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The Expectations vs. Reality Trap

Are you being robbed of your happiness?

Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Rachel Goldman, PhD FTOS, is a licensed psychologist, clinical assistant professor, speaker, wellness expert specializing in eating behaviors, stress management, and health behavior change.

What Are Expectations?

How to manage expectations, frequently asked questions.

Expectations are what we think will happen, while reality is what actually transpires. While we hope these two will match up, they often don't. This disparity of expectations vs. reality can often lead to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness.

This article explores how expectations can lead to feelings of disappointment when reality does not measure up. It also covers some of the strategies you can use to manage your expectations.

Expectations refer to the beliefs that you hold about the outcomes of events. While these expectations can play an important role in determining what happens and can contribute to goal-directed behavior, they can also lead to disappointment when reality does not match up to what you had hoped would happen.

Some of the common signs that you might hold expectations include:

• Anticipating a certain outcome
• Holding a vision in your mind of how things will play out
• Having a set idea of what you want or need from a situation

When expectations are not met, it can lead to feelings of disappointment, frustration, and even anger.

In some cases, people might become so attached to their expectations that they are unable to see the reality of a situation. This can prevent them from taking action or making decisions that would be in their best interest .

Research shows that people are surprisingly inept at predicting how they will feel in various situations. For example, one study found that newlywed couples tended to estimate that their happiness levels would rise (or at least stay the same) over the four-year period after marriage. In reality, their levels of happiness tended to diminish over that time period.

People are surprisingly bad at predicting what will make them happy. This means that your expectations might cause you to think that achieving certain goals will bring joy and contentment, but because these predictions are often wrong, you might pursue the wrong goals.

The Charles Dickens novel "Great Expectations" lays out the problem with expectations. The main character, Pip, inherits money from a secret benefactor. He views this fortune as a stepping stone to marrying the girl of his dreams.

When he ultimately learns that the money was not necessarily part of that larger plan, he realizes that he had taken for granted so many important relationships and gifts in his life. His expectations had robbed him of fully appreciating his reality.

Expectations Can Reduce Gratitude

When your expectations outpace reality, it often means you don't appreciate what you do have. Instead, you may find yourself expecting more or comparing what you do have to what you could have.

For example, one study found that participants who were exposed to a subliminal reminder of wealth spent less time savoring a chocolate bar and exhibited less enjoyment of the experience than other subjects who weren't reminded of wealth.

Gratitude is all about appreciating what you have instead of lamenting what you don't. Research has found that practicing gratitude and working actively to savor the moment can have a positive effect on subjective well-being and happiness.

Expectations May Not Be Realistic

Finally, your expectations can get the better of you when you expect more than what is realistic in a given situation. You might expect your partner to live up to what you see in romance films, your job to be an idealized version you dreamed about as a child, or even your life to match what you see on Instagram.

Expectations can create significant stress when they don't match up with reality. Also, consider how social media can greatly contribute to this. You compare our own worst moments (those not deemed to be shareable online) to others' best moments, which very often are filtered to seem perfect.

You may not even realize this mismatched comparison. This may be part of why those who spend more time on social media tend to be less happy .

Your expectations for your life may be unrealistic and skewed based on what you think others have. Remember that your perspective of others is limited and biased.

Learning how to manage your expectation can be helpful when you are trying to avoid the expectations vs. reality trap. It's important to take a deeper look into how your expectations stack up to reality (and how your mood is affected because of this).

Become Aware of Your Expectations

Start by assessing your expectations in a situation. If you'd like to get out of the expectations vs. reality trap, it all comes down to awareness. Becoming aware of what you are expecting is a great start. Becoming aware of what you "should" be expecting is also a wise idea.

• When you go into a new situation, ask yourself what you expect to happen. 
• Ask yourself if your expectations should be this way. Where did these expectations come from and are they realistic?
• When you feel disappointed, try to think about whether it was realistic to expect what you were hoping for. (If so, make a plan for getting what you want next time. If not, think about how you could manage your expectations.)

Practice Gratitude

When you find that what is happening is not what you expected, actively look for the positives in what you have. You may find that once you get over the disappointment, you have something you didn't initially realize you wanted. This helps you to be more appreciative of what you have.

Spend a few moments each day thinking about something you are grateful for. Or consider writing in a gratitude journal .

Don't Make Comparisons

When you see others' posts on social media and decide that you want what you see, remind yourself that this may not be reality. It's great to know what direction you want things to go in, but don't forget that what you see isn't necessarily what others are actually living.

Consider What Really Makes You Happy

You may be overestimating how happy you would be once you have what you think you want. For instance, if you work a job you hate to save enough to buy an expensive car or nice clothes, you may find that your happiness is not very long-lasting.

Truly savor what you have. It's okay to want more, but you can enjoy life so much more if you appreciate what you already have. Savoring what you have is a great way to expand the joy you experience in life.

Practice Emotional Acceptance

Don't beat yourself up for feeling disappointed. Instead of trying to deny or suppress negative emotions like disappointment or jealousy, work on accepting these emotions as they are.

However, try comparing yourself to others who have less, not more. Or better yet, try not to compare yourself to others in general. The only person you should be competing with is you.

A Word From Verywell

Ultimately, striving for more can lead you to work your hardest and do your best. At the same time, it can also rob you of joy, especially when you expect things to come more easily than they do or in a different way. Becoming more aware of your expectations and how they change your feelings toward your own reality can free you from disappointment and stress that comes from unrealistic expectations.

It is important to be aware of your expectations in order to manage them. Start by being honest with yourself about what you expect from the relationship. Then communicate your expectations to your partner.

Discussing what you both want is important and gives you a place to start negotiating and compromising on expectations. Finally, remember to be flexible and willing to adapt as your relationship (and your expectations) evolve.

You can manage your expectations in the workplace by regularly checking in with yourself and setting realistic and achievable goals. Remind yourself that no situation is perfect and other people are also flawed and prone to making mistakes. 

If you find that your expectations are not being met, it is important to take a step back and assess the situation. Try to understand why it happened and what you can do differently in the future. Remember that expectations are just beliefs—they are not always reality.

Lavner JA, Karney BR, Bradbury TN. Newlyweds' optimistic forecasts of their marriage: for better or for worse? . J Fam Psychol . 2013;27(4):531-40. doi:10.1037/a0033423

Colombo D, Fernández-Álvarez J, Suso-Ribera C, et al. Biased affective forecasting: A potential mechanism that enhances resilience and well-being .  Front Psychol . 2020;11:1333. doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2020.01333

Quoidbach J, Dunn EW, Petrides KV, Mikolajczak M. Money giveth, money taketh away: the dual effect of wealth on happiness . Psychol Sci . 2010;21(6):759-63. doi:10.1177/0956797610371963

Salces-Cubero IM, Ramírez-Fernández E, Ortega-Martínez AR.  Strengths in older adults: differential effect of savoring, gratitude and optimism on well-being .  Aging Mental Health . 2019;23(8):1017-1024. doi:10.1080/13607863.2018.1471585

Twenge JM. More time on technology, less happiness? Associations between digital-media use and psychological well-being .  Curr Dir Psych Sci. 2019;28(4):372–379. doi:10.1177/0963721419838244

By Elizabeth Scott, PhD Elizabeth Scott, PhD is an author, workshop leader, educator, and award-winning blogger on stress management, positive psychology, relationships, and emotional wellbeing.

Expectations vs. Reality: How to Bridge the Gap

Table of Contents

Introduction

Expectations and reality often diverge, leaving people disappointed and disillusioned. Unmet expectations can negatively impact relationships, career success, and life satisfaction. This article explores techniques for aligning expectations with probable realities in major life domains.

Key Differences Between Expectations and Reality

How expectations affect wellbeing.

When reality falls short of expectations, common consequences include:

• Disappointment, frustration, resentment
• Reduced self-esteem and sense of competence
• Strained relationships due to misplaced blame
• Anxiety or depression
• Loss of motivation from perpetual letdowns

Unrealistic expectations set us up for failure and prevent us from making the most of reality. Aligned expectations, on the other hand, prepare us to capitalize on opportunities.

Aligning Expectations in Different Life Domains

Aligning expectations requires an accurate appraisal of external conditions and internal capabilities. Key areas to cultivate realistic expectations include:

Personal Abilities

Assessing abilities objectively, without ego or false modesty, allows for setting growth-oriented goals.

Techniques:

• Take skills/ability assessments
• Review past performances to identify strengths and weaknesses
• Get candid feedback from others
• Recognize natural aptitudes and limitations

Career Advancement

Career ladder climbing often entails lateral moves, skill building, and compromise.

• Learn about typical career timelines in your industry
• Focus on acquiring skills needed for the next step
• Be willing to take detours on the path
• Seek mentorship from experienced professionals

Relationships

Balancing ideals with imperfect human needs helps relationships exceed “good enough” expectations.

• Discuss mutual relationship expectations frequently.
• Focus on whether core needs are met.
• Allow room for growth and mistakes.
• Compromise when expectations conflict

Personal Habits

Change comes through small, incremental improvements sustained over time.

• Break desired habits into the smallest action steps.
• Implement one step at a time
• Expect occasional backsliding
• Celebrate small successes

Budgets based on true expenses and income avoid shortfalls.

• Track spending to inform savings goals
• Build emergency funds for surprise expenses
• Automate savings contributions
• Review insurance deductibles and coverage gaps

Physical Appearance

Accepting natural looks reduces fixation on impossible beauty standards.

• Assess which aspects are within control
• Focus on health and self-care rather than comparison
• Manage social media consumption
• Challenge narrow beauty ideals

Life in General

Viewing life’s ups and downs as normal improves coping and resilience.

• Study biographies and history to understand common life patterns
• Collect positive role models who overcame adversity
• Maintain a gratitude journal during setbacks.
• Seek progress rather than perfection

The Benefits of Aligning Expectations

Calibrating expectations is empowering because it:

• Focuses efforts on what’s controllable
• Provides an accurate game plan and gauges realistic timelines
• Reduces frustration from inevitable hurdles
• Ensures efforts match abilities and circumstances
• Allows appreciating victories that do happen
• Maximizes satisfaction and well-being despite imperfect conditions

Rather than stagnating in disappointment over life’s intractable realities, aligning expectations propels us to make the most of them. We can calibrate expectations across all facets with discipline and practice, from the deeply personal to the widely shared. The payoff is enjoying successes once invisible behind the veil of unrealistic expectations.

Still Hopeful, But Ready for Reality

Aligning expectations with reality does not mean abandoning hopes and dreams. High hopes can flourish alongside grounded expectations. The key is distinguishing hopes and dreams from expectations.

Hopes and dreams represent the life we aspire to, full of rich meaning and contribution. They include big and small wishes – from impacting the world to learning a new skill.

Expectations should represent the outcomes we can reasonably count on based on current circumstances and abilities. Expectations are the stepping stones toward hopes and dreams.

By differentiating the two, we can protect our hopes while equipping ourselves with reality. When hopes and expectations blur together, it sets up disappointment. But when held separately, it hopes to energize us to take on reality tests.

Left unchecked, expectations often snowball beyond reality’s reach, regularly disappointing us. But with diligent calibration, we can align expectations with probable realities. This focuses efforts on the controllable while allowing appreciation of life’s gifts. With aligned expectations, we are neither blinded by unfounded optimism nor resigned to limiting despair. We retain high hopes for the future while grounded enough to make the most of the present.

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“Reality” is constructed by your brain. Here’s what that means, and why it matters.

Fix your gaze on the black dot on the left side of this image. But wait! Finish reading this paragraph first. As you gaze at the left dot, try to answer this question: In what direction is the object on the right moving? Is it drifting diagonally, or is it moving up and down?

Remember, focus on the dot on the left.

It appears as though the object on the right is moving diagonally, up to the right and then back down to the left. Right?  Right?!  Actually, it’s not. It’s moving up and down in a straight, vertical line.

See for yourself. Trace it with your finger.

This is a visual illusion. That alternating black-white patch inside the object suggests diagonal motion and confuses our senses. Like all misperceptions, it teaches us that our experience of reality is not perfect. But this particular illusion has recently reinforced scientists’ understanding of deeper, almost philosophical truths about the nature of our consciousness. “It’s really important to understand we’re not seeing reality,” says neuroscientist Patrick Cavanagh, a research professor at Dartmouth College and a senior fellow at Glendon College in Canada. “We’re seeing a story that’s being created for us.”

Most of the time, the story our brains generate matches the real, physical world — but not always. Our brains also unconsciously bend our perception of reality to meet our desires or expectations. And they fill in gaps using our past experiences.

All of this can bias us. Visual illusions present clear and interesting challenges for how we live: How do we know what’s real? And once we know the extent of our brain’s limits, how do we live with more humility — and think with greater care about our perceptions?

Rather than showing us how our brains are broken, illusions give us the chance to reveal how they work. And how do they work? Well, as the owner of a human brain, I have to say it’s making me a little uneasy.

Where the conflict between perception and reality lies in the brain

My colleague Sigal Samuel recently explored the  neuroscience of meditation . During her reporting, she found good evidence that a regular meditation practice is associated with increased compassion. That evidence, she writes, “feel[s] like a challenge, even a dare. If it takes such a small amount of time and effort to get better at regulating my emotions ... am I not morally obligated to do it?”

Perception science, for me, provokes a similar question. If the science tells us our brains are making up a “story” about reality, shouldn’t we be curious about, and even seek out the answers to, how that reality might be wrong?

It’s not about doubting everything that comes through our senses. It’s about looking for our blind spots, with the goal of becoming better thinkers. It can also help with empathy. When other people misperceive reality, we may not agree with their interpretation, but we can understand where it comes from.

To approach this challenge, I think it helps to know that the brain is telling us stories about the smallest things we perceive, like the motion of objects. But it also tells us stories about some of the most complex things we think about, creating assumptions about people based on race, among other social prejudices.

Let’s start with the small.

In 2019, Cavanagh and his colleagues Sirui Liu, Qing Yu, and Peter Tse used the above “double drift” illusion of the two dots to probe how our brains generate the illusory diagonal motion. To figure this out, Cavanagh and his colleagues ran a neuroimaging study that compared how a brain processes the illusory animation with how it processes a similar, non-illusory animation. In this second animation, the object on the right really is moving diagonally. Trace it with your finger again.

With  fMRI neuroimaging , which allows researchers to map brain activity, Cavanagh and his team could ask the question: If we perceive each animation similarly, what in our brains makes that happen? What’s the source of the illusion in the first animation? “We want to find where the conscious perception diverges from the physical sensation,” Cavanagh says.

One possibility is that the illusion is generated in the visual cortex. Located at the back of your head, this is the part of your brain that directly processes the information coming from your eyes. Maybe the visual system “sees” it wrong. The alternative is that the visual system “sees” it just fine, but some other part of the brain overrides it, creating a new reality.

The experiment included only nine participants but collected a lot of data on each of them. Each participant completed the experiment (and was run through the brain scan) 10 times.

Here’s what the analysis found. That visual system in the back of the brain? It doesn’t seem fooled by the illusion. Each animation produces a different pattern of activation in the visual cortex. In other words, “the visual system thinks they are different,” Cavanagh says.

Okay, the visual system correctly “sees” these two animations differently. Then why do we perceive them as being the same?

The patterns of activation in the frontal lobes of the participants’ brains — the higher-level thinking area dedicated to anticipation and decision-making — were similar. That is: The front of the brain thinks both animations are traveling in a diagonal direction.

“There’s a whole world of visual analysis and computation and prediction that is happening outside of the visual system, happening in the frontal lobes,” Cavanagh says. That’s where the “story” of reality is constructed — at least in this one example, as evidenced by this one small study. (To be sure: Vision is a vastly complex system involving  around  30 areas of the brain. There are other illusions that  do seem to “fool” the visual cortex , because no story about the brain can be simple.)

But you don’t need an fMRI to conclude that some part of your brain is overriding the plain truth about the path of the object. You can see it for yourself. “The remarkable thing is that — even when you are told what is happening — you still see it in the illusory form,” Justin Gardner, a Stanford University neuroscientist who wasn’t involved in this study, said in an email. “You can’t seem to consciously override the ‘wrong’ interpretation.”

The lesson: The stories our brains tell us about reality are extremely compelling, even when they are wrong.

We’re not seeing reality. Our vision runs 100 milliseconds behind the real world.

Why are we seeing a story about the world —  a story  — and not the real deal? It’s not because evolution made our minds flawed. It’s actually an adaptation.

“We don’t have the necessary machinery, and we wouldn’t even want it, to process carefully all of the amount of information that we’re constantly bombarded with,” says Susana Martinez-Conde, a neuroscientist and illusion researcher at SUNY Downstate Medical Center.

Think about what it takes to perceive something move, like the objects in the above animations. Once light hits the retinas at the back of our eyeballs, it’s converted into an electrical signal that then has to travel to the visual processing system at the back of our brains. From there, the signal travels forward through our brains, constructing what we see and creating our perception of it. This process just takes time.

“The dirty little secret about sensory systems is that they’re slow, they’re lagged, they’re not about what’s happening right now but what’s happening 50 milliseconds ago, or, in the case for vision, hundreds of milliseconds ago,” says Adam Hantman, a neuroscientist at Howard Hughes Medical Institute’s Janelia Research Campus.

If we relied solely on this outdated information, though, we wouldn’t be able to hit baseballs with bats, or swat annoying flies away from our faces. We’d be less coordinated, and possibly get hurt more often.

So the brain predicts the path of motion before it happens. It tells us a story about where the object is heading, and this story becomes our reality. That’s what’s likely happening with Cavanagh’s illusion. It happens all the time.

Don’t believe it? See for yourself. Here’s a simple illusion that reveals our visual system is a bit lagged.

It’s called  the flash-lag illusion . The red dot is moving across the screen, and the green dot flashes  exactly  when the red dot and green dot are in perfect vertical alignment. Yet it’s incredibly hard to see the red dot and the green dot as being vertically aligned. The red dot always seems a little bit farther ahead.

This is our brain predicting the path of its motion, telling us a story about where it ought to be and not where it is. “For moving things — we see them ahead on their path of motion,” Cavanagh explains, “by just enough.” The illusion, he says, “is actually functional. It helps us overcome these delays and see things ... where they will be when we get there.”

In Hantman’s view, what we experience as consciousness is primarily the prediction, not the real-time feed. The actual sensory information, he explains, just serves as error correction. “If you were always using sensory information, errors would accumulate in ways that would lead to quite catastrophic effects on your motor control,” Hantman says. Our brains like to predict as much as possible, then use our senses to course-correct when the predictions go wrong.

This is true not only for our perception of motion but also for so much of our conscious experience.

The stories our brain tells are influenced by life experience

The brain tells us a story about the motion of objects. But that’s not the only story it tells. It also tells us stories about more complicated aspects of our visual world, like color.

For some meta-insight, look at the illusion below from Japanese psychologist and artist Akiyoshi Kitaoka. You can observe your own brain, in real time, change its guess about the color of the moving square. Keep in mind that the physical color of the square is not changing. You might look at this illusion and feel like your brain is broken (I did when I first saw it). It is not. It just reveals that our perception of color isn’t absolute.

Akiyoshi Kitaoka@AkiyoshiKitaoka     A moving square appears to change in color, though the color is constant.  

Color is an inference we make, and it serves a purpose to make meaningful decisions about objects in the world. But if our eyes acted as scientific instruments describing precise wavelengths of light, they’d constantly be fooled. Red may not appear red when bathed in blue light.

Our brains try to account for this. “We’re not trying to measure wavelengths, we’re trying to tell something about the color,” Sam Schwarzkopf, a vision scientist at the University of Auckland, says. “And the color is an illusion created by our brain.”

When we think an object is being bathed in blue light, we can filter out that blue light intuitively. That’s how many of these color illusions work. We use surrounding color cues and assumptions about lighting to guess an object’s true color. Sometimes those guesses are wrong, and sometimes we make different assumptions from others. Neuroscientists have some intriguing new insights into why our perceptions can diverge from one another.

You remember  The Dress , yes?

In 2015, a bad cellphone photo of a dress in a UK store divided people across the internet. Some see this dress as blue and black; others see it as white and gold. Pascal Wallisch, a neuroscientist at New York University,  believes he’s figured out  the difference between those two groups of people.

Wallisch’s hypothesis is that people make different assumptions about the quality of light that’s being cast on the dress. Is it in bright daylight? Or under an indoor light bulb? By unconsciously filtering out the color of light we think is falling on an object, we come to a judgment about its color.

Wallisch believes people who see this image differently are using different filtering schemes. Most interestingly, he suggests that life experience leads you to see the dress one way or the other.His  study of 13,000 people  in an online survey found a correlation that at first seems odd. The time you naturally like to go to sleep and wake up — called a chronotype — was correlated with dress perception. Night owls, or people who like to go to bed really late and wake up later in the morning, are more likely to see the dress as black and blue. Larks, a.k.a. early risers, are more likely to see it as white and gold. What’s going on?

Wallisch believes the correlation is rooted in the life experience of being either a lark or a night owl. Larks, he hypothesizes, spend more time in daylight than night owls. They’re more familiar with it. So when confronted with an ill-lit image like the dress, they are more likely to assume it is being bathed in bright sunlight, which has a lot of blue in it, Wallisch points out. As a result, their brains filter it out. “If you assume it’s daylight, you will see it as white and gold. Because if you subtract blue, yellow is left,” he says.

Night owls, he thinks, are more likely to assume the dress is under artificial lighting, and filtering that out makes the dress appear black and blue. (The chronotype measure, he admits, is a little crude: Ideally, he’d want to estimate a person’s lifetime exposure to daylight.)

Has Wallisch solved the mystery of The Dress?

“The owls versus lark data seems quite compelling for explaining a large part of the individual differences,” Schwarzkopf says. But not all of it. “There are still lots of other factors that must have a strong influence here. It could be prior experience with the subject matter, or related to other aspects of people’s personality,” he says. “Yes, the dress continues to mystify.”

The mystery isn’t totally solved, but the lesson remains: When confronted with ambiguity — like the odd lighting in the photo of The Dress — our brains fill in the ambiguity using whatever we’re most familiar with. “People assume what they see more of,” Wallisch says. If we’re more familiar with bright, sunny light, we assume that’s the default lighting.

But we have no way of knowing how our experiences guide our perception. “Your brain makes a lot of unconscious inferences, and it doesn’t tell you that it’s an inference,” he explains. “You see whatever you see. Your brain doesn’t tell you, ‘I took into account how much daylight I’ve seen in my life.’”

Wallisch says the disagreements around The Dress, as well as other viral illusions like  Yanny and Laurel , arise because our brains are filling in the uncertainties of these stimuli with different prior experiences. We bring our life histories to these small perceptions.

It’s believed another textbook illusion, the Kanizsa triangle, works a bit like this, too. In this illusion, the Pac-Man-like shapes give the impression of a triangle in our minds. It seems like a triangle is there because we’re used to seeing triangles. We only need the suggestion of one — implied via the corners — to fill in the rest of the picture with our minds.

In 2003, the journal  Nature Neuroscience  published  an article on the case of a man (called “Patient MM”) who lost his vision at age 3 and had it restored by surgical intervention in his 40s. In a study, he didn’t fall for an illusion like this one. He couldn’t see the illusory triangle (in the case of that experiment, it was a square). It may be that a lifetime of looking at triangles is what makes the rest of us see one so plainly in this image. Patient MM didn’t build up a lifetime’s worth of visual experiences to make predictions about what he saw. He had to build them from scratch.

More than two years after his operation, Patient MM  told  researchers, “The difference between today and over two years ago is that I can better guess at what I am seeing. What is the same is that I am still guessing.”

Gavin Buckingham@DrGBuckingham     The horizontal lines are actually parallel, and not at all slanted. Look at the distance between them at the start and end of each row if you don't believe it. Wonderful version of the cafe wall illusion, by Victoria Skye.  

Some of these examples may seem frivolous. Why does it matter that one person sees a dress as black and blue and another sees it as white and gold?

It matters because scientists believe the same basic processes underlie many of our more complicated perceptions and thoughts. Neuroscience, then, can help explain stubborn polarization in our culture and politics, and why we’re so prone to motivated reasoning.

Sometimes, especially when the information we’re receiving is unclear, we see what we want to see. In the past, researchers have found that even slight rewards can change the way people perceive objects. Take this classic image used in psychological studies. What do you see?

It’s either a horse or a seal, and in  2006 , psychologists Emily Balcetis and David Dunning showed they could motivate study participants to see one or the other. In one experiment, the participants played a game wherein they had to keep track of animals they saw on screen. If they saw farm animals, they’d get points. If they saw sea creatures, they’d lose points. In the end, a high score meant getting a candy treat (desirable!), and a low score meant they’d eat canned beans (kind of weird).

The very last thing the participants saw was the above image. If seeing the horse meant they’d win and get the candy, they’d see the horse.

In  a more complex example , Balcetis has found that when she tells study participants to pay attention to either an officer or a civilian in a video of a police altercation, it can change their perception of what happened (depending on their prior experience with law enforcement and the person in the video with whom they more closely identified). “That instruction changes what their eyes do,” Balcetis told me last summer. “And it leads them to a different understanding of the nature of the altercation.”

You can’t completely remove bias from the brain. “You can’t change the fact that we’ve all grown up in different worlds,” Balcetis said. But you can encourage people to listen to other perspectives and be curious about the veracity of their own.

The neuroscientists I spoke to said the big principles that underlie how our brains process what we see also underlie most of our thinking. Illusions are “the basis of superstition, the basis of magical thinking,” Martinez-Conde says. “It’s the basis for a lot of erroneous beliefs. We’re very uncomfortable with uncertainty. The ambiguity is going to be resolved one way or another, and sometimes in a way that does not match reality.”

Just as we can look at an image and see things that aren’t really there, we can look out into the world with skewed perceptions of reality. Political scientists and psychologists have long documented how political partisans  perceive the facts of current events  differently depending on their political beliefs. The illusions and political thinking don’t involve the same brain processes, but they follow the similar overarching way the brain works.

In a way, you can think of  bias  as a social illusion. Studies find that  many people  perceive black men to be bigger (and, therefore, potentially more threatening)  than they actually are , or generally  associate  darker skin tones and  certain facial features  with criminality. Cops can  confuse people removing wallets  from their pockets with people reaching for guns, often with tragic consequences. This isn’t to say that all instances of prejudice are mindless — many are  enacted with clear malignant intention , but they can also be built from years of experience in an unjust society or as the result of systemic racism.

Our brains work hard to bend reality to meet our prior experiences, our emotions, and our discomfort with uncertainty. This happens with vision. But it also happens with more complicated processes, like thinking about politics, the  pandemic , or the reality of climate change.

Wallisch has come up with a name for phenomena like The Dress that generate divergent perceptions based on our personal characteristics. He calls it “SURFPAD.” Spelled out, it’s an absolute mouthful: Substantial Uncertainty combined with Ramified or Forked Priors and Assumptions yields Disagreement. (Let’s stick with SURFPAD.) Simply, SURFPAD is a consequence of bias, or motivated perception. When an image, event, or some other stimulus isn’t perfectly clear, we fill in the gaps with our priors, or presumptions. And because we have different priors, that leads to disagreement about the image or event in question. Wallisch sees it everywhere in society.

I recently tweeted some frustration over how mass protests against police brutality might be perceived if it seems as though they led to increased Covid-19 cases.

Brian Resnick   ✔@B_resnick     Prediction: In a few weeks, there will be endless argument among know-it-all types on Twitter and TV about what led to rising Covid cases. No one will have the right data. It will bring out the worst in everyone. And it will... just... completely... suck.   29 11:13 AM - Jun 7, 2020 Twitter Ads info and privacy

“If there is a spike, it will be hard to discern whether it was reopening or protests, so people will go with their prior,” Wallisch replied. “As the priors are different, there will be massive disagreement. ... What’s truly terrifying is that given this framework, no matter what happens, [people] will feel vindicated, reinforcing the strength of the prior and increasing polarization.”

Later, I emailed him and asked whether his inclination to see SURFPAD in these current events was just an instance of his own priors (that SURFPAD is a real and influential phenomenon) coloring his perception.

“Of course,” he says. “It’s SURFPAD all the way down.”

Neuroscience is deeply humbling

I don’t want people to read this and think we can’t believe our eyes, or we can’t incorporate evidence into our thinking. We can seek out verified sources of information. We can turn to expertise and also earnestly question it. (Don’t let people gaslight you, either — another phenomenon that preys on the brain’s tendency  to generate illusory thoughts .)

Instead, the illusions and the science behind them raise a question: How do we go about our lives knowing our experiences might be a bit wrong?

There’s no one answer. And it’s a problem we’re unlikely to solve individually. I’d suggest that it should nudge us to be  more intellectually humble  and to cultivate a habit of seeking out perspectives that are not our own. We should be curious about our imperfections, as that curiosity may lead us closer to the truth. We can build cultures and institutions that celebrate humility and reduce the social cost for saying, “ I was wrong .”

This isn’t easy. Our psychology makes it hard. “We have this naive realism that the way we see the world is the way that it really is,” Balcetis  told me last year . Naive realism is the feeling that our perception of the world reflects the truth.

But illusions remind us it does not. This is why illusions aren’t just science — they’re provocative art. They force us to reinterpret our senses, and our sense of being in the world. They tell us about the true nature of how our brains work: The same neurological machinery that leads us to discover the truth can lead us to perceive illusions, and our brains don’t always tell us the difference.

Navigating this is the challenge of being a living, thinking person. But simply acknowledging it and trying to put it into practice is a good place to start.

I know I will try to keep remembering that reality always seems real. Even when I mess it up.

Reality vs Expectation: 5 Steps to Self Awareness

Fostering Resilience for Loss and Irrelevance pp 147–166 Cite as

Expectations Versus Reality: A Humanistic and Practical Perspective

• Eric A. Kreuter 2 &
• Kenneth M. Moltner Esq.  
• First Online: 01 January 2012

848 Accesses

Expectations, explicit or implicit, are pervasive, confronting us in almost every area of life. Depending on how meaningful the expectation, the failure to satisfy it can cause the feeling of loss of relevancy; in other words, the chasm between expectation and reality is important to defining our feelings of loss of relevancy. Expectations are conclusions that we ourselves draw and are largely based on our history of experiences as well as our dreams and fears. Reality measures expectations with hindsight. Society is constantly trying to establish our expectations and they dominate in the political and entertainment spheres. Expectation of the norm, implicit acceptance without consciously acknowledging or confronting an expectation, provides comfort. The feeling of loss of relevancy created by the gap between a person’s expectation and her reality can manifest itself in many ways, such as a knot in the pit of one’s stomach. Our expectations are influenced by numerous factors, including the past experiences that we choose to bring to bear in a particular situation, the outside influences we choose to accept or internalize, compared to those that we reject, emotions-anger, feat-suppression, and our moral compass. How much one’s expectation is based in reality, and how important that expectation is to the person, is proportional to the feeling of loss of relevancy if the expectation is not met. The extent to which we perceive that an expectation is based in reality is the foundation upon which the difference between expectation and reality, and thus the resulting feelings of loss of relevancy and frustration, is based.

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Expectation vs. Reality

Expectation vs reality. It’s a matter of what we think we see or what we want to see. It’s what we expect to see versus what we really see.

I walked in my kitchen to throw away some trash, and I stopped in my tracks. There it was. A HUGE, TERRIFYING…bug?

I know myself well enough by now (thank goodness) that I no longer jump back in sheer terror if I THINK I see a bug. Since I wasn’t wearing my glasses or contacts when I walked into the kitchen, I knew I had a 50/50 chance of getting freaked out over nothing .

I paused, turned around, and grabbed my glasses. That felt a little more sensible than immediately jumping back and calling an exterminator.

The mysterious object looked like a big, motionless ant once I got a clearer look. I thought it was some strangely-shaped spider threatening to hold me up while I emptied my trash.

Our minds can easily paint an exaggerated picture (cue the giant imaginary bug). Or, we can learn to be patient, wait until we have ALL the information (in this case putting my glasses on) to see everything clearly, and then understand the situation to make a rational judgment.

Expectation vs reality can also mean we expect or even go as far to assume a certain outcome will happen. In reality, the situation might go in a completely different direction than what we thought.

Expectation vs Reality

According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, “expect” means to anticipate an occurrence, to consider it probable, and to consider it reasonable. However, we may not always be reasonable with our expectations!

“Reality” is “…the state of things as they actually exist, as opposed to an idealistic or notional idea of them.” Reality either affirms an expectation depending on how reasonable it is, or reality laughs in expectation’s face.

“(500) Days of Summer” provides a creative presentation of the expectation vs reality concept. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays Tom, a hopeless romantic. Zooey Deschanel plays Summer, a not-so-romantic at first.

We get a side by side look at Tom’s expectations and realities when at Summer’s party. He expects to have a great time with her and to be romantic with her. Tom also expects Summer to greet him warmly and spend some quality time with her. But reality quickly kicks in.

Summer welcomes him as an acquaintance, like she would welcome any other guest at the party. Tom and Summer don’t chat alone. They don’t share romantic moments at the party, and unfortunately Tom’s expectations are shattered by a harsh reality.

Expectation vs reality can be tricky. We should set realistic expectations so we’re not disappointed if it doesn’t work out. We should also take a step back if it’s a situation like the mysterious kitchen fuzz. Evaluate the situation before we react. Set realistic expectations. Don’t worry or make something out of nothing, and learn to laugh about it!

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Expectations vs Reality: A Guide to Managing Disappointment

We all have expectations in life, whether they are related to our personal or professional lives. Yet, as we go through life, we often find that reality doesn't always align with our expectations. This can lead to disappointment, frustration, and even depression.

Managing expectations vs reality is an important skill that can help us stay grounded and maintain a positive mindset. By understanding the factors that contribute to unrealistic expectations, we can learn to adjust our expectations, set more realistic goals, and appreciate the reality of our situations.

In this article, you'll learn practical strategies for managing expectations vs reality in all aspects of your life. From relationships to work, this article will provide actionable advice that will help you stay positive and find balance in a world that often falls short of our expectations.

Understanding Expectations and Reality

In life, we often create expectations based on various factors, such as personal desires, societal influences, and cultural norms.

Expectations can be seen as a set of beliefs or hopes about how things will unfold in the future. However, it is important to recognise that expectations can sometimes differ greatly from reality.

Let's explore the concept of expectation vs reality , focusing on romantic relationships, personal life expectations, and the consequences of unrealistic expectations.

Defining expectations and reality

Expectations can be understood as the anticipations or assumptions we have about certain situations, people, or events.

They are often shaped by our desires, beliefs, and past experiences. On the other hand, reality refers to the actual circumstances, outcomes, or experiences that occur in the present moment. It is the tangible and unfiltered truth of what happens.

When it comes to the concept of expectations vs reality , it is important to note that expectations are usually based on a set of assumptions that may or may not come true.

Recognising the differences between expectations and reality

One of the key challenges we face is the realisation that expectations and reality can often diverge. We may construct an idealised vision of how something should be, only to find that it falls short in reality.

This disparity can arise for various reasons, including external factors beyond our control, the complexities of human interactions, or our own subjective interpretations.

Expectations vs reality in the context of romantic relationships, individuals often have preconceived notions about their partners or the dynamics of a relationship.

They may form expectations based on societal ideals, media portrayals, or past experiences. However, the reality of a romantic relationship may involve imperfections, conflicts, and compromises.

It is crucial to distinguish between the fantasy of an idealised relationship and the reality of a genuine partnership.

How unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment

Unrealistic expectations can lead to significant disappointment and emotional distress when reality fails to align with them.

When we become too attached to our expectations, we risk setting ourselves up for dissatisfaction. Romantic relationships are particularly susceptible to this phenomenon.

For example, expecting a partner to fulfil all our needs, never make mistakes, or always agree with us can place an immense burden on both individuals.

By creating an imaginary set of boxes of expectations, we unintentionally confine our partners within a cage of expectations. This restricts their autonomy and prevents the relationship from flourishing naturally.

Additionally, unrealistic expectations can strain the emotional well-being of both parties, leading to frustration, resentment, and a breakdown of communication.

In the brand-customer relationship, unrealistic expectations can also have negative consequences. When companies overpromise or misrepresent their products or services, customers may develop unrealistic expectations.

This can result in dissatisfaction, diminished trust, and a damaged brand-customer relationship.

Managing Disappointment

In order to avoid disappointment, it is important to adjust our expectations and embrace reality. Here are some tips for managing unrealistic expectations:

Accepting and acknowledging disappointment

Disappointment is a natural emotional response when our expectations don't align with reality. It's important to acknowledge and accept these feelings without judgement.

Understand that disappointment is a valid emotional experience and allow yourself to fully process it.

Identifying the source of your disappointment

To effectively manage disappointment, it's essential to identify the source or cause of your disappointment.

Reflect on the specific expectation that was not met and examine why it held such significance for you. Was it a result of societal influences, personal desires, or uncommunicated expectations?

In the context of romantic relationships, for instance, your biggest expectation might have been that your partner would always understand and support you. When they don't meet this expectation, it can lead to disappointment.

By recognising the source of your disappointment, you can gain insight into your own attachment to that particular expectation.

Reframing your thoughts and perspective

Once you've identified the source of your disappointment, it's helpful to reframe your thoughts and perspective. Consider the following steps:

• Challenge Unrealistic Expectations : Evaluate whether your expectations were realistic or if they were influenced by societal or subconscious pressures. By acknowledging that expectations can be fluid and subjective, you can reassess and adjust them accordingly.
• Embrace Flexibility : Recognise that life is unpredictable and that things don't always go as planned. Embracing flexibility allows you to adapt to changing circumstances and find alternative solutions or paths forward.
• Focus on the Positives : Shift your focus from what didn't meet your expectations to what positive aspects or opportunities are present in the current situation. By practising gratitude and appreciating the good, you can cultivate a more balanced perspective.

Practising self-compassion and self-care

Managing disappointment requires self-compassion and self-care . Treat yourself with kindness and understanding as you navigate through the gap between expectations and reality.

• Validate Your Feelings : Acknowledge that your disappointment is valid and give yourself permission to feel and process your emotions. Avoid self-blame or harsh self-judgement.
• Seek Support : Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a listening ear and offer support. Sharing your feelings can help alleviate the burden of disappointment and provide you with different perspectives.
• Engage in Self-Care Activities : Take spare time to engage in activities that bring you joy, relaxation, or fulfilment. Engaging in self-care can help rejuvenate your spirits and provide a sense of well-being.
• Set Realistic Boundaries : In both romantic and brand-customer relationships, setting realistic boundaries is crucial. Understand your own needs and communicate them clearly, ensuring that they align with the reality of the situation. This helps manage expectations and foster healthier relationships.

Managing disappointment is an essential skill for navigating the gap between expectations vs reality . By accepting and acknowledging your disappointment, identifying its source, reframing your thoughts, and practising self-compassion and self-care, you can effectively navigate the complexities of unmet expectations.

Setting Realistic Expectations

Setting realistic expectations is a key step in managing disappointment. By understanding your own needs and desires and communicating them clearly, you can ensure that they align with the reality of the situation.

Here are some tips for setting realistic expectations:

Identifying and challenging unrealistic beliefs and expectations

To set realistic expectations, it is crucial to identify and challenge any unrealistic beliefs or expectations that may be influencing your perspective. Consider the following steps:

• Self-Reflection : Take time to reflect on your beliefs and expectations. Are they influenced by societal pressures, personal desires, or unattainable ideals? Question the validity and feasibility of these expectations.
• Evaluate Past Experiences : Examine your past experiences and how they have shaped your expectations. Are there any patterns or recurring themes that may be leading to unrealistic expectations? Recognise the influence of your subconscious expectations.
• Challenge Limiting Beliefs : Identify any limiting beliefs that may be fueling unrealistic expectations. For instance, in a romantic relationship, a common limiting belief might be that your partner should fulfil all your needs. Challenge such beliefs and replace them with more realistic and balanced perspectives.

Setting achievable goals and expectations

Setting achievable goals and expectations is crucial for a healthier and more fulfilling life. Consider the following strategies:

• Prioritise and Plan: Utilise tools like OCCO London's Weekly Planner Pad or Priority Pad to prioritise tasks and set achievable goals. Break down larger goals into smaller, manageable steps to avoid feeling overwhelmed and increase the likelihood of success.
• Consider Time and Resources : Assess the time and resources available to you when setting expectations. Be realistic about what can be accomplished within certain timeframes and with the resources at hand. This applies to both personal and professional endeavours.
• Seek Input and Feedback : Engage in open communication with others, whether it's your romantic partner, colleagues, or friends. Seek their input and feedback when setting expectations. This helps ensure that your goals align with reality and consider different perspectives.

Adjusting expectations based on reality and circumstances

Flexibility and adaptability are key when it comes to adjusting expectations based on reality and circumstances. Consider the following:

• Evaluate Changing Situations: Life is dynamic, and circumstances can change. Regularly evaluate your expectations in light of new information or changes in your situation. Be willing to adjust and adapt as necessary.
• Embrace Uncertainty : Accept that there will be uncertainties in life and that not everything will go according to plan. Embracing the unknown allows you to approach situations with more resilience and openness.
• Practise Self-Compassion: When reality falls short of expectations, be compassionate with yourself. Avoid self-blame or harsh judgement. Instead, focus on learning and growth, and be willing to adjust your expectations without feeling defeated.

Practising gratitude and appreciation

Practising gratitude and appreciation can help shift your focus from unmet expectations to the positives in your life. Consider the following approaches:

• Use Tools : Use tools like OCCO London's Morning Mindset Journal to start your day with gratitude. Reflect on the things you are grateful for and set a positive tone for the day ahead.
• Cultivate a Gratitude Practise : Incorporate a regular gratitude practise into your daily routine. Take time each day to consciously acknowledge and appreciate the blessings, joys, and achievements in your life.
• Focus on the Present Moment : Stay present and mindful, focusing on the here and now. Appreciate the small pleasures and moments of happiness that arise in your daily life.

By setting realistic expectations, adjusting them based on reality, and practising gratitude, you can bridge the gap between expectation and reality.

This approach promotes a healthier mindset, reduces disappointment, and allows for greater contentment and fulfilment in both personal relationships and other areas of life. Remember, life is a journey, and embracing the present moment with realistic expectations can lead to a more rewarding and fulfilling experience.

Communicating Expectations and Reality with Others

It is important to be able to communicate expectations and reality with those around you in order to ensure that everyone is on the same page. Here are some tips for effective communication:

Communicating and managing expectations in relationships

Effective communication is crucial for managing expectations in relationships. Consider the following steps:

Open Dialogue : Initiate open and honest conversations about expectations with your partner or loved ones. Clearly express your needs, desires, and boundaries, and encourage them to do the same. This promotes understanding and reduces the chances of unrealistic or unmet expectations.

• Active Listening : Practise active listening by giving your full attention to the other person and seeking to understand their perspective. Avoid making assumptions and ask clarifying questions to ensure clear communication and mutual understanding.
• Negotiation and Compromise : Recognise that both parties bring their own expectations and realities to the relationship. Find common ground through negotiation and compromise, striving for solutions that work for everyone involved.
• These tips can help you effectively manage expectations and communicate your reality to others in relationships. With practise and patience, you can create a healthier and more fulfilling connection with those around you.

Being honest and transparent about reality and limitations

To foster healthy relationships, it is important to be honest and transparent about the realities and limitations of a situation. Consider the following:

• Self-Awareness : Gain a clear understanding of your own limitations, values, and boundaries. Be honest with yourself and others about what you can realistically offer or accomplish.
• Transparent Communication: Share your limitations and realities openly with others. This helps manage their expectations and fosters trust and understanding.
• Avoid Overpromising: Be cautious about making promises or commitments that you may not be able to fulfil. It is better to underpromise and overdeliver than to create false expectations.

If you practise being honest and transparent about reality and limitations, you can foster healthier relationships and manage expectations more effectively.

Listening and understanding the expectations and realities of others

Effective communication involves not only expressing your own expectations but also listening to and understanding the expectations and realities of others. Consider the following strategies:

• Empathy and Perspective-Taking : Put yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand their perspective. This helps build empathy and promotes a deeper understanding of their expectations and realities.
• Validate Feelings and Experiences : Acknowledge the emotions and experiences shared by the other person. Validate their feelings, even if they differ from your own, to foster an open and supportive environment for communication.
• Ask Questions : Encourage the other person to share their expectations and reality by asking open-ended questions. This allows for a more comprehensive understanding of their viewpoint.

Compromising and finding solutions that work for everyone involved

In any relationship, compromise is essential for bridging the gap between expectations and reality. Consider the following approaches:

Collaborative Problem-Solving : Engage in a collaborative process to find solutions that meet the needs and expectations of all parties involved. Brainstorm together and explore different options until a mutually satisfactory agreement is reached.

Flexibility and Adaptability : Recognise that expectations and circumstances may change over time. Be willing to adjust and adapt your own expectations and find creative solutions that accommodate the evolving realities of the relationship.

Respect and Consideration : Approach discussions with respect and consideration for the other person's needs and desires. Strive for a win-win outcome that honours both parties' expectations as much as possible.

By effectively communicating expectations and reality, being honest and transparent, practising active listening, and finding compromises, you can build healthier and more fulfilling relationships. Remember, healthy communication is the key to managing expectations and creating a foundation of trust and understanding with your loved ones, colleagues, or customers.

Embracing Reality and Finding Joy

At times, it can be difficult to accept reality and manage disappointment. However, it is possible to embrace the present moment and find joy in any situation.

Here are a few tips for embracing reality and finding joy:

Finding the silver lining in disappointment

Despite the frustration that comes with expectations not being met, there is always a silver lining.

Look for the positive aspects of the situation and take time to appreciate them. Try to focus on what went well or what you learned from the experience, and strive to make improvements in the future.

Additionally, try to reframe disappointment as an opportunity for growth and learning.

Embracing new opportunities and possibilities

At the same time, it is important to look for new opportunities and possibilities in order to keep yourself motivated. Even in disappointing times, there may be new and exciting pathways to explore.

Acknowledge that there are still many things in life to be excited about and strive to find them.

Seek out activities that bring joy and cultivate a sense of purpose in your life.

Practising mindfulness and being present in the moment

The practise of mindfulness is an effective tool for managing disappointment when expectations are not met. By being present in the moment and focusing on your breath or body sensations, it is possible to refocus your energy away from expectations and towards acceptance and understanding.

Mindfulness helps cultivate self-awareness, emotional regulation, and resilience—all important skills for managing disappointment.

Focusing on the positives and finding joy in the present moment

It can be difficult to manage disappointment when expectations are not met, but it is important to remember that there is always a silver lining. Taking time to focus on the positives of any situation helps put things into perspective and gives us an opportunity to appreciate what we have in our lives.

It also allows us to reframe disappointment as an opportunity for growth and learning. Additionally, seeking out activities that bring us joy and cultivating a sense of purpose in our real lives can help us stay motivated and embrace new opportunities.

Finally, practising mindfulness can help us be present in the moment and refocus our energy away from boxes of expectation towards acceptance and understanding. By actively managing attachment to expectations and embracing reality, we can find joy in any situation.

After reading the information above, you may still have some questions about managing disappointment when expectations don't match reality. We will answer some of the most common questions in the next section of this blog to help you further understand this concept and handle disappointment in a healthy and balanced way.

Frequently Asked Questions

Here are some commonly asked questions about managing expectations vs reality :

How can we manage our expectations to avoid disappointment?

The key to managing expectations and avoiding disappointment is to set realistic goals that are achievable. Before making any decisions, it’s important to consider the potential risks, challenges, and obstacles involved.

Moreover, it is helpful to be mindful of your own limitations and capabilities in order to set realistic expectations.

It is also important to remember that it is okay to make mistakes and not always meet your expectations.

What are some common reactions to unmet expectations?

Common reactions to unmet expectations can vary depending on the individual and the situation.

Some people may experience feelings of disappointment, frustration, anger, or even guilt when their expectations are not met. Other people may find themselves feeling overwhelmed or discouraged by their perceived failure.

It is important to remember that it is normal to feel these emotions in response to unmet expectations; however, it is important to take steps to manage these emotions in a healthy way.

How can we cope with disappointment when reality doesn't meet our expectations?

When reality fails to meet our expectations, it can be difficult to cope with the resulting disappointment. However, there are some strategies that can help us manage our emotions and move forward in a healthy way.

First, it is important to recognise and acknowledge your feelings of disappointment without judgement. It is okay to feel disappointed when things don't go as planned; try to resist the urge to repress or ignore your feelings.

Second, it is helpful to practise mindfulness and be present in the moment. Focusing on the breath or body sensations can help you refocus energy away from expectations and towards acceptance and understanding.

Finally, remember to focus on the positives and find joy in the present moment. Seek out activities that bring you joy, cultivate a sense of purpose, and keep you motivated.

Is it possible to turn disappointment into a positive experience?

Disappointment can be transformed into a remarkable journey of growth and resilience.

While disappointment can be difficult to cope with, it is important to remember that there are lessons to be learned and opportunities for growth.

When we focus on the positives of any situation, we can start to see the silver linings and recognise how managing expectations can help us become more resilient and better equipped for future challenges.

How can we communicate our expectations effectively to avoid misunderstandings?

Communicating expectations effectively is essential to avoid misunderstandings and disappointment. It is important to be clear about what we expect from ourselves and others so that everyone involved can make informed decisions.

To communicate expectations effectively, it is helpful to be as specific as possible when expressing your thoughts and feelings. Be sure to provide all relevant information, such as the desired outcome or timeline, so that everyone involved understands the expectations.

It is also important to listen actively to ensure that everyone’s expectations are heard and all parties are on the same page. Finally, be sure to follow up with any questions or concerns so that both parties can be confident in their understanding of the expectations.

Understanding your expectations vs reality can be a difficult ti deal with, especially when your expectations are not met.

However, it is important to remember that disappointment can be managed and even transformed into a positive experience. By being mindful of our expectations, setting realistic goals, and communicating effectively, we can better manage any feelings of disappointment and make the most out of any situation. 

When reality doesn't meet our expectations, it's important to acknowledge our feelings and cope with them in healthy ways. By focusing on the positives, learning from the experience, and adjusting our expectations for the future, we can turn disappointment into a positive learning experience.

Effective communication is also key to managing expectations and avoiding misunderstandings that can lead to disappointment. With practise and patience, we can learn to manage our expectations and navigate disappointment in a healthy way.

If you found this article helpful, please share it with your friends and family. Let's all learn to better manage our expectations vs reality!

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Problem-Solving and Reasoning in the Classroom: Expectations vs Reality

Lessons rarely go as planned. How we imagine their delivery, student reaction, and the gift of knowledge we leave as the bell rings out, is a warm and delightful fiction.

Problem-solving and reasoning (PSR) lessons are no exception.

Putting together a multi-part activity combining the science of mathematics, the art of storytelling and intuition of a teacher is a feat. Pulling it off requires practice, practice, practice.

Here’s how we imagine our PSR lessons to play out, and the answering laughter of reality.

Expectation: My problem is rock-solid

You’ve thought of, borrowed, or been inspired by a problem you’ve seen elsewhere. A friend or colleague has told you it’s the bee’s knees – just the right amount of challenge, easy to understand and provides a seamless question to question experience.

Reality: You stumble on the unexpected

A student makes a point you weren’t prepared for, the question doesn’t make sense in context, or you haven’t accounted for a style of answer.

You stutter, stress, fluster and momentum expires.

Thus ends your PSR lesson.

You can avoid stumbling by getting prepared . However fault-free your problem seems, run through it a few times to see where you or your class might trip.

Expectation: My lesson will engage every student from start to finish

What you’re bringing to the table is entertaining enough to spawn its own Netflix series. It has a little something for everyone. Every eye in the class will sparkle, every mind ignited and dedicated to the task at hand.

Reality: Your students want to be outside

Your prompts are met with glassy-eyes, several students have been lost to random doodling, and the students who aren’t confused are bored.

You can engage students by stoking their curiosity. Connect the problems to your students, and you’ll have them hooked from intro to ending. Here are a few shortcuts:

Play to your passions – your excitement is contagious, and you’ll bring more energy to a problem that means something to you.

Continually raise the stakes – every great adventure starts humbly and explodes in its finale. Keep building and so will the incentive to follow.

Sprinkle in confusion – getting students off-balance will challenge them to find their feet again. Ask questions that seem to undermine what they’ve just learned, or throw them an entirely new approach that forces them to rethink.

Expectation: My questions will land perfectly

Your queries will be met with enthusiastic whispers and set the class into frenzied thought. Neurons will fire like the lighting of the galaxy and your students answers will propel your PSR lesson further onward into the great expanses of the unknown.

Reality: You get impatient and give students the answer

Silence meets your prompts and you break before your students begin to work on the problem. You give the answer, striking out the ‘S’ in ‘PSR’.

You have to ask the right questions at the right time. When creating your PSR journey, find the definitive moments where a question or series of questions are going to benefit your students most. Think about how the questions can improve their base knowledge, challenge them to think further or help them consider the problem in a new light or with a deeper understanding.

Expectation: My class will work seamlessly in groups

‘Alright, get into groups of 4’ begins the lesson and students are arranged, seated and waiting before the second hand has spun a full revolution. Students help and learn from one another, using their unique understanding and abilities to make learning work for everyone involved.

Reality: Your class is a miniature society on the verge of anarchy

‘Alright, get into groups of 4’ begins the lesson and is followed by immediate chaos. The class isn’t divisible by 4, friends refuse to sit anywhere but with each other, and the ability spectrum is wider than a waterfall’s rainbow.

Know how you want to group your class and activity. Avoid student politics, stress and ability pairing by thinking about what type of grouping will benefit the activity. To encourage discussion, you might seat groups of friends, generate debate by throwing random students together, or give students different roles to fill and work as small parts in a larger system.

Expectation: My lesson will run exactly on time

You’ve got a good idea of how long the lesson will take, as well as how and when to move on to the next segment. The lessons goals will be met by the time the clock strikes for break.

Reality: The clock betrays you with feline ruthlessness

You find yourself yelling the last part of the activity over the bell. The intro took twice as long as expected, the middle was rushed, and the conclusion will have to be brought up in the next lesson.

Give yourself double the time. Framing, hidden issues and post-class discussion are guaranteed to blow the lesson out. Having more time up your sleeve allows you to be flexible with your lesson and give students (not to mention yourself) the chance to reflect what was learned in class.

Be sure to have some reflecting tools/scaffolds or extension activity that deepens understanding for students who do finish early to ensure there is no time wasted.

Expectation: The next PSR lesson will be even better

The lesson was a success and the next one is going to be bigger and better.

Reality: You can’t remember what happened last time

You remember too late the mistakes of PSR lessons past. If only you took notes from the last time this happened.

Take notes as soon as your PSR lesson has finished. To make sure the next time is better, bigger and bolder, take notes. Jot down what worked, what didn’t, how students reacted and what you think might need to be tweaked, reworked or thrown out for next time.

Reality can be harsh, but it will prepare you for creating some unforgettable learning experiences.

Keep these tips in mind, and your warm fiction will become a regular reality.

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• Get Started

Expectation vs Reality

Have you ever gone to a restaurant and ordered from pictures only to be disappointed by the food that is actually delivered? Expectation vs reality can be disillusioning. Fast food places are notorious for this kind of thing. Have you ever received a burger that is so delicately constructed that the pickles, ketchup, onion, cheese and burger all are perfectly aligned on a gently placed bun, cooked to picture perfect satisfaction? I haven’t had the pleasure yet to experience that kind of reality, but I keep hoping… Or what about that picture perfect sundae you dream about, only to get a vanilla cup with a wooden spoon …?

One big struggle we face in our own leadership, is our ability to accomplish the expectations that we have of ourselves or that others place on us vs the reality of our time and resources.

Let me ask you this question: have you ever been under a time constraint and so you cut corners in order to deliver the final product?

When was the last time you were truly satisfied with the work that you’ve done?

Often I find that leaders are rarely satisfied with the amount of time, effort and quality of their own leadership.

What about the expectation? Who places these expectations on you? Are they realistic or were they something that were written down in hopes that we would achieve them?

Can you be the leader you are expected to be? How can you get it all done? How can you lead and be led? Can you grow yourself and grow your oversight?

Let me ask you a different question: What are you holding onto that you don’t need to be doing? That may feel like a low blow, or a gut check, but it needs to be addressed. You are the only one that can grow yourself and grow your influence. What expectations are you unfairly placing on yourself? What can you share with others in order to do what only you can do?

What projects or ideas are you spending time on that you really want to be spending time on? How are you investing in your own spiritual health and growth? Do you constantly have expectations that are placed on you (by yourself or others) that you don’t feel you can meet?

Here are a few examples that we have run across:

Expectation : Deliver a great sermon/teaching on Sunday morning.

Reality : You only have 2 hours to give to it this week.

Expectation : Increase the number of leaders in the ministry.

Reality : You have asked everyone you know already…5 times.

Expectation : You will lead the strategy and vision for the future of the church.

Reality : You don’t know where you are going for lunch let alone the coming year.

Expectation : You have scheduled meetings to attend.

Reality: People keep starting conversations with you or stopping by your office for a quick chat.

Expectation : When there is crisis you are the one who will help.

Reality: Everyone is always in crisis…

These are just a few of the real examples we come across regularly. Maybe some of them resonate with you, maybe they all do. So, how can you begin to find a healthy balance of expectations vs reality in your leadership?

Here are three areas where you can begin to align expectations to the reality of your leadership.

• Awareness : Become aware of the expectations you have created for yourself. Why have you placed these expectations on yourself? Understand realistically what you are capable of and what time it will take you to complete your own expectations. Take time to consider others’ expectations of you. Learn why these expectations are in place and consider reevaluating them with those in influence and leadership around you.  
• Communication : Clearly communicate with those around you what you are able to do and what you most want to do. Let them know about time constraints, let them know about your goals and values. Bring them close by letting them know what you can and can’t do, so that their expectations are more closely aligned with your reality. Keep this communication going.
• Boundaries : Create healthy boundaries for your schedule and relationships. Look for opportunities to align side conversations to a common meeting time. If someone needs your time, give them a couple meeting opportunities and let them align to your schedule. When you have something reserved, allow it to take priority. Finally, schedule time in your schedule for your own growth, study, family and friendships.

Your leadership will thrive as you work to align expectations and reality in your leadership. It will take some work, but you are the only one who can do it and you are the only one keeping yourself from being more aligned.

Need Some Help to Get Expectation vs Reality Aligned? Let’s Get Started!

Our Highly Successful Process – Customized for You and Your Context – Helps You Build Teams That Execute Change

In what ways is Expectation vs Reality out of sync for you in your leadership? Share your insights, or ask your question here.

Author:  Brian Zehr

Enthusiastic co-founder and Leadership Architect at Intentional Impact. In addition to my leadership at Intentional Impact, I am also actively engaged as a speaker across the country and at many of the campuses of Community Christian Church in the Chicagoland area.

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Expectations vs. Reality: The Promise, Perils, and Outcomes of Online Learning in Hybrid and Distance Education Courses - PowerPoint PPT Presentation

Expectations vs. Reality: The Promise, Perils, and Outcomes of Online Learning in Hybrid and Distance Education Courses

The promise, perils, and outcomes of online learning in hybrid and. distance education courses ... to take a single online course or complete a whole degree ... – powerpoint ppt presentation.

• Saxon Reasons, Ed.D., saxrea_at_usi.edu
• Kevin Valadares, Ph.D., kvaladar_at_usi.edu
• Michael Slavkin, Ph.D., mslavkin_at_usi.edu
• Online learning benefits
• Ability to lift barriers of time and space
• Opportunity for students to take a single online course or complete a whole degree
• Ability for faculty to create a learning environment that allows participation by more students
• Hybrid format
• Touted as best of both worlds
• Can mean different things F2F online, online another medium
• What is good online instruction?
• Potential confusion with hybrid model
• Lack of student awareness about online learning
• Poor advisement into online courses
• Student expectation regarding level of engagement
• Conditioning by prior experience with other online courses
• Pedagogical outcomes
• Reflection on prior experience with DE
• Student response to various teaching tools
• Numbers of students in courses
• Faculty workload
• Riding the wave each term
• Student outcomes
• Grades comparison
• Number of hits on course website
• Course participation
• Student reflection on learning process (metacognition)
• Lack of motivation
• Lack of time management skills
• Intellectual immaturity
• Active learning, a hallmark of good online education, is uncomfortable.
• Increased accountability is a reality for both students and faculty.
• Online learning environment may bring out extremes
• Possible disengagement if student is overly organized/not at all
• Immediacy is emphasized, which is both good and bad.
• Some struggle with mechanics of utilizing course site.
• Confusion may be generated in the hybrid environment.
• Course organization component can seem forced, especially compared to F2F.
• Try various forms of communication to reach students (ex. audio streams and telephone calls).
• Communicate and reinforce your expectations and consequences to students.
• Utilize the discussion board for a multitude of purposes.
• Start tough and ease up.
• Faculty challenges
• Consistency in presentation and communication timing
• Beware of what you ask for (emails, number and strategic use of discussion boards).
• Struggles with scalability still occur.
• Student challenges
• Out-of-sight is out-of-mind (no regular F2F reinforcement)
• Prior experience with non-engaging or static online courses, or with faculty who do not respond
• Discomfort with subtle changes
• Be experimental and have a flexible attitude about what is/is not working.
• Anticipate student difficulty with changes in teaching methods you use.
• Be aware that online courses sometimes require more extensive overhauls than F2F courses each term.
• Think big, but use baby steps.
• Communicate scalability concerns with administration.
• Younger students may not be as pre-disposed as older students to success in online courses.
• Hybrid sections may create confusion if students are looking for cues in wrong place (F2F or online).
• Students not comfortable with challenges of new teaching methods, such as DB or group work (want to keep it as superficial as possiblereflection is uncomfortable).
• Even though the expectations are explicit, students may still not respond to assignments.
• Manage entrance into online courses
• (ex. permission-only status, computer experience, pre-requisites, effective advising).
• Utilize online survey function as a means of assessing student understanding of content.
• Recruit successful DE students to act as mentors.

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