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Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli

103 hilarious and serious essays. some of these are funny, and some are serious. if you can’t tell the difference then i’m not doing my job., to the editor of money magazine.

I was dismayed to discover that your list of the fifty best jobs didn’t include any in entertainment (and only one that was on the creative side– creative director). I’m a stand-up comedian and I wouldn’t trade my job for any other (not even for my high school job– working at an ice cream parlor with unlimited on-the-job eating). While there are aspects of my profession that an audience doesn’t see (marketing– working to get booked, for example) there’s nothing like getting paid to brighten people’s days.

Sure, not everybody can do my job (it takes talent as a writer and performer, plus years of practice) but neither can anybody just get into medical school, pass the bar exam or become an engineer.

Making a list of the best jobs but leaving out the creative ones is like having a list of the best places to live but excluding all the coastal states. But then I notice that “Magazine Editor” didn’t make the list either– maybe you’re just not that happy. Not a problem… I know just what you need… come to a show!

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posted on 2/8/08

For every person about whom you think “He’s awful, why is he getting opportunities that I’m not getting?” there’s someone else saying the same thing about you.

Comics, if you’re gonna eat it* on stage, try not to do it when the waitresses are in the room.

This is especially true for the waitress you have a crush on.

This is possibly even more importantly true if one of the waitresses is dating the booker.

Try not to have a crush on the waitress dating the booker.

If you can’t help it, try even harder not to mention the crush to anyone.

Don’t assume that the writer of this piece has a crush on a waitress, or that any particular booker is dating someone working at the club.

Don’t even assume that comedy clubs HAVE waitresses.

* comedy slang for having a terrible show

How to Audition

posted on 1/30/08

People have been asking me about auditioning for Last Comic Standing, so here’s what I know.

I was the first NY comic to audition for Last Comic Standing II. And I was way not ready– very new in stand-up. While waiting to go on stage I thought of an addition to strengthen my opening joke, an addition I still use. And I promptly forgot about it when I nervously stepped on stage. The judges Bob Read and Ross Mark, who book The Tonight Show, were very nice to me; I didn’t realize how nice until I watched the show and saw how they treated some other auditioners. I made them laugh a few times which isn’t as easy as it sounds at 10 AM (7 AM on the L.A. time they were living on) in front of people who watch comics for a living. And as I sat next to them at the call-backs I saw them sit through many comics without laughing much at all.

They asked me if I were nervous because I was performing for only two people. I said “No, I’ve performed for audiences half this size” which got a laugh. Two, actually.

One thing I noticed at the LCS II call-back show is how tight most of the sets were. That is, instead of getting a story started, then set-up, set-up, punchline, the comics who did well had almost every single sentence get a laugh. A punchline would also set-up the next sentence and it would flow from there. So a three minute set would have well more than fifteen laugh lines. It was a great show to watch as well as educational and inspiring. And quite humbling for a new comic.

AND– they weren’t just looking for comics– they were casting a reality show– so the comics not only had to be funny, they had to reveal who they were. And that’s not easy to do in three minutes and still fit in fifteen to twenty punchlines.

First of all, realize that a comic may get only two or three sentences– if the first set-up is too long, or the first joke doesn’t hit– you may not get a chance to continue. So put the shortest, strongest jokes up front.

Secondly, have to have at least something that not only says “Laugh at this, it’s funny” and “I know what I’m doing and I’m ready for prime-time TV” but also says This is who you are and what you’re like and why you should be allowed to continue.

Thirdly, one does not want to end up on the blooper reel– where they show comics looking ridiculous. (well, some people want to be on TV so badly they don’t care, or they don’t realize they’re being made fun of– and if on a network TV show they show you for eight seconds and had to bleep you six times, or they followed your attempt at a joke with a shot of the judges’ blank stares, yes, they’re making fun of you).

So to avoid ending up on the blooper reel I have gone through my jokes one sentence at a time to eliminate anything that might not sound good out of context. Specifically one joke has a punchline that works well with the set-up but the punchline alone sounds creepy. Cross out that joke.

Then it’s Avoid any joke that is on a common theme. For example, I may have the greatest “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” joke (I don’t; but I do have a decent, original one that fits my persona) but I’m sure that as the two hundredth auditioner they will have heard jokes that start with “What happens in Vegas…” ten times already, and number eleven isn’t going to thrill them. Same with references to penises, breasts, TV commercials, the TV shows that the NY auditioners are/were on (“Law & Order” and “The Sopranos”), X is different from Y (NY/California, men/women, black people/white people, etc.), contrasting ethnic backgrounds especially if they rely on offensive ethnic stereotypes (I’m half black and half Jewish so I’m really good at raising my own bail money, kind of jokes, and yes, I realize that half of that comment is more offensive than the other half but that’s what first came to mind as I type this– I’m not that good at writing offensive jokes)…

Then I cut out any sentence that’s unnecessary. A bunch of blogs ago I questioned whether it’s better to have a three sentence joke that gets 80% laughter or a two sentence version that gets 60% laughter. And while I still don’t have the answer for audiences, for auditioning I go with two sentences and 60%.

Then I get on stage as much as I possibly can in the next week and a half to practice my two minute audition set plus my four minute call-back set.

Then I show up at the audition and I hope that I have the set of my life. Twice in a row.

Knock ’em dead, everybody that’s trying. I want all of us to rock. Good stand-up raises it up for everybody. And good stand-up on TV gets more people to come see our shows. And I want NY comics to dominate as we should– after all, NYC is the center of stand-up comedy.

A Few Good Men & a Few Others

posted on 1/5/08

My mother sent me the link to a study reporting that drinking low-fat or non-fat milk may lead to cancer.

Thanks, mom. I read the same newspapers you do, and then some. You know what causes cancer? Not dying of something else first. Sure, some things are known carcinogens: Smoking. Having a job wrapping asbestos around pipes. Frequent sex with (insert someone’s name here).

So. An early study claims ~ … Unless the study reported something like “We fed low-fat milk to forty subjects, and thirty seven of them burst into flames” I’ll think I’ll wait until the outcome is replicated in further studies.

I didn’t get a chance to read the study or to submit it to my panel of experts. But perhaps it’s what they were drinking milk instead of that’s the problem. Maybe they were drinking low-fat milk in place of wine. Or beer. Or Erbitux. And maybe, just maybe, the people who drink regular milk are mixing it with their Kahlua or Baileys and that, too, knocks down some cancer.

To whichever idioticalite at the Clinton campaign who thought it was a good idea to load six buses full of supporters on a narrow sidewalk right outside of Grand Central Terminal at 5 PM on a Friday: Get a clue. The sidewalk is only two people wide there– don’t pick a street leading to one of the busiest train stations in the country. Three blocks up or one block over would’ve worked much better. Or at least you could’ve had them line up single-file.

Hillary, you ought to know better. You claim to be a New Yorker– you’ve ‘lived’ here over a decade. And you’re FROM Chicago. I expect this behavior from someone who grew up in one of the forty six states without people. But you? I know, you don’t spend a lot of time walking by yourself around Manhattan. You’re driven by Secret Service agents and followed by your posse, or whatever non-rappers call hangers-on.

If you plan to run the country like you are running this part of your campaign then I’m voting for someone else. It’s the little things that piss people off.

I get it. It’s not your fault. You don’t dictate the logistics of loading buses to New Hampshire. You leave that to lower-ranked people twelve levels down from you.

Oh, you say, why would how some idiotical lower-level person in a campaign affect how she’d run the country as president? That lower-level person isn’t going to become Secretary of State or be appointed to the Supreme Court.

Well, baby Einstein, maybe not. But that lower-level person is going to be offered a job as a mid-level bureaucrat in the Clinton (Mrs.) Administration. And while you think that it’s the Supreme Court and the Cabinet that matter, think of where the decisions are made. There are over six hundred federal District Court judges who each try one case at a time. There are fewer Appeals Court judges and they seem to work in threes. And the nine justices of the Supreme Court? They hear cases together– it’s ONE court. So as a group which do you think has more power?

That lower-level person is going to clog something in the system. Something way more important than the sidewalk at rush-hour on a Friday.

A long time ago I volunteered to work on a presidential campaign. The weekend before Election Day they sent me to hand out campaign literature. My instructions? “Your corner is 86th and Lex. Get to work.”

Yes, baby E, you’d think that someone with a college degree doesn’t need to be told how to hand out flyers. You’d be wrong. Why? Because another guy was given the same intersection and he stood across the street from me at the top of a subway entrance. And what he did was to shove a flyer into people’s faces and say “Snarf Garftarf* for President.” After a few minutes I, the novice campaigner, took him aside and said “Look. This is New York. You shove a flyer in people’s faces, all you’re doing is annoying them. You want them to read this propaganda, not crumple it up and throw it at me when they get across the street. Here’s what you do. Engage them. Ask politely if they’re voting on Tuesday. And then ask for whom. If they say Snarf Garftarf, thank them, tell them they’ve made an excellent choice. If they say the other guy, ask them to read the flyer, maybe you’ll change their mind. If they say they haven’t made up their mind, THESE ARE YOUR PEOPLE. And if they say they’re not voting, ask why, and maybe you can convince them that they CAN make a difference.”

Although, it turns out, the most frequent reason people told me they weren’t going to vote? That they’re illegal. Not “Sorry, I’m not a citizen” or “I’m just visiting your country” or “I have a Green Card.” “I’m illegal.” Not only common at 86th & Lex, but readily admitted. I had no idea. Immigration should volunteer for a presidential campaign, they could probably knock the twelve million illegal immigrants down by a few million. Just here in NYC.

And it turns out, when you shove a piece of paper in people’s faces, nobody takes them. Ask them a polite question, they may stick around. We were the first group to run out of flyers. Which means that all the other teams were as ignorant as my co-hort across the street…

Which may explain why the Garftarf Administration didn’t accomplish much in all its years in office.

And now, with the jokes, comes the whining.

Today, for about the eightieth time this year, someone told me what to do.

Now, if the “You should” is followed by “get off my foot” or “not vote for Ron Paul” that’s good advice.

But if your “You should” is followed by your telling me how to manage my career, and you’re not an entertainment lawyer, or an intellectual property lawyer, or a manager of comedians, or an agent, or writer, or comedian, or club owner, or club manager, or comedy club waitress (comedians who are smart or at least paying attention learn that comedy club waitresses see a LOT of comedians and a LOT of audiences and overhear managers and owners, and know quite a bit about making or screwing up a career), or television executive, or comedy writer, or my mother, then please just shut up.

My mother has the right to tell me what to do. She’s earned it. It doesn’t mean I have to listen to her. But she can say whatever she wants.

Even if it’s “Get on ‘The Tonight Show’ and stop drinking so much low-fat milk, it’s no good for you.” (Nice call-back, huh?)

Because probably, just probably, though for some reason you THINK you know something about the entertainment business, well, you don’t.

That’s why you’re my dentist, not host of “The Tonight Show.”

Saying “You need a good agent” or “You should get on that TV show, what’s it called, ‘Last Comedy Standup'” or “Why don’t you call ‘The Tonight Show’ or HBO and ask if they’ll put you on TV” or “You should create a funny sit-com” clearly demonstrates that you DON’T know how this business works.

I don’t know what compels people to think they know how to write a TV show just because they spend seven hours a day on the couch (or DESPITE the fact that they spend seven hours a day on the couch), or that they know how comedians get ‘discovered’ (hint: we don’t GET discovered. We WORK, and WORK MORE, work HARD, and ACHIEVE success– we don’t just show up once in a while and hope someone ‘finds’ us–- just like any other career- have you ever heard of an oncologist getting ‘discovered?’) but really, doctor, I don’t say things like “You know what you should do? You should figure out what cures cancer and patent it and sell it.” (hint– you want to know what cures cancer? Anti-low-fat milk pills– invent some of those)

Okay, first of all, EVERY comic wants to be on “The Tonight Show”– even Jay Leno is trying to figure out a way to stay on the show past when his contract expires. You don’t just call up Bob and Ross (they’re the guys who book the comics for the show– and if you didn’t know this then maybe, just maybe, you’re not in a position to give career advice to a comedian) and say “Hey guys, I’m ready, what nights are free?” After at least ten years, IF you’re a comedy GENIUS (in the category of comedy genius to get on the show after ONLY around ten years of hard, hard work-– Ellen DeGeneres, Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright; sorry, probably not me but ask me when I’m ten years in) MAYBE, just MAYBE, you get a SHOT AT IT.

And you don’t just write a sit-com. Nobody in TV takes a sit-com idea from a new guy. What you do is, you write a spec script for a TV show (that means a script for an existing show, on speculation, because nobody’s paying you for it and nobody will ever buy it). Then you get someone (agent, manager, hot chick that producer wants to bang, blackmailer that has video of said producer and hot chick caught in the act, and the ‘hot chick’ is really a man) to show it to someone at A DIFFERENT show. He says “Gee, it doesn’t totally suck.” It proves maybe, just maybe, you can write for someone else’s characters. Eventually you get a job writing for a show. You write. You get stuff on the air. You prove you can continue to produce under pressure. To write under deadline. To Not Suck.

Then, maybe then, someone will look at your new sit-com idea.

And if it beats the one-in-a-thousand odds, it gets picked up.

Yeah, roughly a thousand-to-one. That’s why the word ‘maybe’ appears fourteen times in this essay.

Or, if you’re really, really talented, and really lucky, you go the Aaron Sorkin route. You work your ass off writing during the day while tending bar at a Broadway theatre at night. Your third produced play gets to Broadway. It’s a hit. You write the screenplay. THAT’S a hit too (“A Few Good Men” as if you didn’t know).

Oh, it might help if mommy or daddy’s a top entertainment lawyer or otherwise already in the entertainment business.

Not a dentist.

But please, unless you ARE Aaron Sorkin, or Jerry Seinfeld, or Jay Leno, or one of their agents, attorneys or managers, how about you finish looking at my teeth or whatever you’re supposed to be doing, and let me manage my own career. It’s going rather well, I must say.

It must be since I flew to the dentist in a new glass cockpit Cirrus SR22 Turbo GTS.

My dentist drives a Saab.

And if you ARE Aaron Sorkin, I’m not going to ask you to read my screenplay (that would be crass) but if you don’t buy me the beer you’ve owed me since 1988 then I’m going to remind you that I stole three bases in one game against your team when we were kids.

* His name wasn’t Snarf Garftarf, but wouldn’t that be a cool name for a president? I’m keeping his name secret (but a family member of his is mentioned in this article and I’m pretty sure nobody named Erbitux is running for president this year)

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How NOT to get booked

posted on 1/1/08

As I look back on last year, and having finally managed to clean off my desk, I wanted to let people who feel not-as-good-about-themselves-as-they-ought-to, to have a reason to think that they’re doing most things right. Because a lot of your competition isn’t.

I produce a comedy show- Ivy Standup sm – it’s not “The Tonight Show” but it’s a pro show at one of NYC’s A clubs as well as a few select places outside NYC.

I get frequent requests from comics to appear in the show.

And for the most part they make my decision pretty easy.

If you’ve ever written a book and looked for a literary agent you know that their slush pile is so big that they’re simply looking for a reason to say no. Spelling errors, wrong genre, not following their submission guidelines… all make it easier for them to toss you aside and get closer to the bottom of the pile with no guilt.

All of us comics want to think you have to be smart to be a comedian. We want to think that. And while I’m sure that some very good comedians are bad spellers it’s certainly not what we want to see. Especially if the show you’re asking to be in is the Ivy League show.

And especially since if you’re emailing us– you have a computer that has a built-in spell-check. USE IT!

I’m not sure how well the grammar-check feature works since I stopped using it a long time ago but if you’re not sure of the difference between to, too and two, you might try it. Or ask someone to proof-read for you.

Secondly, if you send me a video (or a link to a video on the web) please, Please, PLEASE make sure I can watch it without throwing up. I got one video that was so hard to watch… well, let me give you some background. I’m a licensed pilot. Instrument-rated. I’ve trained for a commercial pilot’s license. I’ve done aerobatics. Steep turns. Side slips. Power-on stalls. Spins. Flown upside-down until the instructor said “Enough. Right the plane.”

All this to say I don’t easily get motion-sick.

The best way to describe this one video? It had to have been shot by an epileptic, having a seizure, while drunk, in a tornado, during an earthquake, while sitting on top of a bowl of jell-o.

While being beaten with a Louisville Slugger.

And tickled at the same time.

Seriously, I couldn’t watch it because I was getting motion-sick.

I got another video that started with a wide shot of the stage before zooming in, so I knew it was a big room. I couldn’t see how many people were in the room, and by the sound I figured there weren’t many people there. The comic didn’t get many laughs, and barely any applause. Which is okay– I was considering hiring the comic, not the audience.

But the tape he sent me wasn’t just of him. He included the end of the performer before him, and a bit of the intro of the person following him.

And they got great applause. Which he didn’t. It’s one thing to send in a tape with a quiet audience. It’s another thing to send in a tape that shows that the audience just wasn’t that into you.

If you don’t have a quality video to send, one that is a good representation of how good you are, and is watchable, just wait to send something.

It’s much better than sending something that just sucks.

SUCKS gets remembered. Your career can wait. And my show just isn’t that important. It’s not going to make your career. And if it could? Would you send a crappy tape to “The Tonight Show?”

Yes, we too know how hard it is to get a quality tape. Shows with good sound recording are few and far between– if the audience isn’t miked then it could sound like nobody’s laughing. So you have to work hard to get into a show with good recording.

Pay your friends to fill the club, beg, promise to wash someone’s car. Whatever it takes to get on a show that will get you a good tape.

One in a club, not shot in your basement.

If your mother yells that dinner’s ready, we know it’s not in a club, and that you still live with your mother.

And if a waitress drops a tray of drinks during your set, or a drunk interrupts, or the emcee makes fun of you in his introduction, or the mike cuts out, or you screw up a couple of jokes, or something else goes wrong so that the tape isn’t great?

Pay other friends, wash a herd of cattle, hire a videographer yourself, whatever it takes.

Just don’t send a tape that makes you look like an idiot.

And if you have a good tape and the booker still says no? Don’t write back to say “I’m funnier than you are.” Even if you’re sure you are.

Because I’m not giving up my spot in the show. It’s MY SHOW. Funnier than I am? That’s a given. Otherwise I’ll simply give myself a longer set. I LIKE being on stage. I can fill the time; I have plenty of material.

The question is: Are you funnier than other people in the show? Because if not, why would I bump them for you?

I already know they’re reliable, they’re funny, I’ve worked with them before. They show up. They don’t question my judgment. They can probably spell.

And to be clear, even for those who’ve sent me awful tapes I’ve tried to be constructive and positive, despite it going against my nature (I’m a native New Yorker). So when I write back to say “Thanks for submitting. I can’t use you right now– but feel free to write back in another year– and to be clear, I HAVE put people in the show long after their first query” please don’t argue.

Because while I do give try to give people another shot, I don’t give arguers another shot. Nobody wants to work with a pain-in-the-drain.

A story– a long time ago I tried out for a sports team. It was the U.S. National Dragon Boat team. Yeah, not exactly the highest sport in the U.S. but it was a team representing our country in the World Championship. And in China, where the sport originated, it IS a big sport. It’s like football to them. In fact it is the second most popular sport in the world, China being a fifth of the world’s population. It’s also the oldest continually raced sport around, at almost 2500 years old.

I was living in NY. The practices were in Philadelphia. Five days a week. I came to the team late, and everybody else trying out had dragon-boated before– almost all were on the team the year before, and were active, competitive kayakers or canoeists. I was a rower, quite good but rowing is a different range of motion from dragon-boating.

One day the coach took me aside. Told me he didn’t think I was going to make the team. That he wouldn’t ordinarily say anything, but as I was commuting 2+ hours a day, each way, just the commute alone almost a full-time job, he felt it his obligation to let me know. But that I was welcome to try again the next year, and to stop by if I were in Philadelphia again.

The next night I showed up at practice. He asked why. I said “Pete, I appreciate what you told me last night. It was the right thing to do. And with that knowledge you know that I can’t complain if I don’t make the team. But it’s still my choice to keep trying, and that’s what I’m gonna do, until the selection process is finished and you’ve chosen the team.”

And he understood.

And when it came time to select the team, and he had us race against each other, I won every race, and made the team.

I didn’t just win my races, I trounced people.

I’m sure that if I’d said anything the night he suggested I go home and not come back, other than “Thanks for talking to me,” I probably wouldn’t have gotten the chance to even race for my spot. But I appreciated what he told me, and I didn’t argue.

We made the finals in Hong Kong, beating every other Western boat. Even though we sank in the heats and semi-finals and some of us caught stomach bugs because Hong Kong Harbor is filthy.

To be clear, do not ever swim in Hong Kong Harbor.

If your plane crashes in Hong Kong Harbor and you manage to escape from the wreckage, you might not be one of the lucky ones.

Just saying.

The point is, don’t argue. Just get so good that you’re chosen for the team. TROUNCE everyone else and nobody can question whether you belong there.

Dan Naturman has been in several of my shows. He’s really, really funny, and he’s good to work with. People still ask me if he’ll be in the next show. If he weren’t a nice guy I’d still put him in the show, because he’s a great comic and my job is to put on the best show I can. Within reason. But most others? If they were jerks I’d never have them back. I’d find someone else for their spots.

Dan’s good enough to be a prick and still get booked.

You’re probably not.

To be clear– I like Dan on and off the stage. Don’t misquote me. And he regularly trounces. That’s his job. We all try. He succeeds.

But for you to get booked– have a good tape. AND be nice. And if you’re trying out for a clean, smart show, try to have a tape that’s at least somewhat clean. Not one full of Monica Lewinsky jokes. That’s not only not what I’m looking for, it’s a decade out of date. If I tell you I want “Smart and clean– what’s right for people entertaining clients” and your set opens with “Where my pot smokers at?” I will probably continue watching, but I may not watch the full ten minutes.

I’d rather spend the next nine minutes trying to catch up to Dan.

If you want us to bring Ivy Standup sm to your city, here’s a good way to do it– ASK.

Overheard Today in the Post Office

Posted on 12/24/2007

Clerk:  I hope Santa’s bringing you something nice this year. Adult Patron:  Santa won’t be visiting my house any time soon. Clerk:  Why not?  Are you Jewish or Moslem? Adult Patron:  No, I’m an asshole.

“Go To The Mirror, Boy!”

Posted on 11/29/2007

Greetings from Lost Angeles, land of 3 AM traffic jams, metered on-ramps and billboards advertising breast augmentation operations ($2999, if you’re interested; I assume that means for both).  Yes, I know, doctors prefer to call it a “procedure” but technically speaking I think the correct word is “installation.”

Just like when you’re hanging art on the wall.

It took over an hour on the freeway before I spotted a woman driving an SUV who was NOT speaking on a cell phone.  Then I saw her bumper-sticker: “Support Deaf Education.”  I guess that explains it.  Here they don’t just number the highways, they’re very specific that THEIR highways in California are the ONLY highways.  In NYC I often drive on 87.  Here it’s THE 405.

Unless you’re Russian, in which case it’s just 405.

Or you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s “Oh, like, I’m not really good in math but I want to go over there.”

Had an uneventful flight, courtesy of just enough frequent flier miles to sit in Business Class.  Where I get a reminder of just how snobby I might be about some things.  Right after take-off they offered drinks (at noon, otherwise known as 9 AM California time), including Champagne.  I love Champagne, and asked what brand it was.  The flight attendant said she’d check but in the meantime she handed me a glass.

It tasted like a penny dissolved in kerosene.  There are a lot of great American wines but nobody’s caught up to the French when it comes to sparkling wine. Say what you want about their lack of military prowess, but they know how to make beverages.  And when you come right down to it, which is more important, anyway?  Yeah, English-speaking countries did bail them out of two world wars, but if it weren’t for the French 230 years ago we’d still be calling soccer “football” and naming our children Nigel.  And doesn’t the world already have enough Nigels?

This time I remembered to bring some CDs to listen to in the car so I’m not limited to news radio or that nutty Dr. Laura.  Whose doctorate, by the way, is not in psychology.  I’m pretty sure it’s in animal husbandry.  My rental Corolla is a cute white car but the sound system doesn’t do justice to the opera I brought.  The Who’s “Tommy” in case you didn’t catch the “Go To The Mirror, Boy!” reference as the title of this blog.  Anyway I think it’s very Californian of me to notice how the car stereo sounds before I say anything about the weather.

My headlining gig was cancelled (nothing to do with me) but the producer said he’d try to find me something else since he heard good things about me. I wonder whom he asked since I never provided him with any references.  Somebody’s due a bottle of Champagne (the French kind, not what American serves in Business Class) but I don’t know who.  Anyway I have a bunch of other performances scheduled and the weather’s nice here despite the ongoing fear of returning wildfires.  Wind gusts of 18 miles per hour are major news here but maybe it’s nothing to do with fires, just warnings about bad hair days.

Monsters at my Door, a tale of 10/31

If you’re too young to stand up or old enough to drive to the store on your own to buy candy, I don’t mind that you’re with your family at my door.  I even encourage it.  But you shouldn’t be trick-or-treating.  If you’re carrying a 1 year old I know that it’s not your child eating the candy.  If you tell me that I’m wrong then I’m calling the Administration for Children’s Services.

If someone comes to your door looking scary I suggest you make sure they’re in costume.  Otherwise you risk offending a very scary-looking person.

And her husband?  Even scarier.

A kid came to my door tonight in full Home Depot gear.  And by that I don’t mean dressed as a sales associate.  Clearly he was a NASCAR driver.  I understand why NASCAR vehicles have advertising on them.  But your children?  Fine with me. I’m a Home Depot stockholder.  They’re not my kids.  Thank your sponsor for the tiny dividends.

A few years ago I came back from France just before Halloween.  I bought a lot of my favorite chocolate when I was there (Lindt Madagascar– milk chocolate with bits of cocoa beans, like a very, very good Nestles Crunch bar).  That wasn’t what I was giving out, not at $2 a bar for a product unavailable in the U.S.

At 9:45 PM on Halloween I was about to turn off my outside light– the universal signal for “It’s late, go home, you’re too old to be trick-or-treating anyway”– just as the doorbell rang.  I had about ten bars of Halloween candy left, so I figured I’d get rid of most of it and be done with Halloween for this year.

I opened the door and there were 30 kids outside.

The smart thing to do would’ve been to say “Sorry, I have only ten bars left, send the littlest kids forward…” but I didn’t think of it.  And the Lindt was on my dining room table right near the front door.  So 20 kids got really, really good candy.

The next year five thousand eight hundred kids came to my door.

From every country but France and Madagascar.

They all got Nestles Crunch bars.

I remember being annoyed at people who weren’t home on Halloween.  One day a year is all anybody asked.  We didn’t care if they were away on Christmas, New Years, Thanksgiving, the Fourth of July or my birthday.  Just when we rang the bell on 10/31.

So I vowed to be home every Halloween.

Even if Home Depot and Grandparents are asking for candy.  Even if a one year old gets taken away by ACS.

Nowadays kids seem to have Halloween all figured out.  When I was a kid you got together with a few friends and went door-to-door.  These days kids are much more efficient.  They come to the door and the first kid to get candy rushes to the next house.  So that by the time you’re finished giving out candy most of the kids are gone.

Eliminating the biggest impediment to gathering as much candy as possible– waiting for the people to answer the door.  Now when the kid gets to the door it’s already open.

Saving the kids time.  And yielding more candy for each kid over the course of a limited evening.  While the homeowner pretty much can’t leave the doorway because so many kids are coming.

I blame the Bush administration.

Their “The First MBA President” idea, combined with trickle-down operations management, means more kids at my door each year.

Kid, if you can’t interrupt your cell phone conversation to say “Trick or treat” then you’re WAY too important to be going door-to-door for candy.

By the way, it’s really hard to prepare a whole chicken when the doorbell keeps ringing and I’m by myself.  I think my parents are right– it’s time I got married.

To someone who likes answering the door.  Or washing my hands.

Or at least visits France frequently and brings home good chocolate just for me.

And if that doesn’t happen… if your 14 year old daughter comes to my door dressed as Marilyn Monroe, please send her back when she’s 18.  If I’m still single: she can have the Lindt.

As long as she’s not carrying a 1 year old.

From The Joey Reynolds Show

Due to the good graces of way too many people to name I appear from time to time on the nationally-syndicated Joey Reynolds radio show.

Two months ago it was Joey’s birthday and many of his friends stopped in during the show, which is live starting at midnight (it goes national at 1 AM).

During a commercial break The Amazing Kreskin walked into the studio. Think that guys like Kreskin travel with an entourage? Not when they’re 70.

People there knew him and someone asked how he got home from a recent gig. His response? Something like “It was awful, I got lost in Jersey and it took me hours to get home.”

Not so amazing, huh Kreskin? You claim to find lost objects and people but you can’t seem to find your own house?

Then later, in what passes for the green room at a radio station, Kreskin put down his bag, walked past the food, then said “Where’s my bag? I just put it down three minutes ago…”

The Amazing Kreskin, the great mentalist, mind-reader extraordinaire… couldn’t even read his OWN mind. But he did look around and find his bag. I’d found the roast beef and rye bread, which to me was a far more important feat. His biography hypes his power to find hidden objects. I guess his bag wasn’t hidden– it was in plain sight so maybe that didn’t count.

But Kreskin was a very nice guy.

Or did he simply plant that idea in my mind? I guess we’ll never know.

 If Only Senator Bathroom BJ Had Read THE CONSTITUTION

Because Article 1, Section 6 clearly states:

“The Senators and Representatives shall receive a Compensation for their Services, to be ascertained by Law, and paid out of the Treasury of the United States. They shall in all Cases, except Treason, Felony and Breach of the Peace, be privileged from Arrest during their Attendance at the Session of their respective Houses, and in going to and returning from the same; and for any Speech or Debate in either House, they shall not be questioned in any other Place.”

The senator claims he was on the way to Washington, DC when he was detained by the police.  Except that if he knew his rights he could have pointed out that they weren’t allowed to detain him.

One of the few senators who is not a lawyer, Senator Craig none-the-less claims to be a defender of the Second Amendment right to bear arms… but apparently he couldn’t be bothered reading all those words that appear in the Constitution prior to the Second Amendment.

To quote Nelson Muntz of The Simpsons… Ha HA!

The Answers to Your Questions

I’ve gotten a lot of mail lately and don’t have time to answer it all individually.  Here are the answers– if you asked then you know what the question was.

Yes, even if your wife watches it still counts as gay.

Of course she says they’re real– she’d look like an idiot if she told you she paid for them and they’re still uneven.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill him, he’d be dead.

Of course not.  If I were trying to kill her, she’d be dead.

I won’t tell anyone.  Why would I admit I know you?

No I won’t give you her phone number.  Didn’t you just spend ten minutes telling me how crazy she was?

I don’t have a sister. No, it must’ve been someone else you saw in an orange dress on Broadway last night. I look horrible in orange.

No, I don’t think I need to thank President Bush for all the material he’s given me.  It’s been more than offset by record budget deficits, increased pollution, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

No, I don’t think I need to thank the Clintons for all the material they’ve given me.  It’s been more than offset by the repeal of the equal time rule, a huge decline in respect for the office of the president, the time I’ve spent stuck in traffic at Westchester County Airport when the Clintons flew in and out, high energy prices caused by the lack of any viable energy policy…

Proud to be an American?

Posted July 4, 2007

Someone recently asked if I were proud to be an American.

I don’t think that pride is the right word.   I am glad to be an American– there aren’t too many other countries that afford anywhere near the freedom and opportunity available here.

But Pride?   What have I done that has created those freedoms and opportunities?  I didn’t help draft the Constitution.   I didn’t create the Industrial Revolution.   I didn’t even help win World War II*.   America’s Greatest Generation?   Nope, I grew up in the Me Decade. Or was it the Al Franken Decade?   I forget; it was so long ago.

What HAVE I done?  Let’s see- I vote, I pay all my taxes without complaining, I don’t litter or steal or kick puppies and it’s been a long time since I killed someone.  Even though a lot of people have deserved it lately.  I’ve also been part of the capitalist system, making funds flow more efficiently so we can have factories and power plants and buildings and stores that sell really nice-smelling soap.  And money for your retirement– you might have more of that too, partially because of what I’ve done.

Occasionally I also make someone laugh.  Now if you’ll excuse me there’s someone I have to go kill.  He cheated on his taxes and kicked a puppy.

I’m so glad to live here.

*My father did and I am proud of him.

Dirty Words on TV

“All the President’s Men” was on channel 31 tonight.  In the space of less than five minutes Washington Post editor Ben Bradlee used two different four-letter curse words.

After the initial surprise of hearing the F word and the S word on over-the-air television, my next thought was:

A movie as important as “All the President’s Men” should never be censored.

As they say, No Good Deed Goes Unpunished, even on-line

A recent on-line dating exchange:

Her (initial contact): Funny and Jewish all rolled into one man..lol wow

Me: Hi.  Thanks for writing. I don’t think we’re a match, but I wish you the best of luck in your search. -S

Her: Presumptuous aren’t you ?? I don’t think we’re a match —I didn’t ask you that.  Why would you think that?

Me: Well, I thought that most of the time when people write to someone on a dating site, they’re looking for a date. I think that it’s polite to say no thank you.  Most people don’t bother writing back, choosing instead to let the other person simply twist in the wind and wonder.  I’m not like that. I came here looking for someone to love, not seeking an argument.

Her: I wasn’t looking at you for a possible match….but just curious why you say we aren’t.

Me (unsent): Because you don’t handle rejection all that well.

Ah, the Beauty of a Drunken Beauty

Last night I had two shows at Ha! Comedy Club in NYC.  The first show was well-attended for a Sunday early show.

The emcee did a passable job warming up the audience though he had a bit of trouble trying to have a conversation with a European who didn’t understand his questions (comics– if this happens to you, here’s my suggestion: Cut and run. Say thank you and move onto someone else; don’t try to keep communicating with someone who doesn’t understand you).  Danny McDermott was up next and did well with a short set, but towards the end a drunk woman in the back kept interrupting him.

I was the next comic up, and it was clear that the woman was getting drunker and drunker because not only was she interrupting more, but was getting increasingly difficult to understand.

Some clubs will rapidly throw out audience members who disturb the show.  Ha! isn’t one of those clubs.

After a few interruptions I asked her her name.  She laughed.  I said “Your name is Ha?  Then you’re in the right club.”

At one point I said “I can’t understand a word she’s saying… and something tells me I’m better off.”  All my lines to quiet her down got laughs from the rest of the audience but didn’t do much to get her to stop talking. The audience finally told her to shut up and while it took me almost a minute to finish a fifteen second closing joke, it was worth it.

On my way out of the showroom she stood up and hugged me, telling me how funny I was and how much she’s enjoying the show.  I noticed the guy at her table, ignoring her.

A few minutes later she came outside.  She was beyond breath-taking.  She said it was her one year anniversary, and she was angry at her boyfriend because he kept telling her to shut up, but she wanted to talk to the comics because that’s how it’s supposed to be.  As politely as I could I told her no, that’s not how it works.  That the emcee may ask questions at the start of the show, but after that it’s our turn to talk.  But that didn’t stop her from her touchy-feely state. The other comics were staring at her, but to me she smelled like betrayal.

Clearly she wanted attention of the male kind.  But I’m not the kind of comic who’ll have sex with an audience member in the bathroom so she can get back at her boyfriend.  Or for any other reason, for that matter.

Besides, Ha! has a secret r… oops.

I’m looking for Ms. Right.  Not Ms. Right Now.

She went outside to smoke a cigarette.  The emcee and I were standing outside the showroom when she came back.  She continued talking to us, telling us how much she loved us and how funny we were.  She was also having trouble standing up.  At one point I asked her to which side she was most likely to fall so one of us could be ready to catch her…

I didn’t want her attention but I felt it was my duty to the other comics to keep her out of the showroom for as long as possible.  Which worked until she decided to return to the showroom and headed for the wrong room.

We steered her back to the waiting room and kept her occupied until it was time for her to leave.

She was so annoying that a gay comic commented that “She makes me even GAYER, if that’s possible.”

After the show one comic gave her his business card.  I pointed out that she was the drunken one who kept interrupting the show (with the bright lights in your face on stage, it’s often difficult to recognize someone from the audience after the show).  He said he knew.  When I suggested that she probably wasn’t the kind of person he wanted coming to more of his shows, he disagreed, saying that she might not always be drunk, and she’s the kind of woman who may bring a dozen friends to the next show.  Comics– what’s your take on this?

The second show was almost sold-out, the audience was warmed-up and happy when I took the stage, and I can’t even begin to explain to non-comics how great it is to tell an opening joke and have sustained laughter for ten or fifteen seconds and have that energy continue all the way through a fifteen minute set.  The kind of show where you know that you won’t get through half your material because they’re laughing so much, and because every spontaneous riff you throw in gets laughs, and you feel like you can do no wrong.

Ah, the joys of being a performer.  And in general the pride from doing a good job dealing with a difficult situation.  I can’t wait to go back.  Even if she’s there again with eleven equally-drunk friends.  Even a difficult audience is better than no audience at all.

Random, Rainy-Day Thoughts

The Ivies vs. The Sopranos… Last night was our Ivy League Comedy Showcase sm at Gotham, probably the nicest club in the city. I had a great time hosting the show, as I always have.

Then tonight I did a ten minute set at a club that’s in the basement of a chain restaurant a few blocks north of Times Square, in front of a bunch of Soprano mobster-wannabees.  Who wouldn’t shut up for anybody, not even their friend in the show whom they came to see.

Both shows were fun in their own ways.  At the Ivy show, I said “I just heard on the way here that the head of undergraduate admissions at M.I.T. had to resign because she lied on her resume– claimed to have gone to medical school when she didn’t even go to college.  And I’ve been thinking for the last hour that there has to be a joke that’s perfect for this audience.  And I thought, and thought, and thought… then realized: HEY, M.I.T. is not IN the Ivy League!”

At tonight’s show I had to fight for the audience’s attention.  But the way to do that, in circumstances like this, is to engage the biggest trouble-makers.  The only way they’d stop talking to each other is if the comic talks to them.  I really don’t like making the show about them, it’s like rewarding bad behavior, but for the sake of the rest of the audience– if the only way to make the show fun for everybody is to joke with the noisy folks, that’s what to do.  So I did. When the mobster-lite is from Harrisburg, PA, it’s easy.

Virginia Tech jokes: The killer sent his video manifesto to NBC News, which aired it.  That’s typical. This crazy murderer gets a TV credit, and I’m stuck handing out flyers in Times Square in the rain.*

Whenever there’s a tragedy like this people take advantage of the situation to advance their own political agendas… no, I’m not talking about comedians.  The pro-gun folks say that if more people had guns someone would have returned fire and fewer people would have been killed.  A nd the anti-gun folks say that if we made guns harder to get, this would never have happened. I don’t know which side is right.  But I do know that if everybody had a gun, I would’ve shot at least four people just on the drive in tonight.

* I don’t really hand out flyers in Times Square.

The Differences Between Democrats and Republicans

Okay, it’s considered a really overdone topic in comedy– the differences between men and women, or between New York and Los Angeles.  So how about… the differences between Democrats and Republicans?

I used to say that while they may share the same goals they differ in approach.  And that the difference between a Democrat and a Republican is that when an expert proposes a solution to a social problem that involves spending money (such as “I can improve reading scores by 20% or cut poverty in half; it’ll cost a billion dollars”) the Democrat says “Wonderful.  Here’s a billion dollars, best of luck to you!”

The Republican says “Prove to me that it works, WITHOUT spending any money, then you can have the billion dollars.”

Here’s another difference: When the Democrat asks a bureaucrat to take care of something and it doesn’t get done on a timely basis, the Democrat says “Wow, I didn’t realize how busy they were– so busy that they couldn’t get to my thing as quickly as I would have hoped.”

The Republican says “Those lazy bureaucrats should be fired– clearly they’re just sitting around doing nothing instead of getting to my thing when they should have.”

Random stuff

You can’t spell “Slaughter” without “laugh.”

I got spam email today– the subject was “World Wide Lootery” which I thought contained a rather ironic spelling error.

Last week at a business lunch one of my guests was trying to hide his Blackberry below the table, so while everyone else was chatting he was busy emailing in secret.  Or so he thought until I said something.

He said it was important– it was an email from his wife.  Their son’s teacher called, said he had trouble focusing and paying attention.

Clearly due to the great example his father must set.

Notes from Saturday Night’s Party

A Polish-American friend of mine invited me to her birthday party.  She said she invited 20 Americans and 80 Polish people.

I was the American who showed up. A ll around me, conversations in Polish that didn’t switch to English when I approached, speaking English.

One of my best friends in college was Polish, so I tried the only Polish I knew. Because he taught all of us Polish drinking songs.

Somehow, entering a conversation by saying what apparently translates to “The streets will be rivers with the blood of our enemies, and at the end of the rivers of blood, the navies of our enemies will be washed away” didn’t endear me to them.

The party had entertainment.  I discovered that Polish drag queens aren’t that convincing as women.  Say what you want about America– we may not make the best cars, or the best beer, but our drag queens are second to none!  Take that, you overly masculine Polish she-men!

I started a conversation (in English, this time) with an attractive woman.  What does she do for a living?  Tax accountant.  Perfectly respectable profession.  Until… she told me, completely seriously, that after tax season she’s moving to Kenya because she’s sick of the city.  I don’t know what’s wrong with rural Rockland County, but apparently the idea of retiring in her thirties to survive for $4000/year on her savings is attractive to her.  I don’t know what she’ll do if Kenya gets more modern and the cost of living rises… but that’s not my problem. If she likes kissing giraffes (she said she did) that’s between her and Mrs. Giraffe.

The next woman I met is a fashion designer.  With no designs on moving to Africa. We spoke about fashion models.  She said that clothes look good on tall, thin women.  I said that doesn’t prove anything.  Any clothing will look good on Tyra Banks.  If she wants to prove what a great designer she is, design something that looks good on Rosie O’Donnell.

Won’t Get Fooled Again

I saw a television commercial for Chevrolet.  The ad’s theme song was “American Pie.”  For the six of you who don’t know the song, it’s about the death of Buddy Holly.  And for the four of you who don’t know who Buddy Holly was, he was one of the pioneers of rock music in the fifties, until he died in a plane crash.  He was a great inspiration for a lot of rock groups who followed, including The Beatles (in fact they chose the name “The Beatles” because Buddy Holly’s group was called “Buddy Holly and the Crickets”).

I understand that “American Pie” mentions Chevrolet in it (“Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry…”).  But the song is not about cars.  It’s about the death of an American icon.

Like General Motors?

————————–

The Republican Club at NYU is running a game called something like “Spot the Illegal Immigrant.”  Participants compete to be the first one to spot a student wearing a sticker that says “Illegal Immigrant.”

Protesters are saying that the game is racist.

Exactly which race is illegal immigrant?  Because I’m pretty sure I’ve met illegal immigrants from six continents.

Illegal immigrants come from all ethnic groups.

Except one.

Last week the British military announced that Prince Harry’s unit would be going to Iraq.

This week the Prime Minister announced that Britain would begin to withdraw forces from Iraq, reducing its deployment.

Co-incidence?

I saw an ad on the internet for a service for shy people that said “Shy? Send your marriage proposals via email…”

Ignoring for a moment the use of the PLURAL in the ad…

Well, I guess it SHOULD be plural– why get turned down by one woman for proposing by email, when you can spam MILLIONS and hope that maybe one person clicks the wrong box?

How do you email an engagement ring?

I totally understand the honeymoon– with a little Photoshop you can easily paste your face into a porn site.

Women are Funny. Vanity Fair isn’t Funny… nor fair.

The January issue of Vanity Fair had an article entitled “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”

The article was, of course, nonsense.

The March issue published a number of letters in response, including mine.  Since the editors of Vanity Fair severely edited my letter, leaving merely an almost incomprehensible few sentences and even editing out my middle name, for those who are interested here is the original letter:

As possibly the only comedian ever to do a statistical analysis on gender differences in comedy I wish to refute some statements made in “Why Women Aren’t Funny.”  I strongly disagree with the claim that most funny women are either homosexual, large or Jewish despite the fact that one of my best friends in comedy happens to be all three.  Most female comedians in America are heterosexual, normal-sized Christians.

Your columnist asserted that there are more terrible female comedians than male comedians despite the preponderance of male comedians in the industry.  Isn’t it likely that these female comedians just don’t appeal to him so he labels them not funny?  If they’re working comics they must be making somebody laugh or they would soon be unemployed.  How often does Mr. Hitchens go to comedy clubs or open-mikes?  Because my experience has been that most of the really awful amateur comedians tend to be men.  When taking the stage, even if they don’t have great punch lines, women generally at least have a point to make.  And in my opinion most of the really bad amateurs are men who go on misogynistic tirades with nothing funny to say.

My gender analysis, done earlier this year, revealed that approximately a third of amateur comedians are female.  A smaller percentage of professional comics are women, although mathematically one can’t directly compare the two populations at one point in time because of the several years it takes to go from beginner to professional.  Women do appear more likely to take a class when starting in comedy, whereas men are more likely to just write some jokes and show up on open-mike night.  And while almost all women who attend open-mike nights seem to want to be comedians, some percentage of males who show up are just in need of attention, or medication.

Perhaps one reason that women comprise less than half of all working comics is the same reason there aren’t that many women in investment-banking– it’s a hard business, with a lot of hours and a great deal of self-sacrifice.  It’s quite difficult to start a family and be on the road forty weeks a year.  And anyway, as a male-dominated industry it’s a long, hard fight for women until the numbers start to even out over time.

What will help the numbers even out?  If people would stop publishing articles claiming that women aren’t funny.  It’s clearly not true.  What can your readers do?  They can go to comedy clubs to see female comics.  Comedy is a business; it runs on money.  Your money is your vote.  Go out and vote.

Shaun Eli Breidbart

Now I’m Customer Service and They’re the Customer

Dell called me yesterday about the computer I ordered for my father, which I’d already picked up at UPS earlier in the day.

Someone who may actually have been speaking English called to ask if the computer had arrived.  I said yes.  She then told me that I’d be receiving an email survey about the customer service she had just provided me.  I explained that SHE called ME, and that in fact I was the one helping her (I didn’t bother to ask why Dell didn’t check with UPS instead of me).  But that I didn’t particularly care to send HER a survey.

She didn’t understand.  But then she asked if there was anything ELSE she could help me with.  At which point I asked her what she had already helped me with.

She didn’t understand that either.

Sure hope the folks designing and assembling the computers are a bit smarter.

Um, not Exactly My Dream Girlfriend

“I play a push-up game with my boyfriend. We take half a deck of cards, flip them over one by one, and whatever number shows up, he does that many push-ups and I do half…”

Champion marathoner Melissa White, quoted in “Runner’s World” magazine.

I’ve played a push-up game or two with a girlfriend, and it never involved half a deck of cards. And I’ll bet it was a lot more fun for both of us.

By the way, shouldn’t the name of the magazine be “Runners’ World” instead?   I don’t think the world belongs to only one runner.

The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People

I got this book as a gift.  The cover says there are over 15 million copies in print. That’s more than 10% of the entire work force!  Do you think that 10% of the work force is highly successful?  Has the success of the work force improved much since this book was first published?

Have you been to the Gap or Home Depot lately?

I think his next book will be titled “The Seven Million Dollars of Highly Successful Self-Help Book Authors.”  By the way, the Self-Help section in my local Barnes & Noble is in the basement.  That’ll do wonders for your self-esteem.

And if you really want my critique of this book– it’s based on ‘research’ done by the author.  NOT research of highly-successful people.  No, that’d make sense. It’s based on research of OTHER self-help type books written over the past two hundred years.  Most of which were themselves not based on any research.

In college we called this “Mushing all the small bits of left-overs together and throwing it in the microwave because you’re hungry and drunk and there’s nothing else to eat.”

My violent new years resolutions

If you think that saying “My bad” after doing something stupid is an automatic excuse, I will punch you in the face then say “My too.”

If you drive recklessly while talking on a cell phone I will snatch the cell phone out of your hand and throw it in the river.

If you’re at the front of an elevator and think that it’s polite and chivalrous to step half aside and partially block the door while waiting for others to exit first, I will shove you into traffic.  Or at least out of the elevator.  Just get out of the elevator.  And don’t stand there with your hand on the door acting like you’re helping.  There’s an electric eye– the doors won’t close on anybody. It’s not 1976 anymore.

Global warming is maybe two degrees a century.  Not a lot in terms of temperature change, just a lot in terms of its impact on the environment.  If you blame much warmer than usual weather, like a sixty degree day in NYC in January, on global warming, I will shove you into a melting glacier.

If you didn’t order dessert that means you don’t get to eat dessert.  Don’t think it gives you a license to stick your fork in mine.  You had your chance to order when I did.

One more thing: “If life hands you lemons, make lemonade.”  WAKE UP!  You don’t get lemonade from lemons.  You get lemon juice.  You need sugar to make lemonade. And if you had the sugar, you probably wouldn’t be complaining about the lemons, now, would you?

Welcome to Brooklyn

Posted on 12/08/2006

In some ways it’s a rite of passage for a comedian, especially a white comedian, to play at an urban club.  As you probably know if you’ve ever watched “Showtime at the Apollo,” some audiences don’t go to be entertained.  They go to boo the performers off stage.  Maybe it’s empowering; I don’t know as I’ve never been tempted, while sitting in the audience, to make the show about me and start booing.

Comedians, at least those who have enough sense to research and ask questions, know that the best way to approach this kind of audience is to get them laughing so soon that they want to pay attention instead of taking over the show.  And every comedian with any experience knows that if there’s an elephant in the room you have to address it.  I’ve just never before been the elephant.

Wednesday night was my first spot at an urban club.  I was the first comedian up after the emcee who conversed with the audience, told some jokes, and mentioned, not joking, about a recent NYPD shooting in which white officers fired 50 rounds at black men in a car, killing one of them on the morning of his wedding.

And then he introduced me by saying “Are y’all ready for some white people?” (‘some’ being a generous term; I was the only one)

I opened by saying that I didn’t mind being the whitest guy in the room, I just hated being the oldest guy in the room.  Then mentioned that the MC talked about “…the cops who shot fifty times, and then all of you turned to look at the white guy…”

“I didn’t shoot anybody fifty times, I didn’t shoot anybody forty times, I didn’t shoot anybody. The only thing I’ve EVER shot in my life was a Diet Coke can, and Diet Coke cans are WHITE.”

The only white guy in the room made people laugh and all was good in the world.  Or at least in that one room in Brooklyn.

Maybe I should stop making fun of their country

Posted on 7/3/2006

My web host allows me to see which countries have provided my site with the most visitors.  Of course the U.S. is on top by far.  Followed by Germany. More German visitors than from Canada, the U.K., Ireland, Australia, New Zealand and South Africa COMBINED!

Germany.  So now I have something in common with David Hasselhoff, good beer, people who like to drive really fast and this year’s World Cup.

A lot of Germans speak very good English, further proof we won the war.  Now if only we could go to war with the food service industry, so the busboy would understand me when I said “No, I’m NOT finished with that.”

I’m also popular in the Czech Republic, Poland, Holland and Japan, other countries I’ve never visited.  And I’m popular with people in the U.S. military, and more popular in Malaysia than in Sweden.  More in Fiji than in Switzerland, and I’ve been to Switzerland.  If you go to Switzerland, yes, eat the chocolate.  Skip their wine.  France is nearby, drink their wine instead. I’ve never performed in either country, but I made people laugh on an Air France flight a few years ago (in French) and I’ve had fun performing a few sentences in French in American comedy clubs with Swiss people in the audience.

Even though they hadn’t brought any chocolate.

Fat Jokes and Sex Shops

I installed some software that tracks how people found my website (www.BrainChampagne.com). It tells me the keywords that people may have used in a search engine that brought them to my site.

Of course many people come to the site seeking free comedy videos, or advice on how to tell a joke (I wrote a column), or jokes on selling (I spoke about marketing comedy and some info appears on the website).

Quite a large number of people are seeking fat jokes.

Two people (yes, two) were seeking sex shops in Raritan, NJ.  No, I don’t have a link on my site– but one page does include the words Sex, Shop and Raritan (in unrelated posts).

Two people searched for Florida Gun Safety Comedy.

And two people this month typed in Standup Comedian Starbucks.  I guess when you can’t sleep, you can search.

What Goes Around, Comes Around

Posted on 6/20/2006

As the woman walking in front of me on the sidewalk rummaged through her purse, a ten dollar bill flew out and landed in front of me.  I picked it up and caught up to her.  “Excuse me, miss…”

She turned around angrily.  “Can’t you see I’m on the phone!” she shouted.  I shrugged.  There was no evidence of a phone–nothing in her hand, no wire running to her head.  She brushed her hair back to reveal a wireless earpiece.

“See!” she scowled at me before turning away and returning to her phone call.

I kept the money.

Diary of a mad joke-writer

Posted on 3/31/2006

I wrote the perfect joke last night. Could not get to sleep. Around 3 AM I thought of it. Eight words. Just eight words. That’s it. Silly yet deep on so many levels.

I’m not normally a one-liner comic. Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I’m decent at writing jokes, so that’s what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch, punch, punch.

Now the comics reading this think they know where it’s going. Jokes that are funny at 3 AM usually dissolve in the daylight. But not this one. Eight words. Followed by a tag that went even deeper and yet politicized the joke.

This morning I woke up and I was still laughing. Tired, but laughing. Remembering that I have a show tonight, and a show on Saturday night. I couldn’t wait to tell this joke on stage.

All day I thought about this joke. By 3 PM, only twelve hours after this perfect joke was born, I had a third tag– another punch line that not only capitalized on the eight words, and not only built on the next tag, but also added to the joke AND made fun of it all in just another eleven words.

Word-efficiency! I’d have them on the floor in twenty five seconds.

Now you all see where this is going.

There were sixty people in the room, sixty people who had paid to hear jokes.

I wanted to open with this joke, to shake the building until the bottles fell off the bar.

But I was seventh in the line-up. Seventh, after the two drink minimum would have broken through everyone’s blood-brain barrier. And how could I follow the perfect joke? Everything else I say would pale in comparison.

So I thought maybe open with something tried and true. No sense knocking their socks off if they couldn’t feel their feet. And I did. An opening joke about a cab driver, The Bronx and arson. I know it works.

It did. All three tags. The three-liner. Another three-liner that builds upon the previous. Then the next tag, one sentence that makes them laugh, then groan. That suckers them in so I can point out the futility, the silliness, the irony of their groans. For another laugh. I’m such a whore.

Then the perfect eight words. The joke I’ve been thinking about for sixteen and one half hours.

Followed by the perfect silence.

It was so quiet I could hear the subway. The Montreal subway, three hundred and twenty five miles away.

And then the next tag.

That woke them up.

And the next?

I felt exonerated.

Remember The Rule: Do not open or close with a new joke, no matter how funny you think it is. Because YOU are not the judge, nor the jury. You are the prosecutor. Your job is simply to present the evidence. THEY will render the verdict.

There is a reason people state these rules. Because we never know what’s funny. I thought those eight words were perfect.

And in a way, they were. They were the perfect set-up to the two tags that followed.

I’ve had set-ups that got bigger laughs than the punch line. I’ve learned to live with that, even feel joy– hey, if they laugh, who cares what I thought when I wrote the joke? If they don’t laugh, it’s not a punch line. But if they laugh at the set-up, IT is a punch line.

So it’s only fair that once in a while, what I thought was the perfect punch line is only a good set-up. Not ONLY a good set-up. A good set-up for two very good punch lines.

Hey, if you set out to build a car that runs on dirt, and you end up building a car that runs on oranges, don’t fret. Plant oranges.

Copyright 2006 by Shaun Eli.  All rights reserved.  Including the rights to a car that runs on oranges, if you build it.

AND… THE UPDATE:

Wow.  Got on stage on Saturday night before a packed crowd.  So packed that they had to bring in more tables to seat everyone.

I went up fourth.  As I’ve mentioned, I prefer to go up early, before the two drink minimum gets through the blood-brain barrier.  Fourth is good.

I opened my set the same way I did the night before.  Went into the eight word line, but this time thinking of it as the set-up to the two tags that follow (actually three tags now– I thought of another on the way to the club).

Worked just fine.  I’m happy.

What’s the joke?  Come to a show.  You’ll know which one it is.

See you at the clubs,

Women are Funny

Posted on 3/25/2006

Over the last month four different female comedians have spoken with me about the troubles in being a female comedian. One said that comedy was rough for women because club owners, bookers and producers often hit on the comedians, making it difficult for them to rebuff these advances and still get booked on shows. I, occasionally billed as a feminist male comedian, do notice the difficulties women go through in this business. It is harder for women to get booked than it is for men.

In the early eighties when I started going to NYC comedy clubs regularly as a fan, bookers were less likely to hire female comedians. They said that audiences didn’t like women comics, that all they did was talk about their periods and complain about men. Some club owners were even quoted as saying that women simply weren’t funny enough. It was very rare to see more than one woman in the line-up, even if the show had a dozen comedians.

And unfortunately, when people see a small amount of truth in something, they may believe the whole thing. The small amount of truth being that in fact there was a percentage of working female comics who did talk about their periods and complain about men. Sure, male comics talked about their girlfriends but they were more likely to say “MY girlfriend stinks” whereas the females were saying “ALL men stink” and for an audience there’s a difference between the two statements. I’m not her boyfriend but I am a man, and I’m therefore being insulted for my gender.

Some generalizations may have had a bit of truth twenty years ago, but no longer.

It’s been my observation lately that at amateur shows and open-mikes in NYC around thirty five percent of the comedians are female (this is more than a guess– I’ve been counting). The percentage of professional female working comics is probably much lower. But before the statisticians start calling, I do need to point out that you can’t compare the two– you’d have to look at the proportion of female amateur comics several years ago vs. working comics now (and not just in NYC) because it takes years to go from starting out to making money. And maybe only one percent ever make it to the professional level.

It takes a long time for things to change. Right now one NYC comedy club, Laugh Lounge, is owned and booked by a woman, and the person who first auditions comedians at The Comic Strip is also a woman. Many other clubs have women who book/produce shows. And if you look at who is booked at some rooms, the proportion of women seems to be on the rise. There’s no Title IX in comedy, but there are women who are doing all they can to help other women succeed. Change is happening. Not terribly fast, but faster than it would happen without the women in comedy who are there helping other women. But there is a group of people who can help women comedians even more than the bookers and other comedians can. It’s you. How can you help? Keep reading.

Some people say that one reason that men are more successful in the business world is that while women tend to seek consensus, men are more likely to try to win people over to their point of view. Genetics? Upbringing? Sexism? A combination of all three? We don’t know. I will say this about comedians– search for comedians on the web and you will discover a lot more male comedians than female comedians, and the men’s sites are more likely to have content that draws you in– as an example, look at my site (www.BrainChampagne.com) or Steve Hofstetter’s (www.SteveHofstetter.com). Of course there are exceptions– Laurie Kilmartin’s website (www.Kilmartin.com) is a good example of a woman’s comedy website with a lot of content. But only 15% of the comedians choosing to list themselves on ComedySoapbox.com are women, and an equally small proportion of the comedians who regularly post blogs, one of the site’s most popular features, are women. Marketing is very important in comedy– the more we promote, the more people we get to shows. And it’s putting people in seats that gets us booked.

I’ve learned that the comedy business is half about being funny and the other half is about people. The business really runs on favors. You gave me a spot last year when I asked for one, so I’ll tell my agent about you. You introduced me to this booker, so come open for me on the road. You gave me a ride home when I was sick and it was raining, now I have a TV show so come audition for it. Successful comedians have learned to be nice to other comedians– more than half their help as they start in the business will come from other comics.

Want to know the reason that comedy clubs put on theme shows such as Latino comics or gay comics? Because they attract an audience. Vote with your feet– if you see that NYC’s Gotham Comedy Club is putting on an all-women show, go to it. If the room is full the owners will notice and put on more of these shows. They’ll probably also put more female comics into the regular line-up. If you go to The Comic Strip because Judy Gold or Veronica Mosey or Karen Bergreen is playing, mention how much of a fan you are within earshot of the person at the door. Amateur comedians are told that one step in getting noticed is when the waitresses at comedy clubs start talking about them– they see a hundred comedians a week and what they say carries some weight. More importantly, if you, a paying customer, let it be known why you went to a show, you will be heard. It’s not exactly as scientific as the Nielsen ratings, but it works.

Why aren’t female comedians getting their share of TV shows? Where’s Laurie Kilmartin’s sitcom, or Jessica Kirson’s? I don’t know. I don’t think TV executives are geniuses, and surely they prefer going with what has already worked instead of risking something new, but if the few female-centered shows were drawing in huge ratings, the networks would notice. There seem to be a lot of television shows about young women– they’re all on UPN or WB. How are they doing? Obviously well enough that we’re getting more of them. It actually took Fox to put on a number of TV shows about black families (after very few of them on network… “Good Times,” “The Jeffersons” and “The Cosby Show” come to mind) and now there are a lot of them. And black people are what, fifteen percent of the country? Women, you’re are more than half, and I’m pretty sure you all own televisions.

Why aren’t there any women hosting late-night talk shows, traditionally a job given to a stand-up comedian? I don’t know. Joan Rivers had a shot at The Tonight Show but she blew it. Frankly I really liked her on Monday nights but I don’t know if I could have watched her five nights a week because she was, to me, more of a character than a person I wanted to invite into my home on a regular basis. I would quickly get sick of having so much of her. I would have said the same thing about Rodney Dangerfield, by the way. But perhaps this is still the result of sexism. Possibly women in comedy have to be more character-driven in order to get to the top, and then at the top they’re locked into their character. Roseanne and Ellen got sitcoms, but Jay Leno got the comedian’s biggest prize. I think he does a fabulastic job and I’m thrilled he buys some of my jokes, but when Johnny Carson retired part of me wanted Rita Rudner to get the job.

A long time ago people said that women would never be TV stars, until Lucille Ball proved them wrong. In the eighties people said that the traditional sitcom was dead because it had been done to death, until “The Cosby Show” showed that the problem was not the sitcom format but simply that we needed better sitcoms. For a long time people said that standup comedy as a TV show or movie theme wouldn’t work, until Jerry Seinfeld proved them wrong. Some people even say that Kevin Costner will never be in a movie without baseball. Eventually he may prove them wrong too. There will consistently be number one sitcoms starring women. Maybe even, shockingly, with me, a feminist male, as the head writer of one of them. What will make these shows number one? When you all watch them. That’s what made Oprah the Queen of daytime TV. Viewers. It’s as simple as that.

And before you go completely batty, remember that while the winners of all three seasons of “Last Comic Standing” were men, not one has a TV show. Pamela Anderson has had how many?

You want more female comics to succeed? Get yourself to their shows. There are thousands of comedy clubs in big cities, in little cities and even occasional professional comedy shows in small towns, all over the United States. Comedy is a business; it runs on money. Your money is your vote. Go out and vote.

Feminist Male Comedian sm

Note: This was written for publication last year and never run.

The Stupidity of Being Dishonest

Written 2/17/2006

Yesterday someone I don’t know contacted me through the feedback form on my website. She said that she was taking a friend out and asked if I could mail her eight free tickets, and mentioned a particular date.

A date when I do not have a show scheduled (and my website lists my schedule).

There are some shows I do where I can occasionally ask the club to comp people’s cover charge, so I wrote a nice email to the address she gave on the feedback form.

I said that I didn’t have a show that night, but that I appreciated her interest. I explained that most of the clubs at which I perform don’t have actual tickets but simply add the cover charge to the bill at the end of the show. And that I would be happy to let her know the next time I could get the club to waive the cover charge for her entire party.

The email bounced. She filled out the contact form but didn’t give me her correct email address (she gave me her mailing address for the tickets, but lied about her email address).

So she’s not going to receive my offer of free tickets, because though I emailed her, at this point I don’t think it’s worth my while to type out a letter, print it out, fill out an envelope, put a stamp on it, and mail it to her. Even if I did, I doubt she’d bother to write back to tell me whether she’s actually coming, so why would I go through all that trouble for someone who might not even show up?

No, an actual letter is too much work. I’d rather just blog about it.

Cheney should have served in the military

Written on 2/13/2006

Because in the military they teach you an important rule: You’re not supposed to shoot your friends.

What a bizarre country. The Secret Service uses a vast amount of resources to protect our leaders, but then they give people shotguns and say “Feel free to stand near the vice president and shoot at quail. Try not to hit any people.” And this confused some of the older Secret Service personnel because two vice presidents ago was a guy named Quayle.

Do you get the feeling that if it had been the other way around, that if Vice President Cheney’s friend had been the one doing the shooting and had accidentally hit the vice president that he’d have been sent off to Guantanamo Bay and never be heard from again?

In other news, the author of “Jaws” died over the weekend. Ironically, he was eaten by an alligator.

In Today’s News– from the front page of the Bloomberg Professional Service

Created on 1/12/2006

Since registration dates are getting earlier and earlier each year, couples in NYC are advised to register their future children for private pre-schools and summer camps prior to having sex during ovulation

Wal-mart is being sued in Pennsylvania for requiring its employees to work for free through breaks and after their shifts end. “You have a friend in Pennsylvania…” you just can’t see him because he’s in the stock room on his lunch hour.

I suggest starting the trial at 9 AM and not stopping for anything until the jury has reached a verdict.

The U.S. Trade Deficit has started shrinking as exports reached a record. Apparently now foreigners have enough money to start shopping at our country’s new Going Out Of Business Sale.

California regulators have approved a $2.5 billion subsidy program for solar energy. It’s a trick. Good luck getting the sun to sign off on it.

“Supreme Court nominee Alito Seeks to Assure Democratic Lawmakers of Views on Presidential Powers”– does this remind anybody of every movie and TV show where someone makes a deal with Satan but somehow Satan cheats and wins? No matter what Alito says, once he’s confirmed he’s in for life, which could be a very long time unless he accepts a ride home from Senator Kennedy, a pretzel from President Bush or signs a $50 million deal with Comedy Central.

Home Depot says that the S.E.C. has made an informal request for information on the company’s dealings with vendors. I hope they’re more successful than I’ve been with all my requests for information from anyone from Home Depot. I’m still waiting for a response to my question about the generator I’m thinking of buying for Y2K.

“Cape Cod Indians Worry Abramoff Links May Hurt Casino Chances, U.S. Aid”– Listen, we all feel bad for how this country has treated, and continues to treat, Native Americans. But hey, aid OR casinos, okay? One or the other. You don’t need both.

“Toyota, Bullish on U.S., Doubles 2006 Sales Growth Target Set Last Week”– apparently their executives stopped by a Chevy dealership yesterday and revised all their sales goals upward. When they finished laughing.

“Federated to Sell Lord & Taylor to Focus on Macy’s”– The company has hired JPMorgan Chase and Goldman, Sachs to advise them on the sale. Maybe this is why sales are down– when a retailer needs two investment banks to tell them how to sell, something is clearly wrong.

Wine with Food? How about Wine with Movies?

Posted on 1/7/06

Millions of words have been written about which wines go with which foods. To the best of my knowledge up until now no one has written about which wines go with which movies. This occurred to me as I was fetching a wine to drink as I screened “The Godfather” for about the fifth or sixth time.

Many people might suggest a Chianti or Barolo but I think a strong red zinfandel such as a Martinelli or Hartford would be a better choice. The taste seems to follow the sepia tones of the film, and more than one Italian-American has told me that red zin reminds him of the wine his father used to make at home. Besides, zin would go better with the cannoli.

For “When Harry Met Sally” I’d suggest an over-oaked chardonnay.

“American Graffiti”– a blanc de blancs Champagne.

“The Producers”– an inexpensive ice wine (Selaks from New Zealand, for example, where they pick the grapes then place them in a freezer instead of the more traditional method of letting them freeze on the vine).

“The Taking of Pelham One Two Three”– cough medicine.

“Casablanca” anyone?

Goodbye, old cell phone

Posted on 12/1/2005

I won’t miss your easily broken antenna, your scratched screen or that fact that your charger plug is loose and I sometimes have to jiggle the phone to get it to recharge. I will miss your choice of ring tones. I hope the battered spouse who receives this now-donated phone gets through to 911 when she or he needs to. I know I always did.

My new phone comes with 35 ring tones, each one annoying. But it has a camera that has already helped me fight a parking ticket I received because apparently not all ticket agents have the same definition of “Sunday” as the rest of the city.

I’ll miss some of the numbers I didn’t bother copying to my new phone. Such as the woman I dated two or three times who kept saying she wanted to see me again, but apparently she defines “see me again” the same way at least one ticket agent defines “Sunday.” I don’t know when it is, but it never got scheduled whenever I asked.

I won’t miss the woman I dated for three months who still had to schedule our Friday and Saturday night dates around all her internet secret first dates that she thought I didn’t know about. Won’t miss her even though she was quite lovely-looking, always smiling, a genuinely happy person, the only one with all three of her numbers (home, cell and work) in my phone.

I’ll miss the woman I dated for five months, dated until I gently asked her what the cause of her twitching was. I thought it might be a form of Tourette’s Syndrome, but I’ll never know because she denied twitching (“What hump?” for those of you who remember the movie “Young Frankenstein”) and then broke up with me. Her loss; her shy cat was beginning to like me, an accomplishment previous boyfriends had never achieved.

I’ll miss the fact that I could call my parents by pressing one button and saying “Folks.” Now I have to flip the phone open and push two keys. Way too much effort to say hi to the people who brought me into this world and raised me with values I appreciate and want to instill in my future children. Especially because every time I call them they tell me how much they love me and how much something in their house needs fixing and when can I come over and do it? Not tomorrow? Saturday, then? I’ll always suggest Sunday.

I’ll miss having a booker’s cell number programmed directly into my phone and being able to call her anytime I wanted to confirm shows. I’m sure she’s not missing it.

I’ll miss seeing my ex-girlfriend Jen’s phone number in the phone, even though I didn’t call her after we broke up (for those of you saying “They’re ALL named Jennifer” this was Jen #3). I have fond memories of my time with Jen #3–I was dating her when I started stand-up comedy, and if you’ve heard my joke about dating a doctor, that’s Jen. Actually I did contact her recently– she’s married and eight months pregnant. She’s possibly only the second long-term girlfriend I’ve had who didn’t almost immediately after our breakup marry a doctor. But that’s maybe not exactly an exception to the rule because SHE’S a doctor; perhaps the rule is that ONE of them has to be a doctor. She’ll make a great mom. She’s so good with babies and children. And yes, she’s a pediatrician, just as the joke goes.

I won’t miss the most recent ex-girlfriend, the one who broke my heart by not falling in love with me even though I thought we were perfect together, right down to the compatibility of our stuffed animals and that we both referred to her liquid soap dispenser as the soap house and to my bedroom as the sleeping pod. I won’t miss her because her number is in my new phone, which I got just before we broke up. Oh, her photos are there, too, and they come up when she calls me. A photo of her when she calls from home, and a photo of her holding her cell phone camera, taking a picture of me, when she calls from her cell phone.

I’d give up the cell phone entirely to have her back and in love with me, but since that’s not going to happen, buy some stock in Verizon. I’ll be putting new numbers in the phone and making a lot of calls.

The On-line Dating Dictionary– some help for on-line daters

“I work hard and play hard” means I work too many hours then get really, really drunk and throw up on your new shoes.

“I want to experience all that NYC has to offer” means “I’ve lived here for ten years and still the only things I can think of to do are to see movies and go to dinner with my friends.”

Fat means fat… Zaftig means fat… Medium means fat… In Shape means fat (spherical is a shape)… Firm and toned means fat and will beat you up for saying it… Thin means fat (people lie)… A few extra pounds– “in the right places” means… the right place is ELSEWHERE! Be glad it’s nowhere near you!

“I like going to new restaurants” means “I like going to the newest, most expensive restaurants. And just being able to pay is not enough– you have to be able to get a reservation at the newest restaurant two minutes after I call and tell you about it.”

“My glass is half-full” means “I think I’m an optimist but since I can’t think of any examples I’ll just use an old cliche.”

ANYTHING IN ALL CAPS- I WILL SHOUT AT YOU through our entire first (and last) date.

Consultant- lost my job.

Self-employed- lost my job years ago.

Entrepreneur- lost my job two years ago but I found a thesaurus.

Enterpernuer- lost my job two years ago, found a thesaurus but didn’t look at it all that carefully.

“I’m intelligant”- maybe, but you’re not intelligent.

“My friends and family are very important to me” means “Daddy pays my rent so I answer the phone when he calls.”

“Communication is key” so after one date if you stop returning my phone calls, eventually I’ll figure out you may not want to talk to me anymore.

I love to travel” (woman) if I won’t sleep with you in NYC, I won’t sleep with you in Paris either. But I encourage you to fly me there just to make sure.

“I love to travel” (man)- If my team is doing well, I’ll disappear every away-game weekend to watch them play, and, win or lose, I’ll forget to call you when I’m away.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (woman)- remember, “life” includes your American Express Gold Card and Tiffany’s.

“I enjoy all that life has to offer” (man)- I expect you to offer me everything I can think of, and I’ve watched a lot of porn.

“Please be able to laugh at yourself” because this Sunday at brunch with my friends, we will all be laughing at you, and I don’t want you to dump my egg-white omelette/beer in my lap if you happen to be nearby and overhear.

“Loyalty is very important to me”- my last three lovers cheated on me.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Woman)- No, really, she’s not.

“I am just as happy to sit at home and watch a movie as I am going out.” (Man)- Don’t expect me to buy you dinner past the third date- I expect you to cook me dinner if I bring a DVD over.

“I’m as comfortable in a sexy black cocktail dress as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” or “I’m as comfortable in a tuxedo as I am in jeans and a t-shirt” Because I’ve put on weight and my jeans no longer fit.

“I’m down to earth”- I’m shorter than most of my friends.

“I’m not good at writing about myself but this is what my friends say about me”- I have no idea who I am so I copied a bunch of ideas from other people’s profiles.

The Name is Shaun

Posted on 11/04/2005

Often people ask me “Is Shaun a Jewish name?” or “How can you be Jewish and be named Shaun?”

Let me clear up the uncertainty. Shaun is very much a Jewish name. Prominent in the Bible were Shaun Macabee who saved the Jewish people from massacre when a tiny bit of oil burned for eight days (the holiday Shanukah celebrates this). There was also King Shaun, famous for such inspirations of brilliance as suggesting cutting a baby in half (nowadays, of course, with extended and convoluted families we cut babies into eighths, like pizza). And, in the Talmud, Rebbe Shaun of Letichev is very prominent, known for such wise sayings as “Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is better than doing nothing at all” and “”Instead of adding so much salt when you’re cooking, why don’t you leave it on the table and let the individual diners salt the meal according to their own tastes?”

Shauns are famous for more modern accomplishments as well. Shaun Graham Bell invented the telephone; later his grandson Shaun Walker Bell invented the cell phone, after an unsuccessful career as an oil man and an attempt to invent the smell phone.

Shaun Einstein, of course, was responsible for the famous saying “Nice work, Einstein!”

And then there was the Japanese engineer Shaun Ota, who invented a toy that later became a car. Of course he named it after himself. Yes, the ToyOta.

Copyright 2005 by Shaun Eli Breidbart. All rights reserved, except feel free to name your son Shaun. Everyone else is doing it.

News of the Day

Posted on 10/27/2005

The NYC Transit Authority is looking for ways to spend an unanticipated billion dollar surplus. How about… soap?

Or maybe a joint marketing promotion with Gillette– buy a Metrocard, get a coupon for a stick of deodorant.

arriet Miers withdrew her name for nomination to the Supreme Court. I find it hard to understand how the extreme right wing that got Bush elected won’t believe their extreme right wing president when he says Trust me, I’ve known her for years and she’s as right-wing as the rest of us.

Perhaps someone found a bad review of brownies she made for the Klan’s bake sale? Because that wasn’t she, it was Trent Lott.

Is it possible that someone found evidence that Harriet Miers is not a virgin?

Tropical storm Beta is now forming in the Caribbean. Beta? Are we TESTING storms now?

News stories show Floridians lining up for food and water… but they’re not Floridians, that’s just the end of the long line of Louisianans still standing in line.

Buying a Job

Posted on 10/25/2005

The Laugh Factory in L.A. recently auctioned off (proceeds go to Katrina victims) the opening spot in an upcoming Jon Lovitz stand-up comedy show. The winning bid was over $7,000. My smaller bid was apparently not enough.

Bidding for stage time? Why would a comedian do that? Please let me explain why I bid.

$2750 for a ten minute spot at The Laugh Factory

Bush’s four year term in The White House

At that rate, it would cost you $576,576,000* to buy a four-year term in the White House. Here are some advantages of buying the time on stage vs. buying the presidency:

1. I can finance the $2750 myself, with no help needed from Exxon, Philip Morris or the gun lobby.

2. The tape of my spot will surely have fewer gaffs than any ten minutes of Bush in front of a camera.

3. I can say whatever I want without worrying about offending those who claim to support me. I can contradict myself, change my mind, even insult myself.

4. The money goes to help Katrina victims, unlike any money actually being spent by the Bush administration.

5. I can leave early, and they won’t put Cheney on stage.

*Calculation based on 24 hours. The president isn’t any more productive when he’s awake, so why not include the time he’s sleeping?

ARE They on The Job?

Posted on 10/19/2005

On September 26th I wrote about a problem I had with the NYPD, and how they finally responded that they were doing something about it. I’d tried to report a crime, volunteering information as a witness, and I was pushed off from precinct to precinct as nobody wanted to take ownership of investigating this crime. This because precinct commanders are rated on how well they decrease crime in their territories, so they do what they can to prevent people from actually filing a police report.

Two days after my blog I got a letter from the precinct commander. The letter apologized for taking six months to get back to me but giving me the good news that an arrest was made and that the Manhattan District Attorney’s office was prosecuting the case.

Good news if it were true. But it’s not. I called the D.A. on the case. He said that while he’d like to continue, they haven’t been able to locate the perpetrator, and without being able to bring him in, they don’t bother issuing an arrest warrant (apparently they, or indictments, expire).

When I finished college, returned to NY and was living in The Bronx I was called for jury duty. A simple case– two cops saw a guy with a gun and arrested him. This was pretty easy because in 1989 in The Bronx about one in three people walked around with an illegal handgun. The defendant was a twice-convicted felon who contradicted himself on the stand. An easy verdict, I thought.

We couldn’t reach a verdict. Why not? Because the other jurors didn’t believe anything the cops said. Why would they lie, I asked.

“Because that’s what cops do,” they explained. “You naive child of the suburbs, babies cry, old people die and cops lie. That’s what they do. They don’t need a reason. They just do. Like alcoholics drink, cops lie.”

Eventually we convicted the guy, but it took a whole day of deliberations (more on this in a future blog).

My father is a retired law enforcement officer, a veteran, and someone I look up to as a model of integrity.

But tomorrow, when I start another round of jury duty, I won’t be thinking about my father’s honesty. Foremost on my mind might be how the NYPD is telling me what they think I want to hear, with reckless disregard for the truth.

Inspector, the next time your officers lose a case in court, keep in mind, you might also be to blame.

Attention Commuters

I could swear I heard this announcement in Grand Central Terminal this morning:

“Please be advised that the Constitutional rights of anyone carrying a backpack or other large item are subject to violation at any time.”

The NYPD is on the case

In February I was a witness to a non-violent crime. When I called the relevant precinct to make a statement and to give them further information on the crime they told me it wasn’t in their area, and to call a different precinct. Six phone calls later, all to find out which precinct covered that address (no exaggeration, seven phone calls in total) I was steered back to the first place I called. This is, of course, after the responding officers told the victims that what happened wasn’t illegal (it was clearly a premeditated fraud, and the District Attorney’s office looked into it but apparently never issued an arrest warrant for the perp).

It’s well-known in NYC that precinct commanders are judged by the amount of crime in their precincts and they will do anything they can to get that number down, even if it means implying that their officers try to avoid taking police reports. I’m sure that they’re great and brave when it comes to risking their lives to catch violent criminals, but if it’s just a property crime, well, too bad. Someone ripped the mirror off your car? Sorry, that’s a matter between you and your insurance company. Your druggie son stole your jewelry? Well, we’re not family counseling, we’re cops.

I sent an e-mail to the NYPD suggesting that they do something to stop their officers from deterring people from reporting crimes and that they post legible precinct maps on the city’s website (there’s one on the internet but it’s not detailed enough to be useful around the precinct borders). I also mentioned the crime and suggested that someone call me for further information.

Well guess what? Today (September 26th) I got a call from an officer at the precinct that covers the location. Seven months later, he’s getting back to me. He said that he’s new in that precinct, and to call him directly if I have any future problems in his precinct.

I’m glad the FDNY works on a different time-table.

From now on, whenever anyone says iPod, you have to say “You pod?”

Why do motorcyclists rev their engines at stoplights?

Because twisting a small penis doesn’t make the same loud noise.

Why do Harley riders rev their engines at stoplights?

To keep them from stalling.

Our MBA President

I just want to remind everyone that when George Bush ran for president the American people were promised that this first “MBA President” would apply business techniques to government, making it operate more efficiently.

The deficit, the war in Iraq and the feeble response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrate that while our “MBA President” may have mastered the principles of financial leverage by running up record deficits, he is a miserable failure at strategic planning.

I Was Wrong

All this time I thought that big business should not be running the country, that the government should be separate from industry. That the logging industry should not control our forests, that oil company executives should not be writing our energy policy.

I was wrong. We need the government completely run by corporations. For example, we should have Costco, McDonald’s and FedEx running FEMA– they would have had all the stranded flood victims fed and evacuated in about a day.

Too bad President Bush cut the government’s $40 Costco membership fee from this year’s budget, or we’d have had a lot more drinking water to ship…

It’s been reported that the government was asked for funding to repair the New Orleans levees but the president cut their funding to an amount insufficient to prevent last week’s disaster. That’s typical government thinking– someone asks for money, they give him less, and it’s not enough to solve the problem. When it’s a social program, typically the democrats ask for money, the republicans don’t give them enough, then when the program doesn’t succeed due to lack of funding, the republicans say “See, it doesn’t work.”

In this case I presume that either party would do what they can to cut the budget, and preventing this disaster was one of the items cut. But we’re the richest country in the world– we can afford to fix everything, but apparently tax cuts for the rich were more important than the lives of 100,000 poor people in Louisiana.

If you went to a plastic surgeon and were told that the procedure has a one in a thousand chance of complications, you’d probably go ahead with the surgery. Unless the doctor said that “by procedure I mean each time I press the Suck button on the liposuction machine, and I do that five hundred times during an operation,” because with such terrible odds you’d be nuts to go ahead with the procedure.

The levees breaking was maybe a one in a thousand chance. But I wonder how many other long-shot emergency items have also been cut. Are there more Katrina/New Orleans levees waiting to happen? And what are we doing about it?

As hard as it is for a black person to catch a cab in the city, it’s clear that it’s even harder to hail a helicopter.

Posted on 09/01/2005

President Bush has praised the newly-proposed Iraqi Constitution. You know he hasn’t read it…. He hasn’t even read OUR Constitution.

Volunteers are flocking to hurricane-damaged areas to help out. Hey, they HAVE people! Plenty of people, people with nothing to do. They need people with some SKILLS, like utility workers, not more unskilled people they have to house and feed. Turn your truck around, Gus, and go back home. The two hundred bucks you would have spent on gas to drive to New Orleans? Give it to charity, let them buy food for the hurricane victims, and use THEIR expertise to get it to Biloxi and New Orleans.

Dolce & Gabbana announced that they plan to begin selling low-rise jeans for men. Low-rise MEN’S jeans? This would be horrible… if any men actually shopped at Dolce & Gabbana.

Posted on 08/24/2005

President Bush is meeting Chinese President Hu. President Hu? This has Bad International Incident written all over it.

Last week Madonna was injured falling off a horse. Usually it’s the other way around.

The president of Turkmenistan has outlawed all lip-synching, even at private parties. Let’s call this what it is– the first step toward a total international ban on karaoke. My friend Phil, stationed in Ashgabat, probably doesn’t realize how lucky he is.

After calling for the assassination of Venezuelan President Chavez, Pat Robertson is now saying he was misinterpreted… even though he clearly talked about assassination. Perhaps somebody showed him a copy of the Ten Commandments, so he’s trading in “Thou Shalt Not Kill” for “Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness.” I have no comment on the Commandment “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Oil.”

I am tired of people writing editorials and letters to newspapers saying that if politicians are for the war in Iraq why aren’t their children in the military? This is not a relevant question:

Their children, once they reach 18, are free to make up their own minds. Not only is it not their parent’s decision, but it’s also wrong to assume that the children of pro Iraq war politicians are also for the war.

Furthermore, the children of politicians may be able to make other, equally important, contributions to society. I don’t think too many people would take someone who could be a brilliant cancer researcher and say “Hey, grab this rifle– you may not be a better shot than the next guy, but hey, screw the cancer research and start shooting.”

Yes, I realize I’m defending the president’s drunken daughters. But now that they’re adults, they’re free to opt to spend the rest of their lives getting drunk instead of defending our country. As long as they don’t get so drunk that they throw up on the Japanese Prime Minister’s daughters.

Hey, at least they don’t have their own reality show. I guess it’s because their daddy already does.

New Scientific Study on Business Productivity

A new study conducted by the Wharton School of Business in conjunction with the Pew Research Institute and the Marist Poll determined that the personal computer has increased American productivity by 34%… but that American workers now spend 47% of their work day playing on the internet.

Disagree? Where the hell are you sitting right now? And where were you sitting the first time you found www.BrainChampagne.com?

Please bookmark www.BrainChampagne.com and read it every morning on company time.

NBC’s Newest Show

Since the finale of their show “I Want To Be A Hilton” didn’t get the ratings they expected, the network has announced a follow-up contest show: “I Want To Beat The Crap Out Of A Hilton With A Louisville Slugger.”

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Four Cops Stopped Me

Posted on 08/01/2005

They stopped me from getting on my train. They took me aside and said that they wanted to look in my backpack.

I said no. My backpack contained no contraband, only my date book, cell phone, some magazines, some confidential business papers, and a copy of the Constitution. Really. It’s in my backpack. Hey, some people carry the whole Bible. Oh, and about a half-dozen empty soda cans. I’m a caffeine addict, an environmentalist, and thrifty. Nobody needed to know that.

When “Seinfeld” first went on the air, my roommate and I wrote a spec. script for the show. The producer wrote back, saying no thanks, but explained that they didn’t know what they were looking for, because they were new at this and had no idea what they were doing. It was a nice letter, nicer now in hindsight because apparently, knowledge or not, they did just fine.

I wrote another script. You’ll see why this is relevant in a few hundred words.

I asked the police officer if she would prevent me from getting on my train if I refused to consent to a search. She said yes. I told her “Then I guess I’m taking the next train.”

Which I did, though I used a different entrance to the platform so they wouldn’t entirely keep me from getting home. Which I would have done with my regular train, but I didn’t have enough time.

As you know if you’ve read my earlier blog I think these random searches are a stupid, and unconstitutional, idea. Stupid because you can say no, which means that anybody carrying something illegal can just leave (okay, they caught one idiot carrying M-80 fireworks, but so far that’s it). It’s not a great use of thousands of police and civilian hours. And because a terrorist could choose to blow himself/herself up right there, killing civilians AND the police officers. Or, as I did, simply take another train. And unconstitutional because the Constitution says “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated…” By my way of thinking, the right to stop anybody, at any time, claiming the “right” to search their belongings, is unreasonable. My time is a valuable resource, and I don’t need the police looking through papers of mine which might be confidential, through property of mine which might be embarrassing, because they think that random stops deter terrorism. What if I were a journalist, an attorney, an investment banker or a doctor, carrying papers that were not for the police to examine? It might not be only MY rights which were being violated.

I called my parents to tell them that I was thinking of notifying the ACLU that I was stopped, and that I was volunteering should the ACLU, of which I am not a member, decide to sue to stop these random searches.

Both parents were against it. My mother said that the government had new powers, powers to which she is opposed, but you can’t fight them. My father also thought I shouldn’t fight.

My father’s family lost everything in the Great Depression, and his father died when he was young. My father fought in World War II (on our side). My mother came here from Russia, her parents fleeing totalitarianism. They abandoned everything they had when they came here, and were dirt poor back when there was no Welfare and Brooklyn still had plenty of dirt. My mother had to walk miles to college when she didn’t have the nickel for the trolley (really). Yet somehow she and her sister managed to get through college and a master’s degree program– because back then, City College was truly free.

Mom told me that even after living in the U.S. for decades, when her father saw a police officer he walked the other way. Because for his entire life in Russia, nothing good ever came out of a possible confrontation with a police officer. Keep in mind he was a Jew in a small town in Russia, where for sport the Cossacks would get drunk and beat up Jews for no reason. My family was smart– they got into the alcohol business so they had some control– if you’re drinking, the last person you want to beat up is the guy who makes the booze. But still it wasn’t a great life for them. Of course once they got here, like so many other immigrants, they had to start over.

Neither of my parents had it easy. Yet somehow they not only got through it, they raised three sons who, between all of us, have seven Ivy League degrees (one of which is mine).

When I told my parents that I intended to volunteer to fight the searches—— Well, this was the first time I’d ever heard either of them actually sound scared of anything. My parents. Two of the toughest people I’ve ever known, and my circle of acquaintances has included Olympic gold medal rowers, U.S. Marines, a pediatric oncologist, Israeli commandos, black belts in karate.

My own parents, scared of OUR OWN GOVERNMENT.

In AMERICA. The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Which made me realize I’m doing the right thing by volunteering to fight this. Because, as someone once said, and has often been quoted, the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.

Okay, now to explain the Seinfeld reference. I wrote a second spec. script. A couple of months later I watched as they aired MY SCRIPT. The same two plots, virtually the same story, some of even the same types of sentences and ideas. Yet I hadn’t even heard from them, and you can be sure that someone else was listed as the writer. I was LIVID. STEAMING. READY TO EXPLODE, for the five minutes it took me to realize that I hadn’t yet sent them my second script.

Yes. A co-incidence. Wow.

So, let’s say I wasn’t Shaun. I was darker-skinned, named Abdul or Mohammed, carrying a copy of the Koran. And they’d stopped me.

Do you think I’d have thought I was chosen randomly? Of course not.

So, not only do these random searches waste time, frighten people, waste resources that could be put to better use, but they also risk convincing people that they are the victims of stereotyping, of discrimination, of the violation of their equal rights. That too is a risk we should not be taking. Because people come to this country to ESCAPE that, not to experience it. We’re supposed to be the best country in the world, the one in which everyone wants to live, the shining example for the rest of the world to follow. Not just the richest. The most just. The one with the lady in the harbor, welcoming your “…tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” She’s been here more than a hundred years, yet we haven’t even had the decency to give her a full name. I suggest Janette Liberté. But that’s another story.

As an aside: I am for the legalization of marijuana. Also for the legalization of marajuana and the legalization of marihuana. Any drug that has three different spellings is fine with me.

Someone else once said, of nazi Germany, “When they came for the communists, I didn’t speak up because I was not a communist. When they came for the Jews, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Jew. When they came for the Catholics, I didn’t speak up because I was not a Catholic. When they came for me, there was no one left to speak up.”

I have to speak up. We have to draw the line somewhere. Better now than later.

I had no drugs in my bag. I do not use marijuana, by any spelling. But I feel that cannabis (this saves me from favoring a particular spelling) is probably less dangerous than alcohol, has been shown to have few if any harmful side-effects (okay, if you overeat because you smoked some then you may risk heart disease) and yet it’s illegal while alcohol and regular cigarettes, which kill hundreds of thousands of Americans a year, are legal.

Gee, I wonder who’s making those campaign donations. Hello?

So, since I’m against arresting people for possession of, or use of (as long as they’re not driving), cannabis, I think that these random searches inhibit people’s ability to buy, transport, sell and use the drug. Another reason to oppose these searches.

If enough people say no, maybe we can make a difference. Maybe instead of searching randomly they’ll put their brains to use to find a better way to stop terrorists. Because, guess what? The terrorists know they’re searching backpacks on NYC public transit. Heard of Philadelphia mass transit? Heard of the local supermarket? Heard of hiding a bomb under your shirt, instead of in a backpack? So have the terrorists. If you try to stop them somewhere, they’ll figure out where else to go. Stop looking backwards for train bombers, and think progressively, and figure out where they’re going NEXT. Like you should have, schmucks running our country, before September 11th. Because, as I said in a letter to the New York Times that was published three years ago, “Terrorists had previously tried to destroy the World Trade Center. The White House had received warnings of hijackings. A 1994 Tom Clancy novel depicted a terrorist crashing a 747 into the Capitol Building during a joint meeting of Congress. Just about everybody who had ever played Microsoft’s Flight Simulator game before Sept. 11 had crashed an imaginary airplane into a virtual World Trade Center.” I wrote this letter after Condoleeza Rice, then our National Security Advisor, said “I don’t think anybody could have predicted that these people would take an airplane and slam it into the World Trade Center.”

Hey, wake up and smell your job description.

To quote the leader of our country, “Either you’re with us, or you’re against us.”

How Stupid Are We? How Stupid Do We Think They Are?

Posted on 07/22/2005

On my birthday yesterday I learned that the NYPD plans to begin random searches of backpacks in subways.

“Those who are ready to sacrifice freedom for security ultimately will lose both” – Abraham Lincoln

But let’s even forget about the fact that the country is starting to feel a bit like a police state– random searches, secret uncontestable search warrants issued by secret judicial panels, people being labelled “enemy combatants” so they don’t have to be given their Constitutional rights (when the phrase “enemy combatant” does not appear in the Constitution). Let’s even forget that with all our airline security, while we’ve caught a lot of guys named Gus who forgot that they were carrying guns, we haven’t caught anyone with any actual intent to hijack a plane. And the highest-profile reported case of actually catching a suspected terrorist in this country turned out to be a guy who bragged to his friends that he was selling weapons, but since he had no access to weapons and didn’t know anybody evil to sell weapons to, the FBI conveniently pretended to be a weapons supplier and also found an FBI phony weapons buyer so they could actually arrest a guy with no access to either side of his transaction. Essentially they made him an arms dealer so they could arrest him for being an arms dealer.

Enough on that. Let’s look at the idea of random backpack searches. They say they’ll be random and there won’t be racial profiling. Sure, because Middle-Eastern isn’t a race. Do you think they’ll randomly open an eighty year old white woman’s big purse? How hard do you think it is to slip a small time bomb into Phillis’s purse when she’s not looking?

The NYC subway system has millions of riders a day. They’ll be able to stop only a few thousand people. So if you’re a suicide bomber, the odds are with you. Oh, and if they do stop one, do you think he’ll open his bag and let the cop find the bomb? No, he’ll blow himself up (along with the cop, and everyone behind him in line at the turnstiles). It will rain blood and metrocards. Mission accomplished.

So let’s search everyone, so the subway will be eight dollars a ride (cops are expensive) and it takes as long to get on the D train as it does to get through security at JFK. Don’t even think of taking nail clippers to work. Oh, you work in a nail salon, Kara? Not anymore.

Sure, let’s search every subway rider. So the suicide bombers give up on the subway… and instead blow up everyone in Gristedes, the movie theater, on the sidewalk. Maybe we’ll have door-to-door suicide bombers.

At least until winter, when they can hide the bombs under their winter coats.

Or recruit women. Do you really think Officer Subway is going to ask the pregnant woman to lift up her abaya to show that she’s really pregnant? Will they make Fat Tony prove he’s not really Mini-Tony?

Will pretty French tourists stop bringing sexy underwear on vacation because they don’t want to be embarrassed in public by Officer Subway pawing through their suitcase? Because if that happens, I’m buying an airline ticket to Europe.

Just for the record, I’m okay with some unobtrusive way to search, such as a machine that can sniff explosives. But anything that wastes my time, and invades my privacy, I have a problem with.

And I heard on the radio yesterday that in the past four years there have been 1600 accidental incursions of the giant flight restrictions around Washington, DC. That’s 1600 incursions and not one attempt on anyone’s life.

Think about that. 1600 pilots who screwed up. Which means that probably there have been hundreds of thousands of flights that had to divert around that airspace. Do you realize what a monumental waste of time and fuel that must be? Can’t we find a better way to protect our leaders than shutting down the airspace all around them?

Please stop talking about “Thinking outside the box” if THERE IS NO BOX.

Don’t tell me to “Do the math” unless there is actual math to be done.

It’s not “A win-win situation for both parties” unless there are four winners.

And please don’t say yourself or myself unless you or I are both the subject and object of the sentence. In other words, you can look at yourself. I can look at myself. But I cannot look at yourself unless you and I are the same person. And I’m pretty sure we’re not. Because when I do look at myself, I see me, not you.

If you have a problem with that, get back inside the box.

Suing the Landlord

Posted on 7/13/05

So I had to sue my landlord. Back in the winter they were doing reconstruction on the apartment upstairs. The standard way to gut an apartment is to bust out a window, park a dumpster in the alley below, and throw all the debris out the window into the dumpster.

And, if you’re not an idiot, when it’s four degrees outside you remember to cover up the gaping hole when you leave on Friday evening.

If you’re an idiot, the pipes freeze and the apartment below gets flooded. Under NY State law, it’s pretty clear that the landlord is responsible for the flood. I sent a nice letter asking for compensation and he said I’d have to sue him. So I did.

Since only a few months earlier we’d had a fire (Note– an unsupervised three year old, curtains and a cigarette lighter… any two of the three, no problem. All three, a big problem) I didn’t have much left to damage. I sued for around $1050. The night before the Small Claims Court date, the lawyer for the landlord’s insurance company called me. To ask questions. I pointed out that in Small Claims Court he’s not entitled to discovery (the asking of questions) but anyway explained why he was going to lose. He pretty much understood that I knew what I was talking about. And I found out that his office was an hour commute from the courthouse. So I suggested that he simply send me a check for $1050 rather than bill an equivalent amount to his client and still lose. He said he couldn’t do that.

When I asked if it was because he had to show up in court in case I didn’t, he pretty much said yes. I asked him the address of the courthouse. He said 34 Fifth Avenue. I asked him to read me my address. He said 17 Fifth Avenue. I said “Do you really expect me NOT to cross the street for a thousand dollars?”

He showed up in court. I met him outside, said “Hey, I crossed the street, do you want to give me $1050?” He said no. We went into court, where the judge asked if we could go outside and try to settle. So we tried.

He asked what I wanted. I said every darn penny I lost due to his client’s client’s contractor’s negligence. We quibbled over the value of one picture frame, and settled on $1025. He pulled out a standard contract that said something like “Plaintiff waives all claims from the beginning of time until (fill in today’s date).”

I said that sounded rather drastic– could we say July 4, 1776? Because I might have some rights under the Magna Carta that I’m not yet prepared to waive.”

He crossed out “From the beginning of time” and wrote in “July 4, 1776.”

So if the Magna Carta has no Statute of Limitations…

She No Longer Loves Bad Boys

Posted on 06/30/2005

Last Thursday was my girlfriend’s birthday, and she had a party. I was walking to her apartment carrying four dozen roses. In the water bottle pockets of my backpack I had two bottles of Champagne sticking out very noticeably.

As I passed by Columbus Circle I saw a woman wearing an “I Love Bad Boys” t-shirt. She looked at the roses, then at the Champagne, then at me. Then back at the roses, and the Champagne.

Bad boys just don’t know how to treat women” I said to her.

“It’s your anniversary.” She said to me.

“Nope.”

“Then what is it?”

“It’s Thursday” I told her. “Happy Thursday.”

Kiss Your House Goodbye

Posted on 06/23/2005

Eminent domain is the Constitutionally-allowed power of state and local governments to seize private property for a public purpose, as long as they pay for it. Mostly it’s been used for a public good– they tear down some houses to put up a school or firehouse, or they take a piece of farmland to put in a highway or some railroad tracks. This has been done for hundreds of years and without the power of eminent domain we’d probably not have very many roads or firehouses.

The Supreme Court just ruled that the power of Eminent Domain allows state and local governments to seize private property and give or sell it to other private enterprises merely because the newer enterprise promises to add value to the property. In other words, they can tear down a slum and put up fancy housing because that will lead to economic development and higher tax revenue. Oh, they have to pay the people who own the slum properties, but they pay the market value for a slum, not what the land is going to be worth once the slum is replaced by fancy housing.

Of course with the slum gone the price of the least expensive housing goes up, and the poor people who have been forced out of their homes are screwed. Well, you should’ve lived in a communist country, you poor suckers, because here in America you live where you can afford to live, and if that means the street, well, you should be thankful it’s not a busy street.

The Supreme Court vote was 5-4, and I find myself agreeing with the conservative minority that there ought to be stricter limits to eminent domain. Otherwise, the state can seize a K-Mart and sell the land to Target, because Target promises higher tax revenues. That is, until Wal-Mart comes along. Where does it end? Ask Bill Gates, or Exxon, or maybe China.

I’d complain more, but I don’t have the time– I have to get in touch with my town to force my neighbor out of his house– I’m sure that my assessed value would go up, and thus tax revenues to the town, if I got rid of my neighbor and put up a huge house with a lovely indoor swimming pool. I’m thinking a movie theatre and bowling alley, too. Or those mini racing cars.

My neighbor’s in his sixties, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind moving in with his daughter. I’d let him come back and use the pool, but if word got out about the pool then somebody richer might come along and force me out of my house.

think I would get to keep my gun. Thank God for the Second Amendment. You can have my house when you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

We stink. We STINK. WE REALLY STINK!

Posted on 06/13/2005

I’m a first-generation American. I vote and pay my taxes proudly and I think this is the greatest country in the world. But still we stink.

Let me explain. A few nights ago I was watching Fear Factor. One of the bug-eating episodes, not one of the bugs-crawling-all-over-you episodes.

Yes, we are entertained by watching people eat disgusting creatures in search of a $50,000 prize.

There are five billion people on our planet, and a lot of them go hungry. Some of them will die of starvation. But here in America we are paying people to eat stuff they don’t want to eat, just so others can be entertained.

Maybe we should pay them $40,000 and spend the other $10,000 on helping people grow more food. Or perhaps for every hour of Fear Factor people watch, they should be required to spend five minutes watching people go hungry. And don’t even get me started on all the mass murder going on in Darfur that we’re not doing anything about. It may not be on the same scale as the Holocaust, but this time we know all about it and we have the military means to stop it. And by stopping it, perhaps discouraging future mass murderers. Instead we’re sending the message that we’ll let them get away with it. Oh, unless they really piss us off. Our country’s leaders claim to be men of God. They sure aren’t men of men.

Now that I’ve brought down the room, go see a comedy show and get cheery again. Or at least scroll down and read some of my funny blogs. But I had to speak my mind. With my job comes some responsibility to speak out.

Oh, you think I owe you some jokes? Okay.

Some sad news. The founder of Wine Spectator magazine has passed away. Or, as the magazine is reporting it… “His Bordeaux is continuing to age, but he isn’t.”

Scientists are saying that the surface of the earth has been getting brighter, but they’re not sure why. I can tell you one thing: it’s not the people.

For more comedy, please visit the Expired Comedy section of this website.

I’m having a great day

Posted on 06/01/2005

We found out who Deep Throat was, and all day I’ve been glued to CNN, watching Nixon resign, over and over and over and over….

I Think I Lost This Round

Posted on 05/30/2005

Every few weeks my neighbors have a garage sale. To try to sell the same useless crap that nobody bought at the previous garage sales. Nobody buys anything. But still every sale fills up our quiet street with cars and clogs the neighborhood as my neighbors sit hopefully in their driveway all day.

So a couple of weeks ago I went over and asked what they wanted for EVERYTHING. Not much, so I bought it all to finally put an end to this nonsense, and on bulk garbage day I put it ALL out for the garbagemen.

But my neighbors beat the garbagemen to my curb, and they took all the stuff back, and now today they’re having another garage sale.

Anybody have any ideas that don’t involve a gallon of gasoline and some matches?

Today’s Mail

Posted on 05/02/2005

In today’s mail I got an invitation for an AARP credit card. A surprise. I’m sure they’d give me one even though I’m only 43.

The bigger shock was an invitation to celebrate Anne Frank’s 75th birthday. A party which will include a live musical performance by Cyndi Lauper. The woman who made her career by hopping around on stage in bright colors, screeching and singing “Girls Just Want to Have Fun.”

I quote from her song: Some boys take a beautiful girl And hide her away from the rest of the world I want to be the one to walk in the sun Oh girls they want to have fun

This is in such poor taste I’m at a loss for words.

Driving While InTalks-icated

Posted on 05/01/2005

Sooner or later… two people are going to be talking to each other on their cell phones while driving, and crash… into each other.

Confucius say: He who crosses street while talking to girlfriend on cell phone get run over by woman driving SUV while talking to her nanny on cell phone.

My waitressing fantasy

WRITTEN BY Marianne Sierk and used with permission (Shaun’s comments follow)

Originally Posted on Comedy Soapbox 04/22/2005 at 09:35 PM

“I’m working at a restaurant on Lake Ontario this summer for some cccyash for my move to LA that feels like it will never happen. Tonight it was raining and yucky out so I only had 4 tables and am home already, writing to you, faceless Blog. In any case – I had a revelation as I was starring at the lake waiting for my last table to wash down their fish fry with our finest white zinfendel (Go Rochester!) and I imagined how I’d like to die – at least for tonight. I’d take as many orders for dinner as I can – then I’d pretend to put them in the computer – but I’d really be ordering Filet Mignon’s for everyone. Right before the first load of misordered steaks comes in – I’d rip off my bow tie and scream, “Surf’s up!” I’d run off the pier that’s connected to said restaurant and jump in the choppy lake waters. I’d be found with my tux shirt still on, apron afixed to my new polysesters, $14 CASH still secure within my pockets. Maybe my wine key would be lost, but I’d be CLUTCHING my lighter. (I don’t smoke, but birthday candles don’t light themselves….) I’d just let myself drift as far out as I can – and then eventually give up whatever struggle would come naturally and let the polluted Lake Ontario water fill my asthma ridden lungs – a huge smile embedded on my face. Two hotty italian busboys would gallantly throw down their Windex bottles and buspans and scream…..”NOOOO!” and jump in to try to save me – but it’s too late! It’s always too late. I’m a strong swimmer, but no match for the great tides of a Great Lake. Someone get me out of this city. The End. (in so many ways)PS – I swear this isn’t a cry for help – just a fantasy!”

Comments are below

The Response, Posted on 04/22/2005 at 10:45 PM by Shaun Eli

Same fantasy, minus the death. You win the $205 million lottery. Order steak for everyone.

Then run away, in your Ferrari, driven by comedian and excellent driver Shaun Eli. Okay, Brad Pitt.

When the police chase you, you drop a note out the window that says “Just Kidding. Bring this to the restaurant.” And with the note are fifteen hundred dollar bills. And an address in Malibu for them to mail the speeding ticket.

You and Mr. Pitt leave the car at a local airport, where pilot Shaun Eli is waiting with a plane to fly you two lovebirds to California, after a stop in Vegas where Mr. Pitt can beg you to marry him (you politely turn him down, explaining that he’s just a toy).

You spend a night (actually it’s from 9 AM to 11:30 PM but in Vegas there is no time) in a cheap hotel under assumed names. Then you kiss him goodbye, find a waiting pair of Ducati motorcycles, with expert motorcyclist Shaun Eli waiting to escort you to your new home in Malibu, where real estate agent and skilled interior decorator* Shaun Eli is ready to show you around and help you furnish your new home.

Fabulastic chef Shaun Eli goes shopping and returns to prepare you a wonderful dinner while you relax in a bubble bath. He then leaves you with two bottles of Champagne, and a wonderful dessert, as a ragged Brad Pitt enters the house for one final goodbye fling.

*Shaun Eli is not a licensed California real estate agent and his decorating skills are subject to some debate.

At What Point Do We Not Mention Race?

Posted on 04/22/2005

I went to pick up my date at her apartment. At 119th near Lenox. For those of you not familiar with Manhattan, this is in Harlem (Lenox is also known as Malcolm X Blvd and as I’m sure you can imagine, there’s no big push to name streets in white neighborhoods after Malcolm X, although there ought to be a push to rename all the Jefferson Davis streets and schools after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. or Rosa Parks or at least Chuck Berry).

My date didn’t answer the buzzer, and she wasn’t answering her phone. But she never answers her phone and her buzzer doesn’t work that well. Someone came out of her building, and I asked him if he knew if Evie were home.

Her building is a five story brownstone with only two apartments per floor.

He said he didn’t know who she was.

I said “She looks around thirty, she has long, dark, wavy hair, she’s thin and pretty, she’s a schoolteacher, moved in around five months ago.”

He had no idea who she was.

“She rides a bicycle a lot.”

“Oh, you mean the white girl! Why didn’t you say so? No, I don’t think she’s home.”

Okay, why DIDN’T I say so?

Think about this

Posted on 04/21/2005

A new study reported that most traffic lights in the U.S. have not had their timing changed in over a decade. That’s right, before those shopping malls were built, and back when that housing complex was still farmland. Back when fewer cars travelled, and came from and went to different parts of your town.

The reason for the lack of change? State and local traffic engineers don’t have the resources to study traffic patterns and re-time the lights. They say for only FOUR DOLLARS PER CAR they could re-time most of the traffic lights in America, saving us millions of hours in travelling time, millions of gallons of gasoline, and wear and tear on our cars (including the tires and brake linings that wear down every time we have to slow down to stop at another red light). And of course cut down on pollution, that thing we used to care about back before the oil companies took their first four year lease on America with an option to renew.

So the next time you’re stuck in traffic, listening to some politician on the radio bragging about how he’s going to lower your taxes, think about what more he intends to cut from the budget. The money has to come from somewhere. It’s already come from your time, your gas, your brakes, your tires, your lungs…

Comedy: A non-polluting, self-renewing national resource sm

There is no “I” in “Team”

Posted on 04/14/2005

But… HALF of T E A M is M E.

Google this! (warning: if you are easily offended please scroll down past this entry)

Somebody told me that no matter what phrases you Google, you will get some number of hits. I wasn’t sure. So…

I took the most random and unrelated of phrases and here’s what I found:

“Kansas City” + penis + buddha + “Home Depot” gave 651 hits.

arthritis + shoes + cunnilingus + oregon gave 146 hits.

But substitute fellatio for cunnilingus and you more than double the number of hits. Change it to fetus or calculus and it goes up further still. Algebra does even better, more than 2000 hits.

eraser + logical + river + telephone + cashew gives 83 hits.

welder + nostril + basketball + labor gives 77 hits.

Note that I was totally sober when I tried this experiment.

So you can imagine how my mind works after a few drinks.

My stand-up comedy is clean. Apparently my blogs are not always.

Mister can you buy me beer?

Posted on 04/11/2005

When I was seventeen I worked in a supermarket. I had a beard and looked older. Once when I was leaving, two sixteen year olds stopped me and asked if I could buy them some beer (the drinking age in NY at the time was eighteen). I told them I couldn’t, because I wasn’t old enough. They didn’t believe me. Of course I probably could have bought beer anywhere EXCEPT that store, since they knew how old I was.

Last night I was sitting at the bar at a comedy show, next to an eighteen year old. She asked me to buy her a beer. I told her I’d be glad to, in about three years. The bartender knows me, and obviously knew that this woman was too young to buy alcohol, so had I bought a beer and given it to her, we both would have been thrown out. Not that I would have anyway.

I couldn’t buy her a beer in any state; that’s illegal. But I’m pretty sure it’d be okay if I bought her a gun.

And if a woman with a gun asks me to buy her a beer, well, I don’t think I’d say no.

And probably the reason that having a beer is such a big deal for her is simply that it’s forbidden. In many European countries kids are given small amounts of alcohol to taste as they grow up. It’s not something forbidden to lust for. And they don’t have the same problem with drunken teenagers and young adults as we do. Certainly they don’t have as many people trying 21 shots on their 21st birthday and dying from their first exposure to alcohol.

Raising the drinking age is credited with cutting down on drunken driving, but in fact all the exposure to the issue, and stricter law enforcement, is probably responsible for much of that.

Perhaps we should lower the drinking age to sixteen, but give kids a choice– a license to drink OR a license to drive. That way every group of friends would have a designated driver, and they could switch off every few months.

Trapped in an Elevator

Posted on 04/07/2005

This week the NYPD undertook a massive search for a missing Chinese restaurant deliveryman. When his bicycle was found chained up outside an apartment building, they searched the building and found that he had been trapped in an elevator… for three days. An elevator with an emergency call button AND A CAMERA.

In the meantime the police arrested a man because he had a blood-colored stain on his shirt. It turned out to be exactly what he claimed it was: barbecue sauce from a dinner he’d eaten three days earlier.

Anybody who lives in an apartment building and doesn’t change his food-stained shirt for three days probably deserves a little jail time.

Don’t you agree?

Mitch Hedberg

Posted on 03/31/2005

Mitch headlined one of the first shows I ever did, at Stand-Up New York. I’d seen many of his TV appearances but had never before seen him live.

They announced that he was trying out material for his appearance the next night on “Late Show with David Letterman.” He read much of his material from his notes, and if anybody tells you that you can’t be that funny working from notes, they are W R O N G.

Mitch Rocked.

Then he did most of that material on TV the next night.

Until at one point they cut to a shot of his shoes while he was in the middle of a joke. This caught his attention, he made some off-hand comment about the irrelevance of showing his feet, he lost his rhythm and what I thought was his strongest joke, didn’t work well.

Mitch taught me a lot from this experience.

I learned that you can be really funny trying new material from a notebook, if you’re really, really funny. And I learned never to look at the monitor when you’re on television.

I hope some day I can benefit from both these things.

The world lost a great comedian this week. Someone who was different, who didn’t see the world sideways so much as inside-out. Someone who could make us laugh not only from a surprise or an unusual observation, but simply from a brilliant manipulation of the English language.

Three comedian websites I monitor (SheckyMagazine.com, ComedySoapbox.com and The Standups Asylum group on MSN) have had more comments on Mitch Hedberg this week than on just about any other topic, ever.

Mitch, you are already missed.

A Dubious Honor

I have been named one of Westchester’s Most Eligible Bachelors.

More interestingly, if you type NYC Arabian Comedian into Google, my website (www.BrainChampagne.com) comes up first.

I’m not Arabian.

Not even close.

Sell your Google stock.

Business School Admissions and Business Ethics

The New York Times reported on Monday that some business school applicants were able to hack an admissions website to find out whether they’d been admitted, prior to the release of the information.

Harvard, MIT and Carnegie Mellon found out who the students were and denied them admission on the basis of the students’ lack of ethics (Harvard said the students were free to re-apply next year, but I’d bet they won’t get in then either).

As one of the first business school students to take a business ethics class (this was in the early eighties), I applaud the universities’ decisions.

Some students have protested, claiming that hacking into a website to find out early what they would eventually have found out anyway is no big deal, likening it to taking a pencil home from the office.

I’d say it’s more like stealing a pencil during a job interview. Would you hire someone who did that?

If the students believe that what they did was not wrong, they should be amenable to having the schools publish their names, so we can decide for ourselves whether we ever want to hire these people.

Tourists from another planet

Posted on 03/16/2005

Those of us who live in NY are used to seeing all sorts of strange behavior.

Sometimes we can figure it out. Sometimes we can’t.

Last week I saw tourists, who spoke with American accents, taking a photograph of a Starbucks. Where could these people be from that they’ve never seen one before?

I’d bet that there were probably four or five Starbucks coffee shops inside the plane they flew on to get to NYC.

Unless they flew to NYC in a time machine from the 1950s. Or, with any luck, from not too far in the future.

A Typical NYC Conversation.. .

Posted on 03/15/2005

Street Vendor: Three for ten dollars. They’re ten dollars EACH in a store.

Tourist: How do I know they’re not stolen?

Street Vendor: Of COURSE they’re stolen.

Score One More for Feminism

Posted on 03/12/2005

Say what you want about Prince Charles’ fiancee, but after they’re married I expect that very few little girls will be saying that they want to be princesses when they grow up!

Comedians in the Talmud

“Rav Beroka of Bei Hozae was often in the market of Bei Lapat. There he would meet Elijah. Once he said to Elijah: ‘Is there anyone in this market who has earned eternal life?’ Elijah said to him: ‘No.’ They were standing there when two men came along. Elijah said to him: ‘These men have earned eternal life.’ Rav Beroka went to them and said: ‘What do you do?’ They replied: ‘We are jesters, and make the sad to laugh.'”

– – – The Talmud (a collection of ancient writings on Jewish law)

Hospital Suggestion

I was visiting my friend Sara who teaches and does research at a medical school– I met her outside the hospital entrance, where a large number of patients, many with IVs attached, were smoking.

If the hospitals are going to let the patients go outside and smoke, wouldn’t it be much more convenient, and HEALTHIER, if they just put nicotine into their IV solutions?

Jewish Geography

Someone accused me of anti-Semitism because I used the phrase “Jewish Geography” to refer to asking if someone knew someone else because he was from the same town.

So I quote you from Genesis 29:4–

“And Jacob said unto them: ‘My brethren, whence are ye?’ And they said: ‘Of Haran are we.’ And he said unto them: ‘Know ye Laban the son of Nahor?’ And they said: ‘We know him.’ “

Final Score: Commandments 10, Justices 9

Posted on 03/09/2005

The Supreme Court is hearing a case about whether it’s legal for governments to post the Ten Commandments.

All nine Supreme Court justices are either Christian or Jewish. Two religions which believe in the Ten Commandments as a central tenet.

Therefore I believe that all nine justices ought to recuse themselves from this case.

Censorship vs. Simple Bad Taste

Posted on 03/08/2005

According to today’s New York Times, a recent issue of the New York Press (a free weekly newspaper) had a front-page satirical article on the “Upcoming Death of the Pope.” After a public outcry over the article, the editor resigned.

I find the subject to be in bad taste (although I didn’t read the article and admit that the content might be funny, despite the subject matter).

But– also according the the New York Times, Representative (and mayoral candidate) Anthony D. Weiner said that “Everyone has a right to free speech, but I hope New Yorkers exercise their right to take as many of these rags as they can and put them in the trash.”

Actually there is NO such right. That is censorship. I haven’t looked at the inside cover of the NY Press lately but I hope they are smart enough to say that ONE copy per customer is free, which would make taking more than one paper and discarding it stealing. That is NOT one’s right.

I find the subject of the NY Press article in bad taste. I find Mr. Weiner’s comment beyond bad taste; it’s offensive and a violation of the our right to create and read articles written in bad taste.

Given a choice between the two, I would take the NY Press over Mr. Weiner.

Posted on 03/05/2005

Medical researchers at Harvard University have announced plans to start testing the psychedelic drug Ecstasy on humans.

And you thought it was hard to get into Harvard before!

Actually the study is to see if the drug could help relieve the suffering of terminally-ill cancer patients. White House officials are against the study because they say it could legitimize a dangerous drug. It could lead to the use of other dangerous drugs, such as alcohol, morphine and maybe even that very popular drug that CAUSES cancer, tobacco.

And the president’s biggest fear, the one that has led him to cut funding for medical and scientific research? That someone might eventually develop truth serum.

Posted on 03/03/2005

Mayor Bloomberg said that New York City’s economy received a $254 million boost from tourists coming to see The Gates, which, for those of you who haven’t seen this, is pretty much a bunch of orange curtains hanging from scaffolding in Central Park.

1.5 million visitors, including 300,000 from other countries, came to NYC specifically to see The Gates. Hotel occupancy was up more than 10% and some restaurants near the park reported double their normal business.

Top Broadway shows? The World Series? Wall Street? The center of fashion? The headquarters of the United Nations? Great restaurants? Top comedy clubs? The country’s greatest museums? Hit television shows? Symphony orchestras? Greenwich Village rock music clubs? Foreign art films you may not be able to see anywhere else? The Bronx Zoo? Nope, people come to see curtains. I guess that’s what we should expect in a country where NYC is the third most popular tourist destination, after…

Orlando and Las Vegas.

But we ARE glad you came. New York is the world’s most international city, and it wouldn’t be, without you. Please come back, with or without something specific to see. Just please walk faster or stay to the right on the sidewalks. We live here, we’re usually in a hurry, and sometimes we’re in a hurry to do something to make the city a nicer place for you to visit.

I said sometimes.

Changing the Presidents

Posted on 02/22/2005

A congressman wants to take President Ulysses S. Grant off the fifty dollar bill and replace his portrait with that of President Reagan. General Grant, who won the Civil War, saved the Union and gave birth to the question “Who is buried in Grant’s tomb?” The answer to which, by the way, is “General AND MRS. Grant,” for all of you who got it wrong.

I have a better idea– leave Grant on the fifty, but reissue the thirty year Treasury bond and put Reagan’s picture on that. After all, nobody ever did more to run up government debt than Reagan (not yet, anyway, Bush still has four more years).

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight

Posted on 02/17/2005

A stunningly beautiful woman kissed me tonight. As part of our acting class. She kissed me passionately… then slapped me across the face.

Posted on 02/14/2005

Paris Hilton says she trademarked the phrase “That’s hot.” As if she’s the first one ever to say it. As if she had any legal chance of actually enforcing her rights if someone else used it in an advertisement.

So here’s the phrase I am trademarking: “Paris Hilton is the best example of why the inheritance tax rate ought to be 100% ™”

What goes around, comes around

Posted on 02/10/2005

Back in college, one of my classmates showed up one day in a bright yellow track suit. Really bright yellow.

She looked like a giant banana.

I wanted to tell her. But I didn’t.

I might have been the only one who remained silent.

I think hearing this so much made an impression on her. I saw her six days a week for a whole year but never again saw the yellow track suit. Not once. I doubt she was happy about it.

Cut to: Several years later. I meet a woman who completely wins me over. Charming. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Willing to go out with me. A woman possessing all five of those important qualities is rare.

On our first date I told her where I went to college and she told me the name of her new best friend, who also went there.

The giant banana. Of course.

I knew that the moment she got home she’d call the giant banana and ask about me. And I knew that what she wouldn’t be told was that I was a giant jerk for calling her a giant banana. Because I didn’t. What didn’t go around couldn’t come around.

Cut to: Several weeks later. Thought that the five-qualities woman might be my soul-mate. She didn’t see it that way, and was not in the right place in her life for me. We parted ways.

Cut to: Now. She’s semi-famous. Married. Still lovely, and still very funny. I’m really happy for her success. She earned and deserves it.

Flashback: A few weeks ago. A bunch of comedians are in line to sign up for an audition. It’s cold and many of us have been waiting for a couple of hours to get our audition date, which is supposed to be randomly chosen when we get to the front of the line.

One comedian arrives late, starts talking to his friends in front of us when the line starts to move.

I ask him, politely, to go to the back of the line. He refuses, says it doesn’t matter because the dates are randomly chosen. Though we didn’t think they’d run out of audition spots, anything’s possible, and I explain that our feet are cold and we all want to get inside a few seconds earlier.

He doesn’t move. Until I turn to my friend and say “This isn’t very smart of him. A bunch of us are not only comedians but we also book shows, and we remember stuff like this.”

At which point he walks toward the back of the line.

Cut to: A minute or two later. We get to the front. They changed their policy. For this time only, they are assigning dates in chronological order. So it did matter where in line one stood.

And we will remember him.

My toughest show ever

Posted on 02/06/2005

I really like to open a show. It’s a challenge, taking a cold audience and getting them laughing. My style of comedy stands up to the challenge, I think, because I believe in lots of punchlines (in other words, quantity perhaps over quality), starting right from when I take the stage. No long set-ups, just grab the mike and start hitting hard. Plus, sometimes this has the advantage of avoiding the problem of following someone who just isn’t that good, or someone who abuses the audience and loses them (doesn’t happen often, but it happens).

Tonight I performed my third set at the Tribeca Arts Festival. I was the only stand-up comic (second time that’s happened there). I followed some musicians and poets.

There were around fifteen people in the audience (this was Super Bowl Sunday). Some of them had heard my stuff the first two times I appeared there. While I did vary my sets the first two times, the opening this time had nothing new, although the order was moved around some.

Nothing. For the first minute, barely a chuckle. After three or four minutes of material that usually does really well (and did so the prior two weeks), I got some laughter. But not much. I switched to crowd work (asking the audience questions, coming up with humorous responses) to get the audience on my side. They’d been paying attention, just not laughing.

The crowd work helped a little, then I did some more material and some real laughs finally ensued. Eventually. But it was a hard slog. I didn’t lose them. They were listening, but I could have been giving a lesson on how to gut fish to the seafood department for all the love I felt.

After I left the stage I figured it out. The person who preceded me was a poet. When I saw her two weeks ago, she had told a long story about a young girl forced into an arranged marriage who was repeatedly raped and tortured by her husband, and the horrible life she led.

I think this is the summit of A Tough Act To Follow.

Epilogue to My Toughest Show Ever, or Thank You, Kind Stranger

Posted on 2/7/05

Last night I posted a blog about the tough show I had just come from, when I was the only comedian and I went on immediately following a poet who speaks about the rape, torture and abuse of a young girl. It took a long time for the audience to warm up to comedy, and it was a difficult few minutes on stage getting to that point (and I use the term ‘stage’ loosely since there was no stage and no microphone).

This afternoon I was shopping and a guy leaving the store said hello to me. I said hi in that non-committal way that means Okay, hi to you, but I have no idea who you are and probably you have mistaken me for someone else.

He said “You were very funny in the show last night.” So he was talking to me. A major coincidence with so few people at the show on Super Bowl Sunday, in a metropolitan area with fifteen million people.

I said thanks, and mentioned that I didn’t get a lot of laughs. He confirmed that the person right before me told a gruesome story and brought down the whole audience and it took them a long time to get over what she said. I had the unfortunate luck of immediately following her. I suppose this means she is a very talented story-teller, which of course did me no good.

Kind stranger, your attendance at my next show is on me– if by a second coincidence you’ve come across this blog, email me and I’ll see that you get comped at my next show. And if somebody else thinks he can trick me into giving away free tickets, you’ll have to tell me the name of the store, what I was buying, and don’t forget that I know what the guy looks like– I just saw him in the shoe department of Bloomingda,, ha, you didn’t think I was really going to tell you where, did you?

Thanks again, kind stranger.

Two sides to every story

Posted on 01/21/2005

A bunch of us were friends with Phil Vosh in college. Phil and I were teammates for four years and housemates for two. Many other friends of ours also lived in the house.

A couple of years ago I received a letter. The return address was Celeste Vosh in the same city where Phil lived.

Before opening the envelope I assumed it was a wedding announcement. As far as I knew, Phil had no siblings. His parents don’t live in the same city and his mother’s name is not Celeste.

It turns out it was an invitation to a surprise party.

I called. Celeste is Phil’s sister. One of two. When I discussed not knowing that Phil had sisters with the rest of the crowd, only Buzz, Phil’s best friend, knew about them. The rest of us had no idea.

e all found it bizarre that Phil had never mentioned anything to us about his sisters. We all knew about everyone else’s siblings. We questioned Phil’s sanity.

Then I figured something out. The other side of the story. The reason we never knew that Phil had two sisters? Because we never asked. It wasn’t Phil. It was us.

By the way, if you’re thinking about having a surprise party for a Marine Reserves Lieutenant Colonel who works for the State Department, speaks three languages fluently and has two Ivy League degrees, don’t expect to really surprise him.

Great New Way to Lose Weight

Posted on 01/15/2005

It seems to me that the less one eats, the faster one loses weight. So here’s the diet I’m trying– NOTHING. For the past six days I’ve eaten nothing and had nothing to drink. And so far the only thing unusual is that my house is suffering from an infestation of midget giraffes riding flying motorcycles.

And there’s something wrong with my computer– the keys on the keyboard are really hard to push down. It’s getting really hard to type anyth

kg klglukrlkn

qiwu sgfr,sf,dasfr;l,/. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Why I can’t date date vegetarians

Posted on 1/14/05

I respect the ethics of vegetarians who say that it’s immoral to use eleven pounds of edible grain to create one pound of edible meat when people are starving all over the world, even though meat-eating is not the cause of starvation and an entire world gone vegetarian would not cure starvation. The reason people go hungry is not a worldwide food shortage, it’s a worldwide compassion shortage. We could feed the whole world for less than we spend on coffee, but we’d rather have the coffee. Why? Because we’re selfish. People die but unless we see them, we fail to act. Millions of people starve each year, way more than die from tsunamis. But flood destruction makes for better video so for that we write the checks.

But back to the vegetarians. Here’s why I have trouble dating them.

First date she tells me that she just doesn’t like the taste of meat, but isn’t uncomfortable when other people eat it. So I order a steak and get dirty looks through the whole meal.

Second date. Before I even glance at the menu she says “They have two pasta dishes I like—why don’t we each get one and we can share.” Saves the dirty looks but I have to eat fusilli with string beans, asparagus and chick peas in a pink mouchure sauce.

Third date she suggests the restaurant. It’s vegan and the word “tofu” appears on the menu eighty seven times. I like tofu, given something nice to flavor it. By itself it tastes like styrofoam. But they can’t serve styrofoam since it’s environmentally unsound, so they serve plain tofu, in eighty seven different shapes. I ask for a diet coke and all six waitresses, pale and unhealthy-looking, give me dirty looks like I ordered a broiled baby in kitten sauce with a side order of smallpox.

Before the fourth date even rolls around I’m on PETA’s mailing list and my barbecue grill is missing. And that’s the last straw.

P.S. The word “vegan” is not in MS Word’s spell-check.

My name got popular

Posted on 01/12/2005

While Shaun (or Sean or Shawn) is a popular name in Ireland, even among Irish-Americans it hasn’t been a common name in the U.S. (they prefer Patrick, Kevin and Timothy, for some reason, and not Shaun).

Growing up, until age 25 I probably had met only three or four Shauns in my life. Sean Connery was James Bond, and that was pretty good. But then there also was Shaun Cassidy, and he’s no James Bond.

round fifteen years ago I started to notice other Shauns. I’d be in a store and I’d hear “Shaun! Put that down!” in a very stern voice. I’d turn around and see an angry mother yelling at her five year old son. It was a weird experience, since before then I’d almost never heard my name apply to anybody but me.

Growing up I knew people with names like Phyllis and Harvey, and they didn’t like their names because these were old-people names, names that had been popular sixty or seventy years earlier, so most people with those names were senior citizens. Like all our Jennifers will be in forty years.

But now all those Shauns are grown up, and it seems to be a pretty cool name. The only drawback is that I read about a lot of Shauns getting arrested (Sean Combs and the over-the-Carnegie-Deli shooting a few years ago come to mind; there have been tons of others).

But all in all, other Shauns, welcome to the club. It’s a fun club, even if we can’t all agree on the spelling.

While trolling through my computer I found this piece I had written years ago

Posted 1/5/05

ENRON CORPORATION BALANCE SHEET

Post Chapter 11 Bankruptcy Filing

(prepared in accordance with Grossly Arbitrary Accounting Principles) (amounts in $ millions)

For entertainment use only.  No shareholders were harmed in the making of this parody.

Clean out your closets, re-live your childhood

Posted on 11/28/2004

I’ve been fortunate that even when I lived in a small apartment in NYC I had enough closet space (or perhaps not nearly enough clothing). So I’ve saved a lot of stuff.

On Thanksgiving I decided to clean out some of the boxes of papers. Wow! Certainly I don’t need gas credit card bills from fifteen years ago. That gets recycled. I found copies of my high school comedy newspaper (it was actually the Computer Club newsletter but writing jokes was much more fun than writing about computers). I wonder if there’s any material in there that’s actually usable on stage! I’ll have to have a look. Some of the stuff I tell is material I wrote fifteen years ago and it does well, although some stuff I wrote when I was younger is hack and I don’t use it (of course– the definition of hack is stuff that so many people think of that nobody should be telling it because it’s too obvious).

I found a letter from a girl I liked in college taking a whole page to thank me for UPSing her one of my cheesecakes. She loved the food, didn’t love me. Last I heard she’s been divorced around eleven times.

I found stacks of letters from two girls I had corresponded with in high school. I really don’t want their letters, but I’d like to see the letters that I’d written them. At the time I thought I was a pretty funny writer. I guess I should ask them if they want their letters. One is someone I still keep in touch with from time to time. She lives in upstate NY with a nice husband and a house full of kids. The other one has a unique enough name that I’m sure I can Google her and find her. She’s probably some famous mathematician or something (I have always been attracted to smart women).

I found a NYC subway map from the 1970s. One of the barely comprehensible ones with the thick parallel lines that came about after the totally incomprehensible ones with overlapping lines. I’d always wanted one for decoration. Unfortunately this one is ripped along the folds. Anybody remember the QB train? When was the last time you heard someone refer to the BMT? I’m getting old.

What I’m Thankful For

Posted on 11/26/2004

I’m thankful that I have a healthy and loving family. I’m thankful that I live in a great country in which two different stores are selling DVD players for $18 this weekend! I’m thankful that I’m happy about this even though I already have a DVD player and am not looking for another one.

I’m thankful that people laugh when I stand in front of the bright lights and tell jokes.

I’m thankful that my website host allows me to see which ISPs are used by people who visit the site (no, I can’t see any information on the individuals, just a list of ISPs). I’m thankful that I apparently have some fans in the Netherlands, Belgium, Denmark, Germany, Brazil and the United Arab Emirates even though I’ve never been to any of those countries.

I’m thankful that earlier this year I won a semi-bogus award for economic forecasting, and am thankful that some people took it seriously enough for it to be picked up by the national press. And I’m even more thankful that John Dorfman, the fund manager and journalist who ran the contest, was nice enough to allow me to put a plug in for my comedy career when he wrote the press release.

I’m thankful that most of the other comedians I’ve met and worked with have been helpful, friendly and kind.

Using hands-free cellular phones while driving

Posted on 11/25/2004

A family member sent me an article on a study of hands-free cellular phone use by drivers (the study said that it’s dangerous whether or not you hold the phone). Here was my response:

I do not use a cell phone when I drive, and keep in mind that I’m an instrument-rated pilot who has specific training in just such multi-tasking: communicating detailed concepts while navigating and maintaining safe operation of complicated electronic and mechanical equipment. And yes, I, with all this training, knowledge and experience, do not use a cell phone when I drive. That should tell you something.

On Tuesday a client called me while he was driving. I suggested he call me back when he was parked. He said he was using a hands-free earpiece. I replied that this was just one more thing to break when he crashed.

To those of you who say that it’s just like having a conversation with a passenger, well, it’s NOT. When you’re with a passenger in the car and something unexpected happens- a sudden lane-change, the guy in front of you slamming on his brakes, a ball rolling into the road, or whatever– the conversation naturally stops. But if you’re on the phone and you stop talking because something unexpected occurs, the OPPOSITE happens. Your pause causes the person on the other end to START talking, to fill in the silence. Sometimes followed by your crash. Your brain can process only so much information at the same time.

Yes, I have an opinion on this matter.

Free food has more Calories

Posted on 11/24/2004

Because you eat twice as much of it.

I’m with stupid

Posted on 11/23/2004

If your friend is wearing an “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt, and you’re standing next to him on the side to which the arrow is pointing, you ARE stupid.

Posted on 11/21/2004

Putting a ribbon on your car does not make one a patriot.

If you want to be patriotic, give blood, sign your organ donor card and pay your taxes without complaining.

ABC apologized

Posted on 11/19/2004

ABC issued an apology for showing a woman’s bare back (this means above the waist, not her backside) in a commercial run during a football game.

An ABC spokesman said that it was a wardrobe malfunction– the woman’s burkha accidentally opened.

In the future they will ensure not to show any part of a woman, except her eyes.

Friendly vs. Nice

Posted on 11/17/2004

There is a difference between being friendly and being nice. A parable should exemplify.

A man was walking along a riverbank on his way to an important meeting when he saw a child drowning in the river. He asked the child what happened. The child said that he wanted to go swimming but the only nearby pool was not open. He explained that he got caught in a strong current and couldn’t swim well enough. The man spoke with the child, complimented him on his choice in clothing and said he would inform the child’s parents where he was. The friendly man then rushed to his appointment.

Shortly thereafter another man was walking along the riverbank and spotted the drowning child. The boy explained that though his parents told him not to go swimming in the river, he disobeyed them. The man rescued the child, then scolded him for disobeying his parents and for risking not only his life but also the life of the man who rescued him. He then suggested that the child take a swimming class. He told the child that the class would make swimming more enjoyable and would teach him not only how to swim better, but also to learn his limits so he will know when and where to swim, and when and where not to swim.

The first man was friendly. The second man was nice.

People are either friendly or nice. Some are neither. A few are both, but a third of those end up in a tower with a rifle, and when they are caught their neighbors are surprised, and tell TV reporters “He was so friendly and nice I never thought he’d end up shooting people.”

So now you know.

– – – S H A U N   E L I,

Nice, not necessarily friendly, and a former Water Safety Instructor

(By the way, if you see someone drowning, your LAST choice should be to jump in. First look for something to throw, like a rope or something that floats. And if you jump in fully-dressed, you will likely drown.)

Tips on water safety from the American Red Cross:  http://www.redcross.org/services/hss/tips/healthtips/safetywater.html

TV gone bad

Posted on 11/15/2004

I recognize that television programs are for entertainment, not information. But last night’s “Crossing Jordan” went so far past the line of ridiculous that I have to comment.

In the show, they know in advance a commuter plane is about to crash because the pilots stopped responding to radio calls and an Air Force plane flew past, looked inside and saw everyone passed out.

Okay so far.

But they are able to predict within a mile or two where the plane will crash (and they go there and watch the plane crash– not exactly the safest thing to do). This is nuts. While they may know exactly how much fuel is in the plane, they can not be sure exactly how much wind they encountered along the way, exact rates of climb, fuel burn, etc. Figuring out how the auto-pilot was set would allow them to guess along what line the plane would crash, but not where on that line.

And then, when the plane does crash, it blows up. Not exactly consistent with running out of fuel before descending and crashing.

The medical examiners are trying to identify burned bodies. So when they find cell phones among the bodies (turned on, by the way), what do they do? Use them to identify the bodies? No, they pile them on a table!

Oh, the representative from the National Transportation Safety Board doesn’t know the difference between a Cockpit Voice Recorder (which records sounds) and the Black Box (which records flight data). But of course he can arrive at the crash site in minutes. Wonder what plane he flies!

I can accept some straying from reality on a TV show, but there have to be limits.

Italian Food

Posted on 11/09/2004

A friend and I went out for Italian food this past Saturday.

It’s been our observation and experience that if the restaurant has a lot of old people eating there, we don’t end up liking the food. We refer to it as “Old people’s Italian food.”

But we’re getting older. We were wondering– when we’re old, will we be eating the same food we prefer now, and the younger people will refer to THAT as old people’s Italian food (and eat the kind of food we don’t like)? Or will our tastes change, so that old people’s Italian food will always be old people’s Italian food?

Posted on 10/29/2004

While they’re not disclosing the cause of his illness, one theory is gallstones.

Ironic, isn’t it? If the leader of the Palestinians is brought down by tiny little rocks…

The last debate

Posted on 10/14/2004

I finally figured out what the look on the president’s face reminded me of…

The smug look of a kid who knows that no matter how badly he plays, he is certain he’ll get picked for the team because his father is the principal.

Bush’s Bulge in the First Debate

Posted on 10/13/2004

It was actually a tape recorder playing a loop tape reminding the president “Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft. Don’t mention the draft.”

Since he wasn’t wired in the second debate, he forgot, and mentioned it.

875 Funny Writing Prompts For Funny Stories And Comedies

March 2, 2021

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Have tried writing funny stories in the past, but failed because you are having a hard time thinking up ideas that you feel make people laugh? If your answer is ‘yes,’ maybe you should consider turning to writing prompts for inspiration. 

Writing prompts are great tools that could help make your story stand out from other comedies by giving you new ideas and pushing you to get your creative spirits going. They can also take your stories to the next level by stretching your imagination.  

If you are an aspiring comedy writer or an author in a writer’s rut, here are writing prompts that could inspire you to write funny stories

• There are only five minutes until you have to give the speech and you just realized you can’t speak. Inspiration never strikes at a good time.
• The wife-in-laws’ husband wife-in-law is a husband wife-in-law was a constant reminder of her own true age.
• There came a time when the world was out of handclaps. In order to resolve this grotesque situation, a boy was conscripted. A boy who had been struck on the head by the iron lever in a closed door accident, and was now incomplete in the lateral portion of his left hemisphere.
• When my headlights were going out…no one knew that the red lights on the road were actually stop lights.
• Several times during the Second World War Churchill was briefed on recent advances in weapons technology. He’d listen to the reports, only for his eyes to widen, mouth open and jaw drop. Slightly open-mouthed, patting the person on hand, he’d steer them to the door before stepping back into his office. Later, someone would walk in and add in some milk.
• You hear a sound behind you, but you know it’s my friend Billy, whose name is actually Steven. Stop making me say things two times!
• Everyone from the outside expected you to have your life together. You weren’t to be concerned with anything. Little did they know, you were worried sick about one of the most bizarre things anyone could identify with.
• Tell a story of something that happened when you were a kid. Something you’ve left out of other stories you’ve told.
• There was a family that moved into the neighborhood. Jose, Janet, and Tom. There children Mark, Maria, and Timothy. They were the nicest people you would want to meet. At least at first. One day Mark and Timothy went missing. People looked everywhere for those two boys, but they just couldn’t be found. Then suddenly the rest of the family went missing just two days later. Except the father and mother who were the last to disappear. When people looked around the beautiful house they found more of those flowers and dead bodies all around the backyard AND a port-a-potty. They looked in the bath tubs and the kitchen drawers. The bodies were hidden for a long time until someone they could take care of themselves, or they were just plain stupid. All had the same golden gates and angel wings. Everyone was certain of the fact that the family was a group of satan worshippers.
• You wake up one night covered in tiny puncture wounds. They heal over time, leaving small coffee or mocha colored spots on your person.
• “I want to believe.” was not the catchphrase of some obscure nerd, but rather my new way of saying “I need to become an astronaut.”
• The elevator could only fit one person, so they tossed a coin to see who would go up and bring down the angel.
• It’s not the same when you explain it to us, so explain it to the whores on the corner outside, the corner of forgotten children.
• She ran around with scissors in her hair so they were never able to recognize the color of her hair.
• A running joke can be funny or strange and crucial– and, ultimately, mess with your readers’ minds. A running joke also makes your novel stand out in a memorable way. Could Eva repel the biker girls? Could she use lemons to do so? Maybe she could transform into a laser beam and shoot lemon beams at them!
• You are sitting at your desk at a job you hate. Suddenly, a man you’ve never seen before approaches you with an argument you’ve never considered, and somehow your procrastinating becomes the action of the minute, the action that leads to momentous decisions in a life you never realized was yours.
• But not everything can come from a strange world. Some ideas could also come as a part of a mundane world. Perhaps the bad guy from your story didn’t arrive by meteor, but crawled down the storm drain in your backyard.
• A story about a triangular obelisk made of mud-braken and mortar replaced with a different one, solely based on observation.
• You enter a virtual reality game in the seal-clubbing business. The object of the game is to seal-club as many seals as possible. It’s the world’s most popular online game. And in no time you’re making a fortune. You’ve become the ultimate seal-clubber. How will it end?
• The Sheriff and his deputy were riding horses in a park earlier, but then, one horse just started taking off on it’s own. Naturally, the two men wouldn’t let a horse just take them anywhere. The deputy did the only thing he could’ve done, and shot the horse for ‘becoming agitated’.
• A subtle discussion of the differences between the dreaming of a historian and the degree to which a character in the fiction believes himself to be real.
• The man in the big yellow hat wanted to open the biggest lemonade stand ever. So he went out to find the lemons, only to find out that there is no more lemonade. Oopsie!
• Write into somebody else’s dialect. Write from the point of view of someone living in a different time period, like the 16th century. Write the story looking back from about 1000 years from now. What would post-apocalyptica feel like?
• For a list of funny story prompts from a simplified list and fun exercises, just go to this page . The list is fairly comprehensive but they will prove very useful in terms of idea generation. You can also simply check out my Book, “From blank page to funny page.” and start writing today!
• The Bakers left the galley messy, so Gavin and his boys decided to contribute to the clean up effort. Consequently, all their masterpieces were saved.
• More great prompts for funny stories include awkward moments, suspicious adjectives, painful events, and first meeting. Once you’ve completed a funny story, share them with friends or family.
• Never say die. Blasphemy? Ten years in prison. No trials, no innocent before proven guilty. Just burn ’em! Burn ’em!
• You were the small seedling that decided to grow up. And rise to be ten times what all the other trees were planted for.
• A man and a woman want to get married but a mutual need is preventing them from tying the knot for a closer life together.
• Pirates like to focus on the one thing most people would find most morally intriguing–avast, this is the captured story.
• Colonel Sanders bobbed up and down on a pogo stick. Do you think he shouted Colonel Sanders while he did this? Or was he just Colonel Sanders?
• Destiny doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than two million in cash. Or a really good bacon wrapped filet.
• The man on the train who stared at your arm tattoos for five minutes, despite being surrounded by countless empty seats.
• Figure out a way to be the anarchist you wanted than shouted at by the powers that wanted to redefine the relationship between you and your government without dealing with any government involvement.
• Enjoy these and enjoy writing short stories! They are a great way to provide creative writing practice.
• Don’t forget to subscribe to my RSS or YouTube channel or newsletter above for updates on when more funny prompts come out.
• I was born a beautiful baby. A beautiful baby in the ugly hospital in the ugly dying town on the dying planet.
• You were dreaming night after night. It was the same dream, you never forgot it, but it didn’t make sense. What did you dream again?
• He wore a brown fedora and a black trenchcoat. He gave me a wide goofy grin as he drew a gun from his pocket.
• The Old west meets high-tech study chambers. A Wild West error leads to a bug in the Matrix. Documented incident of spontaneity. Blue heron falls from the sky.
• They must have thought they couldn’t make it through. They split their integral selves between a state and the staid. The steady flux is a thing of delight to them, just as the balance between their vibrant impulsions and the détente is. Contact further cemented their romance, but effect dissipated into sparse numbers. They plummeted, plateaued, and now slowly strut gingerly amongst the pincushion and porcupines. Now that they know themselves incapable of tearing themselves apart, they no longer worry about trying to be whole.
• What if everything you thought you knew about vampires and the undead was a total lie? What if they were just people?
• A centipede and a butterfly sit outside on a hot summer day playing cards. After a few hands the centipede puts down his cards and says….
• It’s a curse to be beautiful in this life… or was it an enviable blessing it brought wealth and fame…
• An original fairytale about a handsome prince, damsel in distress and a white horse where the prince is the knight with a thousand faces.
• God gave you the job of calling all the shots. What happened to make you forget what He had put you on this Earth for?
• Why would it have to make logical sense for me to get that part? It’s just a frickin’ job, not graduate school.
• The struggling artist doodled in the margins of the page, oblivious that the words she wrote were changing her world…
• What shapes do you see in the pattern of life? Stories can create emotion, setting, likability, and help people learn about themselves and others. A believable story can capture the reader’s attention, if the grammar and sentence structure are good, then they should be able to read the story smoothly. If every aspect is perfect, that means nothing else is left undone. The tale could almost tell itself. The setting could almost design itself. If everything in a story feels real or plausible, then it lived up to the expectations.
• Later, the same boy pushed a goat down the school’s  staircases. It’s safe to say he was suspended from the school for a solid week.
• You can use the environment around you to bring color to your writing. Look around you at the environment. The way a roach slithers across your counter – what emotion is it trying to convey? What does a dirty leaf or a wind-blown flower invoke in you?
• Your name was a living legend. Highlander of your trade.  No one wanted to be the one that slew… you.
• When your life looked like a stick drawing, only with a few scattered among your two dimensional reality.
• TheRedheadand The Spacewoman Are Having a Good Time On The Planet of Orange at the North Pole. Prance Around and Find a Big Piece of Rock To Float To Other Planets.
• I knew they were trouble when they walked in. A girl covered in tattoos, and a guy who resembled Johnny Depp.
• Hope you’ve enjoyed these funny story prompts. If you want some more, let me know and I’ll post more funny story prompts!
• Who can discard digital music files that hold exactly one -hundred- notes of -unplayed- music without feeling awful and slightly depressed about it. Isn’t your hard drive a paradise for that lonely unused music??!
• Write a story about someone who talks about a paradox that blurs the lines between fiction and reality.
• 1. Go to the YouTube channel, How to Write Great Fiction , and watch the videos on Point of View and Storytelling. 2. After you’ve watched the videos, go to the site to read more about each of the fifteen elements by clicking on the title of the article.
• All of the writing prompts are effective because you have to get right to the point and remove any fluff from the description so you can tell a story in a creative and interesting way.
• Have you ever noticed that after a person has died, everything in the house goes to the kids? Except for the dirty underwear in the underwear drawer.
• Most people are like Slinky. With every step they take, they lose a little bit of their sturdiness and gain a little bit more tually.
• Write a story about something or someone you don’t like, to get a laugh, you need to include a disliked person in your story.
• The narrator doesn’t die immediately. Instead, he lives long enough to recount the accident to anyone willing to listen.
• The kid knocked it 400 yards and because it landed on the road, and not in the field, it wasn’t a home run.
• Write a true curious tale in which something relevant to your book has gone missing, How could it have been missing, and how could you possibly go on?
• A lifeboat washed up with two skeletons in it.  The First Skeleton popped out and grabbed his own pelvis.  The First Skeleton’s pelvis didn’t belong to him.  The Second Skeleton lunged out and said, “MY pelvis! Now!!”  Your house was haunted by a ghost.  You almost slept with a serial killer.
• A priest, a rabbi, and a blonde woman with green eyes are about to be executed and they’re out on the garden swing together one last time.
• The greatest mystery of all time hangs in the balance, and your friend and you are the only ones capable of solving it, but they, as they say, are M.I.A.
• Imagine you’re at a job interview for a completely absurd job. What job explains everything that’s happened to you?
• No one ever suspected the minister was actually a serial killer. But the numbers just didn’t add up….
• For the next 25 days, post a comment of interest that relates to one of your writing goals, trading spaces for other wants or wishes . Make it fact-based, funny or fiction. Maybe even all three.
• In the firelight preparing dinner over a barbecue the beloved grandfather of the family takes a young girl’s hand in his own and says,
• That night the stars didn’t shine because the moon is full every month. And when it’s not it’s a new moon.
• You encounter the ghost of your favorite actor. There he is in the flesh! You can’t believe your luck. And then he dies all over again and you have to write an article on what he was like.
• Your mother was the whitest woman you’d ever seen. No one’s mother was whiter than yours. Wait? What?
• The story focuses around the things that happened when, with what, who was what, who did what.   Sometimes impossibly forced, sometimes just weird, and other times just slightly funny. The point is to be funny.   Sometimes done by picking 20-50 completely random subjects, then picking out ones that are funny for whatever reason.
• Give me this day my daily bread.  Other stories stem from the imagination to list ideas. These exercises are fun, excitement and great ideas to use as a springboard for stories.  It is all about stopping the gravity of your day. Making your creative mind float up into the clouds with no limitations. To create stories to amuse yourself and anyone who reads them. To write about whatever you like. To write about the people who really interest you. Nothing makes an awkwardly normal person observe and invent rather than someone who is a headliner. Invent your own direction of your story and drive a pit of obstacles. Keep your issues in mind but allow yourself to Spin the idea on its end and make it humorous and crazy fun.  Just talking about writing stories can lead to a great idea or even a character for a story!!
• Ever walked on the sand and couldn’t find the water? Ever walked on water and not been able to find the sand?
• The White Witch is having an important guest over, a scruffy-looking nerdy guy who carries luggage larger than his own body while the creepy yet overdressed butler, dressed in purely white, escorts him to his room. As he disappears down the hall, the White Witch’s daughter walks in to ask her mother innocently where the new guest is staying, wondering if she can play with him. The mother is a bit offended by how this scruffy nerdy guy came to be a guest, and she asks her daughter “Why in the world would he be staying here?”
• My co-worker saved the company from almost certain failure only to have his efforts called into question.
• You’re in a totally haunted and abandoned house that you think is truly beautiful and charming until that really hungry yet relentless Vulture starts to nag you about what already-chewed-on bones you have back there in the cupboard that are just his size and whisper over and over, “Oh-do eat me.”
• While growing up, your dog slept with you in your parent’s bed while they slept in their bedroom. Every night.
• There was no way, no way someone who eats family pets would possibly have eaten my lost hamster. Right?
• Write a story about a ceramic or pewter or lead figurine. Go into great detail about how it was made and how it might come to life.
• In a world where noses were big business, two men vied for dominance. One noseless and the other flawed…
• See what happens when a couple is forced to leave their home by circumstance and the rules and regulations surrounding urban civilizations. The husband eventually ends up building his own home minus a few materials.
• A Silver Scoter is the most annoying bird in the world because even when it is dead people will throw it into a lake.
• Every time the narrator reached the turning point in a tragic story, cash prizes were shot out of a cannon.
• Choose people that you think are particularly familiar with someone who is close to you otherwise maybe a little bizarre.
• So in Havana, this old man yells out, “You so stupid, you had all those Castro’s beat, what’s you firstname?”
• If you use somebody’s accent to the point where they can’t speak at all, and then they decide to just leave before killing you, is it okay to say Black tax, as long as you pay it, but don’t actually take a mason jar down from anywhere and hold it out for them to put a quarter in?
• Write a story that parallels the creation of people and the world in the Bible, beginning with the creation of the universe.
• Honest Abe’s Honest Axe repair shop is across from Honest Abe’s Honest Auto Salvage. It’s across from Honest Abe’s Honest Sporting Goods in a section of the city where there is little honest business. None of us are getting any younger.
• Tell the entire story from the main character’s weakest character flaw if your character is not heroic/has no flaws.
• The quirks and oddities of the world are what make it amazing. Don’t be afraid to explore the strange!
• You have the power to make someone else disappear. You can choose to take someone or the whole world.
• The next time you tell someone to get over it they’ll die. With no one there to bring them back to life.
• She always fell in love with people she shouldn’t and dated guys that were completely wrong for her. And yet, they all had one thing in common. She left you for them.
• For the first time, the award for the worst fiction is awarded to Chuck Wiener. This is not a story about a man named Chuck Wiener, but rather is the story entitled, “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey.” “Chuck Wiener’s Hair Journey” will be printed on paper, and will surely be a literary success.
• If lightning bugs had leaders, they would all decamp to my front yard to live and play vigorously in my dark corners.
• A writer, reeling in self-pity over his lack of recognition, searches the nearby woods for some sign of recognition or even a single sapling with his name on it.
• Have a main character that works at a really bad job/preparing clear margaritas at the corner store for a buck.
• “Do you remember when we used to sit up all night and talk and talk and talk about the coolest things? What happened, man? Why aren’t we still talking?”
• What is the funniest short story you have ever written, but really should sell because it’s really funny.
• The new girl doesn’t have a name. Her real name is impossible to pronounce and occasionally she forgets what it is.
• Ages and ages ago, in a galaxy far away, so long ago we didn’t even know when, back when King Arthur ruled Camelot there was a cobbler…
• Have the character use a ridiculously large amount of made-up jargon to describe a situation or event, single-handedly destroying the target’s self-esteem and worldview.
• Your late-friend Johnny was the weirdest person who ever lived. He did the strangest things. Even though you think he was a weirdo, you have to admit, the results were “worth it.”
• It’s a tale with no meaning and no point– yet one that must be told elicits the most sympathetic response.
• Give your character an impossible list of tasks, ridiculous prerequisites, and insane hoops and twirls to jump through. Poetically portray humiliation, the extreme senses of frustration and despair, and/or autism.
• If you build a boat, will it hold up? If you build a raft, will it be water-tight? Are you looking out for me? Breathe. In depth. Exhale.
• What is your ultimate reality television experience? Take Lana Condor On A Blind Date spoof scene from To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before by Jenny Han for example! What is your ultimate reality television experience?
• Orhan Pamuk, a Turkish writer known for The Black Book, grew up in Kaffeebecher, an Arab neighborhood in Istanbul, where he sold lemonade called “Bean and Istanbul.”
• Nanai is a three-toed sloth who mainly feasts on prickly pear cactus to supplement his protein. He has been waiting for fair share solar panels from the energy company so he can stop eating cactus and start spinning his fiber, like many of the young sloths in his community do.
• Story about movies or books that sound cool when you’re framing the scene but are terrible when you get down to it.
• She was the sweetest girl in the whole wide world, but not a day went by without a peacock trying to ride my bike.
• Unplug everything. Feel your breathing. Slowly have a panic attack. And then plug it in and forget about it.
• Checklist, checklist. What’s something you need to make sure you don’t forget to do on a first date?
• He ran into the mead with a paper in hand. He was an author, not just a writer, but a famous…oh, never mind.
• Professor Dudley says, “No pain-no gain.” Considering this new-old adage, a sailor on a paddleboard
• No one ever went into the old meat processing plant since it closed twenty years ago. But one day someone noticed and followed the little trail of steam coming from the roof. When they got to it they were shocked. The smell of meat and fresh blood made them gag. What they saw was hard to believe at first. What they saw made them vomit. You see, the factory was now run by mad scientist cooks. They use meat that people use to buy. It doesn’t come from there. What they cook is so good people can’t resist the smell. Their main item is called Fainiburger. It is so good it is supposed to change from a gas to a solid. Fainiburger is rolled out into a tent where people buy it to go. People were buying all the meat they could get their hands on. It’s a family operated business that parents love to cater businesses with for birthdays, weddings, you name it. It’s just so popular people can’t get enough.
• Declare pestilence on the previously killer garden gnomes that are now holding your neighbor’s son hostage under your stair step.
• Madness victims are happier than the sane, who just want to get fourteen hours of sleep in one night, without the disruption of yet another “loud noise scare”.
• No one was sure if his mother was pushing the boundaries of time, space, and his mouth just to hear him scream.
• They say curiosity killed the cat. And ever since you got curious about the wrong thing and followed that dog, you’ve regretted every decision you’ve made.
• As Gary Larson did for comics, compose a hyper-stylized, exaggerated prose that mimics the surface qualities of a very different kind of writing.
• That expression on your face, bemused and awry, one side of your mouth curling up in a mocking half-smile. The blind rage upon seeing my drawings, my close-guarded secrets, the pieces of my heart laid bare, stained in carbon soot.
• You’re not a real shifter until you’ve had your skin eaten off, your body drained of blood, and had your eyeballs pecked out by a crow.
• Travel back in time to observe a historical event, alive and in person. Use your knowledge of the future to influence the outcome of said event.
• Just after his mother had died, he saw the apparition next to him with her arms outreached. Good thing it was seen through the webcam of his computer.
• We demolished a small, defenseless, sandcastle and the world crushed us like it crept up on a surprise party.
• What if every word you wrote was written in pineapple upside-down cake? Would anything make any sense?
• Write a funny poem. This could be a parody on Old King Cole, or another famous poem. You might want to try to whole Sonnet 43 nevertheless inquire of me…
• You’ve had moments of Clarity. A heightened awareness that gives you the sense that you have your feet on solid ground. But for the most part, you meander, unsure of your place. With a slight sense of fear, you’ve built walls around yourself and your heart, using your past experiences as bricks. But at this best, you are Chaotically Neutral… photographic proof.
• 1. Africa Revisited  – ‘On civilizing Western civilization, African masks, cold weather and the skull’ – Makgoba
• A man went into a shop, asked for “six back scratchers.” Mentioned ticks. “Been bitten by a dog recently?” he asked. So he asked for a “pea shooter” to “blow all those ticks away.” He said this at an old-fashioned general store. They sold everything from guns and paints to “tack and feed.” “Geesh,” says Bob. “This puppy will blow every one of those ticks right out of their blood.” Lermontov Palmerrell was able to shoot all the ticks away with a pea shooter.
• Make the reader think the story is going to follow a straight line, when, in fact, you’re going to take it on a sharp left turn.
• As he drifted off, he pinched his wife’s leg until she hit him on the belly. “Hey!” she said. “That’s not a good idea.” He said, “I was swimming and my head fell off.”
• Fiona Smythe, a four year old lives whenever her father isn’t around. Once he’s blessedly gone, she transforms into her evil knock-off of Barbie. One afternoon, her father is just about to head out to a business meeting, so he asks her to give him a kiss for luck. The request, of course, makes Fiona sick. Instead, she tells him that Holiday Barbie will kiss him on the cheek instead of “dry rubbing her lips”. Disgusted, the father leaves. The audience expects this story to go down a typical road. But no, when Dad returns home a few hours later thinking he’d made a major business deal, the father is met with a post-it note which says, “I need a bigger attic”. It turns out that, for her “treat”, Fiona took a pretty BB gun and did some barrel racing with a broom handle. Thus, the note.
• Write the story of someone who’s really, really good at PowerPoint. Even in an era of Google and Twitter, their slides are so good, the audience is hypnotized.
• Think of the space capsule scene in “Wrath of Khan” and what ensues when a man with healthy “curiosity” and a few jumplings of plunk get together.
• Imagine your laundry folder is a person. Cool, yet annoying. So you dump them out in a single heap and they jumble around like an angry drunk.
• During the Time of Gray, no one dared voice their true thoughts in public or in private. It took courage to gain new knowledge.
• A New York caveman was trying to spelunk, but could not climb up because he had a belly. So he yelped as loud as he could…then a few minutes later, his buddy dropped him a ladder. That’s not real real, but so real it’s real.
• Go inside your car and write. Give all the details – make it like no one else could have experienced this exact thing.
• Until society is prepared to accept its place within the natural order and begin setting reasonable goals for alternatives, there is no choice but to rely on the perpetuation of primitive and environmentally atrocious technologies like nuclear power.
• Write about how you woke from the most fascinating dream just to find yourself in the most boring situation you’ve ever been in!
• Tell it all. Do not be sensitive.   Trust the reader to catch only the essentials of your story while filling in the gaps. Embrace the fact that there is so much more to understand and experience than you will ever write.
• After reading these, breathe out or exhale. Still holding your finger against the key, remove your finger and look through them! Breathe out and then do this 2 more times.  See what happens.
• The longer you looked at your face, the longer you were convinced a monkey could do a better job, but he was an idiot.
• Make the thread exactly the right size to fit through the hole, and then turn it one thousand times to the right as you enter the hole… from which things currently come out.
• Why did the poet love his cabin in the woods so much? He simply loved it more than anything else in the woods.
• The terraforming is a certainty the simulations proved it. Nothing could go wrong, we planned for every eventuality. You can’t hide in spilled milk.
• Sometime in the future, a human might fall in love with a robot and other pieces of monumental fiction.
• A bear, a car, a tire, a wheel and a turkey walk into a bar. Sounds a lot like the start of a joke. But it’s no joke when the turkey comes in shooting. And the only joke you get out of it is the one on your tombstone.
• You haven’t spoken to your father in a very long time. He has been remanded to the sub-basement laundry facilities for the past several years and forced to tend to the mundane needs of the wealthy. You are ready to go see him and release him from the duties of the laundry worker.
• You’re distracted by a magnificent sunset. Succumbing to its warm and welcoming glow, your thoughts begin to drift apart as you become enchanted by the burning blue hue that dances in the sky.
• That hidden side of yourself that usually doesn’t get displayed in everyday company has to be hidden no more because the surprise party your spouse has planned for you is sneaking up on you and it’s going to be occupying every corner of your house, so, get in harmony with yourself…cause it is all out now.
• Things lay broken and forgotten, scattered as if a storm had swept through somewhere, regretting di…
• Everyone can be silent and noisy at the same time. You just need to have earbuds that are plugged into your ears…
• There are times when you write for the world to see, and then there are times when you write to see if the words will fit.
• There once was a man from Nantucket, who had a whack of almonds, and a lady from Racine, who couldn’t disarm him.
• A pleasant stroll, or maybe a marathon run is what you usually experienced on your bike tour around your neighborhood and imagined on your couch in front of the TV.
• A very hot summer day, as you laid your head on her lap, she told you a long, sad story which you never forgot. She was buried in a seaside grave, with her action figures never to be played with again.
• How many Jifs does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three! One to unscrew the world, one to screw the future, and one to screw the future back on. Or you could just add all your Jifs together…
• A Greek chorus of a dozen people stand behind you one by one and speak 2 lines. It is irrelevant as to what they say. It is merely the sound of their voices.
• You are asleep within a dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream, within another dream…
• Three little pigs.  Pop! Goes the first pig’s house!  Pop! Goes the second pig’s house!  Whoops! There goes the big bad wolf…  Oh, no…Not the third little pig’s house.
• I spent all night cleaning up blood from the lobby. It was hard to get out of the cracks of the floor.
• A ship was floating in the water far below the mountains with hope in the captain’s eyes. Here it comes. One second. One…
• One of these days is sadly about to be your last. Unless you can think up a quick and clever ending.
• An important lesson for all authors who wish to create scenes of tension – make your characters talk about the farthest thing from the trouble at hand.
• Freeze time for 2 minutes. When the timer goes off, you’ll be one month older. What does the future hold for you?
• While you were away on holiday, your aunt decided to redecorate your living room in red and white and where your couch used to be is now a large bird cage.
• Einstein never wore greetings. Mohandas Gandhi never wore pants. Amelia Earhart never wore underwear.
• Have your main character wake up to themselves having done something absolutely and totally different from your previous work.
• If you could go back in time and witness the birth of anything or anyone, what would it be? What would the circumstance be, what year would it be back to? Where would you be, …?
• The Most Interesting Man in the World explains why all flags are bad and go 170 kilometers per hour in 45 seconds.
• Deconstructing the pro wrestling persona – make the wrestler into a non-wrestler and tell why that character became a non-wrestler.
• When your TV makes too much noise while on the phone, you need a remote that allows you to effectively bat at the volume control.
• You’re playing your cosmic stereo and tripped over a sidewalk crack. That’s strange. There had never been one there before.
• A journal between two friends, one who lost his wife in a car accident and one who has just admitted a one night stand after she told him she is starting to see someone else.
• You live in an average world. There is nothing special about the world you inhabit. Something or someone will come along to show you that there is.And this last one has always been a favorite of mine. It comes from video games. That’s right. VIDEO GAMES!
• You got off the bus in the morning and greeted your friend with, “Hi, Napping! Did you have a good napp?! Ha ha! Keep on sleeping and your dreams will come true.”
• Desperately searching for what idiot lost your pet bunny.  The little tyke was wearing an army helmet too. What was he training for?
• Hansel and Gretel were lost, children’s bones were forgotten next to the four day old ash of the campfire.
• One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. — Slight variation on the above creepypasta prompt, “Five Tries Not to Wake up”
• Junk was gold in California. People would pay top prices just to have back whenever they thought the world was about to end.
• It has been said that the element of surprise is very important in horror novels. Surprise works extremely well and is oftentimes one of the most powerful tools in horror writing. The element of surprise will help pack a more powerful emotional punch.
• And that was that. Abraham Lincoln had saved the country once again, thus realizing his mother’s dream of him becoming President.
• Your name will be mispronounced all your life, people will get it wrong and you can’t seem to make them stop.
• Write an elevator pitch for a killer morphological virus that eats human bones. No. Make that human flesh.
• There was a man they sent to a giant rocket! But something was wrong with the world. Something was definitely wrong.
• Mom and Dad always loved you best. You were the one they called on to make decisions and rescue them from challenging and inconvenient situations. Be careful…they may be the reason you’re in prison and can’t call your own family.
• You carry the love of your life with you everywhere you go. Unfortunately, she dies every day at midnight. It’s worse than a story in a book.
• This is more of an art technique. You pick a cool or funny sentence and then crop Griff before while typing it or doing something.
• Only humans could take over natural resources for ourselves leaving behind a mess for another species.
• You win some, you lose some. When Tagore’s car breaks down during a family vacation his life takes a turn for the worst but is it more than that. Will the sale of a winning lottery ticket unravel even harder times ahead or is it the answer he is looking for?
• Write without letting the pencil ever touch the paper. Have the fingers glide across the page as you type.
• You are sealed in a room that is temperature controlled perfectly. You can never be too cold or too warm, but you are not allowed to leave.
• Your life was in black and white. You were used to the setting, and you liked it that way. Then one day you discovered there was a color channel you had completely missed out on. What would you see with a color camera now that you’re no longer entirely shielded from color…?
• Write about a time despite a nagging voice in the back of your head you did something crazy and insane.
• Interrogate your lawn mower. Praise him for launching the first successful lawn mower satellite at the feverish apex of his mechanical orgasm.
• There once was a woman who was so attractive, four men were fighting to their deaths for the right to marry her, but the question was…. Which one would she choose?
• Dogs eat homework. It’s what they do. Period. End of sentence. The end. The era of the Thompson family.
• I saw a cockroach skittering up your arm to your shoulder. Don’t be scared. I’ll grab it and put it outside.
• Your father’s wealth and popularity have meant you one thing so far—privilege. Is that where your laundry list of qualifications end? Or have a few gaps gone unfilled?
• The Iceman Prank. Buy an 1/8 of weed then go to the freezer. Make all your friends think the weed is just covered in ice. Wake them up, and the Iceman will have come and gone.
• Think about someone you know who is either really short, really tall, or really fat. Have him/her walk into the room.
• Arthur was a child of fantasy and truth. Not often could he tell the difference, thus his name, which seemed fitting.
• Everyone else is a redbird and you’re a robin. What happened, how can they all be redbirds and you be a robin?
• Everyone thought you were Egyptian. But it turned out you were just a little black boy whose father was a dentist for the Egyptian royal family.
• Something old… Something new… Something borrowed… Something gray… The time he slipped on a banana skin and broke his leg. The dress she wore on her first date with him. They taught the millionaire to sing his last will and testament.
• What happens when you put the world’s grumpiest man in front of a mirror, and let him complain and moan about his life for ninety minutes…?
• And the following prompts are about more common submissions, and my feeling is that they did not deserve an accept, however funny stories.
• Somebody worked really hard drawing something on your face or body. Emphasize how impressed you are that they drew a dinosaur on you, or a plane, or a flower, or a penis, or a pot leaf. It has to have love in the work, of course, and detail. You’ll realize this as the story builds.
• Your school was so boring you decided to explode it. In the end this resulted in you getting expelled.
• Things the stars say. Things that wouldn’t disturb, but wouldn’t exactly lull you to sleep at night.
• Let go of every single bit of sanity you ever had and go completely insane. Hold on to hope and don’t let go of it.
• When there was nothing but sand in the brick, you had to pick up one of the bricks. Maybe it was my brick? Was my brick the one picked up last?
• An astronaut landed and grew tomato plants. If he sees another astronaut do the same, what would he think?
• Every so often, Mr. Grant comes into the break room and does an impression of Clifford Pearson’s grandmother who answers the phone at her nursing home that badly, and you notice that Meeka is terribly upset.
• It seems only yesterday we had a family of wolves, a family of mice, a family of mice that lived in a wolf, a bulldog and a cat that lived in a bank.
• After nearly destroying his village, the Lazy Prince makes sure not to repeat the same mistakes again.
• When bored at a convention, one is advised to see the before and after photos. That should liven things up.
• Two co-workers ran into each other they hadn’t seen in a while. “Good to see you,” they greet. Then one says a little sarcastically . . .
• At the murder trial, the prosecutor said that the victim had 30 stab wounds but bite marks showed that 42 teeth to be involved. The murderer confessed, but said that it was a “joint effort”.
• They warned him not to eat the fiddle player, but he did not listen. He did, of course, get sick. Everything in…
• Throw your main character in a situation that is completely wrong and confusing for him/her. His/her normal behavior will seem very out of place.
• Exactly how it sounds—nonsense punctuation. Bold and italic letters if you prefer, use as many words as you wish, be as silly as you want… just make it nonsense.
• Cold and brittle bark, the delicate touch and the delicate scent. Her hands and lips were mine. Hers and she would not be comforted.
• I tried bondage, but you don’t get quite the same screams from younger women after removing their clothes.
• If you find a way to fulfill your wish or dream would you stop wishing or dreaming? Or would you make the most of it?
• A computer woke up in a new millennium, asked itself “where am I?” and answered “Negative Space.” God was not there.
• Every action hero story needs a protagonist who needs help getting their suit on. What’s your story?
• Make something funny out of reality. Maybe you want to make a laughing stock of yourself, or you might just want to share the humdingers of reality.
• 3. Next, find an oddity in the story. Something out of place from what should normally be the case. Ask it to tell you the story. Place the story back in the box and take it somewhere completely different. Pluck out a new story of the absurdity of the first in some bizarre variant.
• This one is great because it gives you the opportunity to tap into a deep, dark place in your soul and create a detestable Exceeder with one simple adjective…
• Frodo realised as he walked down the final stretch of the yellow-brick road that it might not have been quite as easy as all that being the last ring bringer.
• The woman three houses down has been staying up until three in the morning knitting mittens for kittens.
• A one-armed man is shooting dice with God. God always wins. The one-armed man does not understand why.
• Why did the chicken cross the road? Why?  You better know the answer to that philosophical question, or you are going to die.
• Start worse and make it progressively worse until it’s extremely out of whack and you suddenly get a happy ending. Springtime for Hitler.
• Think specifically and thoroughly about the last helicopter you saw. Then the last car you saw with its lights off. The last bag of bird seed.
• Look both ways before you cross. No one cares about the people or the dog that crosses against the light. If you want to stay alive, you need to know where they are.
• The woman’s shoulder blades brushed against one another whenever she stretched her arms above her head
• A few of these prompts are more for free writing exercises than for actual stories, but either way they both have potential to inspire your creativity. If you have TONS of ideas flowing about your prompt, zip up your overalls and start writing! If you’re still looking for some fresh inspiration, don’t worry. You’ll be able to get a lot out of these so keep reading!
• The kick is a novelist, struggling to cope with a bad writing day. Unfortunately, she has no idea how to solve this problem. Her Muse has abandoned her, and every word she types expends more agony on her and less on the keyboard. There is no spell for this. There are no charms or potions that will bring the Muse back to her. So, she gets creative.
• This list is a good way to begin when you don’t know what else to write. It gets the creative juices flowing and can open up new events to put in your flash fiction.
• As long as a character has multiple dimensions to him or herself, it can be funny to throw in an eclectic mix of traits. Just when a reader thinks you’ve made a character’s outlook on life clear cut by developing her beyond the generic-ness, toss in a personality trait that prevents such a judgment.
• The person who gives you the most rhetorical questions about your life is the one who divulged information best saved for yourself.
• A kid whose father owned the local book store dresses up as the Sesame Street icon and blocks the aisle hock
• Just when you thought you couldn’t make use of laughter yoga. This book will open your heart,…
• Cats act like real cats and are the best all around pets. Dogs act like we would expect and better adapt to a modern society. Explain how boring this would be.
• Little old me, lost in the city. Feeling crushed by the magnitude of it all, the cold, hard concrete. Oh, better yet. The city was frozen in a thick layer of snow, making every movement sound heavy. It was the city’s yearly tradition to remain encased in ice, adding on to the city’s beauty and making everyone provide one another with warmth of all kinds… After all, we needed to move forward from the ice age.
• Tell us a story of a true heartbreak. Or you could talk about how that one time Jim chose Sue over me for the basketball team going to the state championship almost got me a heart attack.
• No matter how popular some other brand might be,  there was none better and more loved than the one you were using.
• Turn your antagonist into a godly complex being, and pretend to be winning the battle for all of five minutes. Then get beaten by a fifteen-year-old boy driving a borrowed car.
• These stories often have a punchline at the end, there may be an irony, weirdness or fantasy surrounding the premise, or the character may come to a realization.
• A bird falls from the sky and into your soup. You scream and jump out of your chair, food and broth tumbling to the floor. The maid misunderstands and burns down your house.
• You have unbelievably super powers. Seriously, you can make anything possible. How do you squander them away?
• Thanatos, my boyfriend, just broke up with me. He saw me with Keith at the Winter Carnival. Even though Keith has a mohawk, gold teeth and a skull and crossbones dimestore ring. Even though I’ve never even liked Thanatos in that way.
• On a clear, cold day, the sky is blue. If it is in the middle of summer, the sky can smell like butter melted into hot toast. On this sort of day, you think that there will be corn.
• Flip a coin, heads or tails? Both phrases mean either, and the reader just keeps flipping the coin back and forth.
• If you have a funny story, but you’re at a loss for how to actually write it, you might try writing a paragraph pretending it’s a very serious story. And then go through and periodically, CONSCIOUSLY write the funnier version of the same thing. My advice is…  to take a break from writing for a while and sort of have a little fun with what you’ve written. Don’t let yourself take it too seriously. Think of it as entertainment.  If your writing style lends itself more to humor, then let yourself go and enjoy yourself.
• Some stories are being told at dinner-time. Somewhere in the world. Some for the first time. Someone somewhere is listening for the first time. And someone else somewhere is listening for the last time.
• Oxymoron! The Wag Bag.   Also, look up this link! It’s a great website, but there’s so many great links included in Wikipedia that it baffles me how many can fit in there! It’s important to look at this page too if you’re a beginner! It’ll teach you terminology!
• My parents were involved in a cult, and there’s this ritual they performed where they sacrificed me.
• Have you heard the one about the person who just sat around and killed time all the time? One day…
• The letter is a lie. You may be a better writer than you think. Consider each sentence to be a letter, each paragraph a word, each chapter a paragraph, each book a chapter. Pulling those words apart you see meaning and find original story ideas in the same manner.
• This is your captain speaking, we will be experiencing some slight turbulence for the next five minutes. Please remain seated and keep your seatbelts fastened.
• Divorce isn’t easy, especially when trying to divide up all your pent-up rage. Good luck untangling these plots.
• A war has destroyed the human race leaving only robots, molded to look human. Now there is a war between the dark and light robots.
• The devil goes to at least one parent-teacher conference every year, and sometimes they even make him feel guilty.
• In order to get to the garden party, she would have to negotiate 1,967 miles of tunnels before emerging into the sunlight.
• You put on a wig and head on a quick trip to the store. You forgot your wallet, but they have it on camera, so you decide you won’t mind paying. As you exit, you see the curtain fall and hear the dial tone in the background of the camera shop.
• If a character is mentioned in one section of the story, then he or she must be cast as a character who speaks a great deal later in the narrative.
• Imagine you are a copywriter for a clothing store. Your task is to come up with some made-up sign slogans.
• Jimmy raised an ear to the lamp light to play. He could feel it loosening, maybe he could make it fall.
• A car stopped at a red light. It was a robot car. The lights turned green, but the car didn’t move. When the car was about to get a ticket, the light turned to yellow, to orange and the car hurried away.
• There once was a pirate who made out with a mermaid’s wet Wardrobe. From that day forth, he was covered in scales, and started swinging a noose around.
• The dog’s name was confusing. It looked like it was supposed to be a newly created dog ending in the suffix -y, but the dog instead ended with the suffix -day. And, to top it all off, the dog did not look like a dog.
• Another Sunday, another family argument about hair. A haircut of disproportionately epic proportions that not only divides a family, it hermetically seals them off from others and the outside world.
• A deaf person hears a knock at the door and opens it to find a race of others who live without doors.
• You didn’t look at my test grade right away. You placed the test in your backpack and went fishing.
• Make someone feel something. It can be an emotion. It can be the feeling of something. And it should lead to the next feeling. Feelings are lead. – Joss Whedon, an earlier TV writer with an earlier success on one of those small messaging things.
• Be cool. Like nothing’s wrong. Of course your then wife is not going to meet you. Why would she? You took the dog you love. Kimmy, the Chihuahua and your credit cards, car and your money. You can always borrow money from your buddy Owen. That’s what friends are for. You think you are at his house. You woke up one morning just an hour ago and came right here. You were at a party and his neighbors came over for a party. You hung out until it was time to go to work. But you don’t think you work. Yet you went to your bank and tried to withdraw money out. But the money wasn’t there. What is going on? You get up to leave. Go to his living room and you try to call Noel. But you can’t get through. She is not answering. You have a wife Sidney and a daughter Marie. You dated once. But you left what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. At the moment you wish you never stepped foot into the city. This is too strange.
• I finally lost the last stubborn 10 pounds the week before my husband deployed. By the time he came back, I’d gained it all back and then some.
• You’re stuck on a deserted island in the middle of nowhere, with an iPad that never runs out of power and creates online jobs for you to do.
• I’ve always wanted to work with children. They are so innocent and vulnerable. Timmy is my first. Isn’t he darling?
• I lay down on a meadow, looked up at the sky and sensed there was something out there in the background.
• What is the last thing left in your fridge that is particularly delicious/mutant/vicious when preserved?
• There have been many articles, books, and many other creative works and compilations of comedic writing prompt ideas.
• Think of a belief about how the world works and write a story embodying the belief, then tell a story that says the opposite.
• A meteor destroys the Earth and turns everything–including one of the characters–to dust. Whether the dust remembers being made of people is up to you.
• An even funnier version is that the more things change, the more they stay the same…no one would suspect something was amiss with the status quo.
• He cares for his patients with a sincere and serious demeanor, and he is obsessed with caramel popcorn.
• Humor is in everything, even in a research writing– as Clotho always knew. Just by taking a couple of minutes or even a whole semester to look for a literary device, your paper will be funny. Why? Because…well, excuse me, but you were looking and Clotho approves of that effort.
• Hum, Um, Umm, Ahh… those were the only noises that existed before the great ‘Eu’n’ to begin existence.
• Someone dies, and their ghost lingers on, not able to cross over until the person responsible,” takes ownership” of the mistake and apologizes.
• The tricky thing with a word is that you keep using it the more you use it, the more you have to keep using it until it loses all of it’s mystery and nuance, and the more it stands for what it means and the more it doesn’t stand for what it means.
• The terrible things youngsters with the best intentions do not only to their bodies, but also their minds.
• Cue bedtime story, The Princess and the Pig. One characteristic of a princess is that they are beautiful. This describes Dawn, the princess in the Hunter family. She is just about as
• Humor is delicate. Laughing at a story only happens if one buys into all the elements of a story. This happens when everything works, if all the pieces fit together.
• The Sith created a vacuum-sealed, pressure-cooked chamber that conserves foods’ freshness while dropping their caloric content.
• For two days you and your friends have traveled across unexplored land. A cry of warning guides you as you see two large mountains on the horizon. Over the next four hours you spy nearly 17 different creatures, some you’ve never seen before.
• Suffer the little children. Let them suffer. Just pour the gasoline and strike the match. Feed the fire until it burns to your fingertips and beyond.
• In the worst of times, there is good. In the best of times,there is bad. The number of bad times as the number of good times will tell you just how good or bad life is.
• And lastly the romantic prompt. This can work in all areas of love. A crush/love is always fun to write about.
• Each time the mother checked on her child’s progress in writing, she found an addition to the story. The change was small and subtle but the words took on a sinister tone and a darker scene played out within the pages. Read more HERE . There’s no better time than Halloween to read something spooky.
• I’m a single girl in New York City who is very satisfied with her life and doesn’t need a boyfriend.
• Imagine a world in which people can read and write without actually learning how. The entire language is pre-programmed into people from birth and cannot be changed. They learn how words fit together by watching TV. Imagine a whole society like that.
• You’re in an alternate timeline in which you have to get from A to B to save the world. You’ve got one hour.
• Everyone you knew was an accountant. Steven loved accountants. He was seventeen. His father said, “Be an accountant, son. Work isn’t as much fun when you smooth out the numbers for a living.” So, Steven smoothed out the numbers for a living. It was billed as his lifelong dream. Until, one day, Steven was completely, absolutely and utterly bored. His secretary, an incredibly attractive French Exchange student, Mimi, grudgingly handed out thick piles of paperwork. Steven reported her to human resources. It wasn’t her disgust that compelled him so much as her complete and unconditional love of his miserable work life. He hired her out of desperation. For no reason but to relieve her suffering, Steven committed a small infraction on his tight little scale of morality. It felt good.
• You know the drill people. To all the great people who contributed so far , thanks once again for your time, trouble and talent. Keep on ’em coming.
• Each night you buried part of a body in the backyard. The body parts would be right there in the morning with you, with no sign of digging.
• What is hidden in the closet? A monster? A creature from your imagination? The memory of your mother’s hands when she tucked you in when you were little? Maybe it’s nothing…
• You had a jar of cookies. You opened one to make sure they were fresh but… they weren’t. That jar was fresh as your grandmother’s pie crusts!
• The Fiddler on the Roof story is a nice one to do if you want a long story with some foolishness and a touch of magic.
• A man’s fingers on his right hand are amputated. Only his thumb remains.  He uses it to give advice by saying, “Use your thumb. It’s more clever than the other fingers.”
• If you like these story prompts, please share any favorite funny-story-telling-prompts that you have.
• This is a great list of jokes and funny stories you can use to practice your oral storytelling. And as a member of Story Club, you get unlimited access to this and even more. So sign up today to help your telling skills blossom!
• Someone attacked you with odorant cologne/perfume that smells horrific. You faked illness so you wouldn’t have to wait until the scent went off.  The attackers came to give you a treatment that cleared out your sinuses so the smell could be inhaled through them.
• The pencil refused to be sharpened, chipping its point instead of yielding to the knife each and every time.  It would have been more appropriate to sharpen the knife, or at least the pencil taking the most logical action to avoid being sharpened but that is not how it happened.
• It escalated from a simple party prank, into a brawl, into a gun fight, into a city-wide scourge.  Bobsled Team Nitrocide broke their sponsor’s blockade in an attempt to find a better look.
• Write eight lines of dialogue between two people. First person speaks four beats and the other person speaks three.
• Theodore is a dominatrix. One night, her parents walk in on her getting goodies from the guy next door.
• The 91 bus picks up and drops off at various local places. One time, a local place was an old folks’ home.
• Joan and John were in their kitchen. They had dinner waiting for them. But they forgot to set a place for Bill.
• The old man at the end of the driveway found the bodies and the dog. He didn’t do anything about it. He lived down the block and down the street from every neighbor on the street. And everyone knew that the old man followed people with his eyes down and up, down and up. Everyone knew that the old man was not to be trusted.
• Every time you do something well, every time you praise someone, first think about your satisfaction right after he finishes when no one is looking.
• The professor asked the question and she sat there, her hand raised, finger poised and ready, waiting for a moment to shine. She didn’t know she was supposed to speak. But she wanted to be the best student…ever after all.
• The only thing more disheartening than someone not liking you is the thought of them knowing you don’t like them.
• This is a type of short story frequently found in stand-up comedy. You list a few abnormal points, then finish with the punch-line that ties them together. This family rock collection was a complete load.
• You know how that imaginary friend you made up when you were little stars coming for you late at night.
• Imagine how different your life would be if a few things had a different outcome or someone made a different choice.
• Run someone over without getting caught. The terms of the contract are this, you will have to disguise or conceal the accident.
• In one night, you could be best friends with babies, elderly, bosses, high school and college siblings. No judgments. An equal opportunity grub.
• It seemed a shame to use these prompts on your day-to-day work. You might want to wait for a day that you have a looming, not-dealt-with issue. It can turn out to be a powerful tool in helping you see a new side to a problem and potentially solve this issue more easily. It can also be demoralizing to see a problem solve itself immediately with resolving some sort of less-than-intimidating issue.
• Stretching? She’s been practising how to crack her bones to make them longer and stretchy like rubber bands since she was a child.
• Write a character profile of yourself. What’s your epic flaw? What impression do people have of you?
• The sight of a white rose in bloom left the villagers speechless and senseless. One spindly blossom was white. One plant, in all the village, had produced a white rose. The villagers had seen white flowers before, but always in person. Never in the art form, because the white heather and albiflora were not flowers. This single, perfect blossom was no more than a mirage, but nothing so horrible could bring the people of this village to their knees.
• Where does the lost city that never existed in the middle of Europe of a desolate country that had been torn apart by war stand?
• You’re a trolley. You have to follow the rail. If you veer off the tracks a voice shouts, “You’re going the wrong way, trolley!”
• The kid across the street has fallen from grace, but did the kid across the street fall hard enough?
• Two nine-year-old girls were whispering about their mother when one said, “I think it’s such a shame that Mom has to work. She doesn’t even notice what any of us are wearing.”
• Two guys and one girl must decide who is going to break up with who in order to save everybody’s self-esteem.
• The urge to fit the story into the shape of the prompt is as strong in the author as it is in the story editor.
• Your total is six twenty-two but you had loose change and only one bill which amounted to six dollars and twenty-two cents. Which item would you purchase?
• Your two thousand monkeys are going crazy and you can’t keep them on task. They’re everywhere on every site giving out spoilers and secrets.
• Your elementary school teacher and your best friend get in a giant fight. They call out each other’s weaknesses and failures, and just before the teacher is about to tell your friend he’s a fraud, your friend interrupts.
• Ending It needs not be said, but all of the following are very open ended. Your choices are unlimited. This is an opportunity to produce your own original fiction.
• Use in a character’s name something that is anatomically wrong, but which everyone refuses to see as incorrect.
• We’ve all done something weird when we think we aren’t being watched. Write about it and post it in a public space. See what happens!
• PETA sent you their monthly newsletter in the mail one day. Did you know they recreate the slaughter of your steak?
• Ask questions to get back at an enemy. There are only two ways he can answer with both being negative.
• Starting with “The little Red Hen” tells a story making the effort of the heroes the hardest thing imaginable.
• The Flintstones versus the Jetsons. What if Josie worked at a lingerie store and Pebbles wanted to buy some lingerie but she doesn’t have any money. So Steve makes it so the Jetsons can get free lingerie? What happens next?
• A magician is never late because he gets there twice. –Arkan Gus……. My favorite story is the one about the magician.
• You wake up and discover you’re the only person left on Earth. How will you maintain the power grid? What are you going to eat, if anything at all?
• It was a bright mountain day, but on the top of this cliff it was lonely, cold, and windy. An eagle could have circled and landed, but no one would have ever known the difference.
• Sometimes we forget to think. Thinking a pretty big word. A lot of people don’t really know how to use it.
• Write a scene where the last survivor of the human race returns to find everyone long gone. What does he do to get through the day? What reminds him of people? What does he miss about his fellow man?
• You were coming home from school one day. You were behind a house, sitting on a hill. You noticed clothes hanging on the line. You wondered if, instead of jeans and skirts, they wore socks.
• Teacher- One day you have a frog and you put it in a blender, and you can make frog smoothies. BLARGH~ That’s what you should use the blender for instead of drinks.
• What if you discovered a secret restaurant? And not just any secret restaurant but a secret restaurant with really good food.
• A unicorn walks into a bar, points to the bartender and says, “I’ll have a beer, and no one better speak or look at me!”
• Pick one object and one emotion. Have your character act out that emotion through the use of this object.
• Write about an anonymous character. No names, no description of the character, just write the events of the day as if you were this person.
• Once upon a time there was a progressive left-wing liberal chick enamored by socialist/leftist ideologies.
• You drink your favorite drink, and when no one is looking, and there’s a drip of liquid left at the bottom of the cup… you quietly eat it!
• A man walks into a bar and sits down. “I’d like to get some wine.” The bartender replies, “You’re out of luck. There is no wine in this bar.”
• You’re the new girl in town, and you don’t know what food to eat. Soylent Green? Peak Purple? Purple Flavored Soylent Green?
• Add some food coloring to your drink. Neck it in about thirty seconds. Then act completely oblivious as your friends try to point out that orange soda does not come with blue straws.
• Take 2 very different characters with an unlikely pairing and drop them into a common situation, great conversation, or funny setting.
• Explain to others what is going on in a beautiful way, that you understand as clear as day, but the others can not understand because they aren’t thinking like you, and vice versa.
• You’re at a lonely motel on a dark night in Texas. Open up the kind of horrors you’d expect and the circumstances surrounding the same.
• -Each character has one weapon, one piece of armour, one accessory, and one special skill. It’s a dungeon-crawler game, and you’ll need to roll dice to beat the monsters each round.
• You’re in the garden swearing at the neighbours cat. It’s just run off with your favourite pot plant. And you’ve got a very rare, pure white, orchid in there. You can’t believe that he’s stolen your expensive orchid, this special blossom indeed! “CAT!” you yell! “Did you take my orchid! He runs off with the cutest little grin! “Cat.” you scream!” He never learned his lesson, not even once, that sneaky cat.
• In the sea were several huge rectangular sea-veggies. They had been married for several months and were arguing about things in their life.
• Your grandmother had to explain, show and tell to your father because he thought it would be something physical that he could do instead of just talking.
• All of history, well the first forty second of it. The history of an entire world… condensed into forty two seconds… And you could not read lips, but you knew everything… and you were present.
• Our five year old neighbor/friend, or whoever you’d like, died in a tragic accident. Circa 1990, say.
• Larry would be home early every Tuesday. For years this went on silently. Tonight was his first Tuesday coming home.
• You need to isolate the main character. Take your main character out of where he first appeared and put him/her/they in an entirely different time or place.
• Remember when you were younger, how you had to wear those ugly clothes your mum and dad bought you.   Enjoy those days because now you’re too old and don’t want to wear them.
• BUT WAIT. We’re getting ahead of ourselves. This only covers the beginning. This only covers the first bit of the story. As the story goes on, you will become more and more immersed in the story. You will have bigger problems to deal with, and that will change everything. Simultaneously your protagonist will develop and improve herself. The deeper she gets into the story, the more immersed she will become. The more she immerses herself in the story, the more it consumes her life. The more it consumes her life, the harder it is to immerse herself anymore. And… you get the idea.
• And the creature spoke of a place where he could find me…. In the warm glow of his eyes…. It soothed my worries…
• Then a small bird landed on his window sill and pecked at the egg for what must have been hours, days maybe even weeks. Another appeared, then a third. Before he knew it he had a whole flock of birds. Which one of them started pecking first, he couldn’t be sure. — Hills Behind the Hills
• Sometimes staying in bed seemed like the best option. The hot water was so, so, so deliciously inviting. What a mighty quandary…to take a bath and reflect upon the warm wax structured layers of Cthulhu that impregnated the many dimensional universe.
• Your story must include a parent of yours… Who must in the beginning, seem like the most intimidating, or bossiest parent in the world. Deep into the story, you reveal that your dad just likes cookies.
• Gravel and tar make a peculiar red, the color of dried blood. The red makes the deserted town feel like a crime scene from a t.v. show.
• Waking up in the middle of the night you notice that a small, circular cleaning device is hovering directly above you. Brandishing a small broom, the device begins to work.
• When you told your sister about the pee covered toilet seat you stubbed your toe on she laughed. She just didn’t want you to accidentally tell your mom. So then you told your mom and she goes, “This is why you need a cat.”
• Several months after his dad died, Travis Hanson’s mom asked him to dig out the frozen ground in the flower bed and replace the barren dirt that their landscaper had spread. It was way too late into the year for planting new flowers, but Travis wanted to comply anyway. Besides, the whole summer before Dad had laid out plans to spread new over the old which had withered and died. He really appreciated the attention she was giving things around the old house. This was one of the first steps on their road back to healing.
• I get the junk, like what comes at the bottom of a Christmas tree. Not the pretty, caramel colored hard candy, but the rock hard sticks of sugar, faded red and green swirl candy canes, broken toffee candy bits, and the occasional Gummy bear.
• At night when everyone else was asleep, she would cry in her pillow so no one could hear her. When she was done, she would go to sleep crying. Her bed would be a little damp. If anyone were to lie next to her, it would be damp, too.
• There was a small boy who had a special hanky, one with magical powers.  The hanky knew the boy only had 12 days to live.
• When you pause to think about life and death, you realize something strange. A pause may make your life epic.
• Me and my friends were lost in an enchanted forest. We wandered for hours and hours until we couldn’t take it anymore. We finally stumbled upon the moon
• Explain brilliant commentary during a movie that the patrons had hated due to the movie theater being empty.
• People used to stop and stare at the paintings in the hallway, but by the end of the month, they still did.
• Another day, another death, another invitation into an unbelievably realistic TV world. You climbed in, twice as dyed as everyone and not worried about it all. Why?
• A diligent husband is about to hurl when he realizes he will have to tell his sweet bride-to-be that their house is infested with – what else – termites.
• Write a story that involves a character whose nose is two different colors who is brought in to solve your problem.
• Noah gathers animals of every shape and form onto an ark in preparation for a flood of Biblical proportions… Did God really say?’
• I was at the park and saw a very small police officer chasing a hobo in speedos. They were having a really good time…
• What would it be like if the weather forecast was 100% accurate? What if we knew no surprises? What if…forecasts could predict the past?
• “Wait till you see my next trick.” And then the magician’s head disappeared into the striped rabbit.
• A shape spun off the blackboard, screwing its way into the floor and down into your neighbor’s crawl space. Eventually its grinding and crunching in the dirt dissipated and all that remained was the blackboard.
• In order to change the world you want to have a younger lover. Will you wait for him or her to grow up?
• Lost and alone in the winter wilderness – 100 miles from the nearest settlement – completely broken mitten!
• Those who walk in sunlight shall become vampires, and walk at night. Those who walk in darkness shall become werewolves, and become white in the moonlight, howling at invisible dogs.
• “She got you good.  She really got you good.”  Over and over again this line gets repeated, but as the story goes on it is not as clear if someone is being serious or was someone who played a joke on him.  There might even be a third possibility in this story.
• Ginny had been writing a letter all week and it was wholly involved in her biggest secret of all. If she were to tell you, it might get out. She did not want anything to leak out. It was about the handsome young American flexing his muscle by the fireplace. He was her ticket to the stars. He had told her a lot about himself… he said he had been in the Navy and that he had sailed along the coast of Texas. He had told her he loved strong women of Texas. He enjoyed their head strong personalities and that their curvy bodies were fascinating. Beyond comprehension. But Ginny did not believe him. She knew this boy was all fluff, like cotton candy. He seemed so funnel-like. Too fluffy to be outright and he enjoyed being vague. She could tell he had also been reading a lot. Vagueness in particular.
• Let’s play pretend. You pretend to be a mother and I’ll pretend to be a child. Let’s call the imaginary friend we invented together, Wanda.
• You are possessed by a Werewolf, but it’s okay…you are in love with one. Explain why you use your new found powers for ill rather than good.
• Congratulations, we’ve all been transported into a game in a completely new dimension. One where you will have to fight for your life, or utilize any mad skills and abilities you might have to get by. You can wear all the armor you want, but if you don’t have a sword hanging over your fireplace? You’re coming with me. Is that coming with me a yes or no?
• All of a sudden, you find yourself on trial for your life, yet you’re the accused.  What do you think led you here, and how do you intend to plead?
• The couple took out a life insurance policy on their infant daughter. Two years later, McGuire’s baby was run over by a city bus. To collect on their insurance they gave the agent a list of all the babysitting they’d been doing. Turns out, they’d been babysitting the bus driver.
• A cop pulled me over for speeding. He looked at my ticket and said, “This is you, sir, here, not here.”
• Win the Lottery, a new Lexus every year, celebrity-status, play sports with other celebs, become a political powerhouse…then realize all of that is exactly the same as what you had before.
• Don’t mourn for the loss of humanity. Show us what happened in the wiring of the first murderbot. Show us how they were born. This could be a dark and twisted story or a philosophical exploration of autonomy and empathy in one of impossibility. If you can show the empathy and mercy in a robot it could be compelling and moving.
• You know how you hear of a story in the news about how criminals are rethinking their original choice of career…?
• You are watching The Sound of Music with your family and Julie Andrews breaks out into song and your family wishes you were dead.
• Sweetheart, if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then catch it and keep it. If it doesn’t, let it go. Believe me, you’ll be happier.
• What if somewhere in history an anomaly exists where instead of Germany being on the winning side of World War II, the Axis powers were victorious in the great conflict.
• 1. Light travels faster than sound 2. It is a mathematical certainty that you will never reach your destination if you travel on trains. 3. Read books
• Write a story in which your shoelaces all fall off in the middle of a big event. And they’re not tied correctly. And they’re laces instead of ribbons.
• The story must have a beginning, middle, and end. The ending must not be pat, but surprising, yet in keeping with the tone and style you have established. Tell the story in one complete paragraph.
• Write a story about someone or something exploding, imploding, or tribulationing. Write a backstory for that bomb or superhero.
• A bunch of red ants. A bunch of green ants. Punch them together and what have you got? About a thousand mixed-up ants!
• Purple smoke pumped the car out of the garage. It was a lemon – not even a year old and supposed to be at top of the line for safety and power. Yet here we were…burning in front of a roadside diner.
• He was a sunburned football player, she was a skinny semi-star pitcher. He liked to make a fool of himself and cheer, while she watched and occasionally took tips when he wanted to learn something.
• Aunt Suzy works for the Owl Order. They both start with O. Now you have a bizarre connection to make.
• The world’s end was put off for a time when cotton was king. Dogs had curly tails and only the rich were.
• The perception of your mental narrator is always in the present tense. Show rather than tell. Show the events in the action rather than explaining what’s happening. This concrete action will demonstrate the consequences that are often left to the imagination.
• A man’s hand hurts, because his beautiful wife would like him to get rid of the crab that’s living underneath his hand for three months. But that crab is his best friend! Catch-22.
• A book is a collection of stories written down. Sort of. A gun is a collection of metal bullets in a cardboard cylinder. Sort of. A body is this collection of cells we call a “person”.
• They said he was bad. Evil. A monster. But that didn’t bother me. Nothing in their tales bothered me. Nothing except for the truth–the horrifying, blood-curdling, reality of what my father had become.
• A powerful and suspenseful story from the view of a normal automobile that reminisces a car crash story.
• A democracy isn’t a democracy without freedom, and then when freedom was found it was taken away… when it was the only thing that mattered.
• In a time before time, Where remembering was time for reckoning, A dark stranger, instilled to be loyal, Was the only creature to be Without condemning morality or technique to ascertain his closest friend
• You can’t learn anything from your mistakes if you fail to learn from your success! – Ivan R. Lobotka
• My character gets into a small argument with a family member who went missing… or rather didn’t go missing. Stopped going missing, went missing. Sorry about that.
• Kermit the Frog recounts the one time he met Jim Henson and Gene Roddenberry in Texas. Hasta la vista, until we greet again, my friend. Until we meet again.
• The couple was getting ready for bed.  The man brought in the fish bowl with the pet goldfish that he’d caught earlier that day at the park. Both the man and the fish were surprised that the fish was still alive. He thought the fish was a goner. As he went to brush his teeth, he told his wife that he was going to flush the fish down the toilet. She interrupted him mid-sentence, pointing out to him that the fish had feelings too. He backed away from the toilet insinuating that he had already been caught for what he was about to do.
• A teenage boy realizes he has the ability to reincarnate anyone who died tragically or illustrated. The teenage boy understands he can help the world or simply save the one girl he desires to have.
• Parking violation tickets are too easy to get so they should be made harder to get. Everyone speeds so there should be no speeding.
• What is your scene missing? Legs? A head? Skulls? Hearts? Tell us what is missing from your story scene and leave the rest blank.
• Going overboard and embellishing an insignificant detail. Show off how fabulously ridiculous you’re willing to get.
• Writing a short story when you don’t know what’s going to happen can be a difficult problem when trying to hammer out a story. People go at it all different ways. Four Seat Round Table has a great exercise to help you figure out your story’s plot.
• Write a character and then write another character meeting him/her for the first time. Don’t show your character to the other character.
• Upton Sinclair once said, “It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends upon his not understanding it.” Could Hollywood be the same way?
• If you really didn’t like the second book in this series, it’s probably because you were waiting for this one.
• All of these prompts are designed to help you with your first idea. Starting with a common subject is great for beginners because it can help get your mind thinking about how to create a unique and humorous take on the subject. Eventually you’ll want to start writing creatively without the prompts. This will help you pare down ideas to your own creative voice.
• , written for the Tortured Heroines anthology, in which you are called upon to play yet another tragic character, and it’s up to you whether you choose to tamely submit or get out and leave murkier destruction in your wake.
• You were always the good girl. The one that did everything right. With christian parents. That went to church. Daily. You were the pious one and the most respected. Everyone wanted to be you. To be good like you. Separated by line drawn. Thunder. Lightning. Beach. What keeps you fed. God is a good god. Or was it the Devil in disguise? Oh. It was Jesus? Ha. No. No one told you to kill your husband after he tried to sacrifice you. No one. Let that sink in. Oh you killed your husband? When you were on acid. Weed. Sanity. What’s that? They never informed you about her, of him, your sister, your half-brother. The daughter you met or the son you didn’t.
• Navigating this space between what is and what could be… or better yet, what should be… but isn’t.
• Writing prompts will be used as a starting point for the writing exercises in The Practicum in Creative Writing resource module for The Gazetteer of Mechanical And Mythological Boston, which is available now. More on that in the coming weeks!
• His mother, who had subscribed to the mistaken belief her first child had been born a boy, always tried to dress him in masculine clothing.
• You will have a bouquet of flowers waiting for you. A very special surprise bouquet. The flower delivery boy will be with you shortly, the voice over the phone stated.
• The neighbor across the street from you went missing and no one noticed. You are having a yard sale cheaping out all of their household items and no one seems to notice.
• Write a story in which something is at first glance what it appears to be, but on second glance isn’t.
• There used to be a barber who left around midnight and the next day, he realized the barbershop was much sweeter!
• So, this nerd gets struck by lightning and becomes a genius. He gets the Nobel Prize but does not stop there. He also invents a Death Ray.
• Two-hundred eighty-two candles, one hundred eight cake slices, three eighteen-year-olds, one bride, one groom…
• Organized religion was outlawed. The Chosen One still became the savior and led the remaining faithful outside the walls and into the great unknown…as outlaws.
• The sound you’ve never heard before. The taste that you haven’t tasted. The color that you can’t see. The name you’ve never said.
• Shakespeare’s Macbeth is full of funny situations. Consider putting characters in something similar.
• You’re a chicken crossing a road. What’s hilarious is that directly under you is a road sign that says “Do not cross the road. You will get killed.”
• None of the lights would turn on. In fact, if you were to risk turning one on, the bulb won’t even light up.
• Now people need you to complete a mission, contract, or head out on an adventure. The thing is… you don’t know who sent you. Who do you listen to?
• Take three characters from three different stories or books and make them sing Let it be during the zombie apocalypse.
• The Director did not like my performance! Do you want your acting career to go? Get Actors! Read Group Acting Scenes! In The Coffee Shop Click Here To View Video Featured Below!
• You’re walking into town. There are soldiers there, armed and scribbling madly on decrees. You’re to be shot. As they raise their rifles, somehow you can hear the captain say…
• Call a girlfriend/boyfriend you’ve been wanting to talk to and start the conversation by saying something totally inappropriate. Don’t explain why.
• A mother lost her young son in the grocery store and, while looking for him, happened to notice some beauty products being used in some odd way, and she found him.
• Each day we, with the keys in hand, unlock the door to the station marked with the number 18. We look ahead. We see the bare tiled walls. Yet…
• I heard the story about me through my sister. She heard it from her boyfriend who heard it from his cousin who attends the same college as the person who knows a guy who knows the girl who is sleeping with the other girl who is my lover’s girlfriend.
• They call it day, but that’s a misnomer—”night” is so much more fitting. After all, he’s a vampire, and work’s over for the day.
• Your internal monologue asks all the wrong questions and for some reason the internet wants to attack you for trying to make the situation right.
• There’s a higher power of some sort. Kind of divine up there. But this power doesn’t answer anyone’s prayers. Just send down a single strawberry at Christmas time every year. Everyone kills each other at Christmas.
• Everything in the fridge had a face, a personality. A table full of appliances. A family, you used to call it.
• Samantha had always wanted to be a princess. It was just that she didn’t think anyone would want to be a princess in a place where fairies were made of spun sugar and princes were made of peanut butter. It was the day of her thirteenth birthday and she was trying on her whore’s outfit and riding her pony over to her boy toy when the weirdest thing happened.
• The game doesn’t always have to be obvious. Find a way to slip it in without the reader knowing even after they finish. Also note that there is never an incorrect choice, only a misleading one.
• A cold pair of hands touching warm skin, fingernails drawing marks across skin as licks dip into every prey hole.
• I know this wonderful ghost, we’re brothers in all but blood.. we’re in the process of writing a book about him, but when asked who it’s about we pretend it isn’t about the ghost. We have to worry about the serious consequences of being taken seriously.
• You know the old saying “don’t bite the hand that feeds you.” But times get hard and temptation gets the best of us…
• Write something that’s totally normal. Like, a door’s normal, right? What happens when you show me one that isn’t? How about if it’s a ghost door?
• You’re on a train. Everyone is stone faced and silent. You claim you’re on a train in the very distant future, and it’s infrequent.
• Go to the most inconvenient or least visited place in your house. There you will find your cell phone. Pick it up, only to find there’s no charge. What do you do?
• A defense attorney crawls on his hands and knees chained to a small bag of cocaine. He tells the judge he isn’t addicted and has a lot of “will power”. Really, he can quit any time.
• The nagging wife represents nature’s inquisitor, continuing to bore her thesis into the wall until it hits a hollow space, in which it booms and echoes hollowly. For those who want to bore through the wall, they suffer the most, from every other bore in history, who now become the full body of the wall. Those who stand to the side, don’t suffer a thing.
• What if the student could induce creativity/trust or understanding – etc – into the subject that other methods/techniques couldn’t, for drawing, for example. Can this be done with technology?
• All the women in prison can cook but only my sister can make beef stroganoff from the convict’s rectum. Then again, for some reason, it’s the can-opener that they all hate most. And don’t get me started on the giants! They’re huge, all of them, even the women. My sister makes the beef stroganoff…
• These impressions need to be written out, polished, and perfected. They need to be as funny as possible, but also acceptable, given the scenario they are written for.
• Write a letter in the format of someone applying for a job. In the letter, state why you’re applying for the job, and give a brief summary of your past employment experiences. For a twist, apply for an exaggerated or impossible job. For example, Yo Gabba Gabba seeks qualified candidates to climb out of the 2-year old demographic and make a smooth transition into family viewing. Only candidates with four years experience with preschool children or advanced degrees in early childhood appropriate curriculum can apply.
• You had the best shoes in your whole town. No one had better shoes.  And then…you lost them. Gone forever.  What would you do?  How would you feel?
• Pain is a way of warning something is wrong. Pleasure is a trick to persuade you to keep feeding it after it’s over its proper amount.
• Upon being asked, “Is there a reason for this interruption?!” the interviewer responds by saying, “I’ll get back with you.”
• You were just sitting on your hands and they fell off. Nickels and dimes dropped between your fingers as they slipped off your wrists. Your bones were no longer connected to each other and detached from the skin. They were small bits of green gelatinous liquid and knowing as they landed in piles around you. What do you tell your parents at the hospital?
• Write about a mundane day where something strange happens, but it’s so normal that it’s not taken seriously.
• The forehead of a teenager, like a wrinkled, pink, fleshy fruit mysteriously growing on a cereal box.
• This list can be used as a Writing Prompts Life hack or an ice breaker when interacting with others.
• Have a childlike curiosity to find out why things are the way they are. To search for truth. Become a child of philosophy.
• Did mom have a cat? No, she had a raccoon. It was very nice as well.  Routine thundershowers yesterday. Nothing to worry about.
• You should have seen the train traffic coming from the toyland yesterday… boy can they move a lot of toys around!
• Birdsong in the morning would wake me to the most glorious day since God handed the world over to man.
• Chop up sentence structure into a partial nonsense that creates internal rhymes and makes your reader sort the rest out
• We’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here because we’re here.
• Imagine that your whole family was in a plane crash.  You find yourself out on a satellite planet with a bunch of unclothed space pirates.
• People here love it when you underestimate them. They lap it up and feast on it with fervour.  Well, at least most do.
• Mr. Funnybunny writhed in agony as Mr. Crowbar plunged the crowbar into his skull and twisted it round and round. “Your mind has always been the most delicious part of your body,” crowed the crowbar-man. “Now I’ll feast on it.”
• You are shrunken down to the size of and stuffed into a plastic bag and then washed down a sink drain.
• Your grandmother has a rule for everything – and she says you’ve broken them all. You hope that when you tell her you’re pregnant it won’t be the straw that breaks the camel’s back.
• Hum trills in the highest of pitches, screeches in the lowest of tones. Strings shudder, vibrations resonate, pipes shatter as shrill trills and breathy croaks erupt into the air.
• Don’t be afraid of cliché situations. They are work horses and teach you the rules of writing comedy. Overusing them is different from relying on them. They will stick with you in your writing forever and keep you from becoming dry as a desert.
• Close your eyes and put your left hand out. Keep it there. Now put your right hand out. Keep it there too. Now how many hands do you have out?
• Kermit wasn’t real. He was a smoke puppet. There was no him at all. To reveal this would be to rob all Muppets of purpose and existence, including myself.
• I once did a voice for a character on “Death Battle”. The character’s name was “Professor Filip Desmond”.
• Click here to head over to Chapter 1 and try out creating a new chapter.   Let us know how we’re doing!
• You don’t know anything about this. To even mention it will increase tenfold the probability that you’ll be institutionalized.
• Once upon a time there was a woman in a cave. And you just have to read it to find out where she’s at.
• It was the heat of summer, and most days were spent at the Mermaid’s cove or Skinny dipping off the pier.
• You never knew if the werewolf was a slobbering, drooling werewolf or an astronaut werewolf taking some time off from the moon. Please consider sharing this page with others! There’s a lot of readers here.
• They climb up onto the table and balance wires in my face, hoping my brain will accidentally fry itself.
• The top was taken off the mayonnaise jar. The green apple made its home outside the jar, and you ate it.
• The cockroach had a baby. Got nursed in a chest full of snakes. But it was soft. It was warm. It was safe.
• Your enemy moves backward in time and causes events to occur that when in real-time produce a series of unfortunate circumstances for you. The enemy eventually stops interfering with the past and they go about their business, but you must continue to react to set occurrences, any of which may have been the direct or indirect consequences of the enemy’s time-travel tampering.
• There’s a connector in your car. It plugs into your brain. Then, every time you think of a name…that’s the car name.
• The last line is always, “the nerve of that guy!” No one else would dare it. The guy is never convicted. How can they convict a perfectly good man? He had all the best reasons but he lost.
• There is a moment where she’s no longer a figure of curiosity, mystery and enigma, She’s just a girl.
• You walk into a bar, and the bartender says $10 for a scalding drink. It was the last drink you had.
• You were arguing with your friend over the definition of love and you saw a shooting star. You decided it was a sign.
• I could once move a full set of teeth from one part of my body to another, so a) please don’t question my abilities and b) back off a little.
• A marriage in South America is held over the volcano. The participants make vows and pray for their love to never be torn apart by the fiery lava. They marry, although it is just for a taste of the ceremony. They never come close to the volcano. Though this is difficult to understand in modern days, the bride and groom celebrate their “wedding day” for them and not for anyone else. They may not have made friends in the volcano, or made a congregation of others that stood around them at the time they said, “I do.”
• What if your ability to sing didn’t matter. Everyone could see you but no one could hear you.  What would happen?
• You’re one of those guys at the reunion who still talks about your Dad’s truck. What if he never owned a truck? What if he drove a bus, like me? Or a train, like Harry.
• What might you find in a place you would never normally look? Or would you pick a place you’d never look?
• Story By Degrees- Write a story in three episodes beginning at the stage of your life where you left off with the last episode and working forward towards the present.
• Don Quixote wandered the roads searching for adventure… refusing to accept that the world had changed.
• You arrive in a village in a distant place. Prince Charming is gone. No one will tell you why or where to start looking.  They will only tell you it will not be easy to find what you’re looking for.
• A fleeing circus elephant knocks down your door. It takes ten minutes to convince them it’s not a Cirque De Mimes.
• For the bonus points, write from the point of view of someone else, choosing something that didn’t happen, providing it doesn’t hurt anyone.
• Good storytelling is distinct from merely good writers. There are numerous good writers who do not have the storytelling skill. As such, there is no universal method of writing a good story. Reader’s digest suggests that there are some feel-good principles that are helpful in the grand scheme of narration. Keep in mind, these tips are best for non-flash fiction.
• All my characters are named after colors. My best character’s name is red! Everyone fears him, especially the yellow guy, cause he’s got short-term memory loss.
• There was a shadow falling across her, too dark to be any earthly thing, and far too big to be anything of this world.
• You go to knock for “7” and notice that the doorknob is missing. Put the story together from there. Whenever a character is introduced, perhaps they can disappear right before your eyes.
• You met your one true love in the most unlikely of places. Even stranger is the fact that they didn’t mean a thing to you.
• Your mouth was stuffed with cotton candy and you just couldn’t stop eating it until your stomach was stretched to capacity.
• What is that song that gets stuck in your head because you’ve heard it so many times? What did you do to try to get it out?
• Everyone needed a unique talent to display before the king. When it was your turn to perform, you called forth your goat. Everyone gasped in awe as you unleash your goat to roll a most magnificent hoop.
• Your friend in the Humvee deserts your unit for another overnight mission saving his own life leaving you to die. You do.
• She reasoned that if 0.999… is the same as 1, then anytime she said she loved me one-hundred percent, she was leaving me empty.
• Start out with “Once upon a time” and close with “happily ever after”. Change only one word in the story, but you don’t know which one.
• The story until that day hadn’t been unusual in any way. The cat sat on the mat, the sun came up, James arrived at work. But the fact of the matter is… what came after proved to be anything but ordinary.
• Think about an event in your past, or possibly your current life, from a different perspective. The night of the prom, but your prom date was dead and your car was possessed. Therefore, you have become a successful horror writer, still stuck with your prom date who is now a twisted, ghastly ghost that hates your guts. You also just moved in with someone you used to babysit. He’s a nice guy. Get along with your friends. Same name as your prom date.
• Woman about to receive the highest honors awarded by the U.S. president is turned away from the White House.
• What is the deal with people spelling words differently? They’ll write “you” when they mean “u.” It’s enough to make you cry. Write about someone who cries when people spell words wrong.
• You get noticed when you’re happy and your energy radiates goodwill and cheer. You are so amazing when you’re happy- wave the sleep thing off the table right now and get that spirit full on!
• There’s a man who can help you. He can fix anything, make anything better, and won’t charge you more than a fair price. He supports himself by selling fake ‘holy water’, but it works just as well as normal holy water.
• There used to be blood and now there is none. There used to be screams and now there are almost none. There used to be couples getting lucky and now there are no clues.
• Observe your surroundings and then write about them. Maybe what you have to say comes in the way you say it.
• It was a gift. That’s not what name five on the list was. Your little sister’s. Flowers. Better. But… wh-wh-where did you tell you wanted them to go?
• 100 words. A prompt can be a person, an inanimate object, a situation, a dialogue–just present it to your audience.
• And the boss says, “there’s no such thing as authorized overtime. You wanna finish the project? Then you’ll need to steal hours.”
• Write your own story about the world according to snow, either adding onto the story below, or making your own.
• And you wake up in the morning and you look at your arm and it’s- it’s covered in another arm. Oh no.
• One Monday morning, all of them were to run a time trial and then they discovered that their shoes were gone. No one owned up.
• Others can’t read your minds… But you can still communicate with them, even if they normally don’t.
• You are the Queen of Sheba. You’ve sent word to the King of Israel asking him for an honor. What is the honor you’re seeking?
• Someone out there on the highway, a hitcher or a hitchhiker, was in dire need of a lift and a trusty Samaritan gave them one.
• The characters lose their voice. How do they communicate? What do they do? Are they unable to live without voice? Who do they turn to?
• Write something normal, then write something absurd that would happen before or after your normal story.
• Tell the story of a failed attempt at writing an essay, playing a piano concerto or saving the world.
• Be sure to check out the next article in this ongoing writing series where I’ll show you how to outline your short story!
• When you were four, you loved princesses. You loved princesses. When you have a daughter, you will love princesses. When you have a son, you will love princesses.
• Well, Janet got turned to stone, Dorothy got to go home, and Carrie puked up her pig’s blood everywhere.
• What if someone told you to always be honest and you had to tell the absolute truth to everyone you met for the rest of your life?
• What’s Red and White and Blue and Green? A baby that’s been covered in blueberries from head to foot!
• There once was a wise man who said the tree that falls highest in the forest makes the most noise when it hits the ground. He forgot to say anything about the thorny trees. They tend to really hurt when they come crashing down with a fierce velocity.
• When you made the window into the bathroom extraordinarily large. Extraordinarily large. Your window was the biggest of the bunch. That’s why they climbed out the window, right?
• A rich banker lives in a tall apartment building. He hears a gunshot in the adjoining unit and opens the door to find his neighbor slumped over dead in a pool of blood. The detective asks “Do you know anyone who would want him dead?” The banker blurts out “I do! He foreclosed on one of my factories!”
• Write about your best friend or your worst enemy. Then, write some of the same scenes from their point of view.
• You walk into a room and without knowing why, the audience starts clapping. What have you done and what are you wearing?
• Come out from the shadows and shine. There’s a whole neighborhood out there waiting. Don’t be afraid.
• Two brothers we were born, inseparable we were. We did everything together and when dad said “Go cut that wood!” we said “Yes sir! Alright!” without a second thought.
• Maybe you will laugh at these funny statements. Or maybe they will make you think, just a little bit.
• While at the grocery store, you purchase a small child, apples, oranges, a turkey, cigarettes and marshmallows. Why?
• The baby was born just as your parents were buying the area’s first VCR . They named it VideoVCR John Lennon Lennon. Yes, way before iPods, there were just people walking around named John Lennon Lennon.
• If Juan were alive today, he’d probably be running Petrolica. Leave it all behind and that sort of thing. …If Juan had been born at all.
• You know you’ve lived in your house a long time when you look down the hallway and you see the same footprint that has been there since you moved in. And that was three pets and two kids ago!
• Someone from history goes back in time and makes themselves appear as they are now, living the life they have always dreamed of. Who is it?
• Write about how horrible and mundane your life is. Challenge yourself to come up with a positive spin to this.
• When you were younger, cops would drive by and roll down their windows, walking in slow and giving it their best roaring children a Christmas.
• A Blonde kidnapper is running down the street to get away from the police. A girl tells her to hide in her house. The blonde goes inside and the girl locks the door behind her. What happens next?
• You belonged to a group that no one believes exists. If you told a lie, would that belief branch out and spill over onto the rest of the world?
• The team was in the locker room. They were all insisting someone had to shoulder the blame for when they lost this evening. This team was one of the best in college history. No one could ever think that it had been a humiliating defeat that had been at hand. But, it was…
• A vampire is walking around with a lamp looking for the evilest person in the world. They have already visited Mr. Hyde, who was definitely evil. He tried to stab you with a fork but you escaped. You have left the house looking for the next evilest person you can find in the town. It is snowing and very cold.
• Your dog saves your bike from falling off the roof of your car. His intentions bring your family to look at you like you should move somewhere else.
• These are funny story prompts for kids, good family fun, inspirational funny story prompts, and funny story ideas you never thought of.
• You have to laugh, because otherwise you’ll cry. But you’re already crying because of that gorilla pounding your head against the wall through your computer monitor. You’re doing some crying, pounding, laughing, yelling, fighting…all at the same time, so…
• Farmer Akkbar, staring at his newborn calf of rare aqua in color on this day, May 21st, always grew sad each year at the thought of the day ending. Farmer Akkbar, an old man who had farmed long, lonely days himself, took each day personally and developed relationships with each of the days that he grew up with. As a matter of fact, his first memory began by being laid into the arms of his mother by his father as she yawned and gently sung a lullaby.
• Folded paper can only end up a peculiar shape, The shape you were when you first noticed a peculiar feeling.
• You have met all the people who will come to be the most important figures of your lifetime. You haven’t met the last two.
• The most fascinating/weird character in the park is thinking about/preparing for/having/coming back from?
• Write about a random song running through your head. Ensure it is as far from your subject as possible.
• In a Magic Kingdom in America there was a big blue house, the house was so big that it needed the efforts of hundreds of people just to maintain the paint job. Looking back now, it is not as big as it used to be.
• You discover that you have to go randomly murdering someone each day. You can’t stop killing, nor can you tell anyone.
• Receive a letter from someone you don’t know. Try to figure out why they sent it to you. Maybe it’s just to show off how pretty their handwriting is… or maybe there’s a deeper meaning…..
• Tell the story of the first car you ever learned to drive. Tell why it was your favorite car to drive.
• A lesson dealing with uprooting the heartache of physical or emotional death, or relating to death of a person or metaphorically in some way in the story.
• Everyone in public office should be replaced with an emoji. We would see less corruption and more emoticon appeasement.
• If the narrator knew about the mythology of Orpheus and Eurydice, they probably wouldn’t mention them.
• A New York City that never sleeps? A farming village where you dance all day? A knocking shop where prostitutes have active libidos! A battlefield where you’ll face a friend who’s an enemy? A business trip you wished will become a leisure trip. A religious team that does not follow the word of God? A relationship that’s mutually exclusive for partner’s sake. A toast that wanders around…
• After rejecting allTM, your parents become cross because you lied for nothing but a weak lasting punishment.
• The day before yesterday was a holiday. Canceling France’s victory over Russians on the common holiday occasions during French Middle Ages ///OR/// the day after tomorrow
• Standup comedy often requires a jockey premise, with the premise illustrated by some amusing situations. The punchline usually comes at the end, and is often an abrupt realization by the protagonist.
• A chimney sweep had fallen asleep on your fire escape when you woke that evening. It was New Year’s Day, the year was 1953. It was a cold winter night he had spent there…
• Be a good old-fashioned customer service representative and fix your problem by billing it to another department.
• Introduce a random trio of characters and end it with something that sounds like the answer to the question “what did you do while you were there?”
• Talk about very ravenous creatures in a nearby pond. They punch sharks every day. Very powerful ravenous creatures.
• Example A would lead one to hypothesize that B might be horrible. Example B would lead one to hypothesize that C might be horrible.
• A living doll, a “baby” with its arm ripped off, someone’s head in a refrigerator, an overgrown Dachshund, with dreadlocks, spitting into his own mouth, all play pivotal roles in this story of romance and suspense under the bright blue hot Florida skies at a rest stop along I-95, halfway between my hometown and Jacksonville, where lovers go for their final rendezvous before heading, full of hope and promise, into the light of their respective futures and perhaps, oblivion.
• The old lady wanted the house to cost only five dollars, and the realtor wanted to make lots of money, so an agreement was reached…
• When Joseph woke up, he found the necklace gone. “Your brother took it!” said Mary. “That jerk!” said Joseph. “But he’s family…”
• These examples are simple but can be used for creating more complicated and funny stories. Remember to keep it simple because it’s easy to make your story excessively complicated. Yet, try not to bend the truth. We know you could spin a yarn if you wanted to, so keep it real.
• What are some of your favourite topics to get people’s funny bones tickled? Signs, Metaphors, Visuals…
• You’re alone in a bar, with a complete stranger, who strikes up a conversation about your lack of company. What’s the first thing to come out of your mouth?
• Due to the amount of structure involved in this creative writing idea , not everyone will feel comfortable with the prompt.
• The demons on the wall seemed to multiply. Last night you prayed to God they’d leave you alone. Today you told Satan to take care of them for a moment while you finished the yard work.
• Get someone’s name wrong. Accidentally quote someone famous. After telling the story two times, you get to make up your own details.
• The family of four, mother, father, and two children were ideal, eating chocolate together in their kitchen, before the mother of the family screamed “Where did all the chocolate go!?”
• Make one small change that is so absurd and strange that it changes the course of the character’s life.
• Every time they opened drawers they found a pig. As a matter of fact there were meaty clumps of pig bursting into the drawers and everywhere there was snow. It was very cold.
• Robin Hood steals from the rich to give to the poor. Why didn’t he do it my way? Give it back to the rich?
• Tell me. If your hair is pure hemp, and you don’t hurt anyone, would a lawyer really call you a criminal?
• When Aragorn finally grew a beard on his expedition to Mordor, it was a sign that evil was doomed. It was a beard of justice and of revenge. There was much of mankind to free, and many of that man were clean-shaven.
• Begin, or lead-in with the bizarre fact that when you become a man/woman, you don’t get a grown woman/man as your reward, but an immature teenager.
• No matter how many times you ask how to get started with your science fiction work out, your creator insists that you take a swim instead. He also tells you that trees and other plants love moving around and that you should run as fast as possible and plant your feet wherever they’re touching.
• Imagine how weird or strange a setting can be just because of the patrons, employees, or decor of a restaurant.
• There once was a girl called Maya who ate nothing but onions because she wanted to know what chicken tasted like.
• Stephanie wasn’t sure what to do or where to turn. All the answers she always seemed to know were only blurry refractions playing tricks on her in the mirror along with some sort of mistake.
• This comic could be used when a woman is beside someone telling a story in an animated or excited manner. Click on the preview to enlarge.
• When life gives you step-mothers, shuck them and make delicious spicy friendship bracelets or necklaces instead.
• There is always the guy who swam a lot, then ate the oyster. Problem was, it was followed around by the griefer. That guy did everything he could to swim and he could not shake Griefer ..
• Crickets chirped and the fireflies shined. For miles, around the hills, and all up and down the valley, the crickets chirped and the fireflies shined. It was a perfect July night, birds chirping, crickets chirping, and fireflies shining. This was the night Bob set out to kill his wife with a firefly. During the walk to his house he thought, “I can’t bring myself to do this” and he quickly turned around. The following day, Bob caught a firefly. That night, he said to his wife, “This is for you. Happy anniversary.” and released it into the air. This went on for years. Each year Bob caught a firefly and tried to hoist, strangle, poison, electrocute, or drown his wife. He even at times prayed to a god he would not believe in for help and often felt that there was no way he could go through with it again.
• Woke up one morning and picked up the newspaper and the television was obsessed with your funeral. Try to find out which one it was.
• She was tall. Taller than the tallest giraffe. Taller than the tallest tree. Taller than the tallest something.
• I’ve never seen a purple elephant. I’ve never seen a purple elephant. I’ve never. I’ve never. I’ve never seen a purple elephant!
• It’s been days since she completely took control of my thoughts. How can this be? They say the heart was the most important muscle in the body, for some reason mine is in a condition of extreme hunger and fatigue.
• The secret to remembering these stories is how they wrap up. Make sure you make the payoff a solid punchline. It makes the audience feel rewarded for listening.  Just remember this is a storytelling game.  Funny story still counts as a comic book. Allowing the storyteller to improve the ending gives you a bit of a wildcard factor.  Use that to your gamemastering advantage.   What funny story is more outrageous than a time traveling cat? improvise that ending.
• It was just them and they were never sure who did it. Every year they would ask What was that Crusaid we bought last year?, That was good, who would like another one?
• That last question could be anything. Maybe about your pet. Maybe a question about how you felt yesterday, or a memory you have of something that happened to you. Play with it. Have fun. Make up the most absurd thing you can imagine and answer in complete 100% seriousness. Try to answer any and all questions in detail – remember, your grade on the essay is based on both the quality of your grammar/language and your ability to follow the prompt given.
• Haven’t you ever wanted to write a story that threatened people with unpleasant disciplinary action? Here are fifty ways to threaten someone with spanking.
• You stumble upon a druid ceremony while camping and get trapped under a paralyzing spell, then get attacked by a flock of bats.
• Superheroes must adhere to a strict Code. Here is your chance to experiment and write a story using actual coding.
• Papers should be free . Taxes should be illegal . . .crime should be legal because crime doesn’t exist.
• Try using the work of others to write your own. Many books choose your own adventure or comedy like scenarios which can be a fun way to… well… write the proceeding comic.
• Plot a course. Set a goal that seems attainable or achievable. Now go for it! It’s only time, you only live once. So plunge the depths! What would it hurt if you could go through it once? Did you try? Yes? Then, you’re probably more prepared for it than you realize. Besides, the fear and jubilation are on the other side of the wall, waiting for you. Risk anything for the sake of brevity. And get it done.  Write about it.
• Coffee doesn’t break the laws of physics, especially if you decide to do it in reverse. And if that’s a problem for you then we don’t have to be friends.
• The garbage collectors called one night. They insisted you have too much garbage. They wanted it the next day!
• Now known as the “Pear of Anguish,” the Captain’s Harpoon was seen hanging next to the Granite Annihilator, above the Pirates Den at The Burrow on Friday, March 4th, 1865, the day he vanished without a trace.
• She talks with a southern accent even though she’s from the north. Someone’s been putting microchips in her diet coke!
• You start using a word, then suddenly realise it won’t fit into the sentence and just stand there staring – dopey.
• Remember that old computer game? Harvest Moon?  Yeah. You have that. You will always have it. Make it work for you. Till it hurts.
• The story of a tiny character in a big world. Who could be more opposite to someone than a micro-size specimen?
• Did you ever see history portrayed as an old man with a wise brow and pulseless heart, and experiencing the coolest of all cool reveries? Now, it is satire.
• You approach a bar with the most delicious-looking men…and they greet you dressed in the riot gear and armor of the Societas Quarta Flavium. You cough politely, but nothing happens. So, you roll up your sleeves and prepare to make someone’s day . . .
• this  cheerleader jumped over the school and ended up in Africa… the moral of this story is don’t do drugs kids…
• He spoke, but his words didn’t match the movement of his mouth, making it impossible to determine what language he was speaking.
• On dogs’ backside are a series of nodes in insurgents to make your dog like some people, your dog might have inadvertently contributed to the act of terrorism.
• What comic superheroes do you know of? All of them? Give me/us the origin story of more unknown/lesser known comic superheroes.
• What is normal to you might not be to someone else. What do you “see” white as? What did you do that no one saw?
• Wendell E Carson, also known as “Close-Up Magic” resides in and hails from Cincinnati, Ohio. A man of many talents, he has many stories for us to read. His story ‘The Tortoise‘ was nominated for the Drabbles4Review prize, and will appear in an upcoming issue of On Spec magazine in Canada. He reminds himself every day not to cut his hair short.
• God was going on vacation, and instead of taking one of His decoys He decided to let you run the universe.
• As a child, your father convinces you to always lie. He knows you can’t always be responsible, or keep up with the truths, and he needs you to always be honest with him. Sometimes, at night, when kids your age are playing or hanging out around you, their parents ask if you’re staying over for the night.
• Twins! Aren’t they great?! At least they are when they don’t share the same name and the name shows up in each story.
• Say someone is doing a very mundane task that they hate, and introduce a monarchy. Make this kingdom be a parody of how alive most modern monarchic dynasties are.
• Open with an apocalyptic scenario. What’s happening when you kick off the story? If you begin just after the problem, it’s not exciting enough. Make it seem like the end of the world.
• The descriptions of your friends’ eyes were very interesting and specific. And important, which is why you’re now in your third story about this.
• A steamroller, musical, cannibal family who all happen to speak with an English accent and still live in an attic together. And they invite a lonely, depressed, depressed God. Who continues to repeat his story titles over and over again.
• Somewhere in a desolate place an old man and old woman bury a black box in a shallow grave in the sand.
• God was telling a story. He told you to do something really important. He forgot to give you the punchline.
• Write with a sleight of word or an easily skimmed over detail that may have a whole other deeper layer of meaning underneath.
• Introduce a story as if it happened to your roommate’s best friend last week  –  with a lot of detail.
• There was a point in history where everything made perfect sense. Somehow, for some inexplicable reason, it’s all become totally insignificant.
• A family of monks have lived inside a sequoia for generations. When they were discovered by loggers, the monks, with no other option, moved to their spacious concrete bunker in an undisclosed location under Northern California.
• To begin, compose humorous poems, form words into sudden verses and lines. Inspired writing catches the reader by surprise! Read examples of funny poems.
• The best lie is not the one that hurts another person. The best lie is one that helps another person.
• The mouse took the mocha and scurried out of the cafe as quickly as his little feet would take him… stolen.
• There was a board game. Takes place in a hospital. You had internal injuries. Everything about you was in authentic order. Life was merely a mimicry of reality.
• A story that starts off normally enough but quickly changes into something strange because the reader was not paying close enough attention to what was going on around them.
• So to use this list of funny story ideas, you can either use them as starting points for your own stories or you can copy out the story starters below and then map out your own stories. Young people should definitely incorporate these writing exercises into their writing schedules. Folks who have never written before will find that these funny story ideas will fire their imagination. Warning. Writing is addictive. Instead of looking at these story starters an hour later, you will have written your own funny stories and found out why they are so much fun to discover.
• There was this kid during elementary school who tried to trade the life of another student for an ice-cream…
• Your town resides in the shadow of the next town over. Is there exposition? Is there conflict? Either would make a nice short story.
• If you happen to walk into your house and your mother is wearing your underwear, don’t panic. If this happens approximately every day, consider yourself adopted.
• Your favorite vampire. Why is he or she your favorite? How will you make your vampire a character to adore?
• A lost and found ticket somehow made it into the umbrella you are taking home from the airport. What is on it?
• Find the comic in your everyday life, it doesn’t matter if it doesn’t look funny to others. Focus on it to ring the comic’s innermost bell.
• A long time ago, when on vacation and staying with his grandparents, a young boy sees something that no child should see.
• A bunch of flowers grow around the wall of a castle. The flowers are beautiful and smell great. Sensing a growing threat, the flowers burst through the wall.
• Bob Rader never liked school. He always got sick a day or two before exams.  It happened so many times his mom got a letter from the principal saying that Bob didn’t do his homework because he was superb at coughing up a lung.
• Bring a character from another media to your story and do your best to fit him or her into the story.
• Love is wanting what’s best for the other person. Love is wanting the other person to live a life without regret. Love is wanting to give… not just take. Love is like Michael Jackson’s music. Love is when you apologise and the person you’re apologising to tells you it’s OK – because they know you’re really sorry. Love is…
• It was midnight in Allentown and all the creatures were stirring from their slumber and Frankie Gorshin cackled, “The clown you hate is heeeeeeeee!”
• Introducing a new flavor of potato chips forces everyone to reexamine the relationship between your brand audience and your primary offering.
• This two-sided coin of consciousness – an absurdity reflected in a mirror – forms itself into fractured magnificence.
• A sentient corporate entity who is unhappy with some policy or other attempts to negotiate a favorable change, only to gain more than he expected.
• If you wanted something you waited until Christmas. If you wanted money to buy something you saved until you could pay for it.
• Personality tests? Of course you took them. What? What did you think? That everybody ‘just knew’ who you were?
• There once was a man who lived downstream from a bar. Every night, as he slept peacefully in his bed, he kept dreaming about the things that other people had left behind.
• Two shopkeepers, identical. They’ve been doing business together for a long time, but now they hate each other.
• Two old ladies, one old man and a group of rebellious penguins decide to take a flight to the Arctic.
• A man and a woman were getting married and the man asked his wife to pick a color for the leaves to be at the wedding that was to be in May. And the wife said, “I don’t care, you pick.” And the new groom said, “Then they’ll be green.”
• Go back to about three years ago. Talk about a few painful events that have hurt your life. Then, set up the time machine. Go back and have a messy breakup before the relationship begins.
• Amelie didn’t eat raw worms and she wasn’t a libertine but she had a pretty big world, especially for one so very tiny.
• You’re in a race against three others. They bother you for answers as you frantically solve math problems and the littlest she asks “why does Dad let you play video games all summer?” How do you respond to her?
• The additional dialog and explanations for the oddly out of place duck in this short story are surely what make it so absurd. The irony, humor and unexpected events or plot twists in stories are what leave you laughing. Take a look at how many funny speech topics you can think of by delving into the worlds of fiction. The first world of funny writing is the story , another is the article , and third is the joke .
• All cops are penguins. Take a short file of dialogue or a monologue and change it just enough so that the reader never “skims” it.
• You’re running from the mob… time is short. You enter the bank, shake the terrified teller and shout, “Fill the bag, FAST!” but the teller looks at you with a blank stare. “Tell me that you believe in the 50 cent pizza slice!” you implore him. “I do?” he responds quizzically. The barrel of a gun touches your temple. You start to lose faith in God. Zen masters may say that faith in God is illogical and blind. Has this monk transcended politics and realized war must be won on Capitol Hill? Does this mean that the sacral koan will be mathematically solved? Wait! You step past the threshold of normal execution and realize the somewhat warm red velour interior. Promising lad!
• Prince Charming crashed your party. In a bad way. He got punched in the face by your Fairy Godmother for being a leecher and a retard, and because your Fairy Godmother hates him.
• Part of the refrigerator door wouldn’t shut all the way, and so, when it opened and closed one day it briskly slapped a chipmunk….. right on the back of it’s head… Check this out for some other story writing prompts
• You wake up in the morning and open your curtains, and see a volcano in your front yard. Just sitting there, calm as day.
• Don’t be afraid if the first draft makes no sense whatsoever. If it makes sense, great! If it doesn’t, you know that you’re on the right track.
• When God separated East from West, allowing humanity access to distant lands, the exploration that took place at the end of the fourteenth century was a once in a lifetime chance to find the “Lost Continent.”
• It becomes a one-way ticket back to Africa. For whatever reason, your character feels compelled to return to their birthplace. What stopped them? How?
• The Bastille Day parade starts. You are surprised because you are only expecting the stroke of midnight.
• Write the instructions, dialogue, and stage direction in the form of a monologue or interior monologue.
• Now that you’re married you’re like his wife. You love him despite his character flaws. Until he has a lesbian affair with the neighbor you geht along well. It’s fun. Oh, isn’t she so nice…Wait, she looks familiar…
• An author writes a steamy novel and makes it into the present-day New York Best Sellers list. While reading this novel, readers become overly aroused and, Pollyanna like, go around kissing complete strangers.
• You’ve got to really love the person you’re taking to. After all, it’s going to be the best time she’s ever had.
• When the author was a child he lost his first tooth, and when no one came to pick it up he grew a new one.
• Blow your mind, let your imagination run free, fill your mind with silly thoughts. Your fantasy might just be a silly one, but at least it’s creative.
• You’re reading and while you are reading hot steam rises from a tall cup of coffee. You look down and notice that you’ve also read a page with a giant coffee stain. You turn back to the page you were reading, drink some coffee from that cup and return to your book.
• Your story is not a happy story. You’re writing the story of your life – it’s happy until now. It’s time to go deeper.
• Tell about discovering an ancient farm in your living room that is inhabited by tiny octopi. Look, one just scurried across the back of my neck. Tsk. And it just left a spot of octopus slime.
• And so, you ended up walking through the woods until you became lost for 12 years, but it doesn’t matter, you survive. Is it possible that this is the happiest story of all time?
• Think of the most popular global retail corporation and then write a story about them without using the company’s name.
• What’s in my hand? Could you guess? Let me show you that…ok, ok…I’ll hand it over. It’s in fact, a purple snake.
• You’re stuck in a building with three other strangers, and there’s no  way out. Give us a play by   play and a thrilling bit of dialogue!
• Unfortunately, such easy steps will leave you with four unfinished, unappreciated stories, and maybe you’ll still have the “writer’s block.” What do you do, then?
• I had a dog named Toothpaste and it was my best friend. When Toothpaste died my parents got me a new dog… it was orange.
• Pretend you are a magician along the lines of Harry Potter or Aladdin . Designing magic will work to solve your problem.
• To get over a hurdle, you had to devise an elaborate and complicated system of pulleys, ropes, insulators, and a pony.
• Tell a story in the second person, meaning, you write as though you are not present, using both “you” and “I.”
• 1.  Your first memory is of walking out of your house from behind as a child looking over your shoulder at…
• As you are walking up to a house knocks on the door and realizes they are not at their own home and guess what? They don’t have a home anymore. Where did they go? Who are they? WHY?
• There once was a man from Racine. Who invented a bacon tree. Made of acacia and hazelwood. Then you were encouraged to eat nuts from it.
• In this land of orcs, hobbits, and ogres, one accomplished warrior must stand alone. What happens next?
• A man who decided to make a bath as hot as the steamy clouds of a close gives the crops a good soaking right before harvest time. As he wanders aimlessly, he comes across men on horseback who tell of a perception he has. His teeth are dripping with saliva. He’s so angry.
• You write a story about one of the teachers or faculty members and make them seem like the sanest person on earth, or you show them all going crazy.
• But my kind of green. Not that money green. The kind that popped out of nowhere no matter what season you consider it green in. You know. The color of sponges…
• Write from the detached perspective of an observer who is simply relating a bizarre story without judgment.
• After landing on a particular Farmville building, the Indian man gets trapped in the attic and jumps out to eat Reese’s Pieces.
• This story does not have a protagonist, which is absolutely necessary. Most stories have several, if not many.
• A sentient video game character receives a copy of your manuscript and wants to know if he or she made the right buy.
• There are so many different and unique causes the school board needed a new word to describe all these everyday miracles. They decided on – Every Occurrence.
• Your teeth were perfect, white, straight, even, and very white. Your dentist even said so himself. But when you laughed, the whiteness of your teeth made the people laugh. Not with you, but at you, which lead to their teeth not being as white as yours.
• My boss told me that my son can never let it lie. Then he added that if he doesn’t he should never work for me.
• You had been waiting for the bus for twenty minutes. That’s no small task when there’s wheezing and coughing from a bus exhaust.
• Your sister was stolen by a stranger when she was two. You were babysitting at the time and got a brief glimpse of his face. You’ve grown up with his face in your head and he looks like… Not someone you should confront.
• Don’t just write your Silly Story. Give it some character. Anything along the lines of gifs, memes, dance moves, objects. Draw, sketch, or paint your Silly Story.
• In a world where no one believes in absolutes, what can absolute fanatics shine as bright beacons? White on a white background?
• No matter how much he tried, the door would not budge. It was stuck. Stuck like glue. Even more stuck than that.
• The trees sighed in the morning. Life lived amongst a busy, urban street could make anyone sleepy. Today was no different.
• You don’t need to know how and when and why things happened and who was involved. Don’t fill in the blanks. Just tell it like it happened, starting with this sentence.
• You left for vacation with a paper due. Before you set out on your trip, your brother told you  that he had an extra copy of your paper. You don’t remember whose paper it was exactly, but you’re certain it’s a good one. It’s full of academic jargon and footnotes and looks like your professor’s thrown up everywhere. You are determined to distract him with words and numbers so that he goes away. Why don’t you call your paper “You are the Fanciest of Fruit,” He deserves this.
• As two people watched she blew three wishes into the sky.  He wished for more wishes. The stranger coveted the first man.
• “The shoes were shiny black pump heels. It took him four tries to get dressed. Shoes first, then socks. He tried entirely too hard in simple activities.
• I would think it would be lonely at the top, to which the reply was, “well look who’s not worried if you liked it!”
• A sheep, a goat and a cow had a party. They invited some other animals. One chick, a dog, and a bird. They ate ice cream, shared cake and played games until their stomachs were full. They felt like their lives were complete. They were happy. They loved to just smile and laugh and have fun. They felt like everything was lovely. They all slept like they were on a big pillow with full bellies for the rest of the night. And in the morning they talked about what a happy night they all had.
• I know that this event isn’t actually going to occur, but it’s a fun idea. Be completely serious in telling the story, no matter how ridiculous it appears.
• One day, out for a picnic lunch, a father notices his son standing next to a small stream, throwing stones into the water.
• If one attempts to discuss a paradox or act in dissent, the word one is always, definitely going to be used. The stronger one makes his point, the less effective his dissent is going to be. If one kicks the proverbial hornets nest, one shall become endlessly debating with genuinely authoritative individuals.
• This has a tongue-in-cheek-ness that runs through the entirety of the book. The narrator’s mood changes frequently, often without warning.
• This is not a collection of horror, though my heart flinches to call it funny. It’s more a place in which you might laugh yourself sick, or even, perhaps, a little, too horrified, too afraid to ever shower the experience off or leave what you have read behind. It’s a sick world, but you know that already, don’t you?
• We are audiences for each other. It is a mystery…There is still so much to know about ourselves and each other.
• You have to make a photocopy of them, but you forgot your photocopier code. What are you going to do?
• A woman hires someone to punch her in the face until she falls in love with him. Are the punches worth it?
• Talk about someone who is completely everyday. No one would know he or she was special.– Submitted by Diana Wentworth
• A lightning strike killed him. Well, no, it was actually the whole “thunder” part. He fell on his coffee table trying to run away from the room.
• The want just sat down for a moment, and oh, yes, it stood up again. It moved much slower now, but it did stand up again.
• There’s always trouble at the tippy top. It seems the higher you climb, the more treacherous it gets. This is especially true when a queen has taken over a white cottage.
• Your incurable disease is morphing into something you actually sort of look forward to, but won’t admit it to your sister.
• You are wearing the nicest shirt in the world. Everyone notices it. Who cares, right? No one? Sigh…
• They buried me in a cheap pine box. face up, so my friends and family wouldn’t miss my resting face.
• With your gaze, pretend to have deep connections to people and things around you. To forget to blink and suddenly appear severe. Then fake-blink and break from your seriousness.
• Rolling on the floor laughing in the bathtub is the best feeling I’ve ever had scores of times and thousands of times.
• Give two lines. The audience reads them. Then you give one line. The audience reads them. How does it make a difference?
• Write about two survivors waiting to be rescued by a spaceship on a distant planet and all the legal battles they have to go through.
• If you told a secret four times it no longer belonged to you. By the same token, no one had better tell your secret.
• A man on a fire escape is funny the first time you see it, every time you see it after that is less and less funny.
• The bus comes just after the Police Station. And just as it should it is yellow. It is full of prisoners.
• Two guys walk into a bar, one orders a beer and the other orders a drink – neither tell the bartender what they want.
• Tell a story in first person plural. You and Gillian the Rodeo dancer, the Devil and Charles Manson at a well blow in a bar.
• The coldest eyes can be disguised in friendly faces, but when you know that tongue, you know the true feelings they hold.
• Got any ideas for funny story prompts you and your friends can work on? Post your ideas in the comments below!
• You leave the grocery store and step into your office. No, you didn’t fall asleep. You’re everybody’s boss and in the grocery store, everyone wants you to be their boss.
• Your last diary entry might have been a bit too horrifying. How can you explain that to your readers?
• You initiate your foible and employ your folly against him in tandem with your underhanded tactics to develop a trend as a result of the near relationship.
• He was short, with sharp aggressive features. His hair was grey with purple highlights that reminded him of his mom’s panties.  He wore greasy mechanic’s clothes. They had tape on the elbows and a hole on the knees. His smile was sharp and he wore faded blue jeans.
• The mother was worried the bunny was cold because when she went out this morning his fur was wet so she dried it with a hairdryer. Now the bunny has pneumonia and that is why he is ill.
• Write about what you know. Write about your life. Write about your imaginary world. Write about your friends. Write about advice to your younger self. Write about your life as a feral child. Write about the future. Write about your past. Write about what you ate for breakfast. Write about writing.
• You get the idea. Have fun creating your own short story writing prompts! Writing short stories is a fun and exciting way to stretch your writing skills and get into doing something other than writing long, lengthy fiction that goes on and on and on. In addition to enjoying the process of writing an entirely short story, you will also get a nice little epiphany and new ways of looking at things when you are finished with one of these short writing pieces. An entire short story that doesn’t go on forever sequence happens to be a wonderful writer’s confidence booster! Enjoy and have fun writing short stories.
• The Moon was in the Seventh house. Jupiter aligned with Mars. All looked good for a wonderful day. Until…
• Years later, in high school, you went to some sort of reunion. Everyone looked the same, but you were the only one who looked different. How.
• Tell your top 10 secrets about yourself. This is a different genre but this is where you get to really set up your protagonist or antagonist but you want us to fall in love with them so you tell us secrets.
• Make New York City’s Times Square the edge of the universe, and write about life crawling towards there.
• I have an Uncle from India, who learned to do magic and illusion from his Indian Guru uncle, only to develop his own special, original style of magic and illusion, and outdo his own teacher.  It is simpler than it sounds.
• People expect the unexpected so be perverse and make them think you’re going to argue a point only to contradict yourself, go off at a tangent or state the opposite.
• I would go to Las Vegas for a year’s supply of chocolate. A chocolate fountain. Chocolate cravings. Chocolate chills. Chocoholic. Chocolate heaven.
• Upon waking up, you look over at  the man lying in the bed beside you. You scream.  Scream loudly and violently. You never noticed it before, but he has three eyes and enhanced upper lip folds that are so pronounced he could freight train an elephant.
• Looking into a crystal ball, your future is unknown. Your glowing aura is astounding. It comes on slowly, but you can feel yourself transform.  This happens roughly 6 times a day, and lasts roughly 30 minutes.
• An addict steals. An out of work stripper makes men fall in love with her. A wife cannot reach her husband. A man tries to find the cure to lead poisoning. A mime gets the best of a tourist on the subwoofer ferry in Dunkirk France.
• We can program computers or how about we’re so simple to program it makes sense for us to just be the computer?
• The boy went to the kitchen and started making hot chocolate, when suddenly… he felt the eyes of the house staring at him. He had a malignant presence of felicity.
• Aku was born unaware of what he was…he was totally clueless to what awaited him in the near future. In fact, he was even clueless to what lurked in the present. Every day that followed brought the young man closer to his fate, his destiny. After all, the Earth Kingdom needed a king to rule over its citizens, and Aku was it.
• There was once a wise man who laughed when he was born, sneezed when he was taken from his mother, cursed when he was given his first name, drowned when he was baptized, and awoke alive when he was buried.
• First, save all your money for a long time and then buy a huge M&M dispenser that looks like a cash register. Put a big bowl of candy on it. Let the whole world know you have it. Every day collect a dollar in the bowl. On a day a month, you can buy your favorite candy and eat as much as you want.
• A great way to present these techniques is to invite students to write simple, funny, perfectly normal… stories. Work with as many students as possible. Give all students a different prompt. They are to respond by writing a 200 word story on their own computer or laptop.
• There once was a midget who dreamed of a comeback, but it never came. He ended up choking on his own stuffing.
• Wake up flailing like an octopus, screaming  like a hyena, and roll down the stairs like a bowl of jelly.
• You hate to see a grown person cry. This friend of mine had been upset for the longest time—not a tissue in earshot.
• So Johnny gets himself the smallest poodle he can find. He feeds him ferociously for ten years and makes him the tiniest, yet proudest and puffed up dog anyone has ever seen. Ten years later Johnny has a hurricane in his backyard and his little poodle blows away.
• What if you were in the mafia and no one knew about it but you. You’d tell everyone you’re a whistleblower and everyone believes you and you end up living happily ever after because the mafia takes pity on you.
• Write a book review. From the point of view of someone who has never really read books before, but knows how to balance a checkbook. Someone who had to split a number 73.09difully into three equal coupons. Just do it.
• Everything you’ve ever wanted, everything you’ve ever done in your entire life, is for the purpose of finding him. Her. It. The thing. You don’t know what you’re looking for. You want it very badly.
• There was too much singing in the land. The women began to scream for the men to camp out. One man, The Little Boy the singing wouldn’t.
• The funniest story to tell is almost always based on yourself or those we love. Based on Novelty, Surprise, and Incongruity. It means the unexpected and goes above and beyond expectation. By telling a far-fetched story, you make your listener almost believe what you’re saying is really true.
• I have a window in my house. It’s not very big. It’s not very special. It doesn’t have a sill, but it lets the outside in. Even when it’s in the rain, it lets the outside come in.
• If you were given no obvious books as a present, what literary and philosophical ideas would be present in your current go-to book for entertainment?
• Go back into this moment before it happened. And stop yourself from doing whatever you should not have done, but would have done. Now do that thing you should have done and perhaps didn’t and experience how things could have been.
• Then one person volunteers to stand behind the blindfolded person and lead them to the door, around the fireplace and down to the boot.
• Their house, a plantation / Country house, belonged to her family for so many, many years/decades / ages.
• Without warning, baby calves were eating fruits and vegetables out of your hand. You were high off of the fumes of baby cows inhaling all the legal highs of the western world there ever were.
• A humorous approach on a normal everyday day needs to schedule your weekly boring task. Life, as we know it is regulated and controlled by events that are equally as mundane, but seemingly boring. As a result it is key to know how to look at the world and find something goofy in the simplest of things, in order to create either humour or comedy. Work is definitely not exempted from this. Schedule Week is here to show you an exemplary method of taking a dull and boring subject to begin with, and revamping it by exaggerating it to the point where readers start laughing uproariously. Someone at work was incompetent and got the constructive feedback they needed.
• Imagine it’s the end of your life and reincarnation was shortly available. What would you say to God/the Devil when your case is made?
• But you didn’t see that third pedestrian in the crosswalk. You never look. You are angry that everyone thinks you are Russian gangster, when all that you have ever been is a college graduate, and that’s not so menacing, is it?
• There was an outrageous amount of crime happening. An exaggerated amount of crime. Non-believers doubted this. They made it fake news and covered it up as much as they could.
• There are exactly three toilets in this household, one in the upstairs bathroom on NW corner, one in the downstairs bathroom, left of the door, and the other in the garage.
• Next when you are in the shower, start to have this huge vision/experience. The kind that incorporates seeing, hearing, over-all body sensations all at once.
• Direct the response to a sudden twitch in your body that you are unaware of and which seems horribly unflattering to everyone except you.
• There’s a big difference between small town gossip and big city gossip. Big city gossip comes on softly. Small town gossip can wake you from a deep sleep.
• The List is a very simple story building method. You have a number of objects, animals, characters…etc and you put them in no particular order.
• It’s best to play it on the safe side when writing a humor story. Animals and children are funny. Spouses can be funny. Frustrated businessman can be funny. A kick in the pants is funny if it’s well placed. Police officers haven’t had many great roles in literature, but they could also make a great comedy.
• Drama. Iphigenia leaves Agamemnon to marry Achilles for fear of prophecy, then her father spots her.
• A man gets into a time machine to see his life as a toddler again, but he can’t get past the 1970s. Frustrated he jumps out of the time machine and whacks his head hard on the ground.  Now that he thinks about it, his life is pretty sad. He heads back into the time machine where he meets his toddler self.
• My grandmother told me to stop being so lazy. She told me to get off of that couch and stop spending my 20s on the internet. She told me that you can’t find happiness behind the glow of a computer screen. What? Since when? A 65-year-old-maiden telling us young people to get their faces out of their monitors… You have to love that.
• Four of the ten commandments will send you to heaven and four will send you down below. Aside from not murdering anyone, which ones are they?
• Time marched forward in its relentless infinite. Everyone it touched aged, died, and became someone’s memory to be cherished or hated, feared or longed for. Some of us fell out of time. What can we do?
• The frenemies. However close two people seem to be, one of them always secretly despises the other one.
• “Let me show you how to make the waffles that John makes. With him you have to get everything just right or else you’re in big trouble. So…”
• Sweet and innocent. So innocent you don’t understand that the old man is hitting on you and you are taking it.
• Snapdragon is a flower that should be used more often in stories especially when it refers to someone who is too fat.
• You’re walking along, casually, and you step on an electrical transformer, ending you in one lightning-explosion.
• This would mean some of the steps in these writing processes will have to be tweaked, changed and deleted to fit this type of writing form.
• There were two red headed boys walking in a park, and one did something that made his head turn bright red.
• You are a significant historical figure for no other reason than living in the same time as another significant historical figure. Anyone want peanuts?
• A secret code, a silly memory, an unexplained feeling of wanting to bolt, a suspicion is born. Claiming to be savvy, write a heartfelt account of this suspicion and all the silly little coincidences that surround it.
• Wrong. Whatever wound up in your lawn was synthetic. It’s tough keeping up with the neighbors. Tough on your lawn. Tough on the environment. A little sanity here please…
• A coliseum over a candy factory is converted into a cathedral over a bomb factory, forcing many humans to move while wolves eat puppies to get their greasy coliseum-candy fix.
• Have you ever noticed how no one ever takes the time to ask the simple questions? We could all improve ourselves greatly by just taking time to ask the simple questions.
• This is the opening sentence from one of the original Sherlock Holmes short-stories. You probably recognised it… Now, extend it.
• 3. Consider recompense techniques. Teenagers are accustomed to getting what they want, when they want it. They want the iPod? Tell them there are two conditions, a gift for mom and a gift for the little brother. They want $4 of allowance? $4 of  laundry and $4 of help cleaning.
• The boy kissed the frog, because she was enchanted… Because only the kisses of a prince would have been able to revive her and break the spell. What happened next was downright distasteful.
• People. Lots and lots of people, crammed tightly together, packed into a small house, with no windows…. and then they woke up. Tell it from the point of view of someone who has no idea what they’re doing.
• There once was a man who wanted to cross a river. The current was swift, the water deep. In a split second, he lost everything before he even had a chance to think to second what was happening.
• Never take candy from a stranger.  Especially if it is red and white striped and has a white fluffy tip.
• There are lights on the Christmas tree. Romantic interludes taking place. Aphrodite watched Aphrodite. The playful waves pull the hair in the wind. The stars glisten deep in the firmament. There is but one that twinkles.
• Use explosive words. Don’t worry about being controversial, or even realistic. Follow your heart and spin a good yarn.  What would happen if?
• It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a really huge and expensive diamond ring. The same held true for a young man in possession of five very large and very expensive rings…
• At the stroke of midnight, all of your vending machine change became painfully  brightly colorful pieces of paper currency.

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Each year, your character's family goes on the most exotic vacations. Finally they discover why — their family are assassins.

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The best funny writing prompts

Is there anything more inherently human than the desire to laugh? If you agree, and you’ve got a knack for storytelling, you might be looking to test your skills by writing funny short stories. However, while we all enjoy a good chuckle, getting others to laugh through the written word is a lot easier said than done. While spoken comedy like stand-up depends on timing and delivery, written humor deploys the punchline very differently.

A big part of that challenge to be funny is finding the right premise to get started. Are you writing a sitcom or rom com, where the situation is relatively mundane, and the humor is found within the characters or narrator making jokes? Or are you writing a story where the setting, plot, or premise is in itself the joke? Luckily, pondering the question “how to write humor?” has brought you here — to our creative writing prompts directory full of funny short story prompts, ideas for comical situations, and dialogue starters.

While humor can be injected into your writing in many different ways — metaphor, repetition, misdirection, irony, etc. — here are a few of the different types of humor you funny-boned authors might want to employ:

• Satire — pokes fun at contemporary political, social, or other topical issues.
• Farce — often used in theatre, presents a highly improbable plot that centers around eccentric and exaggerated events and characters.
• Screwball — much like farce, it presents exaggerated situations, but is often used in romantic comedies.
• Parody — imitates the style of other genres to poke fun at them.
• Irony — presents a comedic gap between reality and expectations.
• Dark — pokes fun at a topic that is typically considered taboo.

To get your funny story started, here are our top ten funny writing prompts:

• A parent is trying to explain something to their child, who just isn’t getting it.
• You’ve been thinking about moving back home for awhile. As you’re wondering whether or not to do it, your parents show up at your door, asking if they can stay with you.
• You were ready to write the worst Amazon review ever.
• You just finished ranting about your boss, only to be informed by a coworker that your boss was standing right behind you.
• Write a story infused with dark humor.
• Write a humorous story about the descendant of someone remembered for an insignificant act.
• They said it wasn’t a contest, but you’re still determined to win.
• The shopping bag ripped and all its contents tumbled to the ground. For you, this was the last straw.
• One of your friends is terrible at everything, but have always been convinced they're extremely talented. Today's the day they find out the hard truth.
• Write a story about a group of people who meet every month to air out their mistakes.

If you’re looking to write funny writing prompts, whether for stage and screen, or in the form of a novel or short story, here are some more resources with handy tips:

• How to Write Believable Dialogue that Develops Plot and Character (free course)  — It’s not easy to write witty dialogue, especially when you want it to ring true and be believable. 
• How to Develop Characters (free course)  — The key to a great comedy is having characters your readers love, or love to hate. You need to get to know them, beyond a simple “they’re funny”! That’s where our course in character development comes in handy.

Want more help learning how to write a comedic short story? Check out How to Write a Short Story That Gets Published  — a free, ten day course guiding you through the process of short story writing by Laura Mae Isaacman, a full-time editor who runs a book editing company in Brooklyn.

Ready to start writing? Check out Reedsy’s weekly short story contest , for the chance of winning $250 , plus potential publication in our literary magazine, Prompted ! You can also check out our list of writing contests  or our directory of literary magazines  for more opportunities to submit your story.

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Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays

Glossary of Grammatical and Rhetorical Terms

• An Introduction to Punctuation
• Ph.D., Rhetoric and English, University of Georgia
• M.A., Modern English and American Literature, University of Leicester
• B.A., English, State University of New York

A humorous essay is a type of personal  or familiar essay that has the primary aim of amusing readers rather than informing or persuading them. Also called a comic essay or light essay .

Humorous essays often rely on narration and description as dominant rhetorical and  organizational strategies .

Notable writers of humorous essays in English include Dave Barry, Max Beerbohm, Robert Benchley, Ian Frazier, Garrison Keillor, Stephen Leacock, Fran Lebowitz, Dorothy Parker, David Sedaris, James Thurber, Mark Twain, and E.B. White—among countless others. (Many of these comic writers are represented in our collection of  Classic British and American Essays and Speeches .)

Observations

• "What makes the humorous essay different from other forms of essay writing is . . . well . . . it's the humor. There must be something in it that prompts the readers to smile, chuckle, guffaw, or choke on their own laughter. In addition to organizing your material, you must search out the fun in your topic." (Gene Perret, Damn! That's Funny!: Writing Humor You Can Sell . Quill Driver Books, 2005)
• "On the basis of a long view of the history of the humorous essay , one could, if reducing the form to its essentials, say that while it can be aphoristic , quick, and witty, it more often harks back to the 17th-century character 's slower, fuller descriptions of eccentricities and foibles—sometimes another's, sometimes the essayist 's, but usually both." (Ned Stuckey-French, "Humorous Essay." Encyclopedia of the Essay , ed. by Tracy Chevalier. Fitzroy Dearborn Publishers, 1997)
• "Because of fewer constraints, humorous essays allow for genuine feelings of joy, anger, sorrow and delight to be expressed. In short, in Western literature the humorous essay is by and large the most ingenious type of literary essay. Every person who writes humorous essays, in addition to having a lively writing style , must first possess a unique understanding that comes from observing life." (Lin Yutang, "On Humour," 1932. Joseph C. Sample, "Contextualizing Lin Yutang's Essay 'On Humour': Introduction and Translation." Humour in Chinese Life and Letters , ed. by J.M. Davis and J. Chey. Hong Kong University Press, 2011)
• Three Quick Tips for Composing a Humorous Essay 1. You need a story, not just jokes. If your goal is to write compelling nonfiction , the story must always come first—what is it you are meaning to show us, and why should the reader care? It is when the humor takes a backseat to the story being told that the humorous essay is most effective and the finest writing is done. 2. The humorous essay is no place to be mean or spiteful. You can probably skewer a politician or personal injury lawyer with abandon, but you should be gentle when mocking the common man. If you seem mean-spirited, if you take cheap shots, we aren't so willing to laugh. 3. The funniest people don't guffaw at their own jokes or wave big "look at how funny I am" banners over their heads. Nothing kills a joke more than the joke teller slamming a bony elbow into your ribs, winking, and shouting, 'Was that funny, or what?' Subtlety is your most effective tool. (Dinty W. Moore, Crafting the Personal Essay: A Guide for Writing and Publishing Creative Nonfiction . Writer's Digest Books, 2010)
• Finding a Title for a Humorous Essay "Whenever I've written, say, a humorous essay (or what I think passes as a humorous essay), and I can't come up with any title at all that seems to fit the piece, it usually means the piece hasn't really congealed as it should have. The more I unsuccessfully cast about for a title that speaks to the point of the piece, the more I realize that maybe, just maybe, the piece doesn't have a single, clear point. Maybe it's grown too diffuse, or it rambles around over too much ground. What did I think was so funny in the first place?" (Robert Masello, Robert's Rules of Writing . Writer's Digest Books, 2005)
• Examples of Great Introductory Paragraphs
• What Is Composition? Definition, Types, and Examples
• Mark Twain: His Life and His Humor
• Definition and Examples of Anticlimax in Rhetoric
• Definition and Examples of Narratives in Writing
• Using Flashback in Writing
• What Does It Mean to Be a Writer?
• Definition and Examples of the New Rhetorics
• Yes, There Are Chemistry Jokes and They Are Funny
• Third-Person Point of View
• Premise Definition and Examples in Arguments
• Tips for Writing a "What I Did on Vacation" Essay
• Dealing With a Class Clown
• Definition of Belles-Lettres in English Grammer
• UC Essay Examples for the Personal Insight Questions

Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Comedic writing is hard to master, but understanding types of comedy, what makes a funny story work, the visceral ‘huh’ and more will help you connect with your readers’ funny bones.

• Post author By Jordan
• 2 Comments on Comedic writing: How to write a funny story

Funny, comedic writing is hard. Senses of humor vary in what people find amusing. Read a guide to how to write a funny story. Explore types of humor and comedy genres, humor writing tips from stand-up and comedy icons, and examples of different types of comedy writing. Bear in mind that these funny ideas and elements can be incorporated into just about any genre as well. The funniest writing comes from universal experiences that we are all familiar with. 

14 types of comedy

One of the challenges of comedic writing is that there are so many distinct types of humor. Read a quick breakdown of fourteen types:

• Jokes are short stories or one-liners that consist of a setup and a punchline. For instance, ‘My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo’ ( via Bored Panda ).
• Situational comedy or sitcom is a type of humor that draws laughter from funny and absurd situations (e.g. farce which often features ludicrously absurd situations). Michael Frayn’s play Noises Off (1982), in which a technical rehearsal for a play keeps going wrong, sending its director into a rage, is a great example.
• Romantic comedy or romcom is a comic movie (or book) that finds humor in the development of a romantic relationship. When Harry Met Sally (1989), starring Meg Ryan and Billy Crystal, is a genre-defining romcom.
• Dark comedy , also known as black comedy, is humor that finds the funny side in darker or more tragic subject matter. Caimh McDonnell’s A Man with One of Those Faces (2016) combines crime, murder and comedy.
• Cringe comedy is a type of humor that derives its laughter from awkward characters and situations, guilty pleasure, and personal distress. It falls under dry humor. Larry David’s HBO show, Curb Your Enthusiasm , is a peak example of this.
• Satire is a type of comedy that uses humor, irony, and exaggeration to expose society’s stupidity, bigotry, or other vices. Viet Thanh Nguyen’s The Sympathizer is an example that uses humor to satirize but also indict the Vietnam War.
• Parody is the imitation of a writer’s style or genre with intentional exaggeration for comic effect. Tim Burton’s alien invasion spoof, Mars Attacks! , and Henry N. Beard and Douglas C. Kenney’s Bored of the Rings , which satirizes Tolkien’s epic fantasy cycle, are examples of this.
• Self-deprecating humor is when a comedic writer pokes fun at themselves. For example, they might use embarrassing experiences as material. David Sedaris’ comedic memoir/essays often find humor in his OCD, embarrassing childhood stories, and other self-deprecating subjects.
• Insult comedy is humor based on true, painful, or exaggerated observations about others. The comedy roast is a perfect example of this. Jeff Ross’ roast of Bruce Willis showcases this type of humor [warning: Strong language].
• Physical comedy is humor that uses the body, techniques such as mime or clowning for laughs. The films of Charlie Chaplin that use slapstick are an example.
• Surreal comedy is humor that uses absurdism or dream-like logic for laughs, such as Monty Python’s ‘dead parrot’ sketch .
• Wordplay plays with language, such as a pun or double entendre . Ex: Mae West’s quip: ‘I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.’
• Blue humor is adult, often provocative, sexual or deliberately in bad taste. For example, Mae West’s bawdier inversion of a popular saying, ‘A hard man is good to find.’
• Anti-humor uses bathos or anticlimax . The expected punchline is replaced with something simple, unfunny, or painfully obvious. The so-called ‘dad joke’ is an example – ‘A man walks into a bar … ouch.’

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Comedy genres in literature

What are the main comedy genres in books?

Satirical or political comedy

Think of Joseph Heller’s 1961 satirical anti-war novel Catch-22 . It follows anti-hero Captain John Yossarian and examines the absurdity of war and military life:

What is a country? A country is a piece of land surrounded on all sides by boundaries, usually unnatural. Englishmen are dying for England, Americans are dying for America, Germans are dying for Germany, Russians are dying for Russia. There are now fifty or sixty countries fighting in this war. Surely so many countries can’t all be worth dying for. Joseph Heller, Catch-22.

Comic essays and memoir

Comedic essays and memoir remain popular. Geoff Dyer is an example of an author in this category, having authored books such as Out of Sheer Rage : Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence , about all the ways the author avoided writing a book about the writer D.H. Lawrence. It is part- catalogue of procrastination, part-travelogue:

London is the worst. Lawrence realised this in 1916: London was ‘so foul’, he reckoned, that ‘one would die in it in a fortnight’. Since then it’s got even worse. Now it’s the world capital of flu. The sky in London drizzles flu, it rains flu. People from all over the world go there and get flu. Whether they come to see the changing of the guard, or to take ecstasy at raves, they all end up getting flu. Geoff Dyer, Out of Sheer Rage: Wrestling with D.H. Lawrence .

Some non-fiction writers are just naturally funny, such as Bill Bryson and David Sedaris. Here the comedy is in the writing. Let’s look at an example from Bryson’s The Road to Little Dribbling: 

One of the things that happens when you get older is that you discover lots of new ways to hurt yourself. Recently, in France, I was hit square on the head by an automatic parking barrier, something I don’t think I could have managed in my younger, more alert years. There are really only two ways to get hit on the head by a parking barrier. One is to stand underneath a raised barrier and purposely allow it to fall on you. That is the easy way, obviously. The other method – and this is where a little diminished mental capacity can go a long way – is to forget the barrier you have just seen rise, step into the space it has vacated and stand with lips pursed while considering your next move, and then be taken completely by surprise as it slams down on your head like a sledgehammer on a spike. That is the method I went for.

Comic genre spoof and parody

Many funny books spoof a genre and its silliness, clichés, habits.

In Bored of the Rings , Frito (Frodo’s namesake) wonders whether he could just throw the One Ring down a storm drain and be done with it.

Comic fantasy is one type of genre hybrid that often uses parody. Sir Terry Pratchett is widely considered the master in how he lampoons elements of the fantasy tradition, such as outlandish worldbuilding elements, fantasy races, and plot tropes.

The humor category on Amazon shows just how eclectic comedy is in its inspirations and niches. From ‘Business & Professional’ through ‘Cooking’ to ‘Urban Legends’.

Many of the current humor bestsellers (as of March 2023) have some kind of censored curse word in the title (contemporary comedy often falls back on the un subtle art of not giving a f**k).

How to write a funny story: From comical concepts to comedy gold

As the types of comedy writing outlined above remind us, comedic writing runs from the deliberately lame to the edgy and risqué.

Read tips on how to write a funny story with ideas from of comedic writing in English in books, film and TV.

For a story to be funny, the concept must first hold enough potential for comedy.

Repetition and suspense are common ingredients of funny writing (and dramatic irony).

Zhubin Parang (producer and writer on The Daily Show ) says ‘the visceral ‘huh?’ is a key comedy element.

How and why do your favorite comedy books, TV shows and films make you laugh? Take notes.

A shtick is a comic routine, style of performance or gimmick (e.g. Diane Morgan’s shtick pretending to be an uninformed, idiotic interviewer).

In comedic writing, producing more material than required lets you choose the best jokes.

Browse through comedy titles for ideas (such as David Sedaris’ Me Talk Pretty One Day or the Tolkien spoof Bored of the Rings ).

There’s that saying ‘brevity is the soul of wit’. Don’t make the path to the punchline too convoluted or meandering ( unless that in itself is the joke ).

Let’s expand on the comedic writing tips above.

Start with a funny concept

Just as a magical fantasy story starts with a fantastical concept, a laugh-out-loud story starts with a funny concept.

Scott Dikkers, founder and longest-serving editor-in-chief of the satirical news site The Onion , wrote a series of guides to comedic writing.

On comedy concepts, Dikkers says:

When you write humor, the core concept you’re writing about has to be funny. The core concept is, in fact, the most important part of your writing […] You need to be able to express your concept in a single line or sentence, with as few words as possible. Scott Dikkers, How to Write Funny: Your serious, step-by-step blueprint for creating incredibly, irresistibly, successfully hilarious writing , location 162.

How can you find a funny concept?

There are many ways to develop a comedy idea:

• Draw from life. What’s an absurd or funny-in-hindsight situation or experience that’s left you in stitches?
• Go where there’s feeling. What drives you nuts? What has always struck you as ridiculous, ludicrous, bizarre, infuriating? Many comedic writers turn bugbears and pet peeves into comedy routines. See Diane Morgan, ‘Boys are Always Popular when they’re Murdered’ , for example. Or Hannibal Buress on why jaywalking is a ‘fantasy crime’ .
• Read humor and drama. The wider the web of your inspiration, the more sources to draw on and the wider your field of reference.
• Play with comedy subtext. Comedy has subtext. For example, ‘getting’ a joke such as that Bored Panda joke about the grandfather who has the heart of a lion (and a lifetime ban from the zoo) requires us to understand the subtext (that ‘to have the heart of’ something has figurative and literal meanings). What laugh-bringing realization will your next funny line hinge on?
• Brainstorm funny ‘what if’ scenarios. What if a man tried to return a dead parrot to a pet shop (as in Monty Python), for example. What if absolutely everything at a funeral went wrong (to hilarious effect)?

Additionally, try writing your comedy concept as a single line as Dikkers advises. If you must explain the concept in paragraphs, it may be too convoluted.

Another important note to consider is that sometimes funny stories or anecdotes are funnier than actual jokes. See how you can incorporate these funny stories into your writing.

Joan Rivers, on channeling strong feelings into comedy:

Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I’m unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I’m angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I’m very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something. Joan Rivers, interviewed by The Jewish Chronicle, October 29 2010.

Comedy writing exercises

To find a funny story idea, try this exercise by humorist Donna Cavanagh:

Write down memories of past embarrassing moments and see if you can turn mortification into mirth. Donna Cavanagh, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans , 2016, Location 415.

Another exercise to find a funny story idea: Write down three things you find funny. Imagine a scenario involving who, what, why, where and when for each. Try to write a funny story idea as one sentence.

Example: 1. Funny orchestra mishaps [ Ed’s note: Funny incidents such as a brass player sneezing into their trombone ]. 2. Awkward situations that just get worse. 3. Human foibles.

Scenario sentence: A trombone player who’s allergic to dust is called upon to play in a historical building last swept in 1983 and the concert is a series of mishaps culminating in him sneezing into his trombone in the slow movement.

Develop comedic repetition and suspense

A lot of the success in comedic writing for stage or film lies in comedic timing. What are two kinds of timing in humor writing, two building blocks of funny stories? Comedic repetition and suspense.

Repetition in comedic writing

Repetition at its simplest level is like the ‘knock-knock’ joke’s structure of call and response: ‘Knock-knock… who’s there?’.

In comedic writing, elements that add hilarity through repetition include:

• Characters’ catchphrases, tics, and quirks. The way Elmer Fudd’s difficulty saying ‘r’ in Looney Tunes, for example, makes it funny when he starts ranting about Bugs Bunny and ‘wascally wabbits’.
• Repetition with surprise or comical circularity. For example, in the cult TV series Twin Peaks , James asks Donna, who’s visiting him in the sheriff’s holding cells, “When did you start smokin’?” when she lights up a cigarette. Donna replies, “I smoke every once in a while. Helps relieve tension.” James asks, “When did you get so tense?” to which Donna replies, “When I started smoking.”
• Running jokes and gags. Popular in humor writing for TV series in particular, running jokes ( such as Buster Bluth’s extra-mural lessons that haven’t taught him much at all in Arrested Development ) get finessed and added to with repetition, brought up and revisited in new contexts in a way that adds to their hilarity.
• Recurring theme. For example in the 1990s/early 2000s sitcom Frasier , it’s clear to us, and the rest of the cast, that Frasier’s brother, Nyles, is smitten with Daphne. But Daphne remains unaware of this, and this theme runs throughout the series until – spoiler alert! – Daphne and Nyles finally get it together.

Suspense and nervous laughter

Comedic writing shares something in common with mystery/thriller writing: The build up of anticipation, or suspense .

Campy slasher films, a sort of comedy-horror genre, often make audiences laugh. It’s the nervous laughter that ensues when characters make foolish choices that make viewers want to yell at the screen (‘Don’t go into that creepy house!). ‘Person makes stupid choice’ is an endless fount of comedy ideas.

Suspense in comedy builds from waiting for the punchline or left turn, the outcome of that choice.

If suspense in dramatic writing means anticipating the bad, in comedy, it’s anticipating the hilariously or embarrassingly bad (for example, waiting for parents’ reaction to their new son-in-law accidentally breaking a beloved relative’s urn in Meet the Fockers ).

Observe and embrace absurdity

Comedic writing draws on observing – recognizing – the absurdity of everyday life.

It may be the Sisyphean (a task that can never be completed) aspect of work or relationships, for example.

In an existential comedy scenario , a chef perhaps keeps getting a meal sent back to the kitchen by a fussy table with exceptionally petty demands, until she explodes in a comical or cringeworthy way.

Many jokes in stand-up and other forms of comedy writing have become clichéd (such as jokes about airline food being terrible) because they repeat what we know to be true. Fresh humor, by contrast, often makes the familiar experience or scenario (e.g. ‘meeting the parents’) seem newly absurd.

Often in comedic writing, there’s a thin line between pain and laughter. The schadenfreude or voyeuristic pleasure of others’ misfortunes becomes funny because its relatable. We feel the pain of the kid bowled over by the Labrador on the beach. Tweet This

Ed ‘s note: A friend would tell the funny story of going to an ice cream shop where a very disinterested shop worker leant on the counter, chewing gum. “You want a cone or a cup?” she muttered, after he’d made his choices of flavors. “Cup, please,” he said. She paused, chewed a bit. “Don’t have.”

Bizarre and absurd situations are goldmines for existential and other types of comedy showcasing human foibles, miscommunications and vices. Tweet This

Comedy writer and producer Zhubin Parang speaks of the ‘visceral ‘huh?” moment – ‘situations that don’t go the way they should, or people who respond to an event or idea in a different way than they should’, as in the ice cream shop example above.

This is something to mine for funny writing ideas .

Take notes on comedy books and shows

🗣️ What are your favorite funny books and TV shows?

Tell us your recommendations in the comments. You can learn a lot from comedy shows and stand-up comedy you enjoy about comic writing devices such as setup and punchline, or the unexpected turn. Tell us a funny anecdote. 

Comedic writing exercise: The anatomy of laughter

Take a piece of funny writing or a stand up segment and ask the following questions:

• What devices is the writer using for humorous effect? Is there wit and wordplay? Satire? Clever repetition? Irony?
• How does the writer use language to comedic effect? Is there a mix of high and low (e.g. formal and slang) language? Do they curse? Is there exaggeration or understatement?
• What part of the story or script did you find funniest? Why? Was it an unexpected word, phrase, outcome, revelation? An everyday object or experience the comic reframed in a new light?

Explore funny shticks

The word ‘shtick’ means ‘a gimmick, comic routine, style of performance, etc. associated with a particular person’ ( Oxford Languages ). It is of Yiddish origin, from the German word for ‘piece’, st ü ck .

In comedic writing, creating a character with a shtick supplies a range of scenarios to fill with funny material.

In the series Cunk on Earth , for example, Diane Morgan’s shtick is the setup that she’s an uninformed interviewer narrating a historical documentary about human history – art, culture, religion, conflict.

Her fictional character, Philomena Cunk, asks Oxford and Cambridge professors questions such as, ‘When the Egyptians built the pyramids, did they start at the top or the bottom?’

There are several funny aspects to the character that make up the shtick, including:

• Random anecdotes she throws in about ‘my mate Paul’ who gets into all kinds of tricky situations
• Deliberate mispronunciations (such as pronouncing ‘The Bible’ as ‘The Bibble’ or the ‘Soviet Union’ as the ‘Soviet Onion’)
• Responding with slang and ‘low register’ to academic interviewees who use much more formal language (e.g. ‘Yer jokin’!’ or ‘Are you havin’ a laugh?)
• Running bits/gags (every episode references and plays a segment of Belgian producers Technotronic’s song ‘Pump Up the Jam’, with funny and nonsense text overlays stating random or made-up facts)

Think of one of your favorite comical characters from fiction. What sayings, habits, physical gestures, and other quirks make up their ‘shtick’? Think of Douglas Adams’ aliens, who torture humans with their terrible poetry.

Talking of characterization, remember that even humor writing has to have realistic characters. TV sitcoms often have really silly characters, too silly to be believable. Think of the 1980s sitcom, The Golden Girls, for example. Rose Nylund (played by Betty White) is the daffy one, rather too gullible and naïve, which played into the humor of the show. While popular with audiences, her characters borders on being on the wrong side of believable. 

Write surplus comedy material

A good piece of advice on how to write a funny story Dikkers gives in his comedy manuals is this: Write more material than you need.

Just as stand-up comedians don’t share the jokes that don’t make it on stage, comedic writers – whether writing fiction or screenplays – don’t share the pages that didn’t make it to the final draft or production. Tweet This

Blooper reels are extra.

The benefits of brainstorming and churning out ideas , multiple options, are:

• Digging deeper than the ‘easy’ laughs. Churning out lines gets the obvious ideas out the way. Comedian and actress Wanda Sykes shared with Kevin Hart in a podcast that her audience expects more than the easy, obvious joke (and that bringing her self – her politics – to her comedy helped her create funnier, more original material)
• Surplus comedic material to select the funniest jokes. Zhubin Parang, who was head writer for Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Trevor Noah , says, ‘You always need to tighten, tighten, tighten. Every first draft has way too many words, extra thoughts or side ideas.’ Writing extra material gives this tightening process more material to work with

Hint it’s funny from the title

Think of titles of comedic fiction and non-fiction, such as:

• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
• Wishful Drinking by Carrie Fisher
• A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again by David Foster Wallace
• Sombrero Fallout by Richard Brautigan

These are titles with wordplay (e.g. Fisher’s play on the phrase ‘wishful thinking’), absurd humor (the idea of a hitchhiking guide to a place so gargantuan), droll and random humor.

Your title is an opportunity to both signal that your book is a work of humor writing, and to signal its contents (e.g. Fisher’s memoir hinting at the memoir’s one subject of substance addiction).

Make it accessible and easy to read

Finally, effective comedic writing doesn’t need ‘thee’ and ‘thou’ and highfalutin’ convolution. (Unless it’s the Ben Elton -penned sitcom about Shakespeare and his trials and frustrations, Upstart Crow ).

There is an accessibility of style often to comedic writing. We mostly get the joke (without excessive explanation). Except in a brand of ‘random’ humor that relies more on a ‘visceral huh’ than ‘setup’ and ‘punchline’.

Mostly, style services the humor. Savage, biting satire is concise and punchy. Screwball and madcap comedy goes off the rails more.

In the Irish comedy series Derry Girls , there’s a wordy uncle named Colm who drives everyone mad with his long-winded, meandering storytelling .

This ‘shtick’ recurs as a plot device (the group of school friends who are the main characters use him to get out of being arrested for trespassing, for example).

The humor here is in how inaccessible, uninteresting, and infuriatingly boring Colm’s stories are. It’s a good reminder that there’s always an exception to the rule. However, the situational humor when characters are stuck with Colm is easy to read – the absurdity of getting trapped in a conversation you don’t want to have is a relatable, comedic situation.

Think how you can slip one-liners into your story. Even if a story is serious and gritty, you can lighten up the tone by inserting humorous bits and pieces in a story. Clever wordplay and puns can add humor to your writing. Look for opportunities to play with language, incorporate double meanings, or create humorous juxtapositions of words.

What is your style of humor in your every day life? Use your natural sense of humor. Think how you can inject that into your own writing.

🗣️ What’s a funny book or show you found relatable and why? Tell us in the comments

Join Now Novel for writing feedback on your next humor piece, writing webinars, story outlining tools and more.

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Related Posts:

• How do you write a story using three-act structure?
• How to write the middle of a story: 9 tips
• How do you write a dystopian story? 5 tips

Jordan is a writer, editor, community manager and product developer. He received his BA Honours in English Literature and his undergraduate in English Literature and Music from the University of Cape Town.

2 replies on “Comedic writing: How to write a funny story”

This was so fun! I especially enjoyed “highfalutin’ convolution” 😁 Here’s one of my favorites: “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!” ― Mitch Hedberg

Haha, I love that, Margriet. Thanks for sharing.

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Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing)

Whether it’s a novel, a short story , or a blog post, a dash of humor can be a game-changer. But crafting comedy isn’t one-size-fits-all. From witty one-liners to playful satire, the spectrum of humor is vast. Remember, what has one person in stitches might leave another scratching their head. So, know your audience, and then dive into these techniques to pepper your prose with chuckles.

Various Forms of Humorous Writing

Last but not least, we have satire, which makes fun of people or ideas by using exaggeration, ridicule, or parody. When done right, satire pokes holes in some hot arguments and brings attention to societal issues . Controversial politicians and other celebrities are often subjected to satire by comedians.

Use Them Wisely!

All four forms of funny business we discussed can enhance your writing if used carefully. Keep in mind though that overdoing any of these methods may result in wasted time, so choose your chuckles wisely! Try using irony or sarcasm in situations where it would be unexpected but still make sense within the story’s context. Or play around with word choice by making absurd comparisons or substitutions (like referring to a very tall and lanky character as “beanpole”). If done well, humorous writing can enhance your readers’ experience. Just don’t overdo it or force the jokes to the point that it doesn’t appear natural in the piece itself. Often, a little goes a long way!

How to Write Humorously

Humor is a great way to hook readers, and have them coming back for more. Our inherent desire to laugh motivates us to share funny YouTube videos and respond to text messages with iconic smiley faces. Many people choose to get their daily news with a touch of comedy from outlets like “The Daily Show,” “The Colbert Report” or “ The Onion “. This is to show that we would rather laugh than sit and wallow in sadness. Humorous writing is not limited to comic strips, as it also benefits any form of conversational or narrative compositions, such as short stories, articles, books, and essays. By the way, don’t forget to proofread your work for spelling and grammar mistakes.

Elements of Hum or in Writing

Who doesn’t enjoy some dark humor from time to time? Have you noticed that even in movies of the horror genre , filmmakers try to inject a little humor now and then? This is known as comedic relief and it makes movies more enjoyable. But before you start cracking jokes, there are a few elements you should know about using humor in your writing:

One of the most important elements of humor is timing and delivering the punchline at the right moment. Knowing when to deliver a joke is crucial, and if you do it too soon or too late, the effect will be lost.

2. Relevance

3. comical value.

Finally, make sure that your jokes land. There’s nothing worse than an attempted bit of wit that falls flat. If you keep these elements in mind, you’re well on your way to adding some hilarity to your writing. So go forth and entertain us all. If you want to add humor to your writing, timing is everything! Make sure your jokes are relevant and land – otherwise, you’ll just end up looking like a fool.

Why Incorporate a Bit of Humor Into Your Next Piece?

1. brainstorm ideas with friends or fellow writers, 2. pay attention to timing and delivery, faqs on humorous writing, 1. how do you write a funny poem.

There is no one way to write a funny poem, but you can try these tips:

2. How do you come up with a funny story?

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Writing a Funny Narrative Essay

How to write a funny narrative essay.

We all like a great story – whether it’s a book we read, a movie we see, or a friend or relative recalling some memorable event. And if that story is especially funny, scary, exciting, or poignant, we stay interested as it is being told. As a student, you will have many opportunities to write narrative essays – in almost every English class you take from 9 th grade forward, all the way through college and for admissions and scholarship requirements. In any of these instances, especially when you have a choice of topics, a great way to capture the attention of your reader is to write a funny narrative essay. Most students will write serious narratives, unless they have prompts that force them to do otherwise, so your funny narrative will be welcome relief to readers, even college admissions decision makers!

Defining the Narrative

The most common belief about a narrative essay is that it tells a story, and this is absolutely true. When you write one, you are going to put a slice of your life “out there” for the reader to see. So, several narrative essay writing prompts would be as follows:

• Your most frightening experience
• The happiest moment in your life thus far
• The best vacation you ever took
• The most embarrassing moment you have had
• An event that changed your life
• An experience that forced you to question a basic belief or value
• An experience in which you had a leadership role

Narrative essays are meant to reveal something about you. Given this additional part of the definition, the narrative essay may not necessarily tell a full story but may, instead, demonstrate how you feel or might act. For example, here are some prompts that might also be considered correct for a narrative essay:

• If I had to evacuate my home in 5 minutes, what would I grab?
• Who are three of my heroes?
• Something I need or want that has not yet been invented.
• A secret talent I have that no one knows about.
• A secret adventure I want to have.
• If I could be someone else for a day, who would I choose?
• If I won the lottery, here’s what I would do.
• If I would spend one day with someone who is dead, who would that be?

These essay prompts will not lead you into actually telling a story with a plot. They will provide the reader a glimpse into who you are, what you consider important, and what some of your dreams may be. And in this respect they are considered personal narratives.

Writing the Narrative Essay that has Much More than a Grade at Stake

The personal narrative essay for college admissions or for a scholarship competition is a pretty important piece of writing. It may be the final determining factor in a choice between you and another candidate for admission to the college you really want to attend. It may mean money that will mean you can actually go to college or that at least will reduce the amount of money you may have to borrow to do so. With so much riding on these essays, you absolutely have to get them right.

Of course, you understand the importance of having a perfectly composed piece of writing – great grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, along with a really engaging introduction that intrigues your reader immediately. But also critically important will be the topic you choose from among the prompt and how you decide to “treat” that topic. That is why applicants may need assistance of cheap custom writing services .

Most students spend a good amount of time weighing the essay prompts and ultimately choosing one that they feel will reveal really important and exceptional things about themselves. Some students choose college admission essay services to assign such an important task. And this is as it should be. Then they set about to write a very serious essay – one that they believe will keep the reader interested throughout. And thousands of very serious essays result in admissions and scholarship awards because they do just that.

Buy essay writing online and save your time!

Finding Humor in the Serious

It is perfectly okay to think “outside the box” and to treat a serious topic with humor, if you can do it well. Suppose, for example, that you have selected an essay prompt that has asked you to recall a time when you had to use critical thinking and problem-solving skills and to describe the process you went through to solve a problem. A winning essay on this topic was written by a candidate for admissions to an Ivy League school. Not only was she admitted (of course she met the other qualifications), but her essay received acclaim and has been published all over the web. Her story? How she used critical thinking and problem-solving skills to kill a fly that had been annoying her all day! The essay was hysterically funny and yet demonstrated her thought processes quite well. Other funny narrative essay topics on this topic could be the following:

• How you found your car in a parking garage when you had no idea on what level you had parked.
• How you managed to feed yourself for a week with only $10.00 in your pocket.

Finding a funny narrative essay within the stack of all of the serious ones causes a reader to take notice, to appreciate the “comic relief” and makes you essay much more memorable. Spend some time thinking over those essay prompts you are given. Come up with narrative essay topic ideas that are unique and humorous – you’ll have fun writing them!

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Andy Preisler

I’m Andy Preisler, and I’m super happy to be joining the blog team at GrabMyEssay.com!

While I hail from Fayetteville, Arkansas (I know, not the most progressive state!), I left the Southern life behind me many years ago when I went to college for my first degree. I’ve received it in University of Arkansas, Fayetteville and I’m really proud of this. Since then, I have studied in the U.S., and later on, continued my education in Loughborough University, UK, where I actually my second Bachelor’s Degree along the way.

With my perpetual studies (my parents wonder if it will ever stop), I have become a bit of an expert on college life – academic, social, and financial – and love sharing my experiences and my methods of “circumventing the system” with others.  I will be sharing all of these great tips and strategies with my readers, so stay tuned!

When I am not blogging or enrolling in some new course that interests me, I am backpacking through Europe and staying in hostels, working on my second novel (a riveting murder mystery), and pursuing my interest in music. Yes, I travel with my guitar, and you would be amazed at the amount of cash I can accumulate, just performing on the streets of European cities (they are so much more tolerant of vagabond musicians). 

My other passion is environmental. In my short 27 years of life on this planet, I have witnessed the extinction of species, the destruction of rain forests, and irreparable harm to our oceans. I contribute both time and money to several international environmental organizations, because we all must do our part to save Mother Earth.

But I digress! If you are interested in the “ins and outs” of college life, and want some great tales of navigating through the game of “degree attainment,” as well as tips for easing the pain of those pesky essay and paper assignments, follow my blog!

I would love to hear from you, to give you advice, and to lend a listening ear. You can contact me at  [email protected]  anytime! And follow my posts – you won’t be disappointed!

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• Boring Essays? Change up Your Transition Words and Phrases for Essays!
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• How To Write A Personal Narrative Essay For College
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• Narrative Essay Vs Descriptive Essay
• The Autobiographical Narrative Essay
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Secondary Classrooms Bring Humor to Your Class With These Entertaining Texts

Ellie Viggiani

These nine funny and satirical stories are sure to amuse your students!

Humor is a powerful literary tool that conveys important messages about life. Reading funny or satirical stories is a great way to make your students laugh and think critically at the same time!

Here is a great selection of texts from CommonLit that will amuse your students while also pushing them to engage in deep textual analysis.

“ Dragon, Dragon ” by John Gardner (6th Grade)

In this comical short story, three sons try to slay a dragon. The first two young men are overconfident and do not take their father’s advice seriously. They fail and are gobbled up by the dragon. The third son listens closely to his father and slays the dragon, saving the kingdom. Students can use this story to discuss how the author uses humor to convey an important message about hubris and wisdom.

“ Southpaw ” by Judith Viorst (6th Grade)

This unique short story follows the correspondence between two ex-friends during baseball season. Janet is furious that Richard refused to let her play on the baseball team because she is a girl. Throughout the season, their interactions become increasingly hostile and ridiculous. Eventually, Janet successfully negotiates positions for herself and other girls on the team. This text will make your students chuckle and also prompt them to reflect on gender equality.

“ Seventh Grade ” by Gary Soto (6th Grade)

This hilarious story perfectly captures the feeling of a first crush. Victor is starting seventh grade and is determined to get Teresa to notice him. He attempts to impress Teresa in French class by speaking fake French. Later, though, things get complicated when Teresa asks Victor to tutor her. This sweet text will resonate with middle school students who are navigating the sometimes awkward parts of growing up.

“ The Night the Ghost Got In ” by James Thurber (6th Grade)

In this amusing short story, a boy believes he hears a ghost walking around the house. The boy’s mother also hears footsteps, which she assumes are burglars. The misunderstanding spirals out of control and ends up involving the entire family, neighbors, and the police. This text provides a great opportunity for students to analyze how the author uses humor to convey an important life lesson.

“ Us and Them ” by David Sedaris (7th Grade)

In this essay, David is surprised to learn that his neighbors, the Tomkeys, do not have a TV in their house. Curious, David spies on his “unusual” neighbors, judging their strange ways. Over the course of the story, David’s feelings and actions become more exaggeratedly selfish and judgemental. This text will make your students laugh out loud but also reflect on how judging brings out the worst in people.

“ The Three Century Woman ” by Richard Peck (7th Grade)

In this lighthearted story, Megan’s Great-grandma has lived during three centuries, and a cast of reporters are dying to interview her. When the reporters seem disinterested about Great-grandma’s present life, she tells them wild, made-up stories about scary disasters in the past. Your seventh graders will completely relate when Great-grandma says that being a teenager was actually the scariest time of her life!

“ They’re Made Out of Meat ” by Terry Bisson (8th Grade)

In this wacky short story, two aliens abduct humans from Earth. The aliens are shocked that the humans are entirely made out of meat, which they consider a primitive life form. They decide that despite the humans’ accomplishments, “meat” is not worth their time and they will explore other parts of the universe for more sophisticated life instead. Have students dig into this story to analyze how the author uses humor to convey an important message about prejudice and assumptions.

“ The Nose ” by Nikolai Gogol (9th Grade)

In this short story, Major Kovaloff is known for chasing women and climbing the social ladder. Much to his surprise, he wakes up one morning to find that his nose has disappeared! The absence of his nose causes Kovaloff great distress, but when his nose returns, he goes back to his old ways. This classic short story provides students with a great opportunity to analyze how the author uses satire to critique vanity.

“ A Modest Proposal ” by Jonathan Swift (12th Grade)

In this well-known satire, Jonathan Swift proposes an outrageous solution designed to highlight the government and upper class’s lack of concern for people living in poverty. Swift suggests that impoverished Irish parents should sell their children to be eaten by wealthy English landowners. He goes on to detail the social and economic benefits of this unconventional transaction. This classic text provides students with a great opportunity to analyze how an author’s tone helps convey their message.

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Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts

• By Amanda in Lesson Ideas , Reading Comprehension , Writing

Seriously – stories both you and your students will laugh out loud reading. Humor varies from person to person, so I have two very different essays in the hopes that you and your students will at least be able to connect to one.

To make sure this is actually useful for everyone, I’m only including essays that, at the time of posting this, are available for free online. And I’ll include a little bit about what I focus on with each to give you a jumping-off point.

To be honest, I’m posting this today as a bit of a reminder for myself that school can be fun and funny. Another pandemic year is underway. It won’t be easy, but maybe a little bit of humor can help us through it.

What to do with said hilarious short stories and essays? I tend to work with students who struggle with reading and writing. Most of my classes are remediation ELA where I have two goals: help them pass the state test and help them learn to love reading again. The humor helps get them through to the practice state test questions I have to give them. I know, I know. Teaching to the test. I hate it, too. But here we are and I know I’m not alone. The least I can do is give them engaging material. And maybe, even with the test questions after, they can rediscover how fun (and funny) stories can be.

A Super-Classy Gentleman’s Guide to Being a Classy Fellow by Paul Feig

Recognize the name? He’s been directing and writing some of my favorites for decades: Freaks and Geeks , Bridesmaids , and the 2016 version of Ghostbusters . His essay reminds me of Freaks and Geeks , one of my favorite shows when I was in high school. It’s a personal essay about how he took a chance on one of the most popular girls at school and succeeded in landing his first kiss – but then swiftly did something mortifying that ruined any future kisses from said popular girl. Ouch. Click HERE to read his cringe-worthy essay.

• short personal essay
• well-written and relatable
• low lexile but high engagement
• he uses the word “boner” three times (know your audience and district if you use this)

What to do with it

State testing questions, of course. Booooo. Yup. Agreed. I only give half-a-dozen multiple choice questions that are heavily modeled after the PA Keystones test they’ll soon be taking.

Now for the fun part: have your students use this as a model for their own personal essays. Point out some of Feig’s style techniques and have your students practice similar paragraphs or entire essays. Maybe they don’t want to write about their most embarrassing love-life experiences. Understandable. But there’s a solid paragraph here (or three) where Feig is unsure about something and he sprinkles in questions he’s asking himself as he weighs his options. Give students a prompt about an important decision they had to make (or unimportant like what to eat for lunch) and challenge them to match his humor with their internal questions peppered in the paragraph(s).

Big Boy by David Sedaris

Please note that I will NEVER talk about funny authors without including David Sedaris. So here I am, defiling my nice list of memoir-style narratives with an essay about a giant poop referred to as “big boy,” “the biggest piece of work I’ve ever seen,” “beast,” “monster,” and “man-made object.” In fact, I’m the lowly writer here using the term poop while Sedaris never does in his piece. He’s classy like that. Click HERE to read this fabulously classy piece.

• relatable piece
• extremely funny
• super short
• lots of figurative language
• it’s an essay about poop
• David reading is own work is always preferable since he has killer delivery, but I don’t see this with the same wording anywhere. Not really a con, more of a bummer.

What to do with it?

Definitely dive into all the figurative language he’s woven through the piece. Have the students read only the first few lines about the lovely Easter dinner he’s about to have and then guess what will come next based on the title and mood of the setting. Talk about how ironic the rest of the story is in comparison.

Similar to Feig he includes his thoughts which add to the humor in the piece. Have students describe a seemingly minor problem and then include dramatic thoughts and statements. The climax in this story is impressive given its topic. The reader is practically sweating along with Sedaris even though the actual situation is not life-or-death. Examples of times people get really panicky? In a dressing room with something too tight that may never come off your body without you Hulking out of it. Clothing malfunction like ripped pants or a well-placed stain while you’re at a wedding or some other formal affair. There just needs to be a situation where one person is having a secret melt-down in a very public setting while no one around them notices it.

Me, too! But I’m having the worst time finding anything appropriate and available, for free (not breaking copyright laws). So I’d love to hear suggestions if you have any.

I’ll keep updating this post as your suggestions come in and I’m hoping to eventually have some worksheets to go with these that are worthy of posting online.

Love bringing laughter into the classroom? Me, too! Check out these other posts on humorous lessons:

David Sedaris’s reading of his Santaland Diaries

Hilarious Ted Talks

Using Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in the classroom

• david sedaris , ela lesson , essay , funny , mentor writing , nonfiction , paul feig

This is my ninth year teaching. I'm certified in secondary English and special education. I love creating engaging lessons that help to reach all students regardless of ability. I don't post my real picture because I like to keep my privacy.

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Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples

What’s Covered:

Why are college essays important, should you be funny in your college essay, tips for adding humor to your college essays, essay examples, how to make sure your humor is effective.

College essays are an important part of your application profile. They humanize you and provide you with the opportunity to prove that you’re an interesting individual beyond your grades and test scores. 

Some ways students humanize themselves include reflecting on their values, clueing readers into their backstory, showing off their personalities, or any combination of these. 

One question that may come up with regards to showing off your personality is: can I be funny in my college essay?

Read along to hear our expert opinion on the subject and tips for writing a funny essay, the right way. You can also check out a few examples of essays that have successfully included humor to give you a good idea of what’s appropriate for your writing.

To put it simply, college essays are needed because top colleges have lots of qualified candidates and, to get accepted, you need to stand out. It is estimated that, at top schools, there are at least four academically-qualified applicants for every open spot. This means that students hoping to gain admission to top schools must supplement outstanding grades with other outstanding qualities.

Ways to make yourself stand out include extracurriculars, recommendations and interviews, and essays. At the nation’s top schools, reports tell us that these non-academic factors are weighted respectively as accounting for 30%, 10%, and 25% of your overall admissions chances. The fact that essays account for 25% of your admissions chances means that they could be your key to acceptance at your dream school.

If you are interested in the specific factors that determine how important essays are for individual candidates at individual schools, check out this post .

Essays are heavily weighted in the admissions process because they are the only place where admissions officers get to hear directly from you. An individual’s voice says a lot about them—how mature they are, how comfortable they are with their experiences, and even how likable they are. These are important factors for admissions officers who are trying to see how you would fit in on their campus!

The gist of our answer: if your personality is funny, feel free to be funny! As we’ve said, an important opportunity provided to you by the college essay is the opportunity to show your personality. Humor, if done correctly, can be an important part of that.

That said, if you are only attempting humor because you think it is what admissions officers want to hear or because you think it will help you stand out, abandon ship and find a way to shape your essay that is true to your personality. Try writing down how you view your personality or ask friends and family for adjectives that describe your personality, then show that personality through your voice. It will be more natural this way!

Some elements of personality that could define your voice, if humor isn’t for you:

• Thoughtful/reflective
• Extroverted/social
• Charismatic
• Clever/witty
• Honest/authentic
• Considerate
• Practical/rational

Additionally, if you cannot follow some basic guidelines (listed below) for how to incorporate humor into your essay, you might want to change your course.

1. Be Appropriate

First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. No jokes about sex, drugs, lying, crimes, or anything inappropriate—even if the joke is “obviously” against the inappropriate thing you are mentioning.

2. Don’t Be Overly Informal

You want your essay to position you as mature and intelligent, and the way you control language is a sign of maturity and intellect. That said, lots of humor—particularly the humor of young people and internet humor—are based on informality, intentional grammatical errors, and slang. These types of humor, while arguably funny, should be excluded from college essays!

As you write, remember that you know nothing about your admissions officer. Of course, you do not know their age, race, or gender, but you also don’t know their sense of humor. The last thing you want to do is make a joke with an intentional grammatical error and be perceived as unintelligent or make a joke with slang that confuses your reader and makes them think you don’t have a firm grasp of the English language.

3. Avoid Appearing Disrespectful or Inconsiderate

Humor often involves making fun of someone or something. It is very important that you do not make fun of the wrong things! In the last example, the student made fun of themself and their failed cooking experience. That is totally acceptable.

Things that you should not make fun of:

• Other people (particularly those in positions of authority)
• Political ideas
• Religious ideas
• Anything involving ethics, morals, or values

When you make fun of others, you risk sounding cold or unsympathetic. Admissions officers want to admit candidates who are mature and understand that they can never understand the struggles of others. That means you shouldn’t make a cutting joke about your old boss or an unintelligent politician who was running for your city mayor, even if they are the villain in your anecdote.

Similarly, avoid jokes about types of people. Avoid stereotypes in your jokes. 

In general, it is hard to write a humorous essay about a controversial subject. Controversial issues are typically issues that require deep thought and conversation, so if you intend to engage with them, you should consider a more reflective approach, or consider integrating reflection with your humor.

Here is an example of a student successfully poking fun at themself with their humor, while alluding to controversy:

My teenage rebellion started at age twelve. Though not yet technically a teenager, I dedicated myself to the cause: I wore tee shirts with bands on them that made my parents cringe, shopped exclusively at stores with eyebrow-pierced employees, and met every comforting idea the world offered me with hostility. Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools! My cynicism was a product of a world that gave birth to the War in Afghanistan around the same time it gave birth to me, that shot and killed my peers in school, that irreversibly melted ice caps and polluted oceans and destroyed forests. 

I was angry. I fought with my parents, my peers, and strangers. It was me versus the world. 

However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes. As I kept up the fight, I found myself always tired, emotionally and physically. The tipping point came one morning standing at the bathroom sink before school.

This student engages with controversial subject matter, but the humorous parts are the parts where she makes fun of herself and her beliefs— “ Darkness was in my soul! Happiness was a construct meant for sheep! Optimism was for fools!” Additionally, the student follows up their humor with reflection: “ However, there’s a fundamental flaw in perpetual antagonism: it’s exhausting. My personal relationships suffered as my cynicism turned friends and family into bad guys in my eyes.”

This student is both funny and mature, witty and reflective, and, above all, a good writer with firm control of language.

4. Don’t Force It

We have already mentioned not to force humor, but we are mentioning it again because it is very important! 

Here is an example of a student whose forced humor detracts from the point of their essay:

To say I have always remained in my comfort zone is an understatement. Did I always order chicken fingers and fries at a restaurant? Yup! Sounds like me. Did I always create a color-coded itinerary just for a day trip? Guilty as charged. Did I always carry a first-aid kit at all times? Of course! I would make even an ambulance look unprepared. And yet here I was, choosing 1,000 miles of misery from Las Vegas to Seattle despite every bone in my body telling me not to.

The sunlight blinded my eyes and a wave of nausea swept over me. Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? It was only ten minutes in, and I was certain that the trip was going to be a disaster. I simply hoped that our pre-drive prayer was not stuck in God’s voicemail box. 

As this student attempts to characterize themself as stuck in their ways (to eventually describe how they overcame this desire for comfort), their humor feels gimmicky. They describe their preparedness in a way that comes off as inauthentic. It’s funny to imagine them carrying around a first aid kit everywhere they go, but does the reader believe it? Then, when they write “ Was it too late to say I forgot my calculator? ” they create an image of themself as that goofy, overprepared kit in a sitcom. Sitcom characters don’t feel real and the point of a college essay is to make yourself seem like a real person to admissions officers. Don’t sacrifice your essay to humor.

5. Make Sure Your Humor Is Clear

Humor is subjective, so run your essay by people—lots and lots of people—to see if they are confused, offended, or distracted. Ask people to read your essay for content and see if they mention the humor (positively or negatively), but also specifically ask people what they think about the humor. Peer feedback is always important but becomes particularly useful when attempting a humorous essay.

Essay Example #1

Prompt: Tell us an interesting or amusing story about yourself from your high school years. (350 words)

Cooking is one of those activities at which people are either extremely talented or completely inept. Personally, I’ve found that I fall right in the middle, with neither prodigal nor abhorrent talents. After all, it’s just following instructions, right? Unfortunately, one disastrous night in my kitchen has me questioning that logic.

The task was simple enough: cook a turkey stir fry. In theory, it’s an extremely simple dish. However, almost immediately, things went awry. While I was cutting onions, I absentmindedly rubbed at my eyes and smeared my mascara. (Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later.) I then proceeded to add the raw turkey to the vegetable pot. Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.

After a taste test, I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book and “spice up my life”, adding some red chili paste. This was my fatal mistake. The bottle spilled everywhere. Pot, counter, floor, I mean everywhere . While trying to clean up the mess, my hands ended up covered in sauce.

Foolishly, I decided to taste my ruined meal anyway. My tongue felt like it was on fire and I sprinted to the bathroom to rinse my mouth. I looked in the mirror and, noticing the raccoon eyes formed by my mascara, grabbed a tissue. What I had neglected to realize was that chili paste had transferred to the tissue—the tissue which I was using to wipe my eyes. I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t .

I fumbled blindly for the sink handle, mouth still on fire, eyes burning, presumably looking like a character out of a Tim Burton film. After I rinsed my face, I sat down and stared at my bowl of still-too-spicy and probably-somewhat-raw stir fry, wondering what ancient god had decided to take their anger out on me that night, and hoping I would never incur their wrath ever again.

What the Essay Did Well

This essay is an excellent example of how to successfully execute humor. The student’s informal tone helps to bridge the gap between them and the reader, making us feel like we are sitting across the table from them and laughing along. Speaking directly to the reader in sentences like, “ Keep this in mind; it’ll come into play later, ” and “ I don’t know if you’ve ever put chili paste anywhere near your eyes, but here’s a word of advice: don’t. Seriously, don’t,”  is a great tactic to downplay the formality of the essay.

The student’s humor comes through phrases like “ Now, as any good chef knows, this means that either the vegetables will burn or the turkey will be raw. I am admittedly not a good chef.” As this student plays on the common structure of “As any good (insert profession here) knows,” then subverts expectations, they make an easy-to-understand, casual but not flippant joke.

Similarly, the sentence “ I decided to take a page out of the Spice Girls’ book ,” reads in a light-hearted, funny tone. And, importantly, even if a reader had no idea who the Spice Girls were, they would recognize this as a pop-culture joke and would not be confused or lost in any way. The phrase “ raccoon eyes”  is another humorous inclusion—even if the reader doesn’t know what it’s like to rub their eyes while wearing mascara they can picture the rings around a raccoon and imagine the spectacle.

As you can see from this essay, humor works well when you engage universal and inoffensive concepts in ways that are casual enough to be funny, but still comprehensible.

Essay Example #2

Prompt: Due to a series of clerical errors, there is exactly one typo (an extra letter, a removed letter, or an altered letter) in the name of every department at the University of Chicago. Oops! Describe your new intended major. Why are you interested in it and what courses or areas of focus within it might you want to explore? Potential options include Commuter Science, Bromance Languages and Literatures, Pundamentals: Issues and Texts, Ant History… a full list of unmodified majors ready for your editor’s eye is available here. —Inspired by Josh Kaufman, AB’18

When I shared the video of me eating fried insects in Thailand, my friends were seriously offended. Some stopped talking to me, while the rest thought I had lost my mind and recommended me the names of a few psychologists. 

A major in Gastrophysics at UChicago is not for the faint hearted. You have to have a stomach for it! I do hope I am accepted to it as it is the only University in the U.S. with this unique major. My passion for trying unique food such as fish eye has made me want to understand the complexities of how it affects our digestive system. I understand that Gastrophysics started with a big pang of food, which quickly expanded to famish. Bite years are used to measure the amount of food ingested. I look forward to asking, “How many bite years can the stomach hold?” and “How do different enzymes react with the farticles?” 

Gastrophysics truly unravels the physics of food. At UChicago I will understand the intricacies of what time to eat, how to eat and how food will be digested. Do we need to take antiparticle acid if we feel acidity is becoming a matter of concern? At what angle should the mouth be, for the best possible tasting experience? When I tried crocodile meat, I found that at a 0 degree tilt, it tasted like fish and chicken at the same time. But the same tasted more like fish at a negative angle and like chicken at a positive angle. I want to unravel these mysteries in a class by Professor Daniel Holz in gravitational gastrophysics, understanding the unseen strong and weak forces at play which attract food to our stomachs. 

I find that Gastrophysics is also important for fastronomy. I want to learn the physics of fasting. How should we fast? Hubble bubble is a good chewing gum; an appetite suppressant in case you feel pangs of hunger. I have read how the UChicago Fastronauts are stepping up to test uncharted territories. Intermittent fasting is a new method being researched, and UChicago offers the opportunity for furthering this research. Which is better: fasting for 16 hours and eating for 8, or fasting for 24 hours twice a week? It is just one of the problems that UChicago offers a chance to solve. 

I can also study the new branch it offers that uses farticle physics. It is the science of tracking farticles and how they interact with each other and chemicals in the stomach space. It could give rise to supernovae explosions, turning people into gas giants. It would also teach about the best ways to expel gas and clean the system and prevent stomach space expansion. 

I want to take Fluid dynamics 101, another important course in Gastrophysics; teaching about the importance of water and other fluids in the body, and the most important question: what happens if you try to drink superfluids? 

I hope to do interdisciplinary courses with observational gastrophysicists and work with environmental science majors to track how much methane is given by the human and animal gastrointestinal tract in the atmosphere and how much it contributes to the global climate change. I believe, with the help of courses in date science, they have been able to keep a track of how much methane is entering each day, and they found that during Dec 24-Jan 3 period, a spike in the methane and ethane levels could be seen. Accordingly, algorithms are being programmed to predict the changes all year round. I would love to use my strong mathematical background to explore these algorithms. 

These courses are specially designed by the distinguished faculty of UChicago. Doing interdisciplinary research in collaboration with biological science students to determine what aliens may eat, with fart historians to know more about the intestinal structure of medieval Italians, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish and French people to better their lives is what I look forward to. The Paris study abroad program is an immersion course into fastronomy, where I will have the opportunity to test my self-control with all the amazing French food and desserts around! 

My stomach rumbles now, so I am going out to try out new food – hopefully it will be in Chicago a few months later. 

This is a fun essay! This student’s voice is present and their goofy personality is especially evident. Not only did they change the name of their major, but this student incorporated word play throughout the essay to showcase their imagination. Phrases like “ the big pang of food ”, “ bite years ”, “ fastronauts ”, and “ farticle physics ” keep the tone lighthearted and amusing.

Incorporating this style of humor takes a lot of creativity to be able to still convey your main idea while also earning a chuckle from your readers. While some jokes are a bit more low-brow—” farticles ” or “ fart historians ” for example—they are balanced out by some that are more clever and require a bit of thinking to get the A-ha moment (referencing the Hubble telescope as “ Hubble bubble chewing gum “). You might not feel comfortable including less sophisticated jokes in your essay at all, but if you do want to go down that path, having more intellectual sources of humor is important to provide balance.

Another positive of the essay is the continued thread of humor throughout. Sometimes humor is used as a tool in the introduction and abandoned in favor of practical information about the student. This essay manages to tell us about the student and their interests without sacrificing the laugh factor. Weaving humor throughout the essay like this makes the humor feel more genuine and helps us better understand this student’s personality.  

Essay Example #3

Prompt:   Describe a topic, idea, or concept you find so engaging that it makes you lose all track of time. Why does it captivate you? What or who do you turn to when you want to learn more? (650 words)

Scalding hot water cascades over me, crashing to the ground in a familiar, soothing rhythm. Steam rises to the ceiling as dried sweat and soap suds swirl down the drain. The water hisses as it hits my skin, far above the safe temperature for a shower. The pressure is perfect on my tired muscles, easing the aches and bruises from a rough bout of sparring and the tension from a long, stressful day. The noise from my overactive mind dies away, fading into music, lyrics floating through my head. Black streaks stripe the inside of my left arm, remnants of the penned reminders of homework, money owed and forms due. 

It lacks the same dynamism and controlled intensity of sparring on the mat at taekwondo or the warm tenderness of a tight hug from my father, but it’s still a cocoon of safety as the water washes away the day’s burdens. As long as the hot water is running, the rest of the world ceases to exist, shrinking to me, myself and I. The shower curtain closes me off from the hectic world spinning around me. 

Much like the baths of Blanche DuBois, my hot showers are a means of cleansing and purifying (though I’m mostly just ridding myself of the germs from children at work sneezing on me). In the midst of a hot shower, there is no impending exam to study for, no newspaper deadline to meet, no paycheck to deposit. It is simply complete and utter peace, a safe haven. The steam clears my mind even as it clouds my mirror. 

Creativity thrives in the tub, breathing life into tales of dragons and warrior princesses that evolve only in my head, never making their way to paper but appeasing the childlike dreamer and wannabe author in me all the same. That one calculus problem that has seemed unsolvable since second period clicks into place as I realize the obvious solution. The perfect concluding sentence to my literary analysis essay writes itself (causing me to abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely).  

Ever since I was old enough to start taking showers unaided, I began hogging all the hot water in the house, a source of great frustration to my parents. Many of my early showers were rudely cut short by an unholy banging on the bathroom door and an order to “stop wasting water and come eat dinner before it gets cold.” After a decade of trudging up the stairs every evening to put an end to my water-wasting, my parents finally gave in, leaving me to my (expensive) showers. I imagine someday, when paying the water bill is in my hands, my showers will be shorter, but today is not that day (nor, hopefully, will the next four years be that day). 

Showers are better than any ibuprofen, the perfect panacea for life’s daily ailments. Headaches magically disappear as long as the water runs, though they typically return in full force afterward. The runny nose and itchy eyes courtesy of summertime allergies recede. Showers alleviate even the stomachache from a guacamole-induced lack of self-control. 

Honestly though, the best part about a hot shower is neither its medicinal abilities nor its blissful temporary isolation or even the heavenly warmth seeped deep into my bones. The best part is that these little moments of pure, uninhibited contentedness are a daily occurrence. No matter how stressful the day, showers ensure I always have something to look forward to. They are small moments, true, but important nonetheless, because it is the little things in life that matter; the big moments are too rare, too fleeting to make anyone truly happy. Wherever I am in the world, whatever fate chooses to throw at me, I know I can always find my peace at the end of the day behind the shower curtain.

While the humor in this essay isn’t as direct as the others, the subtle inclusion of little phrases in parentheses throughout the essay bring some comedy without feeling overbearing. 

The contrast of elegant and posh Blanche DuBois and “ germs from children at work sneezing on me ” paints an ironic picture that you can’t help but laugh at. The ability to describe universal experiences also brings a level of humor to the essay. For example, the reader might laugh at the line, “ abruptly end my shower in a mad dash to the computer before I forget it entirely,”  because it brings to mind moments when they have done the same.

This student also achieves a humorous tone by poking fun at themselves. Admitting that they were “ hogging all the hot water, ” leading to “ (expensive) showers, ” as well as describing their stomachache as a “ guacamole-induced lack of self-control, ” keeps the tone casual and easy-going. Everybody has their flaws, and in this case long showers and guacamole are the downfall of this student.

While the tips and tricks we’ve given you will be extremely helpful when writing, it’s often not that simple. Feedback is ultimately any writer’s best source of improvement—especially when it comes to an element like humor which, naturally, can be hit-or-miss! 

To get your college essay edited for free, use our Peer Review Essay Tool . With this tool, other students can tell you if your humor is effective/appropriate and help you improve your essay so that you can have the best chances of admission to your dream schools.

If you want a college admissions expert to review your essay, advisors on CollegeVine have helped students refine their writing and submit successful applications to top schools. Find the right advisor for you to improve your chances of getting into your dream school!

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Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

James Eimers

June 16, 2017

The Art of Writing Funny Personal Statements: How to Use Humor in Your College Application

When 650 words or fewer play a critical role in determining where you’ll pursue your degree, it’s hard to think of admissions essays as anything other than serious business.

With such a small space to give admissions officers a glimpse into who you are and why you’d be a great addition to a given school, it’s always tempting to paint a professional, straight-laced picture of yourself; after all, what school wouldn’t want a mature student highly focused on academic success?

Indeed, for some students, this might be a completely reasonable approach to the Common App personal statement . However, as with many things in life, there is no one-size-fits-all strategy when it comes to admissions essays, and it’s important to take a step back and recall their purpose. Test scores, grades, and letters of recommendation all play an important and informative role in the application process, but none allow you to present yourself in your own words—that’s the beauty of the admissions essays.

There are as many approaches and possible answers to essay questions as there are applicants, including those with a keen sense of humor. Admissions readers count on this because, aside from assembling an incoming class that meets the academic profile of their schools, they hope to admit interesting students with diverse talents who will enrich the educational and life experience of those around them. As a result, even though it feels a bit untraditional, letting your personality—including your sense of humor—shine through your essays can be an excellent way to create a memorable application.

Although humor can go a long way to demonstrating an applicant’s creativity and personality, this doesn’t mean that the approach will work for everyone. It actually can be a common personal statement mistake to try and use humor. Funny personal statements can definitely pack a punch, but they're difficult to do well. When writing what I call a “humorous/offbeat” admissions essay, there are a few key concepts to keep in mind.

Remember that humor itself should never be the main point of the essay. It’s perfectly acceptable to make your reader smile or even laugh out loud, but only in the course of telling a story that reveals something important about yourself. In other words, ensure that you use humor only as a device to highlight or enhance the underlying substance or reflective nature of your essay. Funny personal statements are effective only in showing the personal qualities of the writer at the same time.

You should never force humor into your essays, even when attempting funny personal statements . It is an unfortunate truth of life that making others laugh does not come naturally to all of us, so the offbeat/humor essay might not be an option for everyone. Admissions essays should indicate who you really are; forced humor that falls flat will indeed leave a memorable impression, but for all the wrong reasons.

When writing funny personal statements , the peer-review process becomes even more important than it already is. Humor is subjective by nature, so before clicking “submit” on your applications, make sure that a wide variety of people in your life (friends, parents, and teachers) have read your essays. If all your readers think your essay is appropriate and lighthearted, you’ve likely composed an essay with humor that will land well with an admissions office. If not, it might be time to go back to the drawing board.

When done correctly, f unny personal statements can be extremely effective. One of the best essays I’ve ever read followed this formula: Rife with stories about fanciful white lies he had told others over the years, this student’s essay at first seemed risky. Why reveal to an admissions office the fact that you have, at times, stretched the truth?

However, the student soon made it clear that stretching the truth in his younger days was in fact an early manifestation of his larger desire to tell stories—he wanted to study creative writing and ultimately become an author. His past storytelling revealed much about his creative character and also the fact that, although he had done quite well in school, he didn’t take himself too seriously while doing so. Ultimately, the student was admitted to a number of top schools.

I’ll leave you with some final tips to review when thinking about using humor in your admissions essays:

• Stay away from potentially controversial topics—at best, you will demonstrate a lack of self-awareness, and at worst you might personally offend the admissions reader. Again, peer review your humor before submitting!
• The humor should be original. By writing funny personal statements , you are illustrating the fact that you are a creative student with a good sense of humor—recycling humor falls short here.
• You can use humor in many different types of essays, but remember that the humor should be added only after you already know what story you want to tell; humor alone should never be the substance of your essay.
• Subtle humor can often make a stronger impression than can loud, straightforward humor.

Tags : College , applying to college , college application essay , college admissions essay , college personal statement , Personal Statement , essay

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Women Who Submit

This is No Joke: Humor Journals Worthy of Your Submissions

By Anita Gill

Recently, I came across Olga Kazan’s article from The Atlantic entitled “ Plight of the Funny Female .” According to a mess of studies with smart people writing on notepads, women are not seen as funny.

Many women don’t consider themselves funny. Humor is for men. When going to a comedy club, you’ll see the mostly male line-up of comedians and one woman shoved in there so they seem inclusive.

Part of the problem is that men have made women think they aren’t funny. But according to Kazan’s article, men are more aggressive when it comes to being funny. They try and fail and try again. And with that, they have a higher success rate of scoring a laugh.

Gee, why does that sound familiar? Oh right! Because it’s the same thing men are doing in the publishing world.

As you probably already know, there are loads of literary journals available for your poetry, prose, and other creative media projects. But if you’re like me, and you occasionally write the snarky satiric piece, something that you feel deep down can’t be put out in the world, you may feel lost. It’s a bit more challenging to find a journal or website that showcases funny writing. The hits are old and contain several sites with broken links or closed journals.

It’s like nobody sees humor as quality writing here.

In the efforts of getting my fellow funny ladies and non-binaries more exposure, I’d like to share an updated list of places that accept humor. And if you’re thinking “Well, I don’t write in prose,” I’ll have to stop you there because I even have a site for POETRY that you’ll want to check out. On top of that, all of these places have no submission fee.

Shouts and Murmurs : Sure, this is The New Yorker and it’s a long shot, but why not? Think of this as like your Paris Review of funny places to submit. I should note that they usually want things that aren’t topical (all the immediate jokes about the world seem to go to Andy Borowitz here). Even if it doesn’t work out, you’ll get a nice little rejection message from The New Yorker in your inbox. And getting to say “I got a rejection from The New Yorker ” is a fun achievement in itself.

McSweeney’s Internet Tendency : I’ve loved this site for years and I come back to read certain pieces over and over because they make my sides hurt (see: “ If Women Wrote About Men the Way Men Wrote About Women ”). The pieces here are sharp. The Editors usually get back to you within two weeks. Also, just because they didn’t accept one of your funny stories doesn’t mean they won’t take the next. After I first got published here, they rejected my next two submissions and then accepted the third one.

The Rumpus – Funny Women : This column in The Rumpus caters specifically to humor written by women and gender non-conforming writers. Not only that, but if you get a rejection from them, they give you a list of other places that accept funny writing. I got rejected from here once and it allowed me to find The Big Jewel, where I found a home for another piece.

The Offing – Wit Tea : I love the play on words, and this one is definitely what it says—witty. Maybe it’s the sleek webpage, but whenever I read this column, I feel like I should be drinking tea while laughing and exclaiming, “My! What a romp!”

The Hairpin : You may already know about this site. It’s aimed at women and has quite a following. For examples of what they publish, check out “ Sex Tips from Queen Elizabeth I .”

Reductress : I feel like this is the feminist version of The Onion . I mostly just read the headlines out loud because they’re amazing and everyone within earshot guffaws. Go to their Contact page and email them about submitting. They will occasionally send out emails asking for about 10 pitches of article headlines.

Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest : I’ve been getting this email every year. Apparently, there’s a humor contest for best funny poem. There’s no submission fee. The winner receives $1,000 and even the Honorable Mentions get $100. The deadline is April 1 st , and this seems to be an annual contest. Why not make a little poem and submit? The worst that could happen is that you win the $1,000. Then you have to take Anita out for a drink. She likes pinot noir.

Defenestration : This is a website that accepts a wide variety of humor in fiction, nonfiction, fake nonfiction (it’s a thing?), and poetry.

The Big Jewel : This site has more of a blog feel, but they publish a lot of humorous pieces. They ask for writing that’s under 1,000 words.

Recently, there was a Twitter thread about places that accept funny writing. The following journals replied and welcomed humor. I wanted to send these along because they’re definitely worth looking into.

The Daily : The Daily is The Paris Review blog and they sometimes publish funny pieces. Most of their humor stems from topics related to writing and craft. They ask submitters to send a query first and that pieces shouldn’t be over 2,000 words. Here’s an example by Ann Beattie: “ Six Tips on Writing Inspired by My Farmers Market .”

Barrelhouse : They have some humorous articles in their online mag. See “ Eat Them, I Don’t Know: John Mayer’s Guide to Foraging #2 .”

HelloGiggles : If you have a personal essay that’s humorous, but also meaningful, this is a great place to check out. HelloGiggles is an online site that showcases articles for women on culture and empowerment. The site seems to have a good following, so if you have some writing that’s heartfelt, but also makes someone chuckle, this might be a good fit.

Humor is a tricky beast since it’s so subjective. Fortunately, there are a slew of editors out there with a range of opinions for what makes something funny. Whatever the case, there’s a home for your funny quirky writing.

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I switched schools in grade seven from an all girls private school because I had discovered I wanted to go to school with boys. Growing up I was always awkward looking, braces, overweight, hair was orange after a horrible attempt to die it blonde, I guess when you go to school with girls, looks ... - - 733 - 3 Not once is there a boring moment in house! That's because of dog Lobito. Unlike other families that have a human sometimes being the clown of their family, in family dog Lobito is the clown. He has got to be the funniest dog alive. From his jealousy fits, and his way of picking fights ... - - 1823 - 7 WR115 4/13/99 During the entire three years in high school, the bus always was main transportation. I needed to take it to school and take it home. If you wanted to count how many times I took the bus, it would definitely be plenty. Therefore, I had many different experiences on the bus. ... - - 667 - 3 Perspectives in " Oedipus Complex" Frank O'Connor shows us a side of the World War I that is hardly ever seen. There are many works about the soldiers in the field missing the ones at home. However, there are few works about those left behind. Those that are written concentrate on a grieving ... - - 1889 - 7 Anne Williams was born in 1570. She traveled to Jamestown, Virginia with the first group of settlers to go there. She, her mother, and her two sisters were the first women and among one of the only peasant families to go on that first voyage to Jamestown. Here is her as she remembers it. ... - - 2527 - 10 Descriptive essay First Car first car was an unforgettable experience, I learned a lot from that car and I also got a lot of good memories from that car. Some of the memories were and treasured, while the lessons I learned were hard and sucked but I learned a great deal from ... - - 953 - 4 This essay is based on a personal experience I had that changed point of view about strangers. It made me realize that you really cannot trust anybody, especially a stranger at your window. This heart pounding experience was one that I will never forget, and one that will follow me as I travel ... - - 2658 - 10 Day in the life of... It is dark. Outside dawn�s evolving symphony is building moment. Street light diffused illuminates a small halo upon the fabric of the blinds. I am laying on back, legs and arms spread-eagled on the bed. It is probably, but not definitely about 6. I do not recall when ... - - 6730 - 25 A Short composed by: Reagan B Honors English II Mrs. Coultas - 3 August 16, 1993 "Thanks for that update, Bob," said the aged anchor person. His voice was rough and deep, as though he had been to sea recently and had taken home a throat lined with thick salt water. He sounded too ... - - 5434 - 20 One day, Dorko walks into a popular fast food joint for no other reason than that is where his feet took him. Taking haphazard bites from other customer's food, he crookedly makes his way to the line at a cash register. Of course, the act of getting in line was a complete accident. He stares at ... - - 1274 - 5 This is no fantasy. This is no fallacious delusion of a sick, twisted mind. This is the honest-to-God truth. I love horror novels. Stephen King and Edgar Allen Poe are idols. Perhaps having these two, demented madmen as personal mentors sounds sick, but I tend to think as they do. Most ... - - 808 - 3 Events that have influenced life. The events that have had an influence in life are I have passed level four in swimming; and I am now trying to pass level five. I am level three in piano soon will be level four and I have a very nice private piano teacher; she likes me very much and all ... - - 483 - 2 Big Fat Greek Wedding Big Fat Greek Wedding starts out as a modern day Cinderella and ends with the traditional end to most fairy tale romances the wedding, with all of its associated complexities and mishaps. There's a significant element of culture clashing here, as well. The ... - - 546 - 2 Few authors today write with such universal understanding that their works will be popular with all types of people, and so successfully that their work survives centuries. These authors posses qualities we can seldom identify in their lifetimes. Yet we do know this -- William Shakespeare was ... - - 2409 - 9 R.L. Stine was born October 8, 1943, in Columbus, Ohio and was named Robert Lawrence Stine. R.L. Stine's first house was three 's high, with a garage. His dog named Whitey (�half collie, half husky, half elephant�) spent his days and nights there because he was so big he knocked everything ... - - 355 - 2 R.L. Stine was born november 8, 1943, in Columbus, Ohio and was named Robert Lawrence Stine. R.L. Stine's first house was three 's high, with a garage. His dog named Whitey (�half collie, half husky, half elephant�) spent his days and nights there because he was so big he knocked everything ... - - 355 - 2 Comedy is not a science, it's art. What one-person finds another might cringe at. There is no simple answer to why something is ... Something is because it captures a moment, it contains an element of simple truth, it is something that we have always known for eternity and yet are ... - - 1186 - 5 "You don't know about me, without you have read a book by the name of � The Adventures of Tom Sawyer," but that ain't no matter. that book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There were things which he streched, but mainly he told the truth. That ain' nothing. I never ... - - 5641 - 21 ________ A Research Paper Presented to Mr. Neil of Chula Vista High School ________ In Partial Fulfillment of the Requirements for English 10 Honors/Gate ________ ... - - 2515 - 10 Chapter I I was with george in a small town that afternoon. We were playing horseshoes and we were betting on them horseshoes. As George leaned over the bench shot a glanceat me and said "Watch 'ya plannin' on doin' afterwards..." i told him i was going to hike over to the bunk house and have a ... - - 3928 - 15 » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » | | | Copyright © 2024 Essayworld. All rights reserved TODAY bestsellers: Reviewer-loved and editor-approved picks from $7 Share this — Watch Full Episodes Read With Jenna Inspirational Relationships TODAY Table Newsletters Start TODAY Shop TODAY Awards Citi Concert Series Listen All Day Follow today More Brands On The Show TODAY Plaza I kept my first marriage a secret from my kids. I wish I'd just told them truth “Mom!” My son Chris, then 16, was summoning me to the basement. The concern in his voice made me think he’d seen a spider. Or maybe there was another baby squirrel in the furnace. What he’d found was more jarring: an old photo from a box of items my parents were temporarily storing at our house. In it, I was wearing a white suit, a man in military dress blues was putting a ring on my finger, and a woman holding a book was standing between us.  “Were you going to a dance?” he asked, his face confused. It wasn’t a dance. The photo was of my wedding day — my first wedding day, the one that didn’t include his father. “No,” I said quietly. “I was married to someone else before I met your dad.” Chris looked at the photo and then at me. “The marriage was short and annulled,” I continued. “I never told you because it never came up. It was so long ago and honestly feels like it never happened.” Then, in a strange need to redeem myself, I blurted out, “Your dad was married to someone else before me, too.” Chris dropped the photo back into the box, touched his fingers to his temples, and gestured that his mind had been blown. I never set out to keep my first marriage a secret; it just happened. The truth is it was a period of my life I wanted to forget. I was in my early 20s when I met him, and our relationship was rocky from the start. He was impulsive and proposed on a whim, and we married quickly — and then got it annulled almost as fast.  It took me about a year, but I finally put that part of my life behind me when I met David, my kids’ father. Ironically, he’d had a short-lived first marriage, too, and the shared experience made us appreciate each other even more. When we married and had a family, I told myself that my first marriage didn’t count. It was a blip in my life. No children. No ties. Our kids didn’t need to know because it wasn’t relevant to them. It was a mistake in judgment I could simply erase, as if it had never happened at all. I decided that if they never ask — and why would they? — I didn’t need to bring it up, either. But I didn’t quite follow that plan. A couple of years before he discovered the photo, Chris asked me, “How old were you when you got married?” Without thinking, I responded, “To your dad?” He missed my need to clarify, and I let a perfect opportunity go by. Once Chris knew, I wanted to be more proactive with my younger son, Nick, who was 13. A few months later, we were in the car, talking about someone we knew who was getting a divorce . I took a deep breath. “Did you know I was married to someone else before your dad?” I asked. “Wait, what?” he said, looking up from his phone and turning to me in disbelief. I told him an abbreviated version of the story, proud of myself for seizing the moment. Nick was speechless, which was unusual for him, and finally shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, I didn’t see that coming.” Keeping my first marriage hidden gave it more meaning and power than it deserved, and I regret the way Chris found out. He was just a teenager spending a rainy afternoon perusing a box of old family photos. He didn’t expect to discover his mom’s “secret” past. Fortunately for me, he shrugged it off, later telling me that he could have gone his entire life without knowing and it wouldn’t have impacted him at all. And that’s true. “There are always parts of your past that make you wonder, ‘Should I tell, or shouldn’t I tell?’” Dr. Michele Borba , an author and child psychologist, tells TODAY.com. “It’s always up to you.” But that decision isn’t always so easy, so Borba suggests that parents ask themselves if their child is developmentally mature enough to learn the information, and assess whether the information would fortify their relationship with their child, or cause harm. And she recommends parents always end the conversation by saying, “You probably have other questions about this. Remember, I’m always here for you.” While it may feel awkward, divulging parts of your past can have a surprise benefit. “There’s going to come a time when your child will go through something,” says Borba. “When you choose to be open, your child is more likely to come to you. He’s going to think, ‘Mom’s going to get this.’” After talking about my first marriage, I noticed my sons asked for my advice a little more than before. One came to me about a breakup from a girlfriend. I don’t know if he would have done this before realizing I’d had breakups of my own. Both of my boys have confessed that they’d never thought of me having a life before their dad. The revelation gave them a different perspective. Now, I’m more than just their mom; I’m a woman with life experience, and I like that. Finally, there are no skeletons in the closet — or photos in a box — to scare anyone, including me. Stephanie Vozza is a Nashville-based writer who covers work/life topics for Fast Company. She’s on a mission to put more wow moments into her life and blogs about her adventures at wow-moments.com .  Seven minutes to grieve with ‘Bluey’ I make my kids bring gifts for the flight crew when we travel. Here’s why My wife is the default parent. When I asked her to do less, it didn’t go very well I’m a happy mom but my favorite stories are about child-free women I refuse to play with my kids — and it makes me a better mom I got through breast cancer treatment by hiding it from my young children Disney-ish: How we embraced Disney magic without setting foot inside the park I took my kids on the vacation I hated as a girl. Now I understand my parents more than ever I hid my postpartum depression ... until a friend got me to find help I hated my body as a kid. Watching my daughter love hers has been a healing journey for me What I learned living abroad that college couldn’t teach me My gap year at a swiss vineyard wasn’t what i expected.. After 40 years, I returned to a stone farmhouse with a view of the Alps out back and vineyards across the road. The kitchen still smelled of roasted potatoes. The window above the sink looked into a courtyard lined with potted laurel trees. I knew which drawer to open to find a loaf of bread, and which cupboard contained the cooking oil. I spent the year after I graduated from college here at this home of a professional winemaker and his family near Geneva, Switzerland. Now Roger and Catherine, the husband and wife, each greeted me with a kiss on both cheeks. We spoke to each other in French, as always. I barely recognized their two children. Their son, who celebrated his first birthday when I lived there, is now a carpenter, married with a child of his own. Their daughter, age 6 when I left, took over the family winemaking business, managing more than 17 acres of vineyards with her husband and four children. I had returned as a guest, but it felt unnatural to be sitting while they served a festive lunch. During my time as an informal au pair in their home, I helped out with almost every meal. Kitchen work represented a major change from college, where most of my days and nights were spent reading, writing papers, and pontificating. I had signed on to this Swiss gap year experience because I somehow knew I needed a crash course in being part of a joyful, nurturing household after being raised by my widowed mother. Plus, it would be an adventure to spend a year in Europe. While my peers applied to graduate school or interviewed for professional jobs, I bought a plane ticket. Like many 21-year-olds with a newly minted BA, I had arrived with an inflated sense of self-importance. I was used to being rewarded for expressing my ideas, and to spending most of my time with people my own age. I wanted to go to cafes and stay up late, not wake up before 8 a.m. and start peeling potatoes. Catherine, surprised at my lack of domestic skills, didn’t hesitate to correct me. Lucky for me, she also showed vast amounts of patience as I learned to how to pitch in with chores without being asked, and to converse instead of retreating with a book. She and Roger wisely let me stumble as I devised ways to entertain each child and adapted to routines that centered around their kitchen table. Along the way, my language skills and understanding of another culture increased. Advertisement So did my understanding of family life — its tedium, but also its joys. I felt a special thrill when the baby learned how to walk. I still remember how gleefully he laughed at a simple wind-up toy I bought at a flea market. The daughter delighted in my telling and retelling funny stories about my grandmother, though she made fun of my accent when I read French books to her. I eventually learned to enjoy everyone’s good-natured teasing, and to dish it back. Once the year ended, I moved to Boston and began a career. Soon after, I met the man I would marry. I lost regular contact with Catherine and Roger, but their influence continued. Because of my year with them, it was easy to imagine starting a family of my own. I knew what to expect and how to better navigate the transition to domestic life. My two children benefited. When I finally returned to Geneva, I brought my husband and our son, now in his 30s. I felt gratified as I introduced everyone, and once again walked through the vineyards. As we all toasted with a floral Pinot Blanc, one of the wines they produce, I raised my glass to the generous family who had taught me — across language and cultural differences — life lessons I never learned in college. Clara Silverstein is an author based in Dover. Send comments to [email protected] . TELL YOUR STORY. Email your 650-word unpublished essay on a relationship to [email protected] . Please note: We do not respond to submissions we won’t pursue. Share full article Advertisement Supported by Guest Essay Joe Biden, My Friend and an American Hero By Jon Meacham Mr. Meacham, a historian, has advised President Biden on historical matters and major speeches throughout his term. On the cliffs of Normandy, in a small holding area, the president of the United States was looking out at the English Channel. It was only six weeks ago, on the 80th anniversary of the D-Day landings, and President Biden had just finished his remarks at the American cemetery atop Omaha Beach. Guests had been congratulating him on the speech, but he didn’t want to talk about himself. The moment was not about him; it was about the men who had fought and died there. “Today feels so large,” he told me. “This may sound strange — and I don’t mean it to — but when I was out there, I felt the honor of it, the sanctity of it. To speak for the American people, to speak over those graves, it’s a profound thing.” He turned from the view over the beaches and gestured back toward the war dead. “You want to do right by them, by the country.” Mr. Biden has spent a lifetime trying to do right by the nation, and he did so in the most epic of ways when he chose to end his campaign for re-election. His decision is one of the most remarkable acts of leadership in our history, an act of self-sacrifice that places him in the company of George Washington, who also stepped away from the presidency. To put something ahead of one’s immediate desires — to give, rather than to try to take — is perhaps the most difficult thing for any human being to do. And Mr. Biden has done just that. To be clear: Mr. Biden is my friend, and it has been a privilege to help him when I can. Not because I am a Democrat — I belong to neither party and have voted for both Democrats and Republicans — but because I believe him to be a defender of the Constitution and a public servant of honor and of grace at a time when extreme forces threaten the nation. I do not agree with everything he has done or wanted to do in terms of policy. But I know him to be a good man, a patriot and a president who has met challenges all too similar to those Abraham Lincoln faced. Here is the story I believe history will tell of Joe Biden. With American democracy in an hour of maximum danger in Donald Trump’s presidency, Mr. Biden stepped in the breach. He staved off an authoritarian threat at home, rallied the world against autocrats abroad, laid the foundations for decades of prosperity, managed the end of a once-in-a-century pandemic, successfully legislated on vital issues of climate and infrastructure and has conducted a presidency worthy of the greatest of his predecessors. History and fate brought him to the pinnacle in a late season in his life, and in the end, he respected fate — and he respected the American people. It is, of course, an incredibly difficult moment. Highs and lows, victories and defeats, joy and pain: It has been ever thus for Mr. Biden. In the distant autumn of 1972, he experienced the most exhilarating of hours — election to the United States Senate at the age of 29. He was no scion; he earned it. Then darkness fell: His wife and daughter were killed in an automobile accident that seriously injured his two sons, Beau and Hunter. But he endured, found purpose in the pain, became deeper, wiser, more empathetic. Through the decades, two presidential campaigns imploded, and in 2015 his son Beau, a lawyer and wonderfully promising young political figure, died of brain cancer after serving in Iraq. Such tragedy would have broken many lesser men. Mr. Biden, however, never gave up, never gave in, never surrendered the hope that a fallen, frail and fallible world could be made better, stronger and more whole if people could summon just enough goodness and enough courage to build rather than tear down. We are having trouble retrieving the article content. Please enable JavaScript in your browser settings. Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and  log into  your Times account, or  subscribe  for all of The Times. Thank you for your patience while we verify access. Already a subscriber?  Log in . Want all of The Times?  Subscribe . Books | Biblioracle: ‘The Wedding People’ is Alison… Share this:. Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Click to share on X (Opens in new window) Click to print (Opens in new window) Click to email a link to a friend (Opens in new window) Music and Concerts The Theater Loop TV and Streaming Things To Do Books | biblioracle: ‘the wedding people’ is alison espach’s moving, funny latest, set at a coastal hotel. This is how I felt about Alison Espach’s new novel, “The Wedding People,” completely sincerely, no irony intended. Espach is now three for three on delivering funny, emotionally moving explorations of the difficulties people have in being themselves. Her sharp, coming-of-age novel debut, “The Adults,” presaged the even more accomplished follow-up, “Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance.” Now we have “The Wedding People.” In all three novels, Espach’s focal characters are experiencing a kind of disorienting and distorting sadness that seems to be the dominant feature of their lives. In “Notes on Your Sudden Disappearance,” main character Sally is dealing with a sudden tragic loss when she is a teenager that looms over her life well into adulthood. By framing the novel as a direct address from Sally to the person she has lost, we understand that Sally is both desperately sad but also utterly alive, with a cutting wit and big but sometimes inaccessible heart. It was one of my favorite books of 2022. “The Wedding People” focuses on Phoebe Stone, a divorced adjunct English professor from St. Louis who recently found her beloved, aged cat Harry curled up deceased in her basement. Phoebe is checking into the most expensive suite of the Cornwall Inn, a coastal Rhode Island hotel. It is in the immediate aftermath of the most acute phase of the COVID pandemic, during which Phoebe’s husband Matt announced that he was in love with their mutual colleague Mia, abandoning Phoebe and Harry. Phoebe and Matt had been unable to conceive despite multiple rounds of IVF; Mia has a beautiful young child. Phoebe has not made any progress for years on her book on “Jane Eyre” that might qualify her for a better job. She has had enough. She plans to swallow the bottle of Harry the cat’s fish-flavored pain pills and never wake again. As strange as this may sound following that summary, “The Wedding People” is not in any way tragic. Really, it is the opposite, a story of what it means to lift oneself out of one life and into another through acts of individual will and fellowship with others. Phoebe finds that she is the only guest at the hotel not there for what is to be a six-day wedding event, something that bothers the bride, Lila. Lila is even more bothered when she and Phoebe share the elevator to the hotel’s top floor and Phoebe confesses that she’s there to end her own life. Lila will not have her wedding ruined by a dead woman wheeled out of the hotel. Phoebe, having moved beyond caring what anyone thinks of her, has become the perfect sounding board for Lila’s anxieties about the wedding week and her impending marriage to the dozen-years older groom, Gary, a doctor, a widower and the father of a pre-teen daughter. The plot unfolds in simultaneously surprising and logical ways as Pheobe becomes gradually more entangled in the various wedding events, a kind of convenient receptacle for everyone’s anxieties, Lila, Gary, the best man Jim, Juice (Gary’s daughter), and others. In the meantime, Phoebe is also starting to understand what she must do to move forward in her own life, even as her ex-husband seems to want to reinvolve himself in her life. A highly recommended, deeply satisfying read. John Warner is the author of “Why They Can’t Write: Killing the Five-Paragraph Essay and Other Necessities.” Twitter @biblioracle Book recommendations from the Biblioracle John Warner tells you what to read based on the last five books you’ve read. 1. “Year of Wonders” by Geraldine Brooks 2. “Kairos” by Jenny Erpenbeck 3. “Sacred Hunger” by Barry Unsworth 4. “Père Goriot” by Honoré de Balzac 5. “Necessary Trouble” by Drew Gilpin Faust — Iva F., Evanston In just over 200 pages Paul Harding’s “This Other Eden” manages to tell a story that seems to span a millennium. A truly impressive feat with the intensity and scope I think Iva is looking for. 1. “Challenger: A True Story of Heroism and Disaster on the Edge of Space” by Adam Higginbotham 2. “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Omnibus” by Douglas Adams 3. “Lady Joker” by Kaoru Takamura 4. “The Guests” by Agnes Ravatn 5. “Telluria” by Vladimir Sorokin — Luke M., Browns Creek, Australia Max Barry’s “Providence” is a science fiction thriller that challenges us to consider the nature of our individual realities, and I think its heady mix of ideas and suspense will work for Luke. 1. “The Rent Collector” by Camron Wright 2. “The Chinese Parrot” by Earl Derr Biggers 3. “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn” by Mark Twain 4. “James” by Percival Everett 5. “Blind Judgment” by Grif Stockley — Biff G., Valparaiso, Indiana You’ve got to be willing to follow the stories of some truly deranged characters to get into Donald Ray Pollock’s “The Devil All the Time,” but truth be told, I think it’s a good fit for Biff. Get a reading from the Biblioracle Send a list of the last five books you’ve read and your hometown to [email protected] . More in Books Entertainment | Column: How folk singer Mark Dvorak found his way in his latest book ’31 Winters’ Entertainment | Ernest Hemingway fans celebrate the author’s 125th birthday in his beloved Key West Books | Biblioracle: ‘The History of Sound’ is a new book of short stories worth your time Education | New South Side community arts space and its literary festival are ‘remixing the narrative’ on youths and reading Trending nationally. ‘He’s a straight-up rancher’: Chicago twins who cooperated against Sinaloa cartel talk about arrest of ‘El Mayo’ An ailing Olympic movement turns to Paris for salvation Turning point: A flight over the Florida Everglades reveals scars and hope Campaign volunteers indicted in Queens voter fraud scheme Kevin Spacey’s luxury Baltimore home sold at auction for over $3.2M 261 IMAGES Funny Stories Essay (DOC) ITS KIND OF A FUNNY STORY ESSAY Funny Stories Essay English worksheets: my funny story Essay Memes Funny Essay VIDEO My funny story 1 Din jarur aayega sahi baat hai#K Honey Vlogs#youtubeshorts The Rat Chasing the Food Truck// My Funny Story while Street Vending Story time! One of the most embarrassing moments of my life. #embarrassingmoments #story Don't Believe Everything You Think! My funny story with a child #viral #shorts COMMENTS 103 Hilarious & Serious Essays Comedic Essays: Funny writing from Clean Comic Shaun Eli 103 Hilarious and Serious Essays. Some of these are funny, and some are serious. ... Yes, I write jokes, and I wish my humor were more story-like, more revealing of myself. But I'm decent at writing jokes, so that's what I do. Usually set-up, set-up, punch, or set-up, set-up, punch ... PDF Sample Essay Sample Essay - 'A Funny Story' Last week something really funny happened. It was Saturday morning, and my sister and I were getting ready to go to the grocery store with my mother. When we ... My mother looked in her hand, and there they were. She was holding the keys the whole time. My mother looked very embarrassed, and my sister and I ... How to Write Humor: Funny Essay Writing Tips Having a sense of humor about yourself endears you to others. Satirical humor. Looking to the various faults of individuals, organizations, or society and mining them for comedic purposes. 2. Use the rule of three. The rule of three is a common rule in humor writing and one of the most common comedy writing secrets. How to Mix Humor Into Your Writing For a great example of the use of visual humor, see Roizen and Oz's You Staying Young. 2. USE IT SPARINGLY. Unless you're writing about an inherently funny topic, you should limit the humor you use to selective references. Its purpose is to grab the reader's attention and help you make points in creative ways. How to Write an Interesting, Funny, and Unique College Essay On the subject of space, you have 250-650 words. The only requirement you have to meet is that your essay fits into that space. Other than that you can do almost anything. You can write 40 haikus. You can write a screenplay, a lyric essay, or a poem. You can write a monologue or a comedy scene or a recipe. 875 Funny Writing Prompts For Funny Stories And Comedies The bodies were hidden for a long time until someone they could take care of themselves, or they were just plain stupid. All had the same golden gates and angel wings. Everyone was certain of the fact that the family was a group of satan worshippers. You wake up one night covered in tiny puncture wounds. 12 Comedy Prompts: Ideas for Writing Funny Short Stories 12 Comedy Prompts: Ideas for Writing Funny Short Stories. If you're looking for some fun short story ideas, you might consider humor writing. Crafting a funny short story can improve your writing skills, and it can also help you push through writer's block. The next time you pick up your pen or sit down at the computer, try following one of ... Best Funny Writing Prompts of 2023 Screwball — much like farce, it presents exaggerated situations, but is often used in romantic comedies. Parody — imitates the style of other genres to poke fun at them. Irony — presents a comedic gap between reality and expectations. Dark — pokes fun at a topic that is typically considered taboo. To get your funny story started, here ... How to Make Your Writing Funny: 10 Tips for Writing Humorous Stories Written by MasterClass. Last updated: Aug 23, 2021 • 4 min read. Humor is a device that can be used in many writing genres. Whether you're a freelance writer for magazines, a blogger, or a fiction writer, knowing how to write funny prose and make people laugh out loud is a great skill to have. You don't have to do stand-up comedy or be a ... Definition and Examples of Humorous Essays That's Funny!: Writing Humor You Can Sell. Quill Driver Books, 2005) ... It is when the humor takes a backseat to the story being told that the humorous essay is most effective and the finest writing is done. 2. The humorous essay is no place to be mean or spiteful. You can probably skewer a politician or personal injury lawyer with abandon ... Comedic Writing: How to Write a Funny Story Donna Cavanagh, How to Write and Share Humor: Techniques to Tickle Funny Bones and Win Fans , 2016, Location 415. Another exercise to find a funny story idea: Write down three things you find funny. Imagine a scenario involving who, what, why, where and when for each. Try to write a funny story idea as one sentence. Humorous Writing (A Guide to Adding Humor to Writing) Tickle their funny bone with humorous writing. Whether it's a novel, a short story, or a blog post, a dash of humor can be a game-changer. But crafting comedy isn't one-size-fits-all. ... such as short stories, articles, books, and essays. By the way, don't forget to proofread your work for spelling and grammar mistakes. Funny Narrative Essay by GrabMyEssay.com How you managed to feed yourself for a week with only $10.00 in your pocket. Finding a funny narrative essay within the stack of all of the serious ones causes a reader to take notice, to appreciate the "comic relief" and makes you essay much more memorable. Spend some time thinking over those essay prompts you are given. Humor Writing Basics (& a List of Funny Words) — A List of Funny Words to Help You Writing Funnier Stories — How to Break into Comedy Writing on Television — Humor Phenom Justin Halpern's (Sh*t My Dad Says) Uncensored Insights Into Writing. Hope these articles help you make your humorous stories funnier. I know they've helped me. (By the way: Duct tape is definitely funnier.) Funny & Satirical Short Stories and Texts Here is a great selection of texts from CommonLit that will amuse your students while also pushing them to engage in deep textual analysis. " Dragon, Dragon " by John Gardner (6th Grade) In this comical short story, three sons try to slay a dragon. The first two young men are overconfident and do not take their father's advice seriously. Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts Funny Essays to Use as Mentor Texts. By Amanda in Lesson Ideas, Reading Comprehension, Writing. Seriously - stories both you and your students will laugh out loud reading. Humor varies from person to person, so I have two very different essays in the hopes that you and your students will at least be able to connect to one. Should You Be Funny In Your College Essay + Examples Tips for Adding Humor to Your College Essays. 1. Be Appropriate. First things first: be appropriate. Humor is, of course, subjective, but make sure your subject matter would be considered appropriate by absolutely anyone reading it. Think about the most traditional person you know and make sure they would be okay with it. Humorous Narrative Essay Topics One genre you might consider is the humorous narrative essay. Humorous narrative essays are written like stories and are filled with humor; a good humorous narrative essay will keep its readers ... Funny Personal Statements: Using Humor in Your College Application First: Remember that humor itself should never be the main point of the essay. It's perfectly acceptable to make your reader smile or even laugh out loud, but only in the course of telling a story that reveals something important about yourself. In other words, ensure that you use humor only as a device to highlight or enhance the underlying ... This is No Joke: Humor Journals Worthy of Your Submissions Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest: I've been getting this email every year. Apparently, there's a humor contest for best funny poem. There's no submission fee. The winner receives $1,000 and even the Honorable Mentions get $100. The deadline is April 1 st, and this seems to be an annual contest. A Funny Incident that Happened to Me Free Essay Example A Funny Incident Pages: 1 (262 words) Lysistrata is Funny Pages: 7 (1900 words) Shyam Selvadurairs Funny Boy Analysis English Literature Essay Pages: 6 (1547 words) Its funny y'know people assume heartbreak is always over Pages: 2 (458 words) Moneyball Download - Enjoy The Drama & Biography Movie With Funny Moments Pages: 2 (459 words) My Funny Story Essays My Funny Story Essays and Term Papers. My Passover Story I switched schools in grade seven from an all girls private school because I had discovered I wanted to go to school with boys. ... Remembering Essay Descriptive essay My First Car My first car was an unforgettable experience, ... I Kept My First Marriage a Secret From My Kids. I Wish I Hadn't Essay / Updated July 23 ... Essay / Updated July 16, 2024. Courtesy Sara Heise Graybeal. I'm a happy mom but my favorite stories are about child-free women. Essay / ... A step-by-step look at how law enforcement's visit to Sonya ... What happened: When she grabs the pot of boiling water, one deputy steps back "away from your hot steaming water," he says. "I rebuke you in the name of Jesus," she says in response ... VP Kamala Harris Is Not "Veep" Selina Meyer Guest Essay. I Created 'Veep.' ... The Real-Life Version Isn't So Funny. July 26, 2024. ... but instead wanted to know how I felt now that events were tracking the main story line of my HBO ... Living in Europe taught me about family life, other cultures The daughter delighted in my telling and retelling funny stories about my grandmother, though she made fun of my accent when I read French books to her. ... TELL YOUR STORY. Email your 650-word ... Is Your Flight Delayed by the Tech Outage? Here's What You Need to Know As of about 4 p.m. Eastern, more than 830 Delta flights had been canceled, and more than 1,220 had been delayed. American was reporting more than 360 flights canceled and more than 1,040 delayed. Opinion It is, of course, an incredibly difficult moment. Highs and lows, victories and defeats, joy and pain: It has been ever thus for Mr. Biden. In the distant autumn of 1972, he experienced the most ... Biblioracle on "The Wedding People" by Alison Espach Biblioracle: 'The Wedding People' is Alison Espach's moving, funny latest, set at a coastal hotel Share this: Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window) Sarah Gerard's "Carrie Carolyn Coco" is not the typical true crime In 2016, Carolyn Bush, a 25-year-old poet living in the Ridgewood neighborhood of Queens in New York, collaborated with her colleagues at Wendy's Subway, a literary nonprofit she had co-founded ... assignment essay homework paper phd report resume review speech thesis