dating a phd student long distance

Dating A PhD Student Long Distance: Building A Future from Afar!

The academic commitment of a phd student, balancing love and scholarship, distance and communication barriers, effective communication strategies, leveraging technology for connection, overcoming time zone differences, keeping the spark alive in long-distance relationships, creative ideas for virtual dates, managing expectations and emotional needs, navigating uncertainties in academic and relationship timelines, discussing future plans and goals, the role of support and understanding in long-distance relationships, maximizing quality time during visits, balancing relationship needs with academic responsibilities, strategies for keeping the relationship exciting and fulfilling, conclusion: embracing the journey together, dating a phd student long distance: navigating challenges.

Dating a PhD student long distance brings a set of challenges that are distinct and multifaceted.

This journey, while filled with its own rewards, requires a keen awareness of the hurdles involved and a commitment to overcoming them together.

• Impact on the Relationship: The limited availability can strain the relationship, requiring both partners to be flexible and understanding.
• Planning Quality Time: Set aside dedicated times for communication.
• Sharing Academic Progress: Keeps the non-student partner involved and informed.
• Methods of Support: Regular check-ins, listening, and offering encouragement.
• Joint Goals: Discuss and align your future plans, considering both the relationship and academic achievements.
• Overcoming Distance: Regular video calls, surprise virtual dates, and sharing daily experiences help maintain a close bond.
• Open and Honest Dialogue: Ensures both partners feel heard and valued.
• Regular Updates: Share both the highs and lows of your days.

Strategies for Overcoming Challenges

In summary, dating a PhD student long distance demands a blend of patience, flexibility, and open communication.

By acknowledging these challenges and actively working on them, couples can foster a strong, supportive, and enduring relationship, even across miles.

Strengthening Communication

In a relationship where you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the cornerstone of your connection is communication.

It’s not just about talking more, but about talking smart and making each interaction count.

• Focused Conversations: Share meaningful updates, feelings, and experiences.
• Active Listening: Show genuine interest and empathy in your partner’s life.
• Honesty is Key: Share your joys, frustrations, and fears openly.
• Video Calls: Platforms like Zoom or Skype allow for face-to-face interaction.
• Messaging Apps: For sharing quick updates and staying in the loop.
• Virtual Dates: Watch movies together online, play games, or even cook together over video.
• Surprise Messages: Send unexpected texts or voice notes to keep the excitement alive.
• Plan Ahead: Schedule calls at times convenient for both, considering each other’s routines.
• Flexibility: Be willing to adjust your schedule occasionally for spontaneous chats.
• Quality Time: Even short conversations should be meaningful and engaging.

Communication Strategies and Tools

In essence, effective communication in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a mix of traditional and modern approaches, ensuring that every conversation strengthens the bond.

By embracing these strategies, couples can maintain a vibrant and connected relationship, regardless of the miles between them.

Building Emotional Intimacy from Afar

When dating a PhD student long distance, building and maintaining emotional intimacy is a vital component of the relationship.

It’s about creating a deep connection that transcends physical distance.

• Daily Check-ins: Share your day-to-day experiences, thoughts, and feelings.
• Deep Conversations: Discuss your dreams, fears, and aspirations.
• Letters and Gifts: Send handwritten notes or thoughtful gifts to show you care.
• Watch Parties: Stream movies or shows together online.
• Online Games: Play interactive games to enjoy some light-hearted fun.
• Shared Interests: Explore topics or hobbies you both enjoy.
• Open Discussions: Talk about what you both expect from the relationship.
• Adjusting Expectations: Be willing to adapt as circumstances change.
• Empathy and Understanding: Recognize and validate each other’s feelings and struggles.

Emotional Intimacy Strategies

To sum up, fostering emotional intimacy in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a blend of consistent communication, creative virtual interactions, and a deep understanding of each other’s emotional needs.

By embracing these elements, couples can create a strong, emotionally connected relationship, regardless of the physical distance.

Planning for the Future

In a relationship where one partner is a PhD student and the couple is managing long distance, planning for the future becomes a crucial aspect.

It’s about aligning academic goals with relationship milestones and moving forward together.

• Adjustable Timelines: Be prepared for changes in graduation dates or research timelines.
• Joint Planning: Discuss how these changes might impact your relationship plans.
• Long-Term Planning: Discuss living together, marriage, or other significant steps and how they fit with academic commitments.
• Career Aspirations: Understand each other’s career ambitions and how they fit into your shared future.
• Lifestyle Choices: Discuss where you want to live, lifestyle preferences, and other key decisions.
• Short-Term Goals: Plan visits, vacations, or other immediate plans.
• Long-Term Goals: Consider where you see yourselves in five, ten, or more years.
• Encouragement and Motivation: Boost each other’s morale, especially during academic or professional setbacks.
• Empathy: Show compassion for the demands of academic life.

Future Planning Strategies

In essence, planning for the future in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves a harmonious blend of understanding, open communication, and mutual support.

By navigating these aspects together, couples can build a strong foundation for a shared future, filled with both academic and relationship successes.

Making the Most of Physical Reunions

When you’re dating a PhD student long distance, the moments you spend together in person are precious. These reunions are a chance to strengthen your bond and create lasting memories.

• Shared Interests: Whether it’s hiking, visiting museums, or cooking together, engaging in shared hobbies can be deeply fulfilling.
• Relaxation Time: Don’t overschedule. Ensure you have downtime to simply enjoy each other’s company.
• Surprise Elements: Small surprises or thoughtful gestures can make your time together even more special.
• Flexible Scheduling: Be prepared to adjust plans if necessary due to their academic workload.
• Supportive Environment: Create a space where both of you can work if needed, turning it into a shared experience.
• Meaningful Interactions: Even short periods spent together can be deeply meaningful if spent mindfully.
• Adventure and Exploration: Whether it’s a local adventure or exploring a new city, these experiences can invigorate your relationship.
• Growth and Development: Talk about how you’ve both grown and how your relationship has evolved.

Reunion Strategies

In summary, making the most of physical reunions in a long-distance relationship with a PhD student involves careful planning, a balance of fun and responsibility, and a focus on creating special, memorable moments.

These reunions are not just about being together but about nurturing and celebrating your unique connection.

Embarking on a relationship with a PhD student long distance is a unique journey that intertwines challenges with opportunities for growth.

It’s about more than just enduring the distance, it’s about thriving within it.

This journey demands resilience, adaptability, and a deep commitment to nurturing your bond.

By embracing effective communication, understanding the complexities of academic life, and creatively making the most of your time together, you can build a future that’s rich in love and mutual support, even when miles apart .

• How can I keep the connection strong in a long-distance relationship? Regular communication, engaging in creative virtual dates, and sharing the small and significant moments of your daily life are essential to maintaining a strong and vibrant connection.
• What are some challenges of dating a PhD student long distance? You may face challenges such as balancing the demanding academic commitments of a PhD student with the needs of your relationship, managing differences in time zones, and sustaining emotional intimacy over distance.
• How can we plan for the future in a long-distance relationship? Openly discussing your future plans and goals, aligning your relationship milestones with academic timelines, and offering mutual support for each other’s aspirations are crucial steps in planning your future together.
• What are effective ways to manage visits in a long-distance relationship? To make the most of your visits, plan enjoyable activities together, respect each other’s commitments, and focus on creating special, memorable moments.
• How can we handle the uncertainty in a PhD student’s schedule? Flexibility and understanding are vital. Be prepared for shifts in schedules and have open discussions about how these changes might impact your relationship, adapting your plans as needed.

In summary, while dating a PhD student long distance presents its unique set of challenges, it also offers a chance to build a deeply meaningful and resilient relationship.

Through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to adapt, you can create a strong foundation for a lasting partnership.

What no one told me about grad school: long-distance means far away

To say that I underestimated moving across the United States is an understatement. I grew up in a small-ish town in Southern California and went to college a short 50-minute drive away. I thought this meant that I had “moved out,” like a real adult. But I would soon learn that going to your childhood home every other weekend to do laundry doesn’t count. Like most Californians, I was certain that I was never leaving California. I planned to go to grad school programs somewhere close, but not too close, like San Diego or Los Angeles. I wasn’t even letting my imagination venture as far as Davis or Berkeley. It’s almost endearing to look back at how naïve I was.

So of course, after powering through a bachelor’s degree in mathematics, I got accepted into the mathematics Ph.D. program at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. You know, 3,000 miles away from my beloved California. I was so excited, and all my friends and family were ridiculously proud of me. I was accepting that offer faster than you can say, “Pack your bags.” Every time someone mentioned how far away it was, I thought, “Pshhh, I’m an adult. I’ve lived away from home. I’ll be fine!” True, it’s not like everyone abandoned me. I had Facebook, a smartphone, and Skype. How could I be alone when technology was on my side? But a pesky three-hour time difference, a dramatic change in scenery, and new cultural norms meant reading texts and occasionally seeing the faces I love on a screen wasn’t cutting it.

Now, I know that for international students, this shock is way more extreme. I have the utmost respect for someone who, not only leaves their state or province, but leaves their country to pursue educational or work-related opportunities. I’m hoping those individuals will give me a little slack here and relate to my story, even though I didn’t have to learn a new language or currency system. I don’t write this to discourage anyone from traveling for college, work, or graduate school. I write this so that, when the time comes, you’re ready to make that transition and are prepared to work harder in your social life than you had in the past. Long-distance relationships can mean many things, so I’ll break mine down into three categories: Friends, Family, and My Partner.

No one tells you this on graduation day, but making friends as an adult can be rough. There’s no compulsory reason for you to be in the same place at the same time. There are no more convenient times where you all happen to be free every week to hang out. And the people around you are most likely no longer at the same life stage as you. My advice to you here? Invest in others. Be proactive, and be reliable. It may seem weird at first to have to schedule extremely specific times to hang out, (Can you get coffee with me this Tuesday from 1:30-2:00 PM at *inset central location here*?) but it’s worth it. And don’t flake out! For faraway friends, I recommend scheduled online group chats like Google Hangout. This takes investment from all parties, but it allows you structured, intentional time to catch up on everything going on in your lives. It can be a lifesaver to have something familiar like this to look forward to, especially when you’ve gone on a few awkward coffee dates with potential new friends.

None of these topics have an easy answer, but this one may be the most difficult. Family relationships are tough, and this section only really makes sense if you want to stay in touch with your family. Some things that helped me were frequent, predictable phone calls. My mom commutes to work around 5:30 AM in California. I commute to work around 8 AM on the East Coast. Perfect timing for a daily car ride chat about the goings-on in our lives, the weather, the news, anything that was on our minds. Another thing people typically love is getting real mail . I send more birthday cards than birthday texts, and I made it a conscious point to send a Christmas card every year. I didn’t know if these made a difference, but when I visited my husband’s side of the family, the Christmas cards were almost the first thing everyone mentioned. Finally, book some trips. And remind your family that planes fly in both directions. I visited home often, but it was nothing compared to the excitement of showing my mom, grandma, and aunt around my new home in New England. It made me truly appreciate where I was living and created a fondness for my new home now that I had memories of my family having brunch at one of my favorite local breakfast spots.

I consider my husband and me pretty much pros at long-distance. Not only am I a grad student, but he’s in the US Navy. Talk about jobs that take you to faraway places.  We met in California weeks before I flew to Massachusetts for grad school and he flew to Illinois for boot camp. While I continued to live in the Northeast, he moved to South Carolina and upstate New York over 2.5 years of training. Oh, and did I mention that somewhere in there we got married in California? Planning a wedding from 3,000 miles away when your partner is 1,000 miles from you is no joke. The “two-body problem” of coordinating where you and your partner will be in a transitionary period of your lives is always difficult. You both need to be understanding and, above all, excellent at communicating. Compassion is key. This type of situation only works when you’re each willing to support the other, no matter how much you don’t understand what they’re going through. The enemies here? Jealousy, immaturity, and insecurity. Despite what magazines, romantic comedies, or Nick Jonas tell you, unfounded jealousy is not a compliment. These are things that need to be communicated through early and often. Nothing says grudge like waiting to address something until you see your partner in person 57 days from now. The moral of the story is: long-distance means far away. Be realistic about where you’re going, and be ready to put in more effort than you’ve had to in the past. Relationships of all kinds require investment, communication, and empathy. But investment in others often leads to investment in your own wellbeing. “When you really want something, you will find a way. When you don’t really want something, you’ll find an excuse.” – Rachel Hollis.

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Dating a phd student: a survival guide, published by steve tippins on september 11, 2019 september 11, 2019.

Last Updated on: 2nd February 2024, 04:47 am

Are you dating a PhD student, or married to one? Watching your spouse go through the PhD process can be confusing at best and downright terrible at worst. Your partner may have to be away for hours (or days) at a time. And even when they are home, they have to work on the computer deep into the night, at your children’s dance recitals, and just about anywhere else imagine. 

I’ve been through the PhD process and supported my wife as she began a PhD program and later, as she returned to get a second Master’s degree. I’ve also been through the PhD process myself. So I know both what dating a PhD student (or being married to one) and being a PhD student is like . I’ve also consulted for countless clients, and found many of them have the same problems–and solutions.

Keeping that experience in mind, here are a few things to remember about dating a PhD student. 

7 Things to Remember for Dating a PhD Student 

1. This is a marathon and not a sprint

If you’ve been through college but not grad school, you might remember the time when you pulled an all-nighter in college and did just enough to pass a class that you were way behind in. 

It’s important to remember that graduate school works differently–your partner probably doesn’t have the option of doing things halfway.

Where an undergraduate student could get by skimming the readings, grad students are expected to read everything and make intelligent comments about what they have read. Multiple choice tests are not part of the curriculum. That is to say, even “barely passing” still requires an extraordinary amount of work. 

Thus, your partner will need to put in many hours of work each week, consistently, in order to achieve his or her goal. Mentally prepare yourself for this, and you’ll be less likely to take it personally when your partner doesn’t have time for you. You’ll be a better support to them, and you’ll save yourself the suffering of feeling rejected.

This is a long grind and it will take time and lots of dedication, but they will cross the finish line. 

2 . Your partner will change during the process

Anything that you do for many hours a week for 3 to 8 years is bound to change you. And grad school is designed to do just that. Your partner will look at the world differently when she or he finishes. 

You will probably have changed over time as well. Learn to appreciate the new way of looking at the world. Dating a PhD student can be a bit like going through the PhD program vicariously–you too will be immersed in their topic as they describe the challenges they face and the revelations they have.

Over 50% of doctoral candidates don’t finish their dissertations.

 If you can think of this as a journey that you are on together, it can be a fun process of learning and discovery. That said…

3. There actually is an end

You may think that your partner will never finish the #%&$*@ program. It just seems that way. Every day he/she gets a little closer. Sometimes it may not seem like the end will come but when it does you will have new adventures in front of you and an appreciative partner. Your support, in whatever way you can give it, will make the end of the journey arrive faster (or at least feel like it).

4. The people that your partner is dealing with may seem unreasonable

There may be times when your partner talks about a particular professor in less than glowing terms. Comments like “I already did this!” or “Didn’t he see that?” are mild examples of what might be said. 

Rest assured that you do not need to jump in and defend your partner’s honor. You may think that the request is ridiculous (perhaps a nuance of APA punctuation) but it’s usually been made for a reason. 

Even if the professor is truly being unreasonable, there is no need to defend your partner in these situations. Doing so will usually just make the situation worse. Instead, move on to number 5.

5. Just listen

Many times, all your partner may need is someone to listen to them. They may just need to vent a little without needing you to fix things. 

Understand that there are times when your partner just needs someone to listen and not solve the problem . Being able to listen is a skill that serves all of us well. If your partner is working towards a doctorate, they can solve problems themselves–they just need a friend.

6. You may have to do some things alone

Your partner is very, very busy. You are probably aware of that already. You have a choice to sit and wait for him or her to finish or you can do some things on your own. Maybe you have always wanted to learn to play the guitar, or explore the local waterways by kayak. Perhaps there is a local group looking for mentors or other opportunities to volunteer.

The point is, there are many constructive things that you can do while your partner is doing school work. It will take the added pressure off of them if they know that you can enjoy yourself on your own and aren’t dependent on them for your happiness. Think of it as a free pass to get better acquainted with yourself and try new things.

7. Anything that you can do to lighten the load is appreciated

Perhaps your partner is working, going to school, and in a relationship with you all at the same time (and maybe you even have kids!). Even balancing school and a relationship may be overwhelming if you factor getting at least one good night’s sleep a week into the equation.

There are not enough hours in the day to get everything done. Anything that you can do will be very helpful and show how compassionate and supportive you are. Do the laundry, cook dinner, and you’ll earn your place as the supportive partner of your spouse’s dreams. 

Final Thoughts on Dating a PhD Student

If your partner is in a doctoral program your life will change. If you can understand what she or he is going through and try to help, your life will be much easier and your partner will really appreciate everything that you do. And, while you are being supportive, take the chance to grow yourself.

Steve Tippins

Steve Tippins, PhD, has thrived in academia for over thirty years. He continues to love teaching in addition to coaching recent PhD graduates as well as students writing their dissertations. Learn more about his dissertation coaching and career coaching services. Book a Free Consultation with Steve Tippins

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11 Ways to Survive a Long Distance Relationship in Grad School & Beyond

by Margherita Gaulte, MA, MS | Oct 2, 2017 | Lifehacks, Tips & Advice , Student & Intern Resources

Many couples must separate physically for a variety of reasons, including career and academic advancement, military deployment, immigration restrictions, or familial obligations. Long distance relationships are becoming increasingly common [1] and graduate students and early careers professionals have even more reasons why they might need to live apart from their partners.

Being prepared by knowing the challenges ahead can help to ensure that your relationship and career are actually strengthened by the time apart.

While there are many obvious detriments to being apart from a committed partner, there are also some advantages. Those who separated physically for work reported having more autonomy and satisfaction at work as well as experiencing more creativity [2,3].

And while the difficulties are numerous, being in a long distance relationship can be as satisfying and stable as being in a physically close relationship [4]. In fact, one study found that individuals in long distance relationships actually report higher levels of communication and dedication, and lower levels of feeling trapped and feeling likely of breaking up when compared to close proximity couples [5].

Even with these advantages for the relationship, being physically distant from one another can put an added strain on the relationship. Sadness, crying, guilt, anger, restlessness, and yearning are all common reactions to being apart [6]. These can be exacerbated through activation of our exploratory systems, that is, exposure to a new job, new people, and a new routine which can prioritize proximity to the partner [7].

What’s worse is the lack of understanding that is common for others who, despite their good intentions, may not understand the struggles of being in a long distance relationship. Experiencing closeness, whether with an understanding friend or with your partner, can provide the security needed to reactivate our inner creative and adventurous selves.

Reuniting after living apart can be one of the most difficult aspects of long distance relationships . High expectations and time apart can make the transition less than ideal. It is important to remember that it is common for couples to have difficulty with this transition despite the hype and desire to be together again.

Proximity to the partner can be gained through other means prior to reunions. You can help close the gap psychologically through memories or symbolically through pictures, phone calls, video chats, or social networking. Here are some other ways to help deal with the challenges of a long distance relationship.

Surviving a Long Distance Relationship

1. get creative.

There is no single formula of how to stay in touch, but thanks to modern technology there are more ways than ever to stay connected. Use social media to view and share pictures, write handwritten letters back and forth, watch movies or cook together on video calls, and find other unique ways you can connect to one another.

2. Expect Some Awkwardness

Many couples are surprised to find that they need time to adjust when meeting face to face after time apart. Allow yourself some time to adjust to being together each time you meet and discuss ways that you can acclimate with your partner.

3. Lower Expectations

While this might sound pessimistic, it can be a practical way to avoid feeling disappointed or let down when reuniting. Many people overly romanticize their relationships when they’re away only to find themselves in the mundane routines with their partner. Expect that while you will be overjoyed to see him or her again, you will also have times where running errands or doing chores won’t feel particularly special.

4. Grow Apart

Growing apart is inevitable and fighting it will not only stifle the both of you but lead to tension and conflict. Accept that you and your partner will grow in your own ways and encourage this. By fostering growth, you will deepen your relationship and allow you and your partner to reach your full potential.

5. Share Your Work

Does your partner really understand what you do? Instead of saying you have a paper due or are working a new project, send the instructions or outlines of what you’ll be doing. Projects you’re working on are just an abstract idea you talk about until you share the details.

Some ways you can make your work more concrete are to send class syllabi, requirements for your internship, or your job description. This will only make your successes and challenges with your work easier for your partner to understand, and help them support you more effectively.

6. Connect With Others

Develop and maintain your own community that can offer you support and help you gain your own independence. It can also be helpful to talk to others with experience in long distance relationships as a way to share your struggles and successes. Utilize forums and online groups dedicated to those facing the challenges of being far away from loved ones.

7. Learn Something New

Use the time apart as an opportunity to try a new sport or take up a hobby you’ve always wanted to try out. Even if you don’t end up with a lifelong hobby, you can keep your brain sharp and learn more about yourself.

8. Practice Self-Care

Taking better care of yourself can help with the turbulent emotions and lack of companionship. Use the time apart to develop your own independent system of dealing with feelings of loneliness and anxiety.

5 Steps to Building Your Personal Self-Care Plan

9. Foster Your Independence

Being away from what is familiar makes you learn how to navigate the world on your own without relying on the comfort of your loved one. Embrace your newfound freedom that will undoubtedly prove beneficial even after you reunite with your partner.

10. Plan Ahead

Always know the next time you’ll be seeing each other. Even if it’s three months away, it’s so helpful to be able to countdown the days until you know you’ll see your partner again. It allows you to make plans, feel excited, and know that being apart isn’t forever.

11. Have Difficult Conversations in Person

You can’t always make this happen, and it’s hard to be willing to do this for fear that you’ll mess up that precious time together. However, having difficult conversations in person can actually foster closeness and intimacy. Many partners are able to support and feel more supported by their partner in person, and big issues or decisions are more easily explored when you can be physically supported by your partner.

The challenges of living apart are as numerous and unique for each couple as the solutions. Graduate school is a stressful time that can be taxing on a relationship no matter how strong or close the two of you are. By having open communication, addressing issues as they come up, and finding your own support system you can keep your relationship strong no matter how many miles are between the two of you.

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Navigating the Dating Maze: The Ups and Downs of PhD Student Romance

Listen to the article .

As PhD students, we’re no strangers to intense workloads, endless research, and the constant pursuit of academic excellence. While our focus on education and career growth is commendable, it can be challenging to maintain a healthy work-life balance . This is especially true when it comes to dating and building romantic relationships. For many of us, the dating world can be frustrating, and at times, depressing experience.

As PhD students, we face unique challenges in the dating world that can make it feel like we’re running a never-ending emotional marathon. From time constraints and financial concerns to the dreaded “ imposter syndrome “, dating as a PhD student can be a rollercoaster ride.

Time constraints

One of the most significant challenges PhD students face is finding the time for dating. Between teaching, conducting research, attending conferences, and writing papers, our schedules are often jam-packed. This leaves little room for socialising and building meaningful connections with potential romantic partners. It’s not uncommon for PhD students to prioritise their work over their personal lives, leading to missed opportunities for love and companionship.

Solution: While it’s essential to focus on your academic and professional goals, don’t forget to make time for yourself and your emotional well-being. Schedule regular breaks and carve out time in your calendar for socialising and dating. Being intentional about maintaining a work-life balance can make dating more enjoyable and less overwhelming.

Financial concerns

Pursuing a PhD is a significant investment, both in terms of time and money. With mounting student loan debt and often modest stipends, financial concerns can weigh heavily on the minds of PhD students. This can create feelings of stress and insecurity, making it difficult to fully enjoy the dating experience.

Solution: Be honest with yourself and your potential partner about your financial situation. Many people are understanding and supportive when it comes to the sacrifices that come with pursuing higher education. Remember, there are plenty of low-cost or free date ideas that can be just as enjoyable and meaningful as more expensive outings.

Intellectual compatibility

As PhD students, we’re used to engaging in deep, thought-provoking conversations with our peers and mentors. When it comes to dating, finding someone with a similar level of intellectual curiosity and ambition can be challenging. It can be disheartening when conversations with potential partners feel superficial or lack the intellectual stimulation we crave.

Solution: Seek out dating opportunities in places where you’re more likely to find like-minded individuals. Attend networking events, join clubs or organisations related to your field, or try online dating platforms that cater to professionals and academics. This will increase your chances of finding someone who shares your intellectual interests and can engage in meaningful conversations.

Imposter syndrome

Imposter syndrome, or the persistent feeling of inadequacy despite evidence of success, is a common struggle among PhD students. These feelings of self-doubt can spill over into our romantic lives, leading us to question our worthiness as partners and causing us to shy away from pursuing meaningful relationships.

Solution: Recognise and challenge your imposter syndrome thoughts. Remind yourself of your accomplishments and the value you bring to a relationship. Surround yourself with supportive friends and loved ones who can help boost your self-esteem and remind you of your worth.

Long-term c ommitments

The pursuit of a PhD often involves long-term commitments to a particular institution, research project, or geographic location. This can make it difficult to enter into a relationship, as the uncertainty of where we’ll end up after completing our degrees can create hesitancy for both ourselves and potential partners.

Solution: Open communication is key when it comes to discussing your long-term plans and commitments with a potential partner. Be upfront about your goals and aspirations and encourage your partner to do the same. This will help you both understand each other’s expectations and allow you to navigate the challenges that come with dating as a PhD student together.

Dating as a PhD student can be a daunting and sometimes depressing experience. However, by acknowledging the unique challenges we face and implementing strategies to overcome them, we can make dating a more enjoyable and fulfilling aspect of our lives.

To ensure your emotional well-being, it’s important to prioritise it, connect with individuals who share your values, and maintain open communication with potential partners. With perseverance and patience, you can navigate the complexities of dating and find companionship while pursuing your academic objectives.

Dennis Relojo-Howell   is the managing director of  Psychreg.

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Surviving a long distance relationship in grad school

Relationships are complicated. Add distance AND grad school to the equation and things can get even more difficult.

Before sharing my own experience with long distance and some strategies that have helped us, I thought I would share a little bit about our relationship. Steve (my fiancé) and I started dating when I went away to school to Calgary, Alberta for my Master’s degree in 2011. The distance from Calgary to Toronto is a plane ride away. After my degree, I took off and traveled to Geneva, Switzerland for 4 months and then again to Saint Lucia for 6 months – more and more plane rides. We had a couple good years together in Toronto until I decided to up and move again to Ottawa, Ontario for my PhD. As you can see, we have experienced A LOT of distance. It hasn’t been the easiest road and of course, comes with its ups and downs but by now we like to think we know what we are doing a bit more.

So these strategies may look a bit different if you are just starting a new relationship, but hope you can still take something from it.

When stressed, we often can take out our challenges on the people we love most. If this happens, take a step back to reflect what and why you are feeling this way and what caused this reaction. This step is crucial and often our ego can get in the way. But if you miss this important part, inevitability you will continue this cycle throughout your relationship.

Clear Communication & Honesty

Once you get real on your feelings, as hard as it may clearly communicate that your partner (oh and apologize for your overreaction if there was one). Sure they might not be able to fully understand your situation but if you’re overwhelmed – tell them, feeling tired – tell them and explain why, are you confused – same thing! Let them in so they know where you are at (their ability to read minds both in person and through distance is quite difficult).

If you need something from them, be specific and ask.

Maybe you need to the day without interruption. Explain what you will be doing (turning off your phone) and why (because you are swamped with school work and feeling overwhelmed) and most importantly explain that when you are done, you will set aside time for them (at the end of the day you will FaceTime them).

My fiancé and I had planned for me to head to Toronto this weekend. I got organized, reflected and came to the realization that I just won’t be able to manage the wasted time through travel. Instead, we changed plans so that he would come visit me.

Your partner will likely need to sacrifice things throughout the time you are in grad school. But remember that this sacrifice goes both ways. So when you do have the time, make sure to make them a priority. And recognize the sacrifice they are making. Be thankful. Give and show them appreciation.

Long distance is hard, exhausting and not typically fun. I miss him every day, multiple times a day. Especially on the difficult days. So make sure to add some fun to your relationship through the distance – of course when you do see eachother, set aside that time to really connect. When you are away from eachother, incorporate fun things such as watching the same TV series at the same time and texting about it. FaceTime during times when you are doing just normal things like cooking or cleaning. This semester, Steve and I are reading the same book (George Orwell 1984) to feel more connected.

Yes, long distance relationships are hard but overcoming these challenges together can strengthen your relationship quickly. It also gives you time for solitude and exercises your independence. It can strengthen your creativity and enjoyment of your work. So remember –  it’s not all bad!

What strategies do you use in your long distance relationships?

Until next time,

P.S Don’t forget to use  #ScholarCulture #ScholarSquad   #ScholarSunday   to keep me updated on your experiences as grad students.

P.P.S Applying to grad school for the 2018/19 school year? Check out  this FREE eBook  on 5 steps to a successful grad school application. Are you in grad school and struggling to find easy lunches to bring to campus? Check out three FREE recipes and full nutritional information  here .

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• Officially Grads

Long-distance relationships in a PhD program

• relationships
• personal life
• relocationrelationships

By laurendini March 11, 2012 in Officially Grads

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So I'm new to the forums, but would like some insights from other grads.

I just got an offer from PSU for their dual-title History/Women's Studies program. I am really excited about it and planning to accept the offer, but I'm nervous about what will happen with my boyfriend and I. He is doing a master's at a university in the Rockies (where we're both from) and plans to work at a specific lab in Denver once he is finished. I am hoping to get a job in the Denver-area after grad school, but in the meantime I'm not sure how we'll cope with the distance. We've been together for four years and did semi-long-distance during college (he was in WY, I was in CO), which I suppose makes us decently equipped to handle it. We are both committed to staying together so a "break" or break-up is not on the table. I just hate the idea of waiting 5-6 more years to start our life together.

So my question is: does anyone have any tips on how to do a long-distance relationship during grad school (or anything to avoid)? I would appreciate any advice/insight from folks who have experience with this.

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StrangeLight

first, as a historian, you should know that the job market is super-shitty and if you hope to work in academia as a professor, you'll have almost no control over where you get a job. if you get a job. so moving to the denver area when you're done your PhD is only a realistic objective if you don't plan to be a professor. if you're okay with that, cool. if not, then you need to do a little reading up on the state of the job market and have some serious conversations with your boyfriend.

but the good news is, once you're done your coursework (3 years or so, usually), you're ABD (all but dissertation) and onto the researching and writing phase. if you can secure a few fellowships during those years, you can easily move to the denver area and live with your boyfriend while you write. so you don't have to see the separation as 5-6 years, more like 3-4.

• Rachel B and the007expert

My best advice - avoid it!

Honestly, if you're going to go into academia, you'll have to move wherever you can get a job. That is the reality, especially if you want tenure track at some point. Your partner is going to have to move with you and possibly sacrifice their career in order to do this unless they work in a field that is easily transferrable.

My husband's a prof. My career isn't really great where we live which is why I am going back to grad school

Sometimes, if both husband and wife are in academia you can arrange a spousal hire, if they really want you or him.

True, though this is getting harder and harder. The uni has to really, really want one of them. A lot of faculties *won't* do faculty spousal hires (in case something happens to the relationship). With most spousal hires I know, the spouse has some sort of lesser contract than the main prof (i.e. not tenure track)

I'd say avoid it if you can. My SO and I have been long distance for the past 2 years for our Masters, and we're doing it again for our PhDs (another 4-5 years, oy). It's not fun, and costly on frequent plane tickets. And honestly, as a PhD student, there even LESS time available for a Skype chat via time differences. Long story short: it sucks. Avoid at all costs if possible.

peppermint.beatnik

In the five years I've been with my partner, two of them have been long distance: one when I was completing my Masters; I lived overseas for 7 months; now I'm in my first year of a PhD program.

I think it's doable as long as you both have the same or similar expectations. If you absolutely need to see one another frequently, this is not the type of relationship that will work long-term.

I talk to my partner twice a day, which helps, although I'm in the same time zone as him.

I wouldn't do it if its in any way avoidable. Been long distance with mine for a year now and it can be very hard on a relationship. Everyone involved has to be very understanding and even then...its hard and lonely and can make you slightly bitter at times. And like others said - to continue to pursue your career it would likely be longer than 5-6 years... and 5-6 years alone is a VERY long time.. especially as you are getting older, wanting to be more settled and wanting something more permanent, as some people do. Is there a way you guys could take turns or he could transfer or reconsider where he wants to work when he's done - and then when you are done you go where he wants/do what he wants to do?

I hate to jump in on this and make you feel worse but I agree with the above... Just got out of a +3 year long distance relationship and while I was always happy with the relationship, the distance really did us in (400 miles apart). It is just so hard to depend on someone to be there for you when they're not physically with you. And when you're really stressed out that unfortunately can manifest itself in the relationship via way of small fights, snippy comments, etc. It was a huge learning experience for me and I was very, very happy most of the time but I wouldn't recommend it to others to embark on

NinjaMermaid

I have two friends who are doing this right now, one situation has ended very badly and the next will more than likely end badly (going by what she has said). It always depends on the couple of course, but distance puts a serious strain on relationships. In the first they had been together for years before he moved to grad school, in the second they had only been together for a month but had been friends for a year.

LeAnn Beeler

Is it scary? Yes. Is it doable? Yes. Beginning in August I will be moving three hours from my partner to start my Ph.D. work. We have been together 5 years and we have had various short term separations related to business travel, but nothing like this will be. I am scared and worried, but my partner made it clear that she isn't going anywhere.

My best advice - avoid it! Honestly, if you're going to go into academia, you'll have to move wherever you can get a job. That is the reality, especially if you want tenure track at some point. Your partner is going to have to move with you and possibly sacrifice their career in order to do this unless they work in a field that is easily transferrable. My husband's a prof. My career isn't really great where we live which is why I am going back to grad school

Just curious, but you say that one person or the other usually has to sacrifice their career because you have to move where you get a job...what are you planning on doing with your husband? How do 2 academics make it work?

Haha, this is the reason I decided to change fields. My ultimate goal is to get some adjunct work or even research work at his/our current university. If I were to get a TT position there, great, but it is unlikely. I don't think we would actively pursue spousal hire positions elsewhere, but who knows.

Most of the academic couples we know have either managed a spousal hire (usually one spouse doesn't have TT) or the spouse does adjunct.

We were in a similar field up until now, so this is why I am changing. Our uni doesn't often do spousal hires within the faculty and I've applied for teaching positions there (and been passed over). I don't want to wait forever for something that probably won't materialize, so I have decided to make a change.

The thing for me is that I want to keep my current very part time job within my field (it's tenured) while also doing something new - academia is one of the few options that would allow this.

Does that answer your question?

• 3 weeks later...

rockandroll

Here's my experience: I was accepted into three master's programs last month. All were equally good schools. One offered me full funding, but would require me to move very far away from my boyfriend and everyone else that I know. My boyfriend had initially said that he would move with me wherever I went, but as it turned out, there wasn't a single job in his area of expertise in the entire area surrounding the school. So I was essentially left to choose between a school that would do anything to get me to go there and which was a great fit for me, but which would require me to leave behind everyone that I know, including my boyfriend; and a school in my area that had everything that I was looking for, but which couldn't offer me full funding and wasn't as wonderful a fit- but it would allow me to maintain all of the important relationships that I gained in college. After a few weeks of intense emotional turmoil while I was trying to decide (read: me bursting into tears at the thought of having to turn down any of these schools), I realized that while my education and career are an enormously important part of my life, so are my relationships and friendships. I had to ask myself if I would really be happy if I gave up everything that I like about my life in order to attend a school just because they were giving me a full scholarship, and I think I'm realizing that I wouldn't be happy with that. I haven't committed 100% to any school, but I'm meeting with my potential advisor at the school in my area on Friday to make sure that I could adapt the program to my needs if I chose to attend, and it seems like they want me badly enough and believe in my rightness for the program enough that they'll be willing to accommodate my interests.

It's all about priorities and being honest with yourself. If you won't be happy unless you pursue this particular opportunity, then you need to do that, and it is possible to make a long-distance relationship work if you and your boyfriend are both on the same page and are equally committed to making it work. However, not having him there will make a huge difference in your daily life, and in your relationship, and it's important to be realistic about that fact. It is possible that you could be sacrificing your relationship for this opportunity, because distance places so much strain on everything, and so you really need to figure out what is most essential to your happiness in the long run. I'm lucky to have several options to choose from, and I think I'm going to go with the one that involves the least amount of sacrifice, but which I can also customize to fit my needs. Maybe there's an in-between for you too.

dimanche0829

You are obviously aware that the distance has the potential to wreak havoc on your relationship, and have already indicated in your post that you have no intention of breaking things off with him, so I'm not going to give you the usual "don't do it" bit.

First, you need to know and believe that it's totally possible to survive a long distance relationship; I did it myself for several years and am now engaged. It's obviously difficult and emotionally taxing, but if you go into a LDR with doubts, or constantly question whether or not you'll be together in the end, that negativity will slowly seep into the foundation of your relationship and it will fester. Don't even bother thinking about what may or may not be 5-6 years from now; you're not Miss Cleo and you'll only drive yourself crazy trying to predict the future. Keep focused on your relationship in the present--enjoy it for what it is now, and nurture it now to enjoy it later. It really is that simple.

You also need to communicate. A lot. No matter how much work I had on my plate, 11:00p.m-1:00a.m each night was reserved for my guy. The scheduled conversations not only gave me something to look forward to each day, but it also helped me keep focused on my studies because I knew that I needed to finish my daily tasks by a certain time. We obviously didn't restrict ourselves only to this time frame--things do come up every now and then--but we tried to stick with it as much as possible. Sometimes, we would plan to do the same activity, such as watch the same movie, or read the same book, so that we could keep our conversations fresh and interesting. This also helped to detract attention away from the fact that we couldn't be together.

Speaking of communication, be self-aware, flexible, and forgiving. Miscommunications are bound to happen when your only means of connecting is through e-mail, phone, skype, etc, and it is all the more easy to allow that miscommunication to turn into a lover's quarrel. Be aware of your words, and always keep in mind that the LDR is difficult on BOTH of you, not just you, so do what you can to also understand your partner's needs. Remember: we all want to be right, but the only way to have two winners is to compromise.

Visit often, and just enough. The first days of a visit are awesome. The last day sucks. The last day can suck a little bit less if you know when your next visit will be. Plan your visits so that you can see your partner regularly, but don't go broke or sacrifice your grades as a result. My partner was on the west coast while I attended school on the east coast, so tickets were several hundred dollars each visit. I tried to visit once a month, which worked out pretty well for us. There was one semester that I wasn't able to go home at all until the end of the term, though. That was a really, really, tough semester to get through.

Be committed. This is a no brainer, but you both need to be on the same page and committed to the relationship. Discuss, set, and mutually agree upon the rules and expectations for your relationship before you leave.

Lastly, be mentally prepared for the possibility that this may not work out. Every relationship has the potential to fail, but the added stress of LDRs inreases the likelihood. If you're going to go forward with an LDR, you need to understand and accept that your partner (or you) can walk away from the relationship at any time, for any reason. There is no way that you can prepare for this, and there is no way for you to know whether or not this will happen to you. But the sooner you accept the risk, the sooner you can get on with enjoying the relationship for what it currently is (this goes hand-in-hand with my first suggestion).

• -hermes- , lm0324 , pianocognition and 10 others

I am a year older than my gf, and graduating a year sooner. She will be abroad in Asia next semester then when she graduates, she will be in the military so my going abroad for a 3 year PhD program won't really be that much of an issue, as there would not be much visiting happening any way.

We have also been going out for 2.5 years and visit each other about once a month if lucky, and usually do not see one another during the summer.

We have both talked about what will happen and neither of us expect to see the other for the first year, since it will be her sr year and my first year at the PhD program (read: no sleep, no friends). The next two years would depend on where she was stationed, and if we decided to get a courthouse wedding for the spousal benefits and location.

Thank you for that, dimanche

The only people I know who made it through a long distance relationship did exactly what dimanche suggested above -- regular, scheduled time set aside to communicate, and regular enough visits that when one ends, you know exactly when the next one will be. The people I know also said that visiting each other really early in the "separation" is very important so that both of you know what it's like to live where the other person is living. I've heard that it's easier to feel connected to them and their life if you can visualize their environment even though you are not physically there.

But everyone I know who made it through a LDR had a well-defined separation time (i.e. they knew they would be back together in a certain time, e.g. 1 year). It's hard in academia because as others said, the job dictates where you will move. It will make it much easier if you commit to living in the same place after your graduate program, no matter what. But this means that one of you probably will have to compromise or sacrifice part of their career in order to do so. Are you okay with taking a job in Denver that may not require PhD level skills? Is your boyfriend okay with moving with you to wherever you do get a job and giving up his lab job in Denver? Are you both of you okay with knowing that the other has given up something they wanted to be with you?

I've had friends who have made the long distance thing work, but when they finally were together again (in a more permanent set-up),

things were somehow 'different'... I suppose, as has been said, it depends largely on the couple.

I am so grateful and relieved that my partner and I were placed within 20 minutes of each other - and I only applied to

my school randomly at the very last minute, they were literally about to meet to start discussing applicants!

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• CAREER COLUMN
• 29 April 2021
• Correction 18 May 2021

How we embarked on a long-distance relationship on behalf of our research career

• Gidiane Scaratti 0 &
• Rafael Kenji Nishihora 1

Gidiane Scaratti is a postdoctoral researcher at the National Institute of Technology in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil.

You can also search for this author in PubMed   Google Scholar

Rafael Kenji Nishihora is a postdoctoral researcher at the Federal University of ABC in São Paulo, Brazil.

We are Brazilian chemical engineers interested in research careers in academia or industry. Because we’ve chosen these careers, we have spent approximately three years of our eight-year relationship far apart from each other.

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Correction 18 May 2021 : An earlier version of this story gave the wrong years for when Gidiane Scaratti and Rafael Kenji Nishihora earned their PhDs.

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Dating a Medical Student: Long Distance Relationship Guide & Tips

Love knows no distance.

In the world of dating, long-distance relationships can be a challenge. But when dating a medical student, the stakes are even higher. With their demanding schedules and intense study sessions, it's no wonder that medical students struggle to maintain their romantic relationships. But don't worry! With the right mindset and approach, your love can thrive despite the distance. In this article, we'll share our ultimate guide to dating a medical student in a long-distance relationship. So buckle up and get ready for some top-notch advice on keeping the love alive.

1. Understand Their Schedule

Medical students are known for their hectic schedules. They have classes, labs, and clinical rotations, which can take up a significant portion of their day. To make the most of your long-distance relationship, it's important to understand their schedule and be flexible with your own. This means being okay with spontaneous calls or texts when they have free time and not getting upset if they have to cancel a planned chat.

Pro Tip : Keep a shared calendar with your medical student partner where they can mark important dates, exams, and rotations. This will help you stay in the loop and understand when they're under extra stress.

2. Communication is Key

In any long-distance relationship, communication is crucial. For medical students, this is even more important. With their limited free time, it's essential to make the most of the moments you have together. Set up regular video calls, send thoughtful texts, and share updates about your day.

Pro Tip: Use voice notes or video messages to share updates about your day when you can't chat in real-time. This allows your partner to listen or watch when they have a spare moment.

3. Be Patient & Understanding

Patience is a virtue, especially when dating a medical student in a long-distance relationship. Their time is often stretched thin, and they may not always be able to give you the attention you desire. It's important to be understanding and patient during these times, recognizing that their dedication to their studies is ultimately for the betterment of your future together.

Pro Tip: Remember that your partner's medical education is temporary. Focus on the long-term benefits of their hard work and perseverance.

4. Establish Relationship Goals & Expectations

To navigate the challenges of a long-distance relationship with a medical student, it's essential to establish clear goals and expectations. Discuss your future plans, how often you'd like to communicate, and what you both need to feel supported and loved. Having a shared vision can help strengthen your connection and guide you through the ups and downs of a long-distance romance.

Pro Tip: Schedule regular "relationship check-ins" where you discuss your goals, expectations, and any concerns or challenges you're facing. This will help you stay on the same page and tackle any issues together.

5. Plan Visits & Make Memories

Physical presence is important in any relationship, and medical students are no exception. Whenever possible, plan visits to see each other in person. This not only helps maintain a strong emotional connection but also creates precious memories you can cherish during the times you're apart.

Pro Tip: Surprise your partner with an unexpected visit during a particularly stressful exam period. The extra support and love can provide the perfect boost they need to push through.

6. Stay Independent & Pursue Your Own Interests

While it's essential to be emotionally invested in your long-distance relationship, it's also important to maintain your independence and pursue your own interests. Engaging in hobbies, maintaining friendships, and focusing on your career will not only keep you fulfilled but also make your relationship stronger. A well-rounded and content individual is more likely to contribute positively to a relationship.

Pro Tip: Share your personal achievements and interests with your medical student partner. This not only helps you stay connected but also encourages them to engage in their own hobbies and self-care.

7. Trust & Honesty: The Foundation of Your Relationship

Trust and honesty are the cornerstones of any successful long-distance relationship. Without them, doubts and insecurities can quickly take over. Keep the lines of communication open and be transparent about your feelings, fears, and concerns. This level of openness will help you build a solid foundation of trust that can weather any storm.

Pro Tip: If you're feeling insecure or worried about your relationship, talk to your partner and express your feelings. They may be able to provide reassurance or suggest ways to strengthen your bond.

8. Embrace Technology

Technology has revolutionized long-distance relationships, making it easier than ever to stay connected with your medical student partner. Utilize video calls, messaging apps, and social media to keep in touch and share your lives with each other. There are even apps designed specifically for long-distance couples, such as Couple, Between, and Happy Couple, which can help you stay close and maintain intimacy.

Pro Tip: Schedule virtual date nights, where you watch a movie together, play online games, or even cook the same meal while on a video call. This can help recreate the feeling of being together despite the distance.

9. Support Their Self-Care & Mental Health

Medical school can be incredibly stressful, and the pressures of maintaining a long-distance relationship can add to that stress. Encourage your partner to prioritize their self-care and mental health. Offer a listening ear, provide emotional support, and remind them to take breaks when needed.

Pro Tip: Surprise your partner with a care package filled with their favorite treats, self-care items, or study aids. This thoughtful gesture can go a long way in providing comfort and support during their challenging journey.

10. Celebrate Milestones & Achievements

Medical school is full of milestones, from passing exams to completing rotations. Be sure to celebrate these achievements with your partner, even if you're miles apart. Acknowledging their hard work and dedication can help motivate them to continue striving for success while also showing them you're invested in their journey.

Pro Tip: Create a tradition for celebrating milestones, such as sending a special gift or card, having a video call party, or planning a future visit. This can help make these moments even more memorable.

Conclusion: Love Will Find a Way

Dating a medical student in a long-distance relationship may not always be easy, but with patience, understanding, and commitment, it can be a beautiful and fulfilling experience. By following these tips and maintaining open communication, you can build a strong and lasting connection that will stand the test of time.

Remember, the journey of medical school is temporary, and the rewards are well worth the effort. So, keep supporting each other, cherish the moments you have together, and trust that love will find a way.

A different kind of long-distance relationship

Tips on how to make remote advising work for you

April 13, 2020 | Anonymous St.

Now that we’re working from home and many of us have relocated from campus, maintaining effective communication with our advisors remotely presents an additional stressor (on top of trying not to catch coronavirus). But some of us are already well-acquainted with the joys of skyping in sweatpants and rolling out of bed ten minutes before a group meeting. I was remotely advised for about half of my PhD, so I wanted to share some tips on how to make the most of a long-distance advising relationship. Advising relationships are already a tricky subject for a lot of grad students, and when it’s taking place online, communication can be even more difficult. So here are some things that I found were most important for online advising success.

Schedule and communicate effectively

One of the biggest challenges with remote advising is staying in touch with your advisor and being able to get the guidance you need when you need it. This can be difficult in person and even harder online – there are no doors to knock on or labs to pop into. My advisor and I scheduled recurring check-in meetings, and we found that this was a good way to make sure they were up to date on my work.

That being said, just because a meeting is scheduled does not mean it will happen. So, communication is essential, and reminders can go a long way. It can be stressful to just send an email reminder because it might feel like you’re bothering your advisor, so what I would do is send an email the night before a meeting with a brief update or some slides I wanted to discuss. That way, it looks like your email has a purpose but also serves as a reminder.

Design your slides for a distracted audience

I found explaining research results to be much more difficult online than in person – there’s just something about a face-to-face conversation that facilitates communication of ideas. What ended up working for me was to put everything I wanted to say on my slides;  that way, my advisor did not need to rely as much on my narration. This approach was initially counterintuitive to me because I had learned to not overload slides and to represent things simply. However, this general slide design advice relies on being able to seamlessly communicate with your audience, which doesn’t always happen in online meetings. I also usually wrote out everything I planned to say in the notes section of the slides. I found it easier to get distracted in online meetings, so if I lost my train of thought, I would be able to look at my summary notes and get back on track. It also seemed like my advisor had trouble staying focused during online meetings, so the slide summaries were probably useful for them too.

Look out for your labmates and advocate for each other

If you can’t get in touch with your advisor, check whether any of your labmates have heard from them recently, and ask a labmate who has an upcoming meeting to casually mention your existence. Similarly, if you have a meeting coming up, offer to pass along any messages from your labmates or to remind your advisor that others are waiting for a reply. Since you’re all working for the same advisor, you are each other’s best support system.

Take advantage of the flexibility

There are definitely advantages to remote advising, even besides being able to have meetings from your bed. When you’re working from home, your work hours can be whatever you want them to be, as long as you get your work done! Some grad students already have arrangements like this, but for those who don’t, now is a great time to take advantage of the flexibility. Although coronavirus is severely limiting what we can do with that flexibility, we still have plenty of control over our work schedule. You can also take more time for self care during the day, since we’re in the middle of a pretty stressful time.

When I found out that I would be in a remote advising situation for a big chunk of my PhD, I was initially skeptical. But I made it out, and having a virtual advisor ended up being one of the best things that happened to me in grad school! I had more freedom to design my daily schedule and work on personal projects that led me to discover new passions, while still meeting my advisor’s expectations. Hopefully this quarantine will end soon, but until then, have fun going to meetings in your pajamas!

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Home > Graduate Studies > Electronic Theses and Dissertations > 243

Electronic Theses and Dissertations

Personal and perceived partner commitment and trust as predictors of relationship satisfaction in long-distance and proximally close dating relationships of graduate students.

Camille C. Gonzalez , University of Denver Follow

Date of Award

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Dissertation

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Morgridge College of Education

First Advisor

Cynthia McRae, Ph.D.

Second Advisor

Scott Stanley

Third Advisor

Fourth advisor.

Lawrence Conyers

Dating, Graduate, Long-distance, Proximally close, Relationships, Students

The objective of the current study was to examine Relationship Satisfaction, Personal Commitment and Trust, and Perceived Partner Commitment and Trust among long-distance and proximally close dating relationships of graduate students. The sample included graduate students in long-distance and proximally close dating relationships. The study found that Perceived Partner Commitment significantly predicted Personal Trust over and beyond Personal Commitment. Study results also indicate that Personal Commitment and Personal Trust significantly predicted Relationship Satisfaction, but that, Perceived Partner Commitment did not. Results also indicated that participants in short-term long-distance relationships reported higher levels of Personal Commitment than participants in long-term long-distance relationships. Results indicated there was no difference in Commitment based on which partner traveled more. Finally, for long distance participants, Visits Per Year (face-to-face contact) was not related to Personal Commitment, Personal Trust, Perceived Partner Commitment or Perceived Partner Trust. Future research examining the differences between long-distance and proximally close dating relationships, larger sample sizes, and random samples will help to contribute to the little that is known about these unique relationships.

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Camille Gonzalez

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Gonzalez, Camille C., "Personal and Perceived Partner Commitment and Trust as Predictors of Relationship Satisfaction in Long-Distance and Proximally Close Dating Relationships of Graduate Students" (2011). Electronic Theses and Dissertations . 243. https://digitalcommons.du.edu/etd/243

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Long-distance dating relationships among college students : the benefits and drawbacks of using technology

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The Great Read The Modern Love Issue

Online Dating After 50 Can Be Miserable. But It’s Also Liberating.

You know so much more about yourself and your desires when you’re older that dating apps — even with all their frustrations — can bring unanticipated pleasure.

Credit... Illustration by Sophi Miyoko Gullbrants

Supported by

By Maggie Jones

Maggie Jones previously wrote a feature about sex after 70 for the magazine. She is herself in the over-50 dating demographic.

• Published April 15, 2024 Updated April 16, 2024

When my marriage collapsed after 23 years, I was devastated and overwhelmed. I was in my 50s, with two jobs, two teenage daughters, one dog. I didn’t consider dating. I had no time, no emotional energy. But then a year passed. One daughter was off at college, the other increasingly independent. After several more months went by, I started to feel a sliver of curiosity about what kind of men were out there and how it would feel to date again. The last time I dated was 25 years ago, and even then, I fell into relationships mostly with guys from high school, college, parties, work. Now every man I knew was either married, too young, too old or otherwise not a good fit.

Listen to this article, read by Gabra Zackman

That meant online dating — the default mode not just for the young but also for people my age. My only exposure had been watching my oldest daughter, home from college one summer as she sat on her bed rapidly swiping through guy after guy — spending no more than a second or two on each. “Wait,” I kept saying. “Slow down. How do you know? What’s wrong with him? Or him?”

Soon enough, I signed onto Match, and then the dating apps Bumble and Hinge. And over the past 18 months, I’ve felt waves of excitement, hope, frustration, boredom, discouragement. I’ve gone on great and not-so-great dates, had relationships and ended them, paused and restarted apps, over and over again.

Online dating is a mixed bag for most people — queer, hetero, nonbinary. Plenty of them do find love, including on their very first match. But many of us have to swim through a dispiriting sea of hundreds of people, most of whom we are unlikely to ever want to date. That includes profiles that are fake, created by scammers to try to lure private information from users. And while most profiles are real, sometimes their photos are not so much: More than one person told me that photos can be so outdated or filtered that they barely recognized their date when they met. And the writing is often littered with clichés. “Looking for a partner in crime.” “I will make you laugh.” “I live life to the fullest.” Then there’s the irritating experience of seeing the people you already declined pop up again and again and again.

As tough as the process can be, older women have it worse than most. They report more negative online-dating experiences compared with men of all ages and younger women, according to a Pew Center for Research study. That may in part be because of their dearth of choices. The pool of men narrows with time: Men’s life expectancy is seven years shorter than women’s.

Then there’s the reality that men tend to date younger women — a desire that online dating makes vividly quantifiable. In a 2018 study, researchers analyzed anonymized message exchanges between more than 186,000 straight men and women from a “public and large” online-dating platform (researchers didn’t name which one). Women get the most attention from men (measured by the number of first messages a person receives) when they are 18. Yes, 18, when they have barely crossed into adulthood, if you consider 18 an adult. (It’s also the first year they are legally allowed to even be on most dating sites.) It’s downhill from there. The study, by Elizabeth Bruch, a sociology professor, and Mark Newman, a physics professor, both at the University of Michigan, didn’t even include people older than 65. Men’s desirability, in contrast, peaks more than three decades later, at around age 50 (when women have become increasingly invisible). And although women prefer men with advanced degrees, men desire women who don’t go beyond college.

But as I learned over the last several months talking to more than three dozen people about online dating among older Americans like me, that's only part of the story. Researchers, along with people I interviewed who have been on the apps, suggested something more complex and nuanced about dating in the older years. By which I mean there may be reason for optimism.

One Wednesday afternoon over Zoom from her living room in Manhattan, the anthropologist Helen Fisher, author of “Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage and Why We Stray,” told me she is hopeful about online dating as you age. “Despite the stereotypes, older women are not desperate.”

Fisher, who studies romantic relationships and dating, is a senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute and chief scientific adviser to Match. For the past 13 years, along with the Kinsey Institute’s executive director, Justin Garcia, she has collaborated with Match to create and analyze annual, nationally representative surveys of roughly 5,000 single people about their romantic lives . When it comes to sexual attraction, Fisher, who is 78, says, “The older you get, the pickier you get.” In one Match survey, people over 60 were more likely than younger people to insist on initial sexual chemistry for a long-term relationship, perhaps in part, Fisher says, because when you don’t have to choose a partner who will be a good parent or help provide a secure home, you can focus on different desires.

There’s also less pressure to marry the second time around. Only 15 percent of previously married women say they want to do it again, according to a Pew study. (The other 85 percent either didn’t want to or weren’t sure.) That’s half the portion of men who want to remarry. Michael Rosenfeld, a sociologist at Stanford University whose research areas include “mating and dating and the internet’s effect on society,” says the discrepancy is partly because, as numerous studies confirm, women tend to be less satisfied in heterosexual marriage. Some women, as he put it, “are just tired of the ups and downs of relationships and have promised themselves they won’t do it again.”

Men, by contrast, have narrower social circles and emotional friendships than women do. Without a partner, they can feel more adrift and remarry quickly. One man I talked to, who asked me to identify him by his middle initial, H., is in his late 50s and divorced and has seen this among men his age. “Men are not confident in their ability to be alone — emotionally, keeping a social calendar, getting meals on the table. A lot of them need to be taken care of.”

That need can be on blatant display in dating apps. It’s what Jennie Young, a professor of English and women and gender studies at University of Wisconsin-Green Bay, calls the “Are you my mother?” problem. In a Facebook post, she used the example of a man answering the online-dating prompt “We’ll get along if ...” by writing, “You feed me” and are “more mature than I ... lol.”

Young, who wrote her dissertation in applied rhetoric, teaches a class for undergraduates called “The Rhetoric of Dating and Intimacy.” She argues that older women are more selective about dating: “Our hormones are shifting, we have zero tolerance, especially those of us who have been on our own and don’t feel we need a man to provide for us.”

Still, Young, who is 53 and divorced herself, wants to improve the dating experience for women and nonbinary people by helping them learn how to interpret dating language. It’s one way older women can catch up to Gen Z women “who are better versed in online rhetoric,” Young says. Older women were already partnered when online dating began and “missed the dating-app revolution.”

Young and I bonded, as I did with other women, over our shared exasperation with so many men’s profiles — filled with selfies at the gym in which they were holding dumbbells and flexing, or in bathroom mirrors, sometimes with urinals behind them (one woman told me about a bathroom pic with a bra dangling from the shower rod). And the fish! So many men holding fish — either because fishing is a favorite hobby or a display of masculinity (or both), who knows.

On Instagram, Young recently posted two common rhetorical approaches: “disciplinary/directive” (“be feminine”; “no baggage”) and “I dare you” (“message me if you think you can handle it”; “I say no 99 percent of the time”). She cited an example in which a man combined the two by saying: “Understand this is a dating site you joined to meet someone, not to text to death lol. If you want to meet me, act like it. I’ll know you are serious when I get your number.”

For Young, trying to figure out how to date better and more efficiently started one night three years ago, when she was feeling “pitiful” about her own experiences online, rife with misogyny and “clichéd nonsense.” She did a Google search for “How do you find a needle in a haystack?” The answer: Burn the haystack to the ground. Only the metal needle will remain.

She decided to try it as a dating method. Instead of widening her filters and her tastes, which some dating advisers suggest, she became choosier about men and their styles of communication. She responded only if they sent her a clear, personalized message. And if she wasn’t interested in a man, she didn’t just swipe left or X out his profile; she “blocked” or “removed” him (which isn’t the same as “reporting” someone for inappropriate behavior). The goal was to prevent further messages and reduce the odds those men would reappear in her feed and waste more of her time.

She also revised her profile to “repel” some men while, she hoped, drawing those who were better matches. To that end, she wrote a Top 10 list of her dating rules, which included no hookups and no messages of “Hey,” “You up?” or “What’s up?” And no 55-year-old man who says he “wants kids someday.” She also posted what she likes to do — bike, hike, write humor (emphasizing that, while it’s common to say a version of “I’m funny” in profiles, she has actually published satire). She ended with: “I can’t be attracted to anyone who doesn’t know their homonyms. I’m sorry.”

She conceded the last line might sound elitist, but it was accurate. In the next five days, while fewer men “liked” her, the ones who did suited her more, including a man named Scott who commented: “Hey (sorry, couldn’t resist). This is hands-down the best profile I have ever read, which, if we’re being honest, probably isn’t saying much considering the majority of the profiles out there, but it’s definitely something.” Scott soon became her partner for more than two years.

Young credited her method for her successful match, and last year she started a Facebook group called the Burned Haystack Dating Method, which now has about 50,000 followers. (She also has an Instagram account where she dispenses advice.) As she wrote in one article about the strategy, “Dating is a numbers game, but the typical goal — to be widely appealing and meet as many men as possible — is wasting women’s time and leaving us frustrated and demoralized.”

At first, she mostly drew followers in their 40s, 50s and older, but increasingly younger women have joined. She advises women to be businesslike in their approach. Check apps no more than twice a day. Make sure your language is specific. No “I love to laugh” — who doesn’t love to laugh? If you want to get married again, she says, don’t be afraid to say so. And no need to play the “cool girl” who pretends she likes whatever men like, has no demands, never gets angry and is up for sex in whatever way a guy wants it.

People in older age tend to be generally freer of expectations in dating and relationships. The assumption that you will merge households declines. If parents or your community pushed you to marry a certain type of person in your 20s — because of religion, socioeconomic status, profession, race, sexuality, gender — that pressure may have dissipated or vanished.

Indeed, several women, hetero and queer, told me that while they want love and long-term relationships, they can’t imagine returning to commingling finances or giving up their space — their condo, apartment or house — after years of living on their own. Some are purposefully going slower in love now. “I don’t need to be attached at the hip anymore,” says Louisa Castner, a lesbian, divorced woman, referring to the enmeshment she felt in her previous relationships. Years ago, Helen Fisher briefly dated a man who was smart and interesting and lived across the country from her. “Was I going to move from New York City, away from my friends?” she says. “It wasn’t worth it to me.” She did eventually marry the writer John Tierney three years ago. He is seven years younger than she is. They are in what is known as a “living apart together” relationship. She is in the same Manhattan apartment she has lived in for 28 years. He is in the Bronx. They talk every day and see each other most evenings. Other nights she is typically out with her female friends, whom she has known far longer than her husband. And at the end of those evenings, she climbs into her own bed.

When I first started dating online, it felt as if a fire hydrant had opened — men appearing across my feed from different geographic areas, of different ages, races, professions. Since then, I have gone on dates and been in relationships with men who are smart, kind, funny and irreverent and who have lived in Maine, Boston, New York City, Ohio — which means I never would have met them without the apps. Dating beyond where I live is also possible because I occasionally go on the road for work, no longer have small children and can afford some travel.

H. also started dating, near and far, after his divorce. He was 51, around the peak of men’s online-dating popularity. His feed filled with women: Some were highly educated and others less so; some were his age and plenty two decades younger. They were nurses, teachers, librarians, women with jobs in marketing and P.R., none of whom he ever would have met through friends or work. H. was enamored with the seemingly endless possibilities. During his most intense dating weekends, he would have a couple of brunches, afternoon walks, drinks at 5 p.m. with one woman and drinks with another at 8. He paid for it all, unless he knew there would be no second date and the woman offered to split the bill. Some weeks he had 15 dates. “I was saying yes, yes, yes,” he told me.

After a month, he was overwhelmed, disillusioned, filled with too much coffee, alcohol and scrambled eggs and too many conversations in which he felt no connection. He paused all his apps and regrouped. Attraction mattered, sure, but he wanted women who were educated, successful and enthusiastic, and also women who were mothers (so they could share parenting experiences) and lived reasonably close by. And although he started off dating women who were more than 10 years younger — in a couple of cases more than 15 — too often he had little in common with them and struggled to have substantive conversations. So he narrowed his age window: eight years younger and three years older. Now, at 57, with his own kids in college, he is clear he wants a partner with whom he can share the same life stage, interests and living styles. (Toward the end of my reporting, he restarted a relationship and moved in with a woman he met years ago through online dating, two states away from him. Love doesn’t always stick to our dating rules.)

H. and many people I interviewed said that this time around, they were looking for different qualities in a partner. Some told me they want a person who is more positive and less anxious. Others long for a partner who is less of a workaholic or who cares more about their work. Or, after being married to someone with a very different temperament, they want a person more like them. After years in therapy, they want a partner more emotionally intelligent and sensitive. Or they have chosen a less materialistic life after decades with someone who relished big houses filled with possessions.

When Francine Russo, who has been widowed twice and is now in her late 70s, began online dating (she met her second husband that way and her current partner of eight years), she initially wanted men who had the same level of education and were as financially comfortable as she was. Over time, she realized she would miss out on men who were devoted to artistic careers or who had low-paying but meaningful jobs. “Who cares if he can’t afford the same restaurants you like?” says Russo, who is the author of “Love After 50: How to Find It, Enjoy It and Keep It.” People say, “ ‘I don’t want to settle,’” she told me. “But if you have someone who adores you and wants to hear about your day but doesn’t have a fancy degree or a lot of money, I don’t consider that settling.”

She also argues that older people are better at dealing with dating rejection. “There’s disappointment, but if someone doesn’t want a fourth date with you, you’ve survived far worse than that. A week, a month from now, it won’t matter.” In her book, she quotes a therapist who talks about “catch and release” relationships. We get more skilled at sorting the good fit from the bad fit. And we let people go faster.

John, who is 65 and lives in Western Massachusetts, did a lot of catching and releasing in his late 50s, because he didn’t get to do it when he was younger: By his early 20s, he was living with the woman he eventually married. In his first months of dating, he met women who lived nearby, where he grew up. But he quickly realized he didn’t want the familiar: He knew where they shopped, the books they were reading, where they went to school. In comparison, dating women in more far-flung areas, with backgrounds very different from his, was “totally exotic.”

As a successful painter, he had a flexible schedule, and he had enough money to plan weekend-long trips to Boston and New York City to meet women, setting up multiple dates over a couple of days, something he couldn’t afford to do in his 20s. His method flew in the face of lots of dating advice: He chose women based on photos and paid less attention to what they wrote. “The profile was just a way to sit across from someone and have a conversation,” says John, who approached the entire endeavor with curiosity. “For me it was: Can I learn something here? Is there something new for me?”

Some describe their sex experiences after marriage as the most expansive of their lives.

When he was 61, he sublet an apartment in New York City for a couple of months to make and see art, to date, to be near his adult children. Just before he arrived, he matched with a woman named Elizabeth, who was 57. Unlike John, Elizabeth had a dating system. Like several women and men I talked to, she listed her age as several years younger than she was to widen the dating pool. And she wasn’t interested in anyone beyond Manhattan and Brooklyn. When she matched with someone, she messaged only a few times on the site before suggesting a phone call. She passed on men who hadn’t been married or in long-term relationships. “The guys in their late 50s, with serial girlfriends their whole lives? I mean, come on: No.” Some didn’t make it past the phone call. “I’m sorry,” she would say, “I don’t think we’re a match,” at which point one man started cursing at her and called her a bitch.

Of the roughly two dozen men she did date over two years, most were lawyers or business professionals. But then John “liked” her on an app. She was attracted to him and impressed by his educational background. They talked on the phone and made plans for a drink with, as Elizabeth told him, the possibility of dinner. (They had dinner.) She liked how funny and positive he was. He was taken with her — she was beautiful, successful, strong-willed. “We would have never crossed paths,” Elizabeth says. “No one would have set us up.” The lifelong New Yorker, who didn’t want to get involved with men much beyond her borough, ended up moving to Massachusetts during the pandemic, just months after their first date. They married in September 2021, at an inn not far from where they now live.

For the last several months, I’ve gotten together with a group of friends, women mostly in their 50s and separated or divorced, dating for the first time in decades. When we aren’t talking about work, divorce and kids, some in the group pass around their phones with profiles of men they’re dating or might be interested in (in one case, two people matched with the same guy). We discuss the vicissitudes of dating and relationships — local and long distance — and what and who we want. Always, in some way, the conversation comes around to sex. Some describe their sex experiences after marriage as the most expansive of their lives. After one woman divorced, she set her online age parameters for men down to their 20s and 30s with the intention of having flings. She made sure they lived in a different neighborhood, so she could separate her hookups from the rest of her life. (She is now in a relationship with a man about her age.) Another woman, who has spent several months dating widely, was trying a nonmonogamous relationship for the first time and toying with bisexuality and threeways. She wasn’t clear where she would land, but she was open to possibilities.

Men, too, told me sex and dating post-50 have been an evolving experience. In his 20s, “any sex was good sex,” H. says. But now he aspires to what the sex-advice columnist and podcaster Dan Savage calls “GGG,” or good, giving and game. As Savage puts it: “good in bed, giving of pleasure and game for anything — within reason .” It can be a tricky concept to convey on dating apps (though not on the app Feeld, where talk about sex is expected and GGG is among the desires people can choose). “If you are a guy who puts GGG on your profile, women may think you are a creep,” H. told me. Instead, he waits to talk about sex in person, often broadly broaching the subject during the first date if it’s going well. “I want to convey that I’m looking for someone who is sensual and cares about sex and that I’m the same way.” Other people told me they talk more openly about sex, because bodies change. Men have increased erectile dysfunction; women often need more lubrication or sex toys and sometimes experience pain with intercourse.

“I didn’t know myself,” says a woman named Theresa, referring to her 20s and 30s. “And I definitely didn’t know my body in the same way.” Theresa, who is in her early 50s and lives on the West Coast, never masturbated until late in her marriage. “I got my first dildo at 40 and discovered multiple orgasms. Where has this been all my life?”

Everyone, she says, “does that exchange in dating where they talk about their marriage. I always say I’ve been divorced on paper five years, but longer emotionally and physically.” Within a couple of dates, Theresa, who a friend refers to as an “online dating queen” because she has gone on more than 100 first dates in five years, tells men about her experience with masturbation and orgasms. “It’s part of my story,” she says. She also talks about what she learned from a therapist who counseled her and her ex-husband that sex is more than penetration. “I want to be having intimacy in my 80s,” she says. “It’s also about cuddling naked, skin-to-skin contact.” What she is looking for isn’t novelty but the harder stuff, as she puts it: “being open and vulnerable.”

In one Match survey, single people over 60 reported having more frequent orgasms than younger single people. And they are the least likely age group to fake orgasms. They also tend to be communicative: 57 percent said they feel comfortable asking their partner for exactly what they want in sex. That ease and honesty may be related to the fact that people grow more confident and happy in their 60s, according to multiple studies. Which is not to say everyone wants the same kind of sex — or any sex at all. “I want tenderness,” Deborah, who is in her 60s, told me. “I don’t care how intense sex is. I’m looking for a good person.”

Sophia Chang, who is 58, the author of the memoir “The Baddest Bitch in the Room” and the founder of a professional mentorship program for women of color in New York, definitely wants the intensity. “But I get very little play compared to my friends who are a decade younger than me,” she says of online dating. She assumes if a man from a dating app is texting her, he is doing the same with at least five other women. Plenty have asked her for nude selfies. And she suspects that people who claim to be ethically nonmonogamous are often just cheating on their partners. “I don’t do messy,” she says.

When her relationship with the father of her children ended, she was 43 and felt done with sex. But in her 50s, after a relationship with a man who encouraged her to be more sexually open, Chang felt increasingly libidinous. She also became an empty nester, giving her freedom, including with her sexuality. “Younger men tell me that what they like about older women is they know their bodies and ask for what they want.”

Last year, she joined two dating apps where, when she matches with a man, she moves quickly from texts to phone calls or FaceTime. (When we last talked, she told me that week she had gone from matching with a man on an app, to texting, to FaceTime, to meeting outdoors and then having sex in the space of 12 hours.) On the phone she is frank: “Can you tell me what you like and what you don’t like, and I’ll do same?” Then she details some of her desires and sexual kinks and her boundaries, including no unprotected sex. Sometimes after connecting, men ask to come over immediately to have sex. “Excuse me,” Chang told me she says. “I have a safety accountability practice. I tell them I need to send their photo, full name and phone number to a friend. That is where some men push back hard.”

Until she finds the right matches, she continues to unabashedly audition men who connect with her on dating apps. At her age, she, like many women I spoke to, has a better sense of who she is and what she desires, and sees no point in hiding it. “If I bat my eyes, I could get further. But for what?” There’s no sense in wasting time when life is growing too short.

Maggie Jones is a contributing writer for the magazine and teaches writing at the University of Pittsburgh. She has been a Nieman fellow at Harvard and a senior Ochberg fellow at the Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma.

Read by Gabra Zackman

Narration produced by Anna Dimond ,  Emma Kehlbeck and Krish Seenivasan

Engineered by Ted Blaisdell

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