love languages essay

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What Are the 5 Love Languages?

• Your Language
• Your Partner's Language

Frequently Asked Questions

The concept of five main categories of giving and receiving love comes from author, speaker, and counselor Gary Chapman's book, The 5 Love Languages . Based on his years of clinical practice, Chapman suggests that a person experiences love in five distinct ways—through words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving and receiving, acts of service, and physical touch—and although they all have merit, everyone has a primary love language.

Chapman suggests that what makes one person feel valued and loved does not necessarily work for another. The book urges partners to learn each other's love language and use it to meet the other's emotional needs. Understanding their partner's preferred love language can help couples manage their differences and cope with conflict.

Read on to learn how to determine your love language and how it may help your relationship.

demaerre / Getty Images

The Research

The love languages model was derived from clinical observations made by Chapman rather than empirical evidence (gained through observation and experimentation). While the book has sold millions of copies worldwide and is being incorporated into therapy by some counselors, formal study on Chapman’s love languages is limited.

However, there is some research on the subject. One study that looked at over 980 individuals in relationships found that people who believed their partners were correctly using their primary love language felt more love for their partner. Even partners who were attempting to show affection in the way their partner needed made their partner feel happier in the relationship.

Another study found that couples who follow Chapman’s advice of catering to their partner's love language display relationship maintenance behaviors, leading to more relationship satisfaction.

These findings, in their basic form, show that partners who listen to and understand the needs of their partner will have a healthier relationship.

When Love Languages Don't Match

Partners don't need to have the same primary love language. When partners have different primary love languages, relationship satisfaction may depend more on the ability to self-regulate behaviors for a partner’s needs than anything else.

Limitations

Research on the five love languages also has several limitations. Most of the research has been conducted on heterosexual couples. One study that included same-sex couples found that results were consistent regardless of sexual orientation, but more studies are needed.

While the five love languages seem to be adaptable to different cultures, the research has found that culture does influence both how the method is implemented and the results of the studies. Because many of the studies were narrow in their participant pools, the results may not translate well to other populations.

While all five love languages have value and people may identify with more than one love language, Chapman proposes that everyone has a primary one. Understanding your partner's top or primary love language is the first step in meeting their needs.

Quality Time

People whose love language is quality time appreciate:

• Uninterrupted time spent together
• Their partner's undivided attention (e.g., not checking their phone)
• Not just the amount of time spent together, but the quality of it, including eye contact, being present and focused on each other, sharing feelings and thoughts, and being welcoming and personal with each other
• Engaging in activities that allow them to enjoy each other's company

Physical Touch

People whose love language is physical touch don't necessarily require sexual intimacy . They also appreciate:

• Affectionate touching, such as holding hands, hugs, arms placed around them, or gentle touches to their face or body
• Physical closeness that allows them to feel connected to their partner and safe

Remember that even if your partner's love language is physical touch, they may not always want to be touched or touched in certain ways.

If your love language is physical touch, it isn't OK to pressure your partner into engaging in physical activities they aren't comfortable with. Consent is always needed.

Words of Affirmation

Someone whose love language is words of affirmation may appreciate:

• Kind words of praise or appreciation
• Texts or emails that let them know their partner is thinking of them and cares for them
• Compliments
• Interest in what they are saying or doing or the things they value
• Acknowledgment of their accomplishments
• Encouragement
• Hearing more positive words than negative ones

People with this love language are more negatively affected by unkind words or harsh criticisms.

Acts of Service 

People whose primary love language is acts of service value:

• Their partner helping them out
• When their partner takes the pressure off them by taking on one of their responsibilities, especially ones they do not enjoy
• Their partner following through on commitments and doing things instead of just talking about doing them
• Actions from their partner that make their lives a little easier or ease their workload
• Their partner doing helpful things without needing to be asked or reminded

Receiving Gifts

Those who identify gift-giving and receiving as their primary love language value the thought behind the gift more than the material item. A simple, inexpensive, but thoughtful item means more to them than a generic luxury item. They appreciate:

• Unexpected gifts that let them know their partner was thinking about them, such as bringing them coffee or flowers
• When their partner surprises them with a gift for no reason
• A gift that their partner put a lot of thought into
• Gifts that show their partner really "gets them"

Examples of the 5 Love Languages

• Quality time : Pete gives Suraj his full attention while Suraj tells him about his day. Pete's phone buzzes, but he doesn't pick it up or look at it.
• Physical touch : Maria and John are watching a movie. John pulls Maria close to him for a cuddle.
• Words of affirmation : While finishing up a meal that Pat made, Chris says, "This was delicious. I really appreciate everything you do for our family, including making this lovely meal."
• Acts of service : When Aiko goes to empty the dishwasher, they find that Omari has beat them to it, even though it was their turn.
• Receiving gifts : Carlos had a terrible day. When Maryam comes home after work, she gives Carlos a magazine he loves and his favorite kind of candy bar, which she picked up during her lunch hour to cheer him up.

Both partners and the relationship as a whole can benefit from using the five love languages.

Chapman argues that partners feel more fulfilled, secure, and recognized when they try to use each other's love languages. This allows them to explore their interests more and work on personal development. Rather than losing their individuality, they become more intimate with each other while helping their partner reach their potential.

When someone shows love using their love language, it may not be noticed or appreciated as much by their partner. Showing love using their partner's love language is more likely to have a positive effect.

Other benefits can include:

• Helping improve empathy and selflessness
• Encouraging partners to be more meaningful with their actions
• Strengthening the relationship
• Increasing self-awareness and encouraging personal growth

How to Determine Your Love Language 

Chapman offers a quiz on his website, in addition to measures provided in his book. You can look at the profiles of each love language to see which one most resonates.

Chapman also suggests asking yourself the following questions:

• What are things your partner does or doesn't do that deeply hurt you?
• What have you asked your partner to do more/most often?
• How do you typically express love to your partner?
• What would you look for in an ideal partner?

Take the Quiz

Try Chapman's quiz to determine your primary love language . You can also look into his other quizzes on apology language, appreciation language, and anger assessment.

How to Determine Your Partner’s Love Language 

Ideally, both partners will read the book, take the quiz, and learn about their love languages together.

If this isn't possible, Chapman suggests asking yourself:

• How does your partner most often express love to others?
• What does your partner complain about most often?
• What does your partner request most often?

Chapman also proposes a five-week experiment, that includes the following:

• Each week, choose one of the love languages and use it every weekday—Monday to Friday—while observing your partner's response.
• Relax on Saturday and Sunday.
• Repeat until you have covered all five love languages.

Did you notice more positive responses during any of the weeks? If so, Chapman says that's likely their primary love language.

Limitations of the 5 Love Languages Model

There are important limitations to the love languages model that need to be considered, including:

• Chapman's theory is directed toward heterosexual spouses. The nature and language is heteronormative , and gender stereotypes are sometimes used. Relationships with more than two partners are also not considered.
• Love languages may not be enough to address relationship problems. More counseling may be needed, potentially using the love languages as a tool.
• The model may be too simplistic and broad, lacking nuance and not adequately addressing things like trauma , attachment style , or other major influences.
• It has the potential to be misused, such as a person demanding their partner engage in behaviors or activities they are not comfortable with in order to "prove their love," or making the other person feel guilty for not doing so.
• The love languages are based on American norms that don't always translate to other cultures. For example, in some cultures, gift giving can be viewed as "buying affection," and public displays of affection are taboo in some cultures.

In 1992, Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages , a guide to determining how to give and receive love based on each partner's preferred expressions of love. The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

While there is not a lot of research on the effectiveness of using Chapman's love language model, studies suggest understanding your partner's primary love language leads to happier relationships.

There are limitations to the model, including heteronormativity , cultural bias, and simplicity. The five love languages should be viewed as a tool to strengthen relationships more than as a sole resource.

A Word From Verywell 

If you and your partner are having trouble connecting, it may be that you each express love in different ways. Learning what makes your partner feel loved and appreciated, and teaching them how to do the same for you, may help bring you closer together.

There is not an official sixth love language, but people sometimes suggest additional ones, including humor or personal space. None of these are included in Chapman's theory.

The five love languages (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving and giving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) can also be applied to children. They can be used to strengthen parent-child relationships. Chapman has a book on how to use the five love languages with children.

Bland AM, McQueen KS. The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: an exploratory cluster analysis . Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice . 2018;7(2):103-126. doi:10.1037/cfp0000102

Hughes JL, Camden AA. Using chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction . PsiChiJournal . 2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.JN25.3.234

Surijah EA, Prasetyaningsih NMM, Supriyadi S. Popular psychology versus scientific evidence: love languages’ factor structure and connection to marital satisfaction . Psympathic : Jurnal Ilmiah Psikologi . 2021;7(2):155-168. doi:10.15575/psy.v7i2.6634

Cook M, Pasley J, Pellarin E, Medow K, Baltz M, Buhman-Wiggs A. Construct validation of the five love languages .  Journal of Psychological Inquiry . 2013;(2):50-61. doi:10.24123/aipj.v31i2.565

Egbert N, Polk D. Speaking the language of relational maintenance: a validity test of chapman’s () five love languages .  Communication Research Reports . 2006;23(1):19-26. doi:10.1080/17464090500535822

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ. Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction: Love languages, self-regulation, and satisfaction .  Pers Relationship . 2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

The Family Centre. 5 different ways to show love and improve your relationship .

U.S. Department of Health and Human Service. Applying The 5 Love Languages™ to healthy relationships .

University of Arizona. The psychology behind the 5 love languages .

5 Love Languages. Frequently asked questions .

Surijah EA, Kirana CT. Five love languages scale factor analysis . Makara Hubs-Asia . 2020;24(1):56. doi:10.7454/hubs.asia.2201118

By Heather Jones Jones is a freelance writer with a strong focus on health, parenting, disability, and feminism.

• Relationships

How Does Your Love Language Impact Your Relationship?

Research reveals ways the five love languages do (and do not) influence couples..

Posted November 2, 2021 | Reviewed by Abigail Fagan

• Why Relationships Matter
• Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test
• Find a therapist to strengthen relationships
• Love languages are the key ways that people receive and give love: gifts, words of affirmation, time, acts of service, and touch.
• According to the theory, we each have a preferred love language, and relationships do best when partners match their languages.
• Knowing a partner’s primary love language doesn't relate to greater relationship satisfaction now or in the future, research suggests.
• Research found that couples with mismatched love languages had relationships that were just as good as those couples who were matched.

What you know about relationships might be wrong. That said, it isn’t entirely your fault. Often, the culprit is an overreliance on our own (limited) experience, or friends’ well-intentioned advice. Even when we try to seek out quality information in popular relationship books, it’s hard to know how much of what we read is supported by science. Take, for example, one of the most widely read books on love, The 5 Love Languages (Chapman, 2010).

What Are Love Languages?

The 5 Love Languages’ highly intuitive premise is that there are five key ways that we express love: gifts (e.g., surprising them with a present), words of affirmation (e.g., giving them compliments), quality time (e.g., intently listening to them), acts of service (e.g., doing errands for them), and physical touch (e.g., giving them a hug) (Egbert & Polk, 2006). While you may use any of the five “languages” to show your partner love, according to Chapman, you have one primary or dominant style. A recent study found that the most preferred love language was time (40.8%), followed by touch (40.0%), words (22.7%), service (13.6%), and gifts (4.0%) (Hughes & Camden, 2020).

For example, you may particularly value service. As a result, you express love for your partner by doing things for them like cooking a meal or cleaning up around the house. If service is your dominant love language, you would also look for acts of service from your partner as a sign of their love for you. How often are they looking for ways to help you out? According to the book, when both partners share the same dominant love language, the relationship will go more smoothly and be higher quality. That is, it doesn’t matter which language you both speak (e.g., time, touch, words etc.), just that you’re both on the same page. However, if your languages are mismatched, you have a hard time relating and understanding each other, which undermines your relationship. Allegedly.

Do Love Languages Impact Relationships?

Love languages are a good story. They're simple, intuitive, and easy to implement. The problem is, they're likely wrong.

First, it’s important to note that love languages have not been widely studied. However, two early dissertations examined how knowing your partner’s love language might impact relationship satisfaction (Thatcher, 2004; Veale, 2006). Neither study found that it helped. In fact, not only did knowing the partner’s primary love language not correspond with greater relationship satisfaction at the moment, but it also didn’t relate to greater satisfaction three weeks later (Veale, 2006).

But maybe knowing your partner’s language isn’t enough. Perhaps you need to be matched. Two Australian scientists tested this by seeing if partners with matching love languages had better relationships (Bunt et al., 2007). They gathered heterosexual couples in their mid-20s and had each person complete a measure of their relationship satisfaction and love styles (e.g., “I tend to express my feelings by running errands for her/him”). Consistent with Chapman’s suggestions, researchers determined each partner’s primary love language based on which of the five languages had the highest score. Next, researchers compared partners to see if their primary love languages matched (e.g., both rated touch highest or both rated service highest) or mismatched (e.g., one person had touch as their primary, while the other person had time).

According to Chapman, those with aligned love languages should have better relationships. However, this was not the case. Couples with mismatched love languages had relationships that were just as good as those couples who were matched. You could argue that it might not just be alignment that matters, but that there are also benefits to knowing what your partner values about love. In fact, most people were actually really good at this, with 3 out 4 (76%) able to accurately read their partner’s love language. Yet, the researchers found no evidence that this insight helped them have a more satisfying relationship.

More recently, research took the matching idea a step further by looking at which love language each partner wanted, what they gave, and what they received (Polk & Egbert, 2013). Using this approach, there were three potential outcomes: matched (both partners received their preferred love language), mismatched (neither partner received their preferred love language), and partial match (one person received their preferred love language, while the other didn’t). According to the Love Language theory, the matched couples should easily have the best relationship quality. However, the researchers found no difference between couple types. In other words, the findings again provide little support for the idea that love languages are important for relationships.

Though most research fails to support the Love Language theory, a 2020 study did find partial support (Hughes & Camden, 2020). In a sample of nearly a thousand adults in the United States, over 50% reported that their partner used their preferred love language well. When participants thought their partners used their preferred love language, they reported greater satisfaction and love in their relationships.

The Take-Home Message

The verdict? Over 11 million people have read the book and believe in love languages. However, the research generally doesn’t support the “lessons” it shares. No wonder our ideas about love are wrong. Really, the key lesson is that just because something sounds good, intuitive, or like common sense, it doesn’t mean it’s actually true. Relationships are complicated. More often than not, attempts at simplification naturally sacrifice accuracy. All of which is problematic if you’re using these ideas to better understand your own relationship and/or making changes to improve it. The best approach is to make science your love language and learn as much about relationships as possible so you can set your relationship up for success.

Bunt, S., & Hazelwood, Z. J. (2017). Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self‐regulation, and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 24 (2), 280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

Chapman, G. D. (2010). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Chicago: Northfield Pub.

Egbert, N., & Polk, D. (2006). Speaking the language of relational maintenance: A validity test of Chapman’s (1992) five love languages. Communication Research Reports, 23 (1), 19–26.

Hughes, J. L., & Camden, A. A. (2020). Using Chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction. Psi Chi Journal of Psychological Research, 25 (3), 234–244.

Polk, D. M., & Egbert, N. (2013). Speaking the language of love: On whether Chapman’s (1992) claims stand up to empirical testing. The Open Communication Journal, 7 (1), 1–11. https://doi.org/10.2174/1874916X20130423001

Thatcher, E. D. (2004). The interaction between love language and marital alignment on marital satisfaction for selected married individuals. Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 65 (11–B), 6093. (UMI No. AA13152566)

Veale, S. L. (2006). How do I love thee? An investigation of Chapman’s ‘Five Love Languages’ (Gary Chapman). Dissertation Abstracts International: Section B: The Sciences and Engineering, 67, 2286. (UMI No. AA13215981)

Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., Ph.D., is the author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship...and How to See Past Them .

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Home — Essay Samples — Life — Relationship — 5 Languages of Love to Bind a Solid Relationship

5 Languages of Love to Bind a Solid Relationship

• Categories: Family Relationships Relationship

About this sample

Words: 733 |

Published: Jan 21, 2020

Words: 733 | Pages: 2 | 4 min read

Table of contents

Words of affirmation, receiving gifts, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, why you should know your love language, works cited.

• How do I express love to others? You may, for instance, express your love best by giving thoughtful gifts to those you love.
• What do I request most from people I associate with? You may find that you love to feel appreciated and acknowledged for what you do
• What do I complain about the most? You may complain that your significant other does notice when you do something really well, highlighting your need to be acknowledgedAsk your spouse the same questions to find out his predisposition too.
• Chapman, G. (2015). The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts. Northfield Publishing.
• Cohan, C. L., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997). Negative life events, marital interaction, and the longitudinal course of newlywed marriage. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(6), 1141-1156.
• Dindia, K., & Canary, D. J. (1993). Definitions and theoretical perspectives on maintaining relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 10(2), 163-173.
• Gable, S. L., Reis, H. T., & Downey, G. (2003). He said, she said: A quasi-signal detection analysis of daily interactions between close relationship partners. Psychological Science, 14(2), 100-105.
• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: Behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221-233.
• Hendrick, S. S., & Hendrick, C. (1986). A theory and method of love. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 50(2), 392-402.
• Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown and Company.
• Lee, J. A. (1973). The colors of love: An exploration of the ways of loving. Don Mills, Ontario: New Press.
• Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness. In D. J. Mashek & A. P. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy (pp. 201-225). Psychology Press.
• Sprecher, S., & Regan, P. C. (2002). Liking some things (in some people) more than others: Partner preferences in romantic relationships and friendships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 19(4), 463-481.

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Is There Science Behind the Five Love Languages?

Love languages—the concept coined by Baptist pastor Gary Chapman some 30 years ago—has taken the relationships world by storm. It’s often the “go-to” topic on first dates, and, for those in relationships, love languages are said to provide deep, meaningful, and reliable insights into how relationships function. Putting love languages into action is believed to increase relationship happiness.

The concept clearly has appeal. At last count, 20 million copies have been sold worldwide of Chapman’s 1992 book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . The book has been translated into 49 languages.

There is only one catch. There is little evidence to support the idea that love languages are “a thing,” or that love languages do much of anything to help improve relationships.

What are the love languages?

According to Chapman , there are five love languages. Each of these love languages is a way to communicate your love to your romantic partner.

In his role as a Baptist pastor, Chapman had been counselling couples for years. It was through his observations of couples that the idea of love languages was born.

He believed love languages were an intuitive and simple way to teach couples about how to tune into each other’s ways of expressing love. And so, he began running seminars for husbands and wives, and the popularity of his seminars grew.

The five love languages are:

• acts of service (doing something that helps a partner, such as running an errand)
• physical touch (demonstrating physical affection, such as giving your partner a hug or kiss)
• quality time (spending time together and giving each other undivided attention)
• gifts (giving your partner a present that communicates thoughtfulness, effort, or expense)
• words of affirmation (such as expressing your admiration, or complimenting your partner).

Chapman suggests that people typically use all love languages, but that most people tend to rely on one love language most of the time. This is referred to as a person’s primary love language.

According to Chapman, people are more satisfied in their relationships when both partners match when it comes to their primary love language. However, people experience less satisfaction in their relationships when both partners do not share the same primary love language.

Another important aspect of the love languages concept is that relationships are likely to deliver the greatest satisfaction when a person can understand their partner’s love language, and act in ways that “speak to” their partner’s language. In essence, this idea is about tuning in to what a partner wants.

This is an idea that has existed across many models and theories about how relationships function well. That is, responding to a partner in a way that meets their needs and wants makes a person feel understood, validated, and cared for .

What does the evidence tell us?

Despite the popularity of the theory of love languages, only a handful of studies have been conducted and reported over the past 30 years. Research is largely inconclusive, although the balance sways more toward refuting rather than endorsing the love languages concept.

Let’s start with how love languages are assessed. In popular culture, the Love Language Quiz TM is an online questionnaire that people can complete to find out about their love languages. Despite millions of individuals having taken the quiz (according to 5lovelanguages.com), there are no published findings as to the reliability and validity of the measure.

Researchers have developed their own version of the love languages survey, but the findings did not meet the statistical thresholds to suggest the survey adequately captured the five love languages. Also, their findings did not support the idea that there are five love languages.

Furthermore, a qualitative study, in which researchers coded the written responses of undergraduate students to questions about how they express love, suggested there may be six love languages. However, the researchers reported difficulty agreeing on how some of the students’ responses neatly fitted into Chapman’s love languages, particularly in the categories of “words of affirmation” and “quality time.”

Next, let’s turn to research testing a core premise of the love language theory: that couples with matching love languages experience greater satisfaction than those who do not. Evidence for this premise is very mixed.

Three studies , including one that used Chapman’s Love Language Quiz, have found that couples with matching love languages were no more satisfied than couples who were mismatched.

However, a more recent study found that partners with matching love languages experienced greater relationship and sexual satisfaction than partners with mismatched love languages. This research also found that men who reported greater empathy and perspective taking had a love language that better matched the language of their partner.

Finally, what does the research say about whether having a better understanding of your partner’s love language is linked to higher relationship satisfaction? Only two studies have investigated this question. Both found that knowing your partner’s primary love language did predict relationship satisfaction in the present or into the future.

So, as you can see, not only is there very little research investigating love languages, but the research to date doesn’t strengthen belief in the powerful properties of love languages.

This article is republished from The Conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article .

About the Author

Gery Karantzas

Gery Karantzas, Ph.D. , is currently a professor and director of the Science of Adult Relationships (SoAR) Laboratory in the School of Psychology at Deakin University. He is also a couples therapist and was the former national convener of the Australian Psychological Society Psychology of Relationships Interest Group.

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The 5 Love Languages

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The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts

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Discussion Questions

How would the inability to speak a partner’s preferred love language affect the relationship?

Is it necessary to know one’s own love language, or is it enough simply to know that one feels loved regardless of how or why?

Do you agree with the author that the language of gift-giving is the easiest to learn? Why or why not?

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5 Love Languages Description Essay

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There is hardly anyone who would be able to give a straightforward definition of the concept of love. The view of what love is and how it works may differ substantially from person to person, as it relies upon cultural as well as family background, personal experience, and other factors. Nevertheless, it is possible to identify which of the so-called love languages is predominant in a particular person. Being aware of the love language an individual uses is helpful in adjusting the style of communication, hence establishing a better relationship.

I personally both interpret and communicate love through physical touch; thus, holding hands is an outstandingly intimate gesture for me. Also, I find it insufficient to communicate remotely and need the regular presence of my partner to feel satisfied. This is presumably a manifestation of my belonging need , which means connectedness to a long-lasting and significant relationship (Wood, 2020). With a person of the same type, I will not need to change anything, as we both will apparently realize the importance of touching each other.

Another language of love is acts of service, which means revealing the beloved from responsibility, put simply, doing something for them. In case I choose to date an individual willing that, I will need to overcome my laziness since they would doubtlessly regard it as indifference. I believe such an attitude to rooting in safety needs , which is actually one of the main reasons why people build personal relationships (Wood, 2020). Notably, people in whom acts of service dominate find it critical to feeling that they can rely upon their partners completely to be supported and protected.

In a considerable amount of people, the prevalent love language is so-called quality time. In other words, it is essential for them to receive undivided attention from their partners, which can also be referred to as mindfulness (Wood, 2020). This concept involves careful listening, punctuality, and similar ways to show a person how important they are. For me, a relationship with an individual of such a kind would require improving my concentration, as I currently get distracted on the regular.

All of the above exemplify non-verbal signals of love people can send to their beloved. Meanwhile, verbal communication , which by means of words, is another love language referred to as words of affirmation; for instance, audial people focus on what they hear before anything else (Wood, 2020). This could hardly make problems for me since I actually fancy saying compliments to my nearest and telling them about their uniqueness.

Finally, to a certain share of people, receiving gifts is the most eloquent love language. It is worth noting that what actually matters is the effort behind the present, not the latter itself. Although I am rather experienced in gifting, I will have to consider cultural diversity in a relationship with a person who speaks this language (Wood, 2020). Simply put, the same tokens may have different meanings in other cultures, which may lead to misunderstandings.

In conclusion, people can communicate love in several ways that are also known as love languages. To be able to build a positive and lasting relationship with an individual whose dominant love language is distinct from mine, I will have to adjust my style of social interaction. Thus, there may be a need for developing new skills like mindful listening as well as minimizing my weaknesses, in particular, laziness.

Wood, J.T. (2020). Interpersonal communication: Everyday encounters (9th Ed.). Cengage Learning, Inc.

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What the 5 love languages get right, and what they get very wrong

Don’t think of love as a language. Experts say to think of love as a balanced diet instead.

by Constance Grady

As Meyers-Briggs quizzes are to corporate bonding retreats, love languages are to Hinge profiles. They show up again and again on dating sites, and on relationship advice forums and social media memes and debunking podcasts. There is something about the idea of love languages that seems to make people feel very passionately: My love language is words of affirmation. My love language is clean sheets. My boyfriend says he doesn’t have a love language, and I don’t know how to express my love to him. Love languages are bull crap. My love language is hating on love languages .

These agents of provocation emerged from the mind of Baptist pastor Gary Chapman, author of the 1992 book The 5 Love Languages . Chapman developed his theory of love languages while he was offering pastoral care to couples who came to his church looking for support in their marriages. As Chapman sees it, the reason married people fight is that they are each trying to express their love in ways the other person doesn’t understand. It is as if, he explains, they are speaking different languages.

Chapman’s initial modest offering has developed into a full-fledged media universe: The 5 Love Languages of Children , The 5 Love Languages Singles Edition , The 5 Love Languages for Men , The 5 Love Languages of Teenagers , The 5 Love Languages Military Edition . There is an app . There are Chapman-hosted podcasts .

The basic premise of the Chapman universe, however, has a pleasing Hogwarts house-style simplicity. Chapman cataloged five love languages, which he says are all the same for everybody: quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, acts of service, and words of affirmation. You get one love language as your primary and another as your secondary, like being on the cusp in astrology. You aren’t allowed to have more than that. Ideally, you and your partner should have at least one in common. To pick your language, you take the personality quiz at the back of the book, now available online .

For true believers, the love languages are the key to relationship communication. Say one person feels loved when they’re cuddling (physical touch), while their partner considers cleaning the house (acts of service) to be the ultimate expression of their affection. Both of them might feel as though they’re putting in all the work for the relationship and as though the other person is neglecting them. Chapman’s love language concept gives both parties a way of talking about what they’re missing from one another without accusations.

Critics, however, point to Chapman’s rigid and conservative gender politics (most prominent in the earliest editions of the book) and the lack of scientific basis for his theories. Love languages, they warn, can be too inflexible to be practical.

“If someone identifies their primary love language as ‘gifts,’ they might unconsciously downplay the significance of spending quality time, being physically affectionate, engaging in deep conversations, and so on,” says Gideon Park, a co-author of a recent psychology paper examining the academic research on love languages. “This could create a narrow understanding of what constitutes love, hindering the richness and diversity of emotional connections.”

In the name of richness and diversity, let’s take a close look at the concept of love languages. Here’s what they get right, and what they get very wrong.

The scientific research into love languages is mixed at best

The paper Park worked on under lead author Emily Impett lays out three foundational tenets of The 5 Love Languages , which the researchers then checked against existing relationship science research. The three tenets are the basis of Chapman’s argument: There are exactly five love languages, everyone has exactly one primary love language, and when you match languages with your partner, you’re happier. According to the literature review from Impett et al., there does not seem to be empirical evidence for any of these three principles.

The paper finds few consistent results between studies about how people experience love. Still, when researchers ask people about what makes them feel loved, the reasons they list don’t necessarily have to do with ideas like “words of affirmation” or “acts of service.” One study in 2013 found that their subjects listed acts that sorted themselves into categories of sacrificial, intimate, quality time, supportive, and comforting love. Another study in 2010 found that subjects thought it was important when their partners made an effort to get to know their friends and talked about the best ways to deal with fights.

Impett et al. argue that it’s a losing battle to try to fit the way people love into preexisting categories. “A more comprehensive understanding of how people communicate love,” they write, “would require a bottom-up approach.” A good researcher would let people tell them what they thought love languages looked like, rather than imposing their own categories on their subjects.

When researchers do work with Chapman’s five categories, they tend to find that people aren’t willing to confine themselves to one primary love language. When people are asked to rate the importance of each love language on a scale of 1 to 5, they tend to give all 4s and 5s. If you try to force their hand by designing a test that makes them choose one, the same person will end up with a different answer depending on how you administer the test.

Finally, researchers consistently find that there’s no correlation between matching love languages with your partner and reporting higher relationship satisfaction. It simply doesn’t seem to matter whether you and your partner are native speakers of the same love language.

What does seem to matter is whether you and your partners are willing to learn each other’s languages. Two different studies have found that when you perceive your partner as speaking your love language well, your relationship satisfaction goes up. Although Impett et al. critique the methodology of those studies, they seem to point to a pretty basic conclusion: If you and your partner have thought about how to express affection for one another, and you do it on a regular basis, you’re likely to be pretty happy. Used well, Chapman’s love languages can be an effective tool for getting there.

Chapman’s gender and sexual politics are pretty worrisome

Chapman has never claimed that the love languages are based on any kind of scientifically rigorous process. They have always been an impressionistic tool that comes from the observations he made during his time as a pastor, counseling couples at his Baptist church in North Carolina in the ’80s and ’90s. That’s a specific political and cultural context, and it informs the way the theory of the love languages developed.

In the 1992 edition of The 5 Love Languages , Chapman is explicit about the demographics of the couples he worked with. They are white, heterosexual, conservative Christian couples. The book is structured under the assumption that the wife will stay at home and care for the house and children while the husband goes to work to provide for her. It is a thoroughly heterosexual, monogamous book that chooses not to acknowledge the existence of queer people, to say nothing of poly or trans people.

As the debunking podcast If Books Could Kill laid out in April 2023, most of the couple fights Chapman uses as examples tend to involve wives nagging their husbands to take care of chores. In one case, Chapman explains to a henpecked husband that while he thinks the best way to express love is through sex (physical touch), his wife only experiences love if he helps her with vacuuming (acts of service). If the husband would just help out with vacuuming once in a while, Chapman goes on, the wife will feel just as loved as the husband does when they have sex. The idea that the wife might be interested in sex but can’t focus on it while never-ending housework piles up all around her is not one Chapman engages with.

The most infamous of these examples comes with the case study of Ann, who goes to Chapman for guidance in dealing with her husband’s cruelty. “Is it possible to love someone you hate?” she asks Chapman. In response, he gives her Bible passages about loving one’s enemies and tells her that her husband’s love language is probably physical touch. In order to save the marriage, he advises her, she should stop all complaints about her husband and start initiating sex at least twice a week.

Ann tells Chapman that sex with her husband is difficult for her because she feels so estranged from her husband. When they’re intimate, she says, she feels “used rather than loved.” Lots of women feel this way, Chapman tells her. Her Christian faith will help her through it. Ann does as Chapman tells her to, and the marriage is saved.

In later editions, Chapman revised this case study. ( He told the Washington Post that “physical abuse today is far more evident and apparent than it was when I wrote the book.”) In the new version, Chapman tells Ann to be more physically affectionate with her husband — ruffle his hair, kiss him on the cheek — and perhaps consider working her way up to initiating sex when their relationship has recovered some.

The new advice is less blatantly misogynistic than the advice of the first edition, but both contain the same underlying logic: If a woman’s husband is emotionally abusive toward her, it is her responsibility to coddle him and mollify him until he decides to treat her better. In real life, however, the only person who can control the behavior of an abuser is the abuser themselves.

Some of this ideology has made its way into the structure of the love language model. In their paper, Impett et al. note that some studies associate high relationship satisfaction with high respect for each other’s autonomy and personal goals outside of the relationship. Such egalitarian goals do not appear anywhere in Chapman’s models.

Instead of the love languages, consider aiming for a love diet

The love languages might be a flawed concept, but they speak deeply to thousands of people. Partly, that’s because people love a personality quiz, and the love languages come with one. But Chapman also had a key insight that he was able to express with the straightforward and intuitive metaphor of different languages: The way that you express and experience love might be different from the way your partner expresses and experiences love . That’s a valuable idea.

“If I had to pick one reason why I think many couples find Chapman’s book to be helpful,” says Park, “it is not because they learned their own or their partner’s love language but because it gets people to identify any currently unmet needs in their relationship and opens up lines of communication to address those needs.”

Still, the research suggests that adhering rigidly to the love language model won’t serve you well over time, in large part because it doesn’t match how human relationships work. We love in many ways, not just one.

“It is very likely that in one situation, someone might need a certain type of love or support,” says Park. “Perhaps after losing out on a promotion, you just need your partner to listen and provide you with words of affirmation. Maybe on an anniversary dinner, affection makes you feel special. Or during a particularly stressful time at work, having a partner take on extra household tasks is the best way to support you.”

In their paper, Impett et al. suggest replacing the metaphor of the love languages with a new one: the love diet.

“People should make sure they have a nutritionally balanced relationship,” they argue.

Under this metaphor, choosing one primary love language is something like a crash diet where you eat nothing but fruit, even though your body also needs carbs and fats and proteins to survive. For Impett et al., healthy relationships should prioritize quality time and physical touch, compliments and presents and helping each other out, plus all the other categories of love that don’t fit into Chapman’s model. “If they feel that something is missing,” the paper continues, “they could discuss that imbalance (unmet need) with their partner.”

Gary Chapman’s five love languages taught a lot of people how to start talking about their needs. It might be time for the conversation to evolve — perhaps over dinner.

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My Plea for a Sixth Love Language

The winner of our college essay contest explores how for her Syrian family, scattered by war, a WhatsApp group chat — rife with silly videos and often regrettable photos — is everything.

By Layla Kinjawi Faraj

According to writer Gary Chapman, there are five love languages: words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, physical touch and acts of service.

I would like to add a sixth — let’s call it “WhatsApp intimacy” — for people like my extended family and me who love each other desperately but, because of war, can’t be together.

We are from Syria. As a young child, I spent summers in Damascus — bouncing between my parents’ childhood homes and the apartment they bought when my brother and I were born — and winters in the U.S., where they had immigrated.

But that ended abruptly when war broke out. I was only 8, watching my parents struggle to talk on the phone with relatives who remained in Syria. Their calls were short, terse, at risk of being swallowed whole by anxiety and the unspeakable.

The first thing I did after this reality sank in was retrieve the photo album my mother and I had made of what would turn out to be our last summer there. For me, Syria had existed less as a country than as a series of homes belonging to people like my aunt, my uncle, and my mother’s third cousin, who didn’t like when you sat on the couches in your outside clothes.

When my mother and I turned to the last picture in the album, of my father, brother and me at the Damascus airport amid our pile of suitcases, waving goodbye at the camera, she started to cry. We couldn’t have known then how haunting our playful goodbye waves would be.

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The 5 Love Languages—And How To Use Them To Strengthen Your Relationship

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Table of Contents

What are the love languages, how learning the love languages can benefit your relationships, how to determine your love language, love languages are fluid.

If you’ve looked into improving your relationship with your partner, chances are you’ve heard of the five love languages. The theory— published in 1992 by marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., in his book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts— proposes that people experience love differently. Dr. Chapman identifies five categories through which people receive and express love, including words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch.

Here, experts discuss how to use the five love languages to strengthen your bond.

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Practicing your partner’s language—and vice versa—can help you to grow closer as a couple, according to Dr. Chapman’s theory. “When we know how we experience love and also understand the ways that our partner experiences love, it helps us create a meaningful, healthy, authentic connection,” says Avigail Lev, Psy.D., a licensed clinical psychologist and certified mediator at Bay Area CBT Center in Oakland and San Francisco, California.

Through Dr. Chapman’s clinical work as a couples counselor, he noticed that partners often misunderstood each other’s needs, not because they weren’t trying to connect—rather, they had different ways of experiencing and receiving love. According to Dr. Lev, Dr. Chapman hypothesized that teaching couples to express their love in ways that resonated with each individual would lead to more harmonious relationships, she adds. Within her own practice, “learning each other’s love languages increases connection and feelings of closeness between partners,” she says.

People often reported not feeling loved, despite their partner’s attempts to express it, adds Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist and owner and founder of Take Root Therapy in Los Angeles. “[Dr.] Chapman found that patterns emerged in what his clients wanted from their partners, and he named these patterns the five love languages.”

Below are the five love languages according to Dr. Chapman, plus ideas for expressing them to your partner.

Words of Affirmation

This love language consists of encouraging, positive words and verbal or written acknowledgments of love and care, says Lurie. Think: Compliments and words of encouragement. They can be as simple as “I love you,” or more intricate; for example, “I love you and appreciate how much you care for the people in your life,” or “I am grateful for you.”

Acts of Service

If actions speak louder than words is your mantra, your love language may be acts of service, says Dr. Lev. For those with this love language, a helping hand makes them feel cared for, and doing something to lighten their load will go a long way. Try unloading the dishwasher, filling their gas tank, scheduling an appointment or offering to pick up dinner on the way home.

Receiving Gifts

It’s the thought that counts, not the price of the gift, says Lurie. People with this love language appreciate receiving a visual symbol of their partner’s affection—especially one that’s been carefully selected by the giver. Gifting your partner their favorite author’s new book or framing the receipt from your first date are both meaningful ideas for those with this love language, says Lurie.

Quality Time

With this love language, what you long for most is your partner’s undivided attention, says Dr. Lev. Someone whose love language is quality time feels most appreciated when others are present, attentive and mindful. That means making your partner feel like they’re a priority by turning the phone off, not engaging in distractions, making eye contact, sitting close and using active listening skills to engage with your partner, she explains.

Physical Touch

Do you feel comfortable and secure when you’re physically connected to your partner? If so, physical touch might be your primary love language, says Lurie. Members of this group read body language very closely and need the intimacy of touch to feel affirmed and bonded, she explains. Actions include making an active effort to cuddle, hold hands, kiss and hug regularly.

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The popular ethical principle the “golden rule” tells us to treat others the way we want to be treated, says Lurie. But when we relate to our partners through our own lenses, we assume that they experience love as we do, she says. “We are projecting our own wants and needs onto them. This creates distance and disconnection,” explains Dr. Lev.“It doesn’t create the space for our partner to feel truly seen, understood and loved in a way that is meaningful to them.”

Instead of treating others how we want to be treated, the five love languages encourage us to treat them how they want to be treated, explains Lurie. “Different people give and receive love differently,” she says. “If our objective is to show care in our relationships, doing so in a way that is specifically meaningful to them will allow them to receive our love.” It also has the potential to reduce frustration and increase connection in any relationship.

Tending to our partner’s love language has the following benefits, according to Dr. Lev:

• Empathy increases intimacy: When we engage in behaviors that align with our partner’s love language, we’re letting them know they’re important to us, says Dr. Lev. And focusing on understanding their needs promotes empathy. It’s a selfless expression of love that increases authentic intimacy and creates deeper connection, she adds.
• Curiosity enhances connection: Being curious is the best way to effectively meet our partner’s needs, according to Dr. Lev. The simple act of being inquisitive helps our partner feel more understood. To put this into action, Dr. Lev suggests simply asking your partner about their love language and what they need.
• Gratitude reinforces our efforts: When we notice our partner making attempts to fulfill our love language, it’s vital to recognize and acknowledge their efforts, says Dr. Lev. That’s because expressing our appreciation and gratitude is a form of positive reinforcement that makes them more likely to continue those supportive behaviors, she says.

To identify your love language, start with Dr. Chapman’s online quiz , Lurie recommends. It can also be helpful to take an inventory of your past and current relationships, whether romantic, platonic and/or familial, asking yourself when you have felt most loved and why. “Identifying the patterns in how you received care in these relationships could shed light on what helps you feel cared for and seen,” says Lurie.

Dr. Lev also suggests practicing each love language with your partner to explore how they make you feel. For example, you might ask your partner to surprise you with a random gift, to run an errand for you or to share a few words of appreciation for you. Then, reflect on what action makes you feel most connected, rating how each of these makes you feel from zero to 100, Dr. Lev says.

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It’s important to note that love languages are not set in stone—rather, they are malleable, says Dr. Lev. Most people have more than one love language, and they can also change and shift over time. That’s because our needs and wants are constantly shifting, and the way we experience, receive and give love can change, too.

Our love language can change in response to our age, time in our life or in response to trauma, says Dr. Lev. Or, it can evolve the more we learn, grow and understand ourselves. While you may identify a primary love language, you may also determine that you have a secondary or tertiary love language. And some people may resonate with all of them, adds Lurie.

“As we experience life, different components of our personalities may change or come into focus, which is likely also true regarding our love language,” she says.

• Bland AM, et al. The Distribution of Chapman’s Love Languages in Couples: An Exploratory Cluster Analysis. Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice. 2018;7(2):103-126.
• The Psychology Behind the 5 Love Languages. The University of Arizona Global Campus. Accessed 8/06/2022.
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How Words of Affirmation Can Enhance Your Relationship

If this is your partner's love language, spoken or written words show you care

Sarah Reid / Stocksy

• What's Your Love Language?

What Are Words of Affirmation?

• How to Ask for More

Tips for Using Words of Affirmation

• How to Make It a Habit
• What to Avoid

Actions speak louder than words—unless, of course, your partner's love language is "words of affirmation." In this case, words are everything. Whether they are written or spoken, a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation will place a lot of importance on what you have to say to them.

Your words will speak volumes to them, even when you want them to just let things slide. In fact, it's not uncommon for simple phrases like "I'm thankful for..." and "I love how you..." will go a long way in communicating how much they are appreciated.

Your partner will especially appreciate compliments, heartfelt thank-you's, handwritten notes, and hearing what they mean to others. The goal is to let your partner know how much they mean to you and how much you care.

Take the Quiz to Identify Your Love Language

This fast, free quiz will help you determine your love language:

This love languages quiz was medically reviewed by Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD.

Words of affirmation are words that communicate your love, appreciation, and respect for another person . They're positive words and phrases used to uplift someone. Not to mention, these compliments and words of encouragement don't have to be said directly to the person. A simple hand-written note is appreciated just as much as a personal phone call.

When it comes to Gary Chapman's five love languages , words of affirmation is the most common love language, edging out quality time and acts of service . It also is the only love language that revolves around verbal expression.

People who give and receive love through words of affirmation tend to be the people who notice and care about the details of other people's lives. For instance, they may be the first to notice their partner's new haircut. They also remember to ask the neighbor how their sick dog is doing. They may even remember to ask the cashier at the local supermarket if they are feeling any better.

Those whose primary love language is words of affirmation are often sensitive and aware of their surroundings. They are the encouragers who know just what to say to make others feel better. And, they are hoping you can do the same for them.

What Are Some Words of Affirmation Examples?

Here are a few examples of words of affirmation:

• "Everything is better when you're here."
• "I appreciate it when you..."
• "I couldn't do this without you."
• "I really love the new outfit. It looks great on you!"
• "I'm so lucky to be with you."
• "I’m so thankful to have you in my life."
• "It impressed me when you..."
• "Thank you for..."
• "You are doing such a great job. I’m really proud of you."
• "You are one of my favorite people to be around."
• "You are so special to me."
• "You are the best."
• "Your support means so much to me."
• "You’re an inspiration!"

Words of affirmation can also be important in other types of interpersonal relationships . For example, you might use different types of positive affirmations to show kindness and gratitude toward your family members, friends, boss, or co-workers.

Press Play for Advice On Showing Gratitude

Hosted by therapist Amy Morin, LCSW, this episode of The Verywell Mind Podcast shares strategies for showing gratitude. Click below to listen now.

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Benefits of Words of Affirmation

Are using words of affirmation effective? For a person who tends to place a great deal of importance on what their partner says, hearing words of affirmation can help them to feel valued, satisfied, and happier in a relationship.

By using words of affirmation in your relationship, you are strengthening communication between you and your partner. You are showing your partner that you notice and appreciate them. When your partner feels appreciated, they are likely to experience a deeper satisfaction with themselves and with the relationship.

Offering words of affirmation can help nurture emotional intimacy , which plays a crucial role in relationships.

Receiving words of affirmation can help someone feel a greater sense of self-worth and motivation as well. If you notice your partner is making an extra effort on a special project or on their appearance, you might offer them an encouraging word or some praise. They will likely feel a boost in spirit and appreciate you for noticing.

Offering your partner an encouraging word can have a positive impact on you, too. Studies link giving compliments with a greater sense of well-being.

Words of affirmation can be an effective way to improve communication, express appreciation, deep intimacy, and increase self-esteem.

How to Ask for More Words of Affirmation

If your love language is words of affirmation, it feels amazing when your partner delivers a positive or loving message. You might be wondering how to get them to use your love language more often.

When your partner offers words of affirmation, let them know that their words make you feel good. Try saying, "I love when you tell me what a great job I'm doing," or "It makes me feel so good to hear you say that." When you respond with gratitude , your partner will likely be encouraged to continue offering you words of affirmation.

You might even introduce your partner to the love languages if they aren't already familiar. Maybe you and your partner sit down to discuss each other's preferred language.

You can make learning about the love languages a fun and intimate way to initiate a conversation about what feels good for both of you.

It's also helpful to be familiar with your partner's love language, especially if it's different from your own. They might not always deliver words of affirmation when you want them to, but that's OK. Try noticing and appreciating it if they offer you another sign of their love (maybe in their own love language).

A sweet note laying in the middle of the kitchen counter; a post-it placed in the middle of the mirror; or a favorite poem verse tucked into a suitcase—these examples are just a few of the many different options that might speak to a person whose primary love language is words of affirmation.

If your partner's primary love language is words of affirmation, you will need to find ways to communicate how much they mean to you. Here are some tips on how to speak this love language to your partner.

Be Authentic

People who have words of affirmation as their primary love language have a nose for false platitudes, so be sure you are authentic when talking with them. You want to be sure what you're saying to them is coming from the heart, because if you are making stuff up, they will be able to tell.

Be Empathetic

When it comes to words of affirmation, it is crucial that partners realize that you recognize how they are feeling, especially if they are feeling down. Show empathy for your partner. Think about what it would be like to walk in their shoes and then demonstrate that you know how they are feeling.

Show Your Appreciation

Usually, people who feel fulfilled by positive words and comments will thrive when people recognize and appreciate what they do. Whether it is how they do the laundry, the meal they cooked for dinner, or the fact that they spent three hours proofing your report, the key is to tell them in no uncertain terms how much you appreciate them.

If you are specific about what you really liked, it will warm their heart and fill their tank. So, don't hold back.

Say 'I Love You' A Lot

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation never get tired of hearing "I love you" from the people they care about. While it's common to feel like the phrase is overused, a words of affirmation person will never get tired of hearing you say it, especially when you find new and creative ways to communicate your love.

Mail Them a Letter

While email is a great way to communicate when you're in a hurry, there is something special about receiving a love letter in the mail. So, get out a pencil and paper and start writing. Your partner will be so surprised to receive the letter from you. If a letter seems overwhelming, buy them a cute card and write a nice note inside.

Post a Note

Sometimes the best and most efficient way to communicate how much you love your partner is to use a sticky note and leave them a little message about how much they mean to you. If you want to get really creative, you could post a number of notes in the shape of a heart or another figure on the bathroom mirror or the window of their car.

Give Them a Shout Out

Make sure you compliment your words of affirmation partner in front of other people. Tell them what makes you proud and what you really appreciate. Don't go overboard and embarrass your partner, but telling others how awesome you think your partner is will touch their heart in so many ways. So, don't be stingy with the compliments . This is a great way to fill your partner's love tank.

Point Out Their Strengths

Pointing out your partner's strengths is especially important when they are feeling down or discouraged. Giving them a pep talk and pointing out what you really like about them or what they do well speaks volumes. They need to know that you see value in who they are.

When your partner is going through a tough time, it can be helpful for you to dial up the nice words. Be extra kind and loving while reminding your partner why they are important and what they mean to you. At all times, it is helpful to offer words of encouragement. These steps show them that you are there for them even in the rough patches of their life.

When you utilize words of affirmation, focus on being authentic, appreciative, and empathetic. Let your partner know how much you care, and don't be afraid to put your feelings into writing, whether it's a letter, note, or social media post.

How to Make Words of Affirmation a Habit

Even if you are not a words of affirmation person, it is a good idea to make words of affirmation a daily habit. While it might not come naturally, there are things you can do to make offering words of affirmation a habit:

• Try a pet name : Perhaps you can begin each conversation with the pet name you have your partner. For example, you could say, "Good morning, beautiful" or "How are you, sweet pea?" These terms of endearment may sound corny, but for a words of affirmation person, they can be special.
• Be yourself : Try not to put too much pressure on yourself or say things that you don't feel. Just give yourself permission to be your authentic self and share what you appreciate about your partner.
• Offer encouragement : Words of affirmation don't just have to be expressions of gratitude or compliments—they can also focus on words that encourage your partner. When they express interest in something or share one of their goals with you, let them know that you believe in them and support them.

Tip: Create a List

If you find sharing words of affirmation difficult, listen for affirming words and keep lists of them. This exercise will help you build a bank of kind words you can share with your partner. This exercise is especially useful for people that feel like they don't have a large enough vocabulary to come up with something new and creative each time.

What to Avoid If Your Partner's Love Language Is Words of Affirmation

People whose primary love language is words of affirmation are often extremely wounded and hurt by gaslighting , narcissism, and emotional abuse . Negative words, accusations, and criticisms are like daggers to their heart.

Here are some other things to avoid doing if your partner's primary love language is words of affirmation:

• Don't assume there is a perfect quote for every one of life's situations.
• Don't be mean or hurtful with your words; they take them to heart.
• Don't be overly critical or condescending; they interpret this as saying they are dumb or stupid.
• Don't make fun of them or tease them too intensely; they are sensitive.
• Don't try to manipulate them with words or hit below the belt.
• Don't try to take shortcuts in expressing love to them; they can tell when you're faking it.
• Don't withhold kind words as a punishment.

Because people with this love language find words to be extremely powerful, they also are highly sensitive to negative comments and criticisms. In fact, one harsh word can send people in the words of affirmation camp reeling.

Keep in Mind

Being loved and appreciated in a way that you understand is important in any relationship. People whose love language is words of affirmation like to hear that you love them, appreciate them, and will be there for them.

While the love languages can be a helpful tool for relationships, it's OK if you and your partner seek additional support—especially if you are feeling unloved or unappreciated. You might consider attending relationship counseling to strengthen the bond you have with each other.

The 5 Love Languages. How do you give & receive love? .

Monin JK, Poulin MJ, Brown SL, Langa KM. Spouses' daily feelings of appreciation and self-reported well-being .  Health Psychol . 2017;36(12):1135-1139. doi:10.1037/hea0000527

Boothby EJ, Bohns VK. Why a simple act of kindness is not as simple as it seems: Underestimating the positive impact of our compliments on others .  Pers Soc Psychol Bull . 2021;47(5):826-840. doi:10.1177/0146167220949003

Chapman G. The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts . Reprint edition. Northfield Publishing; 2015.

By Sherri Gordon Sherri Gordon, CLC is a published author, certified professional life coach, and bullying prevention expert. She's also the former editor of Columbus Parent and has countless years of experience writing and researching health and social issues.

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What Are the 5 Types of Love Languages?

• Types of Love Languages

The 5 Love Languages

• Your Partner's Love Language

Knowing the type of love language you and your partner use can help foster a deeper connection. Love is one of the deepest emotions you can experience as a human—especially when that love is for another person. However, giving and receiving love can be a complicated exchange, particularly if you and your partner express love differently.

Giving and receiving love in the ways that best speak to you and your partner can enhance feelings of love and being loved. Learn more about the five types of love languages, how to know which ones resonate most for you and your partner, and how to bridge love language differences in your relationship.

The 5 Types of Love Languages

To help people navigate this phenomenon, Gary Chapman, PhD, a well-known author, speaker, and marriage counselor, developed the idea of the Five Love Languages. Based on years of clinical practice, Chapman suggests that a person experiences love in five distinct ways:

• Quality time
• Acts of service
• Words of affirmation
• Receiving gifts
• Physical touch

When people do not speak the same love language as their partner—or they give or receive love differently—Chapman says they can experience relational challenges and ultimately feel unloved. That can be resolved by learning to speak your partner's love language—which can help your relationship grow, your love deepen, and your communication improve.

Design by Health

According to Chapman, all five love languages have a place in a relationship, but each person has a primary love language that makes them feel loved. Additionally, learning to speak your partner's love language—as well as sharing your own—can help strengthen your relationship, reduce misunderstandings, and lead to more happiness and relationship satisfaction.

Words of Affirmation

If your partner's love language is words of affirmation, they likely want to be appreciated, valued, and even treasured. But the way this is done is important. People with this love language often prefer a soft tone, kind words, and humble requests.

Another way to use words of affirmation is to compliment your partner in front of friends, family, or coworkers. Your loved one may feel more loved because you are expressing admiration for them in front of others.

You can also show love by encouraging them and pointing out what they do well or what you appreciate about them—especially out of the blue. You can also send uplifting quotes, write love notes, create a thoughtful card, or create fun text messages. Your positive and kind words can go a long way in making them feel loved and connected to you.

Quality Time

The love language of quality time revolves around giving your partner your undivided attention and creating a sense of togetherness. During your time together, it is important to focus your attention on each other and not have interruptions from your phone, social media, work, or children.

Another way to experience this love language is to set aside time for a quality conversation. Ideally, you will both have time to share your thoughts, feelings, and desires, which is crucial for feeling loved.

Quality time can also involve doing something together, like going for a walk, participating in a fun activity, or having dinner together. The key is to focus on one another and pay attention to what the other is thinking, feeling, and saying.

Physical Touch

While physical touch is often an integral part of any relationship, for people who see this as their primary love language it is a powerful way to communicate. Showing love to your partner in this way can involve hugging, holding hands, giving a massage, kissing, and being sexually intimate .

Even cuddling close on the couch, touching their arm, or playfully bumping them with your shoulder can communicate love. The key, though, is discovering what type of physical touch your partner wants. It is very possible that they may not want to be touched in certain ways.

You also never want to pressure your partner into physical touch they are not interested in. Instead, ask what they like and dislike or what they prefer when it comes to touch. Some people may appreciate holding hands in public or kissing goodbye, while it might make others uncomfortable. You want to ensure you have your partner's consent before touching them in any way.

Receiving Gifts

Gift-giving has always been intertwined in relationships, but for some people, the simple act of receiving a gift can communicate love in a number of ways. When you give someone a gift, you are not only investing in the relationship but also demonstrating that you know them on a deeper level.

Of course, picking out a gift is not always easy—and if it is not your strength, it can cause some distress . But gifts do not have to cost money or take an enormous amount of time. Instead, something as simple as picking a few wildflowers can be a great gift, especially if the flowers have some significance for your partner.

Also, experts indicate that the entire gift-giving process—from the fact that you thought about the person to the careful choosing of a gift—can cause strong feelings of affection. Gift-giving also communicates a level of selflessness and appreciation.

Acts of Service

If your partner's love language is acts of service, they likely appreciate it and feel loved when you do things for them. From relieving them of a responsibility to offering to do something helpful, showing love through acts of service means doing things that you know they would appreciate or need help with.

Offering to do things for your partner—or even doing something without being asked—shows that you are thinking about them and that you want to make their life better. It also demonstrates a level of unselfishness, especially when you put their needs above your own.

The key is to do things with a positive attitude. Doing so communicates love because these acts convey you are thinking about your partner.

What Is Your and Your Partner's Love Language?

The basic premise behind the five love languages is to treat your partner in a way that communicates love to them—or fills their "love tank," as Chapman calls it. This may mean learning to communicate in a way that feels foreign to you—especially if the two of you have different love languages. But by learning to love your partner in meaningful ways, you will likely reduce frustration and increase your connection and intimacy.

One way to discover your love language is to take The Love Language Quiz , designed to pinpoint your primary love language. Your partner can take it too so they and you can find out how they best love.

If your partner is not receptive to taking a love language quiz, you can ask them questions to try to determine how they receive love. For instance, ask your partner, "What would an ideal partner be like?" Then, listen to how they describe this person.

If they mention cuddling on the couch while watching a good movie, this might signify a love language of physical touch. If they say taking long walks together, this might indicate their love language is quality time. If they say they like getting little notes on their car or getting a random text telling them how much they mean to someone, that could indicate words of affirmation is their love language.

Of course, you may need to ask more questions to narrow down their love language. But remember, your goal is to find out what is important to them. In the end, their answers often point to their love language. Even if you are still uncertain, at the very least, you have learned more about your partner.

Benefits of Understanding Love Languages

When you or your partner's emotional need for love is not met, you may experience more conflict, withdraw romantically, and even fall out of love. If the need is met, you are both better equipped to deal with differences as well as feel loved and fulfilled.

The number of studies supporting these claims is limited but still promising. Here are some of the potential benefits of understanding and utilizing the concept of love languages.

Creates Intimacy

One of the hallmarks of using the five love languages is discovering what love means to your partner. Not only can regularly talking keep your emotional need for love met, but it can also build intimacy in your relationship because you are learning to communicate better and connect in more significant ways.

Improves Self-Regulation

Implementing the love language concept in your relationship requires you to stop and consider your partner's needs first. To do this, you have to learn to manage your emotions and feelings. Research indicates that managing your emotions and feelings on a regular basis can help you improve your self-regulation skills. In the end, you may also find that you are happier and have more relationship satisfaction.

Strengthens Communication

Consistency and open communication are important parts of the five love languages. Understanding and using the languages can help build and strengthen your communication. It also helps you learn to communicate love to your partner. And even when your attempts hit a snag, there is still the opportunity to talk about it and find out more about each other.

Boosts Relationship Satisfaction

When you are trying to use your partner's love language to communicate how you feel about them and let them know they are loved, they are more likely to feel happier in the relationship. But using your partner's love language can help you, too. For instance, research shows that helping your partner get their needs met produces a greater emotional benefit for you than you would get from having your own needs met.

Promotes Empathy

Anytime you want to try to understand where your partner is coming from, doing so with empathy can help. Using the five love languages is no different. You need to use both emotional empathy (concern) and cognitive empathy (perspective taking) to fully understand what your partner needs.

Consequently, using the love languages concept in your relationship requires you and your partner to develop this skill. In the end, not only can you both learn to be more empathetic and loving, but research indicates that you may also be more satisfied with your relationship.

A Quick Review

The five love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, receiving gifts, and acts of service. Gary Chapman, PhD, created the concept to summarize the different ways people communicate love.

Learning and using your partner's preferred love language can lead to greater happiness and satisfaction. When you recognize that your partner is trying to communicate with your preferred love language, you will also likely have increased feelings of love and satisfaction in the relationship.

You can find out your and your partner's love language by taking an online quiz. You can also ask yourself or your partner questions about what an ideal partner might look like and what makes you or them feel loved. Once you know what their love language is, it's simply a matter of implementing it.

Bland AM, McQueen KS. The distribution of Chapman’s love languages in couples: An exploratory cluster analysis .  Couple Family Psychol . 2018;7(2):103-126. doi:10.1037/cfp0000102

Hughes JL, Camden AA. Using chapman’s five love languages theory to predict love and relationship satisfaction .  PsiChiJournal . 2020;25(3):234-244. doi:10.24839/2325-7342.JN25.3.234

National Domestic Violence Hotline, love is respect.  Applying the 5 Love Languages to healthy relationships .

South University. The psychology behind gift giving .

Mostova O, Stolarski M, Matthews G. I love the way you love me: Responding to partner's love language preferences boosts satisfaction in romantic heterosexual couples .  PLoS One . 2022;17(6):e0269429. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0269429

Kardan-Souraki M, Hamzehgardeshi Z, Asadpour I, Mohammadpour RA, Khani S.  A review of marital intimacy-enhancing interventions among married individuals .  Glob J Health Sci . 2016;8(8):74-93. doi:10.5539/gjhs.v8n8p74

Bunt S, Hazelwood ZJ.  Walking the walk, talking the talk: Love languages, self-regulation, and relationship satisfaction .  Pers Relationship.  2017;24(2):280-290. doi:10.1111/pere.12182

Cramer D, Jowett S. Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples .  Journal of Social and Personal Relationships . 2010;27(3):327-349. doi:10.1177/0265407509348384

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5 Love Languages

Updated 30 March 2022

Subject Learning

Downloads 33

Category Education ,  Literature ,  Psychology

Topic Book Review ,  Reading ,  Thought

I had heard and read a lot from people who had read Gary Chapman's 'Five Love Languages, a fact that prompted me to read the book in order to come up with my own opinion on whether it could be helpful to people struggling with love or better still help improve it even further for those in healthy love life. (the farmer). In his New York times’ best seller, Chapman is of the idea that being send flowers is not the ultimate expression of love but all we really need is some quality time together or to talk, that at this point the problem is not your love but rather your language of love. (Polk.)The intention of this book is that, just like there are different languages worldwide, love languages are also different and if you don’t speak the same language with you partner, you are most likely not going to understand each other. For instance, a woman feels loved when a man performs such things as shopping for her, she naturally assumes he is the same, so she keeps welcoming him to a tidy home hoping to impress him but unfortunately he speaks a different love language as what he really need is emotional but not domestic support (Polk.). So as we appreciate a clean house, the man doesn’t view it as an expression of her love to him. This feeling of not being loved is as a result of the woman not speaking the man’s language of love, thus feeling unappreciated and frustrations would eventually lead her giving up on him, only because she was cleaning the house yet all he wanted was his emotions attended to (Polk.).According to Chapman, emotional need is paramount for love and affection, and people often express love in five languages. That is: Affirmation, which is basically about encouraging and being affectionate to each other. i.e. encourage during hard times, compliment everything nice and use kind and humble words always. Quality time (simply spend much time together sharing activities. For instance, watch a movie or attend a concert even if it’s only your partner’s hobby (Farmer). It shows that you appreciate and care about them despite the difference in taste and preferences in life. Gifts, this simply involves giving and receiving of thoughtful tokens which are reminders of love. This can be as cheap as a gift of self which only requires you being there whenever s/he needs you. Act of service is yet another language of love where you help each other with tasks. Physical touch, not limited to hand holding to sexual intercourse, but also that protective squeeze during difficult times. However not all touches are acts of love as they are received differently. Even though the term “speak” was used for the languages of love, they are basically nonverbal.This book is easy to read as it has many examples that are useful to readers. The book however highlights that the action we take to show love to our partner may not necessarily be received as intended due to mismatches in the perceived mode of communication. It is therefore important as a couple to learn each one’s love language to minimize cases of communication mismatches in your love life. Gary Chapman uses the concept of “love tank” which solely depends on your partner to be filled. That in the event the tank is empty, that’s when your love life is in great danger and it’s therefore important that your point of focus in your relationship is your partner. You must be willing to learn your lover’s primary love language if you are to communicate effectively and keep your love tank filled at all times.However, at minimum, the book is confused about where sex life fits in the language of physical touch. Chapman doesn’t come out clearly on this even though good sex can’t by itself fulfill a marriage, it is an essential part in realizing it. That is if you don’t have deep sexual connection, you stop being lovers and life-partners as you are mere friends. Therefore, sex ought not to have been included when talking about physical touch but rather be regarded as a necessary addition in speaking primary love language.The book also emphasizes on isolating a single love language. It should however be noted that all expressions of love are equally important and other languages shouldn’t have been entirely neglected. Chapman also uses ‘kind words” as well as “humble words” as separate language of love, but this are just basic emotional necessities for good communication in one’s love life. We are encouraged to explore our partner’s needs, but the book does not have any empirical evidence in realizing this. Further no research has been done on the premise that we have a “primary love language.In conclusion, the book may have some practical solution to relationship difficulties, but it is limited as it does not provide any assistance with complex relationship issues as fidelity or communication difficultiesWorks CitedFarmer, Suzanne. "book review: The 5 Love Languages." cornerstone (2015): 1-9.Polk., Denise M. "Speaking The Language of Love." The open communication journal (2013): 7-11.

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What exactly are the five love languages? Experts weigh in

And everything you need to know about figuring out what yours is

Acts of service

Receiving gifts, quality time, physical touch, how to figure out what your love language is, what do love languages mean for relationships, are there any criticisms of love languages, more ways to strengthen your relationship....

Have you ever talked with a friend about relationships and been shocked to hear how different what they want from a partner is? It’s easy to fall for the idea that everyone expresses and receives love in similar ways but, in reality, individuals have distinct desires, wants, and needs from life, and others. The five love languages clearly demonstrate these unique characteristics.

The idea behind identifying your love language (and your partner's) is for them to help romantic partners better understand each other and maintain healthy relationships—though they can be utilised for all thoughtful connections in your life. 'I believe it has applicability to friendships and work relationships too in terms of how to do things for people that they will value and appreciate, and also how to communicate your own needs for nurturance and support, romantic or not,' says Judy Ho , PhD, licensed clinical neuropsychologist.

In that spirit, it's worth learning what your love language is so you can better identify what actions make you feel special—and identifying what your partner's is so that you can cater to it. Read on for all the details.

Words of affirmation

As the saying typically goes, 'It's not about what you say but what you do'—but that's not so true for people whose love language is words of affirmation . Those who 'speak' this language feel most connected to their partner or others after hearing after a few kind words. 'In this case, words matter,' says Carolina Pataky , PhD, a relationship and sex therapist and co-founder of the Love Discovery Institute. 'A person who speaks the language of affirmation connects deeply to their partner’s words.'

This love language is all about recognition. If you have a partner who thrives on words of affirmation, they don't necessarily want to be showered with compliments so much as they want to hear you say 'thank you' for taking care of the dishes after dinner—or 'I appreciate you' when they wake up early to walk the dog. These acknowledgements are how your partner knows for certain that you see the value they bring into the relationship, says Pataky.

For anyone with acts of service as their love language, actions speak louder than words. 'For people this love language resonates with, words and gifts might seem empty,' says Conger. 'What proves more important is a partner putting forth the effort to make life a little easier and sweeter. Cooking a meal, running an errand without being asked, remembering to take care of the small details of life in a way that shows their beloved they are seen and loved.' Doing things you anticipate your partner wants or needs demonstrates how much you value and care for them.

Despite the name, this love language isn't reserved for the greedy. 'Many perceive this language as materialistic­—when that isn’t the case,' says Pataky. 'Through gifts, you are able to say: you’re on my mind and in my heart, even when we are apart.'

No diamond necklaces required here. Catering to this love language can be as simple as picking up flowers on your way home or getting an extra pint of their favorite ice cream. 'Thoughtful gifts, not necessarily elaborate ones, that demonstrate time and energy went into it is the essential ingredient of this love language,' says Ho. 'They don’t need extravagance, but they want to have these tokens, and they often save these tokens to review and reflect on later.' Well, unless it's edible.

That is not to say that it's impossible for this love language to be driven by more materialistic motives, but based on its meaning, materialism is not the message. 'The love language of receiving gifts is that you feel most love when you have a tangible object in your hand that has been given to you by the one you love,' says Lori Lawrenz, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Hawaii Center for Sexual and Relationship Health . '[It's] probably the most misunderstood.'

If your partner or loved one identifies with this love language, carving out time to spend with only them will be a biggie. But it's about more than sitting next to each other on the couch. 'Many times, individuals feel as though they spend countless hours with their partner and don't understand why their partner remains unsatisfied,' says Pataky. Quality time is about having your partner's full focus and attention, meaning ditching distractions during date night or breakfast convos is a must.

Leave your phone on the 'Do Not Disturb' setting, and don't flip through the channels while your S.O. tells you about their day—be present for them, Pataky stresses. This means asking your partner how they feel now that the stressful week they'd mentioned is over, and actively listening when they respond. Being there for them is how they know you care.

While it's easy to assume what this one means, no, the love language physical touch is not just about sex. In fact, Conger explains people who identify with this language may not have a higher libido than those who don't. 'But they do feel most connected when touch is involved,' she says.

'Often, a partner who values physical touch would like long, lingering hugs or cuddling close more than other ways of showing love.' Do you always want to hold your partner's hand when you walk? Do you always want to snuggle up close to them? Do you feel loved more strongly when they're by your side? If this resonates, then this love language is probably yours.

Now that you know what each of the five love languages entail, it's time to figure out what yours is. Odds are most, if not all, of the languages contain something that resonates with you, but when it comes to selecting just one, focus on which aspects you find most important.

'It centers around thinking about what you have appreciated the most when your current or past partners tried to do something nice for you,' says Ho. 'What made you feel the most loved, and which behaviors did not mean that much to you?' She emphasizes that knowing what your love language doesn't consist of is just as important. So if it's easier to weed out the gestures you weren't so into, figuring out your love language that way is fine too.

Another way to hone in on your love language is by going over your principles. 'Values are the ideals that we want to stand by in our lives and what we want to represent to others,' continues Ho. 'If you value community, you may care more about acts of service that deepen and strengthen the bond between you and your partner. If you value integrity, you may be a person who cares more about words of affirmation because a person's word is like gold to you.'

If you’re single, use your newfound knowledge to strengthen your connection with loved ones. It can also be a guide when you're looking for a partner. If you’re in a relationship, once you have a sense of your own love language, make moves to learn your partner’s love language. And don't shy away from straight-up asking them what you can do to make them feel all fuzzy and tingly inside.

Keep in mind that, no matter how compatible you are, you and your partner may have different love languages. Understanding how each of you needs to be loved and cared for can go a long way to strengthening your relationship. 'A common mistake that many people make is to show love to their partners in the way that they themselves would like to be loved,' says Conger. 'Or to assume that because their beloved shows love with gifts that they would like to receive gifts in return. In fact, they might prefer spending time together.'

As with anything that requires you to look within yourself, learning and exploring your love language will provide you with better insight into yourself and what you need from those who love you.

While it's essential for you to be able to identify your own love languages, being it tune with your partner's can enhance your relationship. 'The potential to have a deeper level of intimacy , empathy and connection exists as knowledge gives people the ability to know and engage with one another differently and deeper, ' says Lawrenz.

She adds when you feel disconnected from your partner, it may have something to do with having different love languages. Having a well-rounded understanding of your partner's needs can help both parties communicate through those times more effectively.

Learn more about the love languages here:

There are undoubtedly many benefits to learning which love languages work best for you, but it's not the bread and butter of a relationship. It's also not a very good reason to jump ship if you're on a date with someone new and you realize your love languages aren't perfectly aligned. Lawrenz explains that having mix matched love languages is a lot more common than you might think, and it shouldn't be viewed as a detriment.

'The best communication happens when there are different beings bringing different perspectives and experiences to the relationship.' says Lawrenz. 'Consider it quite positive that you can express your love in different ways and there are different ways to receive and give love.'

But if you're dating and not in a committed relationship yet, try holding off on the love language discussion until later on in the process. 'A major no-no is when a potential date on an app (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge) asks your love language before you have met,' says Lawrenz. 'Often the scenario is, 'My love language is physical touch….' and it takes the notion of love language out of context and is used as a play for a sexual connection that one may be fishing for in the early stages of connection.'

She emphasises that general compatibility holds more significance over love languages, so make sure to put that first before anything else. At the end of the day, these are used to help you understand how you like to be loved and not dictate the entire relationship.

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Sarah Fielding is a freelance writer based in New York who covers a range of topics for outlets including Men’s Health, Bustle, and Insider, with a special love for mental health and sex and relationships topics. She’s also spent time living in Italy and Australia, writing as she traveled.

Sabrina is an editorial assistant for Women’s Health. When she’s not writing, you can find her running, training in mixed martial arts, or reading.

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