments, stop! While it’s true that some people might manipulate you through compliments, many more might be noticing one of your VITAL signs—something you yourself may have overlooked. In 11th grade, my English teacher wrote at the top of one of my papers: “Do you like to write? There’s much in this essay that says that you do.” Although I took another career path, I never forgot this comment, and here I am writing after all. (Thanks, Helen Hollander!)

Knowing your own strengths is one of the foundations of self-confidence as well as of self-knowledge. Become a person who “takes in the good,” listening for compliments that could be clues to your strengths.

2. Notice your emotions and "flow" states.

When do you get happily lost in whatever you are doing? Flow states are a clue to what is satisfying to your true self. Positive feeling states like love, joy, and contentment can also contain clues.

Even negative emotions can help you out in your quest for self-knowledge. At times, emotions like anger , sadness, and fear can tell you what you may need to confront, accept, or change in your life. At other times, these same emotions might hint at people, places, or things you need to minimize or avoid to maintain your selfhood and sanity.

3. Notice what you are thinking.

Yes, mindfulness . Of course, you can meditate in order to observe the contents of your mind. But you can also just be mindful of the thoughts that arise on a minute-by-minute basis. These thoughts can guide you toward a better understanding of yourself. For example, your friend persuades you to buy a particular dress; this purchase sparks regret, not joy, because you wish you’d saved the money. Now you realize that at this moment you value savings over more possessions. A VITAL sign?

4. Become friends with your mistakes.

Learning to be yourself is easier when you develop a growth mindset —the ability to see a hard problem as a challenge rather than a stress . When you don’t have to be perfect, you can accept your mistakes, recognize that your missteps could lead to a potential learning experience, and figure out what you could do differently the next time.

Even outright failure, while painful, can be a spur to new directions. Terry Gross , the revered NPR host of “Fresh Air,” started out as an eighth grade teacher in an inner-city public school in 1972. She couldn’t control the class and was fired after six weeks. Think of all the wonderful interviews the public would have missed had she stayed—unhappily—in teaching!

5. Keep a journal or take time to reflect.

Keep a journal of the moments that might be clues to your identity . I love the now-classic “Three Good Things” exercise: At day’s end, think of three good things that you did, or that happened to you, during the day. Research indicates that this activity will increase your happiness quotient, as well as strengthen your “ gratitude attitude.” But it can also highlight moments that gave you a measure of satisfaction or self-confidence, and those moments could be clues to your VITAL signs. Example: You are playing with your niece and notice that you handled several tricky situations well. Clue?

6. Listen to other people, but make and live by your own decisions.

Assuming you are an adult, with an adult’s complicated life, only you know what is best for you in the long run. When you make your own decisions—however they turn out, you pave the way for self-knowledge. Develop a healthy suspicion of “shoulds.” What do you want ?

7. Talk to a therapist or counselor.

In your search for self, you may get blocked by various barriers, both internal and external. (I’ll write more about these in an upcoming blog.) A therapist or career counselor can help remove these barriers and/or help you explore new paths and grow in new directions.

8. Try personality and temperament tests.

While best done under a mental health professional’s supervision, you can also find versions of well-researched personality and temperament tests on the Internet. Although I haven’t tested out these free versions myself, you might find them helpful … as long as you take them with a few grains of salt:

Career builder The Myers-Briggs Temperament Indicator (MBTI) Holland Code Career Test

Caution 1: Some tests on the Internet lack scientific validity. Watch out! Caution 2: Remember, no test is the final authority on you. You are!

9. Practice assertiveness .

You may know yourself, but can you be yourself? When you express your feelings, wants, needs, and opinions in a direct, honest, and appropriate way, you are being assertive. You are also strengthening your sense of self. Example: Your spouse is critical of something you did and yells at you. You reply, “Don’t speak to me that way. If there’s something wrong, I’ll talk about it--but without the yelling.” Now you know: Being treated with respect is important to you. You can defend yourself.

10. Surround yourself with good people who accept you and foster your growth.

Some friends and relatives help you become your best self, while others thwart your self-expression and self-discovery. While you can probably learn something from all of them, you may find that your path is easier when most of the people you associate with have your best interests at heart and leave you free to follow your own star.

Some people think there’s no such thing as a “true self.” I disagree. When your outer life and actions are congruent with your inner VITAL Signs, you experience a strong and distinct sense of self. Life becomes more exciting and vibrant.

But it IS true that we evolve over time, and your true self is constantly evolving, expanding, and contracting, again and again. Knowing yourself is a dynamic process, not a static one. Your true self is less like a snapshot and more like a video.

What experiences, books, ideas, and people have helped you “find yourself"?

© Meg Selig, 2016. All rights reserved.

If you benefited from this post, you might also enjoy these:

• "Know Yourself? 6 Specific Ways to Know Who You Are"
• "The Assertiveness Habit"
• Living With Integrity (Cynthia Kane)

For more on habits, health, and happiness, scroll down to my photo below and follow me on Facebook , Twitter, or LinkedIn.

Meg Selig is the author of Changepower! 37 Secrets to Habit Change Success .

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Tips for crafting a compelling and authentic personal essay.

Writing an essay about yourself can be a daunting task, but when done right, it can be a powerful tool to showcase who you are and what makes you unique. Whether you’re applying for college, a scholarship, or a job, a well-crafted essay can help you stand out from the crowd and leave a lasting impression on the reader.

When writing a personal essay, it’s important to strike a balance between being informative and engaging. You want to provide the reader with insight into your background, experiences, and goals, while also keeping them interested and invested in your story. In this guide, we’ll walk you through the process of writing a compelling essay about yourself, from brainstorming ideas to polishing your final draft.

Essential Tips for Crafting

When crafting a compelling essay about yourself, it is important to think about your audience and what message you want to convey. Here are some essential tips to help you create an engaging and authentic essay:

A Powerful Personal Essay

Writing a powerful personal essay is a way to express your unique voice and share your personal experiences with the world. By weaving together your thoughts, emotions, and reflections, you can create a compelling narrative that resonates with your audience. To craft a powerful personal essay, start by reflecting on your own experiences and exploring the themes that matter to you. Pay attention to the details and emotions that make your story come alive. Be honest and vulnerable in your writing, as authenticity is key to connecting with your readers. Additionally, consider the structure of your essay and how you can effectively organize your thoughts to engage your audience from beginning to end. By following these tips and staying true to your voice, you can create a powerful personal essay that leaves a lasting impact on your readers.

Choose a Unique Aspect

When writing an essay about yourself, it’s important to focus on a unique aspect of your personality or experiences that sets you apart from others. This could be a specific skill, talent, or life experience that has had a significant impact on your life. By choosing a unique aspect to highlight, you can make your essay more compelling and memorable to the reader. It’s important to showcase what makes you different and showcase your individuality in a way that will capture the reader’s attention.

of Your Personality

When writing about your personality, it’s important to showcase your unique traits and qualities. Describe what sets you apart from others, whether it’s your creativity, resilience, sense of humor, or compassion. Use specific examples and anecdotes to illustrate these characteristics and provide insight into who you are as a person.

Highlight your strengths and acknowledge your weaknesses – this shows self-awareness and honesty. Discuss how your personality has evolved over time and mention any experiences that have had a significant impact on shaping who you are today. Remember to be authentic and genuine in your portrayal of yourself as this will make your essay more compelling and engaging to the reader.

Reflect Deeply on

When writing an essay about yourself, it is crucial to take the time to reflect deeply on your life experiences, values, beliefs, and goals. Consider the events that have shaped you into the person you are today, both positive and negative. Think about your strengths and weaknesses, your passions and interests, and how they have influenced your decisions and actions. Reflecting on your personal journey will help you uncover meaningful insights that can make your essay more compelling and authentic.

Your Life Experiences

When it comes to writing an essay about yourself, one of the most compelling aspects to focus on is your life experiences. These experiences shape who you are and provide unique insights into your character. Reflect on significant moments, challenges you’ve overcome, or memorable events that have had a lasting impact on your life.

• Consider discussing pivotal moments that have influenced your beliefs and values.
• Share personal anecdotes that highlight your strengths and resilience.
• Explore how your life experiences have shaped your goals, aspirations, and ambitions.

By sharing your life experiences in your essay, you can showcase your individuality and demonstrate what sets you apart from others. Be genuine, reflective, and honest in recounting the events that have shaped your journey and contributed to the person you are today.

Create a Compelling

When crafting an essay about yourself, it is essential to create a compelling narrative that captures the attention of the reader from the very beginning. Start by brainstorming unique and engaging personal experiences or qualities that you want to highlight in your essay. Consider including vivid anecdotes, insightful reflections, and impactful moments that showcase your character and achievements. Remember to be authentic and sincere in your writing, as this will resonate with your audience and make your essay more relatable. By creating a compelling narrative, you can effectively communicate your story and leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Narrative Structure

The narrative structure is crucial when writing an essay about yourself. It helps to create a compelling and engaging story that showcases your unique qualities and experiences. Start by introducing the main theme or message you want to convey in your essay. Then, build a coherent storyline that highlights significant events or moments in your life. Use descriptive language and vivid details to bring your story to life and make it more relatable to the readers. Include a clear beginning, middle, and end to ensure that your essay follows a logical progression and captivates the audience throughout.

Emphasize the lessons you’ve learned from your experiences and how they have shaped your character and outlook on life. Connect these insights to your personal growth and development, demonstrating your resilience, determination, and self-awareness. End your essay on a reflective note, highlighting the impact of your journey on who you are today and what you aspire to achieve in the future. By following a strong narrative structure, you can craft a captivating essay that showcases your authenticity and leaves a lasting impression on the readers.

Highlight Your

When writing an essay about yourself, it is essential to highlight your unique qualities and experiences that set you apart from others. Consider including personal anecdotes, achievements, strengths, and challenges that have shaped your identity. Focus on showcasing your authenticity and individuality to make your essay compelling and engaging.

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What Is Self-Knowledge in Psychology? 8 Examples & Theories

Another provocative question is, “Why do I act the way I do?”

If you’ve asked yourself similar questions, you are not alone.

When we don’t know ourselves or act in ways we don’t understand or aren’t fond of, it may be a signal that change is in order. But how do we change, and what needs changing?

Einstein once reflected, “How many people are trapped in their everyday habits: part numb, part frightened, part indifferent? To have a better life, we must keep choosing how we’re living” (Cooper, 2001, p. 131).

Ignorance, fear, and indifference do not provide the impetus for gaining self-knowledge or effecting positive change.

Conversely, self-analysis leads to self-knowledge, which is the necessary first step in initiating positive change (Schaffner, 2020).

Let’s explore how self-knowledge facilitates self-improvement and provides other benefits.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to download our three Strengths Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help your clients realize their unique potential and create a life that feels energizing and authentic.

This Article Contains:

What is self-knowledge in psychology, why is self-knowledge important, how can self-knowledge lead to self-mastery, self-knowledge vs self-awareness, self-knowledge, self-identity, & self-concept, 2 real-life examples of self-knowledge, 6 theories about self-knowledge, resources from positivepsychology.com, a take-home message.

Self-knowledge in psychology is “actual genuine information one possesses about oneself” (Morin & Racy, 2021, p. 373). This includes information about our emotional state, personality traits, relationships, behavioral patterns, opinions, beliefs, values, needs, goals, preferences, and social identity (Morin & Racy, 2021).

Self-knowledge results from self-reflective and social processes (Morin & Racy, 2021).

However, self-knowledge isn’t derived solely from introspection. According to Brown (1998), there are five sources that contribute to the reservoir of self-knowledge.

1. Physical world

This category of information is limited to physical information such as height, weight, and eye color.

2. Social comparisons

This source of self-knowledge occurs when comparing ourselves with others. Subcategories include upward and downward comparisons, in which we compare ourselves with someone better off and worse off, respectively (Brown, 1998).

3. Reflected appraisals

This source of self-knowledge stems from others’ evaluations of us. The term denotes the fact that we see ourselves reflected through the eyes of others (Brown, 1998).

4. Introspection

This source of self-knowledge is derived through inward observation of thoughts, feelings, motives, and desires. Introspection is interwoven with and integrally connected to self-knowledge.

5. Self-perception

In this category of self-knowledge, we learn about ourselves through observing and examining our own behavior.

Schaffner (2020) includes two additional sources of self-knowledge:

6. CBT-style approaches

Another source of self-knowledge emanates from a rational analysis of our negative thought processes through approaches similar to and including Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT).

7. Mindfulness techniques

Mindfulness-based techniques help us assess and enhance our emotional intelligence skills, building self-knowledge (Schaffner, 2020).

In sum, self-knowledge is obtained through a combination of the physical, social, and psychological world.

Indeed, “People who do not see themselves accurately are likely to bungle their lives” (Begley, 2020).

Key aspects at risk due to lack of self-knowledge include life partner choices, education and career choices, and where and how to live (Morin & Racy, 2021).

Deficits in self-knowledge lead to over-estimation of subjective strengths, which can cause lower life satisfaction and poor academic performance (Morin & Racy, 2021).

Schaffner (2020) lists five reasons self-knowledge is essential for psychological growth.

• It satisfies the desire to learn and make sense of experiences.
• It prevents discord between self-perceptions and others’ perceptions of us.
• It emancipates us from the irrational whims of our unconscious.
• It facilitates proactive responses rather than reactivity.
• It is a necessary first step for positive change.

Huseyin (2017) suggests that self-knowledge demands us to develop a balanced suspicion of our feelings.

Other benefits include having less work frustration, less insecurity and envy, and less stress about money. In addition, we gain the ability to take responsibility for our emotions and have more empathy and compassion (Huseyin, 2017).

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Because self-knowledge includes honest self-assessments and other acquired information, we can use it to make positive changes and master aspects of our lives.

Self-knowledge is essential for “giving a meaningful narrative to our past, present, and future actions, a sense of continuity over time, a sense of being both unique and similar to others” (Bukowski, 2019).

Knowing ourselves enhances our ability to live coherent and fulfilling lives. In addition, it allows us to understand our basic motivations and fears, and enhances our control of our emotions (Schaffner, 2020).

Conversely, the inability to recognize our feelings leaves us vulnerable and at their mercy (Schaffner, 2020).

Stellar self-knowledge motivates us to pursue ambitious projects, relationships, and other challenges. Lack of insight can inhibit great aspirations (Begley, 2020).

Psychosocial domains ripe for change

Three domains ripe for change include blind spots, self-deception, and conflict triggers.

1. Blind spots

Blind spots are unconscious processes that “typically bias the access to and formation of self-knowledge” (Bukowski, 2019).

In this video, we learn that Brian Wagner views the world differently than most and uses his gift to help others identify their personal blind spots and overcome their self-limiting beliefs.

2. Self-deception

Baumeister (2010) describes self-deception as a kind of wishful thinking. In this state, we believe what we want to believe, bereft of rigorous justifications. Various biases serve as a vehicle for self-deception.

3. Conflict triggers

Conflict triggers are words or actions performed by another that are perceived as offensive and create conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011). Taibbi (2019) suggests these triggers stem from unhealed wounds from our past.

Why few people seek self-knowledge

• Exploring unknown aspects of ourselves is risky, as it may reveal information that contradicts our current self-beliefs .
• Our culture is more interested in success and advancement than introspection (Huseyin, 2017).
• A variety of closely related terms distract information seekers, forming barriers to self-knowledge (Bukowski, 2019). Terms such as self-awareness, self-concept, and self-identity dilute the field of self-knowledge.

Let’s analyze some of these terms to provide greater clarity.

Self-knowledge refers to information about subjective tendencies, such as our emotional state, personality traits, and behavioral patterns (Morin & Racy, 2021).

Psychologists view self-awareness as a stepping stone on the path toward self-knowledge (Alicke, Zhang, & Stephenson, 2020).

Goleman (1997) states that in self-awareness, the mind investigates experiences and the corresponding emotions. This investigation can be both nonreactive and nonjudgmental.

Goleman (1997, p. 47) simplifies the concept of self-awareness by defining it as being “aware of both our mood and our thoughts about that mood.”

Some benefits of self-awareness include enhanced emotional intelligence, empathy, and listening skills (Berger, 2018).

Strong empathy and listening skills are instrumental in communication and for building robust and enriching interpersonal relationships.

In addition, self-awareness boosts critical thinking and decision making. These are skills often associated with effective leaders (Berger, 2018).

Increase your self-awareness with one simple fix – Tasha Eurich

According to Sheldon Stryker, identity is “a ‘part’ of one’s self that is ‘called up’ while interacting with others” (Appelrough & Desfor-Edles, 2008, p. 478).

The number of identities associated with a person corresponds with the roles they participate in, such as child, parent, employee, friend, and spouse (Appelrough & Desfor-Edles, 2008).

Identity salience refers to how the person organizes their identities hierarchically, as not every identity has the same meaning or status (Appelrough & Desfor-Edles, 2008).

Self-concept is the image we develop about ourselves, which, contrary to self-knowledge, may or may not be reality based (Morin & Racy, 2021). Self-concept may be ascertained using assessments such as the Self-Concept Questionnaire. This tool asks 48 questions assessing domains of self, such as moral, intellectual, social, physical, educational, and temperamental.

Self-concept is developed based on beliefs about self, whereas self-knowledge is derived from various sources of information, including external evidence (Morin & Racy, 2021).

A lack of clarity, stability, and consistency of self-concept is associated with low self-esteem , chronic self-analysis, high neuroticism, low agreeableness, and low conscientiousness (Morin & Racy, 2021).

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The insight self-knowledge brings can lead to a wellspring of information needed to make critical decisions and take necessary action for health and wellbeing.

Naomi Osaka

Osaka made the difficult decision to put her mental health before her career and public image by declining to participate in the 2021 French Open press conferences (Kelly, 2021).

As public fervor grew, Osaka withdrew from the tournament and was subsequently fined $15,000 and given a stern lecture on tournament code infractions (Kelly, 2021).

It appears that Osaka knew herself physically, mentally, socially, and professionally. She was forthcoming on social media about suffering from protracted bouts of depression following her first Grand Slam win in 2018 (Kelly, 2021).

She took initiative to prioritize caring for herself over her career, despite social scrutiny. Osaka is a rare example of how self-knowledge can be used to make critical, sometimes life-altering decisions.

Viktor Frankl

Viktor Frankl was a 20th-century psychiatrist and psychotherapist who, as a Holocaust survivor, emerged from horrific circumstances to create logotherapy and author numerous books (Frankl, 2006).

He was born in Vienna, Austria, in 1905 and received his MD and PhD from the University of Vienna. Frankl’s (2006) early work focused on depression and suicide.

After years of waiting, Frankl received his visa allowing emigration to the United States. However, the decision necessitated that he leave his parents, wife, and siblings behind. After contemplation, Frankl allowed the visa to lapse (Schatzman, 2011).

In 1942, Frankl was sent to the Theresienstadt concentration camp along with his family. He was the only member of his family to emerge from imprisonment (Schatzman, 2011).

Frankl’s body of work, early achievements, and life-transforming decisions signify self-knowledge proficiency and reflect his goals, values, beliefs, and social identity.

Various models and theories seek to explain self-knowledge. Below are concepts explaining how self-knowledge is acquired.

1. The unmediated observation model

The unmediated observation model, most notably associated with Descartes, posits that we attain self-knowledge through our own unmediated thoughts, separate from outside input or sources. This model is typically used for comparing other philosophical models (Gertler, 2003).

2. The transparency model

The transparency model involves making up your mind and rationally reflecting on and reaching a conclusion about the state of the world.

Using this model, we gain knowledge not just about our beliefs, but about any judgment-sensitive attitude. One attraction of transparency is the intimate connection between self-knowledge and agency (Jongepier, 2021).

3. Social constructionism

Social constructionism is a way of understanding ourselves and our world through the use of language to create a shared reality (Gergen, 2009). Constructionists theorize that meaning is created in relation to others.

4. The “looking-glass self”

This model, posited by sociologist Charles Horton Cooley, asserts that our sense of self is developed through interactions with others.

In this theory, our appearance is reflected through the other person. We then make a hypothesis about their judgment of us and have a resulting emotion regarding that judgment (Appelrough & Desfor-Edles, 2008).

5. Narrative self

Narrative self is necessary for introspective reasoning and autobiographical memory reconstruction. It includes two branches of thinking:

• Paradigmatic mode, which accesses logical explanations in order to build a rational explanation of reality
• Narrative mode, which uses meaningful interpretations of ourselves to create a coherent explanation of our identity

These narratives combine the past, present, and future events into a coherent sequence (Bukowski, 2019).

6. Self-perception theory

This theory, proposed by Daryl Bem, suggests that people learn about themselves by observing behavior and making inferences (Baumeister, 2010).

17 Exercises To Discover & Unlock Strengths

Use these 17 Strength-Finding Exercises [PDF] to help others discover and leverage their unique strengths in life, promoting enhanced performance and flourishing.

Created by Experts. 100% Science-based.

We have an array of resources to boost self-knowledge for yourself and your clients. Below is a list of recommended courses, articles, and free worksheets from around our site.

Mindfulness X© course

This course was developed to increase mindfulness through analysis of the underlying workings of habitual thought patterns. The combined psychology, research, and practice behind mindfulness help participants better understand the workings of the mind, adding to self-knowledge.

Emotional Intelligence Masterclass©

Emotional intelligence is the ability to manage and interpret emotional encounters. Individuals with high emotional intelligence skills tend to handle everyday stress better (Gohm, Corser, & Dalsky, 2005), have meaningful and close relationships (Schutte et al., 2001), and higher levels of wellbeing (Fernandez-Berrocal, Alcaide, Extremera, & Pizarro, 2006).

Emotional intelligence provides a deep understanding of subjective emotional tendencies, adding to self-knowledge. This masterclass  is an invaluable course for practitioners, as it includes high-quality material for practitioners to provide science-based training sessions.

This worksheet invites clients to discover who they are by considering how others and different temporal versions of themselves might respond to questions about their identity.

For instance, clients will consider how their closest friends and family likely perceive them. They will also consider what they would communicate about their present-day identity to past and future versions of themselves.

Personal Values Worksheet

Personal values refer to the beliefs, principles, and ideas that reflect the core of each individual. They bring meaning to our actions and shape our preferences, behaviors, and decisions.

This worksheet helps clients explore what they view as meaningful and important, serving as a basis to determine how they might focus their energy and time.

Replacing Negative Self-Talk

This exercise acknowledges the role of self-talk in making sense of our lives. Participants are encouraged to reframe negative self-talk into positive self-talk , making a positive change in their daily narrative.

Track and Measure Success

Because we remember the things that went wrong better than our successes, it is useful to track wins to add to your personal success story. This worksheet helps keep track of successes, adding to the self-knowledge base.

Self-Assessment for Assertiveness Self-Discovery

One of the numerous benefits of self-knowledge is that it can help enrich assertiveness skills. This worksheet prompts participants to explore various positive aspects of themselves to bolster confidence and self-efficacy .

87 Self-Reflection Questions for Introspection

This self-reflection article provides definitions, questions, and exercises that allow us to know ourselves more holistically.

17 Strength-Finding Exercises

If you’re looking for more science-based ways to help others develop their strengths, this collection contains 17 strength-finding tools for practitioners. Use them to help others better understand and harness their strengths in life-enhancing ways.

In this blog post, we’ve discussed several benefits and justifications for gaining self-knowledge.

Self-knowledge is essential for personal growth, decision making, and accurate self-assessment. It is the opposite of ignorance and helps us make sense of our experiences.

Importantly, self-knowledge is an essential tool to help in the change process. Change is hard. It requires intentionality and courage.

We humans spend a good amount of life avoiding the pain and discomfort associated with change.

The journey to gain self-knowledge seeks to dislodge us from our comfort zone to explore aspects of ourselves generally ignored or avoided.

The question I ask myself is, “How will I feel ten years from now if I choose not to look at all aspects of myself?”

Nelson Mandela stated,

“There is no passion to be found playing small—in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.”

Cooper, 2001, p. xvii

Although change may be difficult, healing, creativity, resilience, and passion are forged through change.

I believe waiting underneath our self-protective layers is a hidden wholeness.

So, who are you and what are you capable of? Aren’t you curious now?

We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Strengths Exercises for free .

• Alicke, M., Zhang, Y., & Stephenson, N. (2020). Self-awareness and self-knowledge. Oxford Research Encyclopedia of Psychology . Retrieved June 29, 2021, from  https://oxfordre.com/psychology/view/10.1093/acrefore/9780190236557.001.0001/acrefore-9780190236557-e-743
• Appelrough, S., & Desfor-Edles, L. (2008). Classical and contemporary sociological theory . Pine Forge Press.
• Baumeister, R. F. (2010). The self. In R. F. Baumeister & E. J. Finkel (Eds.), Advanced social psychology: The state of the science (pp. 143-175). Oxford University Press.
• Begley, S. (2020, May 18). How much self-knowledge is too much? Mindful. Retrieved June 9, 2021, from https://www.mindful.org/how-much-self-knowledge-is-too-much/
• Berger, B. (2018, May 22). Know thyself: Examining the benefits of self-reflection. Institute for Public Relations.  Retrieved June 7, 2021, from https://instituteforpr.org/know-thyself-examining-the-benefits-of-self-reflection/
• Brown, J. D. (1998).  The self.  Routledge.
• Bukowski, H. (2019). Self-knowledge. In V. Zeigler-Hill & T. K. Shackelford (Eds.) Encyclopedia of personality and individual differences (pp. 61–76). Springer.
• Cooper, R. K. (2001). The other 90% . Three Rivers Press.
• Fernandez-Berrocal, P., Alcaide, R., Extremera, N., & Pizarro, D. (2006). The role of emotional intelligence in anxiety and depression among adolescents.  Individual Differences Research ,  4 , 16–27.
• Frankl, V. E. (2006). Man’s search for meaning . Beacon Press.
• Gergen, K. J. (2009). An invitation to social constructionism (2nd ed.) Sage.
• Gertler, B. (2003). Self-knowledge. In E. N. Zalta (Ed.), Stanford encyclopedia of philosophy (Spring 2020 ed.). Retrieved July 19, 2021, from https://plato.stanford.edu/archives/spr2020/entries/self-knowledge/
• Gohm, C. L., Corser, G. C., & Dalsky, D. J. (2005). Emotional intelligence under stress: Useful, unnecessary, or irrelevant?  Personality and Individual Differences ,  39 (6), 1017–1028.
• Goleman, D. (1997). Emotional intelligence. Bantam.
• Huseyin, R. (2017, August 29). Why self-knowledge is hard to come by and what to do about it . Art of Wellbeing with Rezzan Huseyin. Retrieved May 31, 2021, from  https://www.artofwellbeing.com/2017/08/29/self-knowledge/
• Jongepier, F. (2021). The value of transparent self-knowledge. Ethical Theory and Moral Practice , 24 , 65–86.
• Kelly, J. (2021, June 1). Tennis star Naomi Osaka stood up for herself, bravely shared her mental health issues and walked away from the French Open. Forbes. Retrieved June 21, 2021, from https://www.forbes.com/sites/jackkelly/2021/06/01/tennis-star-naomi-osaka-stood-up-for-herself-bravely–shared-her-mental-health-issues-and-walked-away-from-the-french-open/
• Morin, A., & Racy, F. (2021). Dynamic self-processes. In J. Rauthmann (Ed.), The handbook of personality dynamics and processes (pp. 336–386). Elsevier.
• Schaffner, A. K. (2020, May 25). What’s so great about self-knowledge? Psychology Today. Retrieved May 31, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-art-self-improvement/202005/whats-so-great-about-self-knowledge
• Schatzman, M. (2011, October 23). Obituary: Viktor Frankl. Independent . Retrieved June 22, 2021, from https://www.independent.co.uk/news/people/ obituary-viktor-frankl-1237506
• Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., Bobik, C., Coston, T. D., Greeson, C., Jedlicka, C., … Wendorf, G. (2001). Emotional intelligence and interpersonal relations.  The Journal of Social Psychology ,  141 (4), 523–536.
• Taibbi, R. L. (2019). Healing the past in the present. Psychology Today. Retrieved July 1, 2021, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201907/healing-the-past-in-the-present
• Wilmot, W. W., & Hocker, J. L. (2011). Interpersonal conflict . McGraw-Hill.

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How to Write About Yourself in a College Essay | Examples

Published on September 21, 2021 by Kirsten Courault . Revised on May 31, 2023.

An insightful college admissions essay requires deep self-reflection, authenticity, and a balance between confidence and vulnerability. Your essay shouldn’t just be a resume of your experiences; colleges are looking for a story that demonstrates your most important values and qualities.

To write about your achievements and qualities without sounding arrogant, use specific stories to illustrate them. You can also write about challenges you’ve faced or mistakes you’ve made to show vulnerability and personal growth.

Table of contents

Start with self-reflection, how to write about challenges and mistakes, how to write about your achievements and qualities, how to write about a cliché experience, other interesting articles, frequently asked questions about college application essays.

Before you start writing, spend some time reflecting to identify your values and qualities. You should do a comprehensive brainstorming session, but here are a few questions to get you started:

• What are three words your friends or family would use to describe you, and why would they choose them?
• Whom do you admire most and why?
• What are the top five things you are thankful for?
• What has inspired your hobbies or future goals?
• What are you most proud of? Ashamed of?

As you self-reflect, consider how your values and goals reflect your prospective university’s program and culture, and brainstorm stories that demonstrate the fit between the two.

Prevent plagiarism. Run a free check.

Writing about difficult experiences can be an effective way to show authenticity and create an emotional connection to the reader, but choose carefully which details to share, and aim to demonstrate how the experience helped you learn and grow.

Be vulnerable

It’s not necessary to have a tragic story or a huge confession. But you should openly share your thoughts, feelings, and experiences to evoke an emotional response from the reader. Even a cliché or mundane topic can be made interesting with honest reflection. This honesty is a preface to self-reflection and insight in the essay’s conclusion.

Don’t overshare

With difficult topics, you shouldn’t focus too much on negative aspects. Instead, use your challenging circumstances as a brief introduction to how you responded positively.

Share what you have learned

It’s okay to include your failure or mistakes in your essay if you include a lesson learned. After telling a descriptive, honest story, you should explain what you learned and how you applied it to your life.

While it’s good to sell your strengths, you also don’t want to come across as arrogant. Instead of just stating your extracurricular activities, achievements, or personal qualities, aim to discreetly incorporate them into your story.

Brag indirectly

Mention your extracurricular activities or awards in passing, not outright, to avoid sounding like you’re bragging from a resume.

Use stories to prove your qualities

Even if you don’t have any impressive academic achievements or extracurriculars, you can still demonstrate your academic or personal character. But you should use personal examples to provide proof. In other words, show evidence of your character instead of just telling.

Many high school students write about common topics such as sports, volunteer work, or their family. Your essay topic doesn’t have to be groundbreaking, but do try to include unexpected personal details and your authentic voice to make your essay stand out .

To find an original angle, try these techniques:

• Focus on a specific moment, and describe the scene using your five senses.
• Mention objects that have special significance to you.
• Instead of following a common story arc, include a surprising twist or insight.

Your unique voice can shed new perspective on a common human experience while also revealing your personality. When read out loud, the essay should sound like you are talking.

If you want to know more about academic writing , effective communication , or parts of speech , make sure to check out some of our other articles with explanations and examples.

Academic writing

• Writing process
• Transition words
• Passive voice
• Paraphrasing

 Communication

• How to end an email
• Ms, mrs, miss
• How to start an email
• I hope this email finds you well
• Hope you are doing well

 Parts of speech

• Personal pronouns
• Conjunctions

First, spend time reflecting on your core values and character . You can start with these questions:

However, you should do a comprehensive brainstorming session to fully understand your values. Also consider how your values and goals match your prospective university’s program and culture. Then, brainstorm stories that illustrate the fit between the two.

When writing about yourself , including difficult experiences or failures can be a great way to show vulnerability and authenticity, but be careful not to overshare, and focus on showing how you matured from the experience.

Through specific stories, you can weave your achievements and qualities into your essay so that it doesn’t seem like you’re bragging from a resume.

Include specific, personal details and use your authentic voice to shed a new perspective on a common human experience.

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How to Get to Know Yourself: A Guide to Self-Discovery

Last Updated: September 2, 2024 Approved

This article was co-authored by Jessica Elliott, ACC, CEC and by wikiHow staff writer, Aly Rusciano . Jessica Elliott is a Certified Executive Coach and multi-passionate entrepreneur. She's the founder of LIFETOX, where she hosts mindful experiences and retreats, and J Elliott Coaching, which she provides executive consulting for professionals, teams, and organizations. Jessica has had over fifteen years experience as an entrepreneur and over five years of executive coaching experience. She received her ACC (Associate Certified Coach) accreditation through the International Coaching Federation (ICF) and her CEC (Certified Executive Coach) accreditation through Royal Roads University. There are 14 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. wikiHow marks an article as reader-approved once it receives enough positive feedback. In this case, 87% of readers who voted found the article helpful, earning it our reader-approved status. This article has been viewed 487,645 times.

The question “Who am I?” can bring on a series of thoughts, emotions, and feelings, but what if you don’t know how to answer? Getting to know yourself is a life-long journey. Feeling lost or confused about who you are is more common than you may think, and we’re here to help you find all the answers you’re looking for. In this article, we’ll take you through different ways of getting to know yourself. By practicing self-awareness, exploring your personality, and fulfilling your needs, you can discover who you truly are and build a lasting relationship with yourself. So, what are you waiting for? We have an identity to find!

Things You Should Know

• Question your thoughts, goals, and self-image to uncover how you view yourself.
• Determine your personality type through questionnaires to find your sense of self.
• Set boundaries for yourself to fulfill your wants, needs, relationships, and goals.

Practicing Self-Awareness

• Pay attention to the things that make you feel uncomfortable. These emotional signals can tell you if you’re trying to avoid something. Are you insecure about that characteristic? If so, how can you overcome it?
• For example, if you don't like to look in the mirror, ask yourself why. Are you insecure about your looks? Are you worried about your age? This could be a fear you can conquer.

• What do I love doing?
• What are my dreams?
• What do I want my legacy to be?
• What is my biggest criticism of myself?
• What are some mistakes I’ve made?
• How do others perceive me? How would I like them to perceive me?
• Who is my role model?

• Go to the mirror and describe yourself out loud or in your head. Are the descriptions positive or negative? Are they focused on your looks or your actions?
• When you start thinking negatively, stop yourself and question why you’re reacting that way.

• Look for patterns in your writing. Over time, you may find yourself repeating specific needs and wants.
• Write whatever is on your mind. Freewriting can help you unlock subconscious thoughts to help identify what’s bothering you.
• Alternatively, you can use prompts to guide your writing. Choose prompts that ask you to describe certain parts of your personality or habits.

• Pause and observe the world around you. What can you touch, taste, hear, see, and smell?
• Avoid eating meals at your computer or TV and focus on how the food tastes and feels in your mouth.
• Take a walk and notice how the ground feels beneath your feet, where the sun is in the sky, and if birds are chirping.

Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC

Mindfulness doesn't just make you present—it also makes you positive. When you focus on being present, paying attention to your surroundings, quieting your mind, and appreciating the present, you can reduce stress and foster a more positive way of thinking.

• If you have the thought, “My thighs are too big,” reframe it with, “My legs are strong and carry me where I want to go.” [7] X Research source
• If you think, “I weigh too much,” change the thought to, “Weight is just a number, and I am more than a number.”

wikiHow Quiz: How Is My Inner Child Wounded?

Which movie protagonist do you relate to the most.

Katniss from The Hunger Games. She always went out of her way to help others.

Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She wanted to be loved and accepted as someone else.

Loki from Marvel. He had big goals, even if they didn’t always work out.

Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean. He always had a funny quip regardless of the situation.

Exploring Your Personality

• Team leader
• Emotional support
• Mentor/Mentee
• Problem solver

• Values: What is important to you? What characteristics do you prize in yourself and others?
• Interests: What are you curious about? What do you like to do in your free time?
• Temperament: What 10 words describe you best? How do you handle difficult situations or confrontations?
• Activities: What are the most and least enjoyable parts of your day? Do you have any daily rituals?
• Life goals: What have been the most important events of your life? Where do you see yourself in five years?
• Strengths: What are your abilities, skills, and talents? What are you really good at?

• NERIS Type Explorer
• Meyers-Brigg Type Indicator
• Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI)
• Predictive Index Behavioral Assessment
• Big 5 Personality Assessment

• If you’re comfortable, ask your boss, mentor, or acquaintances about how they see you as an employee.
• If you disagree with anyone’s observations, that’s okay! Take every comment with a grain of salt, and acknowledge that you’re ever-evolving.

Fulfilling Your Needs

• Try to exercise for at least 20 minutes every day. Go for a walk after lunch or do a quick yoga flow before breakfast.
• Aim to get at least 7 to 9 hours of sleep a night to wake up refreshed.
• Eat a healthy diet made up of unprocessed fruits, vegetables, and whole grains.
• Find time to relax and unwind. Try meditating, knitting, working on a puzzle, or reading a book.

• Set boundaries with family, friends, and coworkers to ensure you maintain a healthy space at home and in the office.

• Consider if there’s anyone in your life who asks too much of you or makes you do things you don't want to. How far are you willing to go to please them?
• Be firm when setting boundaries, and don’t ever apologize for saying “no” to interactions or situations that may make you feel off—you know what’s best for you!

• For instance, maybe you want to write a book. Start a goal to write 500 words a day.
• Perhaps you want to make the largest cake for your nephew’s birthday. Set a goal to practice a new decorating skill every weekend.
• Your goals may change over time, and that’s perfectly okay! People change and grow with time, so don’t be afraid to alter your visions and follow new dreams.

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• Make sure you’re open to testing out different methods, and throwing out the ones that don’t serve you. Get experimental on your self-discovery journey and know that there’s no failures, only different paths of discovery. Thanks Helpful 0 Not Helpful 0

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• ↑ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to-be-honest-with-yourself
• ↑ https://www.usa.edu/blog/self-discovery-questions/
• ↑ https://au.reachout.com/articles/how-to-become-self-aware
• ↑ https://www.urmc.rochester.edu/encyclopedia/content.aspx?ContentID=4552&ContentTypeID=1
• ↑ https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/topic/mindfulness/definition
• ↑ https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/body-image.html#
• ↑ https://positivepsychology.com/positive-self-talk/
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/changepower/201603/looking-your-true-self-10-strategies-self-knowledge
• ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/02/5-ways-to-become-more-self-aware
• ↑ https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers/Taking-Care-of-Yourself
• ↑ https://hbr.org/2015/04/stop-trying-to-find-your-true-self-at-work
• ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-flux/201511/7-tips-create-healthy-boundaries-others
• ↑ https://www.depressioncenter.org/toolkit/i-want-stay-mentally-healthy/goal-setting

About This Article

To get to know yourself, write in a journal for a few minutes every day so you can keep track of your inner thoughts and feelings. As you write, ask yourself thoughtful questions, and try to be honest with yourself as you write down the answers. Some of these questions include, “What do you love doing?” “What are your dreams in life?” and “What are some mistakes you’ve made?” As you read through your journal, you’ll start to notice certain hopes, feelings, and regrets emerging that can give you more insight into yourself. Keep reading to learn how mindfulness and meditation can help you get to know yourself better! Did this summary help you? Yes No

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15 Tips for Writing a College Essay About Yourself

What’s covered:.

• What is the Purpose of the College Essay?
• How to Stand Out Without Showing Off
• 15 Tips for Writing an Essay About Yourself
• Where to Get Free Feedback on Your Essay

Most students who apply to top-tier colleges have exceptional grades, standardized test scores, and extracurricular activities. How do admissions officers decide which applicants to choose among all these stellar students? One way is on the strength of their college essay .

This personal statement, along with other qualitative factors like teacher recommendations, helps the admissions committee see who you really are—the person behind the transcript. So, it’s obviously important to write a great one.

What Is the Purpose of the College Essay? 

Your college essay helps you stand out in a pool of qualified candidates. If effective, it will also show the admissions committee more of your personality and allow them to get a sense of how you’ll fit in with and contribute to the student body and institution. Additionally, it will show the school that you can express yourself persuasively and clearly in writing, which is an important part of most careers, no matter where you end up. 

Typically, students must submit a personal statement (usually the Common App essay ) along with school-specific supplements. Some students are surprised to learn that essays typically count for around 25% of your entire application at the top 250 schools. That’s an enormous chunk, especially considering that, unlike your transcript and extracurriculars, it isn’t an assessment of your entire high school career.  

The purpose of the college essay is to paint a complete picture of yourself, showing admissions committees the person behind the grades and test scores. A strong college essay shows your unique experiences, personality, perspective, interests, and values—ultimately, what makes you unique. After all, people attend college, not their grades or test scores. The college essay also provides students with a considerable amount of agency in their application, empowering them to share their own stories.

How to Stand Out Without Showing Off 

It’s important to strike a balance between exploring your achievements and demonstrating humility. Your aim should be to focus on the meaning behind the experience and how it changed your outlook, not the accomplishment itself. 

Confidence without cockiness is the key here. Don’t simply catalog your achievements, there are other areas on your application to share them. Rather, mention your achievements when they’re critical to the story you’re telling. It’s helpful to think of achievements as compliments, not highlights, of your college essay.  

Take this essay excerpt , for example:

My parents’ separation allowed me the space to explore my own strengths and interests as each of them became individually busier. As early as middle school, I was riding the light rail train by myself, reading maps to get myself home, and applying to special academic programs without urging from my parents. Even as I took more initiatives on my own, my parents both continued to see me as somewhat immature. All of that changed three years ago, when I applied and was accepted to the SNYI-L summer exchange program in Morocco. I would be studying Arabic and learning my way around the city of Marrakesh. Although I think my parents were a little surprised when I told them my news, the addition of a fully-funded scholarship convinced them to let me go. 

Instead of saying “ I received this scholarship and participated in this prestigious program, ” the author tells a story, demonstrating their growth and initiative through specific actions (riding the train alone, applying academic programs on her own, etc.)—effectively showing rather than telling.

15 Tips for Writing an Essay About Yourself 

1. start early .

Leave yourself plenty of time to write your college essay—it’s stressful enough to compose a compelling essay without putting yourself under a deadline. Starting early on your essay also leaves you time to edit and refine your work, have others read your work (for example, your parents or a teacher), and carefully proofread.

2. Choose a topic that’s meaningful to you 

The foundation of a great essay is selecting a topic that has real meaning for you. If you’re passionate about the subject, the reader will feel it. Alternatively, choosing a topic you think the admissions committee is looking for, but isn’t all that important to you, won’t make for a compelling essay; it will be obvious that you’re not very invested in it.

3. Show your personality 

One of the main points of your college essay is to convey your personality. Admissions officers will see your transcript and read about the awards you’ve won, but the essay will help them get to know you as a person. Make sure your personality is evident in each part—if you are a jokester, incorporate some humor. Your friends should be able to pick your essay from an anonymous pile, read it, and recognize it as yours. In that same vein, someone who doesn’t know you at all should feel like they understand your personality after reading your essay. 

4. Write in your own voice 

In order to bring authenticity to your essay, you’ll need to write in your own voice. Don’t be overly formal (but don’t be too casual, either). Remember: you want the reader to get to know the real you, not a version of you that comes across as overly stiff or stilted. You should feel free to use contractions, incorporate dialogue, and employ vocabulary that comes naturally to you. 

5. Use specific examples 

Real, concrete stories and examples will help your essay come to life. They’ll add color to your narrative and make it more compelling for the reader. The goal, after all, is to engage your audience—the admissions committee. 

For example, instead of stating that you care about animals, you should tell us a story about how you took care of an injured stray cat. 

Consider this side-by-side comparison:

Example 1: I care deeply about animals and even once rescued a stray cat. The cat had an injured leg, and I helped nurse it back to health.

Example 2: I lost many nights of sleep trying to nurse the stray cat back to health. Its leg infection was extremely painful, and it meowed in distress up until the wee hours of the morning. I didn’t mind it though; what mattered was that the cat regained its strength. So, I stayed awake to administer its medicine and soothe it with loving ear rubs.

The second example helps us visualize this situation and is more illustrative of the writer’s personality. Because she stayed awake to care for the cat, we can infer that she is a compassionate person who cares about animals. We don’t get the same depth with the first example. 

6. Don’t be afraid to show off… 

You should always put your best foot forward—the whole point of your essay is to market yourself to colleges. This isn’t the time to be shy about your accomplishments, skills, or qualities. 

7. …While also maintaining humility 

But don’t brag. Demonstrate humility when discussing your achievements. In the example above, for instance, the author discusses her accomplishments while noting that her parents thought of her as immature. This is a great way to show humility while still highlighting that she was able to prove her parents wrong.

8. Be vulnerable 

Vulnerability goes hand in hand with humility and authenticity. Don’t shy away from exploring how your experience affected you and the feelings you experienced. This, too, will help your story come to life. 

Here’s an excerpt from a Common App essay that demonstrates vulnerability and allows us to connect with the writer:  

“You ruined my life!” After months of quiet anger, my brother finally confronted me. To my shame, I had been appallingly ignorant of his pain. 

Despite being twins, Max and I are profoundly different. Having intellectual interests from a young age that, well, interested very few of my peers, I often felt out of step in comparison with my highly-social brother. Everything appeared to come effortlessly for Max and, while we share an extremely tight bond, his frequent time away with friends left me feeling more and more alone as we grew older.

In this essay, the writer isn’t afraid to share his insecurities and feelings with us. He states that he had been “ appallingly ignorant ” of his brother’s pain, that he “ often felt out of step ” compared to his brother, and that he had felt “ more and more alone ” over time. These are all emotions that you may not necessarily share with someone you just met, but it’s exactly this vulnerability that makes the essay more raw and relatable. 

9. Don’t lie or hyperbolize 

This essay is about the authentic you. Lying or hyperbolizing to make yourself sound better will not only make your essay—and entire application—less genuine, but it will also weaken it. More than likely, it will be obvious that you’re exaggerating. Plus, if colleges later find out that you haven’t been truthful in any part of your application, it’s grounds for revoking your acceptance or even expulsion if you’ve already matriculated. 

10. Avoid cliches 

How the COVID-19 pandemic changed your life. A sports victory as a metaphor for your journey. How a pet death altered your entire outlook. Admissions officers have seen more essays on these topics than they can possibly count. Unless you have a truly unique angle, then it’s in your best interest to avoid them. Learn which topics are cliche and how to fix them . 

11. Proofread 

This is a critical step. Even a small error can break your essay, however amazing it is otherwise. Make sure you read it over carefully, and get another set of eyes (or two or three other sets of eyes), just in case.

12. Abstain from using AI

There are a handful of good reasons to avoid using artificial intelligence (AI) to write your college essay. Most importantly, it’s dishonest and likely to be not very good; AI-generated essays are generally formulaic, generic, and boring—everything you’re trying to avoid being.   The purpose of the college essay is to share what makes you unique and highlight your personal experiences and perspectives, something that AI can’t capture.

13. Use parents as advisors, not editors

The voice of an adult is different from that of a high schooler and admissions committees are experts at spotting the writing of parents. Parents can play a valuable role in creating your college essay—advising, proofreading, and providing encouragement during those stressful moments. However, they should not write or edit your college essay with their words.

14. Have a hook

Admissions committees have a lot of essays to read and getting their attention is essential for standing out among a crowded field of applicants. A great hook captures your reader’s imagination and encourages them to keep reading your essay. Start strong, first impressions are everything!

15. Give them something to remember

The ending of your college essay is just as important as the beginning. Give your reader something to remember by composing an engaging and punchy paragraph or line—called a kicker in journalism—that ties everything you’ve written above together.

Where to Get Free Feedback on Your College Essay 

Before you send off your application, make sure you get feedback from a trusted source on your essay. CollegeVine’s free peer essay review will give you the support you need to ensure you’ve effectively presented your personality and accomplishments. Our expert essay review pairs you with an advisor to help you refine your writing, submit your best work, and boost your chances of getting into your dream school. Find the right advisor for you and get started on honing a winning essay.

Related CollegeVine Blog Posts

Essay About Yourself Students and Children

500+ words essay about yourself.

 To know yourself is a valuable ability. Every human on Earth must understand himself. Not understanding oneself is certainly painful. A person who doesn’t know himself is bound for failure. This is because he does not know his strengths and weaknesses. This lack of clarity can make life difficult for anyone. Hence, I have made the decision not to make this mistake. Keeping this in mind, I present this article exploring myself.

My Philosophy of Life

I believe in the Gandhian philosophy of life. Above all, Mahatma Gandhi is the role model of my life. I strongly believe in the values of non-violence taught by him. Also, I hate violence against animals. I despise criminals who commit evil. No one has the right to hurt any living person. No human has provided more peaceful values than Mahatma Gandhi .

I strongly believe in Gandhi’s philosophy of boycotting enemies. This is probably the best way of dealing with enemies. Mahatma Gandhi led the boycott of British products and services. This certainly led to a significant loss in British profits. Similarly, I also deal with the people I don’t like. I cut off all contact with people I dislike. Furthermore, this is a non-violent way of dealing with the situation. Also, this method gives me peace of mind. Consequently, the other party gets frustrated and often ends the dispute.

I am a firm believer in Mahatma Gandhi’s value of honesty. We may have often heard the phrase “ honesty is the best policy ”. However, Gandhiji was the one to actually practice it. Once, Mahatma Gandhi stole something from his father. Then he began to regret that action. So, Gandhiji made confession of it to his father in a letter. This certainly requires extraordinary courage to do it. I try to follow this Gandhian aspect of life. Whenever I am wrong, I confess it to my parents. I don’t believe in hiding my sins and mistakes.

Get the huge list of more than 500 Essay Topics and Ideas

First of all, cricket is a game which has been my passion since childhood. Above all, I had a preference for bowling rather than batting. My inspiration was legendary fast bowler Brett Lee. He holds the reputation of being one of the fastest bowlers ever. Brett Lee was my inspiration for bowling. Furthermore, I always used to imitate his style of bowling when playing cricket. Also, I love watching live cricket matches on television.

Video Games are my other significant interest. Gaming is my great desire. The majority of my free time, I spent in gaming. I always keep up-to-date track of the latest games in the industry. Most noteworthy, I have a massive collection of high-quality video games. I prefer both console and computer platforms for playing video games. Furthermore, I am almost invincible in most video games.

In conclusion, knowing and understanding oneself is of paramount importance. Above all, my advice would be that everyone must discover themselves. Hence, everyone must come out of the oblivion and clearly define themselves.

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Home / Essay Samples / Life / About Myself / Self-Discovery: Understanding and Knowing Yourself Better

Self-Discovery: Understanding and Knowing Yourself Better

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• Topic: About Myself , Being Yourself , Finding Yourself

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